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The Warrior

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?KNOW IT ALL? posters in Bandland this is for you.

To all the “KNOW IT ALL” posters in Bandland!   I posted this elsewhere today and I’m adding it to my blog because I just had to get this off my chest!   Why is that some people feel they are experts at what is right for anyone but themselves? When "newbies" or even veterans for that matter ask questions in this forum, it's because we are looking for advice and support.   We are not looking for the know it all clipped and often times judgmental comments that are thrown out to refute the actual helpful advice of other bandsters. These comments come in almost exact succession to the postings of certain people who are actually helpful in their comments and advice, and these judgmental postings are really starting to bug me.   If you think this comment was about you, then it probably was and I hit my target audience.   My advice to you is that perhaps you should take all that you know and apply it personally and then edit the content again before you hit post. Or I'm sure there will be more people who will start refuting your comments and judging you for your tone and countering you on your expertise.   Last I checked you were not registered as a Lapband Surgeon, Doctor, PA, or spokesman. It's really all just your opinions that would be better served minus the judgmental tone.   Thank you.
lisacaron

lisacaron

6
 

Caught between stress and comfort

These last couple of weeks have been a few of the most stressful that I have had since surgery in May.   Stress never seems to ebb in my life as much as it flows. You would think that over time this girl would be used to it, but there is no such thing as getting used to stress.   You can roll with it and that's what I do, so that I can deal with the issue at hand and so it doesn't drive me insane. However it does drive me to some things that hinder my journey and even have the potential to harm me.   I liked to think of it as comfort, but I know my thinking is warped. I want, no rather I need to find comfort in things other than food when life gets tough and curve balls are thrown at my head.   The hug of a loved one is good, the escape of a good book, TV show or movie is great, but nothing brings me the comfort of being in my bedroom with the door to the outside world closed, eating a box of skinny cow, or munching on a vat of peanut butter pretzels.   I want to run away and hide where no one can find me, but instead I try to heal the wounds so I can keep on going, and the bandages I use to cover up those wounds are food. It's bad..yes BAD because I am hurting myself by doing that. There are times that I will even pull my husband into it with me. I don't let too many people into my sanctuary, he is a willing accomplice that is until we realize that I am hurting him by sharing this unhealthy habit, and that makes me feel twice as bad.   Since I have had surgery and before the latest disaster struck, I was working on NOT eating in bed. NOT eating in my bedroom. Keeping meals and snacks in the kitchen and at the table where they belong.   It becomes difficult and feels impossible when I feel the need to hide. I want some peace a moment of relaxation, so I run to my bedroom and barricade myself away from the un-relenting caterwauls that come from outside.   If it's not one of the 5 kids, (all over the age of 18-actually 4 over the age of 20!) it's one of our parents, or siblings that claw and vie for attention. Usually something life threating, just so you know it's not just the usual hey what's for dinner or I can't find my key kind of stress, those things just compound daily and sometimes cause the force of the stress to be 10 times worse then it actually is.   There are days when I feel as though I have PTSD and just the ring of the phone, the whisper in the hallway or the knock on the door is enough to get my heart palpitating, my head pounding and my brow sweaty with anxiety.   I know I should lace up my sneakers and go for a walk, or hang a punching bag and beat the ever loving sh*t out of it. Tape the person of the day to it, and punch away. However, when I am emotionally spent and physically exhausted the only thing I fixate on is the drive to the store to buy that box or container of comfort food. When I get home all I want to do is close and lock my door, curl up under the covers and dig in.   This week, as I feel myself calming down a bit from the last two weeks of high anxiety and stress I am re-committing to working on these goals. I am hopeful that enough practice even if it is in between crisis I will be able to overcome my need for comfort foods, if not my need for escape, and learn to soothe my stress in more productive ways.   After 42 years, I am learning the power of NO and the definition of boundaries. I am practicing using the word NO more often, putting and keeping those boundaries firmly in place.   I am also thinking of investing in that punching bag. It could be a fun way to blow off steam! I wonder if they have one I could put on my desk….
lisacaron

