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Kime-lou's Blog

A blog by Kime-lou

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Lapband Journey

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It has been a long time since I have written or read much on this site. Work is kicking my butt, working about 9-10 hours a day in the office, then coming home to do house work. It's become a work, work, work atmosphere and it's getting me down. This past Sunday I spent most of the day sleeping, I was exhausted. It's just Tuesday and I have already put in 22 hours. My body aches, I feel blah, and have zero motivation or desire to do anything more that what is necessary. Exercise just ain't happening and lately neither has healthy eating. I caught myself today eating like I use to and it scared me. I haven't had time to think lately or put much effort into meals. Breakfast is still the same yogurt, blueberries with a sprinkle of granola. Lunch is anything from cereal to take out. Today a friend went to Moes and got me a burrito bowl. I was busy working at my desk, she put it in front of me and said eat. I said thanks and started working. I was working and eating and caught myself mindlessly eating and shoveling it in. That is a habit I never want to see again. When I finally get home from work, I have no energy left to want to cook, so it easy stuff like bag meals or delivery pizza. Thankfully, this crazy time tends to only last about a month, before things get back to normal. I can't wait!! My stress level is higher than it's been in a very long time, people at work are ill, the new computer system at work plan out sucks and cause me to work twice as hard to do half the work. Honestly, I want to sit down and cry. My weight is still holding in the 186-189 range, which I guess I should be thankful that it hasn't gone up considering my horrific eating habits of late. With all the stress it causes me to look at myself like I use to- like a huge fat blob that will never loose weight so why try. I know 60 lbs are gone, but I still feel huge. I am guessing it's the working myself to the bone, exhaustion, time of the month, ect that are getting me down. I had so hoped that by this time or at least by Christmas this year I would be at my goal of 140, but I am starting to think I will never get there and why try. Any one with some words of wisdom or some encouragement out there? Totally feeling down and unworthy.

August 27, 2013

6

Failure

I said at the start of this journey failure was not an option. I was not going through this to revert back into old habits. While I haven't totally reverted back, over the last week I have noticed old thoughts and desires coming back into mind. I am not sure if this is because of my exhaustion and busyness of late or what. I had my blood work done this week to see how I am on that front. Seems I am very low on Vit D and my B-12 is low even though I am taking a supplement as is my iron. So I am going back on multiple suppliments and increasing the B12 even though I was already taking the perscribed amount. I know that these things being low can increase my exhaustion level, so I am getting back to taking them right now! My weight is still hanging at 188-189, but I still feel like a failure currently. Last weekend, Mother's Day- which is hard due to losing 3 babies- I went to my mom's for a family dinner. While I made sure there were Kime friendly foods there, there were also some of my fav desserts. I made my mom's fav cookie, which is also mine, Carmel Pecan Crunch. I ate 2 cookies- they were heaven. Then I took some Strawberry Cloud home. My mom's Strawberry cloud is a layer dessert consisting of angel food cake, crushed strawberries and a vanilla pudding/cool whip mixture. Mom does use the no sugar added pudding and cool whip due to my Dad's diabeties. But, still this was a dessert. Then yesterday a co-worker brought in her famous Pineapple Upside Down cake and I ate a slice. Normally, cake and me don't a long, but for some reason yesterday it gave me no issues. Then last night my hubs and I had some errons to run and some things to pick up so rather than cooking at home and having to clean up we went out to dinner. We needed something fast, which I should know better than that- fast and the band don't mix. We went to Chic-fil-a I order a kids chicken nuggett. (I use to eat two adult Chick nuggets). I ate the 1st nugget and bam- stuck. Took me 20 min in the bathroom to dislodge that sucker. I managed to eat a couple more nuggets and got stuck again so I gave up. I had not gotten stuck that day before that night, so I know it was from trying to eat to fast. But, part of me felt like this was my band telling me I shouldn't be eating this. I know chicken nuggets aren't exactly health food, but I haven't had them in forever and really wanted them and I did opt for a smaller size. Maybe I am just trying to justify my choice. The first of the week my weight bounced up to 190 and then back down to the 188-189 marks. The failure feeling come in that I am 11 months post of next Wednesday. I have gone from 244 to 188, while I am happy 56 lbs is gone, I still feel like a failure and I should have lost much more by this point. All the negitive things people told me before banding are swirling around in my head- "you will only lose half of you excess weight, if you want to lose more do gastric", "you should just do gastric, you will lose more", "your to fat for the band", "why do this, you will just gain it back", "you've always been big why change now". Yes, people said that to me, which pissed me off at the time, but now I am feeling like they were right. I know it's great that 56 lbs is gone and I have kept it off. It took 4 months for me to lose 10 lbs- that is so ridiculas. Many people on this site who had surgery at the same time as me have weight still melting off, so it's hard when the doctor tells me this is natural this far out for the loss to slow. I realize I should not compair myself to others, but it is hard not to. I am second guessing myself, wondering if I should just stop worrying about and live, if I lose more fine, if not fine. I didn't want to get to that point until I got to the 150's, which is almost 40 lbs away. I don't want to gain anything back, but I feel like if I don't lose more it still makes me a failure.

May 17, 2013

9

Reality is.......

