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Chronicles of Anew77

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Moderation Isn't For Me!

I was having lunch with another individual, who is currently having succes with changing the way she eats and exercise, and she was enjoying a slice of cheesecake and she says "everything in moderation". Now, she is not aware that I'm in the process of getting WLS, but I did respond to her by saying " maybe for you but not me", which led to a heated debate. I have a serious pet peeve. I hate, yes, I said hate, when someone tries to tell me what I'm able to do or not do. You can make assumptions, but we all know what happens when you ASS U ME! I don't do MODERATION! If I was capable of moderation, I wouldn't be more than 100 lbs overweight. I've heard the comments, opinions over the years, even I have fallen for it, "You have to have" or " you need to have", " a little can't hurt". Food is my addiction...no,that's not right, chocolate, baked goods, fast foods, etc are my addiction and it's killing me... Why should I have these things in moderation? ..... Let me put it this way... Someone suffering from alcoholism, his/hers addiction of choice is wine, would you say to her/him " a little wine in moderation?".... I'm betting you will think that person was cruel, well that's what's it's like for me. I don't do a slice of cheesecake, I eat the WHOLE cheesecake. I don't eat scoop of ice cream, I eat the WHOLE container. I don't do the combo meal, I do the combo meal with starter, supersize and dessert. Now do you get it!..... Silence.... Just have some control, willpower, you need food to live!.... ** Sigh** ... Yes, I need food to live, but do I need that time of food? .....nope....So you are going to cut out all that food for the rest of your life....gasp....yeah, it's not going to be easy and I will have some idiot,I mean well meaning individual, who will try to encourage me to "try" something....but I will have to refuse, why? The day I get over my addiction, it will be a struggle to maintain because unlike cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, people feel that it can't hurt you in moderation, so it's offered and offered, and feelings get hurt when you refuse, but I'm just one of those people where moderation does not work. Side note, I smoked cigarettes for 10 years, 2 packs a day and was a solid chain smoker. When I was given the ultimatum by partner to quit or he goes, I couldn't do it alone. I failed cold turkey, I failed the nicotine patch... What worked is a pill called Champix( in French)... I took it for 2 weeks out of the 12 weeks and I never look back. I've been a non-smoker going into 5 years. Some people can do it on their own, I need help.Words have power, I'm currently changing the way I eat for my goal is to eliminate those foods from my diet. I'm aware of the journey ahead of me. I'm aware that the lap band will not eliminate my demons. I'm aware that I will be seeing someone about my addictions and I'm aware that most society will see my use of " food addiction" an "insult" to "real" addictions but I couldn't given a rats @$&?, because moderation will kill me.
Anew77

Anew77

8
 

Lack Of Support From Family Md

I've known my family physician for 20 years and he's the MD of my parents and my brother. He's the one who mentioned WLS, in passing the last time I saw him. Well today I had a follow up with him and I mentioned I was having the Lap Band and he was little annoyed with me. Firstly, before I had stated that I wanted the Lap Band, I told him I was considering WLS which he supported, but he wanted me to have Gastric Bypass. Faster weight lost and it's better for the morbidly obese... Crap, am I morbidly obese? He said the Lap Band are for those individuals who have under 100 pounds to lose... Really?.....So I brought out my research;)... His response: I've forgotten that you love to read.... After, he heard my arguments and my points, he then proceeded to tell me that I can have it done free in Quebec since our provincial insurance pays for it.... I found out this lately but there's a waiting list of 2-3 years...not interested..... He's upset with me because he does not know the MD, so I provided him the name and the phone number to call him, which I know he will never do, he's too busy.... However, he seemed a little irked with me, but, stated he hope I do well, but the failure rate is high... Sigh...I literally had to remind him with any WLS, failure is an option if you do not change your lifestyle, which he agreed, we then ended with if I'm planning to have kids and I realized that this man has been part of my family for too long, my mother is rubbing off on him... Anyways, I remind him not to say anything to my mother, which pissed him off further since, he mumbled he is a doctor and patient confidentiality.... But just to be sure.... So now I have more motivation... A Lil surprise for my MD at my 1 year check up;)
Anew77

