It's official!
I saw Dr. X on Monday for my monthly follow up. I have hit the the 50 pound loss mark. If you really think about it ... that's a whole big bucket of blubber. Fifty pounds is definitely life changing. Just about every aspect of my life has changed. My complete wardrobe (all three levels) are obsolete. My sleep habits have changed ... no more snoring. My exercise went from zero to above moderate. My eating habits have greatly changed for the better. My overall activity level has improved. My blood pressure went down and my resting heart rate is at the GOOD level. I'm only a couple of beats per minute over EXCELLENT and not far from ATHLETE. That's a hoot! So you can probably say that I had a complete makeover. Both in outside appearance and inside my head. It's the head part that's the hardest to change. I will have to struggle with this for the rest of my life. If I ever give in, it'll be back to the level 3 wardbrobe and I can't afford that.
Well I think it's time to get a real grip on what 50 pounds of fat ass real is. We reviewed it at the 40 level and that was kinda fun. And very eye opening. So let's look at fifty.
1) $200 in quarters ( that would be 800 coins) weighs fifty pounds. This begs the question: What would you rather have? 200 bucks or my ass full of quarters?
2) An average 7 year old child weighs fifty pounds. My kid is growing up right before my eyes. Remember? He was only 3 at the 40 pound level
3) A bale of hay weighs 50 pounds. My ass weighed about 10 bushells full.
4) A baby pygmy hippo weighs 50 pounds. We can all think of something wittty to say here. Let's leave at this: A few months ago, hanging out with me would be like hanging out with 5 baby hippos. Less the cuteness.
5) 2 big sacks of potatos weigh fifty pounds. Formerly easily consumed by me either fried, baked, sauteed, mashed, boiled. It didn't matter. Also, A potato is the Father of the Chip. Forever whorshipped.
6) A medium pit bull terrier. 50 pounds of sheer muscle. Can't say that about 50 pounds of ass.
7) 5 bowling balls. Yep. Strap 'em on and go up and down the stairs a few times.
It never gets old! If we had time, I would go around the house and weigh all the appliances. I know my ass was at least as heavy as your average microwave oven. Or maybe even your refrigerator. It was big and it was heavy. Now, not so much. Yes, I am still of large ass. But not of fat ass. Hopefully soon, I will be of normal ass. Fret not my friends, I will always be YOUR horse's ass.
Hasta la vista, baby!
Johnny!
P.S. I'm in the game for real now. Dr. X gave me another full c.c. in the band. I'm at 35% restriction. I will report any changes soon
Hellooo fellow fat fighters! Welcome back to my warped world of wobble. It's true I don't see things the way the most people do. Some call it weird. Some call it inappropriate. Some like it. Some don't. But I call it the way I see it. Through my own pair of kaleidoscopic glasses. If you're a liker, read on for more of my magical mushroom musings. If you're a hater, stick around anyway. I might publicly embarrass myself. Again.
Anyhoo .... Let's start with a few facts for newer readers. This can also refresh the jellies that my loyal readers call brains. Hey, if you're hanging around this blog, your power of cognitive thinking is probably lacking that of a confused hamster. Or you obviously don't have anything better to do. Either way, Let's all assume that the overall retention rate of my readers is, well ... what were we talking about? Oh, yeah .. right. A little recap.
Here ya' go.
December 2012 - Couldn't fit my fat ass in a plane seat. Almost needed the belt extender. Realized I had a weight problem.
January 2013 - Had my 1st consultation for Lap Band surgery. Was hoping to get it done in a week.
February / March 2013 - Saw doctors and shrink. Had Farewell to Food Tour. Fought insurance company.
April 8, 2013 - Level 3 pants explode. Started emergency diet. Fought with insurance company.
May 15, 2013 - Had Lap Band surgery
May 16, 2013 - Started new life.
Last April 8th, I hit the scale at 254.5 pounds. This may not sound like a whole lot to some with similar struggles. But I am of smaller stature. This weight put my BMI at 43! I was a short biggun! Had there been a remake of the Wizard of OZ, I would have gotten the Mayor of Munchinville part hands down! However, since there was no hope of a munchkin comeback, I knew I had to get started, regardless of my doctor's or insurance company's schedules.
My emergency diet worked. My Lap Band is working. My new lifestyle is working. It's all coming together. I set a goal for myself of 169 pounds. Today's scale visit shouted 179 pounds. I am 10 pounds away from my original goal. If I can lose about 1 pound a week, that will put me at goal right around my Bandiversary on May 15. That would be Mission Accomplished.
As awesome as it will be to hit that goal, that is not my current mindset. First of all, if my goal is 169, I damn well better get down to 165. All dieters know that there will be upward fluctuations upon return to a normal food life. I certainly don't want to get all giddy at 169, have a party and wake up the next day at 173. That would be muy depressing. So for what it's worth, I have decided to play this thing out for the rest of the year. I am going to continue doing what I am doing as far as food, drink and exercise and let the chips fall where they may. If I get down to the 150s by then, maybe Santa will bring me a new wardrobe.
Via Con Dios!
Johnny T
Fat Fanatics! Email your comments and questions to:
mccgolfer99@gmail.com
I will answer all questions and, who knows, your pithy comments might make the blog!
Stop by my blog:
TheDeconstructionOfJohnny.blogspot.com
Hi all!
I'm back from my 8 day retreat in the valley of the sun! After suffering through a BRUTAL Chicago winter, I was excited and relieved to get out of town for a LOT of rest and relation. Notice I did not say a little r & r. Nope. Other than checking with the office a few times during the week, I focused on nuthin' but sun, golf and partying.
I was freaking out about my weight before I left on this trip. I had tried like heck to break the 180 barrier before I got on the plane. That didn't work out. I left about 2.5 pounds over that mini goal. Well, this made me freak even more during my vacation. I knew there was no way I could follow my plan. Everyday was filled with nice breakfasts, wonderful lunches, outstanding dinners and, of course, adult beverages of every variety. I was in trouble.
Instead of throwing in the towel and going on an eating and drinking binge, I decided to go with the flow. But ... I was smart about it. I used smart food choices all week. I really limited any breads, potatoes and pastas. I ate fish as much as possible, even in the fancy steak joints. I steered pretty clear of sweets and deserts. I ate protein bars and SkinnyPop for snacks when available. I tried to make sure I ate something healthy about every 3 hours. I walked as much as I could. Even the seven rounds of golf I played using a cart, still required me to walk about 3.5 miles each round.
This brings us to the adult beverage portion of our story. Did I abstain from beer, vodka and wine? Hell no. I was on vacation with a bunch of adults. It's part of the deal. It's part of enjoying life. Did I over do it? Hell no. I had 2 beers during the week. I've been hankering for a frosty Corona with a lime for months. So I had a couple. I had a few vodkas and soda every day. No sugary juices or mixes. I had a few glasses of fine wine during the week. So, yes I imbibed. But no, I did not drink like a sailor on a three day leave.
I got on the plane coming home resigned to the fact that I would probably hit 185 on the scale on Monday morning. Anything over that would piss me off. I didn't want to start my week back to work in a bad mood, so I decided to not weigh in for a week. This would give me time to lose those vacation pounds and ease my fat fears. But, I couldn't do it. I had to know. I pulled out my fancy fitbit scale this morning and jumped on. Ready for a deserved kick in the nuts. Imagine my surprise when my friendly fitbit scale told me I weighed 181. 3! Less than when I left. This is a SCALE victory.
My fancy fitbit scale gave me more than just good news on my weight. It showed me that I can go on a vacation and enjoy myself like a normal thin person. It gave me a glimpse into my future. Someday I will move to the maintenance side of this project. And this is will be my life. As long as I make healthy food choices, drink moderately and stay active, I can maintain. This is what normal people do. And that's what this whole journey has been about. Being normal. BTW, is it normal to crave margaritas? I'll have to ask a skinny person.
See ya soon.
jt
Fat Fanatics! Email your comments and questions to:
mccgolfer99@gmail.com
I will answer all questions and, who knows, your pithy comments might make the blog!
Yup. I'm stuck. Not the lap band "I need to toss my cookies" stuck. Weight stuck. I have reached a weight number that I cannot seem to bust through. If you look this phenonenom up in the FatAss World Dictionary, Volume 17, Second Edition, you will find that this is called a plateau.
A plateau for the over active metabolism crowd, is a nice place. The top of a mountain perhaps. Where you can gaze at beautiful vistas and see for miles. A plateau for the overly girthed is quite another matter. It's a tortuous place that plays with your emotions. It's a place that reminds you that your journey ain't easy. In fact, it reminds you that the road in front of you is only going to get harder. Moving off this plateau is metabolism over mind. Sometimes it's just out of your control. It's part of the process. I don't plan on pitching my tent and staying on this plateau. I plan on moving on as fast as possible. So I'll soldier on. Head down, focused on the goal.