It was hard to face reality a year and a half ago, they I was just shy of 250 lbs and had to do something to stop it before I hit 300. The first year I must say was the honeymoon period with my band. I felt like I hardly had to work at losing weight, it just fell off. It was wonderful and exciting. Then bang- my one year aniversary hit and my weight loss came to a streeching halt- the band's fault- nope mine. The first year, was easy because my weight was high and I was eating far less that what it takes to keep that weight. I couldn't eat as much as normal- so I lost weight. As the weight came off, I hit the titration point- I had finally lost down to the amount that my eating was matched. Now, I have to face reality, I can keep going with what I am doing and stay in the same zone. I can, make changes- eat even less and or add exercise. The thing is, at this point, it's not going to be so easy. Now I must really work at it. I, also, must deal with weakness in myself, that I never really got rid of. Stress makes me want to eat. Last night as I lay watching TV with the hubs (Ziva's last episode on NCIS) I started thing, boy I want a snack. The thing was I wasn't hungry. I didn't need to eat anything. However, I gave into the weakness and went and got a bowl of ice cream. It slapped me in the head as I sat the empty bowl down in the sink, that I had just done something I would have done pre-band. That was not good- I have to nip that in the bud now. Will it be easy, no, but I must do it to maintain and to further succeed on my journey. I know what I must do, I know what I need to do, yet I have not done it for months. Now, it's time to pull on the big girl panties and make some difficult choices and changes. It's time to face the music, because the reality it, if I go back to old way I will gain back all I have lost. The reality is I must, for my health, for my future, for my peace of mind- I must make these changes. Is it my band failing me, no, it is myself and my human weakness trying the make me fail. But, here is the thing- I have the power to stop it, to change it, to change it now before it goes to far. Yeah, I may have lost even more if I would have gone with the sleeve or bypass, but I likely would have run into the same stumbling block at some point. I hope I can do this!

October 2, 2013

4

Looking Foward

I went home, to my home church, for Homecoming yesterday. The pastor spoke on being sucessful. He said in order to be a success at anything we have to admit our issues, deal with them and let them go- you can't look back and forward at the same time. Sometimes, I admit I hold on to the past to much. At 186 I still see myself at 240. It's hard to admit that I look pretty good now, because if I do I might slip up and go backward. My weight loss has stopped since summer, I have stayed in the 186-189 range. With stress, the NUT says that is good. I haven't gained- true, but I haven't lost either. I realize the definition of insanity, is continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result. I do make better choices when it comes to my diet, but not the best choices. With the band I physically can not eat the amount I use to, but I don't always chose the healtiest option. I must get better at this. I know that exercise can make a huge difference, but I have yet to really settle into a work out routine. The occasional workout is BS. I walk a couple times a week and I work in the yard at least one day a week. Yes, I stay busy, most of the time. But, I know after I finish the dishes at night- I need to do something physical instead of getting my shower and crashing in front of the boob tube. Right now, I am not having issues with eating to much at the time, but to much over all. While I am not diabetic, my body is having trouble keeping my sugar levels regulated. I pretty much have to eat every 2 hours or risk getting shakey and passing out. It doesn't seem to have a bearing on what I eat. Last week, I got really bad off. I started talking out of my head- my sugar was in the 30's. A friend of mine just moved back here and she is a ER doc- she finally just got a Twix bar and made me eat it. It still took about 30 min for me to come totally out of it. I have got to see an endocranologist for test, but can't get an appointment until Dec. So until then I must eat something every 2 hours. So I have my phone set to go off- Even during the night I have hard candy by my bed to eat one when I go potty- this ensures when I do get up I can function. This totally sucks and I know it has nothing to do with my band, but still make things difficult. Work has been rough for a few months now and it isn't getting better, so with everything going on it really gets me down in the dumps. My husband is great encouragement, but he is busy to with his two jobs. I know I must now get back to basics and teach my self yet a new routine, so my body gets what it needs, not to much, but enough and timed so I can keep everything in balance. I must look forward- I can't ask myself why, how, or whine about the circumstances I find myself in- I must look forward, develop a new plan of action and empliment. Any of you have issue like this that can offer advice?

September 30, 2013

3

Can you hear it...........

Can you hear your band? My band I think is bipolar. One day he yells at me, the next quite as a mouse, then the next firm but forgiving. Ok- what does this mean. One day I get stuck no matter how well I chew, the next day I can eat anything I want with no issue whatsoever, then the next after two meatball George's stop, now that is enough. What is up with that, why can't he be consistant??? For many of you, as it is for me over eating was the biggest cause of my weight- rather than just what I ate. I mean I love veggies, but even to much of a good thing can be bad. My portions is what I must watch and control. I know everyone says because you can eat more doesn't mean you should- this is exactly right, but when it taste so heavenly you want just one more bite. Some day George D. Band allows one more bite, some days he slaps me up side the head and says nope, I am going to make you pay for that. Then on occassion is clamly say, slow it down girlfriend it's time to stop. I enjoy the calm days, we get along really well those days. For instance today- breakfast: Light & Fit Greek Yogurt 2X protien with two tablespoons of granola on top- snack 5 snowpeas with ranch dip (greek yogurt dip)- lunch 2 meat balls a little larger than a quarter. Each meal George said stop and I did. Days like today, he makes it easy, but there are others where I wonder what sector of hell he came from. At 13 months out I have only lost 60 lbs . There are so many out there doing so much better than me, and I lament. I have 45 lbs more I want to lose. I know, I eat what I want, I don't feel I sacrifice, should I sacrifice. What more do I need to do? Gotta do something?

July 19, 2013

7

Son of a Biscuit

It's been a son of a biscuit few weeks. At work we have converted to a new software system and I am trying to learn it all the while, trying to make sure we are ready to start school in a month with 2500 kids and two campuses. This ain't easy!! I go home from work with a head ache and high BP each day. The only thing I want is a nap. For about two months now I have weighed between 187-189, daily weigh in. My NUT told me not to worry about it right now, that stress is keeping me from losing and right now my goal should be to maintain during this stressful time and then once things calm down I can start working toward losing again. My hubs tells me to go home and work out each day. He has been hitting the elliptical and weights hard the last few weeks and has dropped 2 lbs - proud of my boy! I know I to need to get back to exercise, without it further weight loss will not happen. I have never been a lover of working out, I rather work at something- yard work, cleaning ect. When I lived on the farm there was always work to be done- garden to pick, yard to mow and clean, feilds to work, cows to deal with, ect. Now as I live in the city my little .27 of an acre isn't keeping me as busy as the 100 acre farm I was raised on. I know must find some way to enjoy and maintain an exercise regiment. We have an elliptical and a total gym in our home and a greenway behind our house. I have no excuse, yet I always seem to find one. This week I am trying to go back to the basics. No eating out, eating clean and healthy. Also, I want to hit the elliptical at least 3 times this week. While I am proud of myself that during this 13 month journey I have managed not to gain, that isn't good enough. I still have about 45 lbs that I want gone. I will get there, just don't know when.