Anew77

5
 

Preparation

I'm constantly reviewing the boards on information about the Lap Band procedure pre, post and maintenance. I look at the success stories/pics to give me motivation and I read the newsletter and magazines. I will even add that I'm a member on 2 other Lap Band forums but this is the only one that I blog on. I guess because it was my first and to be honest I find there's more information here. My surgery is the 07th November but because of my assignment, I need to get all my pre-op done now for I will not have any time later, so today I order my two weeks of protein shakes. I'm fortunate cause the company that my MD recommends is 20 mins away from my home, thus I save on shipping. Next week is all about blood work, family MD and sending all the required information. I'm still having a problem finding good chewable vitamins, I guess I will go with the Life brand one and of course Biotin, the hair loss stories are giving me nightmare, lose weight , lose hair...sigh...I guess I can rock the Sinead O'Conor look for awhile:0. I took out all my clothes the ones that fit, the ones that don't and I put them all back in my closet. My goal is that as soon as the clothes don't fit ( too big), Salvation Army. My ultimate reward for losing the weight is a $5 000 shopping spree, since I don't expect to lose 119 lbs in 3 months , I have some time to save for it. I refuse to weigh myself every week. I know that's one of the rules in my Patient Guide ( I think) but I refuse. I will weigh myself either once a month, or prior to my fill. As for my fills, I prefer to get those fills when I'm in town. Some of my assignments take me to reservations where there are no cellphones or internet and I don't want to have an issue of being "too tight" where I will need to be flown out. Which means that my fills might be every 6- 8 weeks, kinda worried about that, but as my boyfriend says, "Don't rely on the band, rely on you!"...He has such faith in me..... Going to get the Magic Bullet this weekend, it's to mix my shakes and later for the puree stage. I also purchased a camera and took some pics of me side, front and back...traumatic...I never knew that I was an apple shape:)...Anyways, one of my goals was to get more exercise and i'm failing miserably, so back to the drawing board...I will be honest the hard part is starting , because when I'm actually working out, I really do like it....shall be my primary goal for the next couple of weeks. However, as of today, it's been over a month that I haven't had any type of soda, two weeks that I haven't eaten fast food, still struggling with juice, but mostly Lemonade and Apple Juice and of course exercise. So I still have some work to do but I'm drinking 64 oz of water a day, so I'm pretty happy about that:)
Anew77

Anew77

4
 

Decision

Ignorance might be bliss, but, sometimes it can make you stupid. I knew I had a serious weight problem in 2008, when I saw some pics of myself from a family cruise. I deleted every picture of me on my camera. At that time I was 240 lbs and I couldn't believe how heavy I was, but felt that I could take it off .... Fast forward 4 years later, my weight is 270 lbs and climbing. When my MD of 18 years mentioned in my last physical that maybe it's time to look into WLS, I actually was offended. I can do this, I lost 55 lbs when I was 19 and kept it off for 3 years, I can do this again! Two months later after another failed WW attempt. I started taking a good look at myself. Denial was going to kill me. I started looking into different types of WLS. I stumbled on an ad for Lap Band and my research had a focus. I did not inform my friends, family, my partner. I did not want any outside opinions, since this is my body, therefore my choice. Even though I know the opinions expressed might come out of fear, concern, etc. At the end of the day until you can walk in my shoes, you don't know how I feel. I eventually broaden my research to other types of WLS, but, I felt they weren't for me. I realize that one of my major problem is portion control, so I like the idea that with the Lap Band, it gives you that feeling of being satiated with smaller amounts. When I've made a decision, I'm usually aggressive until I've acquired my goal. So, as of today, I've found my clinic SWLC in Toronto. I'm doing a combination of financing and self-pay and at the end of this month I shall have my surgery date booked. I've informed my partner, who is extremely supportive and he understand that I wish to keep this between us for now. I'm excited, nervous, worried, happy, etc. why ? I've tried every weight loss fad out there and failed, what if I fail this one? Or worse, what if something goes wrong? Since, I'm keeping this on a "down low ", I need to find an outlet where I can express my fears and concerns without having to re-assure or defend my decision ( I definitely do not want to stress my partner of 5 years). So I'm grateful to have stumble onto this gem while during my research. A definite breathe of fresh air;).    
Anew77

