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Lapband Journey

Entries in this blog

 

Alternate Reality

I almost feel like I have been living in an alternate reality since I began my journey in May. Once I decided I wanted to have lapband surgery I jumped in with both feet and committed myself to doing it. I got a doctors appointment, set up all the pre-op appointments, got scheduled for sugery and had it done June 22nd.   Since surgery I have been busy with work and home stuff and then my Grandmother passed away. I feel like time has flown by. I thought I did terrible when my Grandmother died because I ate food that I don't normally eat (fried chicken), granted I didn't eat 3 pieces like I would have at one time, I ate one and didn't eat desert because my band wouldn't allow me to over eat. I still figured I had gained a couple of pounds over that weekend. The day before I left to go up to meet with the family I was 206 that was on a Wed. I returned home on the next week and on Wed of the next week I was at 203 - WOW- I didn't gain I lost! The only thing I can figure is I was drinking water all the time, rather than snacking I was walking around with a cup of water in my hand so I drank that instead of picking at the endless amount of food.   I can't believe I have lost 40 lbs in 4 months. In 4 months life has changed a lot. I am eating differently, I am feeling better, I am more focused, I wear smaller clothes, I think differently- I could go on. I know with out surgery I would likely be sitting about 250-260 right now and miserable, instead I am close to Onederland and feeling good. Even though I lost a dear loved one, I am handling it better because of the band. I was down for a little me and ate some things I shouldn't have, but I got back on the wagon, started counting calories again and moving forward.   I feel like fat clouded my life for years- it put my mind in a haze and I am coming out now. I hope my drive and clear mind continue and I can get to my goal of losing 100 lbs or a little more I want to know what life is like on the other side- the healthy side.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

All About The Fit......

My mother in law and sister in law came be spend Thanksgiving with my husband and I. My mother-in-law had called last week and said she wanted to take me shopping to get some clothes that fit. Considering she has never done anything for me in the 5 years I have been with her son, I was shocked.   On Friday us girls decided to hit the mall about 5pm. Being a big girl I have always gotten clothes from Walmart, Belk, place like that where I could hit a sale and get them cheap. Like it really matters what you put on a hippo- it's still a hippo- that is how I felt.   Well my SIL said I need to go to Talbots. I had never been there. When we walked in they were busy and the sales girl was so helpful. My MIL told her I had lost 50 lbs and needed some clothes and that price wasn't an option- WOW. She told me to find something nice. The sales girl said she herself had lost 100 lbs in the last few years and she knew what I was going through- she looks like a stick now, amazing transformation. She was helpful picking out clothes that I would have never before tried.   By the time I finished I had one pair of pants and 3 tops. The pants were Women's Petite 14- WOW, I never remember wearing a 14. The clothes fit me perfect, like they were made for my body.   What a difference the right cut and fit can make. I looked at myself in the mirror and was able to smile and was happy with how I looked- wow. Feeling like you look good does give you confidence and a spunk in your step.   The next day I wore one of my new outfits and my hubs was like wow you look hot. I was so excited. With that and the new earrings my MIL purchased for me at Swarski crystals I felt like I was Julia Roberts in the Pretty Women except for the hooker thing.   I will be visting that Talbots again for sure!!!   Anyone who lives near Raleigh, NC - I totally recommend going to Talbots at Southpoint Mall- awesome staff!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
 

Adventure Banding

This WLS thing is a true adventure. Just like any adventure, you have times where it is awesome and you feel amazing, then there are time when you just wish you could turn around to the comfort of home, and then there are times when you are scared pooh less.   9 months post op and I can say it has been a roller coaster. The first few months was the big exciting hill, where the weight is coming off and I am screaming hell yeah. Now I am in the boring slow moving time that makes me wonder if this ride will get better.   With being a woman in childbearing years I still have the wonderful monthly cycle to throw some excitement in- water retention, cravings, ect. I am currently greatly stressed at work, which doesn't really help, apparently my band doesn't like stress- it tenses up.   Last week while on vacation, eating each bite was ad adventure in it's self. One morning I wouldn't be able to get anything down but Vitamin Water Zero. Then Lunch would do great, but dinner wouldn't budge. Next day breakfast wondeful, lunch no go, dinner no go. Even though I was chewing well and chosing things that shouldn't have been an issue (baked fish- really should go down). I was also burning between 2400 and 3000 calories a day due to walking close to 8-10 miles daily (Gotta love Disney). Yet, my weight is up 4 lbs when I returned.   The last two days my weight has dropped a half pound a day. Who knows what it will be tomorrow.   WLS really does appear to be an adventure that you must do what the tour guide says ( the doc and NUT) and hold on for dear life. We must look forward to those days when we are feeling the sun on our face and screaming hell yeah with our hands in the air and the days when we are in dark cave and creeping slowly remember that there must be light coming.   Heres to our health adventure!!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

