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About this blog

My band journey, the good the bad and the gorgeous

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Here We Go - Life, Part 2.

Hi, to anyone who's listening. I'm 45 year old New Yorker, newly separated, a Mom of 2, and about to embark on a terrifying adventure...lap band surgery.   I have been chubby all my life. Never the biggest girl in the room, but certainly the girl next in line after her. Fortunately I have always had enough personality to pull it off without suffering a lot of the discrimination I have seem others suffer. Despite my weight I've become a successful doctor and author and have appeared on many many TV shows talking about what I love most, my field of Psychiatry. There is not a time I see myself on TV that I don't wonder, "wasn't there some skinny little Kelly Rippa shaped Shrink available?" Obviously they like what I have to say enough to overlook the limitations on camera angles a girl my size demands. I am flattered. And when Mehmet calls you don't say no.   I didn't always mind being big. I come from a family of overweight people who love themselves and carry out fruitful productive happy lives. My parents are both very overweight but smooch each other like newlyweds. I never believed being fat meant you didn't deserve to be loved, or that any doors would close because of your weight, unless of course you wanted to be a ballet dancer or a model, and I did not.   Then a few years ago I hurt my back lifting my then 3 year old daughter who had had a classic 3 year old middle of the crosswalk throw down in which you either sweep her up or let her be run over by a bus. I chose the former. Really I had no choice. That moment was the beginning of the end. My daughter lived but my painfree life ended. A herniated disc. No amount of PT could make it get better. Eventually I needed surgery. Surgery didn't help. Now I need another surgery. There is not a day when my actions are not severely limited by pain. But don't worry, I'm not here to be a drag and write about depressing stuff. I want solutions. And I'm pretty sure that no matter what they can or can't do to my back, it would certainly help if I lost 50 lbs.     Then there's the sad status of my relationship. When I look back on my 10 year relationship I realize that in many ways I allowed a bad situation to brew. When my spouse was working all the time and always late, missing family events and blowing off birthdays this voice inside me was furious. But somehow I rationalized that if I was the trophy wife I was supposed to be I would have had more power to make demands. Instead everything I said seemed to fall on deaf ears. With no cuddle or kindness to look forward to at the end of a hard day I could at least count on the sensual delights of a delicious dinner. In many ways the weight was my friend: When the affection stopped altogether the only thing that kept me faithful was my weight.   Over the years I have tolerated a lot of treatment that I believe I would not have stood for had I not had a weight problem. Even things like my spouses smoking, which I hated, I felt I couldn't put my foot down about, because here I was with this uncontrollable behavior as well. There were a lot of things I didn't demand for fear my spouse would demand I lose weight, and I knew I couldn't.   I'm tired of feeling like I can't have a voice. I'm tired of not being able to participate fully in my daughters life. I'm tired of feeling like the time in life to travel and hike and camp and kayak is past. I'm tired of wearing clothes that do not reflect who I am because someone thinks fat people like to wear rayon smocks with no style. I'm tired of having to lie down to rest my aching back when my head is full of dreams and plans and my heart is itching to participate. I'm tired of getting ready for a date wondering wondering what abominable personality trait, mole, tail, wart cult whathaveyou etc I will have to endure in exchange for their willingness to deal with my weight.   So a few months ago I walked alone into a NYU lap band info session and I learned something. I thought the band was just basically a way of training you to eat less because you barf if you don't. There I learned that the band actually acts to trigger fullness nerves so that you feel satisfied eating less. That sounded awesome.   Because as a physician I know a lot about Nutrition and Healthy eating. I am expert at making healthful meal plans for my fussy 7 year old who is underweight...but who I'm determined to not have develop bad eating habits. I've been going to Weight Watchers since the Ice Age but I can't eat that little!!! I know what a normal portion looks like, but damned if I feel satisfied after eating that little. Lap Banded folks say that the band really changes their relationship to food, that they are able to eat just a half a cup a few times a day and feel satisfied. This is incomprehensible to me. But man, it sounds awesome.   So this fall I'm getting banded. My BMI is too low to get my insurance to pay for it. My choice is gain 17 lbs, qualify, then spend 6 months of supervised weight loss...or spend the whole $20K I've been able to save since my divorce and starting over...and Ive decided to just do this one big expensive indulgent crazy ass thing for myself. I'm going for it. I'm not going to Mexico. I'm going to NYU, the best place I know of in the neighborhood where I live because from now on I want no compromises on my happiness. I'm tired of making the budget work by taking away from what I need. I need my life back. I do this, and by next summer imagine who I can be?!   My ex seems excited by the prospect of the skinny me, but doesnt know that I have plans for a personality makeover for that skinny girl. Second Chance Sally is going to be much more demanding, much less charming, much less acquiescent than the girl I used to be. Fat me was a people pleaser, a giver, the one who didn't complain. The old me really cared what people thought, really wanted people to like her. Second Chance Sally is going to speak her mind, stand her ground, demand her due and do it all wearing Desigual. Second Chance Sally is getting skinny before her kid has the chance to notice she's fat and be ashamed of her.   SCS, as I like to call the new me, is so not psyched about sliming and PBing and yet more surgeries, but I'm cleaning out my storage space and for once I am not saving all those sizes I no longer fit into. Even though this might be the first chance I've had to get back into those sizes. NOPE. If in fact I do get down to those new sizes I am going SHOPPING for some new things. A new start.   Will you join me for the ride?
secondchancesally

