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Lapband Journey

Entries in this blog

 

Failure

I said at the start of this journey failure was not an option. I was not going through this to revert back into old habits.   While I haven't totally reverted back, over the last week I have noticed old thoughts and desires coming back into mind.   I am not sure if this is because of my exhaustion and busyness of late or what. I had my blood work done this week to see how I am on that front. Seems I am very low on Vit D and my B-12 is low even though I am taking a supplement as is my iron. So I am going back on multiple suppliments and increasing the B12 even though I was already taking the perscribed amount. I know that these things being low can increase my exhaustion level, so I am getting back to taking them right now!   My weight is still hanging at 188-189, but I still feel like a failure currently. Last weekend, Mother's Day- which is hard due to losing 3 babies- I went to my mom's for a family dinner. While I made sure there were Kime friendly foods there, there were also some of my fav desserts. I made my mom's fav cookie, which is also mine, Carmel Pecan Crunch. I ate 2 cookies- they were heaven. Then I took some Strawberry Cloud home. My mom's Strawberry cloud is a layer dessert consisting of angel food cake, crushed strawberries and a vanilla pudding/cool whip mixture. Mom does use the no sugar added pudding and cool whip due to my Dad's diabeties. But, still this was a dessert. Then yesterday a co-worker brought in her famous Pineapple Upside Down cake and I ate a slice. Normally, cake and me don't a long, but for some reason yesterday it gave me no issues. Then last night my hubs and I had some errons to run and some things to pick up so rather than cooking at home and having to clean up we went out to dinner. We needed something fast, which I should know better than that- fast and the band don't mix. We went to Chic-fil-a I order a kids chicken nuggett. (I use to eat two adult Chick nuggets). I ate the 1st nugget and bam- stuck. Took me 20 min in the bathroom to dislodge that sucker. I managed to eat a couple more nuggets and got stuck again so I gave up. I had not gotten stuck that day before that night, so I know it was from trying to eat to fast.   But, part of me felt like this was my band telling me I shouldn't be eating this. I know chicken nuggets aren't exactly health food, but I haven't had them in forever and really wanted them and I did opt for a smaller size. Maybe I am just trying to justify my choice.   The first of the week my weight bounced up to 190 and then back down to the 188-189 marks.   The failure feeling come in that I am 11 months post of next Wednesday. I have gone from 244 to 188, while I am happy 56 lbs is gone, I still feel like a failure and I should have lost much more by this point. All the negitive things people told me before banding are swirling around in my head- "you will only lose half of you excess weight, if you want to lose more do gastric", "you should just do gastric, you will lose more", "your to fat for the band", "why do this, you will just gain it back", "you've always been big why change now". Yes, people said that to me, which pissed me off at the time, but now I am feeling like they were right. I know it's great that 56 lbs is gone and I have kept it off. It took 4 months for me to lose 10 lbs- that is so ridiculas.   Many people on this site who had surgery at the same time as me have weight still melting off, so it's hard when the doctor tells me this is natural this far out for the loss to slow. I realize I should not compair myself to others, but it is hard not to. I am second guessing myself, wondering if I should just stop worrying about and live, if I lose more fine, if not fine. I didn't want to get to that point until I got to the 150's, which is almost 40 lbs away. I don't want to gain anything back, but I feel like if I don't lose more it still makes me a failure.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

9
 

Ever Evolving Process......

Thanksgiving day will be my 5 month band anniversary. As of today I have lost 43 lbs. I feel good and feel that I have been pretty successful. This hasn't been the easiest journey, but hasn't been as difficult as I once imagined.   I struggle with hunger at times and am in an ever evolving mode of searching for new healthy food options. I love finding tasty new ideas that are healthy. I have found a tasty stir-fry that both the hubs and I love that uses chicken breast, onions, 2 cloves of garlic and a bag of bird eye steam fresh asian medley veggies- so yummy with just a touch of low sodium soy sauce, a sprinkle of ginger, and a dash of red pepper flakes for heat.   Breakfast has become a struggle since I don't do mornings and can't drink protein shakes (makes me sick- I am odd I know). Some bandsters on here said to try a boiled egg or oatmeal- which I will be trying over the next couple of days. Gotta come up with something that will feel me up and not let me get so hungry before lunch.   Each time I go in for a feel and as I lose more weight things change and evolve regarding what works and doesn't work. At the start bread was no issue for me, however now, bread gets stuck, I guess that is because of the band being tighter. Whole wheat thin toast works ok. All meat use to be ok, but now if it is the slightest bit tough and I mean slightest I can't do it- just as well spit it out (I know gross). I have had to learn to brush a touch of olive oil over my chicken breast prior to baking so they are tender and juicy and that works great.   I am learning not to be so picky. As time goes on, I can eat so little at one time that I have gotten over being picky about what I have for a meal. If I have some left over veggies and can sprinkle some WW cheese on it heat them up and call it a meal. Before I would have had to have a full course.   I suppose everything is an evolution, I evolved into a fat person over years of over eating, not I am going the other way. I guess a slow steady evololution is the best way to go, which is what the band is helping with.   As this journey continues, I wonder what else will change? I wonder what I will learn to eat and what I will learn I don't want any part of?
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

