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Lapband Journey

Entries in this blog

 

I Wanna.....

I have always dreamed of being the thin pretty girl that I have never been. Before I started school I was trim and cute, but then I started school and packed on the pounds. No idea what started this, but I am guessing emotional eating. My weight only balloned each year. I was always jealous of the pretty girls and just wished I could be like them.   However, I am pretty happy with the woman I grew in to. I am compasionate, caring, loving, and pretty nonjudgemental. If I had been a skinny girl I may not be who I am now, but now that I am an adult I am ready to bring the outside up to par with the inside.   I don't believe I am a told dog, but I am not Jennifer Aniston by any means. As I lose weight and develop curves, my dimples can be seen, I am losing the extra chins, I feel people can start to see the real me. I am less worried about how people preceive my outside and my inside more easily shine though.   I am fairly certain I will never be a size 2, and honestly I don't want to me. I size 10/12 would be just fine for me. I want to live realisticly, I want to enjoy food, I want to enjoy activity, I don't want to be hindered by my weight any longer.   For years I just ate whatever I wanted and over time I was able to eat more and more. Now I still want to eat yummy foods, but I am learning I can eat less and still be satisfied. I am learning that food doesn't need to be the center of my life.   While I won't be Jennifer Aniston (looks) or Marian Jones (athlectic), I just want to be me in a healthy form. In a form that allow my inside to shine through so people can see the real me.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

0
 

I believe, I beleive, I beleive.........

When we are little we believe that anything is possible-- santa can visit every house in one night, the tooth fairy brings us money for our teeth, the Easter bunny, ect. As little kids we see the world full of wonderful possibilities just waiting for us.   However, as we grow we begin to loose the rose colored glasses and become jaded by the reality of the world we live in. Happily ever after doesn't exist and things aren't always perfect- now I am not say things can't be good because they can be, but not every moment of every day and not every relationship is perfect all the time.   As a kid I never imagined I would become so large. I was so small until I turned 5. As I began to gain weight I would ask my mom sometimes why I was fat. She would just say I would grow out of it, after all my cousin did. I accepted that and went on. Well puberty came and went as did the teen years and I was still fat. I never grew out of it. What I didn't know is that my cousin put forth a great deal of effort in her preteens to shed the weight- all I knew was that she went from fat to skinny in what seemed like a summer and became a beautiful girl. That wasn't to be my story.   Now that I have admitted that I have a food problem and needed help, got banded and begun my journey- it is hard to belive I will ever reach my goal. The first 5 months the weight seemed to fly off 45 lbs- awesome, but now the loss has slowed almost plateaued and I find myself begining to worry that I may never reach my elusive dream weight (140).   I know that I should believe in myself, my band, my doctor and nutritionist, but it's hard when every other attempt I have made to loose weight has failed. Realistically I know it is different this time, I am not on a diet with a fixed end date, I am changing my life style one day at a time. I am making new habits, healthy ones that in time I hope will stick. Some things have been easy like giving up pop (soda), not drinking with meals, drinking water, even eating less at a meal. Some things though haven't been as easy, letting go of my salty snack of party mix (that stuff is addictive and it is my major weakness), not baking so I won't eat the sweets, not eating steak (just doesn't work well with my band).   Slowly, but surely I am making a change to a better way of life that in time hopefully will become habit. However, there is still that little voice of insecurity in the back of my head saying you won't do it, you will gain all that weight back, you are destine to be a fat girl forever (insert menacing laugh here)!! I fight every day to squash that voice and to believe that I will make it. After all I have lost 45 lbs and I am moving more and eating less.   So for now I am going to keep saying I believe in me, until I do!!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