Being stuck is about as frustrated as you can get in a weight loss campaign. Here you are doing everything right. Following the same plan that has worked for you for months with good results. Only to get kicked in the nuts with your daily or weekly scale visit. In my case, it's daily. I weigh my self every morning. For the last 10 days or so, my weight has fluctuated back and forth about a pound and a half either way. A couple days ago, I hit the low end and I thought "this is it. I'm gonna break this mark tomorrow." Only when tomorrow came, I bounced back up a pound. ARRGHHH! If my ultra high tech FitBit scale didn't cost so much, I would have flung it out the window. So I kicked it. (Note to self: Kicking your scale hurts and can only do bodily damage. Please refrain from hostile acts of aggression towards said device in the future. Resort to colorful language instead.)
This is also doubly frustrating for me. Why? Because my low weight right now is 200.4 pounds. I have been waiting to get that 1 in front of my weight number. I'm as excited as a kid on Christmas eve to hit that mark. Come to think of it, I'm probably more excited. Hell, a kid only has to wait one year for Christmas. I haven't had a 1 in front of my weight since ... well, I know I still had a record player. I'll have to do some research on this. Suffice to say, it's been a LONG friggin time. So here I sit ... on the door step of a personal milestone. I can only hope that I will break through this barrier by next Monday. If you want to be there for the breaking news. Stand outside my bathroom window around 6:30 a.m. If you don't see a FitBit scale flying through the glass, you know I made it. If not, DUCK!
I will report back from the other side of 2.
Johnny
Welcome back! It's time for more girthy grins from your formerly portly preacher. So let's get right into it and see what's happening in the world of Johnny.
Frankly, I'm dealing with another debacle.
Last week, I finally got around to finally moving my old suits into storage. Did I say finally? I have been slowly paring my old wardrobe from my closet. It has not been easy. It's not the actual moving of clothes that's hard, it's the sorting of the clothes that's the killer. What to throw away and what to keep. It's a mess of epic proportions. After all, I am dealing with about 5 levels of clothing.
To clear it up for our new readers, a "level" of clothes is / was the particular items I had that fit me in various stages of rotundness. At my worst, I was busting out of my Level 3 wardrobe. That consisted of several pairs of slacks and a couple of over sized shirts. God forbid if I ever had to invoke Level 4 emergency protocols! That was just a moo moo and a pair of furry bunny slippers. The world was not ready for that.
As I have lost weight, I have moved rapidly through Level 2 (comfortable fitting FAT wardrobe), Level 1 (loose fitting fat wardrobe and some trousers and shirts from an old closet, circa 1995), a new transitional Level A wardrobe (some new clothes and a myriad of FAT clothes that were taken in), Level B wardrobe which consists of all new transitional clothes and some old shirts that have been severely altered.
Needless to say the the move downward through the levels requires me to set up shop in my closet and endlessly try on pants and shirts. Discarding the "absolutely don't fits", keeping the" fits OKs" and waffling on the "in-betweeners". Because this chore is not related to work, sports or sex, paying attention for any length of time is quite cumbersome. So after about an hour, I got bored and just keep the items I hadn't gotten to yet. This caused a little bit of a logjam. But I FINALLY got it done.
After last weeks wardrobe purge, my closet looks pretty empty. Now I have discovered I have only a handful of pants that fit, a few jeans and three Jos. A Banks Sunday go-to-meetin' outfits. I'm in trouble here! I may have to invoke reverse Level C emergency protocols, if I don't get some new trousers in a hurry! I have taken the new pants I bought back in November to Giovanni the "crack tailor" to get taken in. I call him the "crack tailor" because it seems like I am there every week with a fistful of cash to get my fix. I hope these pantalones hold me for another month or so. I really don't want to buy new slacks because I am right on the edge of another downward move in the waist size. Giovanni hopes I continue the tailoring route. I also learned that even if your tailor tells you he can take 9 inches out of your waist, that doesn't mean the pants are going to look right. I may have started a new fashion trend ... 3 belt loops in the back about an inch apart from each other. We'll see if it catches on.
Truth be told, I made a few wardrobe mistakes along the way. First, I got way too many slacks, suits and sport coats altered after the first 30 pounds or so. My body was changing so fast that I never even had a chance to wear most of the items. Secondly, I took about 20 shirts in and had those taken in as well. Giovanni can take in the sides, but he can't redo the neck. So I ended up with a bunch of dress shirts with big necks. And the sport coats? He took in the sides, but he couldn't move the shoulders. So I ended up looking like a character from Miami Vice. Big wide collars and shoulder pads. I had to say good bye.
I am just ranting about this because it's aggravating and time consuming. But we have to put this in the "good problem to have" column. Yup. It sure beats going the other way. I suppose it's rewarding to see the new clothes I bought in the fall hanging off me already. With another 25 pounds to go, I'm certain I'll being doing at least a couple more wardrobe purges. Only this time it won't be fancy custom suits made by my former haberdasher. You know him? Omar the Tent Maker. If you go see him, tell him Johnny sent you. And also tell him I am no longer in need of his services.
SOOOO LOOONG FOR NOW!
JT
Fat Fanatics! Email your comments and questions to:
mccgolfer99@gmail.com
I will answer all questions and, who knows, your pithy comments might make the blog!
Hi ya'll!
I'm fresh off a 4 day weekend and wanted to get you the up to the minute Johnny news. C'mon, be honest.... how many of you just can't wait for your fanatical fat fix? I thought so. This blog is like an auto race. Most of the spectators just come for the crashes. At the very least, I am a cheap version of a reality show. Your own personal rendition of Biggest Loser. Or Survivor. Hey, I got an idea ... What if we combine both of those shows? Let's strand a bunch of fat asses in the middle of no where with no food and the potty mouthed TV chef Paula Dean. We'll call it Fattasy Island. My bet, 7 contestants arrive, only 5 leave. The other 2 will be enjoyed with a homemade tropical marinade. No doubt this will be a huge hit.
On to the news.
Last Monday I went for monthly follow up visit at the center for Fat-ass-i-ness. As reported last week, I officially hit the 50 pound loss point. Yippee! I have to tell you that I am starting to look and feel a little out of place in the waiting area. I am no longer the short, overly swelled man that enjoyed the extra comfort of the fat ass chairs. I am now just a short, plump man that looks like a little kid sitting in a big chair. Add the fact that I usually wear a suit and tie on Mondays. The waiting wobblers probably think I'm some kind of creepy sales person waiting to show Dr. X my new drugs. But sitting and waiting is part of my commitment. It is part of my rehab. Yup. Rehab. Because that's really what this is. Fataholic's Anonymous. My name is Johnny ... and I'm a fataholic.
Anyone that reads this, and definitely anyone that tries this, must realize what a significant weight loss project really is. It's a full time commitment to food sobriety. Without full dedication to the cause, you are doomed to fail. "Just one Oreo" can be as catastrophic to a fataholic as "just one beer" to the alcoholic. That first step backwards can lead to a tumble. The end of the binge is just as devastating for both. Self consciousness, loss, shame, failure. All the same buzz words. The alcoholic may end his bender in a a tavern with a shot and a beer in the wee hours of the morning. The fataholic may end up in a corner with a jumbo bag of Dorito's and jar of salsa. Self inflicted wounds for both.
The fataholic requires guidance just like his counterpart. We get all the information we need to succeed from our nutritionists, shrinks and doctors. But at the end of the day, it is still on you to watch and motivate yourself. You have to make constant decisions to succeed. Food is not only required to live,it is part of our culture. Think about it. Just about every social gathering includes food. A nice night out with your better half probably includes dinner. A business lunch includes food. Weddings, birthday parties, anniversaries, bar mitzvahs ... you name a social gathering and there will be food. And plenty of it.
How about our addiction to Fat Ass TV? There are several channels that air nothing but food shows 24/7. Then you have Masterchef, Iron Chef,Top Chef and a myriad of other kitchen shows. There is a guy that drives around the country and pigs out at out of the way diners. There are guys that fix broken restaurants and a guy that spies on various eatery's employees. If has to do with food, there is a TV show about it. And these chefs / stars get paid humongous salaries for this! I'm really in the wrong business.
It's easy to see how someone can lose sight of a healthy lifestyle and fall in to the grips of fatness in our country today. Once you get there, going back is b***h. It's a challenge every minute to stay on your selected program. It's a good thing I have my sober coaches to guide me ... good ol' Al C. Hall and his cousin Vinny Vino.
See you soon..
Johnny
PS I'm at a little plateau here. The weight loss is slowing down to around a pound per week. I'm going to have to change something up here next week
Greetings and salutations my friends and fat followers! I am contacting you today from the other side. No, I am not dead and this is not a creepy seance. I'm talking about the other side of 200 pounds. That's right baby. I finally cracked the elusive 200 number. Mark the date and time fat fans, for this is the first time since the mid 80's that I have had a 1 in front of my weight. This is BIG news indeed. I finally feel like I am accomplishing something.
You may ask "What The H, Johnny. You've lost 56 pounds and you don't fell like you accomplished anything? You've lost half of a person, why the lack of satisfaction?"
Here's why. When you're a scale bustin fatass as I was in April, losing a few pounds here or there is no big deal. My weight used to fluctuate five pounds on any given week depending on how many buffets I hit. Lose 10 pounds. So what. Lose 20 pounds. I'll hardly notice. 30 pounds. That's something, but I was still in the "Biggun" category. Forty pounds ... 50 pounds, great. But what really makes me feel like I'm winning is that 1. Normal people have a 1 in front of their weight. That's the answer. I am approaching NORMAL. Soon to be average. Now THAT means something!