2
 

Enemies

In the WLS journey we will meet all sorts of people: negitive nellies, debbie downers, encouragers, motivators, ect. We will find people at all stages who tell us we are making a mistake, or we will not succeed or we will gain it all back. Then we will find people who will encourage and motivate us to continue on the journey and keep working hard.   However, I think the worst enemy we run accross is ourselves. I have long know that I was my worst enemy. I am harder on myself than anyone else could ever be. For many years though I took a break from honestly looking at my weight. Once I did confront it and realize where I was and I had to do something about it, I have been really hard on myself. Maybe I don't forgive myself for allowing me to get to the 240's.   Now I am always second guessing myself- as I losing enough, what am I doing wrong, did I eat to much, did I eat enough. Honestly, the first months weren't to bad, the weight easily melted off and it was a true honeymoon period. Now, I am in the trenches fighting for ever ounce. I am always asking myself, am I drinking enough, am I eating to much - to little, am I moving enough. Can I, Will I?   The bottom line is I, me, myself is the ONLY one who can make this journey a success or failure. My doctor and NUT want me to succeed, hey it only makes them look good. The negitive people want me to fail. However, I am the only one with the power to do it or not. I must make the decisions to eat as I am told, to eat better higher quality foods, to move more and sit less.   There are people on this site that have done nothing short of AMAZING!! Amazing isn't a strong enough word here. I mean Missy- come on- 200 lbs in a little over a year- WOW that is fantastic. Carolina girl- 100lbs in 9 months- fabulous. Then there are the people on here that complain about the band not working or questioning is it okay to eat a whole pizza or did they just hurt their band by doing it. Then there are people, that I count myself in, that are trucking along- that aren't having grand losses, but aren't gaining either.   I have to say I am the one to blame for not doing as well as some. While I do move more than I did, I don't move as much as I could. When I got home yesterday, I should have taken my fat hind parts and hit the elliptical- instead I took it to the chair and relaxed due to a exhausting day at work. Those are the days when I need someone to slap my hind parts and tell me to get the h$%% up and MOVE.   I also am not as strick in my food as others. I was afraid that if I cut certain things out of my diet (carbs) that I would certainly relapse to being over weight. I wanted to hit a balance of eating anything I want just not as much. Well, that has worked pretty good (lost 50+ lbs), but I am starting to think after a 3 month SLLLLLOOOOOWWWW down in loss that I may have to reevaluate the situation. What can I cut or what can I cut more than I have. Like I said I am the only one with the power and I must enforce it.   I know that I will be to the point I am no longer obese and I believe I will get out of or at least to the low over weight BMI range, but I will do it in time. I will not do it in year, but by the 3 year post op mark I want to be in the wonderful 140's or at the least 150-155.   I have the power to do this- I just have to use the force!! May the force be with you to!!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
 

Embarrishment

When my hubs ask his mom what her Mother's Day/Birthday Wish was, her answer was come up and see me.   My MIL lives in Ohio and we see her about once, sometimes twice a year. She is a sweet little lady and I want to make her happy. But, with my insane work issues these days, it has been hard for the hubs and I to set a date to go. Which seemed to make the MIL very sad, but she didn't say anything.   After some time and getting some training dates and such I figured out when I could manage to get a few days off work. So last night we called her and told her we were looking at the weekend of July 27th and wanted to make sure that would work for her. She was elated and said that she would make it okay, if that was the only time it would work for us. So date said, headed north that weekend.   My MIL cheerfully continued to talk a bit and ask how much had I lost now. I turned red faced! When she was here in November she took me shopping for new clothes, at that time I had lost right at 50 lbs. Now it is 6 months later and I am only 8 more lbs down. So I lied a touch- I told her I was down 60 lbs and I am only down 58- so not to bad. My MIL had a friend who lost 100 lbs in a year. I am afraid she is going to be disappointed when she sees me.   I know it shouldn't bother me and I should be happy with the results so far, but I want her to see me as a success not a failure.   For some odd reason I always feel a need to impress my MIL. When I first started see my hubs it took her a long time to warm up to me. I am 7 almost 8 years younger than my honey. While she didn't say anything to him, she ask mutual friends if they thought I was just going for him for his money or if I really love him. Of course that was a LOL because I had seen his bank statement and if I was in it for money I would have quickly broken up with him. Anyway, she was still not getting the warm and fuzzys when we married, she told me on our wedding day - "make my son happy and don't leave him". Her tone was one of if you hurt him I will hurt you! My husband's first wife walked out on him just said she didn't love him maybe never did. He was messed up from this for a while.   When I got pregnant the MIL was all of a sudden so happy that I was in his life. After all I was going to give her a grandbaby. Then we had to call her a few weeks later and tell her we had lost the baby- this killed me - I hated to hear the disappointment in her voice, but she was very sweet to me. Since that time she and I have gotten along very well.   All I want to do is please her, which is nuts. Hopefully, getting on the Vit D will help my weight start heading down- maybe I will be at the 60 mark by July! I hope so.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
 

Easy Breezy....

WLS is not Cover Girl. Easy Breezy is not a definition that can be used when talking about WLS.   In reading the comments posted on Fox News regaurding Gov. Christie's lapband surgery, I was disturbed to see that people still see WLS as the easy way out. What I would like to know is what part of major surgery is easy?   While lapband surgery is not a horrible ordeal to face, it isn't all sugar plums and roses. I was sick after surgery, felt like crap. Then I had trouble taking in enough. Then I was starving hungry. Then when I started eating again I was terrified. As the first 50 lbs melted away I was thrilled with my decision to have lapband, once I got past the 199 mark, the next 10 lbs took 4 months! I am still very glad I choose this change and committed to it.   Just because you have WLS doesn't mean your cravings, desires, wants disappear. We have to learn to manage these things. WLS success requires a huge committment to change your lifestyle. This pathway to health is worth it, but it is far from easy.   May 22nd I will be 11 months post op and I have gone from 244 to 188. I have gone from wearing a tight 18W to a very comfy 14. I know longer wear the 1-2X shirts, I know easily wear a large. These things are awesome and make then changes I committed to well worth the struggle.   Every day brings with it a new set of challenges, opticles, highs and lows, but it is worth it to finally feel "normal".   I no longer walk into places and feel like people are looking at me due to my weight. I am no longer paranoid over it (well almost there). I love walking into stores and being able to find cute clothes. I walked past the Women's sizes the other day in Belk and saw a cute top- guess what all they had were to big for me . My husband hugs me and comments frequently how small I feel and how proud he is of me.   So no matter how people view the surgery, no matter if it is hard or easy, I don't give a rats bootie- this is my life and I choose health. I choose to change. I am on this journey. I still have 45 lbs left to loose. I won't make it to goal in a year. But by golly I will make it. One day, I will see the blessed 140's. I am not sure how much more changing and rearranging I will have to do to my life style, but I am committed and I will do what I must to finally acheive my dreams!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