July 15, 2013

5

Negative People

I am just 6 weeks post of and have lost 23 lbs. While that is great and I happy to have lost it and that my clothes fit better, I am having a fat day. While I know I am still fat (221), I want the feeling of feeling better about myself to come back. The change.... negative people. I work with several banders, one succesful at 60lbs lost, and 2 unsuccesful. The unsuccessful ones think I am crazy for doing it because it doesn't work. The one that has lost 60lbs and kept it off seems to have an attitude now. She keeps telling me that I won't be able to lose the 100lbs I want to. She said I will only lose about 40% of my excess weight. My doctor keeps telling me that I will lose as much as I work at losing-- meaning if I excercise and eat right I can lose the 100lbs I want to. The negitve co-worker picks apart everything I eat telling me what is bad about it. Then they go get milkshakes and offer me one - hell no I don't want a milkshake. Today when I didn't bring lunch because literally the dog ate (stole it from the counter when I turned my back) I said I was going to run out and pick up lunch. Then I get- you know that really isn't good for you, you aren't going to lose weight like that. Just because I run pick something up doesn't mean I am going to make a bad choice as to what to get. I know I need to just let it go and ignore her, but when you see a person daily who is being negative it wears on you. I can't keep from seeing her, she is two offices down and literally I am going to see and bump into her. I realize this is just a mental game, maybe she doesn't want me to be more successful than her. However, her being this way is giving me motivation to show her.... can't wait to get home and hit the elliptical. It is odd how my attitude has changed. Pre-band I would go to food due to hurt feelings, now I go work out and literally work out the frustration and then I feel so much better afterward. I am going to do this, but the negative people are singing a chorus in my head that I will fail. How do you deal with negative people?

August 6, 2012

7

Up, Down, All Around

My weight has pretty much been at a stale mate since around June. I have stayed in the zone between 186-189. I weigh daily, each AM in the good ole B-day suite. Last week, while awaiting my monthly visitor I jumped to 190, then the next day 187- go fig- horomones, gotta love 'em. Basically, I keep getting told that I should pat myself on the back for not gaining. True I haven't gained during a very stressful time in my life. However, on June 22, 2012 I had lapband surgery to lose weight. At that time I want to get to 175, so currently I am around 11 lbs shy of the original goal. As my weight fell off the first few months, with what seemed to be little effort, I changed my goal to 140. At this point I fear I will never make it to my ultimate goal. At this point and time I can also say, shamefully, that I do little to make my goal attainable. I don't exercise daily like I know I should- I wouldn't say I am lazy. I move, a lot, I just don't have a regimented exercise routine, that I know would help me pull toward my goal. I, also, eat pretty much what I want. I eat pizza, cake, cookies, pie, ice cream, meals- I just don't eat as much as I did pre-surgery- I don't think it is possible. I do attempt to make things healthier- like cutting salt, eating lean meats, eatting less process foods and carb- but I don't make a huge effort to eat like a rabbit as my hubby calls it. I have come a long ways- 60 lbs down from my highest- but yeah I want more, but I am finding motivation to move forward hard to come by. I have been in a 14 all summer, but now they are a little loose and I can wear some 12's. That is great, don't know how that is happening, but my body much be reshaping. I know that while I am not being hard core, I am doing something to at least maintain where I am. This morning I promised myself to make a concious effort to do better in the coming week so hopefully in the next month I can drop to 185. I am not 100% sure how I am going to do it, basically I am going to take it day by day- meal by meal- make better choices as time moves forward. I want to be realistic and do things that I can continue, knowing that if I go to rabbit food for weeks, I may loose weight, but I won't be able to maintain that. So I recommit, today I will begin with each bite to make better choices and to start listening a little closer to my bodies singles of satisfaction. This is a battle I know I will fight every day for the remainder of my life, but in order to have a life, I must fight it each day. I don't come on here much any more due to being busy, but I miss my friends- I miss my encouragers. I miss my one person who will kick my butt if needed. So firends- fire away- give it to me- help me get moving again. Everyone needs support once in a while.

September 23, 2013

2

Inspirations

When ever and what ever journey you take your are often inspired to take it by someone or something. I was inspired to have WLS due to several friends having it and having great results. Once banded I have been inspired by people right here on this site- Carolina Girl has done amazing, Missy Wowzer what a awesome job, AJ beautiful!! There are many others, but these are those that I look to and always want to read what they have to say, because I relate to them and are inspired by them and their words. Yeah some times my toes get steped on, but that means they are getting to me and will help me. In the 1 year time period I have had my band I went from 244 to 187. Yeah, people have lost twice that much in the same time period, but I didn't. I am a little jealous, would love to have done better, but I am me and am where I am and I am working on it. My journey brings to mind a song that the little kids at my church use to sing and it inspires me: "I am a promise, I am a possibility, I am a great big bundle of potentiality" - That line make me smile, because I know I have the possiblity and the potential to do whatever I set my mind to. It inspires me to work hard to get the things I want, like getting to goal. We all have to get our inspiration to work hard and continue the journey on the rough days from somewhere and something- there are people all around me that give me this. My hubs, the three amazing ladies above who inspire me with their post even if they don't know it, my mom who is always telling me how proud she is, my friends who are proud, and my body that feels better and doesn't get winded when I run up my stair case in my house. While I was lucky I never reached the point of having diffulity walking, I was getting there. My knees were begining to have pain. My ankles, both of which have been broken multiple times were crying out for me to lose weight. I am glad I finally was inspired to do this last year and I am thankful for all the place and people that inspire me to contiue this journey each and every day. Look around you today find your inspirations and smile- hold on to them so on a dark day you can whip 'em out and keep movin'.