Admissions of Guilt

Here are some things that I need to admit:   1- I can not do this journey alone. My husband is awesome and so very supportive, but he isn't on the same path as me and it's makes it difficult to see him eating certain things and I have to tell myself no. I don't have anyone to call and vent to or talk me down. I thought I could do it with his support, but I need support from those on the same wagon train.   2- I am addicted to food. When all else fails eat. When you are sad, happy, mad, glad, worried, sleepy eat.   3- The only thing to blame for me not having lost more weight is me, myself and I. I choose to eat things I shouldn't have and more than I should have.   4- I am a master of excuses. If you have something you don't want to do, let me know I can give you 100 different excuses for not.   5- I have good intetions, but have trouble following through. I often "plan" to do XYZ, but then when the time comes, the excuses come.   I am starting to work on these. The journey is an ever evolving learning process. I have hidden and ignored a lot of things above, but I must face them now in order to move forward.   The last week bad decisions have now shown up on the scale. This morning as I stared down at the scale shining 191, I wanted to kick my butt. I made bad choices and I am now 3 lbs up. To many that may not seem bad, but for me it is a wake up call.   I have got to turn this thing around, I have got to reset. This started with me making a menu plan again last night. This way I will know what I will be eating and have less chance of making unhealhty things. I also made my lunches for the remainder of the week and packaged my breakfast, so all I have to do is pick and go. When I did this a few weeks ago it really worked, then life hit me and fell down.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

5
 

Addiction

I went to school for and hold a degree in addiction counseling. You would think someone who has taken these classes, learned ways to help clients cope and recover from addiction could herself fight her own addiction.   Just like the difficulty people have admitting they are addicted to drugs and alcohol I had difficulty admitting I was addicted to food. Just like people who abuse drugs and alcohol try to validate their addiction I have tried to validate mine. But, the truth is an addiction is an addiction and there is validation for it, it is a problem that must be overcome in order for us to become a better more effective person.   I have been over weight since I was 5 years old. Before that I was very thin and tiny- everyone always talked about how cute I was. Then the month before I started school the pounds started packing on. Apparently this was the start of my emotional eating and it never went away. As each year progressed my waist line expanded. By high school I was wearing size 22 jeans and was picked on all the time. My self esteem was low and I spent a lot of time alone- the only lead to more eating. I would frequently eat behind my families back so they wouldn't know how much I consumed and then tried to block it from my mind.   As a senior in high school I had an accident that required surgery and then months of physical therapy. During that time I lost weight- down to 201 and a size 18. I remained at that size until the last 2 years when my weight balloned up to 247 and I knew something had to change.   5 high school friends have had some type of weight loss surgery with varying degrees of success, but all have managed to loose weight and keep it off. I decided that maybe this is what I needed to get control of my addiction.   Likely if I could have controlled my addiction I could have lost weight without the surgery, but I couldn't. I was a slave to food.   June 22, 2012 I had my lapband put in. The first week was hell - I felt like crap the entire time. Once I was back on mushy food I started to feel better and gain energy back. I began working out and counting calories and did great. I really felt like I had things under control.   In October my Grandmother passed away after a long illness. She was one of my best friends and always someone I could count on. During that time I stopped counting calories due to being away from home, eating things I didn't prepare, and not being where I could get on the internet (my family lives deep in the country of Virgina) and I also stopped working out. When I got back home I though surely I had gained - well low and behold I had lost 3 lbs- WOW. In my screwed up mind this gave me permission to stop working out and counting calories. I know- WRONG thing to do. However, I have continue to lose steadily, but I know this is not a good way to do things. I do move more to burn more calories since getting my fitbit, but I know that can't take the place of the workouts I was doing.   This passed weekend I had my first of serveral Christmas parties. I did pretty well, I help my portions down and ate only two cookies (my mom's homemade Christmas cookies - they are small tea cakes). My BFF's mom brought her homemade party mix and gave me a bag to go home. Here is the problem, this party mix for me is like putting a bottle of beer in front of an alcoholic. I love it- so yummy. She gave me a gallon zip lock bag of it. I brought it home and told myself I would only eat one handful a day. Well, it's been 3 days and half the bag is gone. I screwed up!!!!!   The salt content alone in this stuff had increase my water retention- I have gained 3 lbs since Sunday- which isn't possible since I am not eating much. (the party mix has been my breakfast and my snacks) I feel like my face is puffy- I know I am retaining.   I feel like crap, I can't believe I allowed myself to fall back in to a pattern that is negative. There are so many awesome people on this site who have been so strong and wonderful since surgery and are kicking butt. Why the hell did I think I could allow myself to do this and not have a negitive consequence- insanity.   So, today, I am back on the game. I am going to be accountable to myself. Back to counting calories, back to the workouts, back to eating only what I need to live. The party mix as much as it pains me, but go to the garbage.   This morning, I have had a Slim fast protein shake (not bad 180 calories and 20 grams of protein and taste like a yohoo). To my suprise I drink it two hours ago and I am not hungry. Now that I have retriction maybe I can do the shakes for breakfast. This afternoon I will get on my elliptical for 30 min. I WILL get back on track. I will not allow insanity to set in.   To those of you who have been my support and encouraged me thank you and I am sorry for allowing my old ways to creep in. Thankfully, I didn't allow them to hang around long enough to do any major damage.   Today I admit that I am an addict and I can not do this alone. I must be accountable to myself and others.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

