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feeling like a train wreck!

I cant beleive that i feel so terrible!!! most of the time i have no energy, and if i do get a flash of energy it only lasts for about half an hour!!!! then its off to sleep i go.... i feel like a train reck! i found out last night that im averageing 3 kgs loss per week so i guess my body needs to be cut some slack!!!! what about my head tho???   my hubby is quitting smoking and had found a sweet tooth and a hunger pain that never ends... hes eating all this crap infront of me which is seriously hard but i am kind of getting use to it. its probably good timmng as to get some kind of immunity to watching everyone else eat this stuff (and not get fat i might add).   SSSSOOOOOO apart from watching this go on also sending my hubby out to dinner with my mum cause they are all missing going out for dinner (me included)i finally cracked thisevening when i got a $1500 extra bill in the mail for my surgury!!!! i broke down. lost it....come unstuck!!!! and there it was that famous question....WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE! you know the one. i have never dealt with stress very well and this was a moment where i felt like a total basket case! i cryed/sobbed for about an hour and still feel like i got the itchy eyeballs!!!!   i have to call the docs tomoz and see if i cant get some idea as to why i got this bill!!! i had an educated estimate that wasnt worth the paper it was written on!!! (unless they made a mistake) AAAARRRRRRHHHHHHHHGGGGGGG bottom line. i am totally screwed if i got and extra bill of $1500.   :tongue_smilie:
dange25

dange25

2
 

learning to learn

It seems that i had a brain fluff today and actually realised something about myself. I concluded after going to my boxing class and then going through the mc donalds drive thru for my hubbies dinner (at his request), that i need not roll my bottom lip and feel sorry for myself. **I** need to take control of MY actions and learn to feel good about the choices **I** have to make for myself. atm, i am on my pre op diet sooooo anything of the sort is totally out of the question. as i drove away from the drive thru i had this little moment where i was mindlessly gonna steal a chippie (french fry). before i even got to a second part of the mindlessness, the little switch was flicked, like a light in the fridge, and i was reminded that im on a preop diet to CHANGE MY LIFE. and....there it was. the whole idea of stealing a chippie went out the window, case closed!!! i even managed to sit with my hubby while he ate...and i had my shake. it was here i learned that my addiction to mc donalds was just mindless MINDLESS choices. when i was addicted, i didnt think about the 2 large big mac meals i use to order a day, i just did it, with out thinking about it because i wanted it and must have it. A mc donalds junkie!!!! then it dawned on me about all the other things i do/have done without even stopping and questioning it. choc junkie, eat it without thinking. must have bakery junkie, eat it without thinking. must have cookie junkie, eat it without thinking.must have iced coffee junkie, drink without thinking.must have and and and you know the deal....you get the urge for it, you chase it, eat it, get that release, then totally regret it when the *release*feeling has gone. too late then hey!!!!!! this pre op that i was so scared about has been a blessing in des....... (you know what i mean) it is teaching me ...(pause) that i have to question EVERYTHING that goes in and think WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING, every min of every day. (eg cutting the vegemite crust of my babies sandwich....pfffft only half use to make it to the bin..... i was the *mindless* half of the bin huh!!!) my dietition asked me weather i was an emotional eater, an over eater a grazer sweet eater and and and (cant remember the rest) i told him i guess i was all of the above, not really knowing for sure, (never really asked myself that question before to be able to answer it correctly and honestly) however he forgot to ask 1 major outcome.... mindlessness. I honestly didnt know which catagory i fit into until now. i know exactly what the deal is after tonights amazing awakening. i dont/didnt think! in it goes without even a second thought! how do i remind myself BEFORE i do something stupid! i need that little light to come on all the time..... for the rest of my life!!! (oh boy...i feel sick!:tongue_smilie:!)
dange25

dange25

0
 

shock to system pre op diet

Ohhhh my goshhhhh!!!!!! day 1 is over and im as scared as hell!!!! Im on the optifast diet and....to tell you the truth, it tastes like arrrrrshoe yeah. a shoe my belly is rumbleing. i have no idea how im going to get though this!! yes....i knew it was gonna be hard but im thinking that what i feel in my belly right now is going to be absolutly nothing against what im gonna be feeling this time next week. omg how am i gonna do this!:001_rolleyes:   ohhhhh give me strenght
dange25

dange25

0
 

pre op diet starts tomoz.

Tomozo is the dayyyy my mum bought over a few bottles of champagne, we had a really nice dinner and desert (that i normally wouldnt have). lol i feel like it was the last supper!!! i feel relaxed after being a little piggie today but feel totally releived that today **was** the last piggie day for me!!! i let myself induldge a little, all while making my diet jellys and sorting through my veggies *some of which i have never eaten before* It seems i am one of the lucky ones that is actually alowed to eat on the pre op diet. up to 5 cups a day of certain vegies and half a cup a day of certain fruit. dont forget the stocks and flavour jelly/jello. herbs spices to change the taste for bit of fun. 3 optifast shakes a day too.... mellow now from the few glasses of celebration i shared with my mum and hubby (and the few mouthfuls of sprayed mashed vegies with my beautiful 9mth old) so it was a great way to close this chapter of my life. feel like im ready to move on as i have made such a day of it, truely celebrating and saying goodbye to my old habbits.:001_rolleyes:
dange25

dange25

0
 

growl for today.

