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New Adventure Begins Today.. Pre-Op Diet

So, perhaps I should have written sooner, but life happens... its been about a month since I found out that I was approved for lap band to gastric bypass revision. And today? I started my pre op diet, and I am hopeful this goes well. Is it weird that I am more nervous about this pre op diet than I am about the surgery?!
beabenitez1978

beabenitez1978

0
 

Grr...

So this week has been a not so great week.. and its only Tuesday!! Anywho the scale is back up.. which annoys me.. but I know, I know - we fluctuate.. so I will take it with a grain of salt. In meantime, cravings for all the bad foods has hit me hard this week.. so I'm trying to behave myself.   With that being said, I decided that since its been nice out, (as long as there is no rain) I will begin to ride my bike. Yes, this big girl actually has a bike. Of course there are two things that worry me a bit, one - I abhor these crazy California drivers.. I mean how can they miss me going down the road? Seriously though, though there are plenty of bike paths near my home, i still worry. Secondly, I hate the idea of being the fat lady on the bike. But I need to vary my workouts right? So who gives a hoot what people think! Right?   And well the next thing? I had a consult with Dr. Troy Lamar about the possibility of having a revision. The upside is that because I have the band, the insurance may not require the 6 month waiting period, the downside is I could get denied. So cross your fingers, toes and eyes for me, and keep me in your prayers because this girl needs the surgery.   Until next time my peeps! Keep strong!!
beabenitez1978

beabenitez1978

0
 

Whoo Hoo!

So today was a pretty good day, no let me rephrase that this weekend was a great weekend! Not only did I get on the scale today and see that number go down (at 320!) but I happened to have the task of cleaning out my closet, something I had been avoiding for a while, and what do I find? Some of the clothes that I had deemed too snug to wear - FIT!!! I haven't felt this kind of victory in a long time. I forgot what it was like, how emotional realizing that progress is being made. I was almost in tears. (silly right? yeah.. I'm a big baby) Anywho, I was running around the house giving my hubby a fashion show!! And there were even some clothes that were too big!! So needless to say it was a motivating experience. Of course I know that not every week will go like this, and I'm ready for that. But this week? Yes, I have renewed motivation and validation that what I am doing is working!
beabenitez1978

beabenitez1978

0
 

Coffee!

So, its been a while since I've been back on the wagon, and its been a little over a week since my first adjustment in a REALLY long time. Things seem to be going well, however with that being said, I've noticed along with my "forcing" myself to drink my required amounts of water for the day, I've also had the incessant need to drink coffee.. its a bit unnerving. Now I have always loved coffee, but it seems these days I've been drinking it more often. Now mind you I'm a black coffee drinker, so its not like I'm even craving the sweet stuff.. but I'm thinking I probably need to slow it down.. I bought a few boxes of teas to try.. I am just wondering what my obsession is all about?
beabenitez1978

beabenitez1978

0
 

My cure for getting this water down? Lemon? Who knew?!

