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Lapband Journey

Entries in this blog

 

Reality is.......

It was hard to face reality a year and a half ago, they I was just shy of 250 lbs and had to do something to stop it before I hit 300.   The first year I must say was the honeymoon period with my band. I felt like I hardly had to work at losing weight, it just fell off. It was wonderful and exciting. Then bang- my one year aniversary hit and my weight loss came to a streeching halt- the band's fault- nope mine.   The first year, was easy because my weight was high and I was eating far less that what it takes to keep that weight. I couldn't eat as much as normal- so I lost weight. As the weight came off, I hit the titration point- I had finally lost down to the amount that my eating was matched.   Now, I have to face reality, I can keep going with what I am doing and stay in the same zone. I can, make changes- eat even less and or add exercise. The thing is, at this point, it's not going to be so easy. Now I must really work at it. I, also, must deal with weakness in myself, that I never really got rid of. Stress makes me want to eat. Last night as I lay watching TV with the hubs (Ziva's last episode on NCIS) I started thing, boy I want a snack. The thing was I wasn't hungry. I didn't need to eat anything. However, I gave into the weakness and went and got a bowl of ice cream. It slapped me in the head as I sat the empty bowl down in the sink, that I had just done something I would have done pre-band. That was not good- I have to nip that in the bud now. Will it be easy, no, but I must do it to maintain and to further succeed on my journey.   I know what I must do, I know what I need to do, yet I have not done it for months. Now, it's time to pull on the big girl panties and make some difficult choices and changes. It's time to face the music, because the reality it, if I go back to old way I will gain back all I have lost. The reality is I must, for my health, for my future, for my peace of mind- I must make these changes.   Is it my band failing me, no, it is myself and my human weakness trying the make me fail. But, here is the thing- I have the power to stop it, to change it, to change it now before it goes to far. Yeah, I may have lost even more if I would have gone with the sleeve or bypass, but I likely would have run into the same stumbling block at some point.   I hope I can do this!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

4
 

Looking Foward

I went home, to my home church, for Homecoming yesterday. The pastor spoke on being sucessful. He said in order to be a success at anything we have to admit our issues, deal with them and let them go- you can't look back and forward at the same time. Sometimes, I admit I hold on to the past to much.   At 186 I still see myself at 240. It's hard to admit that I look pretty good now, because if I do I might slip up and go backward. My weight loss has stopped since summer, I have stayed in the 186-189 range. With stress, the NUT says that is good. I haven't gained- true, but I haven't lost either.   I realize the definition of insanity, is continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result. I do make better choices when it comes to my diet, but not the best choices. With the band I physically can not eat the amount I use to, but I don't always chose the healtiest option. I must get better at this. I know that exercise can make a huge difference, but I have yet to really settle into a work out routine. The occasional workout is BS. I walk a couple times a week and I work in the yard at least one day a week. Yes, I stay busy, most of the time. But, I know after I finish the dishes at night- I need to do something physical instead of getting my shower and crashing in front of the boob tube.   Right now, I am not having issues with eating to much at the time, but to much over all. While I am not diabetic, my body is having trouble keeping my sugar levels regulated. I pretty much have to eat every 2 hours or risk getting shakey and passing out. It doesn't seem to have a bearing on what I eat. Last week, I got really bad off. I started talking out of my head- my sugar was in the 30's. A friend of mine just moved back here and she is a ER doc- she finally just got a Twix bar and made me eat it. It still took about 30 min for me to come totally out of it. I have got to see an endocranologist for test, but can't get an appointment until Dec. So until then I must eat something every 2 hours. So I have my phone set to go off- Even during the night I have hard candy by my bed to eat one when I go potty- this ensures when I do get up I can function. This totally sucks and I know it has nothing to do with my band, but still make things difficult.   Work has been rough for a few months now and it isn't getting better, so with everything going on it really gets me down in the dumps. My husband is great encouragement, but he is busy to with his two jobs.   I know I must now get back to basics and teach my self yet a new routine, so my body gets what it needs, not to much, but enough and timed so I can keep everything in balance.   I must look forward- I can't ask myself why, how, or whine about the circumstances I find myself in- I must look forward, develop a new plan of action and empliment.   Any of you have issue like this that can offer advice?
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
 

Up, Down, All Around

My weight has pretty much been at a stale mate since around June. I have stayed in the zone between 186-189. I weigh daily, each AM in the good ole B-day suite. Last week, while awaiting my monthly visitor I jumped to 190, then the next day 187- go fig- horomones, gotta love 'em.   Basically, I keep getting told that I should pat myself on the back for not gaining. True I haven't gained during a very stressful time in my life. However, on June 22, 2012 I had lapband surgery to lose weight. At that time I want to get to 175, so currently I am around 11 lbs shy of the original goal. As my weight fell off the first few months, with what seemed to be little effort, I changed my goal to 140. At this point I fear I will never make it to my ultimate goal.   At this point and time I can also say, shamefully, that I do little to make my goal attainable. I don't exercise daily like I know I should- I wouldn't say I am lazy. I move, a lot, I just don't have a regimented exercise routine, that I know would help me pull toward my goal. I, also, eat pretty much what I want. I eat pizza, cake, cookies, pie, ice cream, meals- I just don't eat as much as I did pre-surgery- I don't think it is possible. I do attempt to make things healthier- like cutting salt, eating lean meats, eatting less process foods and carb- but I don't make a huge effort to eat like a rabbit as my hubby calls it.   I have come a long ways- 60 lbs down from my highest- but yeah I want more, but I am finding motivation to move forward hard to come by.   I have been in a 14 all summer, but now they are a little loose and I can wear some 12's. That is great, don't know how that is happening, but my body much be reshaping.   I know that while I am not being hard core, I am doing something to at least maintain where I am. This morning I promised myself to make a concious effort to do better in the coming week so hopefully in the next month I can drop to 185. I am not 100% sure how I am going to do it, basically I am going to take it day by day- meal by meal- make better choices as time moves forward.   I want to be realistic and do things that I can continue, knowing that if I go to rabbit food for weeks, I may loose weight, but I won't be able to maintain that.   So I recommit, today I will begin with each bite to make better choices and to start listening a little closer to my bodies singles of satisfaction.   This is a battle I know I will fight every day for the remainder of my life, but in order to have a life, I must fight it each day.   I don't come on here much any more due to being busy, but I miss my friends- I miss my encouragers. I miss my one person who will kick my butt if needed. So firends- fire away- give it to me- help me get moving again. Everyone needs support once in a while.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

