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Not my own words ...

When I lived in California a few years ago (this would have been early 2005) I had a friend who had a sister who had WLS - gastric bypass, not the band, but all the same.   She kept an on-line journal of sorts, similar to this I suppose. One day I came across a post of hers that put into words exactly how I feel, only way more eloquently than I ever could hope. Not how I feel, I guess, but how I hope to feel maybe. The part about the dread, and especially about the 'eternal loop' -- that's how I feel. I just hope one day it turns off.   So, to plagarize (and summarize) Jen:   "What is the most compelling is that feeling of dread I once hefted about, the feeling that things could only get worse, that I would get bigger and bigger forever until I died of diabetes or heart disease, or maybe just of misery...that feeling is finally, at last, thank god, GONE.   I finally feel free of its enormous weight--the weight of a miserable dark future, spent hiding and aching.   My pain is mostly gone in most every way. I can run now. I can breathe freely now. I'm actually never hot, so strange. I'm enjoying the summer. I am strong. I have a bathing suit. My shoes are all too big. I am sitting cross-legged right now. I wear a size 8, and sometimes a 6.   And I'm actually able to start thinking of myself as truly human now, not that I was inhuman before, or that fat people are somehow less human. But that supreme loneliness creates an absence in you, holds you just outside real life, makes people pass you by like clever landscaping. I can even say I'm occasionally beautiful, when the moon is right or from the left. I can claim normality, or at least its close cousin. And though I've never striven for normality, I recognize its virtues.   Suddenly it hit me, just one day, upside the head, that I've turned off that voice in the periphery that played the eternal loop--hide, hide, hide, hide. Don't go out. DOn't leave th house. Don't stand too close. Hide. Always hide. The pain of knowing in any situation you likely won't fit in, and maybe won't even literally fit, is just simply gone. The fear of being seen, th worry about impressions, the misery of shopping for clothes or eating in public or admiring someone whom you know would never, god forbid, admire you.   All of that is gone.   Of course, I still worry about how to pay the bills, why my boyfriend won't take out the trash, the mercenary nature of the capitalist machine -- you know, the usual. But that other worry, the worry that has stalked me tight since I was 9 years old and 50 lbs heavier than my classmates is entire gone ... or at leaast almost entirely on its way out. See ya later."
laralynn86

laralynn86

1
 

I've changed my mind

Negativity is no way to begin this. I've changed my mind - it will work because I will make it work. I shall make it successful (if I meditated, this would be my mantra).   I've been really good about what I've eaten for the past two weeks ... well, kind of. I've not controlled my dinner portions as much as I should, but I've been eating real, homecooked meals (no fast food in two weeks - a miracle for me) and starting with the protien when I eat. I had Taco Bell for lunch yesterday though (and not just Taco Bell, but too much Taco Bell) because I had a bad day and guess I thought it would magically make it better. And then I won't even tell what I had for dinner tonight - seriously reverting back to bad, bad ways - bad binge eating like I haven't done in a couple of years. I think I let myself slip into the mindset of 'I'll have the band soon, so it doesn't matter what I do for the next two weeks.'   I can't let myself continue like this though. I need to show to myself I'm dedicated now, before I have the band forcing me to stop. One day at a time, right?
laralynn86

laralynn86

1
 

Little goals I look forward to

On Labor Day 2006 I weighed 279 - one pound more than my previous all-time high in October of '04.   I've lost about 15 lbs since then, but not really enough to feel like it makes much difference in my clothing.   I'm currently at 265, and a size 22 or 24.   Here are a few things I really look forward to:   Down 15-20 lbs from where I am now - I'd be back to the weight I was at in July 2005 just before going to Denmark ... purchased several business suits in size 18/20 that I would love to fit into again. Currently I wear Levi's to work almost every day, and look forward to having nicer clothes to wear.   Down 35 lbs (to 230). This will put me back to where I was when I moved to California at age 25 (lived there four years, gained 40+ lbs, no longer live there). I hated being at 230 at the time, of course, but long for that number now. Plus, I have a ton of clothes from this weight that I've never been able to bring myself to throw away.   Less that 230, I can't even imagine. It's been so long since I was below this weight, I don't even recall it. I used to wear cute skirts to work, and I had a pair of knee-high boots before my calves were to thick to accomodate such shoes.   I look forward to all the miniture milestones, even if I never see the 140s ... or even the 170s.
laralynn86

laralynn86

2
 

Food accountability

I need to be more accountable for what I eat. I'm going to try to list my daily intake here (regardless of what it is, even if I've been bad) here so I'll have to face it if I eat something I know I shouldn't.   This weekend I went to Phoenix. Friday night went out to Sushi 101 with some friends. I'm always a little scared about eating and drinking alcohol, for fear I'll lose some of my common sense and forget to chew or eat to much or something. Everyone else had saki bombers, and I drank saki straight without the beer invovled. I ate none of the edamame appetizer (not because it's bad - it's a ton of protien, simply because I didn't need it). I ate maybe five sushi rolls, they went down amazingly easy - I was scared as I have had two fills and feel pretty good restriction. I made sure to chew well, which I tend not to do with sushi. I didn't even have an issue with the seaweed wrap. It was a delicious meal, I'm ecstatic I was still able to eat it.   From there we went to a couple of other places, where I drank a bit but turned down all food.   Saturday I made an omelet for breakfast - used three eggs. Don't know why I made that much, it was definitely excessive. But I wasn't able to eat it all, I ate just a little over half of it. I ate maybe 4 honey-hot buffalo wings just two hours later. I wasn't actually hungry, so I shouldn't have eaten anything. I realized I never drink water, so I made a point of trying to get in all my water yesterday afternoon. I didn't drink as much as I should, but better than usual. We didn't go for dinner until about 10:00 pm. We went to a sports bar, so not a huge selection for me (I never eat out this much, or at all really - it's one of the perils of travelling). I ended up ordering teriyaki chicken tacos, flour tortillas with chicken, pineapple, lettuce and tomatoes inside with some teriyaki sauce. They brought three, I ate the innards out of two (left the tortilla behind of course). My friend's steak fries looked delicious, but I didn't have a single one.   And that was my weekend. I didn't list the many shots of saki, and the sex on the beach drinks and some terrible green syrupy alcohol on Friday. And the bloody mary and 1.5 margaritas and 2 salty dogs on Saturday. But calories don't count if you drink them, right? Just kidding. I don't usually drink that much - I did avoid carbonation, but I'm sure I took in more sugar this weekend than I have in the past month from the juices and what not in my drinks.   I've now decided to fast for two days. My stomach's been weird and I just think it does a body good to periodically cleanse. I'll drink water (and water only - no flavored water or SOBE or FUZE or Crystal Lite or Gatorade or anything, just straight water) and a cleansing tea (and boy, does it cleanse) until noon on Tuesday. Then I'll rededicate myself to eating right. We'll see if I can do it, it seemed like a fabulous idea when I wasn't remotely hungry this morning - less of a good idea when I decided it was lunch time. I need to get up off my couch and do something productive, downtime still makes me terribly snacky.
laralynn86

laralynn86

1
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