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ReneBean's Journal

A blog by ReneBean

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Former Fat Chick In Progress

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Jan 25th, 2005. Preparations.

Well, today is the last day of my official "Me Year". Tomorrow I turn 41. I have accomplished the one goal that I had for the year - getting insurance approval for the LapBand Surgery. I had to fight tooth and nail - but Sanity won out over Stupidity, and the State of California told Blue Cross they have to pay. :rambo Yesterday was my pre-op visit with Dr. Louis Fox from the Surgery Center of Richardson. He said no liquid diet pre-op. Yee Haw!! I can deal with South Beach phase I for 10 days. I think I will do some liquids the day before, just to empty out the system. Tomorrow morning I stop by the stab-lab for updated Bloodwork, and that should be all I need! I m pretty excited about the whole thing - but it still isn't REAL to me. Maybe after I start the 10 day pre-op diet... But Today & Tomorrow, it's Carb Central for me... my Celebratory Cheeseburger & Fries will be tonight, I think. I wish my oven wasn't broken... I would bake a loaf of bread. Oh well. The dieting is all for a good cause... ME! I can and will do what needs to be done to make this surgery a success. Even after losing a total of 10lbs since September - I can see my cheekbones, again. Hmmm, didn't I used to be a Babe? Oh, yeah... I WAS a Babe. Of course, I never really knew that until I wasn't a Babe anymore. Figures. Well, this time around, I intend to ENJOY my Babedom - and work it to it's fullest. It's a sad world when promotions are dependent on fitting a physical mold - but I swear it's true. So, I guess I will have to come back and read this entry when I get all whiney and teary-eyed about not being able to eat whatever the heck I want to eat at the time. Every minute of suffering is all for the best cause - ME. Still 40 and 346.5 lbs... for now. I wonder if the world is ready for a fully functioning, fully Babe-Aware Irene? I guess we'll find out....:devious

January 25, 2006

2

2/02/06 - Counting Down

OK - it's REAL now. Only 5 days to go... I guess it's good that work has been crazed, my SIL and her DH have arrived and I have DH's Cousin staying at my house. I just don't have time to freak out. :omg: I have eaten more raw veggies in the last 5 days than I have in the previous 5 months... mmmmm. veggies.... :nervous Sadly, I can't eat them bathed in dip the way I always have - but I did make some "diet" dip with Lipton Garlic & Herb packet + FF sour cream + low fat feta cheese. I threw in a big globby spoonful of light mayo for that tangy/creamy thing. The cheese needs to be blended in - but Feta makes a really strong flavor - which means you feel just as happy with half the dip. It has relatively lots of carbs - like 50 carbs to a batch - but I spread the batch out over 3 days, so I think it's all right. I must be doing something right. There are these strange divets on my face - nay, hollows - and my spare chin is almost gone. Besides, the fat cells are visibly escaping through the pores on my chin. great...:cry This not having a scale thing is starting to be irritating. I want to KNOW that I am losing... is that wrong? :nanahump: But Walmart has failed me... I went to the new Walmart near my job - and they did not have any bathroom scales. Not just that they didn't have one that would take my maximum density - they didn't have ANY. I guess that I am still undecided on the scale business, since part of me thinks that they may have saved me from myself... scale obsession can be tragic. I actually took my measurements yesterday. It was horrifying. It's bad enough to weigh 346 lbs - but dang! to know that my ass is as big around as I am tall is just disgusting. I so want to get on with the surgery so I can start to be rid of this huge bulk. I guess I had better start working on the financing for the PS now... There is just only so much shrinking of skin that any rational person can expect. *sigh* I am thinking full body make-over... Gosh - are they still doing that Swan show? Maybe that... It is getting difficult to wait for Monday. I am horrid at waiting, and the closer I get to the actual day of surgery, the more I want it to be RIGHT NOW. Is it Monday, yet?!?!?

February 3, 2006

2

2/06/06 - Happy Band Day To Me!

