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lellow's Blog

A blog by lellow

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Band Replacement - Starting Over

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Meh

This is the vent post I never usually make just before I leave LBT for a while. It's the one I think in my head but never say out loud. But here goes: I get tired, as do a lot of the band veterans here I'm sure, of saying the same thing over and over. I get tired of people fighting wanting only their opinion to be heard, or people asking for advice then when you give it, refusing to even consider it. I'm tired of the same story, but different faces where people talk about how the band isn't the tool they expected, when perhaps their expectations were wrong to be begin with. I get tired of people expecting responsibility for their weight loss to be taken right out of their hands just because they got a little plastic ring put around their stomach. And most of all I'm ashamed to say that I get tired to offering support to my fellow banders sometimes. Sometimes I want to concentrate on me, get on with my life, and not invest in anyone else. I'm now in maintenance and again I feel like I've done enough, I don't have anymore to give right now, nor do I want to. My wish is for everyone to find the kind of success I've had, and to be inspired by the fact that if *I* can do it, anyone can, coz god knows I'm not special, but it doesn't usually work out that way. Instead of feeling like I'm helping, I get jaded and cynical and so damned tired of the BS and want to take a break from it all. Again. So that's me, actually verbalising for once why I won't be posting any more for a little bit. I'll be back, I always come back, but for my sanity, I think another hiatus might be in order.

July 31, 2013

10

"You're lying, that's not you!"

Today I was fiddling with my collage maker on my phone and made a collage of one of my 'before' pics from 2003 and one of me that I took today, in 2013. I wanted to use it as my profile pic on here, so this is it: I sent it to myself at work, had it up on my screen and someone I didn't know very well walked up behind me and said 'who is the person on the left?' So I said, 'oh that's me 10 years ago'. Believe it or not, she puffed herself up in indignation and looked me in the eye and said quite rudely "you're lying, that's not you!" and then proceeded to tell me that the person in the photo on the left looked nothing like me, the woman was obviously older, the skin tone was all wrong and who was I trying to kid anyway??? I didn't have to say anything, my colleague next to me actually said 'actually that is her' and explained about the lapband (everyone who knows me knows about it). The women then did the huge dramatic act of pretending to be hugely shocked and then interested in how I did it, completely ignoring the fact that she'd basically just accused me of lying! Lucky for her, I thought it was highly amusing, and took it as a compliment, and walked away thinking it would be a good anecdote for this blog. Hey, sometimes you gotta look for the silver lining in everything, right?

August 23, 2013

9

Hanging out for my next fill, I miss the green zone!

See, unlike a new bander, I know how good the green zone is to me. It's like those first few weeks after surgery when you don't feel hungry, have no desire to eat, can't imagine eating. That's what my green zone is like. But I also know it took ages to get there the first time. I got to 8.5cc in a 10cc band to get to that point. At 4cc, which is what I have in my band now, I felt nothing. I feel nothing now. I know my surgeon doesn't want to go too fast with the fills. He put in 2cc the last fill and I know that's aggressive, and I understand that it's a sensible thing to do to go slowly. It's a new band, I may have a different green zone, so he doesn't want to just throw 7cc in like they did after my body lift. But it's killing me, the hunger. It's so freaking pervasive. And doesn't it now make complete sense that I used to be big? My boyfriend eats the same amount as me and 2 hours later I'm hungry while he's still coasting. This ISN'T my head. I know better. I lived in my green zone for 3 years. Unless I eat to the brim I'm going to be hungry 2 hours later. So I used to eat way too much to feel as 'full' as my boyfriend does and for as long as he does on half the food. In the green zone, I ate 1/3 what he eats and it lasted 4 hours at least. I'm eating healthy and am exercising to maintain my weight now but it's HARD. No wonder people fall off wagon. It's bloody miserable! It wasn't this hard before. This is why I love being banded. I know it works and works well once you have the right fill level in your band. I miss that feeling so much and I am hanging out to get there!