The Plan

I am one of these planner folks and numbers people. It annoys the crap out of some, but that is how I am wired and work the best.   These days I plan my day out each morning. M-F I eat my Special K breakfast at 5:30 am, I get ready for work - pack my lunch and snack. Once I get to work and get settled in, I normally have a few min that I can get on MyFitnessPal and log breakfast, snack, lunch and what I plan to fix for dinner. This way I know exactly how many calories I am PLANNING to take in that day. If we are going to have something like pizza that night I PLAN that in and also PLAN in a workout.   If I plan out my day like this I am much more likely to stick to it than if I just take it as it comes. I am like this in everything. At work I have a color coordinated calendar and my box of color highlighters- People think I'm nuts but it works for me.   I believe that we all must have some sort of a plan in order to be succesful, if we "fly by the seat of our pants" we often end up somewhere we don't want to be.   Just like when going to the market. I sit down before going to the grocery and write out everything I need (I preplan meals for the coming week). When I go to the store I don't allow myself to browse, I get what is on the list and keep truckin. This prevents me from buy those little extras that will derail me and it also saves time so when I get home I can work out.   We plan vacations, meetings, appointments, ect to make sure we get in what we need, with the band it's no different. I you make a plan and post it- for me it's in my handy dandy smart phone (the hubs and I are total tech geeks), but some may stick it on the fridge; either way if you have a plan in place you are more likely to stick to it and be succesful because we hopefully don't plan for failure.   So today I encourage to make a plan and stick to it.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

0
 

In A Funk

My weight is still going down, it was up this weekend a bit, but I was taking a lot of cold meds and drinking liquids constantly. This morning I was back down to my 203. I know I am doing well and the weight is still trending down. Up until the last couple weeks I was an avid calorie counter and exercised 3-5 days a week. Since my Grandmother passed away on the 17th and life has been crazy with the services, family from other states visiting and then my catching a killer cold that lead to Bronchitis, I have been in a funk and totally not into counting calories and can't work out because of the bronchits (can barely breath).   Being like this scares me. I am afraid that if I become lax now my weight will go back up and I will lose what I have worked so hard for. Yeah, I know my Grandma wouldn't want me to do that. But, it's not just losing her it's everything that has happened in the last 2 weeks. I am exhausted all I want to do is sleep. I don't believe I am depressed (already on Paxil) I think it's just the being sick and not getting enough oxygen from clogged airways. I can't afford to miss work so I am working every day and going home to the couch. I am eating basically whatever is fast and easy to fix because I am to tired to do much else.   I gotta get out of this, I want don't want to fail myself or my band.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

2Nd Fill

I had my 2nd fill this afternoon. I am not at 4.5 cc's. I had only lost 5 lbs since my last visit, which my doctor said was good since I was basically doing it on my own. The doctor said that the scales can be deceptive, but she knows I am losing weight due to how much she is able to put in my band at one time. Thankfully I didn't pass out this time, she pushed the fluided very slowly this time as to not stimulate vagus nerve.   I am glad I took the step to get my band. This journey isn't always easy, it's not alway fun, but it is worth it. I am proud of myself for sticking to an exercise routine, for having will power to stop stuffing my face. I wish I would have to ahead and gotten my band 5 years ago when I first looked into it. I just hope that I did it soon enough to prevent any of the health problems I was heading towards.   One of the things I have learned now that I didn't know before is - food is still good, but it can be even better when you don't gorge yourself on it!!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

Have You Noticed.........