5
 

Down And Out

So I am pretty down at the moment. Last month I kicked butt - lost 8lbs. This month 1 so far. I am stuck at 201. I know that for the last week I am eaten a little more than normal, but still well below my BMR. I know I only have myself to blame so I should just shut up and get back on the program.   With Thanksgiving coming and me cooking it, I hope that I can be good. I am really an addict. I see all the wonderful food and I want it. I have got to get back in touch with my control. I was so gun ho at the get go, but now I am falling down. Life has gotten busy and I am rushing trying to prep for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have something scheduled every single weekend from now until mid-Jan. I don't make time to excercise because I am going from before the sun rises until my head hits the pillow at night. Hadn't even had time to have "play" time with the hubs in 2 weeks until he finally said last night you gotta stop I just need a little time- so I stopped at 8:30 and spent and hour with him, feel kinda bad I feel asleep on his should.   I know this journey is all about me and I have got to take ownership of it, it is my responsibility to do what is required to make the band a success. The thing of it is that I have never had a lot of confidence in myself so I always have that fear in the back of my head that I will fail.   Today when I get home I have to go to the attic and get out all the christmas stuff - since Thanksgiving with the in-laws is both Thanksgiving and Christmas we are decorating. This is going to be a long couple of months!!!   Any encouragement would be appreciate!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
 

Difficulties through the Journey...

I think we all either have or will run into bumps in the lapband journey and we will all handle them in our own way.   I was banded June 22- the first week of Dec. I hit 199- Onederland- after starting at 244. The month of Nov. I only lost 2 lbs. and I fear Dec will be the same. My doctor says that isn't really a plateau and to not stress about it, easy for his 130 lbs runners body to say.   Granted, I haven't worked out must this last month. I have been busy with work (new system), getting ready for Christmas, Christmas parties and get togethers, and general household duties. I know there should be no excuses. However, when I get up at 5 am and and I don't stop going until 8:30 pm, that is all my body can give. As soon as my butt hits the chair I am asleep. Yesterday, it all caught up to me. Saturday night after our dinner party my head started hurting. I went to bed about 10 with it killing me. Woke of at midnight thinking I was going to have to go to the ER. I got some advil and took some. Woke up at 2 still killing me, but no worse. Again same thing at 5 and 6. I ended up not getting out of bed till noon. After that I felt groggy and like I'd been hit by a freight train. My hubs pointed out that maybe I needed the rest after running at such a rate for the last month and a half.   Today I am better, but frustrated. My weight is stalled in the 199-200 zone. I do weight daily, which I know many say don't do, but I track my trends. Since Dec. 2 my weight has been bouncing between 199.2 and 200.8. I have started back counting calories in the last week and my calorie counts daily stay between 1150 and 1300, most days closer to the 1200 mark. My fit bit says I am buring some where around 2000 calories a day so I should be losing around 1 lb a week at the least. But, I'm not. I am staying still.   I went to the doctor last week and it appears my thyroid is slightly off. I am going back this week to discuss meds. WTH- my thyroid wasn't off before surgery how the heck is it off now. No more than my thyroid is off my doctor says that shouldn't be causing a weight issue.   All this has gotten me down and frustrated and made all my fears resurface. Have I lost all I will loose? Am I destined to always be the fat chick? Can I do this? Am I failing my band? What am I doing wrong? Am I going to gain all my weight back?   I am freaking out right now. I want this so bad, but when I am doing what I suppose to (eating less moving more) and not losing I get so discouraged.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
 

Die Hard......

It is to true that old habits die hard. It doesn't seem to matter how long ago you put them away, you thought for good, they will still on occassion rear their ugly head. If we are not on the look out for them, it is very easy to fall prey.   This weekend, the hubs and I hosted my mom's 65 birthday party. I had about 35 people at my house. While it was an awesome night and every one had fun, I realized that I screwed up.   Our menu was hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill, sides were: chips, tater salad, cole slaw, baked beans, mac and cheese. I thought ahead enough to know I couldn't do the bread, so that was fine, I bought skinless hot dogs so I could have one with a little slaw on the side. I did good in the fact that I avoid the chips, mac and cheese, and tater salad. I had a small spoon of baked beans.   I was having a great time. I ate slowly- no stuck problems. Then it was dessert time. I had made a homemade apple cobbler and peach cobbler and had purchased a beautiful cake from BJ's. I also had ice cream to go with these. I ate a peice of cake and a spoon of ice cream on the side.   Granted in days past I would have eaten double, maybe triple what I ate that night. But, I still over did it. My band is really loose right now and that makes it really easy to slip up. (My appointment is Thursday- yeah) But, I can't blame my band, it is me, my choice. But, honestly I wasn't even thinking.   We had a ton of cake left and chips and burgers. I sent left overs home with my brothers being that one has 5 kids at home and the other has 3 at home. I did keep one small square of cake for me and my hubs to share- shouldn't have done that.   Yesterday, I woke up with the mother of all migraines. I managed to stay up right long enough to feed the dogs and tell the hubs I was going back to bed. I stayed their till noon. I got up cleaned my house up from the party the night before and the head ache returned, I hit the couch. I hardly moved yesterday. Felt like crap.   This morning I felt better- got up and hit the scale before heading out to work. 191.3- well the weekend certainly showing it's self. 3 lbs up for the lowest. I keep bouncing between 188 and 191 for the past 3 weeks.   I know I can do better, I should do better, I want to do better- but I keep slipping up. At the moment I am like screw it I want this- then I feel aweful. Granted I don't slip to bad, but a slip is a slip and bad either way.   I worry that I will never drop below this weight. Is this where I am destined to stay? Will I self-sabatage myself more? How do I get back on track and stay there?   You may say, well you have to do it, you have to want it. I do want it and I know I have to do it- but it is not easy, WLS is NOT the easy way out.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

4
 

Decisions.....