Well, at last. The surgery is a done deal. And to my intense gratification, I never felt a moment of embarrassment due to any of the staff at the Surgery Center of Richardson. I felt quite at ease - and at 7am - there just weren't that many spectators - just the lovely staff. Apparently, it is a miracle that my liver hasn't just given up the goat and stopped functioning. According to Doctor Fox, even after losing 15 lbs on the pre-op diet, my liver was still big, fatty and misshapen. (uh - yeah, just like the rest of me!) So, now, I can move on with the rest of my life as a banded person. Personal goal: NO PB's!!! I am sipping some lovely beef consume as I type and I am vowing to myself to do the best I posssibly can to follow the post-op diet to the letter. I can live for 4 days on protein shakes and beef broth, no matter what my brain says. I mean, my BRAIN said I needed a cheeseburger on the way home from the surgery. I can see we are going to have to have some words, my brain and I. After that, I gradually move into what I would call mushies - but Doc Fox calls "full liquids". I think sugar free pudding and yogurt qualify as mushies...By day 8, I can have mashed potatoes, cream of wheat and bananas. By day 13, I can start with scrambled eggs and baked potatoes. I can survive this, really I can. All I have to do is totally avoid tv or any advertizing for the first week. The Spirometer is a big old pain - but I guess I will do that, too. I don't want any collapsed lungs or diaphram issues. Well, I have to get up and walk, now... Sip a little, Walk a little Sip a little, Walk a little SIP SIP SIP Walk a lot, Sip a little more...

February 7, 2006

2

Exercise, Exercise, Excercise...

Ok. I say this every time I fall off the exercise wagon - but seriously - why do I fight it? After arguing with myself and spending all of March in a couch-potato stupor, I finally dragged my butt to the gym last night. Aside from a few minutes of lung burn - to be expected after well over 30 days with no body movement - I was just fine. By the time I was done with 20 minutes on the elliptical and 15 minutes on the bike, I had a great sense of accomplishment and I felt physically good, too. To top it off, I get to watch TV that I secretly enjoy - like American Idol or Are You As Smart as a Fifth Grader... Stuff I never watch at home. So, why the heck to I fight going? It seems like I have to force myself. I only succeeded in getting myself to go last night because I did yard work on Sunday - and my thighs were STILL SORE from bending over on Wednesday. That's just sad.... so I figured I would try to offset the back-of-thigh sore/tightness with top-of-thigh work. I ran that bike at level 10... until my knee started screaming and then I backed down to level 7. The point is, that 1) I don't mind doing the exercise while I am doing it. 2) I get a great feeling of having done a good thing for myself and my health. 3) I don't feel badly after am done... So WHY, by all that is holy, do I resist this wonderful miraculous activity from which so many good things come? This is a mystery that I am going to have to continue to ponder. Maybe while I am on the elliptical machine tonight... :clap2: I mean, the scale is still creeping downward. Today, my scale said 282 - if you add the 4 pounds to adjust to an approximation of my doc's scale - that puts me at 286. Eating less is wonderful - but exercise makes all the difference. I really want to WOW my doc when I see him again at the beginning of May...Plus, every pound I lose is pretty much a pound gone forever. So every pound I lose is one less I have to lose tomorrow.... May as well get as many of them out of the way as quickly as possible. Exercise is the way. On other life fronts - Sick DH is fully recovered and fully functioning again. He was even planning to foray out of the house to get groceries. Thank goodness! I was getting pretty tired of having to do all the home stuff in addition to working. The fridge parts have arrived and we have scheduled the visit for the repairman to put them in. Now all we have to do is empty & defrost the freezer - or go buy a back-up freezer. We have been talking about that for a while, anyway. I took a dry-run at the skills test for teachers. Reading - 90%. Writing - 95%. Math..... 64.5% *BUZZZZZZZ* Guess it's back to the Algebra books... I guess you just forget some stuff in 22 yrs. NSV de jour: I wore a shirt that my sister gave me yesterday. It was a 4x with no stretch, no a-line, no nothing. Now - size 4x doesn't sound like much of an NSV - but when you consider the size variations and the fact that prior to banding I was wearing the largest possible 5x made with stretchy knit - and they were getting a little clingy... a small 4x made of cotton - that is an accomplishment. I think I am going to have to go home and take my measurements....