lisacaron

6
 

Sweet Indulgence

Once upon a time many years ago. 7 to exact. I lost 40 pounds. It was a rough time in my life, I was getting a divorce, starting a new job, sick and broken. (No really I had a tumor on my ovary and a broken foot!)   So many things were happening in my life at one time, that food and eating it didn’t seem to matter much to me. Having a broken foot I was hopping around on crutches everywhere I went. I got my cast on and started that new job that Monday morning. I had no choice, I was getting a divorce after nearly 20 years of marriage and I had 3 kids to care for. There was no time for self-pity!!! (Truth be told there is always a time, and you find it locked in your bathroom or your bedroom and you cry it out and steel yourself again to get through the next day.)   Wonder Woman didn’t cry, she battled and battle I did. Then a few months into it, I met the most amazing guy. He seemed to understand me on a level that no one ever had, and as time went on we grew closer and closer. We have been through so much in our lives, and so much more in the last 7 years that we have gone through together. Finally this last year on 10/11/12 we said our vows and married each other.   So happy, in love and satisfied with my life my love of food and all things SWEET returned with a vengeance. My Sweetheart shared that love with me and together we gained weight. I gained back the 40 pounds I had lost and then some!   At the time I was married last year I was at my heaviest weight ever. I did not let that stop me from buying a wedding gown, or two OK so I had 3! (We had 2 weddings and one celebration brunch when we returned) I never felt out of place in my skin, though I did feel bloated and uncomfortable, even a little sick and lethargic at times. I was happy, we were happy.   Today, as my 1 year anniversary approaches and I am 30 pounds lighter, I looked in the mirror as I got ready for work this morning. I put on the diamond necklace my husband bought me as an anniversary gift. It came on this short 16” chain and when he bought it for me I thought that will never fit my fat neck! I’ll have to get another chain when he’s not looking. I put the box away until I could get that chain, but today I slipped it on and it fit great! It sits right at my collar bone and it looks amazing.   I looked in the mirror, and I felt “thin”. Don’t get me wrong I still need to lose another 100+ pounds, but for the first time…truly the first time even though I had lost weight before, this time I felt I might really be thin again.   I have truly lost the weight! Well and truly lost it! Those extra 30 pounds of me are gone and gone forever. I feel as though a layer has peeled away. I feel lighter, in body and in mind. I am looking forward to shedding more and more of myself in the months ahead. I am ready and committed to losing it. I’m ready to break free of all that has weighed me down all these years.   I still love my sweets, as does my hubby. Only now we take the time to make better choices and substitutions for those sweets, and make the space to enjoy a little indulgence on occasion. The sweetest indulgence for me today is the diamond necklace I wrapped around my neck that sits so perfectly and winks at me from the mirror with the knowing that it’s only going to get sweeter and sweeter!  
lisacaron