June 28, 2013

3

Coping Skills

Even though I work in computers now with the school system, my college degree was actually Counseling with a concentration in Substance Abuse. While working at a drug treatment center I worked with patients on developing coping skills to help them deal with cravings to use. We would tell them, they must avoid people, places and things that are triggers; some to the point of having to live some where other than where they came from. During that time I was in denial that I myself was an addict, but my drug of choice was food. Unfortunatly, I can't avoid food. I must eat, but as I continue on the self reflective journey I have been on of late, I realize that I have food triggers. Cookies- I love them, they are buttery and chewy and oh so good. If I make cookies and eat one, I can't stop- I must eat more. Ice Cream is another problem, I love ice cream, any shape or form- cones, cups, shakes- yum. So I know, no ice cream should be kept in the house because I won't stop until it is all gone. Now you may say, where is you will power, where is your want power? I do want to lose weight, but there are times where it is like an out of body experience, I realize what I am doing is wrong and I will regret it, but I can't stop- this is classic addict behavior. If you are able to use your want power to prevent you from ever slipping up- awesome for you- but addicts many times can not rely strictly on that. I am actully going back and reading some of my old college textbooks to help myself with this addiction. While I have lost a little more than half of what I want to lose, in order for me to lose more and here is the key- keep it off- I must figure out my triggers and develop coping skills for dealing with these. Is this journey easy- heck no! Will it be worth it- heck yes. But, I feel I will be much more successful long term now that I am looking at this for what it is! Just like drug, tobacco, alcohol addiction is a life long battle- so is food addiction. For those of you who what I am saying rings true, take a look at yourself- what are your triggers- what can you do to cope with them. So with that- Hello, my name is Kim and I am a foodaholic.

May 23, 2013

4

$1000 Milk Shake- NO WAY

The one thing I can say that is different about my food thinking is- I am a great deal more concious of what I eat and drink. Before I take something in, I often times will ask is it worth the calorie cost. The answer on many things is NOPE. This morning I was craving an Iced Mocha Latte from McDonalds- well the calorie cost isn't that high for the one I order (around 250), but to me it still was not worth it. There was a day a day when if it tasted good I ate it, heck sometimes if it didn't taste good I'd eat it anyway. How sad is that? Now if I eat one bite and it's not appealing I am done- why waste the calories on something that isn't good. I would eat at meals like I'd never eat again, with the thought that the next meal I'd take it easy on- did I- no. Sometimes even now I find those old thoughts creaping up in my brain and I have to shake it off. Now I am in a quest to find food that taste amazing and cost less in the calorie department. This isn't always easy to do. Last night I fixed homemade Chicken Alfredo with brocollini. For the pasta- spagetti squah, which is amazing, if you like paste I challenge you to try this- it is so easy to cook in the microwave. I made my own alfredo sauce that had no butter and was made with 2% milk rather than heavy cream. The chicken was boneless skinless chicken breast cut into bite size peices. Tossed a little brocolini florets in for color and add texture. It was awesome- so didn't feel like I was giving up anything. Just savored each bite. I believe that if we were as concious with our calorie cost as we are with money cost there would be a lot less fat folk- I know I would be. So I try each day to look at my calorie count that way- is it worth the cost or not. Is it worth that extra pound I will see on the scale. You know what, there are times when it is worth it- but most of the time it isn't. If we live in this mind set it makes letting go of those calorie bombs not so difficult. For me sometimes, it makes thing taste less awesome, if I know it is loaded. So, a challenge to us all- equate calories to dollars- is a milkshake worth $1000- NOPE

July 23, 2013

3

Bad Advice Buddy

When I first started thinking about being banded I talked to a co-worker who had lost 60 + lbs and gotten to a size 10 after being banded. She was really encouraging and told me if I did it she would be there to help me along. Well after being banded she turned on me- she was always telling me I was doing it wrong and not being helpful at all. I stopped discussing the band with her to prevent any bad feelings after all I have to work with this woman. Since my surgery it's like it pushed her to get back on the wagon and she has lost an additional 20 lbs and is rubbing it in my face. Rude a little? Now she has begun telling me things like- you can eat reg food after getting a fill, it won't hurt you- your doctor is to restrictive you don't need to drink all that water it's not good for you you are getting fills to often I do not ask for advice, but I get it anyway. Frankly I just ignore her advice because we didn't have the same surgeon and I trust and like my surgeon and prefer to listen to him not her. Her bad advice is just bugging me. Yes, she has had great success and done very well, looks great. I don't know if she is following the same things she is telling me or if she is trying to sabatoge me. I refuse to listen to her, but now she is giving advice to someone else who is considering the band, which upsets me because this person doesn't know anything about it. I want to step up and say something, but that person hasn't come to me to ask for advice so I feel like it would be butting in and could possibly cause some tention in the work place. My weight loss has been painfully slow, but it will keep coming down. I am happy that I was banded and have finally excepted that my body will drop the weight on it's on time table. I gained a little over Christmas, but feel confident that I will take it off. It's just hard to come to work and have someone rub their loss in your face and tell you that you are doing it wrong when I am doing what my doctor say do. What's a girl to do?

January 2, 2013

6

Learned something new....