A New Attitude.....

Work has been crazy lately, life has been crazy. I am busier than ever, but I am doing pretty well. There are times when I get down and out, but for the most part I feel stronger than I was 5 years ago.   This past weekend I went out of town, up to Ohio to visit my MIL. I realized on this trip, going through airports, going to new places, walking down crowed streets, taking city buses, that I am not nearly as self concious as I once was. What a great feeling to walk down the street or into places and hold my head up. Going into resturants and ordering, I don't feel self concious about my order. I just don't worry nearly as much about what people think of my outside. I lived life from 6 years old until 32 now always worried about how people view my outside.   When getting back to work this week, another big thing happend. In years past I would never stand up for myself- I was meek and quiet especially in confrontation. I HATE confrontation. Due to my job I often have confrontations with parents who want me to bend rules or plan out break them for their child. I hated it when I got in confrontations with co-workers. Well, my secretary screwed up majorly while I was out of town. I decided that I was not going to be the one to call the families and apologize for the problems. I took the forms back to her, told her what was wrong and to contact the families. She went off, she yelled, was very rude. In times past I would have hung my head and walked away. This time I looked her in the eye and told her she needed to calm down, that yelling at me because she screwed up was not acceptable and I would not take that. She cried left work, came back the next day and acted as if nothing happend. I stood up for me!!! What a great feeling.   I am becoming more outgoing and confident in myself and my skin. I have never know what that was like. It's a glorious feeling. I realize that my no means am I a tiny girl. I wear a size 12/14 comfortably. I feel normal- like a typical person, not shamoo on legs.   I feel like at 32 almost 33 years old I am finally coming into myself and it's all because I made the choice to get the band and use it. I so wish everyone who has ever felt meek and awkward due to their weight could feel like I do right now. It is liberating. I makes me want to go out and when I see a large person tell them you don't have to live like that anymore. There is hope, there is help- you just have to use it to choose it.   So this morning despite my feelings of not having lost enough, I am doing the happy dance and being thankful for how my life has changed due to my band.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

A Life Worth Living.....

If you are anything like me your weight has held you back from enjoying many things.   Since childhood I avoided crowds, parties, public to hopefully avoid being picked on. The first time I ever traveled was when I was 22 years old. I went to New Orleans to see my cousin, my first time out of NC/VA and my first time on a plane. Since I have traveled to Vegas, Nashville, and California's Sierras. I love to travel, but some places I still wouldn't go due to my weight- beaches, warm places, where a bathing suit would be expected.   I also didn't go into fancy clothing stores, I just got my clothes at walmart. I was afraid of what the sales ladies would think of me walking in a upscale store.   Now, I have lost 45 lbs, I am 32 years old and I am sick and tired of not living due to my weight. So even though I have not reached my goal, I am going to LIVE!!!   I have always wanted to go to Disney and Seaworld, but never did due to the walking discomfort fear and all the people. Well, I booked the hubs and I a week trip to Disney for April. Mickey here we come!! I plan to do the things I have always wanted to do, not more holding back.   It's my time! I don't want to look back 40 years from now with regrets. I considered lapband 10 years ago, but didn't do it because my family wasn't supportive, I wish I would have told them on board or not I am doing it.   Next fall we are going back to Louisana (his family is there), maybe New York in the next year. No more holding back and waiting for xyz to take place. I am alive and here now, so I am going to LIVE!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