As I previously alluded, I have not had that 1 in front of my weight since the mid 80's. The exact date I busted the deuce mark is not clear to me. Matter of fact, the whole decade is not too clear to me. I was awash in self indulgence. My never ending search for a good time is what got me started on this path to bodily destruction. But that's another story for a different time. So let's use these dates. I remember going on some type of diet and getting down to around 165 pounds. I had a picture taken at this time leaning on a new Delorean. That makes it 1982. Obviously that diet didn't take. It took me a few years to work up the weight ladder. I'm pretty sure it was a chicken wing at a Super Bowl 19 party that pushed me over. That would make it 1985.
1985 - It was a very good year. (I think.) Reagan was still president. Gas was $1.09 a gallon and it only cost $3 to see a movie. Michael Jordon was just a pup and the Bears were stocked with now legendary names like, Fridge, Hamp, Mongo, Mama's Boy and the Punky QB. Things were bouncing back from the dog days of Jimmy Carter and 22% interest rates. There was reason to celebrate. And celebrate I did. Nightly. And usually to excess. I was living the single life. Fast money, fast cars and fast women. Unfortunately, fast food was a daily staple. My bodily empire was beginning to fall and I didn't heed the warnings. The 2 came a lot easier on the way up then the 1 did on the way down.
Let's leave the maudlin memories behind. It's a new day, a new age and a new Johnny. I have lost about 56 pounds since April 9. My weekly weight loss is still averaging about 1.5 pounds per week. I know it's going to get slower as my under metabolized body adjusts to my lower calorie intake. But if I could average 1.25 pounds per week, I will hit hit my goal by March. I planned on this taking one full year. I am on schedule. But just think. What if I kept that Delorean? Maybe I could have got up to 88 miles per hour and zapped my way back to 1982. If only I knew then what I know now.
So Long for now. We'll talk soon.
Johnny T.
It's me again, Your friendly fellow flabster. I was going to wait a while before I posted again. But I keep reading posts about our weigh of life that continue to disturb me.
I think we all need to have a serious chat. I guess I am asking you to have a real "heart to heart" with your one and only true best friend. The only person on earth that knows everything about. Your greatest joys. Your darkest secrets. I am, of course, referring to YOU. You need to sit down and really talk to yourself.
What bothers me so much is the despair that a few of our beefy brethren are experiencing during their journeys to a new life. It kills me to read about or hear about other Bandsters that have not been successful in the most important endeavor of their lives. Yes, you are fighting for YOUR life. You are fighting to become a normal, healthy person. A regular Joe trying to prevent social misjudgments, a plethora of medical problems and the ever hovering black cloud of an early death. So I ask you, what don't you get?
We all have taken the most drastic step a severely "weight challenged" individual can take. Some of us let a doctor put an anti eating contraption in our bodies. Some of us let a doctor slice and dice our digestive tracks. All in the final hope of finding a solution to our lifelong problem of fatness. By having these invasive procedures, we all made a commitment. We committed to our doctors, our families and our friends. But the final and most important commitment needs to be to ourselves. Are you committed to your journey?
We have been give a tool to help us in our quest for thinness. But a tool is all we have been given. And guess what? Tools don't work by themselves. Have you ever seen a hammer bang without an arm pounding it? How about a saw magically sawing by itself. I think not. So how can a Lap-Band or a sleeve or a bypass work without your help? Sure, some types of WLS will automatically make some folks lose weight with no effort. But to be really successful, we need to work our tools. If you wake up from your surgery waiting for the pounds to fly off, you will be greatly disappointed.
Before I said " I DO" to my Lap-Band. I knew this was going to be a lifelong marriage to a better lifestyle. It took a couple visits to the shrink to really get me to wrap my head around what I was getting in to. And I had doubts all the way. I almost pulled out my IV and bolted out of the hospital minutes before my surgery. I am glad I didn't. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I did not at least try this last resort.
I learned fast after surgery that If You Don't Work for the Band, the Band Won't Work For You!
So if you're struggling. Take a step back and re-evaluate. Re-commit yourself. If food and drink are your comfort havens, go back to your shrink. And keep going back and talking it out. Ask your doctor to tighten up your band. Spend time with your nutritionist. (I have an intense email relationship with mine! She totally helps me understand how and what to eat.) Get off your butt and do some exercise. I started just walking a 1/2 mile a day. Anything to get me off the couch and away from the evil snacks calling my name. Today I can easily walk a full 18 holes of golf (about 6 miles). I may even try to ride a bike this year!
I was just about the laziest person on earth. I was also the worst eater. I pretty much have never been successful in any weight loss program I have tried before. But here I sit, 10 months out from surgery. Down 75 pounds and only 9 pounds from my original goal. I hate to use a cliche, but this applies here. If I can do it, anyone can do it. You need to start by having that serious chat with yourself. I did.
Much Luck to all!
JT
What's new you ask?
Quick answer.... underwear! Yup. I had to replenish my entire supply of unmentionables, even the new ones I got last Christmas. They just weren't doing the job anymore. The always dependable waist bands were stretched beyond repair and my incredible shrinking ass left the backsides saggy and mis-shaped. Not to mention, all security for the family jewels had completely evaporated. I was dealing with an uncomfortable jail break every hour or so. This caused more than a few strange stares from others during what I thought was a private adjusting period. Good thing I wasn't near a Kinder Kare. That would have been hard to explain. So I solved the crisis. I went out and bought some new skivvies.
While this may not seem like a big deal to most of you. It was to me. Reason... I don't think I have bought my own underwear for twenty or so years. Why? Because every year when I am asked what I want for Christmas, I give the standard man-swer. "Underwear". So I get underwear. Every Christmas morning, I march up to my dresser with my new present stack and clean out last years Jockeys for this years models. I guess models is an overstatement. Other than a few new colors, the basic design hasn't changed since I was a kid. I mean, really. What can you do to improve underwear? And why do you need to?
Well imagine my amazement when I came upon the shorts section of my local department store. I was flabbergasted to see rows and rows and racks and racks of man-derwear! So many brands! So many styles! So little time. And the advertisements, oh my! Here I am, fresh off an embarrassing, not so private reorganizing incident, staring at a life size cut-out of a buffed teen lad with come hither eyes hiding nothing but his schvaanzen behind a scanty pair of man-ties. Honestly, I had to look around and make sure some cop wasn't following me. Or some hidden camera from one of those second rate TV shows.
As overwhelmed as I was, I was on a mission! I had to replenish my underwear supply. Two racks over, I spied the familiar Jockey logo. Thank God. I sauntered over thinking I'd pick up my shorts and be on my way. Wrong again. I guess Jockey, in an effort to keep up with times, has totally expanded their product line. Boxer briefs, sports shorts, low rise, high rise, full coverage or tiny pecker pouches. Ugh. After walking around three racks, I finally found the Classic style. Whew. My new size offers me a plethora of color choices. Sure beats the color selection at the old fat man's shop. There used to be three sizes ... FAT, REAL FAT and YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING. And there was only two color choices ... Santa Red and Your Wives's Gonna Kill You White. I always wondered why they would want to see a fat man in red briefs.
Without further adieu, I chose the multi colored 6 pack. Six pairs for the price of three, awesome. I took them to the checkout counter and pulled out a ten spot and expected some change. Wrong again. This paltry pack of panties was over $30! I had to double check the pack and see if there was some kind of vibrating device included. Nope. I pulled out a couple double sawbucks and through those down with the ten spot. I got my poor excuse of change and headed out the door.
I sure have been out of the man shopping game for a long time. And I am about to get a real education about shopping in the new millennium. My current wardrobe is completely nonfunctional. I had hoped to get through to next spring with some heavy alterations and cheap pants. But that ain't gonna happen. It's gonna cost me. I need to buy a functioning intermediate wardrobe. You know it would be nice if the current men's fashion were of the Fred Flintstone variety. Then I would only need one all purpose tunic.
That's all for now.
Johnny
P.S. I see Dr. X today for a weigh in and another fill. Let's hope I get a GOLD STAR again.
P.S.S. isit my blog: TheDeconstructionOfJohnny.blogspot.com
We are already in to week three of the year. How many of you made a resolution to lose weight? Did you promise yourself you were going to lose a few unsightly pounds, or are you thinking about losing the weight of a small Volkswagen? Well, I'm here to tell you that regardless of how much you want to lose, to be successful you've got to get right in the head first. There is a huge chasm between thinking about it and doing it.
The first thing you need to do is ask yourself:
"Self ... am I ready for this? Am I ready to severely change my life?
Am I ready to rethink the way I look at food and drink?
Am I ready to temporarily forego dinner parties, lunches, and various other social functions?
Am I ready to make my weight loss the most important thing in my life?
Am I ready to become more active?
Am I ready to find a plan and stick to it?
Am I ready to have patience?
Am I committed to succeed?
Well, are ya?