So for all my life, I' admit, I've always "hated" water. Don't get me wrong, I love water, when its 120 degrees outside and I'm dehydrated. However, this can't possibly be good for me, right? If served both coffee and water? Yep.. I take the coffee.. of course when crystal light came out with their single carry packs, I was the girl that would dump that into a nice tall glass of water. Even when it came down to trying "infused" water, it just wasn't for me.   Until this morning. Recently my neighbor had gifted us with an enormous amount of lemons, more than I knew what to do with them. There are only so many I could use, and since I have decided to not eat baked goods of any kind (these are my downfall) No lemon bars, cookies of bread for me. I got online, and realized quickly that there are many people that freeze their lemons, great idea. However I don't have the freezer space for such nonsense. But what do i find? Pure lemon juice ice cubes? WHAT? So this morning, I popped a few cubes out and dropped them into my water bottle. Needless to say this was the first time I found water enjoyable, and could totally drink more!! Sadly, the cubes of that lemony goodness didn't travel with me. I began to wonder what things this lemon water is capable of beside of tempting me to drink more!? Here's what I found!   http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/11-benefits-lemon-water-you-didnt-know-about.html Why lemons? Lemons are packed like a clown car with nutrients, including vitamin C, B-complex vitamins, calcium, iron, magnesium, potassium, and fiber. (Fun fact: they contain more potassium than apples or grapes!) Because of how hard lemon juice can be on the enamel of your teeth, it’s important to dilute it with water of any temperature (though lukewarm is recommended). Drink it first thing in the morning, and wait 15 to 30 minutes to have breakfast. This will help you fully receive the benefits of lemon water, which are listed below. 11 Benefits of Lemon Water 1. Reduces inflammation. If you drink lemon water on a regular basis, it will decrease the acidity in your body, which is where disease states occur. It removes uric acid in your joints, which is one of the main causes of inflammation. 2. Aids digestion. Lemon juice not only encourages healthy digestion by loosening toxins in your digestive tract, it helps to relieve symptoms of indigestion such as heartburn, burping, and bloating. 3. Helps you lose weight. Lemons contain pectin fiber, which assists in fighting hunger cravings. 4. Cleanses your system. It helps flush out the toxins in your body by enhancing enzyme function, stimulating your liver. 5. Keeps your skin blemish-free. The antioxidants in lemon juice help to not only decrease blemishes, but wrinkles too! It can also be applied to scars and age spots to reduce their appearance, and because it’s detoxifying your blood, it will maintain your skin’s radiance. 6. Gives your immune system a boost. Vitamin C is like our immune system’s jumper cables, and lemon juice is full of it. The level of vitamin C in your system is one of the first things to plummet when you’re stressed, which is why experts recommended popping extra vitamin C during especially stressful days. 7. Excellent source of potassium. As already mentioned, lemons are high in potassium, which is good for heart health, as well as brain and nerve function. 8. Freshens your breath. It also helps relieve toothaches and gingivitis (say wha?). Because the citric acid can erode tooth enamel, either hold off on brushing your teeth after drinking lemon water or brush your teeth before drinking it. 9. Gives you an energy boost. Lemon juice provides your body with energy when it enters your digestive tract, and it also helps reduce anxiety and depression. (Even the scent of lemons has a calming effect on your nervous system!) 10. Helps to cut out caffeine. I didn’t believe this until I tried it, but replacing my morning coffee with a cup of hot lemon water has really done wonders! I feel refreshed, and no longer have to deal with that pesky afternoon crash. Plus, my nerves are thankful. 11. Helps fight viral infections. Warm lemon water is the most effective way to diminish viral infections and their subsequent sore throats. Plus, with the lemon juice also boosting your immune system, you’ll simultaneously fight off the infection completely. How much? For those who weigh less than 150 pounds, squeeze half a lemon’s worth of juice into a glass of water. If over 150 pounds, use an entire lemon’s juice. You can of course dilute the lemon juice more, depending on your personal taste. Not only are the benefits of lemon water endless, it’s one of the most substantial yet simple changes you can make for your health.
beabenitez1978

beabenitez1978

0
 

My rant for the day..

So I've been wondering if I am the only one, that has finally realized that I have a problem with food. I'm addicted to it. Sure I have the band (which has been doing a great job since my newest adjustment - down 12 lbs!) But it seems as if I just enjoy food waaaay more than I am supposed to. . Why can't I be "normal" and just eat to live, as opposed to live to eat? So many of my waking hours are consumed with what i am going to eat, when i am going to eat, and how much I'm going to eat. Why can't I eat just enough to sustain life, why do I have the craving to go overboard? Why can't just one or two oreos be enough? Why do I think about eating the entire rack or two? I wish there was a way to fix what goes on inside my head.. until I figure that out.. I think I may just rant about it here.. Thanks for listening..
beabenitez1978

