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My journey

A blog by colorado_chick

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Every step along the way.

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All By Myself

I lost 6 pounds in August. All by myself! I did have a fill, but i don't notice any difference ... so that means the 6 pounds I lost this month were all on my own! I am so happy. This really motivates me because if I can lose six pounds all by myself, imagine how much I will lose with my next fill ... maybe 8 pounds! I can't believe I'm losing weight. And I can't believe how happy I am.

August 31, 2013

1

Half Way There!

I've lost 40 pounds since surgery in July 2013. My goal is to lose 80, so that makes me half way there! Woo hoo!!! I am thrilled with my progress. I truly am ... But I still don't look any different!! How can that be? I know it's not just me ... no one has said a WORD about my weight loss. Well, two people at work said "you look good". But ... that could have been anything. I finally reached my mini goal of 175. For being 5'5, I think that is a reasonable "overweight" weight. It's not obese. I'll take that. I feel that from this point on all of weight loss will be noticeable and is getting me closer to the next major benchmark of 150 pounds. So, hooray me for losing 40 pounds. Boo to everyone who hasn't noticed. Hooray that I'm one full clothing size smaller. Boo to not really looking different.

March 15, 2014

1

Still no restriction!

I had my third fill a few days ago. No difference still. I can't even tell I have a lap band. I think about food all the time, I'm hungry all the time, and I can still eat large portions (although I try really really hard not to). I wonder if I have failed this, too. Getting lap band surgery was my last option. Now what do I do? On the bright side I have lost about 20 pounds since getting the lap band. That's good. But I haven lost any weight for a while and the fills don't seem to help. I guess I'll call the PA and see if I can get another fill and see if that helps. I can't believe how discouraged I am. This is horrible.

October 1, 2013

2

This is so hard!!

So, banded a full month and feel like I'm all healed up (minus a weird really painful incision at port area that popped up all of a sudden) and this is so much harder than I thought! I think I really need a fill because I can eat anything I want. I try not to ... But I think after a full month of not eating some foods, it's hard to keep things reasonable. I try to eat like a normal person ... but this is just so hard!!! I do an excellent job of making sure I don't have junk food in my house ever, but yesterday at the store I bought some mini marshmallows. I don't know why I bought them. But I did. And then I ate too many. Way too many. I won't tell you how many. I gained a pound back. Which isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But I'm focused on right now - not the grand scheme! I want this weight gone and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I am desperately scared that I won't be able to make this work. But I haven't even gotten a fill yet, so it is way too soon for that kind of thinking. I wish I had a fill appointment set, so I have some hope. I'll make one on Monday. In the mean time I will try to keep it positive!!

August 10, 2013

5

New Scale ... argh!

So, here I was, thinking I've been rocking things lately ... and to celebrate my success I bought a new digital scale. Awesome, right?! WRONG!!! My old and awesome scale said I was 180 lbs. My new and horrible scale says I am 185. I think the bigger problem here is that five pounds absolutely devastated me. It made me feel so defeated. I'm the same person, and I weigh what I weigh, no matter what a scale says. I feel like my moods are reflecting what a scale says. And how lame is that?!?! Maybe I'll try the 'only weigh once a week' type thing so I don't get overly crazy. But that would be hard for me. Maybe that can be something I work towards. Here's an update on my therapy session about food addiction: She said I shouldn't overeat, but not to worry about it because it's just part of our society. Okay, thank you 6 feet tall, 110 pound therapist. I can't wait to see you again. My plan B? Books from the library. I'll update when I find a good one!

December 20, 2013

1

First Fill!

First of all, thank you for your comments and support. You have no idea how much that means to me. It makes me feel that I'm not alone and that people are rooting for me! SO! I got my first fill today. I had to sneak out of work to get it. I was very nervous and sweaty when I was called in the fill room. The first thing they did was weigh me. I gained 2 pounds in 2 weeks. SIGH. I thought I was going to get my fill from my surgeon, but it ended up being the PA. She is probably better at them anyways, so I was fine with that. But I think she was a bit annoyed with some of my questions. I asked if there was any chance this fill could be too much and i wouldn't be able to swallow anything. She said there was no chance of that because I was going to drink water before I left to make sure liquids at least go down. Then I asked if it was possible that I'd reach the perfect restriction level with just this one fill and she said there was no chance of that! She poked me with a needle to numb the area, which really hurt. And then she took the fill needle and started doing weird things to me. It felt sooo incredibly disgusting. It totally reminded me of getting a pap done! How weird is that?!?! It was not painful ... but there was tons of pressure where I didn't want pressure. My eyes were squeezed shut and I kept thinking "is it over, is it over". I could feel the liquid moving through my body (or at least I imagined I could). The whole process lasted less than 7 minutes. I had 4 cc put in my 10 cc band. It was weird and uncomfortable. But if it makes me skinny, then I'll make the sacrifice! I'm on liquids for 2 days, then mushies for 2 days, then back to normal after that. Meh .. what's normal ... I don't even know anymore!