2
 

Trying to Make Lemonade

Life has been tossing me a lot of lemons lately- I am drowning in Lemonade. Work has been horrid, working way to many hours. I am tired and gumpy. When life is like this making good choices isn't easy. However, I am not gaining weight, which is, I suppose, a triumph. I still try to make good choices when it comes to food, they are just a little spare of the moment instead of planned.   This week I had my check up with my primary care for my anxiety med refill. While there I got my flu shot and a pneumonia shot. Since I have asthma they recommend I go ahead and get that. Bad idea. This morning my arm is swollen and very painful to move or touch, I have a mild temp, head ache, naseau and upset tummy. My band isn't happy about all this either- it's TIGHT- the yogurt is not going down easy, so I think the protein shake is going to have to come out. Doc just says take Advis and Tylenol rotating and rest. Well, I am at work- no rest for the weary.   Working out isn't happening these days. My works out are cleaning, cooking, yard work and dog duty. IF I get those done I consider the day a success. Yesterday, I spent 2 hours in the yard- cut grass, rake grass, trim flowers, sweep deck. Then I went in and cooked dinner. I do really try to make sure our dinners are healthy- non process, homemade and organic. Having a garden has helped with this.   While the weight loss has stopped, my body continues to change. Just bought a pair of nice dress jeans in a 14 about a month ago. Slipped them on yesterday and they are loose. So hey, I must not be doing to bad. I have stopped worrying about the scale, the weight will drop when it drops. I am moving more, sleeping better and doing more than before so that is a success in it's self. I still very much want to lose 40 more pounds and be in the 140's; maybe I'll get there maybe I won't. At this point, I know I am eating better, moving more and all my labs are perfect- so I can't ask for more than that.   This journey, if nothing else has taught me to be more aware. More aware of being lazy and what I choose to put in my body. I use to not bat a eye at eating a Big Mac and a large fry. You will never catch me eating that again. It just plain out isn't worth it. Now, last week on my 4th wedding anniversary the hubs and I went to cheesecake factory and my once a year slice of heavenly cheese cake was worth it- of course followed by a long walk. I always try to move more and add more steps and movement to my day. This could be standing while working on something or while on the phone. Walking to offices rather than calling, Walking to classrooms instead of calling. To me it's all about making the little choices throughout my day that equal a healthier me. I might hit my goal one day, but right now I am good with the choices I make. I am able to look myself in the face and say ok you aren't making the dumb choices you did before. I no longer hide eating- food doesn't control me, I control it. I like these steady changes and if they scale never moves anymore, I will be thankful for the 60 lbs gone right now and the changes I have made that have made me healthier.   The band is totally worth the trouble and little issues.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

Blah............

It has been a long time since I have written or read much on this site. Work is kicking my butt, working about 9-10 hours a day in the office, then coming home to do house work. It's become a work, work, work atmosphere and it's getting me down.   This past Sunday I spent most of the day sleeping, I was exhausted. It's just Tuesday and I have already put in 22 hours. My body aches, I feel blah, and have zero motivation or desire to do anything more that what is necessary. Exercise just ain't happening and lately neither has healthy eating.   I caught myself today eating like I use to and it scared me. I haven't had time to think lately or put much effort into meals. Breakfast is still the same yogurt, blueberries with a sprinkle of granola. Lunch is anything from cereal to take out. Today a friend went to Moes and got me a burrito bowl. I was busy working at my desk, she put it in front of me and said eat. I said thanks and started working. I was working and eating and caught myself mindlessly eating and shoveling it in. That is a habit I never want to see again. When I finally get home from work, I have no energy left to want to cook, so it easy stuff like bag meals or delivery pizza.   Thankfully, this crazy time tends to only last about a month, before things get back to normal. I can't wait!! My stress level is higher than it's been in a very long time, people at work are ill, the new computer system at work plan out sucks and cause me to work twice as hard to do half the work. Honestly, I want to sit down and cry.   My weight is still holding in the 186-189 range, which I guess I should be thankful that it hasn't gone up considering my horrific eating habits of late. With all the stress it causes me to look at myself like I use to- like a huge fat blob that will never loose weight so why try. I know 60 lbs are gone, but I still feel huge.   I am guessing it's the working myself to the bone, exhaustion, time of the month, ect that are getting me down. I had so hoped that by this time or at least by Christmas this year I would be at my goal of 140, but I am starting to think I will never get there and why try.   Any one with some words of wisdom or some encouragement out there? Totally feeling down and unworthy.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

6
 

A New Attitude.....

Work has been crazy lately, life has been crazy. I am busier than ever, but I am doing pretty well. There are times when I get down and out, but for the most part I feel stronger than I was 5 years ago.   This past weekend I went out of town, up to Ohio to visit my MIL. I realized on this trip, going through airports, going to new places, walking down crowed streets, taking city buses, that I am not nearly as self concious as I once was. What a great feeling to walk down the street or into places and hold my head up. Going into resturants and ordering, I don't feel self concious about my order. I just don't worry nearly as much about what people think of my outside. I lived life from 6 years old until 32 now always worried about how people view my outside.   When getting back to work this week, another big thing happend. In years past I would never stand up for myself- I was meek and quiet especially in confrontation. I HATE confrontation. Due to my job I often have confrontations with parents who want me to bend rules or plan out break them for their child. I hated it when I got in confrontations with co-workers. Well, my secretary screwed up majorly while I was out of town. I decided that I was not going to be the one to call the families and apologize for the problems. I took the forms back to her, told her what was wrong and to contact the families. She went off, she yelled, was very rude. In times past I would have hung my head and walked away. This time I looked her in the eye and told her she needed to calm down, that yelling at me because she screwed up was not acceptable and I would not take that. She cried left work, came back the next day and acted as if nothing happend. I stood up for me!!! What a great feeling.   I am becoming more outgoing and confident in myself and my skin. I have never know what that was like. It's a glorious feeling. I realize that my no means am I a tiny girl. I wear a size 12/14 comfortably. I feel normal- like a typical person, not shamoo on legs.   I feel like at 32 almost 33 years old I am finally coming into myself and it's all because I made the choice to get the band and use it. I so wish everyone who has ever felt meek and awkward due to their weight could feel like I do right now. It is liberating. I makes me want to go out and when I see a large person tell them you don't have to live like that anymore. There is hope, there is help- you just have to use it to choose it.   So this morning despite my feelings of not having lost enough, I am doing the happy dance and being thankful for how my life has changed due to my band.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

Can you hear it...........