secondchancesally

7
 

Crazy To Be Dating Pre-Op?

I really dont have much to report except that I'm in this weird holding pattern...nervous...excited...feeling prepared. My drawers are filled with my current size 18 which is really too tight but I am not going shopping now! Instead I stocked my drawers with stuff from storage that is the next two sizes down...Stuff I haven't worn in a while but am excited to!   I also applied for 3 credit cards because, even though I have the cash saved for the surgery, I WANT THOSE MILES! No one credit card has a high enough limit and I've gotten some great sign on bonuses going on that will give me extra points for spending/charging in the first 3 months, Won't they be surprised when I charge up a $18K surgery! Its going to be a points extravaganza!   Another interesting detail. I have been dating, and after 12 years of marriage its pretty weird. Since I'm a working Mom I dont have a lot of free time, so internet dating it is. So I recently went out with a guy I really liked. The emails and texts were witty and out first date lived up to my expectations. He was adorable, creative, expressive...we stayed out til 1 AM just talking. Then NOTHING. I was so sad. I had really thought he liked me. I assumed it had to be because of my weight. I just assumed. Because, well, I guess that's what we do. I'm certainly not perfect, but my weight has always been my go to insecurity. It is my most obvious flaw.   Finally my friend Michelle said, "you idiot, text him, dont just assume". I kind of feel that a guy should make the move so this went against my usual protocol, after all I had sent the last text and it was his "turn" to respond.   Turns out he was so glad I texted. He had heard me say I had a really busy week and assumed that was me saying I dont have time. He couldn't believe I had been thinking that he didn't like me. He had assumed I dodn't like HIM. He proceeded to lavish me with reassurance about how much he liked me and how attracted to me he was. WOW. How nice was that? So here I was being so insecure about my weight that I almost didnt reach out.   I was so glad to have had that experience pre op. I know that once I/we lose weight there will be alot more attention and alot more confidence...but its nice to go into this surgery feeling that I'm ok as is...you know what I mean? I wouldn't want to face post banded life and wonder if all the people I date would have dated me "before".   I promise to post during my 2 week pre op, its going to be interesting getting through my daughters Bday and my own on a liquid diet. If you tend to just read these and not post I want to encourage you to share. I sign on every day and I need to see new posts. i dont know why. It really helps me. I'm newly divorced and its very strange to not have my ex to share all this everyday info with...so thanks everyone for being there for me.
secondchancesally