I had the lapband just a little over 11 months ago and have lost 58 lbs. Most within the 1st 6 months. I am glad I did it, it has change how I look at food and what I put in my mouth. I do feel healthier, just wish my weight loss was more.   I have made no secret about my anxiety disorder on this site. While I don't really like telling people around me about my disorder, I want this place to be my safe zone where I can discuss it.   I am currently taking Paxel, which has changed my life, in the fact that I hardly have any symptoms of my disorder now- which is AWESOME!!   I also, have discussed my difficulty in having a child. Prior to getting banded I had 3 miscarriages. The doctors never figured out the cause.   Now, I have been given the green light from my surgeon to try for a child, I have to stop my Paxel. This worries me, the last thing I needs is my anxiety returning during pregnancy. My OB/GYN has is trying to transition me for Paxil to a different SSRI that is ok during pregnancy. Once I have been ok on that for a month or two I can go ahead and try.   This being said, the hubs and I have decided to try one more time. With all the med stuff, we can't try until July or Aug, but we are going to try.   I am not sure if it will take this time around or not. Honestly, I some what fear getting pregnant, in that I know I will gain weight and I don't want to gain weight, but I must for a healthy baby. So to that end I must be very careful and take good care of myself to make sure I don't gain any more weight than I need to.   None the less I am excited about trying again and I know that with support and help whatever weight I do gain I can get back off once the little one is here.   So please send a prayer up for me!!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

2
 

Death And Food

I am 100% Southern Girl. Being that I was born, raised and still live in the south, certain things are a given.   My Grandmother passed away last Wed night at 88 years old. She was a wonderfully awesoem little lady that was not only Grandma, but one of my best friends. I spent many hours with her through the years and loved her dearly. On Thursday I went to my mother's and was there through Monday morning. Neighbors, friends, family and church family brought tons of food. Bringing food to the those who just lost a loved one is a huge part of southern culture as is the large amount of fried chicken we had. A healthy food was hard to come by.   My parents live in the middle of no where, so going to pick something better up wasn't really an option. So I made the best of what I had trying to make good choices. Well, I learned reheated chicken and my lapband do not mix. I had a horrible stuck episode. The pain was horrible after about 20 min I finally got it up and banded chicken from my diet for sometime to come. This took place Saturday and since I fear eating anything because anything with much consistancy causes pressure. Water and liquid goes down fine as does cereal and yogurt, but anything else causes pressure.   Due to the slim pickins of healthy foods I have gained 2 lbs. This is the only gain in weight I have had in the 4 months since surgery. Part of me, the depressed down part, wants to say forget it eat what I want and whatever goes down easy and the other part says jump back on the horse and get back to eating right and that 2 lbs will come off.   It is easier to stick to what we are suppose to do when thing are going ok, but hit a bumpy patch and it's hard to stick to it. I know that I must get back on the horse or I will gain back every one of the 40 I lost and I do not want to do that. It is just hard.   I am so tired and emotionally exhauseted I am having a hard time doing what I know I need to. Right now I just want to sleep. I am back at work and have done ok with eating today (soft only) and I think I will just have a scrambled egg for dinner so my calorie count is fine or even low for the day.   Any one have some encouragement to get me back on the horse? I need a swift kick in the butt- CG come one girl I know you got something !!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

4
 

Could I? Should I? Maybe if... Just this....

You hear and see a lot on this site " just because you can eat more doesn't mean you should".   Frankly this is the case if you have the band or not. We all got here because we could and did and we "just this onced" more than once.   Most of us have doctors who gave us very specific orders as to how much we are to eat at a time. My doctor said a cup. Have I ever eaten more than that at a meal- yes, alot more- no, should I have - no. I got use to eating a lot at one sitting pre-band. I was never much of a snacker / crap eater, but I was a big eater at meal time. I could eat with the big boys, which was why I became a big girl. In my obese mind food was good and more was better.   Now that I have the band food still taste good, really good, but I know that I MUST stop at a cup. Why must I stop, 1- My band has made my stomach about the size of a golf ball (that ain't big) 2- I DO NOT want to stretch it or damage my band 3- I really do want to loose weight. So while I could likely eat a lot even now post-banded I do not "want" to. (There is that word again- WANT)   There are times, especially at family events, that I find myself helping my plate like I use to eat and I have to go whoa- not gonna happen. It's hard to lose the mantality of being a big eater at times.   There are some banders on here who say there band reminds them or prevents them from eating "bad" foods or to much. Well, my band doesn't.   What does my band do? It helps me eat slower and stay satisfied longer with less. I do get stuck on occassion, but that is normally because I tried to eat to fast or didn't chew well enough. My job as the band user is to listen to my body and if I am not hungry DON'T EAT. When I do eat, eat things that are good for me (protein, veggies, fruits) and keep my portion sizes down. I do not need to eat a gallons worth of food, my body only needs a cup.   It isn't always easy to do our part, the band is there willing and able to help, but we (I) must do my part. Each time I eat when I'm not hungry, eat more than I should, or eat "crap" foods I imagine my band sitting there hanging in shame.   The band will not, can not help me if I choose to go against it. So next time I think well just a little more or just this once I will remind myself that those thoughts is what got me to the place where I needed the band.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

Coping Skills

Even though I work in computers now with the school system, my college degree was actually Counseling with a concentration in Substance Abuse.   While working at a drug treatment center I worked with patients on developing coping skills to help them deal with cravings to use. We would tell them, they must avoid people, places and things that are triggers; some to the point of having to live some where other than where they came from.   During that time I was in denial that I myself was an addict, but my drug of choice was food. Unfortunatly, I can't avoid food. I must eat, but as I continue on the self reflective journey I have been on of late, I realize that I have food triggers. Cookies- I love them, they are buttery and chewy and oh so good. If I make cookies and eat one, I can't stop- I must eat more. Ice Cream is another problem, I love ice cream, any shape or form- cones, cups, shakes- yum. So I know, no ice cream should be kept in the house because I won't stop until it is all gone.   Now you may say, where is you will power, where is your want power? I do want to lose weight, but there are times where it is like an out of body experience, I realize what I am doing is wrong and I will regret it, but I can't stop- this is classic addict behavior.   If you are able to use your want power to prevent you from ever slipping up- awesome for you- but addicts many times can not rely strictly on that.   I am actully going back and reading some of my old college textbooks to help myself with this addiction. While I have lost a little more than half of what I want to lose, in order for me to lose more and here is the key- keep it off- I must figure out my triggers and develop coping skills for dealing with these.   Is this journey easy- heck no! Will it be worth it- heck yes. But, I feel I will be much more successful long term now that I am looking at this for what it is! Just like drug, tobacco, alcohol addiction is a life long battle- so is food addiction.   For those of you who what I am saying rings true, take a look at yourself- what are your triggers- what can you do to cope with them.   So with that- Hello, my name is Kim and I am a foodaholic.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

