My daughter decided to bake 2 dozen homemade chocolate chip cookies tonight. They are sitting on the countertop, taunting me. Although my husband and daughter are both asleep, and although no one would know if I ate just one, I REFUSE to visit them. I WON'T give in to the temptation. I CAN DO THIS! I am STRONGER than those cookies! Before the band, I would have eaten at least 5 of those cookies with a tall glass of milk. Now, I am so focused, I am avoiding them like the plague. I see so many people on this site that have actually reached and SURPASSED their goals, and I am inspired. I want to be a success story. If I eat the cookie, I WILL KNOW. My band will know. I don't want to disappoint my band. I think I will go to bed now.....
I had my first adjustment today. It didn't hurt a bit, at least not the fill itself. I did find out a few interesting things about the band and about myself:
1. I have a small 10cc band
2. I only had 2 ccs in the band at surgery
3. I MUST have willpower after all since there has been hardly any restriction, yet I have been steadily losing since the surgery
I had an additional 2 ccs added to the band today, and go back in 2 weeks for another adjustment. I still don't feel much restriction, but that doesn't concern me too much.
What DID hurt me is when the nurse told me I had only lost 6 pounds, not the 18lbs I have worked so hard to lose. Say what??? You see, they are using my starting weight from the day of my first consultation, not from my surgery date, as I have been doing. On 9/21/12, I weighed 213. On each subsequent visit, my weight inched up a little more. At my highest recent weight, I was 230. On 12/28/12 (surgery date), after a few days of a liquid diet, I weighed 226, so that has been the starting point I have used.
Even though I know what I have actually lost and the sacrifices I have made since actually going under the knife, I admit it was a little disheartening to have them showing me at a mere 6 lb loss. The disappointment is my fault though. I have nobody but myself to blame. I was on an eating frenzy from the time that I knew I was approved for surgery until a few days before the actual surgery. I know it was the holidays, but that was no excuse. I should have just said no to the carne asada nachos. No to the margaritas. No to the pizza. No to the bbq ribs, peach cobbler, ice cream, and fried chicken.
I didn't say no, though. In a last ditch effort, I made it a point to gorge on all of my favorite foods almost every day before the surgery, and I set myself back 13 pounds in the process. Had I used the willpower and self-control that I have been operating off of for these past few weeks (at 2ccs), I would already be well under the 200lb mark. If only........(sigh).....I can't do anything about the prior indiscretions that caused my self-inflicted setback. Going forward, however, I vow to take every day of this journey seriously. I am DETERMINED to succeed!
My weight has been a constant struggle since the birth of my first child (around 25 years ago). I have been on nearly every diet invented. I have spent thousands of dollars and have pretty much tried some form of all of the diet fads known to man:
-Weight loss pills (Phentermine, Phen-Fen, Cal ban, Metabolife, Healthy Trim, Hoodia, The Amazon Diet, Zendo Dieter's capsules, Green Coffee Bean capsules, etc.)
-Weight Watchers
-Weight loss teas
-HCG injections (spent nearly $1k)
-Medifast, Slimfast, Nutrisystem
-Body wrapping
-Lipo Dissolve (spent around $3k on this)
-Cabbage Soup Diet
-Mayo Clinic Diet
-d**k Gregory Slim-Safe Bahamian Diet
-Grapefruit Diet
-Low Carb Diet
Trust me, I could go on A-L-L-L-L day. I had some successes over the years, but the weight would always come back with a vengeance. I stayed on the prescription diet pills for many years, always concerned that they would affect my organs. I knew I couldn't stay on them forever, but whenever I tried to stop taking them, the weight would pile back on. Around 5 years ago, I managed to get down to around 175. I gave away all of my clothes and vowed that I would NEVER allow myself to go over 200 again. Once again, I got off of the pills, and once again, I regained all of my weight within 2 years.
When I hit 40, NOTHING worked any more. Not even the pills. Since they no longer worked, I got off of them altogether and simply gave up. I ate WHATEVER I wanted, WHENEVER I wanted. I told myself that I work hard, so I shouldn't deny myself of anything that I want, even if what I wanted was carne asada nachos at midnight. I hid behind designer clothes, purses and jewelry to try to draw attention away from my expanding waistline. I'm just being honest. I ballooned up to 230 pounds, which is the most weight I have ever had on my 5'1 frame. I looked and felt miserable. I avoided cameras at all times. I no longer felt attractive to my husband or to myself. My back and knees started bothering me, and I was constantly out of breath. That was when I decided to look into the Lap Band procedure.
Exactly 3 weeks after the operation, I am 16 pounds lighter (20 pounds lighter than my heaviest weight), and I am in a good place. I feel like I finally have hope. I will have my first fill next week, and although I admit I am a bit nervous (especially after some of the posts I have read on here), I am looking forward to my journey towards finding my "sweet spot". I also intend to utilize the gym membership that I am still paying for once my doctor clears me to do so.
This is my story TODAY. I am now 100% committed to this new journey, which is why I finally made the decision to post my picture. I cannot be ashamed of the path that I have chosen to take. If I don't take my journey seriously, who else will??? Today, I choose life. I choose to take my health back. I choose to believe that I have made the right choice for ME, and that the band WILL work for me, as long as I work with the band. I will be drawing upon the strength and support of all of my fellow bandsters here, and will be updating my story periodically as I reach new successes. Feel free to add me as a friend if you wish. There is strength in numbers.