August 14, 2013

3

size 12

I went clothes shopping on my lunch break today. All of my pants are (finally) getting too big to wear. I decided since the weather is getting nicer that I would treat myself to a pair of capris jeans. The cute kind. My highest size was a size 20. I hated being a 20 because most stores don't carry that size, and since I was too embarrassed to shop in the plus size section, or heaven forbid, a plus size store, I bought everything online. Which meant I often wore clothes that I hated (clothing rarely looks the same in real life as it does online on the model!) and clothes that didn't fit (because I couldn't try it on). I still don't like clothing shopping. I actually hate it. But I needed some new clothes desperately. So as I was grabbing jeans I started picking up size 14s, because all of my size 16 clothes are too big. Just for fun, I grabbed one pair of size 12 jeans, thinking if they looked okay I could maybe get them for motivation. But guess what?!?! They fit! Granted, they look more like sausage casings than they do jeans ... but I didn't have to lay down to get them on or do a funny jumping dance! The size 14s would have fit (and probably look) better ... but holy smokes! I can fit in a size 12! Me! I can't even believe this. But seriously, that's what happened today! If I get brave, maybe I'll post a picture of me wearing them.

April 8, 2014

3

Where is my restriction?? 6 weeks post op ... so sad

I just wish I had some restriction! This totally feels like a diet right now ... Have I failed? Why am I so hungry? Why don't I take smaller bites? Why don't I eat slower? Why can I still eat everything? My biggest question .... why do I keep reading other people's awesomely amazing experiences on here and think the same thing will happen to me... even when my surgeon is telling me that is not always how it works?!?!?! Here is an example: People on here who lose 40 pounds or more their first 6 weeks. My surgeon tells me: expect to lose less than 5 pounds in the first three months, then expect to lose 1 - 2 pounds a week after the three month mark (when proper restriction is reached). Here is another example: People on here who have restriction at 4 cc in their 10 cc band and they have "stuck" episodes, and they can barely eat five bites before they are satisfied. Here is my reality: I can eat anything and everything I want, no exceptions. Here is one more: People have restriction after one fill and live happily ever after. Here is what my surgeon tells me: I will need about three fills before I can feel restriction. I know ... it's individual, other people's experiences won't be mine. I know. But ... in every area in my life I'm a huge pessimist ... but with my lapband, I'm an optimist and I keep getting let down. I also know ... calm down, it's been 6 weeks and I've lost 14 pounds. That is better than 2 pounds a week. I need to keep repeating that to myself. Over and over and over and over and ....

August 21, 2013

4

Second Fill

I had my second fill today. When I was weighed she kind of frowned and said "Oh... I see it's not quite tight enough for you, yet." Ha hahaha. Nope, I guess not ... I thought I did good losing a few pounds! Hopefully with this second fill I will do even better. Maybe next time she will blink twice at my weight, double check it, and then say "Wow - way to go, superstar!" So now I have about 5 cc in my band. 4cc from my first fill and 1 cc from this fill. I really really hope this fill works to control my appetite. Even though I'm eating less, it's because I am making my self. I am constantly hungry and thinking about food. Actually, a few times lately, I have even dreamed about food. I'm pretty sure that's not normal ... sigh. But, I already feel like my food addiction is getting better - so thank you, lap band. Keep up the good work!

September 5, 2013

0

I'm Addicted To Food

I'm now done 30 pounds. 30 pounds! I like stepping on the scale now. It had been probably 15 years or more since I weighed in the 180s. Hooray for me! I like losing slowly. I'm learning a lot along the way. Mainly, I have learned that I'm addicted to food. I think I'm going to go to a counselor to talk about this. It is so frustrating constantly thinking about food. And it's definitely not normal to love eating as much as I do. It is really comforting to eat. It's the most comforting to eat sugary or greasy things. Why I can't get the same comfort from celery I don't know ... sigh. I also sometimes feel like I have no control over food. It's like I can't stop eating, even when I want to. How did I get this way??? What is wrong with me??? I can't wait for a counselor to solve all of these problems for me. Hopefully overnight! ha ha. But, despite my food addiction. I'm still down 30 pounds in 5 months!!! Take that, food addiction! Also, while I'm in the process of curing my food addiction, I'm going to beg beg beg my PA to give me another fill even though it's only been a week since the last one. I know I'm getting close to green, but I'm not there yet. She will probably say no. But then I might do even more begging and might throw in some tears for good measure. We'll see.