4
 

A Healthy Kinda Feeling

Despite my current cold I seem to have I am feeling healthy. I am not sure if it's the weight loss, my state of mind, the vitamins I am on or what, but I am looking and feeling healthier.   I've lost 37 lbs in 3.5 months I am working out more, taking vitamins and eating better.   My hair is shiny and soft - my curls are fluffy and pretty. My skin is clearning up, obviously I am smaller because I am wearing smaller clothes. My nails look healthier. All in all I look different not just in size. It's nice to start feeling better about myself again.   I am only about half way to my goal, but seeing these signs of health are motivating. I want to be healthy and I would like to be pretty to.   I have always been the big girl who wanted to fade into the back ground in my personal life, in work I am more of a go getter. I do a lot of traning and talking in front of large groups and that doesn't bother me because I am talking about something I know well. Now work is changing we are switching up databases so I must learn an entire new system and train my staff on it. While I am nervous, I am always up for a challenge at work, so why was I so worried about the challenge in my personal life.   This weightloss is a challange. I am having to say no to things I would have once said yes to. I am having to choose to eat better things and less of it. I have finally gotten it through my thick skull that a calorie is a calorie no matter if it's from salad or steak.   I am becoming more of a balanced person, I feel accountable and in control of my work life and my personal life and what a great feeling that is. There are days and even weeks where I get discouraged and down, but I have great friends and family who are ready to pick me up and cheer me foward until I can get the wind back in my sail again.   Thanks to those of you out there who have been the wind in my sail a few times when I've been down. I hope I can return the favor one day.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

4
 

2Nd Fill

I had my 2nd fill this afternoon. I am not at 4.5 cc's. I had only lost 5 lbs since my last visit, which my doctor said was good since I was basically doing it on my own. The doctor said that the scales can be deceptive, but she knows I am losing weight due to how much she is able to put in my band at one time. Thankfully I didn't pass out this time, she pushed the fluided very slowly this time as to not stimulate vagus nerve.   I am glad I took the step to get my band. This journey isn't always easy, it's not alway fun, but it is worth it. I am proud of myself for sticking to an exercise routine, for having will power to stop stuffing my face. I wish I would have to ahead and gotten my band 5 years ago when I first looked into it. I just hope that I did it soon enough to prevent any of the health problems I was heading towards.   One of the things I have learned now that I didn't know before is - food is still good, but it can be even better when you don't gorge yourself on it!!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

1year and counting.....

Tomorrow I will have had George D. Band for one year. Luckily, I haven't had any problems. I have gotten about 6 fills and feel like I am in a good place. George is a little tempermental, tightening up whenever he wants to.   I have lost 57 lbs and counting. The first 6 months the weight came off with what seem of ease. Then the last 6 months it's slowed to almost nothing. I know, however, the slow down is my own fault.   When I began this journey in April 2012, I was excited and determined. I was banded June 22, 2012 and did everything that I was told. As time went by and the weight came off I started to become a little lax on following the rules- like a couple of extra bites here and there and eating more calories than I should. For a while I was getting on the elliptical daily or at the least every other day and getting 30 -45 min. Now my workout routine has become sporatic at best. Partly, the lack of exercise is because work has become very busy and life consuming since we are switching computer systems. Partly, I let the work outs slip because I just didn't want to do it, even though I knew I should.   The last month my weight has bounced between 187-190, basically the first 50 lbs fell off the last 7 have come about a pound a month.   I do follow the water thing religiously and I do not drink any type of carbonation. I have only had a couple of alcohol drink and they were mixed drinks, which is my preference anyway.   I have really started these last couple of weeks trying to get back on track and not allow myself a cheat. This isn't always easy, but it is something I must do. This time of year ice cream and iced coffee from McDonalds are deamons. I love these things during the summer months, so I am trying to avoid them.   I hope that I can rededicated my life to dear George and get him working like a champ again. I admit that I have not lived up to my end of the bargin, but George has agree to forgive me. However, George must be a little upset at me because for the last two days he has decided to tighten up to the point yogurt is my food of choice and it keeps me going for 4 hours. I wish he'd loosen up just a touch.   So to sum it up after a year of happy marriage to dear George D. Band we are still stitched together, just needing a little couple's therapy.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

1St Time Being Sick Since Banded

I guess it's the weather here in NC, but today I have a sore throat, head ache and sneezing. Totally sucks! I feel nauseous from the sinus drainage. On the plus side it makes me not want to eat and the coughing is giving my abs an awesome workout.   How does one handle nausea and the band?   I have always been a person who tosses her cookies easily. After surgery I got sick 4 times before it was controlled and I haven't had anything since. However, now I find myself nauseated and worried about getting sick and hurting my band.   Any advice?
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
 