Since being banded I have noticed and realized a lot of things about food and myself.....   .........some foods just don't taste as good as once I know the calorie count! I use to love pastries, now I look at them and think - you know that just isn't worth the 250-500 calories in them. And I don't want it.   ........soft drinks just don't hold the appeal they use to. I use to down a couple of Dt Dews a day, now never touch it. Water is my friend and if I need flavor crystal light is great!   ........food doesn't have the power over me it did at one time. At one point I had no self control, but I didn't want to have it- like many say want power is most important. At that time I didn't want to control my intake so I didn't. I just don't think about food like I use to, it's not tops on my mind.   .......I no longer consider not eating certain things giving up on something. Since getting restriction thick breads are a problem. I use to LOVE breadsticks- and I mean I had an unhealthy love affair with them. Now they get stuck, and after getting stuck once on it, I have zero desire to have them again and I'm not really said about it.   ......OMG- healthy foods taste good!!! Eating fresh veggies cooked in a natural way taste better. Food in it's natural state cooked healthy has tons of flavor and make me feel good.   ...... I am happier. Now I don't know if this steams from weight loss (43 lbs in 4.5 months) or if it's from me eating better foods and not over eating. I truly believe there is truth in that if we fuel our body with the correct things it will make us feel better. Processed foods tend to make you tired and blah, but healthy fresh goods tend to give energy and a clear mind.   .....I am healthy concious. Never ever thought I would start becoming a healthy nut, but slowly it is coming. I pay attention to what I eat and put thought in as to what I should choose based on nutrtion not on taste. It's about what is best for my body not my taste buds- ie I choose the healthy options at a resturant even if I am wanting that calorie loaded tasty dish.   ........I am breathing better, I am moving better, my mind is clearer- it's like coming out of a fog. I call it walking out of the fat fog. I lived most of my life eating to much and gaining weight. My mind had become slow and foggy, my asthma was progressivly getting worse, my knees were just starting to hurt when I walked to much and my feet killed me.   ......... I am becoming REAL! I am getting real with myself about my bad choices in the past and reviewing them to prevent me from back tracking. I am recognizing and calling myself on bad choices (it's ok to eat that cake, it's ok not to work out tonight-just one night off won't hurt--- no, that cake isn't going to do anything from me but make me feel like crap, I'm not hungry so no thanks - yes, I need to work out tonight, skipping one night will lead to two, three, ect, so get your butt up and DO IT) I am admitting that my cooking habits of the past were not as healthy as I had deluted myself into believing.   Getting the band thus far has caused a lot of positive things to happen. I am so glad that I made the choice for me and that I committed to it, instead of doing it half assed (pardon the french). Every time I had tried to lose weight in the passed I never gave it my all, this time I jumped in with both feet and said ok it's time to do this. The band is my guide, my friend, my Gibb's slap (those of you who watch NCIS will get that reference), my band is my tool for making the weight loss and the life style change stick. I look forward the the rest of my life with the band and living a healthier more aware life.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

0
 

Simple Pleasures

There are so many pleasures that I never knew in my life.   Simple Pleasures:   Walking or power walking with the dogs on a pretty day. Breathing clean and clear without wheezing. Walking fast and not having to stop and catch my breath before I speak. Walking into a store and buy a pair of pants where the size doesn't start or end with W. Not getting the worlds worst wedgy when wearing short. Not having my full coverage panties (granny panties) turn into thongs. Having energy to not only do what I must but wanting to do more. Not being feeling self conscious all the time. Not being afraid to step on the scale at the doctors office. Being willing to stand up for myself rather than just wanting to fade into the back ground. Having my life not revolve around food.   There are so many more simple pleasures that I am sure I will find as my weight continues to go down, but these are the ones that I am seeing thus far.   What simple pleasures are you enjoying?
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

0
 

The Root Of Evil......

The root of evil many time is boredom, and that seems to be the case in being over weight sometimes to. We eat when we don't have anything else to do.   I always knew I tended to be more hungry when I was bored- like I would bake when I didn't have anything else to do at home. Then I would eat what I made.   Today I was awaken at 5 am by my puppy. By 5:30am I had finished my breakfast (1 cup of Special K with a 1/2 cup of 2% milk) and was getting ready to go to work. I got to work at 6:40 and jumped right in to a busy day. I was crazy busy all morning. The next thing I know I see people walking passed the conference room with food. I looked up and realized it was Noon. Holy crap, I worked right through snack time. I had gone 6.5 hours with out food!   This made me realize a lot of my morning hunger has got to be head hunger and not true hunger.   Once I got to thinking about it I realized I was hungry and I went and heated my lunch and ate.   Now I am back at my desk trying not to start any big projects, as we are out the next three days, and I am floored that I lasted that long.   I know in past times on days that I am really busy I tend not to get hungry and don't eat much. At home when I stay busy doing something, no matter if I am cleaning or working on a project my husband has to remind me it's time to eat.   So the bottom line for me is bordem = fat! I have got to find a way to keep my self busy so food is not a priority.   Food certainly does play mind games with ya!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

Listen Up.......

