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About this blog

my journey through life and weightloss

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A Little Deeper

I read an interesting article on here yesterday that really made me stop to think - why was I overweight? Was I just going to blame my bad habits on my parents for the rest of my life? Or was there something more to it than that?   Part of the reason I've avoided thinking about it before is because to do so would be admitting to myself that I had a problem. When someone talks about overeating or people with eating problems, I immediately conjure up in my mind people that snack on potato chips constantly, eat half a cake for a snack, and chug a 2 liter bottle of coke with each meal. And since I didn't eat like that, then I'm obviously not in the same category as those people, right? Well, it's only now that I'm beginning to see and accept that I *am* overweight, that I *do* look overweight to my peers, and that hardly anyone who is overweight eats an entire pizza in a single sitting.   So I sat down and really thought about the painful things (yep, I cried) and tried to get to the bottom of what was behind my weight gain and poor eating habits.   Why do I eat?   Denial - If I didn't eat at all during the morning, then I must have some extra calories to spare in the evenings. If I didn't diet then I couldn't fail. If I didn't diet then that meant I didn't need to diet.   Control - Eat what I want, no one can tell me not to. Not missing out on my favorite foods.   Sadness - I earned or deserved it. Ability to relax or distract myself and not think too much.   Boredom - Keeps me busy, something easy and enjoyable to do. Better than just sitting and doing nothing.   Rewarding - I cooked it, accomplished that it turned out great.     Some of my earliest memories of food as a child were that of my dad eating the last of my favorite food. Many times we'd have left overs and if I wanted to save something for myself for later, I'd have to choose between eating when I wasn't hungry or eating more than I needed. Often I would find myself in the situation where my dad would have a large dinner and eat the last of whatever I was saving for myself and I was forced to have something else that I didn't want or sometimes I just chose not to eat.   I also remember very vividly this fear of eating something "ok" only to find out that my parents had decided to have pizza for dinner after my dad got home. So more times than I would like to remember I would have 2 dinners because I didn't want to "miss out" on the special food that was ordered or prepared later in the evening.   My parents were also ALWAYS dieting. We did Atkins on and off for years. After I moved out I really began to resent them for this. I was obsessed with thinking about food and diet and my weight - eventually to the point that I swung to the other end of spectrum and avoided all diets and forms of calorie control. I wanted desperately to be accepting of my body and who was, I some how tricked myself into thinking that to love myself mean I wasn't suppose to care about what I ate.   I tried a couple of diets after highschool, but I didn't want to turn into one of those compulsive dieters that spends most of their life yo-yo-ing and failing. I didn't want to fall for fads. I didn't want to turn into someone that hated my body.   Now as an adult, I am beginning to realize and accept the fact that I have complete control over my body. That no one is going to run off and hide my favorite mashed potatoes. And if for some reason I run out of a certain meal before I am tired of it, I can always make more when I need to. Food is becoming more about "what I need to survive" and variety and less about what I am craving. And I'm getting better at saying no to cravings and impulses or limiting the extent to which I give in (having only 1 cupcake every couple days, as opposed to a huge slice of cake with dinner). The food isn't going anywhere and I don't need to eat it before it disappears. I am giving our family more structure so that our daughter doesn't have to have the same worries I did as a child - and I want more than anything, even if I can never save myself, to teach her positive attitudes about food and have her educated about the effects of foods on the body so that she can make healthy choices and live wisely. I don't want her scared of food or obsessed with food - I want her to learn to be normal. Or even if she has some of the same issues I do, to have the confidence and education to make wise choices.
firefaerie266

firefaerie266

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The Start

What really kicked me into gear was preparing for my husband's upcoming deployment. I knew I needed to keep myself busy, and what better way to do it than to get into shape? I really want to be able to surprise him when he comes home and show off what I have accomplished. So I made a "To Do" list and I want to share that with you all!   What do I want to do? Exercise every day
lap band surgery
dye and spin (yarn)
pen turning
finish schooling
get a job
make soap
get a tatoo
start daughter in pre-K
meditate/yoga
read more
logic puzzles/brain exercise
How do I do this? Get up at 7am
exercise
shower
study/work
be creative
computer time
meditate/yoga
bed at 10pm
What am I afraid of? What's stopping me? failure
wasting resources
if I can't make a profit
wasting time (should I be doing something better?)
guilt (that I don't focus on something more important
What should I do instead? Not waste time "thinking"
make an inspirational space for myself
listen to music
JUST DO IT
  And then I made a list of bucket list goals that I want to do sometime in my life and to help me remember that my life is worth living:   Bucket List learn to be a dog trainer
knit a pair of socks
knit a shawl
write a book
get published
learn more digital photography
master photo shop
learn to sing
learn to dance
grow a vegetable garden
travel to Europe
learn to weave
take a cake decorating class
paint a picture
write a song
"trash the dress"
go to cosmetology school
firefaerie266