lisacaron

2
 

Attitude Adjustment

These long dreary days are not doing much for my get up and go. I find myself bored to tears. Yawning my head off to the point that my eyes are watering. I'd love to be able to have the time to take off and just recuperate from the level of stress my life always seems to be under.   The problem I encounter is when I have a down moment, and things are not moving at the speed of light and sound I don't know what to do with myself! I am so used to the high impact crash that usually happens when my battery stalls from all the overwhelming stress. The ones that take me down to the ground, and keep me there only until all the wounds scab over.   I'm not used to pulling over and letting things pass me and avoiding those high speed crashes, but I am learning and I have been making different life choices these days and it's not just about food.   Last year was a very rough year. It started at its usual break neck speed of things, and the intensity only increased throughout the year. I could write down all the grisly details, but sometimes sharing it all makes me tired and a bit sad. The events were extreme and it's a story that leaves most people staring at us with their mouths hanging open in disbelief. From January to April of last year our lives were zooming along on a roller coaster ride out of control.   New Year's Eve this year we looked at each other, and vowed that this would be the year we worry about us. The year we focus on our health and wellbeing.   A few weeks into the new year, my husband found out he would need a total hip replacement. The pain in his leg and his hip was getting worse by the second so we contacted the Hospital for Special surgery and met with the doctor, and the doctor didn't sugar coat it he told him flat out you need the surgery and that he would not touch him at his weight. He told him point blank go for some kind of weight loss surgery because you can't undergo this operation without it.   He was devastated as I was to hear that. NO one wants to hear they are fat or that they are going to continue to suffer because of it if they don't do something about it, but I had a plan and I had the perfect place for us to go! I called the surgeon I had met 2 years prior that very same day and he accommodated us, so we drove there that very same day and started our Lapband journey!   We jumped over the hurdles and through the testing hoops. We swam in the sea of the liquid diet, and we had our surgery, and in me…something was changing.   I was learning so much more about myself. Not only about the foods I was eating, but why I was eating, and when and how and as I started to look at those things…I had to look at myself. I mean REALLY look at myself deep down inside in those dark and scary corners that no one wants to venture not even me! Yes my body had changed I had all these new little lines all around my tummy. I had lost some weight and I could see that in the mirror. My clothes were fitting better, but more importantly my attitude was changing.   For me the stress never stops coming, not everything is as exceptional as the last year and Thank God for that! Something's are positive stressors like my youngest son's High School Graduation, College registrations 70th Birthday parties and 50 year anniversaries, but being part of the sandwich generation can really take its toll. My husband and I are caught between our sick and ailing parents who end up in the hospital every other week with life and death issues, from life support to blood clots to life saving surgeries decisions to be made on a dime, and our Peter Pan children who are pushing into their late 20's that seem to not want to grow up and take on the mantel of adulthood responsibility.   We are always under one stress or another, working full time long hours far from home is sometimes a good thing, but most days it just adds to the level of stress.   As I am learning what powers my body, and what it needs and doesn't need what it can and will tolerate or not, I am also learning about myself. The undue stress I endure when I run and jump and speed race for others, when I take on too many projects and take on other peoples responsibilities it adds to my already heavy burden. I have learned that just because I am capable, and can carry it doesn't mean that I have to.   I am learning to pick and choose the things I engage in, as much as I pick and choose how, what and when I eat. I love to be able to help people it makes me feel good to share the knowledge and understanding I have, or to give physical aid where it's needed, but it can no longer be at the expense of my health.   It hasn't been so easy for me to understand that I have to come first. I have to put my health and my wellbeing above the rest.   I'm learning to take deep breaths and to try and keep the stress at bay. It's not always possible and it's never easy but I'm learning to cope to work with and around things that I should not be stressing over.   In three almost four months the band has really helped me to make some major changes in my life and my lifestyle in positive ways. I don't think any weight loss would have been possible for me to keep off if I did not make some of these alterations, and I hope that I am able to continue to learn and implement new coping skills and see even more weight loss as I move forward toward my goals.   Taking the time to think about and write all this today, as boring and dreary a day as it is here, has been an awesome non scale victory for me!
lisacaron