beabenitez1978

0
 

New Year, Renewed Goals

Well since I was last here, which seems so long ago I seem to have not really "moved" anywhere but UP on that scale. However instead of sitting here trying to come up with "excuses" I will just admit to my errors these past few years. A combination of lack of follow ups with my surgeon, "forgetting" to measure the food i eat and not making an effort to just MOVE. It was a few months ago that I knew I needed to get back on track, of course my laziness and lack of motivation took over. It was finally with the beginning of the new year that I decided it was high time to get something done. So last Thursday, which was the 14th, I went in for my first fill since 2013. According to the doc, things looked good, and he wants to see how things go with this adjustment, which puts me at 7.5 cc's . Its funny after all this time I've had to start it all over again, LIke a "newbie", this time though, I am going to give it my best shot, because in the end, I have a tool that works, I just have to work with it..
beabenitez1978

beabenitez1978

0
 

Well Crap..

Well Crap.. yes..I hadn't realized that its been well over a year since my last visit here.. and it seems that I should have been visiting a whole lot more often.. because not only did I fall off the wagon - but I rolled into a raveen that lead to a cliff - and here I am hanging by a mere branch.. with all 340lbs of me.. I can blame no one except myself for the weight gain.. I've gained a total of 43.3 lbs.. I've been completely out of control - and of course recently (within the last 2-3 weeks I've been trying to get back to basics.. I've forgotton how to eat, how to control my poritons, I've forgotten good food choices, and definitely "forgot" the importance of daily exercise/activity - so here I am - trying my best to un-do all that I've done within the last year or so..   Take care my friends..     Just me -   Bea
beabenitez1978

beabenitez1978

1
 

Hola my long lost friends...

Well.. yes.. once again I find myself being unfair to myself - and NOT exactly on the 'wagon' per se.. However - though it totally maybe stress I did happen to lose about 5-7 lbs... so that's something right? Needless to say - I finally made the big move to California.. and well.. I'm telling you.. its been a LOT harder than I imagined... finding a job has been a bit of a struggle.. who knew it was sooo competitive out here.. but then again.. I did say it was going to be all about the adventure huh?! Boy isn't it true.. be careful what you wish for?!   But aside from the stressors in my life - you know.. the no money.. no job.... no family... no friends... I'm still trying to smile.. its not easy to do.. but I'm trying.. I also do get on my scale at least once a week.. just to see where I am.. and its fluctuated up and down since I've been here.. but I've been trying to take in stride... and not allow THAT to stress me out.. because god only knows that finding a job and paying bills are sooo much more important that the number on the scale right?   I do have to report that my first two weeks out here in California - I did visit the beach.. and well leave it to me to go to the beach - um on an OVERCAST day.. yeah... no bueno.. talk about being burnt to a crisp... seriously.. I sooo learned my lesson.. heh heh... since then I've had the pleasure of enjoying the beach life a few weekends.. okay... like 5 out of the 8 weeks I've been here.. I may not have any money.. .but thanks to my family - they driven me to the beach.. (I'm thinking they have no appreciation for the beach.... they don't "get" my obsession with it.. lol)   I've also spent a lot of this "alone" time reflecting on just what I "gave" up.. and perhaps how much I DID NOT appreciate it ... interesting how I came here - on what was basically a "whim" only to be presented with struggles... but I think this whole experience has already taught me somethings.. has taught me that everything is a risk.. and sometimes even when I don't realize it.. I am already so blessed.. because thats one thing I've realized.. plain and simple.. anyway you want to cut it.. whether I'm here in California or in Arizona.. I. AM. BLESSED...   Until next time my friends.. stay blessed..   Just me - Bea
beabenitez1978

beabenitez1978

0
 

Hmm.. yep.. its a Wednesday.. .