firefaerie266

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Introduction

I'm an Army Wife - tomorrow marks my husband's 1 year enlistment anniversary. This is significant to me because if it wasn't for him enlisting and for Tricare I don't know where I would be right now.   I have always been a little on the heavy side - but I was healthy, pretty active, and looked great. But it was drilled into me from a young age to "diet diet diet" and I never appreciated how healthy and beautiful I was until it was too late. After HS, I slowly started gaining weight - I was about 190 when I graduate and around 220 a year and a half later when I got pregnant. Pregnancy started off great - I was gaining right on schedule, exactly as my OBGYN expected me to. But somewhere near the end, things started spiraling out of control and he was at a loss for why I was continuing to gain.   When it came time for me to give birth, I was close to 320. About a month after delivery, I dropped 30lbs without even trying - most of it water weight. My legs were sooooo swollen during pregnancy that I stretch marks - yes stretch marks - on my ankles. I was jumping for joy when I could see my beautiful bony ankles again! I even told my husband that I don't care how fat I ever got - so long as I had my ankles! LOL   After that, things really stagnated. I tried doing a couple diets with little success. One diet program I tried was called "Quick Weight Loss" - it was a community type thing, like WW, that required almost daily weigh ins and a strict diet. They really stressed using their supplements and vitamins, but they were expensive and I didn't want to use them - I figured if I couldn't lose the weight eating regular food, then it just wasn't going to work in the long run! Anyways, about a month in to this diet and I just couldn't do it. I tried really hard, but the stress of measuring and weighing and organizing a meal plan were just too much for me. This was *very* strict. I could only have an exact portion of salt, could only have certain meats so many times a week, and needed to have so many vegetables and a lot of variety. I couldn't eat any of the things that I enjoyed, and many times I just wouldn't be HUNGRY any more - but still had food on my plate, that I was required to eat. I was stressing about food and thinking about it so much more than I ever had in my life and I just couldn't live like that.   I did adopt a few things from that experience though - I'm careful about my sodium intake, I cook almost all my own food and LOVE cooking from scratch, and I eat a lot more protein in my meals (our family practically lives off chicken!).   The other true diet that I tried was one of those meal replacement things called "ViSallus." The plan was you eat 2 shakes a day, one for breakfast and one for lunch, and then have a normal dinner and small snacks throughout the day. Sounds good right? Well the shakes - which everyone RAVED about and were suppose to be one of their selling points - tasted NASTY. They tasted like cake batter and the ONLY recipe I found that masked that horrid taste of sweetness was chocolate/peanut butter. I tried using frozen fruit, I tried using different flavor additives, but nothing helped. Eventually it got to the point where it took me half the day to finish half of a shake - instead of the 2 shakes I should have eaten. It's like my body said "If this is all there is to eat, than I'm fine not eating!" and I just wasn't hungry anymore.   So here I am. And I've finally decided to take control. The thing that appealed to me the most about lapband was the idea that I don't have to be so crazy and obsessed and precise for the rest of my life - it's simple - I eat a portion of protein, and then have fruits/veggies. I can do that! I can roast chicken, I can grill fish, I can broil shrimp - and I can most definitely eat some apple slices or cucumber slices or have a salad or whatever. And to find out that one day I might be able to just go out to eat with friends and family and order from the same menu as everyone else was enough to bring me to tears! To know that one day I *won't* be hungry, that I can learn how to eat a reasonable sized meal and be satisfied, that I can learn new habits and stop grazing - it's so inspiring and motivating to me. Heck just learning what "reasonable" means would be a step forward!
firefaerie266

firefaerie266

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