4
 

Confusion

There is much confusion surround WLS surgery and WL in general.   Some people think- oh WLS is easy, now you can eat what you want and not have to worry about it. That is soooo wrong. Actually, I worry about what I put in me more. Rather think about, I have to make sure what I am eating has protien, is healthy, and won't get stuck.   Some, and I have even been guilty of this, think the scale is the only sign of success. What gets me and I have had this confersation with the doc, is that doctors look at BMI only. You get on the scale and they say oh you are over weight- shame, shame, you must diet. They don't look at everything- your over all health. While we know being morbidly obese is not good and leads to many healthy problems, being slightly over weight is another ball game.   I weight 187 lbs, I have been in a 14 for months and now I am starting to move to 12's. While my weight isn't going down, apparently I am toning and my waist is smaller. My wedding rings are falling off my hand. My glasses slide down my nose. Heck, even my socks are big on my feet. So while I see the scale number not moving, something has to be happening because of my clothes.   Some seem to think that WLS is a magic bullett and it will cure all that ails you. No way, I wish my mental fatness was cured. I still feel the part of the fat girl. I am amazed when smaller clothes fit, I still feel huge. I still crave the unhealthy. I still have to fight the demons that make me want to eat when I am not really hungry. The triggers are still there, I just have to recognize them and fight them.   It's funny many people I work say nothing about my weight loss, ignore it. No one says hey you look good or gee you've lost a lot of weight. I know I must look smaller after loosing 60 lbs, but I wish people would notice. I actually like it when people ask, I like educating people on WLS. Some think it's a good thing, other think I was crazy. But, it is my decision, I made it and I believe in it. My band may mess up some day, I may have to have a revision, but for now it's working just fine and I am happy with it.   My brother who is a medic, freaked when I told him. He said I was making a mistake. He worked with some one who thew up everything he eats and he hurts all the time. The band has made his life miserable. I told my brother, that isn't how the band is suppose to work, likely the dude is to tight or is trying to eat to fast and or to much. Now my brother sees what the band can do if worked properly.   So, if people as- yes I had the band and this is how it works for me.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

0
 

Compairsons

It is in our human nature to compare one thing to the other. We do it from the time we are kids- remember with siblings- he got more than me thing. We start compairing early.   By the time we reach school age we are compairing clothes, looks, ect with our classmates. And you always hear he's/she's not as cute as xyz. Then we begin compairing ourselves to others- her hair is prettier than mine, she has more friends than me, she has nicer clothes, ect. Our self esteems are molded some what by these compairsons.   I know for certian mine were. I have always felt like the ugly duckling. I have been large since 5 years old. In school I was picked on and it got worse in middle school. I hated being fat, but all that hate just drove me to the nearest donut, which intern made me fater.   Now that I am taking control of my life and have had lapband and am losing weight, the compairsons do not end. Chances are all of us have compared our self to another member of this forum- either boy I am glad I am not them they aren't losing much weight- or - it's not fair she is losing more weight than me. It's just in our nature.   I have compared myself to others several times and gotten down and out. Some people are really rocking it.   I talked to my nutritionist about this and she had some great throughts. 1- Body weight percentage has to been taken into account- those with more to lose will lose quicker. 2- Life style - some people have jobs that are more active than others and we can't control that- most of us need to work and have to do what we do. Some people can't due to health reason work out where others can. 3- Muscle mass- some people scale wise appear to not be losing, but are losing fat because they are working out and building muscle that weighes more than fat- this is a great thing because the more muscle you have the more fat your burn. 4- responsiblity- it is sometimes our own fault when we aren't losing- we CHOOSE to eat high calorie foods that just slide down, we CHOOSE not to be active, we CHOOSE not to follow doctors orders   This conversation with my nutritionist made me feel better. She said that when I compair myself to another person I need to look at these things. If I am doing everything I am suppose to do then I have no need to belittle myself. The bottom line is at the end of each month the scale trend in going down, therefore I am successful for me!   I hope that I can stop compairing myself to others, but if I happen to I will take these things into account before I let the bad thoughts drive me to a mouth full of krispy creme.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
 

Committed Relationship

I met my wonderful amazing husband 5 years ago and married him 3.5 years ago. He is my biggest fan and support. Once he went to the seminar on WLS he was fully supportive of me having the band. Over the next couple of months I hemed and hawed about would I be, could I be successful on this journey. He kept telling me that ofcourse I would, I just needed to commit to him as I did him.   Soooo.......   I am in a committed relationship with my band. My band is 100% behind me losing weight. While my band can't prevent me from eating more than I should or eating things that are unhealthy for me; it can help me stay satisfied longer on less, that is if I allow it to. When I think about my band from this perspective- I think about I would never cheat on my husband why would I want to cheat on my band. Ruining my marriage would be painful, but ruining my band and having to have another surgery wouldn't be a walk in the park either. Just like with a marriage you have to work at it, I have to work at my band life. Some days it will be easy and other days it won't, but I don't give up on my marriage just because of one road bump and I won't give up on my band either.   Just like I want my marriage to last forever, I want my band life to last to.   So with this being said.... ( I am calling my band George)   I promise to love, honor, and cherish George forever!!   Are you in a committed relationship with your band?
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