secondchancesally

3
 

Top Ten Things I'm Hoping For Once I Am Banded

I remember as a kid lying in my back on a towel by the pool in a bikini. Reeking of coconut, my skin slathered with hawaiian tropic no SPF orange tinted oil, I noticed that if I looked down my body (past my flat chest and past my flat belly) that my hip bones held my swimsuit away from my body affording a view all the way down. At age 9, this seemed like a problem. I remember sticking out my belly and pulling a towel across me. That's a problem I wouldn't mind having right now.   There are nights when I stay up til all hours reading posts on Lap Band Talk and feeling so afraid that I will be the one who has a slip, who needs another surgery, who cheats my band and fails to lose weight. I know that many people who get this surgery dont get to goal. I have been to support groups where people talk about hating eating because they cant keep anything down no matter what their fill. I have seen people who are years and years out who just can't lose and I can't imagine why I should be so lucky as to not wind up in their shoes. I guess the idea of being slim is inconceivable to me after all these years. I haven't been lean since I was about 10 and I took it so for granted I forgot to take note of what it felt like to walk around in your underpants without a shred of cellulite or a shred of self consciousness.   But I have made a decision to move forward with this surgery despite my considerable fears and I need to keep my eye on the prize. Most of those people at the support group meetings, even the ones who can't keep anything down, still say they don't regret having had the surgery for a minute. So I have made a list of 10 things I'm hoping for once I get the band, and I'm happy to say none of them include anything about protruding hip bones, though I wouldn't mind seeing mine again:   1)I have had surgery to remove a herniated disc but still have a lot of back pain. I want my back pain to improve. 2)I want to be able to bend and pick up my 2 year old, carry her, change her, dress her, clean up after her with ease. ( who's kidding who, its never easy to pick up after a year old, but I'd settle for easier) 3)I want to have more endurance when walking and carrying things without back pain so I can go places, set up a tent, carry my bags, walk for miles etc ( I am 45 after all and although I have a herniated disc I hear that losing weight will really help). I want to plan a trip and not be afraid I'll spend most of it resting my aching back. 4)OK, time to bring on the vanity points, I want to shop at Desigual, and Lucky and wear clothes that reflect my personal style. I know, its totally petty, but hey... 5)I want to be able to strip off the clothes I am wearing from Desigual and Lucky and feel good about myself naked 6)I want to know that, although I may and likely will embarrass my daughters for hundreds of reasons, being overweight wont be one of them. 7)I want to lay in bed at night and breathe easily not just because my weight is no longer pressing on my throat but also because I dont feel like a time bomb ticking as I gain more and more weight 8)When someone puts their arm around me or asks me to dance, I want to not have to worry if their hand is on chub or not. 9)I want to know that I took charge of my life so that I wouldn't face the inevitable fate of my overweight family. I feel like I've been swept on a raft on the rapids and I want to grab an oar and navigate back to a place where I am in control. 10)I want to wear a skirt and not have to worry about the "chub rub" that us bigger girls get. Man, it has been years since I could wear a dress without bike shorts underneath!   OK, that's a great start. I'm proud of the steps I took today. If I keep putting one foot in front of the other I will get there. Thanks for walking along with me.
secondchancesally

secondchancesally

4
 

Had My Intake At Nyu Today And Got My Surgery Date!