Can you hear your band?   My band I think is bipolar. One day he yells at me, the next quite as a mouse, then the next firm but forgiving. Ok- what does this mean. One day I get stuck no matter how well I chew, the next day I can eat anything I want with no issue whatsoever, then the next after two meatball George's stop, now that is enough. What is up with that, why can't he be consistant???   For many of you, as it is for me over eating was the biggest cause of my weight- rather than just what I ate. I mean I love veggies, but even to much of a good thing can be bad. My portions is what I must watch and control. I know everyone says because you can eat more doesn't mean you should- this is exactly right, but when it taste so heavenly you want just one more bite. Some day George D. Band allows one more bite, some days he slaps me up side the head and says nope, I am going to make you pay for that. Then on occassion is clamly say, slow it down girlfriend it's time to stop. I enjoy the calm days, we get along really well those days.   For instance today- breakfast: Light & Fit Greek Yogurt 2X protien with two tablespoons of granola on top- snack 5 snowpeas with ranch dip (greek yogurt dip)- lunch 2 meat balls a little larger than a quarter. Each meal George said stop and I did. Days like today, he makes it easy, but there are others where I wonder what sector of hell he came from.   At 13 months out I have only lost 60 lbs . There are so many out there doing so much better than me, and I lament. I have 45 lbs more I want to lose. I know, I eat what I want, I don't feel I sacrifice, should I sacrifice. What more do I need to do? Gotta do something?
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

7
 

$1000 Milk Shake- NO WAY

The one thing I can say that is different about my food thinking is- I am a great deal more concious of what I eat and drink. Before I take something in, I often times will ask is it worth the calorie cost. The answer on many things is NOPE. This morning I was craving an Iced Mocha Latte from McDonalds- well the calorie cost isn't that high for the one I order (around 250), but to me it still was not worth it.   There was a day a day when if it tasted good I ate it, heck sometimes if it didn't taste good I'd eat it anyway. How sad is that? Now if I eat one bite and it's not appealing I am done- why waste the calories on something that isn't good. I would eat at meals like I'd never eat again, with the thought that the next meal I'd take it easy on- did I- no. Sometimes even now I find those old thoughts creaping up in my brain and I have to shake it off.   Now I am in a quest to find food that taste amazing and cost less in the calorie department. This isn't always easy to do. Last night I fixed homemade Chicken Alfredo with brocollini. For the pasta- spagetti squah, which is amazing, if you like paste I challenge you to try this- it is so easy to cook in the microwave. I made my own alfredo sauce that had no butter and was made with 2% milk rather than heavy cream. The chicken was boneless skinless chicken breast cut into bite size peices. Tossed a little brocolini florets in for color and add texture. It was awesome- so didn't feel like I was giving up anything. Just savored each bite.   I believe that if we were as concious with our calorie cost as we are with money cost there would be a lot less fat folk- I know I would be. So I try each day to look at my calorie count that way- is it worth the cost or not. Is it worth that extra pound I will see on the scale. You know what, there are times when it is worth it- but most of the time it isn't. If we live in this mind set it makes letting go of those calorie bombs not so difficult. For me sometimes, it makes thing taste less awesome, if I know it is loaded.   So, a challenge to us all- equate calories to dollars- is a milkshake worth $1000- NOPE
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
 

Son of a Biscuit

It's been a son of a biscuit few weeks. At work we have converted to a new software system and I am trying to learn it all the while, trying to make sure we are ready to start school in a month with 2500 kids and two campuses. This ain't easy!!   I go home from work with a head ache and high BP each day. The only thing I want is a nap. For about two months now I have weighed between 187-189, daily weigh in. My NUT told me not to worry about it right now, that stress is keeping me from losing and right now my goal should be to maintain during this stressful time and then once things calm down I can start working toward losing again. My hubs tells me to go home and work out each day. He has been hitting the elliptical and weights hard the last few weeks and has dropped 2 lbs - proud of my boy! I know I to need to get back to exercise, without it further weight loss will not happen. I have never been a lover of working out, I rather work at something- yard work, cleaning ect. When I lived on the farm there was always work to be done- garden to pick, yard to mow and clean, feilds to work, cows to deal with, ect. Now as I live in the city my little .27 of an acre isn't keeping me as busy as the 100 acre farm I was raised on.   I know must find some way to enjoy and maintain an exercise regiment. We have an elliptical and a total gym in our home and a greenway behind our house. I have no excuse, yet I always seem to find one.   This week I am trying to go back to the basics. No eating out, eating clean and healthy. Also, I want to hit the elliptical at least 3 times this week.   While I am proud of myself that during this 13 month journey I have managed not to gain, that isn't good enough. I still have about 45 lbs that I want gone. I will get there, just don't know when.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

5
 

Inspirations

When ever and what ever journey you take your are often inspired to take it by someone or something.   I was inspired to have WLS due to several friends having it and having great results. Once banded I have been inspired by people right here on this site- Carolina Girl has done amazing, Missy Wowzer what a awesome job, AJ beautiful!! There are many others, but these are those that I look to and always want to read what they have to say, because I relate to them and are inspired by them and their words. Yeah some times my toes get steped on, but that means they are getting to me and will help me.   In the 1 year time period I have had my band I went from 244 to 187. Yeah, people have lost twice that much in the same time period, but I didn't. I am a little jealous, would love to have done better, but I am me and am where I am and I am working on it. My journey brings to mind a song that the little kids at my church use to sing and it inspires me:   "I am a promise, I am a possibility, I am a great big bundle of potentiality" - That line make me smile, because I know I have the possiblity and the potential to do whatever I set my mind to. It inspires me to work hard to get the things I want, like getting to goal.   We all have to get our inspiration to work hard and continue the journey on the rough days from somewhere and something- there are people all around me that give me this. My hubs, the three amazing ladies above who inspire me with their post even if they don't know it, my mom who is always telling me how proud she is, my friends who are proud, and my body that feels better and doesn't get winded when I run up my stair case in my house.   While I was lucky I never reached the point of having diffulity walking, I was getting there. My knees were begining to have pain. My ankles, both of which have been broken multiple times were crying out for me to lose weight. I am glad I finally was inspired to do this last year and I am thankful for all the place and people that inspire me to contiue this journey each and every day.   Look around you today find your inspirations and smile- hold on to them so on a dark day you can whip 'em out and keep movin'.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
 

Nature's Dinner

Having planted my own little urban garden this year, I have been enjoying natures bounty. I have spaghetti squash, yellow squash, zucchini squash, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, and sweet bell peppers. So I have had lots of veggies to cook. So the following are some meals I have prepared with natures goodies:   Spaghetti Squash Garlic Alfredo I cook the squash in the microwave, which takes just a little bit. I make my own garlic alfredo using garlic cloves, olive oil, 2% milk and flour. It's yummy and far less calories than the store bought kind. Sprinkle a touch of parm on top- yummy.   Veggie frittata Saute zucchini, cherry tomatoes, onions, peppers add beaten egg and a dash of 2% milk - sprinkle with a touch of monteray jack cheese and it's a yummy meal that reheats wonderful.   Grilled Squash Sliced squash tossed in a touch of olive oil, salt and pepper and place on a grill tray and grilled till tender enjoy or sprinkle with a touch of parm cheese.   Spaghetti Squash and Veggies Cook Squash in the microwave Touch of olive oil- sauté onion, peppers, cherry tomatoes, squash- salt, pepper to taste, dash of lemon juice. Toss with squash- sprinkle with parm cheese.   These are just a few things I have done in the last few weeks - it's nice to eat out of my own garden. I know it's organic, I know it's fresh, and it is soooo good!    
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

2
 

1year and counting.....

Tomorrow I will have had George D. Band for one year. Luckily, I haven't had any problems. I have gotten about 6 fills and feel like I am in a good place. George is a little tempermental, tightening up whenever he wants to.   I have lost 57 lbs and counting. The first 6 months the weight came off with what seem of ease. Then the last 6 months it's slowed to almost nothing. I know, however, the slow down is my own fault.   When I began this journey in April 2012, I was excited and determined. I was banded June 22, 2012 and did everything that I was told. As time went by and the weight came off I started to become a little lax on following the rules- like a couple of extra bites here and there and eating more calories than I should. For a while I was getting on the elliptical daily or at the least every other day and getting 30 -45 min. Now my workout routine has become sporatic at best. Partly, the lack of exercise is because work has become very busy and life consuming since we are switching computer systems. Partly, I let the work outs slip because I just didn't want to do it, even though I knew I should.   The last month my weight has bounced between 187-190, basically the first 50 lbs fell off the last 7 have come about a pound a month.   I do follow the water thing religiously and I do not drink any type of carbonation. I have only had a couple of alcohol drink and they were mixed drinks, which is my preference anyway.   I have really started these last couple of weeks trying to get back on track and not allow myself a cheat. This isn't always easy, but it is something I must do. This time of year ice cream and iced coffee from McDonalds are deamons. I love these things during the summer months, so I am trying to avoid them.   I hope that I can rededicated my life to dear George and get him working like a champ again. I admit that I have not lived up to my end of the bargin, but George has agree to forgive me. However, George must be a little upset at me because for the last two days he has decided to tighten up to the point yogurt is my food of choice and it keeps me going for 4 hours. I wish he'd loosen up just a touch.   So to sum it up after a year of happy marriage to dear George D. Band we are still stitched together, just needing a little couple's therapy.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

Odds and Ends

At 3 days shy of my 1 year banding mark, I have come to a lot realizations. Through this process you tend to learn about yourself and your strength. I have come to realize, I've lied to myself for a long time.   I use to think I ate healthy- WRONG. While I didn't hit fast food joints a lot, what I cooked at home wasn't cooked the healtiest and I ate a lot of processed foods. Beside that I just plain out ate a lot.   I use to think that this process would be a snap for me- easy as pie- that I would be a leader and knock the docs socks off- WRONG. I have lost 60 lbs, which isn't horrible, but I could have lost a lot more. I had to realize some things about me and it took a while. It's not always easy to make the right choices when it comes to eating.   I use to think- ok I can do this with out exercise- WRONG. I have lost the weight I have with little exercise. While on occassion I take a long walk with the pups, I did good for about a month on the elliptical and the hubs and I ride bikes when the weather allows. But, my workout are not routine, they are sporatic at best. Honestly, I believe I am going to have to add consistant exercise to my routine to ever lose more weight.   I use to think- ok, it's okay to eat not so great food today, it's only one day- WRONG. Some people are able to do this, I am not one of them. I find that if I go out and eat something that I normally don't, say fried chicken, that will set my cravings for other not so healthy foods off. For me going off a rigid plan only leads to a slippery slope that I have great difficulty not going over. I have fallen off this slope more times than I care to count. I am currently climbing my way back up to the top.   I use to think- I can do this alone- NOPE again. I need the support of so many people. When you are having a tough day, even though you know the answers to some questions, you just need someone there who can reassure you that you are correct. You need the support from the people you are around on a daily basis- spouse, kids, parents, roommates, friends and sometimes co-workers. You also really need a good open relationship with your doctor and nutrtitionist- these are the specilaist to can help you best of all with tweeks to your plan. You also need some type of support group- it could be an actual group meeting or this site- but a group of people who are going through the same thing as you are; who can understand the ups and downs. You also need somewhere that you can come and encourage others, so you feel value in this process - it's an evolving cycle.   These are not nearly all the things that I learned, but it's a lot of the big ones. I've stuggled with my weight since I was 6 years old; always being the big girl. I find that I ate complusively and emotionally for years even though I didn't realize it. I realize that while I haven't done horrible on this journey, the only reason I haven't lost more is that I did fully invest in it. I thought I could do it my way and still get where I wanted and that was wrong. I have to do what the doctor and the nutrtionist recommend- healthy diet (plan- whatever you want to call it), exercise, rest, lots of water.   So even though I am one year out and about 45 lbs from my goal of weight in the 140's, I am going to have to reinvest myself, get back into the game and hit it hard. I am going to have to do it or I will remain in the 180's.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

Shut up and Listen!!

I know that is a bold statement, but not doing this is what got me to 250 and not doing this will make me gain weight back.   Yesterday was Father's Day and I went up to see my dad. I ordered a nice cake with a pic of him and his tractor on it and we got him a new Tab computer for a gift. He was so happy. I am a Daddy's Girl, so I love bringing a smile to his face. My brother's came, my mom had gotten chips and icecream to go with the cake. So we snacked. I got a small piece of cake with one scoop of ice cream. I ate about 3 bits of cake and got the hicups. At first I wanted to ignore them, but then I realized, wait that is my single to stop. My body is saying ok, we tasted this, now we are done- put the darn cake down.   This is when I can either continue eating or put it down. I ate another couple of bites and tossed the remainder.   I learned something in this. My body knows what it is suppose to do, but I over rule it sometimes and this is what lead to my original weight gain. If I just shut up and listen to my band/tummy it will tell me what I need to know. If I ignore it, not only will I gain weight, or not lose, I will increase my chance for complication with my band.   Soooo- if you are choosing to ignore your body, to ignore your band, to ignore your doctor, who do you have to blame for lack of weight loss or weight gain- YOURSELF. I know that may sound harsh, but it's true. I haven't lost as much as I wish I had, and you know whose fault it is - it's not Dr. Yoo's or my band's- it's Kim's!!! I have to own it.   Food is awesome, it taste wonderful. One of the great things about the band is- no I can't eat as much, but if I eat the way I am suppose to, slow and chew slow I can enjoy, savor, taste, really get the joy out of what I am eating. Think about it when you scarf something down, do you really taste all the flavors, do you taste the layers, the goodness, all the hard work put into making the dish - nope.   Enjoy food- slow down and take the time to savor. When you body says ok enough listen. Then when you body says ok, I need nutrition- eat.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
 

Where am I????

To sum up my life of late "I have been runnin 'round like a chicken with his head cut off". This is a countryism where I come from and basically if you wack a chicken's head off he runs around in all directions until he finally falls over dead.   Basically, I've been busy. Work, family stuff, work, dogs, work, doctor's appointments, parties, ect. Things are begining to slow a touch, but not much, I am just hoping to catch my breath a bit. I need to be able to come up for air.   At work this morning, being that the kids are gone as are most of the teachers, I am "bumbin' it". I have my jean capri's with a wally world t-shirt and my trusty "don't leave home with out 'em" flip flops. This is my standard appearl in the summer months. While my capri's are a comfy 14, my t-shirt is a left over from last summer XL, so it's big and floppy, but comfy. However, as I looked in the mirror at my reflection this morning I thought- I've changed. Last summer at this time I was in a 20 pant, and XL-XXL shirts and busting out of them. This year the double chin has faded, I can see my collar bones (I was never sure I had those 'till now), and here is the kicker- and for you former fatties you understand me- I can see between my thighs - I see light- WOW!!! Since I was in kindergarden my thinghs touched, now they have separated- I see light. What a thrilling thing to see.   Last weekend I went to Victoria's Secret to get some new undies as mine were saggin in the butt. I ask the lady what size she thought I needed. She told me to turn around and she oggled my a** for a min and said Large. I was shocked but happy. So I bought 7 pair and headed home, some what thinking these will never fit. Low and behold they are soo comfy. No more saggy butt.   While I always seem to harp on "why haven't I lost more", it seems that I have come a long why. Yes I still have about 45 lbs to go. Will I make, I sure as heck hope so. Good Lord willing and the creeks don't rise I will see the blessed 140's.   This journey, my journey, seems to have been about a steady slow change of habits. Sheading the old ways and replacing with new healthier thought processes. It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been killer either. While I haven't lost 100 lbs like some who completely flipped their habits upside down, I have slowly made changes and slowly lost weight. I feel that by making this slow progress toward a healthier me I will be able to stick to it as the days, weeks, months, years, decades pass.   So at almost 1 year post op I would say I am in a pretty good place. I still eat foods I love. I haven't competely cut anything from my diet, I just eat far less of the bad stuff and in general just smaller amounts at the time. I do still enjoy a slice of veggie pizza from time to time, but a slice instead of a half a large pizza. I still on occassion eat pasta, but try to avoid due to fear of getting stuck. I eat sweets on special occassion, but rather than a goliath size piece I eat a bird size peice.   Life is Good and a whole lot more comfortable this year than last!!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

Alternatives

I having been looking for alternatives for things I love that will be healthier and here are somethings I have found:   Spagetti Squash instead of pasta. You can cook it in the mircowave and then stread with a fork and you have pasta, with LESS carbs. Plus it's really tasty.   Couscous instead of rice. I do eat brown rice sometimes, but I get tired of it. Some times I want something that taste good and decatant, but won't kill the "diet". If you use a little olive oil in a sauce pan, heat it up add a chopped onion and 3-4 garlic cloves. Cook until the onions are done, add 1 cup of water and bring to a boil. Once it is boling take it off the heat add one cup of coucous and let it sit. Once it as sat about 4 min, take a fork and fluff- add a little parm cheese for a little extra something. While couscous does have carbs it also had more protein and fiber. If you get stuck on rice, you likely won't get stuck on this because the grains are so fine.   Veggie chip instead of potato chips. I make my own chips. I purchased a Pampered Chef chip maker. I use zucchini, yellow squash, sweet potato, apples to make my own chips. Plus I can season like I want using less salt. You can make a bunch and put in plastic bags and save for later.   Greek yogurt instead of sour cream in recipes. There is a slight difference, but you like will not notice. I use the 0% Fage.   Bullion instead of oil in veggies. If you are from the south, your mama likely put a little grease in her veggies (like steamed cabbage or string beans). To perk of the flavor just add a teaspoon of beef bullion to veggies. This will give you flavor and all the salt you'll want.   Fruit parfait rather than a sundae. When I want a dessert type food this is my go to. Cut up one large strawberry in the bottom of a bowl top with a Table spoon of Fage 0% greek yogurt, put a few blue berries on top. Sprinkle a teaspoon or organic granola or flax seed on top. Another good treat is to cut a fresh peach in half, place on a hot grill and flip about 2 min later cook 2 more min, remove top with a small spoon of greek yogurt- this is really yummy.   These are just a few I have found- what healthy swaps have you found?
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
 

Picture Painted

Ok, I just went in for my 1 year post-op. June 22 will be my one year, but due to scheduling I went early.   Good news- I have lost 60 lbs since pre-op. I was down 7 lbs from my last fill in Feb (even though it doesn't feel like it). Every thing looks great- had floro fill done.   I would like to share a few things my doc stressed to me while I was there that painted a good picture of how life should be now....   1- I MUST see him at least once a year for a floro check of my band, to make sure I am not having any problems.   2- Eat 5 meals a day. This will keep my metabolism going and give me enough calories.   3- Eat only a cup at a time. His picture was: you use to have a 4 lane highway, now you have a one lane pig path- no more tractor trailers.   4- Small bites. A bite is the size of a peanut M&M and only 3 per min.   5- Sips of water. A sip is half a cough syrup cup - again only 3 per min.   6- Protein first then fiber.   Going in today I kinda felt like I did at the start of the journey, excited and waiting to get going. Not sure why I lost that fire before, but glad I found it again.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
 

The Little Things....

I spent a while last night researching little things I can do to increase my weight loss with out feeling like I am giving up anything and here are some of the things I found:   - Say no to empty calories (drinks with calories are useless- they do nothing to fill you up and only add to your waist line. If you need flavor in your drinks there are a great deal of water flavor packets you can buy with 0 calories)   - 3 meals a day isn't always the best (I use to think if I stuck to breakfast, lunch, dinner I would be ok- not so much. If you eat a big meal 3 times a day, your metabolims looks like a roller coaster. If you eat small meals- like our 1 cup meals- and add in protein/fiber rich snacks your metabolism keeps trucking along, which helps you burn more calories)   - If you are going to eat a carb, make it complex. (Fruit has carbs, go ahead check behind me, but they also have water, nutrients and fiber. So mix a little fruit in with your protein- like grapes and cheese, blueberries or strawberries in yougurt or oatmeal)   - Moving burns calories. (Any movement will burn calories. Shake your legs while sitting at your desk, walk to a co-workers office rather than calling, park further away from the store, walk to the mail box rather than driving (yep I know people who do this), Shake your grove thing while cooking (the hubs love when I do this), laugh, clean your house, wash your dishes instead of putting them in the dish washer. The point is MOVE.)   -Develop a meal plan for the week. ( This will keep you on track and will help the budget, because you won't buy things that you don't need. Put your plan on the frige- this really does make things easier, when you have a busy life).   -Take Vitamins (Nearly all American Adults have low Vitamin D levels. When mine was just tested it was 19, it should be 50. Your body must have Vit. D to break down fat, I didn't know this, but have found out, this can cause weight loss slow downs. Make sure you are getting your levels check at least yearly and you are supplimenting where needed).   -Spice it up (By adding a little heat from pepper to your meals you can boost your metabolism. This may not be a huge boost, but if you are like me I'll take what I can get. Sprinkle a little chili powder on different foods- spice up chicken.)   -Eat fruits and veggies. (Yes, protein is very important, but a person can not live by protein alone- well they can, but you get my point. It's summer, hit the local farmers market and try veggies. There are thousands of healthy ways to prepare veggies- hit up google. Try new and diffrent fruits and veggies. For a indulgent desert- grill a halfed peach and put on spoon of greek yogurt on top (it is so good!!). Fruits and veggies give you nutrients, help your digestive system, satisfy a sweet tooth, gives you water- so add a fruit of veggie to each meal.) I planted a small garden out back of my house which I go out and weed and water nightly -moving- and I get fresh organic veggies- so double the good for me.   Little things may seem little, but together they add up. I have found over the last year, sometimes it is the little things that can make a big difference.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

2
 

Die Hard......

It is to true that old habits die hard. It doesn't seem to matter how long ago you put them away, you thought for good, they will still on occassion rear their ugly head. If we are not on the look out for them, it is very easy to fall prey.   This weekend, the hubs and I hosted my mom's 65 birthday party. I had about 35 people at my house. While it was an awesome night and every one had fun, I realized that I screwed up.   Our menu was hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill, sides were: chips, tater salad, cole slaw, baked beans, mac and cheese. I thought ahead enough to know I couldn't do the bread, so that was fine, I bought skinless hot dogs so I could have one with a little slaw on the side. I did good in the fact that I avoid the chips, mac and cheese, and tater salad. I had a small spoon of baked beans.   I was having a great time. I ate slowly- no stuck problems. Then it was dessert time. I had made a homemade apple cobbler and peach cobbler and had purchased a beautiful cake from BJ's. I also had ice cream to go with these. I ate a peice of cake and a spoon of ice cream on the side.   Granted in days past I would have eaten double, maybe triple what I ate that night. But, I still over did it. My band is really loose right now and that makes it really easy to slip up. (My appointment is Thursday- yeah) But, I can't blame my band, it is me, my choice. But, honestly I wasn't even thinking.   We had a ton of cake left and chips and burgers. I sent left overs home with my brothers being that one has 5 kids at home and the other has 3 at home. I did keep one small square of cake for me and my hubs to share- shouldn't have done that.   Yesterday, I woke up with the mother of all migraines. I managed to stay up right long enough to feed the dogs and tell the hubs I was going back to bed. I stayed their till noon. I got up cleaned my house up from the party the night before and the head ache returned, I hit the couch. I hardly moved yesterday. Felt like crap.   This morning I felt better- got up and hit the scale before heading out to work. 191.3- well the weekend certainly showing it's self. 3 lbs up for the lowest. I keep bouncing between 188 and 191 for the past 3 weeks.   I know I can do better, I should do better, I want to do better- but I keep slipping up. At the moment I am like screw it I want this- then I feel aweful. Granted I don't slip to bad, but a slip is a slip and bad either way.   I worry that I will never drop below this weight. Is this where I am destined to stay? Will I self-sabatage myself more? How do I get back on track and stay there?   You may say, well you have to do it, you have to want it. I do want it and I know I have to do it- but it is not easy, WLS is NOT the easy way out.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

4
 

Mind Over Matter

I have hit many stumbling blocks of late and admit to falling a few times. I regret this and do not blame my band at all, I blame myself for becoming complacent and just plain out not caring enough.   When I get down and out I tend to get into the "I just don't care" mode- not a good place to be.   I haven't had a fill since Feb and am really feeling it now. I get hungry pretty quick, this lets me know the band does work, which properly used. I go in Thursday to see my surgeron and get a fill- pretty excited. I will be happy to drink protein shakes for a day and have them fill me up.   Last night I did a fridge purge of all the bad stuff that I was falling prey to. I know this is my own fault- not the foods or the bands. I am not as strong as I would like to be when it comes to certain things. I must work on that.   Work is killing me - long hours and a lot of hurry up and wait. Right now I am waiting on several teachers to do their part so I can finish mine. There slowness, makes my days long and irritating.   I woke up this morning and told myself that today was a new day- fresh with no mistakes (A line in Anne of Green Gables- love that movie _) I am going to make this a good day- I have that power. I can do it and I will.   I have said this several times of the last month and still manage to stumble in a few days. However, this time I have taken a few steps to help myself. I am back to my journal and I have made meal plans.   I will not gain this weight back, I will not fail. I will move forward. I will not fall!! It is imbarrishing to faulter as much as I have, but I am not pefect and I have my issues.   There are some bandsteres on here that are the "perfect" patient and don't seem to ever have a problem or struggle with this process, but that isn't me and I have to accept that I am not them. I have to stand up, shake it off and get back on the horse.   I hope that others who read this and have stumbled will join me in getting back on it. I hope that those who stumble find courage and support that they are not alone in the fight. We can do this if we continue fighting, but if we throw our hands up in defeat the fat will win.   My rump is dusty and sore from all the "throws", but I am jumping back on!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

1
 

Decisions.....

I had the lapband just a little over 11 months ago and have lost 58 lbs. Most within the 1st 6 months. I am glad I did it, it has change how I look at food and what I put in my mouth. I do feel healthier, just wish my weight loss was more.   I have made no secret about my anxiety disorder on this site. While I don't really like telling people around me about my disorder, I want this place to be my safe zone where I can discuss it.   I am currently taking Paxel, which has changed my life, in the fact that I hardly have any symptoms of my disorder now- which is AWESOME!!   I also, have discussed my difficulty in having a child. Prior to getting banded I had 3 miscarriages. The doctors never figured out the cause.   Now, I have been given the green light from my surgeon to try for a child, I have to stop my Paxel. This worries me, the last thing I needs is my anxiety returning during pregnancy. My OB/GYN has is trying to transition me for Paxil to a different SSRI that is ok during pregnancy. Once I have been ok on that for a month or two I can go ahead and try.   This being said, the hubs and I have decided to try one more time. With all the med stuff, we can't try until July or Aug, but we are going to try.   I am not sure if it will take this time around or not. Honestly, I some what fear getting pregnant, in that I know I will gain weight and I don't want to gain weight, but I must for a healthy baby. So to that end I must be very careful and take good care of myself to make sure I don't gain any more weight than I need to.   None the less I am excited about trying again and I know that with support and help whatever weight I do gain I can get back off once the little one is here.   So please send a prayer up for me!!
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

2
 

UP, Down, All Around

I wonder when the mind games end, boy I hope they do end.   I know that we all have a problem when figuring out portion sizes, which is why measuring and weighing is so helpful.   But, what about our body.   My weight has bounced for months now. Up 2 lbs, down three, up 2, down 1, up 2, down 4- you get the picture. I slowly dropped from 199 in Dec. to the lowest I have seen 188 in May. I am currently doing the bounce thing still.   I haven't had a fill since Feb and have an appointment for one next week. My meals are no longer holding me 4 hours.   Any way with all the up down of the scale, what does that say for how I look? I look in the mirror and I see that my face is smaller, as is my body, but I still feel HUGE! I slide on one pair of 14 shorts and they fit perfect, then slide on another pair and they are loose.   Last night I went out for a Walk/Run with the hubs and 2 dogs. As I slipped on my 12/14 gym shorts that fit perfectly (last year they were like a 2nd skin), my sports bra and my old outer banks t-shirt. I realized that my boobs stick out further than my tummy now. I clearly see my feet.   All this is great, but I still feel like a walking Shamoo Show.   I am just getting so frustrated with all of it. It is like this process has become all consuming. Everything is about my band and my weight loss.   The doc said last time I have been successful, but I am still so big. I mean 188 is a lot less than 244, but still it's a long ways from the 125 the charts say I should be.   I by no means believe I will ever hit 125, but I would like to see the upper 130's- and low 140's. But, that is still 40+ pounds away.   I begin to wonder will I ever make it.   I am still very fatigued, which my OB/GYN attributes to my extremely low Vit D level, my mildly down B levels and my mildly low iron levels. I am currently work toward getting these up with insane regiment of pills.   Maybe, once my level get back in the homeostatic range with weight loss will continue.   Any one else feel like this sometimes?
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
 

Embarrishment

When my hubs ask his mom what her Mother's Day/Birthday Wish was, her answer was come up and see me.   My MIL lives in Ohio and we see her about once, sometimes twice a year. She is a sweet little lady and I want to make her happy. But, with my insane work issues these days, it has been hard for the hubs and I to set a date to go. Which seemed to make the MIL very sad, but she didn't say anything.   After some time and getting some training dates and such I figured out when I could manage to get a few days off work. So last night we called her and told her we were looking at the weekend of July 27th and wanted to make sure that would work for her. She was elated and said that she would make it okay, if that was the only time it would work for us. So date said, headed north that weekend.   My MIL cheerfully continued to talk a bit and ask how much had I lost now. I turned red faced! When she was here in November she took me shopping for new clothes, at that time I had lost right at 50 lbs. Now it is 6 months later and I am only 8 more lbs down. So I lied a touch- I told her I was down 60 lbs and I am only down 58- so not to bad. My MIL had a friend who lost 100 lbs in a year. I am afraid she is going to be disappointed when she sees me.   I know it shouldn't bother me and I should be happy with the results so far, but I want her to see me as a success not a failure.   For some odd reason I always feel a need to impress my MIL. When I first started see my hubs it took her a long time to warm up to me. I am 7 almost 8 years younger than my honey. While she didn't say anything to him, she ask mutual friends if they thought I was just going for him for his money or if I really love him. Of course that was a LOL because I had seen his bank statement and if I was in it for money I would have quickly broken up with him. Anyway, she was still not getting the warm and fuzzys when we married, she told me on our wedding day - "make my son happy and don't leave him". Her tone was one of if you hurt him I will hurt you! My husband's first wife walked out on him just said she didn't love him maybe never did. He was messed up from this for a while.   When I got pregnant the MIL was all of a sudden so happy that I was in his life. After all I was going to give her a grandbaby. Then we had to call her a few weeks later and tell her we had lost the baby- this killed me - I hated to hear the disappointment in her voice, but she was very sweet to me. Since that time she and I have gotten along very well.   All I want to do is please her, which is nuts. Hopefully, getting on the Vit D will help my weight start heading down- maybe I will be at the 60 mark by July! I hope so.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

3
 

Coping Skills

Even though I work in computers now with the school system, my college degree was actually Counseling with a concentration in Substance Abuse.   While working at a drug treatment center I worked with patients on developing coping skills to help them deal with cravings to use. We would tell them, they must avoid people, places and things that are triggers; some to the point of having to live some where other than where they came from.   During that time I was in denial that I myself was an addict, but my drug of choice was food. Unfortunatly, I can't avoid food. I must eat, but as I continue on the self reflective journey I have been on of late, I realize that I have food triggers. Cookies- I love them, they are buttery and chewy and oh so good. If I make cookies and eat one, I can't stop- I must eat more. Ice Cream is another problem, I love ice cream, any shape or form- cones, cups, shakes- yum. So I know, no ice cream should be kept in the house because I won't stop until it is all gone.   Now you may say, where is you will power, where is your want power? I do want to lose weight, but there are times where it is like an out of body experience, I realize what I am doing is wrong and I will regret it, but I can't stop- this is classic addict behavior.   If you are able to use your want power to prevent you from ever slipping up- awesome for you- but addicts many times can not rely strictly on that.   I am actully going back and reading some of my old college textbooks to help myself with this addiction. While I have lost a little more than half of what I want to lose, in order for me to lose more and here is the key- keep it off- I must figure out my triggers and develop coping skills for dealing with these.   Is this journey easy- heck no! Will it be worth it- heck yes. But, I feel I will be much more successful long term now that I am looking at this for what it is! Just like drug, tobacco, alcohol addiction is a life long battle- so is food addiction.   For those of you who what I am saying rings true, take a look at yourself- what are your triggers- what can you do to cope with them.   So with that- Hello, my name is Kim and I am a foodaholic.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

4
 

Open your eyes......

I am still on my learning journey and getting back on track after gaining 3 lbs. This may not sound like much to you, but I know that 3 ends up as 6, which will end up as 12 if I don't nip it in the bud now.   When I left work yesterday I headed for my weekly grocery trip. I had my list and my meal plan. Got very little processed stuff, mostly meat and veggies, and the fur kid food. Came home, unload and unpacked and put everything up. I started our dinner - we had chicken alfredo (totally homemade using spagetti squash and my from scratch low fat/cal sauce with lots of veggies). I went and weeded my garden while waiting for the hubs to get home (I got baby squash and cucumbers). Once he got home, we ate (left overs galore- we both ate and we both have lunch for today and I have enough for tomorrow to). I did dishes and then headed out to cut the grass. We have a .25 acre yard and I push mow it. After finishing that I put down my fire ant treatment being that I was attacked. Then in the house to set up the next days "stuff", shower and spends some time with the hubs. So as you see my afternoon was full, this is a normal day in my life- I am pretty much moving and doing something all day except when I have to sit at my desk at work.   After the busy day, I settled down with the hubs to watch a little TV. I was already 9. After a few min of laying there in the chaise lounge I started thinking oh, I need a snack. I deserve it, after all I push mowed the lawn. Then the little voice came from deep inside that ask, are you really hungry? The answer was honestly NO- head hunger was creeping in. I squashed that real quick- got a bottle of water and sucked it down hung out with the hubs and my fur babies for a while longer before hitting the sheets.   The point to all of this is, it doesn't matter how long post op you are, how long you have done things right, or how committed you are- things will always pop up to make us want to eat. We have a problem- we want more food than we need. The only way for me to lose weight and keep it off is to recongnize these problem times and areas, face them and squash them.   Normally, I would go in for a fill, I haven't had one since Feb. However, I know I still get stuck a lot so I am not sure a fill is the best route for me right now. I will go in next month for my 1 year follow up and let them check it then, if the doc says it's time for another fill, then we will do it, because he is the expert. While a fill might help me deal with these things, at some point I must face the demons of my eating problems and lean to cope.   I encourage everyone no matter where you are along this journey to keep your eyes open and be on the watch for these little demons to creep in. They will, for some more than others, but if we keep our eyes open and are mindful of them we will beat them and come out on top.   When I was working in a drug treatment center, I often times talked to my patients about developing coping skills. Things to do when they were craving their drug of choice, well I must do the same thing when I am craving or wanting food when I don't need it.   Maybe I am slow on the take off, maybe I wasn't 100% ready when I had surgery. But, I am waking up from a fog and realizing I have a problem with food and I must deal with it now before it gets me. I have a tool to help me with this, it is up to me to use it and to develop other tools to deal with my addiction.
Kime-lou

Kime-lou

2
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