April 5, 2007

1

4/03/06 - Back on Plan

Well, another exotic month has passed and my total weightloss as of today is 7 lbs since surgery. This is not an overly exciting amount - but I guess it's better than a kick in the head. :guess I took measurements again - and I am still losing around my middle. I am bummed because I haven't lost any on the thighs or arms - but I can't complain about belly & back fat loss. Still no success at getting back on plan with exercise - but today I am back on plan with low carb eating. Sunday I boiled up a big ol' pot of chicken breasts and I had a lovely chicken breast with some Caesar dressing for lunch today. Rusty has salad fixins and veggies for dipping at home. All I have to do now is make myself do it for the rest of the day - and then the rest of the week. I lost so much (16 lbs in 10 days!) pre-op doing this that I have high hopes for success. :clap2: I have read back over my previous posts - and it is pretty clear that I have lost a little enthusiasm for the whole process. I didn't even make it thru TWO DAYS of dedication, much less the two months that has been my prior standard. I am not sure if this is a good sign or a bad sign. :girl_hug: I mean, not being able to maintain an eating plan for even two days is pretty lame - but on the other hand, my prior efforts were in vain, so maybe it's a good thing. Since I have started with a very different mind-set for a long-term approach, I am not overly worried about it. 7 lbs since Feb 6. That's just short of 2 full months. It's not quite a pound a week - but it's close. Considering that I have eaten EVERYTHING - basically like a normal person on vacation - I guess having lost anything at all is a flipping miracle. Maybe this change in my normal Diet concept means that I will have a change in outcome as well. I so want to succeed - but I seriously can't imagine being anything other than fat. I have never been anything other than - so it would be a completely new life experience. :cross-eye So, I am going low-carb to see if I can knock another 10 lbs or so off the total. It seems like I have lost weight in spurts - a big drop followed by weeks of maintenance. I think my body just needs a few days to adjust to the change. So long as the measurements keep showing progress, I am going to be happy - even if the scale says nothing has changed. :doh: Now, about that exercise..... well, one thing at a time!