4
 

Choices

This last month has been a wild ride.   I started off with the goal of working out daily and eating no more than 1200 calories a day no matter what. The first two weeks I did well and stuck to it even though the scales really didn't move much.   Then my grandmother passed away. Not only was I faced with lots of emotion (we were extremely close- she was my friend as well as grandma) and tons of food that wasn't the best foods for me. Being that I was away from home for 5 days in the deep country- finding better food options really weren't possible. I attempted to make the best choices of what I had, but still felt like I was going way over my 1200 allowed calories even though I wasn't counting (no access to my apps).   When I returned home from the services, I had a sore throat which balloned into a horrible head cold and then broncitis.   So 2 weeks of no excercise and not eating the best in the world, but drinking water and SF hot tea like crazy. I thought for sure that when I went in for my fill my weight would be up and they wouldn't give me a fill. Low and behold - I had the best month since month 1. I lost 8 lbs!   My weight is at 202, just 3 lbs from my first major goal- onederland! I did get another fill and an agressive one at that. My doctor is super excited and said for where I started most patients don't hit this point until month 6-8, so she is very happy.   Maybe I could increase my weight loss more by cutting out carbs and such, but what I am doing now is sustainable. I am still eating the foods I love (pizza and pasta's) just eating far less of it than I did at one point. I use to think my metabolism was really low because I didn't eat that much so it had to be screwed up for me to weight that much- well I was in denial. I was gorging at times. Food consumed my life rather than fueling it. That has changed - I eat what I like, I am just mindful about how much and how bad it is.   I choose to make better choices and that has made all the difference!!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

Choices

We all say we like choices, but really do we? I mean choices is what got me to 250 lbs. I made bad ones!! Now that I have the band and am working toward losing weight I have choices to make.   While the band does keep me from eating crap and it doesn't prevent me for gaining weight- it does prevent me from eat a lot at the time, as long as it is not slider foods.   Pre-band I made a lot of bad choices. Basically, I ate, A LOT. I would eat when I was bored, I would eat when sad, mad, glad; I would eat when it was "time". Plus, I choose a lot of bad things. Like a milkshake to follow a big mac and fries- just the thought of that now makes me want to hurl. How the heck did I eat that much at a time.   Now I must, in order to loose weight, choose to eat healthy item. I must choose lean proteins, veggies, fruit, healthy carbs if any. These are my choices. Each of us made a choice to have band surgery. After surgery we have a choice, to follow a healthy life style and allow our band to do it's job aiding us in the effort or we can choose to continue down the same path we were on before the band.   In the early days the choices can seem harder. Before I had much restriction, I could still, if I choose, eat a lot; but I made a choice to follow the rules set before me by my doctor. The weight fell of which motivated me to continue.   As I got more restriction with fills the choice to eat more dwindled. If I ate half of what I did pre-band I would feel like I had eaten a cow. I would be uncomfortable and sick. However, as the months past my weight loss slowed and the motivation to continue to path lessend. I can eat whatever I want just not much of it. However, if I choose to put junk in I will not loose weight. If I choose heavy calorie and carb laden foods my weight with either remain the same or go up. So it is still my choice.   Sometimes I wish I had someone beside me every min saying her eat this, you can't have that, walk away, ok that is fine, ect. I just to say well, if I was a celeb and could afford a personal trainer and a personal chef I could loose weight to, but even with those you can choose to make band choices- you could still hit the McD's drive through.   Each day, each min, each hour I make a choice to do right by my band or turn my back on it and it's willingness to help me.   Making the right choice isn't always easy, but that doesn't mean we should take the easy road. For those who say WLS is easy, no, what would be easy would be to have stayed the way I was and continue to eat like I did and gain weight. But, now I have made a choice to change, a choice that I live with daily; but I have to continue to make right choice in this journey.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

0
 

Change

If you are easily offended stop reading now- here come some tough love!   I am a human, a woman, a wife, a mom to 4 wonderful fur babies, a daughter, sister, friend, emplyee, co-worker and many many more things. I have a big life, but that doesn't mean I need to be big. I am the first person to tell you I am NOT perfect, I have my vices, and life gets the best of me at times.   I use to think I was active - I was kidding myself. I came home from work and stayed there- not moving any more than I had to. I was lazy, I am still lazy, but I move now in spite of it.   If you are like me then I am sorry you gotta get your fat tusey up and move. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same result. Soooo, if you want to and expect to loose weight, guess what you have got to CHANGE!!!!   If you sit on your big butt and do nothing you will NOT loose weight!! If you continue to eat unhealthy things and large portions you WILL NOT loose weight!!!! Sorry, but it is the truth!!!   I am speaking to myself as much as I am others.   I push myself to get up and do things. For instance, yesterday I working in my yard for a bit - planted a few flowers after work. Then made a healthy dinner (tacos - mine with out the shell). After dinner I went to a friends house and treated their yard for fire ants (they are blind and can't see the little buggers). I came home played with the dogs, got a shower, got stuff ready for today, cleaned the kitchen. You know what after all that I felt good and then slept good.   You have to push yourself sometimes to move. If you don't want to exercise find something you do enjoy that gets you moving and DO IT!!! I love gardening. Even though I live in the city, I put in a 20 x 3 row garden in my yard and am planing some yummy veggies (cumcumbers, peppers, tomatos, squash). I plant flowers in my front yard and am working on relandscaping that. I love working with my hands so I am finding ways to do that but that make my body active while doing it. I love walking the dogs so I do that instead of WALKING to exercise. It's all in how you define it.   As far as eating goes, we all got fat by eating things we don't need and to much at a time. To start with I thought if I just cut portions I would be fine - WRONG. I have since learned a lot of things I ate were not as healthy as I once believed. I read labels now. Do I do with out things - some, but not many- Am I unhappy about that - NO. For instance I LOVE alfredo yum oh. Alfredo sauce at a resturant and store bought is really not good for you- full of fat and calories. Sooo, I experimented and created my own healthy alfredo sauce that the hubs and I actually like better. I've also experimented with other recipes and veggies to make them healthier. How do you do this - read a labels, experiment. I enjoy cooking so I get up and move around my kitchen and experiment. I have lots of friends and family who don't mind being gunie pigs. I cook and dance around my kitchen to some good 'ole country- guess what I am burning calories while doing this .   Yeah, I have only lost 55 lbs in 9.5 months- but hey I have lost half of my excess body weight. I am in a size 14- so that says something. Plus I am learning more everyday about what leading a healthy life style means and making small changes all a long.   While it is FRUSTRATING, SUCKY, CRAPPY, to loose slowing after having surgery, I am loosing. Plus, like others have said this is not a race- this is a life long journey.   I will get to a healthy weight it won't be tomorrow, but I just as well enjoy the journey and learn as much as I can so when I get there I can stay there!!   Sooooo, CHANGE already you are worth it. If you are a person who can't make a lot of changes at once, make little ones along the way- they will add up.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

0
 

Can you hear it...........