What a day of ups and downs. I went back and forth between excited and terrified so many times I didn't know if I was coming or going. The day started at 2pm with an intake with a skinny pretty nutritionist in a little black dress. I kept having to force myself to be honest because the way she asked all the questions made me feel pretty bad about he way I eat.   Next I met my Nurse Practitioner, Frankie. He's the guy who does the fills. He answered a lot of questions I had about erosion rates and what to expect. He was adorable, very charming and friendly and really put me at ease. He encouraged me to come in monthly regardless of how I was doing. I have a feeing I'll be seeing a lot of him.   Finally I met with Dr Ren. I questioned her about being a low BMI bandster and wanted to know what she thought my outcome would be. It turns out she did a study of low BMI patients and found that 1 out of I think 48 failed the band and had it removed due to not tolerating the lifestyle changes. 1 was lost to follow up. And all the others reached their goals. We discussed how I currently eat and I told her that I currently always eat 3 meals a day. She said that might be an obstacle to me. Once I had the band, she explained, I might not need to eat that often. She shared that she eats only once a day. (no wonder she's so skinny - let me tell you it is a rare woman that can rock those surgical scrubs) She suggested I try to loosen up my beliefs about how much food/protein people "need" and said that we as a culture tend to think we need way more food, protein and water than we actually do and this leads us to eat more than we need. She was nice and helpful and answered all my questions. I mean, she has done thousands of these so I know I'm in good hands. But still its the patients, not the doctor that are going to reassure me.   So that night from 6-8 I attended a support group at NYU for people banded in the last 12 months. In addition to the social worker who leads the group there were 5 people, 3 women and 2 men. One woman had been banded for 5 years and had lost 150 lbs. She described how she no longer needed her apnea machine or her medications for a variety of health problems that had since resolved. Everyone was such an inspiration. I was surprised to hear people say that they were discouraged with their weight loss when they had just gotten done saying they had lost 40 lbs in 4 months. I guess no one wants to JUST lose weight...people want to get THIN.   It was also interesting to hear the guys speak about their food struggles. I always find guys are so much more forthright about their bad eating habits than we women who tend to have more shame and therefore be more private/sneaky whatever you care to call it. Everyone in the room, even those struggling to get the outcome they wanted, admitted that he band was the best thing they ever did and they don't regret it for a moment. THAT was very reassuring. I exchanged emails with 2 women and they promised to attend the next support group, which will be just a few days before my surgery.   I topped off my long day, in addition to writing a reallllly big check, with a loooong phone call to my folks. I decided my Mom will be my surgery day buddy. They are both very overweight and I think this surgery freaks them out, but they are there for me 100%   I have a few weeks left before I have to start liquids. So I'm just starting to think about what I need to stock in my house. I will be celebrating both my birthday (46!!) and my daughter's 2nd birthday during my liquids phase. Also I'll be joining my parents for a yearly convention we like to attend that is unfortunately characterized by these big dinner buffets. I have decided to celebrate my Bday early so I can have a piece of cake and not violate my 2 weeks of liquids. I also plan to not accompany my family to the big buffets dinners - instead maybe I'll check out the outlets and shop for my daughters. That way I wont have to smell food when I'm starving. On my bday wish list is a little portable blender, and a smaller crockpot because mine is the size you use to make enough stew for the whole congregation. Hahaha.   It's time to pack away the summer clothes and take out the Fall stuff. I'm very tempted to give away all my big summer clothes as a vote of confidence. What do you think?
secondchancesally

secondchancesally

2
 

So Today I Had A Great Talk With My 7 Year Old, About Lap Bands...

Did I mention it took place in the shower? So tonight while showering together my daughter mentioned to me that she sometimes sneaks out of bed at night and notices her other parent sneaking a smoke on the terrace. This led to a conversation about why people smoke and why people sneak. At 7 she understands that smoking is an addiction and that many people, despite wanting to stop, just can't find the willpower to do so. In order to curb her disdain, I pointed out that we all are working on things about ourselves, trying to be better. Next thing I know this conversation I had been dreading for months was just happening. Naked. But happening.   I explained that I was working on losing weight because I wanted to be healthier and have more energy. I explained how when we eat too much, our bodies store the extra as fat. And as far as I was concerned, I had more fat stored than I would ever need. Bless her cute little self, she screwed up her little face in an expression of confusion, looked me up and down, and said, "where?"   "Well, here, and here..." I replied pointing out my belly, my butt. She then asked me to turn around, which I did, but definitely starting to think this was spiralling out of control. "You look pretty", she replied, to which I said, "Oh my god I have to clone you"...No I didn't say that, but I thought it. So I went on to explain that for me, carrying around all the extra weight was like her having to carry her backpack when it had too much stuff in it. We recalled the times she didnt want to run an errand after school because she just had too much stuff in her backpack. So far so good.   That's where we hit a wall. Because my daughter is a skinny girl. She's never hungry. I wake up ravenous. Se smells food and it usually smells "gross". I smell food when I'm not hungry and suddenly I AM hungry. She forces herself to eat because she "wants to get this meal done already" whereas I...well you get the picture. So her response was, "just eat less". I explained to her that I was trying, but that I was having a hard time eating as little as I needed to because heavier people are often hungrier than other people. I went on to tell her that there was an operation that I could have that could make my stomach smaller and then I would be less hungry.   Silence in the shower.   Then she said this, "I'm glad I'm skinny because I would hate to have to have an operation". This was my fear. So of course we talked about exercise and portions and healthy eating and I pointed out all the ways that she was really good at that. I noticed and praised how she doesnt eat when she's not hungry and how she knows she's gotta get her protein in first, and how good she is at knowing when she's had enough. (she is a master at having a few bites of ice cream and leaving the rest). And by then it was time to dry off and read a story and I told her how excited I was because I was about to try something new. I explained how excited I was to be able to bike and run and walk and explore more with her.   I didn't tell her that I am also excited to model healthy eating for her. I hope she keeps her healthy eating habits. Someday I'd like to take her out for ice cream and BOTH of us can eat a few bites and leave the rest.
secondchancesally