190's

Last Friday was my 9 month anniversary with my band. My journey began last year about this time with the seminar and me trying to figure out if I was ready to make this step. I quickly decided that the band was best for me and began jumping through all the hoops to make it happen.   June 22,2012 was surgery day at 244 lbs!! The surgery went great and the following months were great. It seemed I was loosing between 5-7 lbs a month. In Dec. 2012 I was finally below the 200lb mark, my first big goal hit in 6 months.   3 months later and I am still sitting in the 190's and getting frustrated. I have toned some, which has gotten me in a size 14 summer clothes, which feels nice. Yet, I still keep jumping around in the 190's. Two weeks ago I saw the 190's for the first time, then it bounced right back up to 194. I saw it again last weekend, then boom back up to 193's where I was last week, yesterday 191, today back up 192.5.   My doctor says all this is normal. Plateaus are expected and we just have to keep moving to break them, it will just take time.   The only health issue that had begun to creep up on me before surgery was my blood pressure. Which has nicely come down and is now perfect. All other labs are perfect. I wear a size 14. Yet, I still want more.   I slide on my 14 shorts and my large T-shirt and I still see the big girl in the mirror. I know I am smaller, but I want more. My BMI still has me well into the obese range. I have to lose 30 more lbs to be in "just" the over weight zone. While the 1st 50 lbs came off realively easy, apparently the next 50 are going to come only by a tooth and nail fight.   I have spend the weekend being introspective, looking at myself and what I do and don't do. I must find a balance in my life that will get me to my goal and keep me there. I am not a lover of exercise, I'm just not. But, I do need to find more ways in my life to move more, which I have, but now I need to step it up even more.   I had been pretty much eating much of the same things as pre surgery (I was never as much an unhealthy eater as I was a big eater). Now, I think I must start looking at things that I can cut from my diet, such as cutting, at least, back on carbs. I do try and stick with healthy carbs, but hopefully my triming even those down I can get these next few lbs off.   This coming week will be a big test for me. The hubs and I are headed of to Disney for a week vacation. We both need a break from our jobs and in general life. While I am looking forward to the experience I know there will be a lot of food challenges. My doctor told me to try and not stress to much about it, that I would be burning a lot of calories moving around the parks and I would need more calories than normal. She said to remember to keep portion sizes low, make good choices and have fun.   I am hoping that the extra movement, the destressing and the trying to eat healthy will help slide me out of the 190's. I've spend 3 month's here and I am ready to leave.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

$1000 Milk Shake- NO WAY

The one thing I can say that is different about my food thinking is- I am a great deal more concious of what I eat and drink. Before I take something in, I often times will ask is it worth the calorie cost. The answer on many things is NOPE. This morning I was craving an Iced Mocha Latte from McDonalds- well the calorie cost isn't that high for the one I order (around 250), but to me it still was not worth it.   There was a day a day when if it tasted good I ate it, heck sometimes if it didn't taste good I'd eat it anyway. How sad is that? Now if I eat one bite and it's not appealing I am done- why waste the calories on something that isn't good. I would eat at meals like I'd never eat again, with the thought that the next meal I'd take it easy on- did I- no. Sometimes even now I find those old thoughts creaping up in my brain and I have to shake it off.   Now I am in a quest to find food that taste amazing and cost less in the calorie department. This isn't always easy to do. Last night I fixed homemade Chicken Alfredo with brocollini. For the pasta- spagetti squah, which is amazing, if you like paste I challenge you to try this- it is so easy to cook in the microwave. I made my own alfredo sauce that had no butter and was made with 2% milk rather than heavy cream. The chicken was boneless skinless chicken breast cut into bite size peices. Tossed a little brocolini florets in for color and add texture. It was awesome- so didn't feel like I was giving up anything. Just savored each bite.   I believe that if we were as concious with our calorie cost as we are with money cost there would be a lot less fat folk- I know I would be. So I try each day to look at my calorie count that way- is it worth the cost or not. Is it worth that extra pound I will see on the scale. You know what, there are times when it is worth it- but most of the time it isn't. If we live in this mind set it makes letting go of those calorie bombs not so difficult. For me sometimes, it makes thing taste less awesome, if I know it is loaded.   So, a challenge to us all- equate calories to dollars- is a milkshake worth $1000- NOPE
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
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