Ok Ok.... soooo the good news....i took the liberty of calling APRA today (to see if my supperanuation release had been approved) and YIPPYYYYYYY they approved it!!! I was totally stoked until....... *plays dramatic music, bar bar barrrr bar BARRRRRRRRRRR* its going to take about a week to send me the paperwork. i was straight away going shyttttt bugga pizzz bunnnn farttttt! I have to make the payment 1 week prior to surgury which means im not gonna make it!!! esp when i called my super people and they need a few working days to send THEIRRRRR paper work out then i have to translate their paperwork into checques for each bunch of people involved in my surgury!!!! theres another 2 days!!!!!! :001_rolleyes: Now the next story is my date has been put back to 10 Aug now... and i know its only a week....but in that week i could of already lost a few pounds and been well on my way to recovery and 1 week post op *slaps self for dribbleing on* Sighs..... get over it hey! its a week! ohhh adn hope to hell it doesnt get put back another week while im waiting for all this bulk paper work to come in!!!! (wheres the smilie that pulls hair out??) guess there is a good reason they are all bald right!!! *laughs* bad when i can laugh at my own bad joke the ironic part about all this is for the last week i have been emptying all my *healthy food* finishing it all up and not buying anymore, ready for the opti fast diet that i was ment to be starting on monday.... and sure as my butt points to the ground, im having to play the game for another week! lolololol *slaps self again* at least i got the dietition and blood work tomoz! theres a start. deep breath.
dange25

dange25

0
 

3 Aug is my sleeve date!

It seems that my surgon is so sure that my super will be released that he has given me a date just outside antisipated approval date! OMG....did i mention....OMG???? I got 2 and a half weeks to ween my baby before starting the optifast diet! 3 Aug is the big day! I think that is the only worry i have about the whole deal! nothing i have read here has rattled me as i feel like i know exactly what im getting myself into! I remember when i bought my house... i had the same kind of butterflys in my belly about the big decision i was making. It was so much bigger than me and my silly little world, but i know i was doing the right thing and going in the right direction. scared of the unknown of cource... but i know its the right thing to do! Its like feeling removed for the actions i make for myself?? Just watching from a distance as the *sure* part of myself makes the decisions for the shy part of myself. lucky for me shy is taking the back seat on this one! I will be getting my information pack in the mail tommorow which will tell me time place, part of the hospital blood test appointments and and and. I have already been in touch with the dietition so the wheels are well and truely turning. I cant wait to see this chapter of my life unfold! soooo till tommorow. Cheers:thumbup:
dange25

dange25

0
 

getting head around it

I have now been to see the surgon (and am totally hooked on the idea) All my paper work has been submitted to APRA for the release of my superannuation money that will pay for my surgury. 5 working days later they have sent to me saying that i got 10 to 30 working days to wait for an approval. so here i am. i have bought a box of optifast to see what its all about and now am looking at having to stop breast feeding. Swallows hard. wasnt sure when i was going to be giving that one up...but 10 fold is the right thing to do!!!! I also took the liberty of buying some very small plates and bowls... is totally classic! i love the idea of being able to eat from these and be satisfied!! Of cource im a bit scared too. I really hope that my head doesnt let me down! I realised that I tend to keep eating even when the message is....YOUR FULL!!!!! god forbid i waste an untouched T-bone steak that i havent even started on....ate all the veggies first!!! i couldnt do it tho... i couldnt put the knife and fork down. i have since started using smaller plates (not the really small ones yet) and asked my hubby not to freeze 2 big steaks in 1 pack!!! hold him to start halving the sizes for me!!!   pffft have also started to kick my pepsi max habbit today. ***shakes*** im trying to get my head in a better place before all this happens, as i dont know if its 3 weeks away or 10 weeks away. I'm taking it on good athourity to kick the habbit now before i have to kick a heap of habbits all at once!!! ouch....one good thing tho...lol i found some coffee optifast today...**cheerin**   Im so scared i will let myself down. how do you retrain yourself overnight to go a strict new way of life. im 33 and been overweight all my life. I have taken up a number of new habbits in my time to try and loose weight and havent been able to maintain these habbits. hence the problem remains!!! I admire the girls here that have taken the opportunity to get a new life and question where did there new found focus comes from.... i imagine its hard to transition from fatty boom bar to exercise junkie... extreem i know sorry but thats how i see myself and how i question weather or not i can do this...dont get me wrong...i want to do this...maybe it gets easier to exercise as you become smaller, fitter and healthier.   I have realised in all the hours and money i have spent trying to do the right thing, i have ended up failing myself with bad maintnance. (not that i got down to a point where i should of been considering maintnance, and so the depression of doing so well and not looking good/feeling great yet starts the circle again.)   I look back at my pics and could of slapped myself for not keeping on track. I really hope that this surgury keeps me on the straight and narrow and i can become one of the people here that love exercise. pffft i have loved it once before.... i have to find how to love it again.   I can NOT let myself down again.....CAN NOT!!!   *sighs* another day closer to approval
dange25