Anew77

2
 

A Letter To My Future Banded Self

Dear Future Banded Self, I guess if you are reading this, it's because you are having one of those days. The one where you have "fallen of the wagon", having a two year old tantrum "why me?, or it's not fair" or your favorite excuse " I need to have-----" ( insert whatever food that you are not supposed to have). This letter is to tell you to CUT ...IT....OUT! Let me remind you why we did this, since you seem to have developed short term amnesia. 1. Remember how scared you were of taking a small airplane to one of your rural assignment? Not because you are afraid of flying, but what if you didn't fit in the seats? I mean they are single seats and we both know we don't fit in single seats. 2. Talking about planes, how about that fear when you realize the seatbelt just fit, if you gain any more weight, it will be the extender and you are already at the end of your rope .... Literally! 3. Let's not forget clothes....you don't feel comfortable in anything.... Spanx works for the overweight, not for the obese. Remember when the guy who does you nails asked if you were pregnant? Yes, we did stop going to him, but the constant fear of someone asking that questions lingers. When was the last time we went out to shop? Aren't you tired of doing it online only? 4. Let's not forget the episode where you sat in a chair and when you got up the chair got up with you. Everyone laugh including you but deep down, you were crying. I know we have developed a sure fire technique since then but wouldn't it be awesome to just sit in a damn chair without thinking of the aftermath. 5. Let's remember health... You deluded yourself that you are overweight and healthy but we both know that the last year showed that our body is breaking down. Three hospitalizations in 2011 -all believed to be obesity related. Do you want to have diabetes and hypertension before it' serious. 6. Most importantly, let's remember your slow withdrawal from social events. No pics, no meeting of past friends, I mean then they will see how big you've gotten.... The look, the after talk.... So you make up stories and you hide....so now you have a title of anti-social when you have always been a social butterfly. So listen future banded self, get off the Pity Party and get back to work. "It's not fair" but life never is. "Why me?" REALLY! Don't piss me off, there's no reason for that statement. It's hard, well if it was easy you would not have to spend $17 000 to get on track. You will not wake up skinny. You will not lose 100 lbs in 2 months and there will be days, you want to hit the wall! But keep going, you can do this I've booked you for 18 months to learn, change your lifestyle and the rest of your life to maintain and enjoy.   Anew77   Disclaimer: this not intended for anyone else but my future self so any similarities to your circumstances is purely coincidental;)   I could go on and on about all the different ways being obese have impacted my life, but this letter isn't about discouragement. It's to remind me when I'm banded and not effectively using my tool, why I did this. I believe that in any disease when the "treatment" becomes unbearable or the temptation is too great, we conviently forget what it was like before. So who better to give me a Swift Kick but currently un-banded me.
Anew77

Anew77

2
 

So Disappointing

I originally wrote a blog about my disappointment in finding a couple of posts that had gotten "nasty", then realize, no one cares and I can just ignore... So blog deleted... Moving on....Got my pre-op shakes today, 3 weeks worth ($189.00). I then proceeded to read the ingredients MILK CONCENTRATE... I'm bloody lactose intolerant! How did I miss this?.....I guess I'm going to be taking the Lactaid pills prior to consumption since I have to take them 3 times a day....sigh.....on the bright side maybe I will lose some more weight;)....Joke
Anew77

Anew77

0
 

Small Change

I know, I know.....I'm not banded yet and I'm blogging like a superhero!.... However, this all part of my conspiracy theory for a new lifestyle....Say What? .....Well, every time I attempt at weightless, I set a date and then gorge myself into oblivion until that day arrived. However, this time my "date" which I would like is in early November, eating to my hearts desire for three months,might lead me to the ER. So I decided to make small changes every month that I will need to incorporate when I'm banded. I'm kind of making it into a game. Yes, grown people do play games, this is my belief and I'm sticking to it!.... So, I drink a lot of juice and Fresca ( for those of you who don't know Fresca, it's a type of diet grapefruit carbonated beverage). I read that soda increases the risk of band slippage, so soda is axed. I started drinking 32oz of water per day with the goal to 64oz by my surgery date. I'm trying to stay away from the flavored water because it will just re-vamp my juice addiction. I'm not touching my fast food addiction or my sweet tooth for now. I have made a compromise with myself, I still allow myself Apple juice, unsweetened. My goal next month is too tackle my fast food addiction by cooking more....I have one word for that ....YIKES! In the meantime, I'm thirsty going to get my water bottle. Back to my frequent blogging....writing it down, allows me to see where my " head space is/was".... It's a type of accountability for me.... So if I get into the habit now, it will not seem so overwhelming later...ya know.......
Anew77

Anew77

0
 

Surgery Date Set !!

So I just got off the phone with my surgeon,really nice guy. He confirmed my surgery for the 07th November and.... He recruited me to come learn about aftercare, so I will be able to do fills/defills in the future....WICKED! Another incentive to keep motivated, being able to help other patients like myself. I love being a nurse. This is going to be a short blog, cuz I'm on cloud nine and in my euphoria I'm going for a walk outside..... MADDNESS!!!!......
Anew77

Anew77

0
 

August

What a month this has been! This month I made the decision to stop hiding my head in the sand and to take control of my health. It was not easy, but I no longer feel disappointed in myself. That decision motivated me to start doing small changes from now, so that when surgery comes along I will not feel overwhelmed. I'm determine to succed, so I came up with a plan for the next five months, that will hopefully get me on the right track. 20% of this is physical, the rest is all mental, well for me it is. I need to change the way I think, I know the 2 year old temper tantrum my mind can throw and the patience and reasoning the mature side needs to do, it's a constant battle not just about food but for exercise also. It's for this reason I started changing little things. I've heard that a takes 3 weeks to make a habit, I'm giving myself six weeks and not throwing a pity party when I slip, just get back on the wagon. So far, I've cut out sodas, drink 32-64oz of water per day and working on getting rid of my fast food habit. It's a bit more difficult but I'm getting better at it. This started as a weight loss, but as time goes by I see that the weight loss will only be part of it, I'm going for a full "make over". The funny thing is that I don't know what my "make over" entails, I believe I will figure it out in time. I had to put a plan, on paper, not only for my obsessive personality to have something visual, so that I can follow and see where I'm at, but also to have solutions to the common pitfalls and hills every time I try to lose weight.So instead of pretending it will not happen again, I'm preparing myself mentally for them. It's why I'm currently looking for a therapist who specialize in obesity. In order to have long term success, I will take whatever help is out there, no more head in the sand.
Anew77