Not exactly sure how I am feeling today.. I'm thinking "blah" sums it up.. my tummy hasn't been feeling all that great.. nothing seems appetizing.. and well not much is staying down.. its not a band thing.. I'm thinking its more of a stomach flu kinda thing... grr..   As for the band? Well I had my appointment with Dr. Simpson last Thursday and - well I'm still sitting at 297.5.. bleh.. but at least I didn't gain.. he's pretty confident that I'm in my 'green zone'.. so there was no fill last week... and well he wants to see me yet again this week.. not exactly sure how I feel about that.. I mean that means I have to go through the anxiety that I ALWAYS go through right before a weigh in at the doc's office.. blah!! Of course mind you - I've been working out - and trying my best to eat right.. but still.. I HATE weighing in.. But its just a number right?   In meantime - I've been trying to get my world organized.. getting ready for my move to California.. and let me tell you.. talk about overwhelming.. I have half the mind to chuck everything and just pack the necessities!! But I gotta be smart about it right? Good lord.. change is challenging.. and time consuming..   Anywho - hope all of you out there are doing well and keeping up the good work!! Until next time my friends!
beabenitez1978

beabenitez1978

0
 

Well another day...

Hmm.. I'm not exactly sure how I am feeling... I took a little break from my workouts this past weekend... bad idea.. had to really push myself to start up again.. but happy to report workouts are back on... of course the scale? Yep.. back up... waah.. I am hoping its the whole "woman" thing.. darn I hate this time of month.. its just so discouraging.. wish there was a magic scale that could take in to consideration how much I actually weigh without all the bloating.. Yeah yeah.. TMI right?   In meantime - I'm at a crossroads.. I've began to realize that some of my 'triggers' are a direct result of the anxiety I feel when it comes to my family. I love them.. however I have a feeling my love, my concern for them prevents me from becoming the best that I could be... mentally, emotionally and physically. Granted I can't put the blame all on them.. afterall I am one of those people that take the whole world's problems and make them mine... what am I doing? I've begun to realize that I put my life on hold for the people that I love... so now? I have been thinking seriously for the first time in my life - to be selfish.. I have decided to do what I want for me.. for my life, for my future.. and well whether I fail or succeed - (success is what I am aiming for) I am readying myself for a major move.... To pack up and move to California... Every vacation I take, I never want to come home... is that strange? I feel as if I need a change - not just a physical change - but a LIFE change - a change that the band can't give me...   So tomorrow I do what I've been wanting to do for quite sometime I put in my notice at work.. I'm giving myself until the end of July to get my affairs in order and make my move to California... Where in Cali? Not exactly sure.. I'm thinking I spend sometime close to some long lost family out in Fresno... just far enough away from the craziness that is my family.. but just close enough that if I'm 'missing' having family around it'll be a short drive to see them... Will my Arizona family be happy about it? Doubt it.. will THIS make me happy? I don't know... I just know that change can be good... good for the soul..   I have lots of plans - things I want to do - that perhaps 200lbs ago I would've scoffed at.. exploring the trails at Yosemite, King's Canyon, and Sequoia National Parks.. or having a 3 to 3 1/2 hour drive to San Francisco and experiencing and appreciating the eclectic sights and scenes that the city has to offer.. not being afraid this time around to jump on the city's famous trolleys...Or to have to opportunity to mark off my bucket list of doing a Napa Valley Wine Tour... its those "little" things that I want to enjoy.. the little things that right now I find myself too busy to enjoy.... Can I enjoy those types of little things here in Arizona? Sure I can! (minus the Napa Valley trip..) But my heart tells me that I want to experience more... and I believe I shall start with California.. Wish me luck!
beabenitez1978

beabenitez1978

3
 

Feeling Guilty

Yep... I'm feeling majorly guilty today... yes.. I just finished working out.. I should be happy right? Burned over 500 calories - BUT that doesn't make up for the fact that I was extremely out of control this weekend.. blah... totally didn't follow my eating plan. Granted, I had a wonderful time.. but honestly these 'relapses' aren't going to help me with my goals... I wasn't logging my food and after doing it this morning I so went over my caloric limit on BOTH Saturday and Sunday... of course I did work out on Saturday - so I don't feel so badly about that.. but I am pretty disappointed in my inability to resist temptation...   I have known for a long time that I am addicted to food - especially GOOD food.. and in addition to that - I am also an emotional eater. Face it. I love to eat. But I also know that THIS behavior is also the behavior that got me to 495lbs the first time... so alas - though I made some really poor choices this weekend, looking on the bright side of things? I did get up this morning and kicked butt during my workout.. that's something right?   So I take it one day at a time... and make a personal vow to make good choices in my eating and drinking - TODAY... because I can't do anything about what I did this weekend.. so I move past it...
beabenitez1978

beabenitez1978

2
 

Feeling Pretty Good!!