I went in for a fill today, my weight had gone up by 5 lbs since last week so I wasn't thrilled about going in. I went in they weighed me- up 1 lbs since last month!!!!!! I was pissed. She checked my band and gave me another cc - I always get fills with floro. I told her about my weight jump from last week and explained it was my TOM time even though I don't actually bleed. She said that the weight fluctuation was not abnormal, that everyone will have fluctuations from week to week. She also ask how many calories my fitbit said I was burning a day- I told her between 2000-2200 depending on if I work out or not. She ask about my eating habits - I told her I was only eating 3 times a day and sometimes having an afternoon snack. She ask about my calorie intake- I told her I was getting between 1200-1300 a day. Surprise- she said I'm not getting enough calories. Now this is what my doc said, I trust my doctor, she is a Duke Doc, I have full confidence in her- do please do not bash her or me; if you doc said something else fine ok, I am just putting out there what mine said. She said that since I am now over 6 months post that eating 1200 calories a day isn't enough. She said that having a 3-500 calorie a day deficit was good, but not more because the body would not let go of the fat- sorta like starvation mode. She said if I upped my workout routine to up calories. To try and keep my deficit around 3-500 for optimum weight loss. So I am going to try and see what happens. Maybe it has to do with where I am in weight- I don't know, but she is my doctor, she is trained, so I will listen to her. If you don't agree fine, but again don't bash!!

February 7, 2013

8

Trying to Make Lemonade

Life has been tossing me a lot of lemons lately- I am drowning in Lemonade. Work has been horrid, working way to many hours. I am tired and gumpy. When life is like this making good choices isn't easy. However, I am not gaining weight, which is, I suppose, a triumph. I still try to make good choices when it comes to food, they are just a little spare of the moment instead of planned. This week I had my check up with my primary care for my anxiety med refill. While there I got my flu shot and a pneumonia shot. Since I have asthma they recommend I go ahead and get that. Bad idea. This morning my arm is swollen and very painful to move or touch, I have a mild temp, head ache, naseau and upset tummy. My band isn't happy about all this either- it's TIGHT- the yogurt is not going down easy, so I think the protein shake is going to have to come out. Doc just says take Advis and Tylenol rotating and rest. Well, I am at work- no rest for the weary. Working out isn't happening these days. My works out are cleaning, cooking, yard work and dog duty. IF I get those done I consider the day a success. Yesterday, I spent 2 hours in the yard- cut grass, rake grass, trim flowers, sweep deck. Then I went in and cooked dinner. I do really try to make sure our dinners are healthy- non process, homemade and organic. Having a garden has helped with this. While the weight loss has stopped, my body continues to change. Just bought a pair of nice dress jeans in a 14 about a month ago. Slipped them on yesterday and they are loose. So hey, I must not be doing to bad. I have stopped worrying about the scale, the weight will drop when it drops. I am moving more, sleeping better and doing more than before so that is a success in it's self. I still very much want to lose 40 more pounds and be in the 140's; maybe I'll get there maybe I won't. At this point, I know I am eating better, moving more and all my labs are perfect- so I can't ask for more than that. This journey, if nothing else has taught me to be more aware. More aware of being lazy and what I choose to put in my body. I use to not bat a eye at eating a Big Mac and a large fry. You will never catch me eating that again. It just plain out isn't worth it. Now, last week on my 4th wedding anniversary the hubs and I went to cheesecake factory and my once a year slice of heavenly cheese cake was worth it- of course followed by a long walk. I always try to move more and add more steps and movement to my day. This could be standing while working on something or while on the phone. Walking to offices rather than calling, Walking to classrooms instead of calling. To me it's all about making the little choices throughout my day that equal a healthier me. I might hit my goal one day, but right now I am good with the choices I make. I am able to look myself in the face and say ok you aren't making the dumb choices you did before. I no longer hide eating- food doesn't control me, I control it. I like these steady changes and if they scale never moves anymore, I will be thankful for the 60 lbs gone right now and the changes I have made that have made me healthier. The band is totally worth the trouble and little issues.

September 13, 2013

1

Heart Broken

Some of you know that I have had 3 miscarriages. My hub and I have no problem getting pregnant, but I just can't get past the 1st trimester. Well in the last week I have had 2 friends give birth and 2 annouce they are pregnant. My BFF for 20 years called me yesterday to tell me her news, she is pregnant with baby number 2. She is already through her 1st trimester and just found out she is preg. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for her and her husband. They have one daughter and have been trying for 3 years for another child with no luck. They had given up hope, but low and behold she is preg and 3 months in. Her due date is my granfather's birthday. While I am happy for her, my heart does break for my babies, my 3 that I can't hold. My doctor told me I could try again this summer and we plan to, but I am just so scared. All the test they have done have come back with nothing wrong, so they have no idea why I keep miscarring. My OB/GYN says that as soon as I think I am preg, like one day late, to come in and he will do an ultrasound and if I am he will start progestrone to hopefully keep the baby. I don't know what will happen, but I am scared. I am scared of gaining to much weight, I am scared of losing the baby, I am scared I will never have a baby. The name of today's game just seems to be scared!

February 11, 2013

8

Why can't we all just get along?

In society today people have become, well crazy. We ALL have crazy moment when we just seem to forget and make snap comments or judgement without thinking things through. What took place in CT is truly a tragedy that I don't think I will ever be able to comprehend. I had the same feelings when reading about and see reports about Columbine, Okalahoma City, 9-11, Virginia Tech - why do people hurt innocents. These are all horrible horrible things, but what about the small things. On a daily basis we (me and you) have the ability to hurt or help someone. In my job I can get easily frustrated with parents, kids, staff, and have to remind myself to be real. I should not take my frustration with one person out on someone else- they don't deserve it. This is also the situation with this site. This site was created with the hope of giving support to other who have been banded. There are some on this site who have done an amazing job with their band and really have it down, then there are some who are struggling or haven't done as well, but the one thing we have in common is the band. When I respond, write blogs, ect I try to only present what has happened to me on my journey. Each person on this site have influences that other do not- different doctor, emotional states, family situations, illnessess, ect there for the journey will not be the same for everyone. I tend to only get frustrated with those that try to tell people to go against doctors orders. If you choose a doctor and trust him/her then you should LISTEN to their medical advice!!!! If you doctor says you need vitamins, maybe there is something in your labs or history to cause the doctor to say that so take them no matter what anyone else says. If you doctor says eat xyz then do it. If you feel like you are getting unsound advice from the doctor seek out a second opinion from ANOTHER DOCTOR!!!! A bariactric specialist is the only one you should take MEDICAL advice from!! On this site we need to be here to tell our story, how we are doing, how we are making it on journey and what we have experienced. No, we do not need to sugar coat and validate bad behavior (eating food 2 days post op- I doubt this is allowed by any Doctor). What we should be doing is being a helpful encourager to stick to the program. We all are told to eat healthier (stop eating junk food every day and greasy fried foods), to move more (I didn't say be a gym rat, just move more), and to eat smaller portions ( I think most doctors recommend a cup). If you do not like a response some one has to a comment you posted either ignore it or RESPECTFULY state why you do not agree. The key is being respectful of each other, we can agree to disagree. I may not like what a person has to say, but that doesn't give me the right to bash them. If I expect respect, then I must give it. What a better world we would live in if people could just respect!!

December 19, 2012

5

Notice Me, Please!

I am 3 months post op and have lost 35 lbs, which I feel is good. All my clothes feel looser and I have had to stop wearing some. I am actually wearing an old pair of 16's. When I look in the mirror I see a difference in my face. I know I am smaller, but........ No one seems to notice the missing 35 lbs. I am one of these nutty folks who likes some pats on the back to motivate me to continue. I work for the school system, so when staff returned I was down 20 lbs, no one said anything, then I after 35 no one still says hey you are losing weight. There are only 2 co-workers who ever tell me they can see a difference, but they both know about the surgery so they are looking for it. My husband and my mom both say they see it, but they are biased. I know I should just be happy knowing I have lost the weight, but geez what is it going to take me loosing 100 for people to notice. I want to look good, to be pretty. To me I am still the hungry hippo I've always been. I have been obese since I was 6, so I don't know what it's like to be the cute, pretty girl. I just want some props, someone to notice the hard work. I still have a long way to go to reach goal, and I hope by then I can stop viewing myself as the big girl. I don't want tons of praise, but just a pat on the back or hey girl you are looking good. I guess I look for other peoples view of me to much, but that is just the way I am. Does anyone else feel like this?

October 2, 2012

11

Shut up and Listen!!

I know that is a bold statement, but not doing this is what got me to 250 and not doing this will make me gain weight back. Yesterday was Father's Day and I went up to see my dad. I ordered a nice cake with a pic of him and his tractor on it and we got him a new Tab computer for a gift. He was so happy. I am a Daddy's Girl, so I love bringing a smile to his face. My brother's came, my mom had gotten chips and icecream to go with the cake. So we snacked. I got a small piece of cake with one scoop of ice cream. I ate about 3 bits of cake and got the hicups. At first I wanted to ignore them, but then I realized, wait that is my single to stop. My body is saying ok, we tasted this, now we are done- put the darn cake down. This is when I can either continue eating or put it down. I ate another couple of bites and tossed the remainder. I learned something in this. My body knows what it is suppose to do, but I over rule it sometimes and this is what lead to my original weight gain. If I just shut up and listen to my band/tummy it will tell me what I need to know. If I ignore it, not only will I gain weight, or not lose, I will increase my chance for complication with my band. Soooo- if you are choosing to ignore your body, to ignore your band, to ignore your doctor, who do you have to blame for lack of weight loss or weight gain- YOURSELF. I know that may sound harsh, but it's true. I haven't lost as much as I wish I had, and you know whose fault it is - it's not Dr. Yoo's or my band's- it's Kim's!!! I have to own it. Food is awesome, it taste wonderful. One of the great things about the band is- no I can't eat as much, but if I eat the way I am suppose to, slow and chew slow I can enjoy, savor, taste, really get the joy out of what I am eating. Think about it when you scarf something down, do you really taste all the flavors, do you taste the layers, the goodness, all the hard work put into making the dish - nope. Enjoy food- slow down and take the time to savor. When you body says ok enough listen. Then when you body says ok, I need nutrition- eat.

June 17, 2013

3

Easy Breezy....

WLS is not Cover Girl. Easy Breezy is not a definition that can be used when talking about WLS. In reading the comments posted on Fox News regaurding Gov. Christie's lapband surgery, I was disturbed to see that people still see WLS as the easy way out. What I would like to know is what part of major surgery is easy? While lapband surgery is not a horrible ordeal to face, it isn't all sugar plums and roses. I was sick after surgery, felt like crap. Then I had trouble taking in enough. Then I was starving hungry. Then when I started eating again I was terrified. As the first 50 lbs melted away I was thrilled with my decision to have lapband, once I got past the 199 mark, the next 10 lbs took 4 months! I am still very glad I choose this change and committed to it. Just because you have WLS doesn't mean your cravings, desires, wants disappear. We have to learn to manage these things. WLS success requires a huge committment to change your lifestyle. This pathway to health is worth it, but it is far from easy. May 22nd I will be 11 months post op and I have gone from 244 to 188. I have gone from wearing a tight 18W to a very comfy 14. I know longer wear the 1-2X shirts, I know easily wear a large. These things are awesome and make then changes I committed to well worth the struggle. Every day brings with it a new set of challenges, opticles, highs and lows, but it is worth it to finally feel "normal". I no longer walk into places and feel like people are looking at me due to my weight. I am no longer paranoid over it (well almost there). I love walking into stores and being able to find cute clothes. I walked past the Women's sizes the other day in Belk and saw a cute top- guess what all they had were to big for me . My husband hugs me and comments frequently how small I feel and how proud he is of me. So no matter how people view the surgery, no matter if it is hard or easy, I don't give a rats bootie- this is my life and I choose health. I choose to change. I am on this journey. I still have 45 lbs left to loose. I won't make it to goal in a year. But by golly I will make it. One day, I will see the blessed 140's. I am not sure how much more changing and rearranging I will have to do to my life style, but I am committed and I will do what I must to finally acheive my dreams!