If you have answered NO to any of the aforementioned questions, you probably need to rethink your resolution. Whether you're thinking of blowing out 5 pounds of baby fat or 100 pounds of fat ass, the commitment is the same. The only difference is the distance you may travel. Your 5 pounds may take a couple of weeks. Your 100 pounds may take a couple of years. I know this first hand. If you read my previous rant, you'll remember that Dr. X shocked me by telling me that my quest for Thindom is a 2 year journey. All the while, stupid me was banking on being done in one year. So if you're a "biggun" hitting for the fences, face the fact that you're going to be doing this for a while.
Let's talk to possible Lap-Band candidates. Know this. Don't think you're going to go in for your first consultation and schedule a surgery date. That's what I thought. I went in on January 21, 2013 and thought I would schedule my surgery for a few weeks away. Right between some travel plans I had. Oh NAY NAY! I was given a laundry list of things that I needed to accomplish to get scheduled. My doctor told me if I was diligent, I could get it done in 5 months. Yikes! I saw numerous doctors, shrinks, exercise gurus, nutritionists and fat counselors. I went to group therapies and had batteries of test done. I did everything asked of me as quick as possible and it took me 4 months to get the food fighter installed. So potential Lap-Banders ... be ready for that!
Another thing Lap-Band candidates must grasp. This Lap-Band contraption is nothing more than a tool. To be successful, you must find a diet plan your comfortable with and stick to it! Fact is, it will be a while after your surgery that you even feel the device working for you. In my case, it was at least 5 months of saline injections before I finally felt a small restriction. Even after 8 months, I still am not in the "green zone". My doctor and nutritionist discuss this every month at my check-in. And every month we're still tweaking it up a bit. It's all part of the process.
Bottom line readers ... If you're trying to lose weight, it's gonna take commitment and time. I have read many blogs of newbie lap-band patients that are disappointed in their results. But if you read between the lines it's always the same. They got the surgery and they are sitting on their collective fat asses waiting for the pounds to melt away. Sorry. That just ain't gonna happen!
Going into month 9, I am bouncing around the 70 pound loss number. I did it by carefully watching my calorie intake of both food and alcohol. I have gotten more active. Do I work out? Yes, but I ain't killing myself doing it. After all, my original goal was just to fit back into my Level 3 pants. I was never trying to qualify for the Olympics.
I will get back to you when I am firmly under that 70 mark. Should be real soon!
Johnny
Monday, July 15, 2013
Welcome back! Are you ready for your weekly beefy brief from your pudgy pundit? Ready or not, here comes another rant for the rotund.
Let's start with a recap of the just past 4th of July holiday weekend. I will say it was a definite challenge! The old Johnny would have gained at least 5 pounds by feasting on ribs, burgers, fatty salads and sugary desserts during this fat-a-topia. I would have also had my Jimmy Buffet margarita maker working overtime rendering the frozen concoction that helps me hang on. Sunny summer holidays are the perfect excuse for gluttony of both food and drink. The good news is the New and Improved Johnny made it safely through this fat fest and actually lost 1-1/2 pounds. Whew!
Let's get on with the NSV's. While a weekly weight loss is the ultimate goal, there are also other rotund rewards along the journey that are a by product of the weight loss. We call 'em Non Scale Victories. Hence the NSV. This comes from the fat ass secret code book. (Don't tell anyone I let you in on it.)
I have had a few NSV's since I started my juggily journey. Mostly of the clothes variety. If we flashback to the day I got off the plane from Florida in early April, we will recall I was about 1 biscuit away from invoking my Level 3 emergency clothes protocol. That would have meant wearing only sweat pants and a moo moo. In other words, I was out of any wardrobe that I could wear out in public. Mercifully, I started my own pre-op - pre-op diet. My doctor wanted me to wait, but I didn't have an option. It worked. I was safely in my Level 2 fat wardrobe in a couple of weeks. I could work with this limited collection, so emergency averted. NSV number 1.
In a couple more weeks, I found that my normal wardrobe (Level 1) was beginning to fit again. I was no longer gasping for air while wearing a tie and the threat of a sudden injury caused by a flying button from my pants had receded. I also found my golf shorts and casual shirts were no longer making me look like a stuffed sausage. I could feel the difference. NSV number 2.
Then around the end of May, people started noticing that my fleshy face was starting to look smaller. I had a couple flabby friends ask me what me secret was. This made me take a good look at myself in the mirror. Wow! I could see the difference. I guess I was in a kind of fat fog and didn't pay attention. My body was changing. The good way this time. Another NSV.
But I now I'm dealing with a couple unexpected consequences. Firstly, my golf swing has gone to hell. After 30 years of playing this stupid game, it's like I never swung a club before. My new, smaller body has really messed up my timing. Secondly, after 3 months of dieting and a loss of 38.5 pounds, my spiffy Level 1 wardrobe is starting to look huge on me. Seriously, I'm dressing up in my best stuff and it looks like I shop at Hobo Junction. People that don't know me are probably thinking my clothes are donated and I'm homeless. But I'm not complaining! These are GOOD problems.
I knew the time for an intermediate wardrobe was coming. It kinda snuck up on me. I think I have another couple weeks at most with Level 1. Then it's on to the Marshall's and Steinmarts. I just need some cheap clothes to get me through to my final landing weight. Then I'll start the real restocking.
So if you see a svelter looking guy in over sized clothing walking around, don't feel bad for him. It's either me or dieting hobo.
Talk soon!
Johnny
reprinted from my blog: TheDeconstructionOfJohnny.blogspot.com
Come and visit!
Yep, the Big 4-0! As much as I wish that was my current age, alas it is not. That ship sailed many moons ago, some where around George Bush 1 (The old guy). But it is the number of unsightly pounds that I have shredded since I began this journey on April 9th. My deconstruction has been in full swing for 15 weeks. If we look back to my first appointment in January, I have been fully encompassed with this project for 7 plus months, over half a year. Time does fly.
Let's talk about what 40 pounds really is.
A 15 foot canoe weighs 40 pounds. FYI - My old ass would never fit in a canoe. The kids at camp always made me go in the big boat.
An average 3 year old child and a full size Soft Coated Wheaton Terrier each weigh 40 pounds. In case you're wondering, I did check. A strange kid or a lost dog was not wedged in my butt crack.
An average full size human leg weighs 40 pounds. Really? I think one of my legs is the average weight of a full size human.
5 gallons of water weighs 40 pounds. Did you ever try to replace the big bottle on the water cooler? They're friggin heavy. It takes 2 skinny kids in my office to change it.
2 car tires weigh 40 pounds. Wow. I've been wearing two radials around my mid section. My goal is to lose a whole set of tires .... and the spare. Yikes.
4 ten pound bowling balls weigh 40 pounds. Try carrying those up and down the stairs a few times.
Need we go on? It's mind blowing to me that this much excess blubber was attached to my paltry frame. AND I'm not even half way done! I still gotta lose at least a kid and a Chihuahua to hit my goal.
Remember the guy who said " I treat my body like a temple." That obviously wasn't me. I've treated my body more like an all night diner. Attached to a liquor store. Years of binge eating, binge drinking and party chasing have come back to haunt me. There's always a price to pay. Reminds me of that 70s era bumper sticker: "Gas, Grass or ass, nobody rides for free."
The good news is that I should hit the half way mark to my goal some time next week. If I average losing 1-1/2 pounds per week I should hit goal near the end of January. In the mean time, if your missing a kid or a Labrador Retriever, I'll bend over and give you look in my handy lost & found area.
Chow Chow!
Johnny
P.S. I see Dr. X Monday for another fill. I'm guessing he's going to take me up another 1.5 ccs. That will be a 30% closure on the band. Another new adventure.
Visit my blog at;
TheDeconstructionOfJohnny.blogspot.com
Happy Independence Day to all my American followers! Ah, another holiday brimming with awesome BBQs, cold beer and delectable desserts. A regular fat ass nightmare. And it's on a Thursday. Which means 4 days of ducking and dodging hot dogs, hamburgers, fries and ice cream. Not to mention Al. C. Hall. (That's alcohol for you new readers.) He's always the first to be invited to every party. After all, a party without Al is really more of a church meeting. I will have to be extra cautious this week. We can't have Johnny taking a dive off the food truck. (That's the fat ass version of the wagon.)
Today's rant answers the "when did you know" question. I have touched on this in the past, but maybe you're ready for a clearer understanding. For years now, I have been asked "when did you first notice you were over weight"? It's on every medical history you fill out for any doctor and always asked by the over-active metabolism crowd.
Here's my best answer. Had I the capacity of cognitive thinking, I would have noticed at age 6 months or so when mom had to move me in to the "chubby baby" size diapers. Unfortunately I was too distracted at the time by the creepy stuffed bear that kept staring at me and that horrendous mobile thing constantly twirling above my head playing the same song over and over again. I was too traumatized to realize I was busting out of my skinny diapers. If only I could have read the "New Chubby Baby Size" blurb on the diaper box. Who knows? Maybe I would have started on low cal Gerber's.
In blissful denial, I moved into my early childhood. We all know I had to wear man size cub scout pants with three feet cut off the legs. And yes, we know I was further traumatized when my ass knocked over the stacked milk cartons in grammar school. I talked about those incidents in earlier posts. But there were other signs that my blissful denial refused to let me see. As I grew older (and wider), I used to try on shirts with the "HUSKY" tag on the sleeve. I always got mad when they took the that tag off. I thought it was a cool logo. Like the alligator or the swoosh. I could never fit in the shirts with the little penguin. I should have known then I had an issue.