Yep... can you believe it? I'm back! I'm feeling pretty good today - except pretty sore... but no worries - I stuck to the pre-op diet (no problem there.. and totally avoided temptation!!) AND best of all? Just finished with my workout! Yay!! Actually I got up this morning - forced myself out of bed, did some morning stretches to warm up and then jumped on the bike for a bit and went for a little ride.. That definitely woke me up!! However today at work - I noticed I was still a bit sore (even after doing cool down stretches) so of course I was determined to make sure I got some cardio in... I mixed it up though - I just danced.. heh heh...a bit weird right? Yep right here in my living room.. just turned on the music and danced.. and you know what? I had FUN!! and wow was I sweating... I soooo love Pandora's Latin Workout Radio.. that kept me going for a good 30 minutes and even better? I burned a cool 350 calories whoo hoo!! I love that I made the purchase of a heart rate monitor - at least it gives me an idea of what I am burning - and when I need to step it up or slow it down!   I think for this whole 'exercise thing' to work for me - in addition to keeping myself in a routine of my cardio workouts on the bike and the elliptical along with the weights to tone - I think I will have to have some fun too.. and I'm thinking dancing should do it! It was a bit weird for me (as I've never been a GREAT dancer) but hey.. I'm MOVING this body of mine and enjoying every minute of it... pretty cool... found something new...   Anywho - Just wanted to keep the lapband world out there updated.. Thanks again to all of you who keep me inspired!! Toodles!!
beabenitez1978

beabenitez1978

0
 

Back on the wagon

Yep... I was a little off this past couple of weeks... with my mini vacation - and crazy days at work - I wasn't putting in my exercise - nor my proper eating habits.. and the scaled DEFINITELY shows it.. Yes, lets face it.. I am a bit bummed... but I was talking about it with a co-worker of mine, (who is an avid runner) who reminded me that its okay - its going to happen. She reminded me that yes, I had fun, enjoyed my food (waaaay too much) but now its time to get back to my routine - a routine to a better life... and yes body! So that definitely gave me some motivation to get back to basics...   My eating habits have definitely taken a turn for the worst... I wasn't eating much through the day (my band is tighter in the morning) and so I was just 'surviving' on my coffee... and then? You guessed it.. eating not so great foods in the evening... so now? I'm going back to my pre-surgery menu - liquids and low cal stuff.. and of course I've gone back to logging my food and drink.. this is the ONLY way I know I will make significant progress...   I think the eye opener was this weekend when I went to put on my new favorite pair of jeans, and I couldn't comfortably button them!! haven't had that feeling in a long time... I mean what am I supposed to wear - when I got rid of all my really big clothes ( the only thing I kept was my comfy sweats that I wear when i'm just lounging... can't seem to part with those!!) So of course that was another motivator...   Anywho - I am hoping that just by blogging - (though I am not an active blogger by any means) that I can just keep myself motivated... Until next time!
beabenitez1978