Can you hear your band?   My band I think is bipolar. One day he yells at me, the next quite as a mouse, then the next firm but forgiving. Ok- what does this mean. One day I get stuck no matter how well I chew, the next day I can eat anything I want with no issue whatsoever, then the next after two meatball George's stop, now that is enough. What is up with that, why can't he be consistant???   For many of you, as it is for me over eating was the biggest cause of my weight- rather than just what I ate. I mean I love veggies, but even to much of a good thing can be bad. My portions is what I must watch and control. I know everyone says because you can eat more doesn't mean you should- this is exactly right, but when it taste so heavenly you want just one more bite. Some day George D. Band allows one more bite, some days he slaps me up side the head and says nope, I am going to make you pay for that. Then on occassion is clamly say, slow it down girlfriend it's time to stop. I enjoy the calm days, we get along really well those days.   For instance today- breakfast: Light & Fit Greek Yogurt 2X protien with two tablespoons of granola on top- snack 5 snowpeas with ranch dip (greek yogurt dip)- lunch 2 meat balls a little larger than a quarter. Each meal George said stop and I did. Days like today, he makes it easy, but there are others where I wonder what sector of hell he came from.   At 13 months out I have only lost 60 lbs . There are so many out there doing so much better than me, and I lament. I have 45 lbs more I want to lose. I know, I eat what I want, I don't feel I sacrifice, should I sacrifice. What more do I need to do? Gotta do something?
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

7
 

Blah............

It has been a long time since I have written or read much on this site. Work is kicking my butt, working about 9-10 hours a day in the office, then coming home to do house work. It's become a work, work, work atmosphere and it's getting me down.   This past Sunday I spent most of the day sleeping, I was exhausted. It's just Tuesday and I have already put in 22 hours. My body aches, I feel blah, and have zero motivation or desire to do anything more that what is necessary. Exercise just ain't happening and lately neither has healthy eating.   I caught myself today eating like I use to and it scared me. I haven't had time to think lately or put much effort into meals. Breakfast is still the same yogurt, blueberries with a sprinkle of granola. Lunch is anything from cereal to take out. Today a friend went to Moes and got me a burrito bowl. I was busy working at my desk, she put it in front of me and said eat. I said thanks and started working. I was working and eating and caught myself mindlessly eating and shoveling it in. That is a habit I never want to see again. When I finally get home from work, I have no energy left to want to cook, so it easy stuff like bag meals or delivery pizza.   Thankfully, this crazy time tends to only last about a month, before things get back to normal. I can't wait!! My stress level is higher than it's been in a very long time, people at work are ill, the new computer system at work plan out sucks and cause me to work twice as hard to do half the work. Honestly, I want to sit down and cry.   My weight is still holding in the 186-189 range, which I guess I should be thankful that it hasn't gone up considering my horrific eating habits of late. With all the stress it causes me to look at myself like I use to- like a huge fat blob that will never loose weight so why try. I know 60 lbs are gone, but I still feel huge.   I am guessing it's the working myself to the bone, exhaustion, time of the month, ect that are getting me down. I had so hoped that by this time or at least by Christmas this year I would be at my goal of 140, but I am starting to think I will never get there and why try.   Any one with some words of wisdom or some encouragement out there? Totally feeling down and unworthy.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

6
 

Best Weekend In Forever!!

My hubs and I married 3 years ago Labor Day weekend, so even though our anniversary is Wed, we celebrated this weekend. Rather than going to Cheesecake Factory where we normally go (we got engaged there), we went to Moe's where I knew I could get something with my calorie range that I would like. Then we went into the mall where he got me 2 pairs of Danskos and then we went into a jewlry store where he bought me a new diamond. Totally awesome hubs!! Shoes and diamond a girls two favorite things- he said he was proud of me and he loved me so he wanted me to know it.   On top of that I lost 3 lbs this weekend (upped my calories and that made it come off) tired the shock thing. Before heading out with the hubs I put on a fav pair of shorts- pulled them up, zipped them, button them and was like wait - these are hanging off me- I pulled at the bottom of the and they slipped right off. YEAH- I tossed them to the side. This morning I put on a pair of pants that I hadn't worn in 5 years and the fit perfect. Everyone at work has commented today on how good I look!! What a boost. Now at lunch, I heated up a Smart Ones Chicken and Peanut Sauce, I ate the chicken bites first and then started eating the other- well after a few bites I was like wow I just don't want any more. I tossed a 3rd of it. YEAHHHHH!!   What a difference a few days can make in attitude. I am sure I will hit another low point, but boy do these high points feel awesome!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