dange25

2
 

washing machine visit

I have been waiting for about 3 weeks now and am glad to be able to say my appointment with the surgon/specilist is tomozo *lol* for short cut word! I have a hour and a half appointment and am totally baffeled as to what is going to happen in that hour and a half. what are they going to say? are they going to accept me? are they going to ask me questions? maybe they are going to tell me what to do next...or even tell me to wait. (until apra releases my super....IF they release my super)hell maybe they could even say start preparing NOW yippeeeeeeee I look at my daughters little tuppaware *snack cup* and think to myself that i will be joining her in the snack cup meal *grins* very excited!! My hubby says he will buy baby food for me too!! (smart asssssssk your mother for sixpence to see the funny giraffe!!!!!!) back to the story.....I can only imagine that this appointment will change my life one way or the other. I will be devistated if they cant help me...or have to make me wait for 6 months or or or...who knows what. I know that I want this surgury and am totally ready for the upside down that i will be thrown into... I like upside down! I'm good at upside down, especially if its been a long time comming and i have made it happen for myself. thats how everything has happened for me over my life. example..... a washing machine put me into a home loan and one of the best decisions i have ever made in my life! (I now pay half of what most rent for) So...hopefully tommozo is one of those days where i thank my lucky stars i went into my hubbies doctors clinic with him, but waited in the waiting room. the one faithful day I picked up a peice of paper that could change my life, and perception of life and how i see it forever. I peice of paper that made me consider what i want for myself....my family....no just myself for the second (not that they didnt have weight in the decision of course) but a peice of paper that could make me totally re evaluate who i am...and who i could be if this actually worked for me. positive turmoil that has given me restless nights, but waking with a smile. Anxiety on a decision that has to be made twice....three times even. Maybe the answer is in the washing machine or the pocket of my jeans! pre or post wash is the question.:001_rolleyes:
dange25

dange25

0
 

ticker tragic

*slaps self* for not being able to work out how to transfer my ticker. Made ticker and must of coppied bb code a million times, tryed the upload botton, tryed the save signature....pfffffft No hunch! lol silly me grrrrr!!!! :001_rolleyes:
dange25

dange25

0
 

Small action that changes your life

A little over a year ago I took my hubby to his GP for a check up. While I waited.... in the waiting area (of all places, funny enough) I was looking over a board of pamplets... pamflets.... nope thats not it either.... info board:thumbup1: and saw some....info on banding. I had them in the top draw of my desk and would always look at them thinking 'there is no way I'm going to be able to afford this treatment' I would sigh and put them back. It wasn't till I was going through the info and found the part about being over 40 BMI (my BMI was up to 60 with only a 3 kg weight gain in late pregnancy, and is now at 50 7 and and a half mts later....swallows hard) that I booked an appt. with my GP to see if there was any way around it. I built a case of *yo yo proof* with photos at all stages of my life, none of which were "skinny", but you could see that this battle was going on for manyyyyy years (50kg here 30kg there) and never even come close to winning. My lovely GP looked at me and said that I was a perfect candidate and don't worry about the money as you should be able to access your superanuation to pay for it. I felt the biggest wash of releif/anxiety/fear/excitement/jelly legs/upside down belly like a child on xmas eve. ohhh did I mention anxiety??? I was then put on a public waiting list at catagory 2 waiting list which translates to, ohhhh about 3 to 6 months waiting list... adn thats only for an interview to be re catagorised again!!! (another 1 year waiting list so I'm told) *slumps in chair* Scratching around in all the sites I find a seminar for banding. gung ho on getting a band I went along and was amazed to learn of this sleeve. Instantly i was.....:thumbup1:. thank god I found this out before signing up for a band where I was prepared to take all the jackpots that come with it. Soooo back to the drawing board, and another mountain of hours looking into sleeve pros and cons. I haven't been able to find many long term sleevers but also haven't heard of many complaints for those who have had it. I am totally happy with my decision to have a sleeve. I was prepared to do a band with all the associated posibilities/disruptions, BUT now am all warm and fuzzy thinking that I beleive I saved myself a bucket load of heartache by choosing a little sleeve. I can't wait to see my doc next week and see what he has to say and what my next move is. Until then I will keep trying to loose weight on my own, wishing the days away.:001_rolleyes: roll on 19th!!! ****off with the fairies for the minute****
dange25

dange25

1
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