beabenitez1978

3
 

Self Control.. Goodness.. What's THAT? :P

Well kids.. just got home from work and from a little stop at Wal Mart.. I have been struggling lately with the whole eating thing.. (as if it'd be different now that I've got this band huh? Anywho - as I'm sure everyone else also had some struggles with the Holidays this year... whew.. first holidays with the band.. and wow.. talk about tough!! Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if I gained.. boo.. but then again - what was that word? Oh yeah.. Self-control... good lord...not even surgery can give us that!   So I am back on the wagon again.. (although truth be told - I've been eating and craving everything in sight!!) of course you all know what happens when we eat what we arent supposed to.. yup.. upchuck city.. so I made the decision that I'm going back to basics.. I have to... so I've pulled out my pre-op menu and am starting once again on that... and then my plan is to slowly reintroduce 'real' food back into my diet.. I think this will help 'remind' me that my stomach isn't what it used to be - and even though I'm eating less - I can not be eating the types of food that I used to..   So I stockpiled on my protein powders again, replenished my supply of vitamins and supplements and yes even cleared my kitchen of all those "forbidden" foods... huh.. how did they get back in there in the first place?! I blame the cat... heh heh.. oh wait.. I don't have a cat... Darn.. well far be it for me not to take responsibility... although truth be told.. I hate to take the blame in this case.. ah well yep... its the nature of the beast... time to develop and exercise my self-control.. afterall I got this far didn't I?   So I think for today I did fairly well.. aside from the fact that I didn't exercise like I should have.. but alas tomorrow is another day... Lets see how I do this month shall we? Yes.. I'm a bit excited about the prospect... afterall even though these past 10 months since the surgery - I've only lost a total of 50+ lbs.. I did manage to fulfill my short term goal.. get back into wearing high heels.. (granted they're only 2.5 inch heels - but heels nonetheless and I bought my first pair of boots.. Yeah baby.. Huh.. I just realized I don't have a goal for this year.. Hmm... gotta start thinking about that one.. Yep - this year can only get better right?
beabenitez1978

beabenitez1978

0
 

Where do I start? Really?