Well it's been an odd week for me. The hubs Big 40 was last week. We had a party for him last Sunday night. Instead of B-day cake he wanted his fave cheesecake and I made brownies to. Most of the left overs I sent home with friends. Kept a couple and we had those the first of the week.   Mid-week my PMS mode hit, which means grumpy and craving. Since being banded I haven't really had any horrible cravings for sweets, I've wanted them, but not to the point I have this week. I am guessing this is a case of your mind gets a little and it wants more of that drug.   On Friday of this week NC got hit with an ice storm - nothing horrible, but enough to send us home from work and keep us in until afternoon on Saturday. Friday my hubs wanted pizza. Well this hasn't been an issue for me before, but.... I ordered a large since I could get it for free, just figured we would eat on it for a couple of days (WRONG). For lunch I was starved and ate 2 slices of my veggie side and felt way to full (I know this wasn't good for my band and I shouldn't have, but I can't change what was only what is to come), at dinner I wasn't really hungry, but at another piece anyway and felt even worse. By bedtime I felt like crap. My tummy hurt and I felt bloated. Lesson learned....   I am feeling like I am reverting back to my old ways and that scares me worse than anything. My band is there to help me, but if I refuse to listen to it, it can't and won't help. I know that I must get back on track and get myself back on the plan and biggest thing listen to my band.   As my mom said when I was little there is a big difference in hearing and listening. I hear my band tell me no I don't want that, but I ignored it this weekend. Today after returning home from my Dad's 65th b-day party I found myself standing in my kitchen looking around for something to eat, yet I wasn't hungry.   My feeling down and out today doesn't help eating issues, but at least I am realizing what triggers I have and trying to change which I have not done in the past.   While at Dad's party, sitting with my niece who is a cute perky 17 year old size 0, I watched what and how she ate. She ate really slow. She got up to toss her plate and still had half of her cake and some ice cream on it- she said she was full. I guess that is why she is a size 0. She opts to stop when she is full no matter how much is left on her plate. This is something I can learn from her.   Like I have often said this journey isn't the easy every day, but it is a journey worth making. For those of you support and encourage me thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know I am going to fall from time to time on my journey and it helps having the awesome people on this site to help me stand back up and keep moving forward.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

Change

If you are easily offended stop reading now- here come some tough love!   I am a human, a woman, a wife, a mom to 4 wonderful fur babies, a daughter, sister, friend, emplyee, co-worker and many many more things. I have a big life, but that doesn't mean I need to be big. I am the first person to tell you I am NOT perfect, I have my vices, and life gets the best of me at times.   I use to think I was active - I was kidding myself. I came home from work and stayed there- not moving any more than I had to. I was lazy, I am still lazy, but I move now in spite of it.   If you are like me then I am sorry you gotta get your fat tusey up and move. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same result. Soooo, if you want to and expect to loose weight, guess what you have got to CHANGE!!!!   If you sit on your big butt and do nothing you will NOT loose weight!! If you continue to eat unhealthy things and large portions you WILL NOT loose weight!!!! Sorry, but it is the truth!!!   I am speaking to myself as much as I am others.   I push myself to get up and do things. For instance, yesterday I working in my yard for a bit - planted a few flowers after work. Then made a healthy dinner (tacos - mine with out the shell). After dinner I went to a friends house and treated their yard for fire ants (they are blind and can't see the little buggers). I came home played with the dogs, got a shower, got stuff ready for today, cleaned the kitchen. You know what after all that I felt good and then slept good.   You have to push yourself sometimes to move. If you don't want to exercise find something you do enjoy that gets you moving and DO IT!!! I love gardening. Even though I live in the city, I put in a 20 x 3 row garden in my yard and am planing some yummy veggies (cumcumbers, peppers, tomatos, squash). I plant flowers in my front yard and am working on relandscaping that. I love working with my hands so I am finding ways to do that but that make my body active while doing it. I love walking the dogs so I do that instead of WALKING to exercise. It's all in how you define it.   As far as eating goes, we all got fat by eating things we don't need and to much at a time. To start with I thought if I just cut portions I would be fine - WRONG. I have since learned a lot of things I ate were not as healthy as I once believed. I read labels now. Do I do with out things - some, but not many- Am I unhappy about that - NO. For instance I LOVE alfredo yum oh. Alfredo sauce at a resturant and store bought is really not good for you- full of fat and calories. Sooo, I experimented and created my own healthy alfredo sauce that the hubs and I actually like better. I've also experimented with other recipes and veggies to make them healthier. How do you do this - read a labels, experiment. I enjoy cooking so I get up and move around my kitchen and experiment. I have lots of friends and family who don't mind being gunie pigs. I cook and dance around my kitchen to some good 'ole country- guess what I am burning calories while doing this .   Yeah, I have only lost 55 lbs in 9.5 months- but hey I have lost half of my excess body weight. I am in a size 14- so that says something. Plus I am learning more everyday about what leading a healthy life style means and making small changes all a long.   While it is FRUSTRATING, SUCKY, CRAPPY, to loose slowing after having surgery, I am loosing. Plus, like others have said this is not a race- this is a life long journey.   I will get to a healthy weight it won't be tomorrow, but I just as well enjoy the journey and learn as much as I can so when I get there I can stay there!!   Sooooo, CHANGE already you are worth it. If you are a person who can't make a lot of changes at once, make little ones along the way- they will add up.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