May 27, 2013

7

Got to love the confusion about 'ideal weight'

So my surgeon, who replaced my band, and his wife, who does my fills, can't agree. When I went in to see him for the first time, I'd been successfully maintaining for 3 years and then lost restriction with a leak. My BMI was just under 23. And that's what he's recorded it as. My BMI just a smidge over 24. He thinks I need to be a bit tighter so I can get back down to my pre-leak weight. His wife, however, thinks I am perfect the way I am now. What IS someone's ideal weight? Because even my care-givers can't agree. I personally think it's when I look in the mirror and am happy with me. And I'm happy with me now more than I ever have been. We're talking about mere lbs here but somehow the number on the scale is still king and I'm sick of it. I decided at my last appt that no, I don't want to lose anymore. I told them that we will work at getting a fill level that will provide maintenance for me. Not weight loss. Because in the end, *I* decide what I'm happy with, and happiness in myself doesn't come from a number on the scale. So no green zone, no regular fills, no jumping on the scales everyday. My band is working, I can feel it. Maybe not at optimal performance but good enough to help me maintain. So my scale can abdicate now, thank you very much, it is no longer the king of me.

July 29, 2013

6

Yeah, my regrets are gone, along with the nausea.

In fact I'm pretty much feeling 100% now. My port incision still hurts a little but that's the extent of my discomfort of late. I'm even back to wearing the jeans that I couldn't quite get into earlier this year. This pic is of me in those very jeans TODAY. I did my post op appt early too, by one week, because I can't make it next week. So I saw my surgeon yesterday, two weeks post band replacement. He was SO pleased with how I was healing, weighed me (I've officially lost 4kgs since he last saw me) and he put 4cc into my 10cc band to 'start me off'. I'm nowhere near my green zone but I'm feeling a tiny bit of restriction and you know what feels amazing? It's NOT disappearing, like it always did with my leak. I'm so hopeful for the future now. I'm not even stressing about getting back to the green zone. I didn't have much to lose to get back to my stable weight of 60kgs but I'm already at 65kgs 2 weeks out of surgery so if I don't lose anymore now, I'd be perfectly happy. As long as I don't have to struggle not to gain, I'd be happy! So regrets? No, not anymore.

May 11, 2013

4

Lucky? Yes, but I also made my own 'luck'

This band has been a godsend. I won't lie. It helps me maintain my weight easily. I know how hard it was for me to not gain when my old band was leaking, and how super hard it was to lose, so I'm loving that my new band has me back on track. Yes I've had complications, but generally speaking, yes I've been 'lucky' with the band. My band has been SO easy to live with. Or maybe it was that I had realistic expectations, I don't know . But either way, I love that it's there helping me every day. But I also realised that I made my own 'luck' with the band. Even when I wasn't formally exercising in maintenance mode, I paid attention to my portions, I did lots of incidental exercising like using the stairs instead of the escalator (I still do), I didn't resume my bad eating habits. I stayed, for the most part, on program. So I do see this as a partnership between my band and me. I honestly believe that weight loss and maintenance would be VERY difficult, if not impossible, for me without a band. But I also know this little thing around my stomach didn't do it all for me. Far from it. I exercised to lose, I maintained a healthy lifestyle during maintenance, I am exercising today to ensure long term maintenance. I worked with it, and continue to work with it, everyday. The surgery will help you if you're willing to help yourself. And I'm worth investing in myself to be the best I can be. No one is going to want the best for me the way I could possibly want it for myself. I went through surgery to allow myself the best chance of success, so I will not let myself down by not putting in the effort to make it work. So yes I've been lucky to live with a band easily, but I sure as hell made my own luck as well. So stop sitting there waiting for a miracle to happen to you, go out and MAKE it happen.

September 3, 2013

1

Boobs, butt and a waist!

Before After So I'm 2 days post lipo. I'm feeling really good! I called work because I was supposed to go back tomorrow but they said to take another day, so I am. Haven't needed pain meds but have got some swelling that is pretty uncomfy so I appreciate having a little more time off. I'm so pleased with the result. I had a panicked moment just before I went into surgery asking myself why the hell I was doing this, but now, seeing that I actually have a waist for the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm glad I went through it! I have lost so much weight trying to get a semblance of a waist, but even at my thinnest, I was just straight up and down. And being a BMI of 21 meant that while I was slim at the waist, I was also slim in the hips and my butt was flat. I looked like a little boy! This time, with lipo and a little bit of extra weight on, I have that womanly figure I've always wanted! Boobs, butt and a waist! Now just to get a little toned up in general! My home gym is arriving in 2 weeks so after that it's on! I am going to be the strongest 43 year old I know! P.S my cat photobombed my 'after' pic. Lucky she's cute!

