The first week in April is always cause for celebration as I celebrate my birthday! This year, I celebrate a little lighter than last year. Last year, 300 lbs was the number that I stepped on the scale to find along with turning 40. Wasn't real happy with that but figured, I could lose the weight if I wanted to. As the months went by, I wasn't gaining or losing....at least not pounds. I was losing though. I was losing my sense of self. Last August, while attending a funeral service, I sat down on a folding chair during a very quiet and sober moment, and BLAM!!! The chair collapsed right under me. It scared the whole room who thought there were spirits in the room! No. Just an obese lady who was so embarrassed and crying inside. This all happened in front of my 9 year old son too. To reward my embarrassment, I went to Friendly's after that ceremony and drowned my sorrows in a Reese's Pieces 5 scoop sundae which by the way is over 1,000 calories. I promised myself with the last lick of the spoon that "tomorrow, I will begin to lose weight so this never happens again."
I actually went to my doctor to get a Lap band Surgeon’s name in August so I could get some control of my world. With the referral in my hand, I was ready.
Now here comes October. How much weight have I lost since that embarrassing day in August you may ask? Zero. Did I go to the doctor with the referral? No. Life is busy. I didn’t have time as the school year began and time went by quickly. While attending a Halloween gathering, I sit down on chair that has arm rests. It is a squeeze but I can do it and I certainly don’t want to sit on the white folding chairs! As I sit there, laughing along to conversations and getting ready to grab a plate to eat, CRACK!!! BANG!!! The right armrest on chair I am sitting in is now on the floor. I am MORTIFIED!!! My son, being 9, states in a matter of fact tone, “Again!? That’s the 2nd chair you broke!” I felt like the world stopped, the pumpkins turned, and the ghosts and goblins turned red with embarrassment for me. I didn’t know what to say, where to go, or how to feel. I left the house as quickly as I could.
I walked up the street, out of sight from anyone who could see, and cried so hard and with such heartache in my soul wishing I could just be like a ghost and disappear. My husband found me. Didn’t say a word for a while and tried to coax me back into the house as dinner was being served. Dinner? Really? Food? Never again, I thought! I am not touching it! And I didn’t for the rest of the evening. Despite my stomach growling like crazy, I didn’t touch a thing. I just wanted to go home, but I knew I couldn’t as the Halloween activities were just getting underway. Where was that Ghost costume for me to put on so I could vanish was all I kept thinking.
As I returned to the dreadful sight of the broken chair, I was comforted with comments like “they are old chairs” and “that has happened before.” Perhaps, but it happened to me. The 300 lb mom. Not the 140 lb mom over there. Or the toddler who is jumping off of it.
Come Christmas time 2012 and now it’s time for the family photos to be sent out to family and friends. Needless to say, I hated all of the pictures I took as my face looked like the Kool-Aid man! BIG! I can only crop a photo so much before I have literally cropped my face in ½! I ended up using a photo that wasn’t flattering at all and just thought, deal with it and mailed out the holiday cards.
January 1, 2013, my insurance changes and along with that is coverage for Lap Band surgery. New year! New Opportunities! I got an updated referral, went to the doctor on January 11, and decided this was it! Just get it done and make changes! I did what I had to do with lab work and pre-surgery evaluations. I received a surgery date of March 4, 2013.
In February about 2 weeks before surgery, my family and I went on our Family trip to Florida and naturally went to DisneyWorld. As I stood in line for Space Mountain, I had that horrible pit feeling in my stomach as I watched people get into the seats, pull their lap bar towards them, and smile with delight for the ride. Those were the “thin” people. What about me? Am I going to fit? When I sit down, will the lap bar pull towards me? Will the ride controls say to me in front of others, “I am sorry, ma’am, but you can’t ride this attraction.” Will I be able to get out of the seat? Will I get stuck and someone will have to pull me out? Such horrible things think about as you go back and forth through the line waiting your turn. I had one little thought in my head that gave me hope: This will be the LAST time you will ever have to worry about this again as you have surgery in 2 weeks! Still, I was worried about the here and now. I couldn’t imagine embarrassing my son for a 3rd time, nor could I imagine what he would say although he apologized a thousand times over the October candidness. I did fit in the ride at Space Mountain (Thank you Walt Disney!) and went 5 times after that which made me feel “normal.”
So March 4, 2013 arrives, surgery is successful, and a month later, I am down 23 pounds. This birthday, there was no chocolate cake or mom’s homemade lasagna or alcoholic drinks to raise my glass to another year. Instead, it was a Tilapia fish dinner and one Milano chocolate cookie. Mom gave me a gift card to buy new clothes as my pants look quite “dumpy” right now. No one except my immediate family knew I had surgery so the three comments this past week from co-workers such as “Are you losing weight?”, “You are looking good”, and “Keep up the good work” couldn’t have been wrapped up into a better birthday box.
I have a long way to go. 130 lbs still to be exact but it will happen as this past year was turning point for me. I read recently “Do something your future self with thank you for.” I just know that when my next birthday rolls around in 2014, I will reread this blog and smile knowing that I took care of my future me. No more broken chairs, no more worries of fitting in rides, and no more “I will diet tomorrow.” Today is the day. Every day I am dieting and eating healthier. There are no breaks with a Lap Band. It is a commitment to a better me and I have to make it happen………To Future self: We got this girl! :wub:
