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break the cycle

I talked to a couple different patients of mine about looking into Lap Band surgery today. I didn't tell them I was getting it done - I haven't told many people. I don't want to feel pressured by the expectations of others (even though I'm usually the one pressuring myself).   We're frequently our own worth enemies, aren't we? Set ourselves up by picking impossible goals, dooming ourselves to failure. Feeling that overwhelming guilt and disgust when we fail again. Guilt, disgust, anger, self-contempt motivating us to try and dull the pain with our favorite coping strategies. Which always includes more food. Repeat ad nauseum.
zoonoses13

zoonoses13

2
 

26 more days

Crazy clinic day today. But then, Friday's always are. People that have been sick ALL WEEK, decide Friday morning they must be seen before the weekend or they will surely die. :eek: No band news for me. Just gotta pay my bills to the surgeons and the hospital. $3000 to one surgeon, $1000 to his assistant. $8500 or so to the hospital. $900 or so for anesthesia. I'm sure there's more that'll slide in there before I'm done. I have my last pre-op appointment (this time with the guy who's actually DOING the surgery) next Friday afternoon. I'm excited to get weighed and measured. I've lost 15 lbs. Don't know how many inches.   Personal stats: Megan 35 years old Married 2 years two kids ages 12 and 11 living in Central Washington small town family doc 215/200/130? starting BMI 39.5 surgery date 2/28 Auburn Medical Center, Washington, Dr. Fox
zoonoses13

zoonoses13

1
 

time's flying

Good news! Magically I've jumped to 28 days left until I'm banded! (aren't most drug recovery programs 28 days??) They moved up my surgery to February 28th due to a scheduling snafoo on their part. YIPPEE! I'm sure 2 years from now I'll look back and think "what difference does that two days really make?" But right now, it seems huge.
zoonoses13

zoonoses13

2
 

betrayal

I will not diet ever again. I tell myself this in mantra form every day, while I wait for my surgery date. 31 days left. Is it 31 days until I'm free. Or 31 days of freedom left? I would move up my surgery date in a second if I could. Even knowing that there will be times I miss my old stomach, my old life, my old friend (food). Is there anything worse than losing an old friend? growing apart? knowing you don't have anything in common with them anymore? or worse, having a friend betray you? we've all been betrayed by food. and we all have decided it's time to cut that friend loose, and struggle on without her. And our other family and friends can't fill that void for us. We'll still feel the pain of that loss. Even though we know that she wasn't a real friend.
zoonoses13

zoonoses13

2
 

if she can do it

I'm feeling down in the dumps today. I saw an old friend at Macy's and she had lost 75 lbs with 'diet and exercise'. She looked awesome. And my husband said 'if she can do it without surgery, you can too'. I know he'd prefer we spent that money paying off our credit cards. If I worked really hard for 6 months, I probably could lose 75 lbs. I'd just regain it again. He doesn't see that though. Limbo-land for me. I have surgery scheduled 3/2.
zoonoses13

zoonoses13

3
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