Another sign I should have picked up on was my inability to comfortably fit in the normal child desk provided to me by my school. Remember the desk with the attached chair with the top that hinged open forward? Every other kid had no problem lifting that lid and getting to their books and supplies. My expanding ass and belly prevented me from using this desk as designed. I had to carefully slide off the chair, open the lid and then carefully slide back in. In hindsight, I think I should have took the hint.
There were other signs that I ignored along my pudgy path. One of the last glowing signs I remember came when I went to join the pee wee football league. I showed up at the designated time with all the proper paperwork and was ready to start my football career. Unfortunately, there was a weigh in and I failed. I was rejected by the pee wee football team because I was too "husky". WTF? How can a guy be too fat to play football? Bottom line is they were afraid I would smush the little kids when I jumped on the tackle pile. I ended up playing for a fat ass kid's league three towns over. Another hint missed.
I didn't just wake up one day and discover I had an elephant size ass and a hippo's stomach. I've know since my bottle sucking days that I was well above average in the girth department. Obviously I should have started getting serious about weight loss then. I may have been able to avoid going to Uncle Vito's Big & Tall for my prom tuxedo.
See ya soon.
P.S My official Fitbit scale says I have dropped 35 pounds of blubber since April 9th. 50 more to go.
Reprinted from my blog. Stop on by for a chuckle.
http://thedeconstruc...y.blogspot.com/
Whew! I just got back from my third road trip in the past few weeks. I know I haven't been keeping you in the loop. I've been busy! I told you I was going to be gallivanting around the country. So I hope you'll forgive my tardiness. I have certainly felt the wrath of some of our more ardent followers. Believe it or not, there are few fatty fans out there who just can't live without this blathering blog. One or two are even a bit stalk-ish.
(Note to FeelingFatInFinland: Yes, I got your e-mail. No, I won't send you a photo of my bare ass with all the stretch marks connected in red marker. I can't reach that far. Besides, if you really need to see something like that, a detailed road map of Cincinnati would probably do the trick.)
(Note 2 to BiggunInBoston: The answers to your questions in order are: Yes, No, Three at a time, On my head, NEVER!, Boomerang, Oink oink baby and jelly.)
That takes care of this weeks fan mail. I will share more in the future.
OK, now to the news. As previously stated I have been on three roads trips in the last 3 weeks. Staying on my self prescribed 1200 calorie a day plan was difficult. Logging my food choices was not an option. Eating the right foods all the time was a struggle. Staying away from alcohol was impossible. The bad news is I gained about a pound and a half. But I think I 'll be able to dump that by Friday after a week of detoxing.
I'm not upset. I'm right where I expected to be. I mean really. I spent a few nights in the foodie paradise of New Orleans and then 5 nights partying at a golf tourney in Palm Beach. Honestly, I feel pretty much unscathed. I really did watch my food intake. I ate every meal out. So I tried to eat the right fruits and fishes where possible. I watched my portions. Other than a small binge on plain M&Ms that were mistakenly sent to my room, I avoided all sweets. Pretty much a home run.
Unfortunately, Johnny likes his booze. All flavors as a matter of fact. We all know that booze is a secret diet killer. The more you drink, the thinner you think. The thinner you think, the more you eat. It's a vicious circle. Clearly, Mr. Booze (or AL C. Hall as we know him) are the enemies of restraint. And I succumbed repeatedly to their liquor-i-ous offerings. Martinis, Cabernet's and Merlot. Greyhounds, Screwdrivers, Bloody Mari's and a frosty margarita. As a salute to the Olympics, I even sprinkled a few White Russians in for good measure. A regular cornucopia of adult beverages.
Hell, I get it! It's back on the ol' wagon for me today. I'm tracking my food, I'm off the sauce and I might even try to get in a workout or two. I'm leaving for the Valley of the Sun in 3 weeks and 4 days. I'm planning on being under 180 when I get on that plane. SO let's do this. Phase 2 of the Deconstruction of Johnny has begun! I have about 28 more pounds to lose by May 2015 according to Dr. X. I might as well start now.
BTW... I saw Dr. X before I left for Florida. I'll update you on that next time.
Soooo long for now.
Johnny
FAT FANS! Send your questions and comments to:
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I will answer any questions and read all comments. Who knows, you might even make the blog!
It's been 6 weeks since the insertion of the miracle flab fighter in my mid-section. My loyal readers know that the procedure and recuperation were a piece of cake ... oops, make that a sugar free pudding. The journey so far has been eventful and very successful. But it hasn't been easy.
I find myself a bit taken aback when I hear some high metabolism individual comment on how people that elect do to the Lap-Band are taking the "easy way out". I really started noticing it when the news of the rotund Governor Christie hit the media. Several TV talking heads decided he had the "easy way out" procedure to prepare a run for the White House. I have no idea whether Christie is running or not. Since he is a public figure, the media certainly has a right to comment on his political future. But I draw the line when they call this surgery the "easy way out." I've actually heard others make similar comments as well and it irks the H-E double hockey sticks out of me. A major weight loss undertaking is anything BUT easy, regardless of which path you choose to achieve your goal. So phooey on anyone who doesn't grasp the commitment of the motivated chubster looking to change his or her life.
I had my first monthly check up with the venerable Dr. X this past Monday. He gave me a routine vitals check and then proceeded to give me my first "fill". I laid down and he expertly poked a syringe of 1.5cc's of saline through my skin and directly into the Lap Band port. It took about 2 seconds and the pain was minimal. No biggie. Before he left the room he told me that after the fill, some patients can't eat in the morning or can't get certain foods through the band. I had no issues at all. Fact is, he put 1.5cc's in my 10cc band. I have noticed no additional restriction at all. As you all know, I pretty much haven't felt any restriction since the surgery. I got this far on my own. And no, it wasn't easy.
The Lap Band is just a tool to help you lose weight. Like using a crutch for a broken leg. You don't always need the crutch, but your leg won't heal properly if you don't use it correctly. I just read a story of a Bandster that found a way to cheat his band and gained a large amount of weight. I heard of a lady that had the more invasive stomach surgery, lost a ton of weight, then had the painful skin tightening surgery and then gained almost all her weight back. There are numerous stories like these. Ya can't just get weight loss surgery and sit there and wait for something to happen. If you do, you will fail.
It took me years to get my head in the right place to attempt this. That meant first getting it out of my over loaded backside long enough to see the light. I have to change the basic way I live my life. After 50+ years of self imposed bodily harm, that ain't easy. There are challenges and decisions to make almost every waking hour. Could I still start the day with a three egg ham 'n cheese omelet, hash browns well down, and a double order of bacon? Yup. Then go to lunch for a Portillo's chopped salad? No problem. Have a half bag of popcorn when I get home? Easy. Then have a full dinner and a touch of Ben & Jerry's? Yes and Yes! Could I still shove down most of a full size Tombstone pizza at the drop of hat? Probably. The Lap Band isn't stopping me. I'm stopping me.
I have made good progress since my adventure began. I will admit that just knowing the band is in me makes me think twice about anything that goes in the oral orifice located just beneath my nose. That's huge for me. The old me could eat or drink just about anything. I was the billy goat of fat asses. I made a decision to try and lose the weight of a small child. I knew it would be difficult. I knew it would be a challenge. I knew it it would take time. I also knew it wouldn't be easy.
More to come
jt
P.S. I got a cool new Fitbit scale that syncs with my Fitbit wristlet which syncs with the Fitbit app on my phone. Every time I step on that scale my weight is recorded on my app. It also tracks every step I take. It also has options for exercise and a food diary. I'll get to those ... eventually.
Stop by my blog.
TheDeconstructionOfJohnny.blogspot.com
A hearty hello to all our fat fanatics worldwide!
As another year comes to an end, I thought this would be an opportune time to do a little self reflecting. After all, it has been an interesting year for me to say the least.
But first, I realize I have been derelict in getting you timely updates on my current status. Quite frankly, I was reluctant to keep posting because I was afraid of what the holidays and my short vacation were going to do to me. Well, I have good news to report. I am down about 2 pounds from the day before Thanksgiving through New Year's Eve! I wanted to be 185 on Thanksgiving. That didn't quite work out. But I was 186.5 today. WHEW!
I am really pleased with this number. Why? Because I did an above normal amount of dinning out, family parties, traveling and, of course, the social drinking that comes along with it. I was very conscious of my food intake. When I dined out, I tried to order the right things, always protein. Save the sauces. At Thanksgiving, I loaded up on turkey and ham and passed on potatoes and gravies. On Christmas eve, I feasted on lobster, shrimp an calamari in red sauce. I only had a small mouthful of homemade lasagna to be polite. I also watched my drinking. You know I had to imbibe, so I drank my bourbon straight and my vodka on the rocks. I had a few excellent Cabernets. I even had two frosty beers. My first since March. All in all, I made it through the yearly bacchanal virtually unscathed. I consider this VICTORY. But I can only savor this achievement for a fleeting moment.
Year in review - PHEW! 2013 has been a whirlwind to say the least.