December 5, 2013

2

Eating in public

I still really struggle with eating out in public. I am terrified of having a stuck episode!! I have been banded for 11 months, you'd think I'd have this down by now! My most annoying thing ... everyone saying, "Oh, don't you like your food?" I feel really badly, especially when servers ask me. They think something is wrong because I eat so slow it looks like I'm not even touching my meal. I have almost no friends, so I rarely eat out in public. But ... yesterday I went out with a few work people. One person said the inevitable, "Isn't your food good?" And I said, "Oh, no, it's great!" And to prove it ... I started eating great big bites one after the other... And sure enough, I got stuck. What is more embarrassing: going to the restroom several times during the meal to puke, or eating at the speed of a turtle ... I'm not sure. All I know, I still hate eating out in public with people who don't know I have a lapband.

May 30, 2014

1

Day 13

I'm still fine! And I'm down 10 pounds! Bad news? My appetite has come back. But I'm keeping it in check. It's been about 2 weeks since I've had anything sweet or starchy, and I am shocked to find that I'm not having any major cravings. Yes, when I watch tv and see food commercials, things look good, and I'd love to have them, but those are the only times! Once I start with those kinds of foods, I just can't stop, so I'm happy for now. I am eating about 800 - 1,000 calories a day. I have protein shakes blended with a banana and yogurt, cream soups, and runny mashed potatoes. Something delicious I discovered from reading the boards on here is peanut butter mixed with greek yogurt - I don't even like peanut butter that much, but that combination is really good and really high in protein. So that is what I have for "dessert" sometimes because I'm getting a little sick of sugar free popsicles! One more week of this kind of diet and then I will start adding "soft" real foods - like scrambled eggs! Hooray! I am still in a bit of pain, but it is more "sore" than "painful". All of my stitches look good and the little tape over them is still holding strong. I really want to feel around and see if I can feel my port, but I'm too scared! The idea that there is a little port inside of me where a needle can insert fluid is sooooo creepy to me, but I try not to think of it! I go to the doctor's next week for a check-up, and I'm sure he'll say that everything is A-OK so far. One thing I don't want right now is a fill. I know that I am not one of those lucky people who never need one because I'm so hungry and have to eat every 3 hours or so. I don't want anyone touching my stomach right now, even the physician's assistant doing the fill, so I will wait as long as I can. I went for a mile walk yesterday, which is the longest one since surgery. I totally thought I'd be tearing it up at the gym everyday by now, but I'm just not feeling it. My incisions hurt when my stomach moves, and I often hold my stomach when I move to lessen the pain. I might try walking on the treadmill today for 20 minutes or so at a slow pace. But I'm worried people will judge me for being at the gym for such a short amount of time. I wish I could say "Oh, eff what other people think!", which is the advice I would give someone who told me that, but I just can't!! I worry what people think of me. I just can't help it! Maybe I'll go to the gym during dinner time, which is a slow time (especially in summer). I really want to set up a routine of getting back to the gym, even if I do start at a snail's pace. Hooray me .... I'm actually doing this!!

July 21, 2013

1

Huge Fight!

Week four... My band and I have been fighting all week. It has been horrible!!! Starting on Monday, which was the first week where I started eating "soft" food, I began to get heart burn. And when I say heart burn, I mean the most horrible, awful, painful heart burn I have ever had. Well, I had gotten heart burn just a few times before, and it is never fun ... but this was something truly miserable. One day I even resorted to taking a prescription pill for heart burn which was the size of a horse pill. Well, I should have known better than to swallow that monstrous thing, but I was desperate. And sure enough, it got stuck. It was painfully scary. It was the first time something got stuck, and I was so scared and in so much pain, and I hated my band so much. A few days I couldn't eat anything because I had absolutely no appetite and it just burned so much. I went to bed with heart burn and woke up with heart burn. I took prilosec and I took zantac, sometimes it worked, but mostly it didn't work at all. I had my first fill appointment on Friday, so I waited until then to see what was up. I went in for my fill and asked my doctor what was going on. He said it is very rare for people with lap band to get acid reflux because the acid from the stomach has a hard time going up to the esophagus because the band often prevents things from going up. He said that heart burn feeling I had was from the new foods I was eating - he said the food was probably resting on my esophagus and causing discomfort and irritation. He said I probably still had some swelling in my stomach, which is causing some restriction, and so I needed to eat extra slow and extra small bites, and wait an extra long time between bites. That all made sense to me. I felt like I was already taking small bites, small portions, and waiting between bites. But since then, I have been doubling my efforts to eat diligently, and so far ... NO HEART BURN!!! I'm so happy. It takes me 45 minutes to eat a half cup of food ... which is kind of insane, but I think it will get better from here. Right?!?!?! And ... 12 pounds down so far!!!! This has been a bleak week, but things are looking up!