April 3, 2006

1

Two Weeks+ Post Op - 2/24/06

Well, I must have been the luckiest bandster ever, or the doc just managed to deaden some nerve in my tummy - because I have had so little pain that it hardly bears mentioning. The gas has been present - occassonally a little pressure, but not painful or problematic. I have been reading about new bandsters with pain for a long time and I was quite surprised NOT to be one of them. I am generally such a wuss!:knockedou I went on Tuesday (2/21) to my two week post-op visit with Doctor Fox. While I haven't lost any weight officially, I know that my measurements are still catching up to the 16 pounds I lost on the pre-op diet. My clothes fit again - and my face is visibly thinner. I forgot about that pointy chin I have... While this makes me happy, I still need to get up and get back to the gym. Work has been so crazed lately that I have been very bad - I haven't been to the gym since prior to surgery! This weekend - it's the Treadmill or Bust. I have not been very compliant on the food side, either... I started eating things consistently a day or two prior to when the doc's diet said I could... Bad me. I have currently eaten everything except steak - including bread. I had a fish sandwich for lunch. I have the Vanguard band - and while I have some limited restriction during the day, I have little or none at night. So far, though, this has not distressed me too much. I am practising my chewing skills. Knowing how much I have to concentrate on this act, now, I guess I spent the last 40 years swallowing my food practically whole. Considering how fast I used to eat, that's not impossible. :yuck: I have to guard against getting hungry - since that is when it is very difficult for me to get the food fully ground up before swallowing. There have been several times when I knew that some not-quite-well-chewed bit got past me - and I was waiting for the pain - but it never came. The big band means that the food is pretty much just Pausing - and then moving right by. So far, I haven't had any major portion control issues - maybe just slowing down is enough that the stop signal gets hit. I am on the fence about getting a fill. My doc says I can have one after my one month visit on the 7th - but I am afraid. I mean, geez... I have no pain and I can eat anything I want if I chew it well. My bathroom scale said I was down a couple of pounds today - so do I really want one? But, on the other hand - I have already said that the food is only pausing - the big band is mostly worthless without a fill... and the danger of being able to eat anything is that I will eat everything. No restriction is too much temptation. I think I will have to get a small fill - whether I want to or not. I got this surgery for a reason, and no matter how nice it is to be spoiled, I better take the next step. *fear* I hate pain and I don't want any PB's!!! I really am in this for the long haul, though. I don't want to lose weight so fast that my whole body sags and I get that big wattle under my chin. I am doing what I can to stave off the panni problem - I wear a girdle 24/7. A comfy one to sleep in and a tougher one during the day. I started wearing it about 2 days after surgery. My belly flopping around was way more uncomfortable than wearing the girdle! I wish I had started doing it 10 yrs ago when the panni first started to hang!! I know I will have to have PS if I ever want to have a flat belly. It's just a fact. I am wearing a sports bra to lounge and sleep in, too. I don't want the girls getting bruised on my knees!! It's an adjustment to sleep with garments on - but I guess it will be nicer if I ever have to run from a fire in the night or anything. LOL! Thank goodness for Bestform. They make a lovely cotton-spandex sports bra that slips on over your head in big-girl sizes. No tags, no hooks, just soft support. Again, I should have started sleeping in one when I was 14. Oh well... I will never mess with the girls - not even if I have to roll them up to get dressed in the morning.... So far, this thing is working... I have evolved a little bit now that I have the official ok to eat real food. I was eating yogurt & cheese and soft things all day at work and then eating a little bit of whatever DH cooked for dinner. These last couple of days I have just been drinking my breakfast shake (min. 40 grams of protein + vitamins & calcium) and eating some small thing for lunch. Yesterday, I had a cup of Chili. Today I had the fish sandwich. I am pretty sure that my calories have gone DOWN by doing this... I was parcelling out about 800-900 calories worth of protein shake, SF pudding, cheese, yogurt, etc and just nibbling all day long - which was GREAT for keeping me from getting hungry - but with just the shake and one thing for lunch, I am probably at 700-800 calories instead - depending on the day and the phase of the moon. But DANG - you could eat a lot of stuff, if everything comes in under 70 calories! I think that I will never properly count calories - I mean, I hate that crap - but I need to keep in mind what the calorie counts on my food are. I imagine after my fill, everything will evolve again - which is fine, too. Ruts are bad. I don't ever want my body to "get used" to anything, except for exercise! I think I will have to boil myself up some chicken breasts and do like I used to do when I did Atkins - low carb during the week, anything on Saturday. Maybe banded, I can carb on Sundays, too. It's hard being pure around my beloved. But, I do lots better when I don't have to worry that I have the right foods. Chicken & cheese sticks with dipping sauce were a staple during the Atkins days. I just need to make them up again. If the food is here, and easy access, I will eat it... most of the time. I also know that, even with no fill, exercise would make the difference. It takes A LOT of calories to move my beautiful bulk... Now, if I could just get work under control again, so that I could consistently get to the gym, life would be good. The biggest problem is that before I was banded, I would work until 7 - get home at 8 - run to the gym, come home and eat at 9:30 or 10:00. That won't fly any more. Not only will I drop from low blood sugar; but I have to eat before 9 so I can go horizontal without a pouch full of food. I *might* have to try going *GASP* in the morning before work. (ICK!!! Did I just type that?!?) I am going to have to do SOMETHING - cause I have to get to the gym at least 3 times a week - and there are only two days in the weekend! LOL. Maybe a snack in the late afternoon and coming in a wee bit earlier to work. Hmmm. A little earlier to work seems easier to accomplish than actually working OUT before work - and the whole showering in public thing has never really worked for me. Yeah, that's the ticket. If I get in earlier, SUPPOSEDLY I can leave earlier. We'll see how that goes. I got here just after nine today. For me, that was early - by almost an hour! If you are not me, and you have read through all this blather, I love you too. I figure you must love me to read through all this personal sorting out. Hope you are having a great day, and that something more exciting than this entry happens to you, soon. (in a good way.) :]