0
 

Fight or Flight

When you are trying to lose weight and you hit a plateau or even go up a little inspite of doing what you are suppose to it is so easy to get frustrated.   My weight loss has been painfully slow- 50 lbs in a little over 6 months. I am one of those nuts who opts to weigh daily and chart it to see my patterns in connection with what I eat. I also opt to count calories and have a fitbit to tell me an average of what I burn in day.   While I haven't always been the perfect lapband patient I do stick pretty close to doctors orders. The last few weeks I am been doing what I am suppose to - 3 meals 1 cup or less 1 snack eating 1300 or less calories a day and doing cardio for 30 min to an hour 4-5 days a week. Yet, while I am doing this my weight managed to tick up from 195 where it was Saturday back up to 200 by Monday and today back down 197. I know I haven't eaten the calories to cause this so it has to be something else.   With past diets I would have taken the flight approuch- this isn't doing any good, forget it I'm eating what I want. However, with the band I choose the fight mode. I am going to keep fight the fight against the fat. One of us will win and I plan on it being me!   It is so easy to flee the lapband lifestyle when we don't see results that we want or expect, but we must (I must) stay and fight. Fight through the ups and celebrate the downs in the scales.   On the ups it can be from water retention, a cold, not going potty, or muscle gain. All of these reason will eventually level out and the scale number will go down, but only if I keep on keeping on.   I hope that you choose the fight approch to! After all our health is worth fight for!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