July 10, 2013

1

6 days post band replacement surgery

I woke up this morning and I feel OH so much better than I have the last few days. I was starting to worry that I'd never feel ok again. This surgery was harder than the initial surgery. It hurt more. It took more out of me. Mind you, I *am* almost 5 years older than I was then. Maybe that's it, maybe it's just coz I'm an old chook now lol. I'm still on a liquid diet - full liquids, with the thickest thing I am having being yoghurt, and I'm doing it easily. I'm rarely hungry and this reminds me so much of when I was in my green zone, when I nearly never felt hungry. I have great hopes of getting there again now I have a new band in. I've also lost almost 5lbs since surgery. I'm not trying to take that loss too seriously but, if I'm honest, I'm ridiculously happy because I've been so careful with my intake and exercise the last few months and not lost a measly lb without the band. This is why I went back to get a new band, because it works for me. Next stop: the green zone. I have my first fill in a couple of weeks, and then hopefully it won't be too long until I'm back there again, and I can go back to happily living my life with my band like I did for the 3 years before the leak. Fingers crossed.

May 1, 2013

7

Commitment

I am committed to me being my best. This means I will not: - Reward myself with food. I love food, and I love beautiful tasting food, but it's not a reward, I am not a dog. I have to maintain a healthy relationship with food, which means I can enjoy it without it being the centre of my life. - Forgot that that for most people, achieving 'fullness' at every meal is not their goal. This is something I realised just recently. My partner is not a big guy, and he stops eating when he's no longer hungry. I have spent my whole life stopping only when I'm full. This is a FUNDAMENTAL difference between us, and the reason I have struggled with my weight all my life. But not any more. - Tell myself I don't have time. If I can find time to be there for others, I can find time to be there for me. Whether it's exercising, sitting on the couch reading a book, or just doing what I want to do instead of what someone else wants to do. In this way, I nourish myself and allow myself to be a better person for everyone around me. - Focus on being skinny instead of being healthy. This is important - I got to a BMI of 21 at one stage, and my ribs were showing and my hip bones stuck out. I had no muscle tone to speak of. That's not healthy. My BMI is 24 now and I get sick less, I feel strong, and I feel womanly. My body fat percentage is lower now than when my BMI was 21. I was so focussed on losing, I was losing sight of why I did this, which was to be healthy. - Hate my body. It has borne 4 beautiful kids, and my eldest is now 23 and watching how women hate their bodies and themselves in the process. That's not a lesson I want my daughter to learn. I have parts of me that I don't like, that's just human nature and it's silly to pretend I could stop doing that, and that's actually ok in small doses, but I will not hate my whole self. I am beautiful, whether I was big or small, and I am the same person on the inside. And I will value that, even if society may not (yet). - Compare myself to others. This is part of the above point too. Envy is a nasty, self-destructive thing. "I wish I was younger, prettier, smarter, thinner, richer". I now say "I want to be happy" and to do that, I need to stop hurting myself by wishing my life away and not seeing the things I should be thankful for. - Sit by and do nothing. Counting my blessings doesn't mean I just sit by crying into my soup about the things in my life that make me unhappy either. I change what I can if it's important to me, don't change what isn't important and accept what I can't change. And know that no one is responsible for my happiness but me. I'm writing this because in the last few years these ideas have formed in my head but I've never said them out loud in one place. Yet I think it's important for me now to see it in black and white. And while it's not just about me being a lapbander, but a person, I thought that this was a good place to put it.

July 1, 2013

3

1st Aug was my 5 year bandiversary

And I missed it! I may have a brand new band in but I still consider the 1st August 2008 to be the first day I became a bandster. And despite the ups and downs, it has been a game changer for me. It transformed my life in so many ways that I can't even begin to articulate. Not just in my weight, my health and my prognosis for my future health, but in my confidence, my view on life, my career and my value in myself. Happy bandiversary to me! It's been an amazing 5 years and here's to many many more to come.

August 2, 2013

3

Hallelujah the culprit may have been found!!