secondchancesally

3
 

Putting A Bad Day Behind Me

My intake with my surgeon is Sept 19th. But before I can get my Lap Band I need to stabilize the situation with my spine. I had surgery a few years ago for a badly herniated disc but recently found that I still have a chunk of disc pressing against a nerve and causing problems. It's likely I will need another surgery. But its also likely that the surgery wont help. In order to decide if surgery is a good idea or not, my doctor wanted to try another steroid injection. It will be my 5th. So far none of them has helped. But this new surgeon isn't comfortable proceeding until he demonstrates that non surgical approaches have failed. I feel like I'm humoring him, or humoring the insurance company. My hopes were not high.   So yesterday was the day for that. I worked in the morning and then went to the hospital in the afternoon. My doctor needed to use anesthesia to place the injection correctly in my spine. So yesterday was a big stressful day of going through the OR suite intake, getting an IV, waiting and waiting and waiting, being wheeled into the OR, waking up in recovery feeling like hell. You know the drill.   I woke up from that procedure and looked around at the other people in recovery for orthopedic procedures. I was the youngest person in the room by a good 15 years. My oxygen was pronging me in the nose, my paper gown was ripped and soaked, my surgical bonnet was slipping down my forehead. All my wires and tubes made me feel like I was tied up in knots. I had to go to the bathroom, but wasn't even sure I could stand. I was simultaneously grateful that my ex had accompanied me and resentful that I had no one else to rely on. Tears filled up my eyes. "This was not supposed to be my life".   Now, normally I am a gratitude girl and in a moment like this I would start acknowledging everything I had to be thankful for: Other people are dealing with cancer after all, I have a (hopefully) solvable medical problem, I have insurance to pay for it, I have people to support me, I have 2 kids who love me... But yesterday none of that worked. All I could think was that tons of people my age have never had surgery while I have had general anesthesia 10 times in the past 7 years. Between a complicated pregnancy that left a trail of wreckage in its wake and a back surgery gone awry, I have seen the inside of an OR more times than most have to in a lifetime.   I'm a doctor myself, so I can't engage in too much doctor bashing. But I have had really bad luck with surgeries. My body literally exploded giving birth to my daughter. After 2 bladder repairs with that mesh that you keep seeing in the malpractice late night ads, I'm still not right. The back surgery was a beast and never relieved my pain. And here I was on a glorious last day of summer smelling antiseptic and wondering what if anything I might do to rejoin the ranks of the living and stop being such a PATIENT.   Hopefully that something will be my lapband surgery. Although my 50 lb weight loss may not be big enough to justify the procedure to my insurance, I'm really hopeful that it will help my back, help my incontinence, relieve my pain, help me be a better parent, and help me stop feeling like a professional patient. But yesterday none of that helped. I guess it was a day for crying. All night I tossed and turned. I watched TV. I turned off the TV. I turned on the TV again. I cried some more. Finally at 6AM I got up and walked my dog. As I put on her leash I waited to see if that terrible stabbing back pain wouyld be there when I bent down. Yup. Still there. As always, these injections in the spine don't do much. But at least I have a plan.   It's me vs that 50 lbs. You've gotta have hope. Maybe what I can do for myself will be better than what my doctors have been able to do for me.   Thanks for sharing my crappy tearful day. Onward...
secondchancesally

secondchancesally

1
 

Holy $%@! I Made My First Appointment!