February 24, 2006

1

Ye Old Weekend

I have decided that more journalling might help me keep my butt on track. I get gold stars for going to the gym again, last night. DH is still not coming with - but he has promised to make an attempt this weekend. Seeing me go without him is guilting him out a bit. This weekend promises to be a busy one. Scarborough Faire starts on Saturday and I am all excited about it. It would be nicer if the weather was a tad warmer - but hey - it will still be fun. NSV - I now fit into the bodices that they sell at Scarborough Faire... and I plan to buy one! While I made a chemise and skirt for Halloween, (Gypsy costume) I never have gotten around to making myself the bodice I need for the faire, so I think I may just buy the first one and maybe use it as a model for any future attempts. DH's costume is still just a spark in my sewing machine. We have had other things to do... So, for this first trip out, we are going in street clothes. Maybe I will find a shirt for him when we go. Heck - maybe I will visit the Queen's Corsetier this year, too. They have big-girl sizes... and I am so happy to be getting back to the point where at least I can shop at more than one store! :biggrin1: This weekend, we also need to get a freezer so we can empty the one in the fridge without destroying all our food. Although, it is good that we have been digging around in there - cause we had some great stuff buried! Having an extra freezer will be great. We also have to do a bunch of shopping for basic staples. We are out of flavored water and other stuff - so a trip to Sam's is in order. I am thinking we will have to shop on Saturday and Scarborough on Sunday. Since Sunday is Easter, most stores will actually be closed, I think. Plus, the sky is supposed to open up tomorrow - and DH really doesn't need to be hanging out in the rain after his recent illness. Well, let's see. I need to give myself a pep talk for the weekend. 1) exercise - see yesterday's journal entry. You LIKE this stuff. Go to the gym. 2) food - no pouch packing! You have formal permission to eat one good thing each day - but NO pouch packing, no matter how great it is. If nothing else, I will get some exercise walking at the stores. Yeah! So, I am off! My office has *cough* generously allowed us to take a half day off - if we use vacation time. I guess I can't complain. They are paying me to surf LBT these days.... TGIF