1) My first appointment with Dr. X on a blustery January Monday
2) My first lap band support group meeting
3) My first ever visit to a shrink
4) My conversations with Rajeeve
5) My 14 day pre-op diet
6) My surgery
7) My first unauthorized cocktail
The list goes on. Suffice to say, last year was a life changer for me. I sit before you today 68 pounds lighter than then the guy that wrote to you in April. That's whole lotta fatass folks.
2014 Resolutions - I have big news for you on this front. I saw Dr. X for my monthly tune up right before Christmas. After he gave me another 1/2 c.c injection, I offhandedly remarked that I wanted to lose about another 20 pounds to get me under my goal of 169. He immediately whipped a calculator out of his staff coat and started doing some ciphering. By way of some secret bariatric calculation, he tells my he wants be to be at 150 pounds! I was FLOORED.
ME: "150 pounds? Are you serious? I mean I haven't weighed 150 pounds since 6th grade!"
Dr. X: " I'm working from a BMI index. A 28.5 BMI is healthy, but a 25 BMI is golden! That puts you at 150 pounds."
ME: "Is that 150 pounds here on the fat ass scale or 150 pounds in the morning naked on my home scale?"
Dr. X: "I'll take the 150 on your scale."
So I got that going for me.
Then he asks me, "When did you have your surgery?"
"May 15" I told him.
"You haven't even been doing this a year! This is a TWO year project.'
You could have knocked me over with a wet noodle. This whole time I was working on a ONE year time table. I was hoping to get to my goal in April. But our dear doctor just tagged on another 19 pounds of weight loss! At 2 pounds per month, that's about a year more. So I guess his math is correct.
"You are doing great. You can do this and I will help you get there." he told me.
Comforting words did little to ease my shock.
But then I started thinking. What's changed? Really nothing. I have learned a new way of eating. I am watching my portions and I'm cutting as many empty calories as possible. So I have to keep counting my calories for another year. So what. I can do it.
Can I really get to 150 pounds? Do I really want to be 150 pounds? I really don't know. I do know I have a ways to go to get rid of some excess ass and gut fat. I also know I don't want to be the weakling that gets sand kicked in his face at the beach. So when it comes to my new goal. I guess I'll know it when I feel it.
I'll try and be more prompt with the next update. Until then ... Remember
YOU CAN'T BE TOO RICH OR TOO THIN!
It is said that a journey of 1000 miles begins with the first step. I began my journey on April 9, 2013. That's the day it finally hit me. I was sitting on a plane. I was an Oreo away from the ultra-embarrassing plea for the belt extender. I could barely fit in the last of my emergency wardrobe. I was tired. Tired of trying to accommodate my fat life style. Because that's what you do. You accommodate your fatness. I just couldn't go on like this. I was ready for a change. I was already through all my hoops for the Lap Band surgery. I was in limbo waiting for my insurance company to green light me. But I couldn’t wait any longer. I decided .. that minute.. that tomorrow I would start my quest for Thindom.
Thindom is a mystical place. It’s the fat ass version of Vallhalla, Atlantis and the Lost City of Gold all rolled up in to one. For a fat person, Thindom is a legend. It is a utopian place that the over -girthed can only dream about. No fat ass has ever been to Thindom and come back to talk about it. Many expanded explorers have tried, but all have failed. It is said that those that enter Thindom, are blessed with a new life filled with hope and joy. Everyone smiles and beams with optimism. It is a place where one size really does fit all. It’s heaven for the hefty.
But beware you of fatness! The trail to Thindom is wrought with danger. There are obstacles at every turn. Unknown creatures and mythical beings lurk in the shadows; their only goal is your defeat. To get to Thindom, you must soldier through these adversities. You must plan your adventure carefully. And you can NEVER look back. You can NEVER give up. There is no yellow brick road. There is only nachos and cheese.
I have made it half way to Thindom. I’m currently navigating my way through the evil forest of fat. I can see the magical mountains of Munchies in the distance. Once I cross their jagged peaks, I hope to spy the valley of Thindom. I know it is there. I can feel it.
Alas, my journey has had its ups and downs. I have danced with the Devil. I have succumbed to the liquid offerings of Al C. Hall. I have fought the beautiful temptress and her sultry offers of cheeseburger and fries. I have dueled with the Duke of Doughnuts. Yes friends, there have been pitfalls. But every time I fell, I got up. The demons in my mind have not deterred me from goal.
I have managed to shed 45 pounds of unsightly blubber. I have 41 to go to hit my goal. If my present pace continues, I will have a 1 in the front of my weight in a few weeks for the first time since Reagan was president. Yes, I know. The road to Thindom gets harder as you get closer to the gate. I hope it’s not just fat ass folklore. When I get there, I will try to contact you from the other side. I wonder if Thindom has wi-fi?
Until we meet again….
Johnny T
Please visit my blog:
TheDeconstructionOfJohnny.blogspot.com
Reprinted from my blog:
TheDeconstructionofJohnny.blogspot.com
Welcome back to my ever-growing throng of readers! It's great to see that so many folks have been loyally following my mission to fizzle my fat. I am more amazed every week when we get visitors from countries all over the world. I don't know what's more amazing, this Internet thing that I thought would never catch on, or the fact that so many different cultures could possibly embrace one fat ass's life long weight struggle. Whatever the case, I'm glad you're here. Especially, this week. I'm imminently facing my second dance with Devil. So get your pencils and scorecards ready.
Here's the 4-1-1 on my second dalliance with my old nemesis, The Beelzabub of Blubber himself. I have been faithfully on the old wagon, shying away from most "regular people" food, adult beverages and other forms of MANtertainment since April 9. So here comes my first big challenge. Starting this evening, my guest hits town for our annual golf tournament. This will be my 20th consecutive year of participation and is always the first thing to go on my calender. Besides 3 days of awesome golf, two wonderful social functions are attached to this event. The next few days will be filled with with everything "real men" long for .... Golf, drinking, smoking, gambling, dirty jokes and funny body noises. Yep.... Even your tight ass husband will let loose and revel in this form of legal debauchery. He can't help it. It's a pack mentality. Part of our code.
So you can see, the temptations will be coming at me from all angles. And just so we have no misunderstandings, I will be breaking my new rules and let loose a little bit. This has been planned and part of my year long goals. I need to be able to go to a function like this and not gain five pounds in three days. So immediate goal #1, be the same weight on Monday. That goal will be on the forefront of my mind as I say YES to a martini, NO to a hot dog, YES to Cuba Libre', NO to cheeseburger, YES to pinot noir and NO to a frosty sundae. I WILL have a couple of libations! I WON'T eat like my old self. That guy ain't here no more.
Yes, I have had one battle with the beast previously. It's duly noted that I lost the day but I did manage to keep the score down. And let the record show that I LOST weight that week. I didn't fall off the wagon entirely, I just kinda hung on the side. So that's immediate goal # 2. Don't fall completely off the wagon. I look at this as being in training for my new life. It's not in my nature to hide away like a hermit. So if I am to return to the real world some day, I need to be ready. These types of events, outings and get togethers are preparing me for the future ... kinda like fat college.
That's it for now. You need to check back early next week and find out who wins this battle. If my weight is the same on Monday as it is today I win! If not, it's another loss to the evil Prince of Plump.
See ya!
PS..... I'm down 33 1/2 pounds since April 9th. I get the first fill on Monday.
YOU CAN FOLLOW ME ON MY BLOG at:
TheDeconstructionofJohnny.blogspot.com
Whew! It was truly a whirlwind weekend. Since last Thursday morning, I've crammed in 4-1/2 rounds of golf, 2 parties, 1 dinner in the city and Game 5 of the Stanley Cup playoffs. From a normal guy's perspective I would say this would be in the running for the ultimate weekend competition if there was such a thing. From a fat ass dieter's eye view, this was a weekend full of challenges and temptations. The Devil and his sinister sidekick Al C. Hall were lurking around every corner waiting to pull my into a downward spiral. But this morning I find myself sober, satiated and reinvigorated. But it was no cake walk!
The Good - My eating choices for this four day fun binge were spot on! I took my Muscle Milk Light to the club and drank it over ice for breakfast. Yep, I'm slowly drinking this fake chocolate milk while watching 50 other guys load up on pancakes, omelettes, a full assortment of breakfast meats, home fries, pastry and danish and all kinds of toasted breads. Challenge, yes. But I beat the odds despite the wafting smell of crisp bacon. The lunches were more of the same. A full spread of cheeseburgers, hot dogs, brats and sausages were laid out in several different places. And let's not forget the chips, cookies and other deserts. And there was a giant trailer with free draft beer. I was in fat ass paradise and couldn't enjoy the show. I sparingly ate a chicken breast, a cup full of chicken salad and some watermelon slices. During the golf, I ate a few melted protein bars to keep my stomach from growling. At the parties and dinner downtown, I slowly feasted on small bites of salmon and sashimi, a slice of turkey and a few small shrimp, while my fellow diners were scoffing down famous Chicago steaks perfectly pink on the inside and charred to perfection on the outside.