So today I called Dr Ren's office and scheduled an intake. YIKES! Considering it's $250 for the nutritionist and $475 to see her this is a big step! I am self pay and recently separated and the $20K I need is pretty much all I have. But I think its actually a very positive step to be really putting myself first. It feels very self indulgent, but in a good way. Its been a long time since Mommy really looked out for #1.   CHEW CHEW CHEW So since we are sharing, here's my new weird pre- band surgery behavior: When I sit down to eat, I try to eat like a bandster. I realize that if we COULD eat like a bandster, we wouldnt have to get banded, right? But still, I want to see what its like to take tiny bites and chew chew chew and to not be able to drink fluids when I eat, or eat bread, or eat dry tough things. The first thing I notice is that once I am banded I am going to have to eat alone for a while. Why? I am very social and I talk all the time and I realize when I am out with other people there is no way I can chew the way I'm going to need to chew and maintain any semblance of a conversation. It seems like learning to eat with this band is going to be a huge learning curve. Does it ever become second nature I wonder?   TELLING OTHER PEOPLE So far I have told 5 people I am planning to be banded. My ex is supportive and thinks it will give me added health and help my back problems. My parents are both quite overweight and have considered the band but are unwilling to make the dietary sacrifices the band would necessitate. They really like food, as do I, and the prospect of only being able to eat a half cup of food is, even for me, a bit impossible to consider. My dad pointed out that if one is determined one can actually lose a lot of weight. He recently had hip replacement surgery and lost 50 lbs beforehand in an attempt to decrease his surgical risk. I was really proud of him. I have never lost 50 lbs dieting, but somehow I know that if I did, I would likely be no different than the 99% of people who do so and then gain it back again. My parents are supportive, but I think it makes them sad that, as they say, I have to do something "so extreme" to lose weight. Nonetheless they are contributing some cash to the mix and I know they are in my corner no matter what. My brother is skinny and a marathon runner and has more discipline than anyone I know. He suggested that before I try surgery maybe I should make a chart of my weight and the date and put it on my wall so that when I gain a few pounds I can get on it right away. Oh if only... Finally I told one of my girlfriends. But I told her in a text. She had absolutely no reply. Which is in and of itself a reply. She has recently lost 20 lbs taking some kind of hormone drops in grain alcohol and eating 800 calories a day. I tried it, but man, THAT didn't agree with me. For now, I don't want to waver in my decision and I don't want to have to defend my choice so I'm not telling anyone else.   WHAT TO TELL MY DAUGHTER I do realize though that I have to say something to my 7 year old daughter who will ask a million questions and want to know all the details. There's no way I am going to be able to chew and change my eating habits without her noticing and asking a million questions, so even if I am evasive about what the surgery was for (Mommy has had quite a bit of surgery so she's used to that) she's still going to have questions. Have any of you shared with your kids that you got banded? How did you share?   In general, I have always felt that when we share our struggles, whether about addictions or life challenges, with our kids, they have the chance to watch an adult overcome. They know that not everything comes easy. They know that you can fail and fail and fail and finally overcome. They know that sometimes you have to ask for help. For these reasons I am inclined to be honest with her. But I also feel that to lose a non-surgical struggle with weight is a lot for a 7 year old girl to process. I dont want her to get neurotic about food because she is afraid she too may have to have an operation. (Incidentally she is actually underweight because she is a very very picky eater, but she is nonetheless at that impressionable age when girls start to take note of messages about weight and size and appearances, and I want her to incorporate a healthy message. If she walked away thinking that being overweight is such a terrible thing that you have to have a painful operation, I will have failed as a mom. I have always tried to instill in her the idea that no matter what our size or appearance we all deserve love and respect. I have tried to teach her to love herself whether she is a size 2 or a size 20. Is my surgery giving her a mixed message?   I appreciate any thoughts you might have.
secondchancesally

secondchancesally

1
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