So it turns out I might have been having a reaction to my painkillers this entire time, and that's what was causing the overwhelming nausea. Tramadol. Not quite an opiate which is why it was prescribed to me, because this little duck is allergic to opiates. Except it made me nauseous because the number one adverse effect of Tramadol is, low and behold, nausea. I took that little pill every freaking night. And woke up the next day feeling like death. Not last night though, and today I feel SO SO SO much better! So I'm praying that that was it, and I can go back to being human now. Maybe I might even be able to go back to work tomorrow! *happy dance* And can I say, in the absence of nausea, that I'm feeling otherwise pretty damned fine.

May 6, 2013

4

Too good to be true?

My last band took a lot of fills to get me into the green zone. 8.5cc in a 10 cc band, and when I was leaking, it got up as high as 10cc. With my first band, at 6cc, I couldn't even feel my band. And yet here I am now, at 6cc again with a new band, placed by a different dr, and I feel like I'm in the green zone. Maybe because of my history I keep expecting it to disappear but it's been 4 days since my fill and I still feel like I can't eat more than a couple of poached eggs tops. I actually think it's not swollen or anything anymore, and I'm either at the green zone or close to it. Also my hunger is almost completely gone, which is also another sign for me. After 15 months of my band leaking, this feels almost too good to be true.

June 3, 2013

3

How many interesting people have you missed out on meeting?

I saw a video of an interview with Dustin Hoffman today and it really rang true for me. I think I am so lucky because I was a big girl most of my life and lost the weight, and in the process I went from being invisible to being visible to society. The thing is, I didn't even know I was invisible when I was heavy. How would I when I'd been heavy all my adult life? But when I lost the weight, and the level of attentiveness, regard and interaction people wanted with me increased out of sight, I realised how little people reached out to me before. That SO many people who think I'm amazing and wonderful now, wouldn't have given me the time of day 5 years ago. An old friend and I were talking today, and he said he was so shy when he first met me coz I was thin already and he was 'still the fat guy', and he didn't understand why I reached out to him. I told him of anyone he'd meet, I'd be the one who would never see his weight, because unlike most people, I know better. I know that a person's weight doesn't define them. Because my weight should never have defined me. Anyhow, it makes me wonder how many people have missed out on meeting the most amazing people because they stereotype them in their heads. Which is why Dustin Hoffman's interview struck such a cord. I hope it's ok to post it, because it really moved me, and I hope it moves you. http://www.upworthy.com/dustin-hoffman-breaks-down-crying-explaining-something-that-every-woman-sadly-already-experienced-3

July 10, 2013

3

almost 4 weeks post op and I'm already thinking of more surgery

I must be nuts. My boyfriend keeps reminding me how miserable I was in the week after my band replacement 4 weeks ago. But honestly I don't care. Or I don't remember! I came into a little bit of money and I want to get lipo done. Even at my lowest weight (BMI of 21) I had pockets of fat that wouldn't go away - my inner thighs, my love handles (above my body lift scar) and upper back fat (near my bra line). I remember trying to lose more and more trying to get rid of those spots and while I did manage to reduce them, they were never really 'gone' and the rest of me was looking VERY thin, as in "you could see my ribs clearly in the valley of my cleavage" thin. So I've made some decisions - I like the weight I'm at now, a BMI of 24. I look voluptuous, womanly and healthy. I want to stay looking like that. But I want to get those stubborn pockets of fat out. Contour this body so it doesn't look lumpy, like it always did until I got way too thin. I have tossed this up over and over the last few days. I know it's about vanity. I know I look good for my age (43) and am fit and healthy, and to spend that sort of money on me again seems, I don't know, a bit indulgent. But then I think - why not? The money came from my hard work. Some of it is going to paying some money off our mortgage off and doing stuff around the house, boring stuff like that. Why can't I spend some of it on me? Plus, as I've always said when people ask me how I justified the WLS and the body lift and the breast augmentation, that most people spend more than I have on a luxury car they drive for a couple of hours a day. I drive this body 24/7, so why shouldn't I spend that money on it? The boyfriend is worried about me going under the knife again quite so soon, so while I have a consult with a PS on Tuesday, I'm thinking of waiting for a couple of months before I go ahead. But I won't lie, if he says it's no problem to do it now, I'd probably go ahead! Lol! No pain, no gain. With weight loss and everything else.