Anew77

0
 

Fear

When I was 19, I was interested in this guy, who flatly told me I wasn't his type due to my size. I was so pissed by another rejection, that I started walking the next morning. Six months later, I was working out twice a day, lost 55 - 60 pounds and was a size 6, then I got arrogant. It started innocently, I had a slight knee injury. I was squatting 150 lbs and was not paying attention to form and I pulled something, but I wasn't worried because I would never be "fat" again, so I took time off from the gym. Couple months later I was a size 10, but that was okay, I was too skinny anyway and I will take it off, when I got back to the gym. However, I was never that committed as before and the weight just kept creeping on. What I remember about that time is my belief that I could continue with my eating habits because I was skinny. I really believed I did not have a food problem. I had become an exercise freak and I was so caught up in the attention I was receiving that I didn't see the cliff until I had already fallen. 13 years of imbedded bad habits and I'm trying to look at every loophole, for the fear of re-gain is so strong. I know that this time around with the lap band and a therapist (yep, I found one) and my eyes wide open the result will be different, but that fear is so strong, it's suffocating. I read somewhere that we cling to things because it gives us some type of payout. I honestly do not know the reason behind my food addiction but hopefully with time it will become clear because I refuse to continue to live my life this way. I'm no coward, I plan to face my demons but tonight the fear of failure is thick in me. For today, I finalized my financing, the surgery date is set but not finalized so it's like my mind is freaking out... I went to the grocery and had an instant craving for pork rinds! I NEVER ate the thing but today I felt like trying them, so I left the grocery so fast, still had some cup cake but yep, can't wait to see the therapist, this MADDNESS has to stop.
Anew77

Anew77

0
 

The Count Down Begins

Well, I've just returned from my contract of 5 weeks and it feels good to be home. I was happy to see that I lost 9 lbs just by cutting back on soda, drinking more water and decreasing my fast food habit...YEAH BABY, YEAH....However, two things that I was diagnosed with last year has returned; vertigo and Pilonidal Abscess. So, last year I was at work in the middle of delivery and I almost collapsed. I couldn't stand, sit and I was sent to the ER. MRI cleared, blood work cleared , no inner ear infection. Doctors believed it was either stress ( I worked 3 jobs , 1 full time, 2 part time jobs as a nurse) or my weight. I was off work for 2 months and over the next couple of months it will come and go, my last flare up was in September 2011 but Friday evening, my boyfriend had to help me inside, today it's much better thank god. Something else I need to take care of in the coming months. The Pilonidal Abscess was the most painful event that took place last year...nope ...my gallbladder was the worst. However, it was the most embarrassing. As a L& D nurse I never heard of this disease and my research when I was diagnosed made me realize that my weight may have led to this predicament. However, I thought when I had surgery done, it was all removed. I mean I spent 4 weeks having my BF do my dressing and now it seems it has returned...sigh....now I'm doing more research on the matter and it looks like this thing is here to stay. My hope is, if I lose weight, maybe it will decrease my flare ups. If you have no idea what a Pilonidal Abscess/Cyst is, look it up ...let's just say it's to do with your behind. Anyways, I have two weeks off before my next contract, thus, I need to do all my pre-op test during my time off. I decided before I do my pre-op that I'm going to do a month long natural cleanse, as a type of preparation for my new way of life. I know it sounds corny but, ( hoping not to jinx myself) something is clicking up there. I'm saying no, when I would say yes. I'm stopping when I'm full and I'm not beating myself up if I slip. I just hope that this is not temporary. However, when I got on that scale and i saw that I lost 9 lbs in 5 weeks I was very proud of myself. Moving on..so today, it's about starting my cleanse, entering my weight and pic on the forum and taking pictures and measurements. I need to buy 2 weeks worth of shakes, so that's what i'm doing this week, including going to doctor's appointments and going to Curve. I made out a plan and I'm sticking to it as much as possible and so far, i'm doing pretty well...going to find a pic for my profile...not of me of course, that will be for another time...maybe a pic of my beloved pug:)
Anew77

Anew77

0
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