Addiction

I went to school for and hold a degree in addiction counseling. You would think someone who has taken these classes, learned ways to help clients cope and recover from addiction could herself fight her own addiction.   Just like the difficulty people have admitting they are addicted to drugs and alcohol I had difficulty admitting I was addicted to food. Just like people who abuse drugs and alcohol try to validate their addiction I have tried to validate mine. But, the truth is an addiction is an addiction and there is validation for it, it is a problem that must be overcome in order for us to become a better more effective person.   I have been over weight since I was 5 years old. Before that I was very thin and tiny- everyone always talked about how cute I was. Then the month before I started school the pounds started packing on. Apparently this was the start of my emotional eating and it never went away. As each year progressed my waist line expanded. By high school I was wearing size 22 jeans and was picked on all the time. My self esteem was low and I spent a lot of time alone- the only lead to more eating. I would frequently eat behind my families back so they wouldn't know how much I consumed and then tried to block it from my mind.   As a senior in high school I had an accident that required surgery and then months of physical therapy. During that time I lost weight- down to 201 and a size 18. I remained at that size until the last 2 years when my weight balloned up to 247 and I knew something had to change.   5 high school friends have had some type of weight loss surgery with varying degrees of success, but all have managed to loose weight and keep it off. I decided that maybe this is what I needed to get control of my addiction.   Likely if I could have controlled my addiction I could have lost weight without the surgery, but I couldn't. I was a slave to food.   June 22, 2012 I had my lapband put in. The first week was hell - I felt like crap the entire time. Once I was back on mushy food I started to feel better and gain energy back. I began working out and counting calories and did great. I really felt like I had things under control.   In October my Grandmother passed away after a long illness. She was one of my best friends and always someone I could count on. During that time I stopped counting calories due to being away from home, eating things I didn't prepare, and not being where I could get on the internet (my family lives deep in the country of Virgina) and I also stopped working out. When I got back home I though surely I had gained - well low and behold I had lost 3 lbs- WOW. In my screwed up mind this gave me permission to stop working out and counting calories. I know- WRONG thing to do. However, I have continue to lose steadily, but I know this is not a good way to do things. I do move more to burn more calories since getting my fitbit, but I know that can't take the place of the workouts I was doing.   This passed weekend I had my first of serveral Christmas parties. I did pretty well, I help my portions down and ate only two cookies (my mom's homemade Christmas cookies - they are small tea cakes). My BFF's mom brought her homemade party mix and gave me a bag to go home. Here is the problem, this party mix for me is like putting a bottle of beer in front of an alcoholic. I love it- so yummy. She gave me a gallon zip lock bag of it. I brought it home and told myself I would only eat one handful a day. Well, it's been 3 days and half the bag is gone. I screwed up!!!!!   The salt content alone in this stuff had increase my water retention- I have gained 3 lbs since Sunday- which isn't possible since I am not eating much. (the party mix has been my breakfast and my snacks) I feel like my face is puffy- I know I am retaining.   I feel like crap, I can't believe I allowed myself to fall back in to a pattern that is negative. There are so many awesome people on this site who have been so strong and wonderful since surgery and are kicking butt. Why the hell did I think I could allow myself to do this and not have a negitive consequence- insanity.   So, today, I am back on the game. I am going to be accountable to myself. Back to counting calories, back to the workouts, back to eating only what I need to live. The party mix as much as it pains me, but go to the garbage.   This morning, I have had a Slim fast protein shake (not bad 180 calories and 20 grams of protein and taste like a yohoo). To my suprise I drink it two hours ago and I am not hungry. Now that I have retriction maybe I can do the shakes for breakfast. This afternoon I will get on my elliptical for 30 min. I WILL get back on track. I will not allow insanity to set in.   To those of you who have been my support and encouraged me thank you and I am sorry for allowing my old ways to creep in. Thankfully, I didn't allow them to hang around long enough to do any major damage.   Today I admit that I am an addict and I can not do this alone. I must be accountable to myself and others.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

Wonderful Weekend

This weekend was a dozy!   First off Thursday night we brought home a new addition to our family- Molly a 1 year old Corgi/Shepard mix. She is a little bundle of energy and cute as a button. We already have an 11 year old Greyhound that is the best dog on the planet (perfectly behaved!) and two bengal cats, one 11 and one 4. The Greyhouse has asserted her alpha dog status and as has the older cat. The younger cat has gone into hiding whenever the little terror is out.   Saturday morning I got up early and went shopping with my BFF who had gastric bypass 3 years ago. She understand the difficulty of being big and then losing. She help me pick out clothes and I went into the dreaded dressing room. WOW- a pair of 16 pants (not 16 W, but 16 ladies) slid on with not problem and buttoned!! A large sweater fit perfectly in ladies. What a difference wearing clothes that fit make - I felt better and looked better. I went home and put on my new size 16 jeans with my new sweater and by new boots and walked into my hubby's office- he loved it. We went out that night with friends and I felt awesome struting around the mall. Size 16 isn't small, but it's better than the 20's and 18's I was wearing.   Sunday we decided to take our new baby, Molly, and Chloe for a walk. Well, it was more Molly walking us. To be just 30 lbs she can pull 200 lbs like it's nothing. My hubs and I had to take turns dealing with her. Our Greyhound was her usual pefect self- walking right be side you being good. We walked 5.5 miles and the little one never stopped pulling. My arms are sore from holding her back. When we got home my husband, myself and Chloe fell out in the floor and Molly went for the toy box to play. I have a feeling she is my new work out plan. On the down side, she had caused me to fall Saturday night, I wasn't in pain then nor Sunday morning, but after the 5.5 mile walk my knee was killing me and today it still hurts bad. May not be going for a long walk today.   For the most part it was a great weekend. My weight hit 202.0, so I should see 201 by next weekend. I may just make my goal of 199 by Thanksgiving!!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

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