April 6, 2007

1

1-29-06 More preparations

So, I am sitting here looking at my chewable aspirin, my chewable calcium supplements, my chewable Gas-X and my Benefiber. I went shopping yesterday for some of the things I know I will need. I am currently a functioning Carb Nazi - I stive to erradicate carbs from the face of the earth. So far, I am doing well on that - but having just a smidge of trouble with the fat thing. South Beach is harder for me than Atkins was. On Atkins, I would eat all the cheese I wanted. I was good a finding delicious low-carb cheese that I could eat plenty of and stay within my 20 gram carb limit. This fat monitoring business is a pain the ass. I can live without sour cream. I can live with less Mayo (I mean if you can't make sandwiches, it has limited usage, doesn't it?) but the cheese thing is rough. So I am already breaking the diet... sort of. I guess I am doing Atkins instead of South Beach. SB allows Beans and stuff - It's way more complicated than Atkins. You have to think about it too much - so I just won't, I guess. I will just do a lower fat version of Atkins - Ketosis is ok, for right now. I mean, the point is to get the liver to suck all the fat out of itsself, right? After the surgery, I will eat "normally" again eventually - and ketosis can't be any harder on my liver than anything else I have done to it, over the years of eating every rich creamy delicious thing that brought me to weigh well over 300 lbs... Can you say "Total lack of self control?" Sure y' can... DH surprised me yesterday. We were talking about him studying the doc's info so he could prepare appropriate meals and he said maybe if he were going to get the surgery, he would read up on the stuff. In one sense, it just means his ass is too lazy to read the stuff, (he wants me to just tell him what to cook) but in another sense, it means that somewhere in the depths of his psyche - he has actually considered doing it. That is good news. DH also tops 300 lbs - and although he is much taller than me - and weighs LESS - he is still MO and Diabetic. I am hoping that if I do well and have few complications, he might actually consider it in his conscious mind. He is ten years older than me - and I worry about him almost as much as I have worried about myself. How cool would it be if the surgery did for his Diabetes what it has done for others. I guess I will just have to be a model bandster, a rabbit, and make it look easy while I am doing it. (um, yeah. sure. whatever.):paranoid I am in that Obsession phase of my weight loss journey. That's good. But that is also a standard pattern for me. Here's the pattern: 1) Irene freaks out about being MO and decides it's time to finally do something (for about the 50th time - but we won't go into that now). 2) Irene finds the diet du-jour and begins to follow it with fervor - the model, nay the very icon of the plan (whatever it is). Obsessing over every calorie, carb and fat gram, exercising, and actually losing weight. 3) After two-three months (MAX) Irene get's bored? Gets tired? Get's afraid of being thin? I still don't know exactly what it is that causes it - but that is when I start to lose it. Maybe that's when my natural OCD tendencies have just run their course? It just seems like so much WORK to keep it up. Of course, that's usually when the weight loss slows down - so maybe it's a reward issue. Once the rate of weightloss gets dramatically lower, what is the pay-off for all this work? Hmmm. My hope is that with the band - this cycle will be changed. Well, it will practically have to change. My own fervor will carry me through the liquid phase and all the healing. By the time I start to get discouraged, it should be time for my fills to begin - and Doctor Fox seems like he won't be shy about giving them. Besides - I won't be able to eat the volumes that I have eaten with the band. It's not like I will be able to suck down half a pizza in a sitting. (Like I can EASILY do now...) Besides I will have all the LBT folk to keep me sane. I really will have NO excuse for becoming a drama queen about all this stuff. I have absorbed a whole boatload of info over the last several months. I know I will suffer some post op depression, I know that I will have food mourning issues, I know all that stuff - But I suppose knowing it won't make it any easier. :rolleyes Of course, my biggest fear is that I will slip or erode or something. I guess it's just the luck of the draw on that stuff. I am going to have to just suck it up and count on the Luck o' the Irene that has carried me this far. Good Karma pays off. I guess I had better get out there and spread some more good vibes. I will need them back, say in about 3 months! 8 days to lift off.....

January 29, 2006

1

3/08/06 - One month and counting...

Well, if there was any lingering doubt about my need for a fill, it has vanished. My weight at my one-month follow-up visit was - gasp - the very same as it was on the day of surgery! Uh - yeah. Not so good. Of course, I have been eating everything in sight - so I guess that might explain it...I suppose I just have to do everything back-assward, since it seems that I have last supper syndrome, AFTER the surgery. But, such is life. I have my fill scheduled for the 21st - right after I get back from NY and another follow-up with Doc Fox in Mid-April to see how that whole fill thing is working out. I guess I will just go on as I have been until I get my fill and start all over. The Doc says that I should probably just schedule the 2nd fill for 3 wks after the first one. Maybe I will just sched. for the very same morning I go for the follow-up. Might as well get it all done at once... I am still out of control at work, and so far, the concept of coming in earlier has failed miserably. So, I have been to the gym a few times - but not nearly enough. It seems that DH is flaking out on that, too. He hasn't even harassed me about it in a week. Not good. We both need to go. The only light in the tunnel is that I took my official measurements. An inch here, and inch there - half an inch on an extremity or two. The biggest size difference was the chest measure - apparently, I have lost 3 inches of ugly fat off the rolls on my back. That is awesome. I am still keeping all the floppy bits bound up - which is fine, except that it means sex must be planned in advance. It's hard to feel sexy in a cotton sports bra and a girdle.... and access to all the parts is limited unless I strip down. I guess we are just going to have to schedule that event. Well - I have to get back to the insanity that is my job. Apparently, a file sitting on my desk for more than 2 hours constitutes "backed up". (Even though 24 hour turn time is standard). Well. Such a cheery entry. I am going to have to work on an attitude adjustment. This might assist in the whole weightloss concept.