May 24, 2013

3

Being satisfied with myself

I was asked recently, if I ever would be satisfied with myself. I'm having lipo in a week, where I'm getting a little bit of contouring on the lovehandles and backfat left over from the body lift, and some fat taken from my inner thighs. It won't be drastic by any means, it's just a little bit of shaping, really, but despite telling very few people (non-banders) about it, the resounding feedback seems to be that there's something wrong with me, because I don't seem to be happy with myself. And yet, I think that's never been further from the truth. I am actually happier with myself than I have ever been in my life. It's because I like myself that I'm not thinking twice about doing this for ME. The difference is, that where I used to think that if I didn't like something, I had to suck it up and suffer, because how I felt wasn't important in the scheme of things, now I don't. I don't like something, I change it. I think I approach things with moderation and I'm not going to end up being nipped and tucked until I look like an alien, so it's not like I have some addiction to plastic surgery, I just want to look as good as I possibly can. My whole life, I looked after everyone else: my man, my kids, my parents, my friends. I always came last. I was brought up to feel selfish for thinking of myself. The lapband changed all that. I learned one important lesson in the last 5 years of being banded: If you love yourself, you will look after yourself, you will make time for yourself, you will make your needs AT LEAST equal to the needs of the people you love. And if you look after yourself, you're being the best person you can be for the people you love too, and more importantly, a good role model for what good self esteem looks like. And if you're not happy with something, change it, because no one will change it for you, and YOU are the only one who can take control of your life. I'm amazed at how we are constantly told that considering our own needs is a selfish thing to do, and then people wonder why we suffer from low self esteem. Break the cycle. I am not asking you to be a heartless, mean-spirited person to others, I'm asking you to learn to love yourself. It's because I AM satisfied with myself and love myself that I can choose what I want to do to make me happy.

July 1, 2013

1

Regret for the first time

I've had a lot of surgeries. Initial lapband surgery, a torsoplasty, breast augmentation, 2 port revisions and now, finally, a band replacement. So pain and feeling horrible is something I can put up with, because I know it's for a greater good. But this nausea might have me beat. It's day 3 of it with last night being the worst. I spent a lot of the night dry retching and feeling like absolute crud. I alternated between goosebumps and convulsing and then shivering and burping then dry retching all over again. When I did sleep I had nightmares. I've lost 7lbs in the last week but I feel so awful that for the first time, I am regretting what I've given up for the weight loss. My 7yo son is visiting and is going home back to his dad tonight and all I can think of is how all he saw this week is his mum in pain or so sick she can't spend any time with him. My partner is being awesome. He keeps reminding me that this is not just for today but what I needed to do for my quality of life in the future, but I guess right now, I can't see it. I can't see past how horrible I feel. I've spoken to hospital and they've suggested medication to ease the nausea so I'm going to try that and hope I can salvage the rest of the day with my boy. I'm hoping that at least that regret, I will be able to work on.

May 4, 2013

4

4 days post band replacement surgery

So here I am, 4 days after full band replacement surgery. Feeling weird because I've done this before so I don't really relate to those who have just gotten their bands for the first time, but at the same time, knowing that what I'm going through isn't much different. S why did I get a band replacement? Well my band has been leaking for 15 months now, maybe longer. I was first banded in 2008 and had great success with the band, losing all my excess weight and more. In fact the band was so successful for me that I eventually had to make a conscious decision not to lose anymore. I finally settled on a 'happy' weight of 128lbs and maintained for 3 years before one day feeling almost like something 'popped' in my belly. I was able to eat more for a while before hand but after that day, there wasn't anything I couldn't eat. I felt no restriction. So I took myself off to see my surgeon. March 2012, I got port replacement surgery. The tubing had an obvious leak in it. All done. Leak sorted. Right? Wrong. I still couldn't keep any restriction and soon they realised that, yes, I was still losing fluid from my band. This time, in Aug 2012, when I went in for a port replacement though, they didn't find any leak, so they didn't change anything, just sewed me back up. Fast forward to early 2013. I have given up on my band working. I've gained 37lbs and with diet and exercise, I lose 15lbs of that, but it's annoying me, niggling me, that the band isn't working, so I make an appt to see my dr again. I've lost fluid from my band. Again. So after all that, 4 days ago, I finally got a full band replacement. I tossed up the idea of revising to a sleeve but decided to stick with the band because when it works, it works a charm for me. Right now I'm really sore and sorry for myself. I remember feeling better far more quickly after my initial band op. They also moved my port from my right hand side to the my left hand side so I'm sore in both places now. I've got some localised swelling but I'm hoping that it's subsiding. In the meantime, I'm having liquids, and have lost 2lbs already in 4 days, though I know enough not to really count those lbs in the long run! I have a fill in 3 weeks so I'm hoping that I've now rejoined the band life for real.