August 2, 2013

1

Summer Plan

I have two months off for the summer. And I have a summer plan. It's to lose 12 pounds. I have been at a bit of a stand still lately (all my fault), and I'm sick of it. I am so motivated to start!!! Of course, this is only the first day, we'll see what happens by next week. I live really close to a rec center, so I'm going to go swimming, take aerobics classes, and do some strength training. I am going to log everything I eat into myfitnesspal. I will not over react when I have an off day or an off meal. I am right on track to lose 50 pounds my first year of being banded. I literally can't believe it. I sometimes get so overwhelmed thinking about how much weight I've lost. I know that 50 pounds is a fraction of what some people lose in their first year. But I'm not some people. I'm me. And this is awesome for me. If I can lose 12 pounds this summer, I'll be in the one hundred fifties. That was my high school weight!! It is still over weight ... but it's the 150s!!!!

May 30, 2014

1

Day 4 Post Op

Day 4 Best day so far. Was finally able to get out of bed, walk around without crying, and I actually went down stairs today. Yay me! My mom has been great coming over and getting things for me. It is so funny because she always wants to help me get out of bed, because that is the most difficult and painful part - I keep thinking that I will bust the stitches open. So she wants me to grab on to her arm, but she is 63 years old and probably 110 pounds and I am positive I will just break her if I put any weight on her to get up. So we keep fighting about how I should get out of bed. But today is day four and I don't need help anymore! Don't get me wrong - my incisions are still painful as hell. But today is doable. This is the first day I could say that. Surgery day and the following 2 days are a huge blur. I can't believe how much pain I was in. I knew it was normal, and I just tried to focus on sleeping, so the next would come and be easier. That must have been a good plan, because here I am! My biggest ah ha moment so far was the fact I had a haitial hernia. I had no idea I had one. I have always been 50 pounds over weight, but very active and I considered myself healthy and I would have said that I had 0 side effects from being obese. I was a "low BMI" patient and the 3 people who I did tell about my lap band all were very surprised because they didn't think I was that big. I know how shallow this sounds, but the reason I wanted to get lap band was because I wanted to look better. It had nothing to do with my health, because I thought I was healthy. But, I got a pretty huge reality check. A lot of people said they felt they regretted their lap band the first couple of days, but I have never once regretted my choice. All I can think about is the fact that I do have health problems because of my weight and I'm so glad I have made this life change. For me, the next four weeks are going to be totally about healing and nothing else. I won't worry about my weight (even though I did sneak check it a few times already). I will worry about getting enough protein (had 34 grams today), getting enough rest, and setting up a routine. Today I had a protein shake for breakfast, broth for lunch, and another protein shake, for dinner, and snacks of jell-o, popsicles, and gatorade. I am not hungry yet, which is a miracle. I hope this feeling stays for a few more days. Although, I do need to stop watching the Food Network because everything on there looks so good! I know a lot of people say that McDonalds made them fat, or high fructose corn syrup, but for me - I swear, Food Network made me fat! I am totally going to start cutting back! I truly can't believe I'm here. I'm scared to death of complications and having to go through surgery again. It was so stressful on my body and I really really don't want to do it again. But for now, I'm fine! Wow!