The Bad - I was expecting a cordial reunion with my old friend Al C. Hall. (That's alcohol for you new readers.) It didn't take long for old Al to show up to the party. I decided it was time to have a nip during our first round of golf. Since I was determined to stay away from beer, I had to use a little ingenuity at the half way house. Of course, I would stay away from all juices, sugary drinks and carbonated beverages. But if I started drinking straight vodka at 2 in the afternoon, I was guaranteed to be blotto by the back nine. So I invented a new cocktail. Vodka and Vitamin Water Orange. BRILLIANT! Vodka over ice and add the VW as needed. This helped me nurse the one drink while others were having several more. I was imbibing with my buddies but not falling all the way off the wagon. I had a couple more at the opening dinner party but stopped early due to my ride home. All in all, a good plan for a bad vice .
The Ugly - I can honestly report to you that I won the weekend food battle. I looked the Lucifer of Lard straight in the eye and he blinked first. However, his evil counter part, The Vetis of Vodka eventually got the best of me. It started with a four hour rain delay between matches on Friday and ended with tumble down a few steps while excitedly leaving the hockey game. Since I was being chauffeured to the game and back to house afterwards, I didn't pay any attention to to the number of Geese I downed. I ended up killing the whole flock. Saturday dinner consisted of a bread stick, cottage cheese and a few bites of under cooked salmon. But I washed it down with a couple of Gibsons with devilishly delicious cocktail onions. A couple more at the game with soda and I was as pickled as the onions. The final straw was my pal's idea to have one last double before the bar closed for the last period. That's probably the one that made me miss that last step and hit the floor.
I had two goals for the weekend. One of which was not to fall completely off the wagon. You may disagree, but I feel I held it in check pretty good. My other goal was to weigh the same today as I did last Thursday morning. And I do. Victory is mine. So get your scorecards out and give this one to Johnny.
I am now refocused on good eating and no drinking for a few more weeks. I have another holiday weekend and another golf tournament in the next month to deal with. That means more trouble from you know who. Could a surprise visit from Al C. Hall be far behind? If he does rear his ugly head, I hope there are no stairs around.
I'm off to get my first fill today from Dr. X!
Talk soon!
jt
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TheDeconstructionofJohnny.blogspot.com
Welcome back all you fat ass fanatics!
The blog is picking up a little steam. We have over 7,000 visitors from points across the globe. Invite your family and friends to join in this fat ass fun fair! We have room for all. Also, if you know of anybody currently struggling with fat-ass-i-tit-is or considering weight loss surgery, have them stop by as well. I'm proud to say that my story so far, wacky as it may be, has actually motivated others to start their own flab fight. Hey, if I can help one person lose one pound, that will be far more than I ever expected to do with a corny weight loss blog. So "CHEERS" to all you new wobbly warriors!
On to this weeks observations. Let's start with wight loss vs. waist size. I have noticed that these two do not appear at the same time. During any given week, I may struggle to show a weight loss on the scale. This PO's me something fierce. Then I put on a pair of new pants and they are too big. I'm perplexed. I didn't lose any poundage yet my pants are looser. Hmmm. And the vice-versa is also true. I can't fit into a new pair of shorts I bought, but I'm losing weight this week. It just never happens on the same day. But I ain't bitchin! It will all work out in the end. The rear end.
I've also been playing with numbers in my head. I wanted to share a few with you.
0- The number / amount of any of my everyday Level 1 wardrobe that fits. I can only wear my old ties.
1- The number that will be in front of my weight in a couple of weeks for the first time since the 80's.
3- The number of new pants I have that kind of fit.
5- The number of days I have had vodka since April 9. Personal record.
6- The number of inches I have removed from my waistline. Note: I didn't even know I had a waist. Or a neck for that matter.
40.63 - The number of miles I walked last week. A few rounds of golf and a couple airports trips really adds up.
50- The number of pounds lost I will be at in a matter of days.
97,011 - The number of my steps in 40.63 miles.
20,159 - The number of calories I burned last week
(7,173) - The differential of calories in vs, calories out. According to my friend Dr. S, this should have resulted in about 2-1/2 lb weight loss. Guess what? It did.
That's just a quick look at the friendly numbers of my journey so far. I think it's pretty good for only 4-1/2 months of calorie counting. I'm pleased. I know I can't get overconfident. I've already noticed every pound comes off slower than before. I guess my body is adjusting to the new lower fuel intake. That probably means I have to ramp up the calorie burning process. And I hate the "W" word. W as is workout. I know it's part of the process and I'm determined to accelerate my activity level and defeat my inner lazybug. Maybe I'll start tomorrow. Or maybe not.
Weigh-in day next Monday and a fill from Dr. X! I will certainly be irritated if I don't hit the 50 level by then. You'll have to come back and see.
Bye now!
Johnny
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Hello all.
I haven't been back to ya'll for a while because, well, I really haven't got much to report. A couple weeks ago I announced to the world that I was 10 paltry pounds away from my original goal of 169. However, I have had a little movement. After plateauing yet again, I sit here today down another 1-1/2 pounds. That puts me 8-1/2 pounds away kids. Painfully close ... yet so far away. These last few pounds are falling off at a glacial pace. Which means really, really slow!
I had hoped I would get to that magical number by May 15. But that ain't going to happen. My body is fighting me to keep it's precious blubber. I think my brain really misses my ass and is no hurry to detach itself from my remaining flab. This new body thing is quite shocking for all of us. All of us meaning my brain and all the different voices living in there. It is very hard to adjust to the radical changes I have made in my life. Healthier eating habits, exercise and severely limiting my social booze intake. My liver is probably the happiest. In fact, it notified me it wanted to have a small get together with a few of my other organs to celebrate their new lease on life. I would invite you but it will be a lame party. Mr. Liver, Mr. Pancreas and their cohorts are strictly teetotalers. They are also not much into lively conversation.
As told to you before, I have decided to just keep doing what I'm doing all through the end of the year. Stay around 1200-1400 calories a day, moderate exercise routine and limited social drinking. I suppose I could try some type of radical cleanse diet and make that May 15th date. But what will that accomplish? I am losing weight the right way. Slow and steady. I think I should stay the course. My metabolic system is so shocked now, I don't think it can handle another curve ball.
The other side of that debate is that maybe I should try and fool my body and give myself a good kick in the butt to get my metabolism started again. Kinda like when they tell you to change your weight lifting routine to confuse your muscles. I don't know. Seems complicated to me. I'm the only fool that will end up being confused. And still at the same weight. So it could be an exercise in futility.
I am quickly coming to the realization that these last pounds are going to be a bee-atch to lose. I'm really not in a hurry. But I am impatient. I guess that's a bit of a contradiction. But it is what it is. I want to get to that goal and I want to do it now. But I can wait.
I'll hit ya back soon!
JT
HI ALL! I missed you while the site was down. Catch up on my trip to Vegas and other antics on my blog:
www.Thedecontructionofjohnny.blogspot.com
In the meantime, here's my latest post.
Hello again everybody! It's time for your favorite periodic pudgy press conference. I did alert all of the major media outlets. But it seems they had more pressing obligations. Go figure. I'm flabbergasted that they don't think this is breaking news. I bet if I got a pit bull to bite me in the ass I'd be all over the 5 o'clock news.
Let's talk about my weight loss for the past week. (Buzzer sound here.) That sound means I have nothing to report. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Same weight, almost to the ounce, as last Monday. While it's true I busted the 190 mark and hit the elusive 189, it is here that I am stuck. Mired in melancholy. My previously reported frustration with my temperamental metabolism is rearing it's ugly head once more. It's very disheartening to get on that scale really feeling pumped for a loss, only to have that electronic bastard spew it's bad news. I'm going to fling that thing out the window some day. I have never had such a love / hate relationship with an inanimate object before. I once had a putter that crossed me the wrong way and I sent it to a watery grave in a small water hazard. This fancy Fitbit scale only has so many lives.
The no news is the lack of weight loss. The bad news is I probably won't hit the goal I set for myself of 186 by the day before Thanksgiving. Seeing that is only 8 days away, it will take an act of the fat gods for me to make it. The other salty news is that this plateauing is messing up my math. I need to lose at least 20 more pounds. When I was at the 1-1/2 pound per week pace, I had the goal date of March 1. One pound per week puts me out to mid April. If I fall below that, I guess we're talking May.
I'm doing my part. I'm staying on my 1200ish calories a day plan. I'm limiting my drinking to special occasions. Now I'm stepping up my workouts to 4-5 days a week. I have actually been doing sprints in the middle of my treadmill walks to boost my metabolism. I am working some with weights. I say "working" because my loss of muscle really makes "lifting" hard. These increased workouts have come at great expense to my aging and abused body. I had bad eyes, bad shoulders and creaky knees going into this thing. We can now add bad feet and sore hips to the hit parade.
The good news is I'm not giving up. I have a few hurdles here to overcome in the short term, namely Thanksgiving, Palm Beach , birthday, Christmas, New Years Eve, New Orleans, Palm Beach and Scottsdale. My loyal readers will remember that this was the schedule last year that made me bust out of my pants. Well, not this year sports fans. By hook or by crook I will be under my goal by my Bandiversary. May 15, 2014. In the meantime, let's all pray to the god of fatness, Plumpurius, to guide us to the promised land.
Bye now!