April 30, 2013

1

My body image

It's taken me a long time to get my head screwed on right. I went from being heavy to being too thin, and after a lot of analysing, I decided that I'm finally happy with my weight. Because I'm not all about my weight. This was a difficult mindset to come to. I sometimes wonder, when I was losing, whether or not I'd traded one obsession for another: food for weight loss. My whole goal was to lose, and it didn't matter what the scale said, I kept wanting to lose. My best friend eventually intervened. She told me she thought I was too thin. She could see the ribs in between my cleavage, my hip bones stuck out, my head looked too big for my body. My doctor did too. He said if I didn't stop losing, he would unfill me a little. So I worked to gain a little bit to get to a BMI of 23, not because I wanted to, but because I was scared that if he unfilled me I'd gain it all back. Fast forward a few years, and my band starts leaking. My worst fears come true - I start gaining. I get disillusioned with my doctor's failed attempts to fix it, and I fall off the grid, and off the wagon. I start gaining and I don't care. I've given up. Christmas comes around and I go on vacation to spend it with my son and when we go to the park, I realise that for the first time in 4 years I can't keep up with him. The penny drops and I remember why I got banded in the first place: for him. That same moment, I make a decision to turn my weight gain around. I start tracking my calories, and exercising, and I lose weight, and I then make an appt to see my dr again to try to get back on track. At that appt, he withdraws the fill and it's immediately apparent that my band is still leaking, and we discuss what we should do next. The next few weeks really confused me: Do I replace? Do I revise to a sleeve? Can I do this on my own? Am I really not capable of maintaining without the band? Am I really so hung up on weight loss that I'm going to go under the knife again?? And more importantly, was I really unhappy? My weight changing didn't change me, it just changed how people saw me. Did I really want to get on that rollercoaster of weight loss being so important that I'd get too thin? So I made a decision: I'd get a replacement, because maintaining my weight was a lot easier with a working band, but I would not make weight loss my goal. It was for this reason that I decided I didn't want to lose anymore, and instead would get lipo to 'take care' of the problem spots. I'm not 5 days post lipo and by all accounts I'm exactly where I want to be. So what's the point of this post? That self-same best friend yesterday asked me how much fat they'd taken out during lipo. Did I lose any weight? So this morning I weighed myself. And yes the scales have gone down. And I was ecstatic. And all day today I'm thinking 'maybe I should try to lose a few more kilos, I could still stand to lose some weight' until I caught myself and shook myself out of it. Body image. It's such an insidious damaging thing sometimes. Because we constantly have to convince ourselves we're good enough, that we're happy enough, that we don't need to be better than we already are and actually believe it. And it's a battle you can't ever let your guard down on. And I'm angry with myself for having succumbed to that vicious inner voice in my head today. She really needs to shut the hell up.

July 12, 2013

1

Embarrassment for the overachiever

I'm 10 days post band replacement and today I returned to work, to start with a new client for my company. Maybe it was because it was a new client and I'm very much in the 'must impress' mode that I ignored the lingering nausea and pain and took myself off there this morning. I brought my hot water bottle with me as a concession though and it provided me with a good segway to explain to my client that I had recently had abdominal surgery. He was lovely and said he wasn't in a rush to start, would I prefer a few more days at home. No, silly me, I said I was fine and was fully intending to soldier on. Well within an hour it wasn't looking so rosy. My port incision was throbbing from sitting upright and the nausea came back hard and fast. The client took one look at me and decided I was going home. Except by this time I was unsteady on my feet (and trying hard not to dry retch) so it ended up that someone had to drive me and my car home with the client following behind in his car. I'm in bed now but to be honest I'm not sure that I'm not feeling terrible just from the embarrassment. They've pushed back my start date to Wed but depending on how I feel it may be even later than that. I feel AWFUL! For me and the client. Oh well at least it means I have been able to make an appt to see my surgeon this afternoon about my symptoms....

May 6, 2013

1

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