March 8, 2006

1

Sigh Stress Sucks

Stress has one effect on me - it makes me not give one little damn about losing weight, or exercise, or anything. I went on-line today, looking for a job. It was pretty depressing. Anything that I have a snow-ball's chance of qualifying for pays literally half of my mortgage salary. Any mortgage jobs have already been filled by people from the companies that have closed - so I am currently a surplus individual, in more than just my pants size. I have to make a choice, now. Do I starve all summer and take the crash-course for Teacher Certification and work in a High Need school (If I get accepted to the program!) or do I take the sane, longer way and have some say in the choice of schools? The problem is that the sane longer way means I have to take one of those half-pay full-time jobs and just go broke more slowly. But, at least I would have health insurance that way. I am torn. Looking at the jobs availabe out there, I am thinking the sooner I can be certified to get at least a Teacher's salary, the better - but going until September with no health insurance is scary and dangerous. No telling if DH can get a job in TX at all - much less whether he can get one after being off work for 5 yrs... They will think he has been in jail or something! Plus, he will get all pissy if he has to go back to work... But, if he could work for 6 mos while I did the crash-course, he could retire again quicker... DANG I don't know what to do. So, clearly, my eating and exercise habits are not my main concern at the moment - which makes for less than stellar decisions on my part. Thankfully, the scale is holding at 287 or so - except that it is tweaking and I don't know if the number on it can be trusted at all. Grrr. I have to get back to the gym, at least. It appears that after next week, I won't have "lack of time" as an excuse... *sigh*.

April 12, 2007

1

02/03/06 - I'm feelin' it...

Ok - it's late Friday. I have cleared my desk and put up the obligatory "out of office" messages. Now the surgery looms large... I was thinking the other day - my biggest anxiety ISN'T that my doctor is going to poke holes in me and put a foreign object into my abdomen. My BIGGEST anxiety is that strangers are going to see my naked, flabby, icky, horrid belly!! How twisted is that. :nanahump: I am paranoid that my fat belly is in some way remarkable or unique and that the surgeon and staff will recoil in horror upon the unveiling of the beast... Yep, I am insane. :madgrin: Worried about dying under anesthesia? Hell no. Worried about embarrassment!! :nanahump: Nobody but DH has seen my belly in 16-17 yrs. I guess I will just have to suck it up - and suck it in... at least until the knock-out drops take effect! I had a mad Twinkie craving today. I had brought some "delicious" soy cheese substitute in and the package was sitting on my desk - and somewhere out of the corner of my psyche, I thought I saw Twinkies on my desk - and I WANTED them... for about an hour afterward. I haven't had a Twinkie in at least a YEAR. I smacked myself around on that one. Must be more stress involved in this whole surgery thing than I thought - if is causing insane carb thoughts to pass through my mind. The other indicator that I am subliminating stress is that I have a visit from every woman's favorite aunt... Oh Joy. No period for months - sometimes even years - but the B*#%! shows up now. GREAT. Wasn't I already freaked out about embarrassment?!? Personally, I feel that baring my naked belly is more than sufficient to insure my enduring mortification - but apparently, the gods want some further amusement at my expense. I wonder if I will be able to laugh at all this later. I am thinking NOT! My conscious mind is relatively placid. No tears, no shakey hands - but apparently I am REALLY stressed out. Great. Now I am a bonafide drama queen. :drama:

February 4, 2006

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04/25/06 - Seconds, Please... and Thank You.