Well really as the title says where do I start? Its been almost 10 months since my surgery - and I've got to say - time has flown by - and though progress has been slow... its still progress...   I've also learned a lot since last March... about the band, about me and about the relationships I have.. who would have thought that getting the band could impact ALL aspects of my life? I mean yes - we've all read about how the band impacts not only our health - physical and mental -but it impacts our relationships - to food, to people, to clothes, to ourselves..   I suppose I've been naive to the whole thing.. and haven't really taken a hard look at myself (lets face it - looking at myself was NOT something I wanted to do) but hey it has to be done eventually right?! Now don't mind me if I start to ramble here.. but wait.. its my blog right? ha ha... kidding.. but seriously...   See.. it was in 2008 - that I started this journey... when the Lap Band was merely a 'fantasy' for me... I was at my highest weight - 495lb... and wearing a 30-32W pants size... I knew I was fat... I had known that all my life.. being the 'big girl' was nothing new.. but this was different... I was having trouble with my health, with even doing the easiest of things... getting out of bed in the morning, or shopping? Yeah.. lets say even Lane Bryant no longer 'fit' me right.. but it was one week before my birthday in 2008 that I had the scare of my life...   I hadn't been feeling well at all - but I had ignored it.. afterall I was such the 'non-compliant' patient... I was a diabetic - who didn't take the prescribed meds, nor did I check my blood sugars - and eating right? YEAH RIGHT... anywho - one morning I was in severe pain, weak, and vomiting... my neices were the ones that convinced me to go to the hospital.. and from the Emergency Room I was admitted directing into the hospital.. where I stayed for two and a half weeks... the diagnosis? Early Renal Failure... really? Me? I wasn't even 30 years old yet.. I didn't understand it.. and that's when the Doc came in and 'yelled' at me... letting me know that my kidneys were shutting down... due to uncontrolled diabetes.. he yelled at me about my weight... he yelled about me not caring about my life... This was so very far from the truth... because I did care... didn't I?   After spending those two weeks in the hospital - being completely furious with my Doctor - i realized he was right - this was the first time in my life that my health kept me from work.. I realized that he was right - dialysis was a certainity if I didn't make changes... So it was then - when I was released from the hospital that I decided that I needed a change... When I walked out of that hospital - I was taking approximately 15 pills a day and 2 shots of insulin a day... I weighed 495lbs, had high blood pressure and my A1C was a 13..so my daily blood sugar on average was over 330...   Flash-Forward....Its 2011 - and here I am... I am now 130lbs lighter - give or take... and still - I don't see a HUGE difference... is that wierd? but what I do notice is those 2 shots and 15 pills a day I was taking? Nope.. no more... only pill I was taking was a multi vitamin... THAT was success enough for me... but I was still considered Morbidly Obese... and there were some family issues that came up... that woke me up.. my weight was a contributing factor to increased risks for the Cancer that was affecting so many in my family... I HAD to do something more... Diabetes and high blood pressue were not the only enemies I had to fight...   As 'luck' would have it - the company I work for changed insurance plans - and it was then - during a benefits meeting I realized that the Lap Band Dream - was now an option.. REALLY? So there I went... I met with Dr. Simpson for the first time in October of 2011.. after our first consultationn - it was a go - now the only issue was to get approved by insurance... and from what I heard - getting approved was to be a 'bear' to deal with... and it was.. no lie.. they wanted EVERYTHING... letters from my primary care provider, 5+ years of medical records, proof that I indeed had co-morbidities... Of course at first glance these requirements looked daunting... but in reality - it wasn't at all - for I met all those requirements - EASILY.. which in this sense.. was quite sad....   The letter my primary care provider wrote? That in itself was an eye opener... She had gone back - way back in my medical records - and found that at age 12 I was diagnosed as Obese... really?! What happened? and then she tracked from that point all those other little issues that came up.. Asthma, Chronic Lower Back Pain... and then at age 15? Diagnosed with High Blood Pressure?! and then at 23 years of age diagnosed with Diabetes? I had ignored all this... This letter had proved to be yet another eye-opener - one that reminded me that yes - I had made progress - but I could indeed become a better version of myself... a healthier version.   So in less than a week after submitting all the needed information to the insurance company - that's right - I got the call.. APPROVED... So after much trial and error in scheduling - I finally had my surgery on March 20th, 2012...   So now? That we're in the present day? Its been 10 months since my surgery... and since the surgery - I've lost just over 50lbs... see what I mean? SLOW going... but its going right? But somehow I feel like I should have made more progress.... Dr. Simpson always reminds me that this "is not a race, its a marathon".. REALLY? Ugh.. I have no patience... but he's right.. it took me a good while to gain the weight - so its going to take me time to lose it as well..   My struggles of late has been to realize that success can not be measured by the numbers on the scale.. (however lets be honest kids... it matters...) Shopping has been fun.. I mean for the first time in my life - I can fit into 1X and 2X tops - and the cool thing is I've finally made it into a size 20W pants... really? YAY me.. but even with all those little successes.. why am I finding myself not so happy with everything? Why am I finding myself less confident than when I was 495lbs, why am I finding that my relationships aren't as stable as I thought? Is it me or them? Who is the insecure one? Why is it that when I look in the mirror - I don't see the new me - but I see the old Bea... the 495lb one... why is it that when I shop - I still attempt to dress myself in the shrouds of clothing I was so used to... why is it that wearing clothes that actually fit... is uncomfortable and unsettling for me... and what about the changes to my body? the flabby skin? Yes.. I was well aware of the 'side effects' of the surgery - but I want my old body back somedays... at least it was full and somewhat firm... but now? this flabbiness? especially the arm flab.. baah... or lets talk a little about the undue attention I receive now.. THAT's different... however... I'm the same person I was when I was 495 lbs... why all of sudden are they paying attention now? so now - I wonder who's really interested in the me... the real me - the me inside... because somedays it seems that my appearance is all that matters to 'them'...   But really ... why am I complaining? This is what I wanted right? and I have to take the good with the bad... so for now? I just take a day at a time... And I think I've caught you up... so until another day my new friends.. take care, be good to yourself and to others... and remember... "A Day Without Laughter is a Day Wasted"...   Just me - Bea
beabenitez1978

beabenitez1978

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