May 8, 2013

5

My New Little Girl

This is my new doggie, Molly. She is a Shephard Corgi mix. She joins our 11 year old Greyhound, 11 year old Bengal Cat, and a 4 year old Bengal Cat. All are rescues! Now our fur family is complete- 2 of each.

November 5, 2012

3

Truth Be Told.....

We (me) lie to ourselves a lot. I stayed in deniel over my weight for way to long. Thinking, oh, I'm not really that big. I just avoided pictures and mirrors. If I do see it's not there, right? Due to my weight though I over compensated in a lot of areas. I was that annoying sibling who did everything my parents wanted. I made good grades, I worked, I was honest with my parents and I never got in trouble - honestly. This drove my brothers crazy. But, a lot of the reason for this was I wasn't popular. I didn't want to go to parties and stay out late because I had no self confidense. As an adult I am pretty much a stickler for the rules at work and every where else. My weight has been out of control so I wanted to control everything else in my life. Once I admitted, yes I am over weight, and yes I disgust myself with the rolls, I decided to do something about it. I was scared to begin with of not being successful. After all I got fat because I loved the taste of food- real food - not junk. I talked to my doctor and told him my fears, he ask if I really wanted to lose weight- I said yes. If anything were possible what would be the best way for you to loose- I thought well food not having calories would be nice- but realistically it was for me to eat less of what I was already eating. I already ate lots of veggies, healthy grains, fruit, and lean meats - I had already made that change years ago. I can't even tell you the last time I ate little debbie- never really liked them. He told me that he could help with that - the band would help me eat less. Now, truth be told, 4.5 months post op, 43 lbs gone, this has not been as hard as I expected. Do I have hard days, heck yeah, but looking over the entire 4 months, once I got past the first 2, it's been pretty great. I don't miss soda, I don't miss the large quantity of food. I do not miss the size 22's. I don't miss anypart of my old life- nothing. Rather than filling like a stuffed cow after a meal I feel good, comfortable. It doesn't take much for it to kick in now that I have had enough since I got restriction. Once that hits I honestly believe if I ate another bite I would be sick- I haven't pushed that, but I feel that way. I hit that point at a cup of food. Left overs abound at my house now and I realize just how much I was eating. We all say WLS is hard, it's not easy, it's not the easy way out and it's not. However, this is alot easier than continuing to live the way I was - fat and miserable! It's a lot easier to put down that fork now than it was before. It's a lot easier to say nope don't want that now that it was 5 months ago. 5 months ago I would go for any food at any time- now unless I'm hungry I don't want it. My daily craving is water - seriously- I drink 80-100 oz now, I am thirsty. Anyway- this is just my rant- how do you feel about your journey- has it been easy or has it been hell?

November 8, 2012

5

All About The Fit......

My mother in law and sister in law came be spend Thanksgiving with my husband and I. My mother-in-law had called last week and said she wanted to take me shopping to get some clothes that fit. Considering she has never done anything for me in the 5 years I have been with her son, I was shocked. On Friday us girls decided to hit the mall about 5pm. Being a big girl I have always gotten clothes from Walmart, Belk, place like that where I could hit a sale and get them cheap. Like it really matters what you put on a hippo- it's still a hippo- that is how I felt. Well my SIL said I need to go to Talbots. I had never been there. When we walked in they were busy and the sales girl was so helpful. My MIL told her I had lost 50 lbs and needed some clothes and that price wasn't an option- WOW. She told me to find something nice. The sales girl said she herself had lost 100 lbs in the last few years and she knew what I was going through- she looks like a stick now, amazing transformation. She was helpful picking out clothes that I would have never before tried. By the time I finished I had one pair of pants and 3 tops. The pants were Women's Petite 14- WOW, I never remember wearing a 14. The clothes fit me perfect, like they were made for my body. What a difference the right cut and fit can make. I looked at myself in the mirror and was able to smile and was happy with how I looked- wow. Feeling like you look good does give you confidence and a spunk in your step. The next day I wore one of my new outfits and my hubs was like wow you look hot. I was so excited. With that and the new earrings my MIL purchased for me at Swarski crystals I felt like I was Julia Roberts in the Pretty Women except for the hooker thing. I will be visting that Talbots again for sure!!! Anyone who lives near Raleigh, NC - I totally recommend going to Talbots at Southpoint Mall- awesome staff!