lisacaron

2
 

Motivation, Ambition & Goals

I wrote this e-mail today and sent it out to a group of my co-workers who are in a Weigh to Win contest with me and on my team. 2 of us lost weight for this mid contest weigh in and 2 of us gained weight. Minimal amount of 2 pounds but still the goal is to lose and those of us that gained were feeling pretty down and beating themselves up.   In putting this together in the hope to inspire and motivate my teammates I learned much about myself and I hope to follow my own advice and recommit!!   Milestone #1   We have reached our first marker in this Weight to Win contest. Though it’s not about just the “contest” it’s about motivating ourselves to make some life style changes.   Over the last 6 weeks we have each rallied through our personal setbacks. Though we may not all be seeing the number we want to see on the scale we have all made some very real and inspiring changes in our lives over the last 6 weeks. We have changed some if not all of our eating habits. 6 weeks is not enough time to change all our habits! So don’t be unmotivated by what has NOT changed. Look at what HAS changed! Perhaps you have cut certain items that are sure weight sabotages’ out of your diet. Things like soda, salty pretzels, donuts or cookies. Perhaps you have started a new exercise routine, and kept it going day after day or even just went out and bought a new pair of sneakers or clothes with the plan to become more active.   Whatever it is, you have made changes and you should applaud yourself and each other for that! It is not easy to change things that we have spent half a life time learning, following and putting into practice so be kind and cut yourself a break, and then cut out your excuses and recommit!   Psych Basics Motivation Ambition, Goals How to Get Motivated Motivation is literally the desire to do things. It's the difference between waking up before dawn to pound the pavement and lazing around the house all day. It's the crucial element in setting and attaining goals—and research shows you can influence your own levels of motivation and self-control. So figure out what you want, power through the pain period, and start being who you want to be. ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY The goals of acceptance are to change your aim from getting rid of unpleasant emotions to fully experiencing them in service of achieving your desired goals. Anyone can follow the steps, which are as follows: Practice "defusing” your judgment from your emotions. Labeling your feelings as negative and your thoughts as truths tends to extend your desire to avoid them to the circumstances and/or actions that stir them up. You need to break this link to become more capable of taking the action you need to achieve your desired goals—or to stop maladaptive behaviors like relationship sabotage or drug abuse, overeating designed to prevent you from feeling or thinking unpleasant things.
Clarify your goals. You may not even be aware of some of them, so impossible might they seem because of the painful feelings that even contemplating them stirs up. I want to lose weight, but I am fat, I have always been/ will always be fat. I can’t make this goal I’m not worthy of it. WRONG! WE are worthy and we, YOU can make it happen!
Commit to behaviors that will enable you to achieve your goals. You must decide that you're going to achieve your goals no matter how much pain striving toward them may cause you. I’m tired and I don’t want to go to the gym! I am depressed and need to have this candy, cookie, Pizza to make me feel better. Exercises hurts I don’t want to do it and be in pain. I don’t have time. EXCUSES. YOU CAN OVERCOME these, and it might be hard.. exercise can hurt, and you might really want that pizza, but you can suck it up and make the choice to take care of and love your body and yourself even if it’s uncomfortable right now, you will get there!
Accept the impossibility of ceasing to feel unpleasant emotions. You will never, ever succeed in feeling only good. So stop trying. Seek to become strong enough to tolerate feeling bad. It might be hard today, and even harder tomorrow. You might do 1 mile today and 3 miles tomorrow, you may lift more and more, but you CAN do it! You can grow your muscles and shrink your waist! You got this!!
Here is an exercise recommended to get you started: I am going to answer these in relation to losing weight, and this contest though this exercise can work for you on any goals you might want accomplish. It is a great tool for self-examination and understanding. I would like to share my thoughts with you all if you don’t mind..I put in a few examples of excuses that I might come up with on first glance and then answered them truthfully and marked them as such. Write down a goal that you've either repeatedly failed to accomplish or have never even attempted because to contemplate trying has brought up intense, unpleasant emotions. Perhaps you want to reunite with your estranged father, or read a poem in front of an audience, or ask someone out on a date. You're looking for a goal that you've been unable to achieve not because of an external obstacle (though they certainly may exist) but because of an internal one.
Goal: To lose weight and keep it off Then write down underneath it all the steps you would need to take to accomplish it. You can do this in any level of detail you want.
Make changes to my choices of food
Stick to a stick caloric intake
Commit to tracking my food and exercise on a daily basis
Get up and start moving more during the day
Create and stick to an exercise plan of cardio and strength training daily
Get enough sleep
Drink enough water
Stay accountable to my goals
Then write down next to those steps the unpleasant emotions they stir up.
Make changes to my choices of food