JT
Weds, June 12
Hello again loyal Bloggins, Johnny fans and fellow Bandsters! It's been about a week since we chatted so I thought I'd let you know how it's going on The World According to Johnny. I gotta say ... pretty damn good!
It's been 4 weeks today since the capable Dr. X installed the anti-eating apparatus in my oh so blubbery mid-section. As advertised by the Doc and his staff, I feel completely healed and am suffering no side effects what-so-ever. Other than this strange hankerin' for a trash bag full of Fritos I can't seem to shake, life has settled in to my new normal. Yes, NEW normal.
I have totally embraced my band and what it stands for. That is commitment. It is just so crystal clear to me that inserting a medical device inside your body is the last, desperate measure a fat person can take. And why take this drastic step if you are not going to change your life? Well, so far, I have changed my life. Dramatically. I have not yet had my band filled which means it's wide open. I think I could pretty much get anything down the ol' yapper that I wanted and not have a stuck episode. But just knowing "Bandy" is in there, keeps me on the straight and narrow. Yep. I've changed. Hopefully for ever.
Although not required, I still start my day with the protein shake blended with a little ice. It's just like a milk shake and I like it! I have recently started adding a tablespoon of low sugar peanut butter to the chocolate flavored shakes and it's delish! So no more big breakfasts or even breakfasts that I thought were healthy for me. I'm sticking with these shakes whenever possible. Lunch has turned into a 240 calorie tuna snack lunch or a low fat soup. No more fast food, deli or 3 martini lunches for this fat ass!Dinner has consisted of ground up beef or turkey with a bit of flavoring, cooked veggies and some watermelon. And I'm good with it! It does help that wife wife L is a fine chef and makes even a mundane dish rival a nice dinner out. Add in my snacks of yogurt, sugar free puddin' and a night cap Fudgie bar, I'm feeling real satisfied. I am actually blown away that this is working.
Am I losing weight? You betcha! 30 unsightly pounds of extra mass have evaporated from my roly poly body. That's 2 bowling balls of F-A-T! Let that sink in.
Am I on target? You betcha! I was told to expect to lose 1.5 pounds a week after surgery. I'm exactly at that figure. If I can keep that pace up, I'll hit my 8th grade weight by October. Hey, there's another goal!
Do I have any pain? Nope.
Most importantly, can I play golf? Yep. 3 rounds last week alone.
So all in all, I am right where I should be. On the path to success!
As rosy as it all appears, there are a few bummers. I'm a party guy. As explained in detail in previous posts, I excel at eating, drinking and merrymaking. My history is legendary. And I if I could remember it, it would make quite a book. This No Fun Johnny is, well, no fun. I am making healthy decisions daily when comes to food and booze. That includes avoiding almost all situations that include the Devils temptresses. So far I have declined offers to at least 2 BBQs, 2 parties and a wedding. Yep. No fun at all. But this is the new normal. Am I embracing the No Fun Johnny? Nope.
Check back soon!
First band fill on Monday. Then we have to talk about the dreaded "W" word.
Floow along on my blog:
Thedeconstructionofjohnny.blogspot.com
I need to get ya'll up to date. I have been a bit behind my updates due to a busy schedule. Last week's busy-ness included another 3 day golf event and a lengthy visit from Al. C. Hall. As always, there is good and bad news to report. On the bright side, I really made good food choices and my personal technology says I walked 21.36 miles and burned 9711 calories during this 3 day period. However, I did enjoy more than several adult beverages and succumbed to a few bar snacks. Unfortunately, I think these transgressions shortened my weekly weight loss. But I'm back up on the horse and ready to get going again.Now I want to share a little tidbit of information I casually picked from a doctor acquaintance of mine. After a laid back round of Sunday couples golf, our group headed off for a mid day meal. Conversation soon turned to my quest to be less fat. I explained to the good doctor my calorie counting strategy and my progress so far. She then dropped a fun fact on me that really hit home. The affable Dr. S contends that you need to burn 3000 more calories for the week than you take in to lose 1 pound. Simple genius! Not only is this easy is to understand for my neanderthal intelligence level, it's also a number. A number than can be used in a math equation to help me better understand what exactly I'm doing here. Fact is, I have been really concentrating on what's going in the ol' pie hole. I really haven't thought about the going out process. I suppose I have typical fat ass thinking. Eat less. Lose weight. Is it that simple? Kinda. But there's more to it.
I have embraced technology to help me find Slim Street. I have 2 items that I now find essential for me to finish the filleting of my fat. First, the MyFitnessPal app (MFP). I use the daily food diary to keep track of every morsel that goes in my massive yapper. If I can't find exactly what I ate in the index, I err on the high side. My second technological necessity is my FitBit Flex. Don't ask me how, but this little peanut size device records every step I take and figures my daily calorie burn. This miniature device syncs with the FitBit app on my phone which syncs with my FitBit scale which syncs with the MyFitnessPal app. I have all the data crunching tech I need.
But I needed the numbers to make sense to me. And Dr. S's simple equation is helping me do that.
Let's do the math! Time to brush up on your a-fat-ma-tic. I have chosen a 1200 calorie a day diet plan. That would be 8400 calories in per week. Dr. S's tip mandates that I burn 12,900 (3000 + 1500 =4500) per week to lose 1-1/2 pounds. Divided by 7, that's 1842 calories per day! Now... Let's recall what Trainer L told me during my pre-op exercise visit. She said my body burns 1650 calories a day with just normal activity. That means I only have to burn an extra 200 calories a day to lose the 1-1/2 pounds. Simple math for a simple mind.
It's starting to dawn on me that I can burn more than 12,900 calories a week, especially in the summer. Heck, last week I burned 19,800 calories according to my FitBit. The MFP app has another nice feature. When you're done logging your calories for the day, it will calculate burn and show you what you will weigh in 5 weeks if every day was like today. So far, it's been right on target. It's telling me that I will lose another 10 pounds by the end of August. Awesome news.
So take it from me. Do your math and embrace your technology. I'm no Bill Gates when it comes to these fancy gadgets and I surly ain't no math wizard. But I will embrace anything that will help me finish my fight against flab. And guess what? There's an app for that.
More to come....
Johnny
If you want a good laugh, start at the beginning of my blog and see what I went through to have the LB installed!
TheDeconstructionOfJohnny.blogspot.com
Hello world. I'm back again with another update. I hope this post's title didn't confuse you. I promise it will make perfect sense by the end of this enthralling read. So you're just gonna have to wait a bit. And of course, read today's entire rant.
First... Next week will be one year since I wrote my first blog entry. Today's column will be my 54th attempt at keeping you updated on my weight loss journey. That's about once a week. I hope it's enough for you. I know it is for me! In the past year, we have had over 18,000 people view the different pages of my moronic musings. It still amazes me that so many people, from all parts of the globe, want to spend a small part of their day keeping up on my fat fight. Obviously, the majority of my readers come from the U.S. But the top five other foreign readers are from, in order, Latvia, France, Russia and Canada. Yup! My second most loyal followers are from Latvia. The Latvians just can't seem to get enough. Maybe I have the "kevorka" like Kramer on Seinfeld. However, I will not be bathing in garlic to break the spell.
Now the big news of week. I had my monthly check up with Dr. X and staff at the Center for Fat-ass-i-ness last week. The news was once again, very good! I lost another 5.5 pounds since late December. That means I have officially eclipsed the 70 pound loss mark! Yippee! Think about that. Seventy pounds. That's a whole lotta ass and blubber.
I'll bet you didn't know that the following menagerie of items weighs about 70 pounds:
-187 bananas. A full years supply for a large silverback gorilla.
- An average sheet of drywall. That's about 8 foot tall and 5 feet wide. Yup, the size of my old ass.
- $34,019 U.S. dollar bills. Stuff 100 bills in each of your pockets. Now times that by 17 in each. Whew.
- 100 cans of beer. That's 8-1/2 cases of tin and liquid. Think about drinking a twelever in a night out.
- A bag of concrete.
-12-1/2 red bricks. Use the concrete and you could build a small wall.
- 300 apples, 7 large bags of flour and 300 sticks of butter EACH weigh 70 pounds. Sounds like pie ingredients for a small village.
- 5 high performance bicycles. I got nothing here. I haven't ridden a pedal bike since 1975.
- 37,500 plain M&Ms. This is disturbing. These chocolaty delights were a go-to for the former me. I betcha I fired down a couple thousand at least once during a food bender.
- 5 extra large hams. Who here hasn't eaten a whole ham? C'mon don't lie.
- Some reports have the semi-famous Nicole Ritchie checking in at 70 pounds these days.
Of course, I'd be remiss if we didn't check back with the family. If you recall, at 50 pounds our average boy was 7 years old and had a medium sized terrier. At 70 pounds, our boy is now 11 and the family canine is now an average Alaskan Husky. My ass is shrinking but the family continues to grow.
It's been almost 11 months since I started this quest. It has taken a lot of focus and so far the rewards are uplifting. Seventy pounds is a LOT of weight. Hard to believe I have pooped out the equivalent of a 6th grader or a sled dog. Not to mention a minor celebrity.
.
Catch up soon!
JT
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I will answer all you're questions and, who knows, you're pithy comments might make the blog!
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Thedeconstructionofjohnny.blogspot.com
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