Battle

At the start of this journey in June 2012 I was excited and ready to go. I was determined that I was going to be a big looser. Next week I will be 8 months out and I have only lost 50 lbs.   I really did think I would lose more in this time. Even though my doc seems happy enough I am still frustrated. When I went in for a fill last week my weight was up 1 lb from what it was at the prior visit- total bummer. Even though just days earlier I had seen the lowest weight ever on the scales (193) since that my weight in 2 days jumped to 197 then drop right back down to 194- had to be water weight right? Well for the last week and a half my weight has been bouncing from the 193's to the 195's each morning (I weight the same time of day in the same thing so it is constant). I am not over eating, I am not eating calorie loaded things, I have a calorie deficit each day. Right now I am not working out because I have felt like crap from having sinus issues.   The hubs keeps telling me it's because I'm not working out. While I know I could find the time to fit it in, it is hard. I am tired, really tired by the time I finish all my have to's for the day. I am taking my C, D and B vitamins that my doctor perscribed.   While I know plateaus are normal course, I hate that it happend so early in the game. I have told many people you don't fail until you stop trying. I am still trying, but it is so hard to stay positive.   While I feel like I am in a green zone. 1 cup can totally hold me for 4-5 hours and even then I am not starved. My doc said not to miss meals so I have to set a timer on my phone to remind me it's time to eat. I am starting to feel like that is all I do.   Breakfast at 6 (Oatmeal) Snack 10:00 (greek yogurt) Lunch 12-1 depends on what is going on at work What depends on what we had the night before. ~Snack - 4 ish depends on what I had for lunch- if I am really not hungry I just can't make myself eat Dinner- 5:30 to 6:30 depending on when the hubs gets home   I am feeling like I am damed if I do and damed if I don't.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
 

Bad Advice Buddy

When I first started thinking about being banded I talked to a co-worker who had lost 60 + lbs and gotten to a size 10 after being banded. She was really encouraging and told me if I did it she would be there to help me along.   Well after being banded she turned on me- she was always telling me I was doing it wrong and not being helpful at all. I stopped discussing the band with her to prevent any bad feelings after all I have to work with this woman. Since my surgery it's like it pushed her to get back on the wagon and she has lost an additional 20 lbs and is rubbing it in my face. Rude a little?   Now she has begun telling me things like- you can eat reg food after getting a fill, it won't hurt you- your doctor is to restrictive you don't need to drink all that water it's not good for you you are getting fills to often   I do not ask for advice, but I get it anyway. Frankly I just ignore her advice because we didn't have the same surgeon and I trust and like my surgeon and prefer to listen to him not her.   Her bad advice is just bugging me. Yes, she has had great success and done very well, looks great. I don't know if she is following the same things she is telling me or if she is trying to sabatoge me. I refuse to listen to her, but now she is giving advice to someone else who is considering the band, which upsets me because this person doesn't know anything about it. I want to step up and say something, but that person hasn't come to me to ask for advice so I feel like it would be butting in and could possibly cause some tention in the work place.   My weight loss has been painfully slow, but it will keep coming down. I am happy that I was banded and have finally excepted that my body will drop the weight on it's on time table. I gained a little over Christmas, but feel confident that I will take it off.   It's just hard to come to work and have someone rub their loss in your face and tell you that you are doing it wrong when I am doing what my doctor say do.   What's a girl to do?
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

6
 

Attitude

Charles Swindall wrote a statement about attitude...   "The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.   Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home.   The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.   And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes."   I have always loved this and have it hanging in my office. I hadn't really thought about it lately, but I happened to notice it this morning. I think we can add that attitude can make or break a weight loss plan.   I know for me I have days when I am down in the dumps and it would be so easy to reach for a candy bar, but I choose to reach for my water bottle instead. The people around us, the scale, the weather, heck the day of the week tend to play a role in our mood. But the part he says that 10% of life is what happens to me and 90% is how I react. How freaking true is that? So when my mood gets skewed I have to choose my reaction, I have to choose to deal with out using food. Also, in situations where food is avalible, how will I react- I should react with - if I am hungry= eat, if am am not= pass.   For me I have got to not use food, well let me change that- calories, as a reward for doing well or a reward for dealing with difficulty situation. For instance, yesterday was one hellva day for me. Crap hit the fan for work, dealth with several difficult parents and one pissy co-worker. I could have gone home and drank and entire bottle of wine. After all that would calm me and I deserved it after a rough day. NO I DID NOT DESERVE IT- I deserve to do something better for me than take in empty calories. I am proud of myself, I jumped on my elliptical and did a 30 min intense interval tranining. I was sweating like a pig, but when I got off I felt better, my mood was better and I was happy when the hubs got home.   So, the question is how will we react to this band, how will we react to situation that use to cause us to eat till we were stuffed?   What's your attitude?
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

Alternatives

I having been looking for alternatives for things I love that will be healthier and here are somethings I have found:   Spagetti Squash instead of pasta. You can cook it in the mircowave and then stread with a fork and you have pasta, with LESS carbs. Plus it's really tasty.   Couscous instead of rice. I do eat brown rice sometimes, but I get tired of it. Some times I want something that taste good and decatant, but won't kill the "diet". If you use a little olive oil in a sauce pan, heat it up add a chopped onion and 3-4 garlic cloves. Cook until the onions are done, add 1 cup of water and bring to a boil. Once it is boling take it off the heat add one cup of coucous and let it sit. Once it as sat about 4 min, take a fork and fluff- add a little parm cheese for a little extra something. While couscous does have carbs it also had more protein and fiber. If you get stuck on rice, you likely won't get stuck on this because the grains are so fine.   Veggie chip instead of potato chips. I make my own chips. I purchased a Pampered Chef chip maker. I use zucchini, yellow squash, sweet potato, apples to make my own chips. Plus I can season like I want using less salt. You can make a bunch and put in plastic bags and save for later.   Greek yogurt instead of sour cream in recipes. There is a slight difference, but you like will not notice. I use the 0% Fage.   Bullion instead of oil in veggies. If you are from the south, your mama likely put a little grease in her veggies (like steamed cabbage or string beans). To perk of the flavor just add a teaspoon of beef bullion to veggies. This will give you flavor and all the salt you'll want.   Fruit parfait rather than a sundae. When I want a dessert type food this is my go to. Cut up one large strawberry in the bottom of a bowl top with a Table spoon of Fage 0% greek yogurt, put a few blue berries on top. Sprinkle a teaspoon or organic granola or flax seed on top. Another good treat is to cut a fresh peach in half, place on a hot grill and flip about 2 min later cook 2 more min, remove top with a small spoon of greek yogurt- this is really yummy.   These are just a few I have found- what healthy swaps have you found?
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
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