November 26, 2012

3

Rant and Rave

Ok, the last week has been kinda stressful and I know it's only going to get worse. My job is changing greatly over the next few months and I am having learn a lot of new things and work extra to keep up with my job while I learn a new system. So maybe I am just stressed, but I need to rant for a min...... WLS is Easy WTH. I saw someone this weekend who hadn't seen me for a while and told me I looked great. Of course the next thing out of her mouth was how did you lose so much weight? I said that I was really watching what I ate, eating healthier and moving more, and that I had lapband surgery. Her comment was, oh well you are lucky then you can't gain weight. I wanted to expload at that moment. The thing is with lapband or ANY WLS you can gain weight. Gaining weight is EASY, not losing it. I can gain by eating more than I expend- calorie layden thing (milkshakes, chips, ice cream, cake, ect). I can gain just like anyone else. It really bothers me that people still have this misconception that WLS makes it so much easier. Does it help, YES, does it make it easy HELL NO. BMI vs Size Ok so here is another thing that is buggin me. My entire life doctors have complained about my weight. I have been over weight since I was 5. Over 200 since middle school (now 190's). Now that I am losing and I have studied info, I congnitivly know that the scale isn't totally accurate when it comes to my health. I have lost 50+ lbs, while my weight is in the 190's I am far smaller than I thought I would be in the 190's. Why, because of my muscle to fat ratio. It is often said that muscle weighs more than fat, not exactly true. A pound of muscle takes up far less room than a pound of fat. A stick of butter and a ball bearing may weigh the same, but that ball bearing is much smaller. So my muscle mass has increased, and my shape has decreased, but the scale isn't moving these days. Yet when I go to the doctors they look at the scale and calculate my BMI and tisk tisk tisk. WTH- Doc please look at the whole pic instead of one fasit. I am a work in progress not a completed project. Fear factor I will be the first to say that I am scared, paranoid, terrified of gaining weight back. I have tried way to long to lose, now that it has begun I do not want to revert. So yes I am almost obsessive over it. Is this good, not really, but it's me. I look at what I eat, I weigh daily, I move more. Being a scientific person I like to see cause and effect. How does what I put in effect measurment and weight. I chart every thing so I can take it to my doctor. Judgements Ok, so maybe I am paranoid that people judge me when they aren't, but I think that comes from my years of low self esteem. I often see people state, Oh you are doing what your suppose to so don't worry about the scale, don't weigh it just drives you crazy, don't worry the weight will come off. Yes, I know all the data- about the scale doesn't show the whole picture, that we should keep on doing what we are suppose to when the scales stops and in time weight will come off. But, gee am I the only human on here that while I know this, it still doesn't make me happy that the scale isn't going down. Ok, so maybe I am judging others here, but here it goes.... some people post and make statements on here that make them appear that they are perfect. They are losing, they are doing what the doctor says, they aren't weighing daily- happy, happy, joy, joy. It's like they never get frustrated or impatient ever. I honestly wonder sometimes are they really like that, or are they just putting on a front on this sight. Because while this journey hasn't been the tooth and nail climb that diets have been in the past, it has not been all hunky dory and perfect. So my thought for them is be human, I have flaws I get stressed, and I know you do to, no matter if you want to admit it or not. I think newbies need to know and see the entire picture. Yes, you do what your doc and NUT say. Will this be easy - no. Will you hit plateaus- yes. Will you get frustrated at times- hell yes. Will what works for me work for you- maybe/maybe not. Okay so enough of my ranting. If I offended anyone sorry, chalk it up to me having a bee in my bonnett to day and had one straw to many put on my pile. Thanks for letting me rant!!

March 20, 2013

7

What?why?how?

On Tuesday this week I went to my nutritionist and I had lost a total of 35 lbs since the 1st time I saw her. She went over my food journal and calorie counts. Gave me some pointers, but all in all said I was doing wonderful and she couldn't have hoped for a better turn out. Needless to say I was pleased and happy. So today is Thursday of the same week and I had a fill. So I wasn't worried when I was weight. WTH, I am up 3 lbs since Tuesday. WHAT??? My calorie counts have been well below my BMR- right about 1200. It's not my time of the month. So how in the heck I am up 3lbs in two days. I know I shouldn't be freaked out because out bodies fluctuate day to day, but geez!! I had finally hit 209 - single digit 200's- only 9 more lbs till my 1st major goal. But now I am up. I feel defeated. Mind you I didn't and won't do what I use to do, which is go out and binge. I don't have a desire to do that anymore, I want to do the opposite, not eat anything, but that isn't healthy either. My hubs says shake it off I will be back down by the weekend, but I don't feel confindent. I track each morsel that enters my mouth and I work out. I am far more active now than I have been in years and I sleep better, so what in the world. I know it's only 3 lbs I need to chill out. But I needed to vent. I am back in my office now and I have no one to talk to about how I am feeling. I am on liquids for the remainder of the day so maybe that will help. Any suggestions for my bander friends out there?

October 4, 2012

6

A New Attitude.....

Work has been crazy lately, life has been crazy. I am busier than ever, but I am doing pretty well. There are times when I get down and out, but for the most part I feel stronger than I was 5 years ago. This past weekend I went out of town, up to Ohio to visit my MIL. I realized on this trip, going through airports, going to new places, walking down crowed streets, taking city buses, that I am not nearly as self concious as I once was. What a great feeling to walk down the street or into places and hold my head up. Going into resturants and ordering, I don't feel self concious about my order. I just don't worry nearly as much about what people think of my outside. I lived life from 6 years old until 32 now always worried about how people view my outside. When getting back to work this week, another big thing happend. In years past I would never stand up for myself- I was meek and quiet especially in confrontation. I HATE confrontation. Due to my job I often have confrontations with parents who want me to bend rules or plan out break them for their child. I hated it when I got in confrontations with co-workers. Well, my secretary screwed up majorly while I was out of town. I decided that I was not going to be the one to call the families and apologize for the problems. I took the forms back to her, told her what was wrong and to contact the families. She went off, she yelled, was very rude. In times past I would have hung my head and walked away. This time I looked her in the eye and told her she needed to calm down, that yelling at me because she screwed up was not acceptable and I would not take that. She cried left work, came back the next day and acted as if nothing happend. I stood up for me!!! What a great feeling. I am becoming more outgoing and confident in myself and my skin. I have never know what that was like. It's a glorious feeling. I realize that my no means am I a tiny girl. I wear a size 12/14 comfortably. I feel normal- like a typical person, not shamoo on legs. I feel like at 32 almost 33 years old I am finally coming into myself and it's all because I made the choice to get the band and use it. I so wish everyone who has ever felt meek and awkward due to their weight could feel like I do right now. It is liberating. I makes me want to go out and when I see a large person tell them you don't have to live like that anymore. There is hope, there is help- you just have to use it to choose it. So this morning despite my feelings of not having lost enough, I am doing the happy dance and being thankful for how my life has changed due to my band.

August 1, 2013

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