I get emotionally tied to certain foods. I think of holiday foods or celebrations and think that it’s OK to indulge in these things for this one time. The problem is that it’s not just that one time or that one event. Once I open the door to the food I have a harder time saying NO to it.
Sometimes I will go out of my way to purchase and eat things that I know are bad for me or will sabotage me and keep me from reaching my goals. I’ll go out and buy that ice cream bar, or that bag of chocolate truffles and eat the whole dam thing! (Truth)
I will have unresolved guilt about indulging and binging on that food, but then “excuse” myself from that by telling myself I had a hard day, or I deserve to “celebrate” this one time which is never just one time..and I will secretly feel badly about it.
[*]Stick to a stick caloric intake I feel limited and put in a box. I don’t want to be “restricted” in what I am eating!
I hate looking up every single food item and reading the labels!
If I didn’t let myself get so fat I would not have to do this! (Truth)
[*]Commit to tracking my food and exercise on a daily basis I don’t have the time for this!
I am so busy cause I am super important that I don’t have the time to do this for myself!
OK so I’m lazy and I really don’t want to know what I am putting in my mouth!
I can’t face that I might possibly eat more then Shamu the whale on any given day!(Truth)
[*]Get up and start moving more during the day I can’t do this because my body hurts
I have a headache and I’m sick!
I have to be at my desk this is my job!
OK I’m lazy. I get complacent and don’t want to move
Yes I even hold it longer then I should instead of getting up to use the rest room
If I walk out to the hallway people might see me and judge me and think what a fat ass she has in those pants. (Truth)
[*]Create and stick to an exercise plan of cardio and strength training daily I’m great at making plans!
Lists, spreadsheets, trackers I can make them all up but follow them and fill them in? Ha! Nope.
If I do that I’ll have to face myself. I’ll know when I miss a day and that will just prove to me again how lazy and unmotivated I am. (Truth)
If I miss a day it’s over, I’ll have to start over I can’t have gaps so why bother with it at all?
If I don’t create a program then I can just blame that and not myself.
[*]Get enough sleep There are just so many hours in the day and I am just too busy doing important things to carve out 8 hours of sleep!
People rely on me all day and I’m on the go all day I can’t unwind and find the time to get the sleep in.
My mind is so wound up that I need a few hours to unwind and watch TV so I can’t get enough hours of sleep
If people don’t need me to do everything for them I don’t think they love me or value me so I can’t say no to them or myself when asked to do something and that robs me of sleep. (Truth)
[*]Drink enough water I don’t like water
I am not always thirsty
If I drink too much water I’ll have to use the restroom more often and it’s that many more times I’ll have to see people in the hall way that might judge me for how I look. (Truth)
[*]Stay accountable to my goals It just so hard to stay accountable to myself.
If I share then I can blame others when I don’t succeed.
If I am truly accountable to myself I will have to admit that I make mistakes, and I don’t always follow through on things, and if I admit that to myself I might have to admit that to others and they will think as little of me and I think of myself. (Truth)
If you want to share your thoughts…I’m here for you! They say the first step is acceptance…
lisacaron

lisacaron

0
 

Eating my stress away, and meeting Mrs. Strange

Eating my stress away, and meeting Mrs. Strange It's one of those days! Have you ever had one? Where you go to sleep early you wake up late your hubby has been up hours ahead of you and is in a bad mood because while you were sleeping the insert curse word here (kids) yes that's the word I was talking about, went around the house doing their own thing with regard to nothing and no one. So that ticked him off and rightfully so, if I wasn't so tired I'd be upset about it too, but good grief I am sooooo tired of the drama and the stress. It seems like it's my life really, it's not just since surgery though surgery has changed the way I think about it all. Before surgery it was easy to ride to the local pharmacy or corner store and pick up a bag of chocolate go home and eat my stress and fustration away. Today it's not so easy to do. Not because I don't want some, but because I think about all I have gone through in the last month, and it's just not worth it to go backwards. I want to move ahead, I want to be healthy and bag of chocolate is not the healthiest choice for me to make and I wouldn't be able to eat a whole bag and I might just end up not enjoying it anyway since I have no desire for it to begin with. This is were Mrs. Strange comes in, that's how I feel about it all. As if there was this insecure and scared part of me that has had to grow up and deal with these little every day and not so little but for me just about every day!!!! Stressors. She has had to grow up and can't have her bag of candy, she has to deal with the feelings and the issues and cope with them in another way. She's not doing a bad job if I do say so myself, but in these moments….it all feels so strange. I feel so strange. I am not used to floundering through my feelings and my emotions, I'm used to just dealing with it head on and medicating it later with a bag of candy! I'm not as familiar with Mrs. Strange as I am with Mr. Hershey! Though I am getting to know her a little more each day. Mr. Band-it introduced me to her about a month ago. Mr. Band-it and I bonded instantly the day after surgery, he was part of my life. It's this new Mrs. Strange, who walks away from the candy isle and heads to the gym to work off her fustration and stress. Who sits here and watches all her co-works come up to the desk to take cookies out of the tin, and pretzles out of the bucket and thinks to herself as they all complain about eating yet another cookie, it would serve them right if I super glued the container shut. At least I would have something to laugh at watching them fight to get it open so they could reach those cookies and pretzles! I shared that thought out loud, and my boss laughed but later gave me that sideways look before he dived into the pretzle bucket, I'm sure wondering if I actually did or would super glue it shut Mrs. Strange has a way about her, but I’m starting to like her better every day! She and Mr. Band-It are getting along very well and helping me to make a lot of positive changes in my life.
lisacaron