July 13, 2013

3

New Year

Happy New Year! I had an amazing holiday. I can't believe how quickly I threw all my healthy eating out the window. I was on vacation for 10 days. For some reason I immediately converted back to pre-band eating. Which is also known as out of control. After I got off the plane, I immediately went through the drive thru and ordered a family pack of fried chicken strips and a side order of mac and cheese. After that I ate non stop. And I had complete mixed emotions - on one hand it felt so good, it had been a long time since I ate like that. But on the other hand I had about 6 stuck episodes in 10 days and felt guilty a lot of the time. All of my stuck episodes were because I was shoveling food in my mouth as fast as I possibly could. It tasted so good. So good. Soooooo good. Prior to going on vacation I felt I was on the right track with everything - I was measuring portions, logging my food, eating protein first, cutting out almost all sugar. And I wasn't miserable - I didn't feel like I was dieting. I didn't really miss eating crappily. (Well, except every once in a while when I watched co-workers devour huge pieces of cake ...) So why did I immediately go back to eating like a maniac? I definitely went to my vacation knowing I would indulge a little bit. But I thought it would be a little bit here and there - instead it was literally every meal with snacks in between. I know at least for one thing that I am not in the green zone yet. It's been 6 months, and I'm close, but not there. I can eat 2 enormous slices of pizza (ie - half the pizza) and still want more. That is really frustrating. Like, really frustrating. I might have higher expectations for my band than it is designed for. But is it too much to ask to want to be full/satisfied on a small portion of food?!?!? Apparently. But - I've been back for 4 days and every day has been a good day. I feel off the wagon, but I am right back on and for that, I am so grateful and proud. I was worried it would be the beginning of my demise, but instead it's just a 10 day oops. Hooray me!

January 9, 2014

1

Should I or Shouldn't I?

I am 90% sure I want to get the lap band, and 10% unsure. I'm certain that my story, my life, my decision is not unique - but it's mine. I am 33 years old, almost 34. I have been 50 pounds over weight for years and years. I have been over weight since the fourth grade. It's part of who I am. I hate it. For over 20 years, not a day has gone by where I didn't have negative thoughts about my weight and my body. I love myself, I truly do. But I hate my extra weight. I am self conscious of my body. It prevents me from doing new things, meeting new people, and living my life. I walk into a store and start comparing myself to every female in the store. I obsess. This is my life and I effing hate it. I want out. That is why I am 90% sure I want this. I don't want scars. I don't want to be in pain. Most of all, I don't want this, getting the lap band, my last resort, to fail. Because this is it. If this doesn't work, then this is my life and I am petrified of failing and having to life the rest of my life in this body. That's the 10% why I'm still scared to get it.

May 19, 2013

1

Day 18 ...

It's been 19 days. Down 10 ish pounds (still not weighing myself every day!) and I think I might be noticing small changes. So, I have these pair of jeans that I got from the Good Will last year. Size 16. Loved them, they fit like they were made for me. I wore them for about 3 months until I started gaining weight, then I put them in the back of my closet because they somehow shrunk. Well, I was getting dressed this morning and I thought to my self "Hmm, I wonder if it's time to re-own those jeans ..." I got them out of my closet ... put them on slowly while keeping my eyes closed ... AND THEY DIDN'T FIT!!!! After reading story after story after story on here about people getting back into their skinny clothes, or going shopping and being like 3 sizes smaller than what they thought ... I totally thought it was my turn to post a story ... But, no. Not yet. Sheesh, how tight must those jeans have been to still not fit!?!?!

July 27, 2013

0

My Consult

I went to my initial consult today. It took three and a half hours. I imagined it very different from what it really was. I was greeted by the receptionist and filled out some forms. She took my height and weight. ERGGGGGGGGGGGg that made me cry. Then a Physician's Assistant came in, took my blood pressure, and listened to my breathing with a stethoscope, which I don't think ever tells anyone anything. But at least she didn't take a little hammer and test my reflexes. Next, I met with the surgeon. Who had kinda a pot belly. Which I thought was kind of funny ... No judgement, but just saying ... I was so stunned and in shock and awe the whole that I just listened to everyone and didn't ask any of the thousand questions that I had ... dang it! Then I met with a social worker. Which was really odd. I had to fill out all these questions about my personality, stress level, etc etc. But she was the most interesting part of the whole day. She had the lap band put in 14 months ago, she said. She has lost 80 pounds. She showed me her scars, and let me touch where her port thing is. SOOOOO creepy touching someone's tummy! But when I told her I didn't know anyone who had the lap band, she got excited and told me a bit of her story. Then I met with a nutritionist. She asked me all sorts of questions about my current eating habits. Which were so hard to answer because I don't have a typical. Some days I eat healthy and normal, and some days I eat crazy, like I'm having my last meal. I booked my surgery date for July 8th. I am going to have surgery!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In like 6 weeks!!!!!!!!!

May 30, 2013

0

I did it!!

Dear Self, Congratulations! You just went through a major life changing event. I know you are ready for the challenges that will come, and you are definitely ready for the successes and victories you will be making soon. Do you think you're ready for your new life? The one where food doesn't control your life. The one where you can walk into a room and stop wondering if you're the biggest person there. The one where you can stop asking yourself "am I bigger or smaller than her?" about every female you see. The one that you deserve and that you have waited 20 years for. Good luck. I'm your number one fan!

July 12, 2013

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