lisacaron

0
 

The Warrior

The Warrior. I am not new to stress, any kinds of stress. I have it in abundance, it finds me no matter where or how I try to hide from it. I am not one of those people that seeks out drama and enjoys creating struggles in her life. I would much rather turn on the TV and see it play out there, where I can turn it off when it gets to be too much. My life is nothing like TV and there is no remote to change the channel or to mute the nonsense or abort it all together by switching it off. Nope not for me, some days I feel like it's a constant assault of one thing after another. Trust me I am not one of those people that makes mountains out of mole hills either. The stress I speak of is real, it is the stress of 5 children all over the age of 18 that can't seem to find their direction and all live at home with me. It is the stress of working 12 hour days 5 days a week with an hour each way to commute. It is the stress of sick in laws and fathers. It is the stress of burying ex-wives, and the untimely death of friends with megawatt high profile funerals to plan and execute. It is also the stress of good things like graduations and holidays. Weddings, and new babies being born. It is the stress of family, I'm sure everyone can relate, not need to expand here.   There are days when I just want to cave in, I want to curl up and give up.   If you knew me that would be one of the last things that this warrior would say or do, but it doesn't mean that I don't think about it, and just having those thoughts of giving up bring me even more stress because I know I am that low, and it is going to take me that much more work to pull myself up and out. I am the Warrior. I have spent my 42 years battling everything under the sun, yet the hardest battle there is to fight is the one against myself. I am my own worst enemy. I get so lost in the excuse of having to do this and that for all others that I lose the focus on what I really should be doing. I put aside taking care of myself and I say it's for this one or that one and what would they do if I didn't stop to do it or help them out? They can't get along without my help and my input right? The world as we know it might come to an end is my response. If you follow any of the movies Hollywood is putting out these days…that might just happen with me or without me helping. So why am I doing something for everyone but me? This year I vowed along with my husband that this was going to be the year I get healthy WE get healthy. Wait a second, I didn't realize that I was doing it AGAIN. I don't have to wait around, or put the fault on him or anyone else. If he can't walk or he's tired or my cousin bought a new car, or his having a baby, that doesn't mean I shouldn't lace up my sneakers and get that walk in today! My father is in surgery and my son is graduating and the tent my sister in law was supposed to lend me conveniently has holes in it from of all things ants, that or she just didn't like that I called her out last night on her bullshit, but either way that doesn't mean that I shouldn't make a better choice for dinner then Domino's pizza! Even if I can only eat 2 slices instead of half the pie it's still a bad choice. Wait a second, I think the bug zapper in my brain finally came to life, and zapped a few of those annoying thoughts that plague me with their incessant buzzing annoyance. You know the ones that I bred to keep me distracted and diverted from doing all the things I should be doing to make my life healthy. I went through major surgery to make my life better! I didn't just sit in some pretend yoga pose chanting I think I can I think I can I think I can. No, I really can! So what the heck am I doing? Why am I not getting my act together and getting out there and working out and eating better. I have NO excuse. I have to stop blaming everyone and THEIR problems. I have to stop making their problems my problems. I have to start taking care of my problems because I just realized no one else is going to do it! No matter how much I help them, they are never going to be able to help me with what I need. I have to open up and let go and start doing it and stop making excuses to myself about why I feel the way I do.   So what you, feel the way you feel. Acknowledged now deal with it. Get off your ass and do something about it! I know I can, I will and I AM! Right now! Today! This very moment. I am the Warrior!
lisacaron

lisacaron

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