Naw - not Second Helpings - a Second Fill! I asked the friendly folks at SCOR to crank that baby tight - and I think they have. I made a point to ask about how much fill I have - a total of 4.6cc's in my Vanguard Band. That's a bit less than half full. So far, it seems that the restriction is holding. I went in on the 20th - so this is day five. Again, I have just the right restriction. I can eat everything that I have tried - but am not compelled to eat a TON. I am staying full between meals - for at least 4 hours - and if I WANT to eat more - well, I can... or I cannot. It's up to me. If I can keep this level of restriction forever, I will be happy. The control is all in my hands. All I have to do is chew and take it slow - which gives me time to think about what I am eating, and why. No PB's to date - but I can sometimes feel the bites go down. Not exactly a golfball - no slime or anything - but maybe a Pre-golfball. Just a reminder to chew, chew, chew - and then chew some more. I went to Catherines this weekend just to try on clothes - I was a little disappointed that the clothes still look as crappy as before - but I guess that I will have to lose another 50 lbs or so before I can really see a dramatic difference in the clothes. It doesn't help that the bulk of the fat is centered - hanging on my belly, butt & thighs. It's pretty hard to buy shirts when the top fits fine - but the bottom part is sucked up tight to your belly. *sigh* On the brighter side - a few more things could be scrunched on - in size 28 vs 32/34 - and given a little more time & weightloss, I will be able to have more choices in what to try on and whether I want to go a size up or a size down. My first Mini-goal is to be under 300 lbs. My lowest scale weight at home has been 316 so far - and I puff up every time I go to NY (every month!) so the weight chart would look something like a roller coaster on an overal downward track. Day before last trip: 316. Weight upon return: 325. Yeah. I don't think I gained almost two pounds a day over a five day trip. But then it takes about a week for the puffies to go away. Great. But, I know that I can still be losing fat without losing weight - so I keep on plan while the swelling goes down. One leg is still puffy (LOVE the Venous Stasis - NOT) but the scale is teetering between 316-317 today - so I am hoping for the continuance of the downward trend. I am trying to hit that 299 mini-goal prior to my next trip in May. My second mini-goal is to be able to shop at Lane Bryant and Torrid and all those other really awesome stores for Fat Chicks that top out at size 26/28. I have been banished from those stores for a long time - and I am ready to go back. I want to get one of those sexy corsets. The size tops out at 24 on those - so I guess I will call this a Third Mini-Goal. ESPECIALLY since that 24 has to be true of the PANTS size, too. Of course, I am looking forward to not having to ask for a seatbelt extender on the plane... I am only 5-6 inches from that now. I don't know where that will fall into the ranks - but it's definitely one of the short term goals. One of the things I am doing NOW for myself is not waiting to put together a costume for the Scarborough Faire. I thought I would wait until I could fit into one of those cool & groovy bodices that they sell - but I have decided that waiting sucks. I want to be able to Play this year - vs next. Since they don't MAKE bodice patterns in a size 30 - I went to the store and got one in a size 20. Then I looked through the pattern books for fat-girl patterns with similar shapes. *I found one that is almost exactly the bodice shape - just not laced up the front/sides. I can modify for that by studying the pattern pieces for the size 20 and adjusting the size 30 pattern to make it work. PLUS - the pattern for the top also comes with a skirt pattern that works, too. Woo Hoo! So, that is my "Fun for me" project over the next couple of weeks. Now all I have to do is figure out how to put the bones in - and what to use for bones! I guess I can go back to the fabric store for those. Thank goodness for Joanne Fabrics! Well, let's see. Exercise - nope. Not happening right now... but I am trying to do more moving around type shopping and stuff. Diet - Low Carb - high protein. Doing pretty well, except when I travel. Weekends - I have been allowing myself some carbs - during the week, I am a Carb Nazi. Water - not getting enough over the last several days. I had gotten so good about slugging back that litre in the car every day - and I have not done very well with it since my fill. I think it has to do with how much/how quickly I am able to drink. I am going to have to drink more in the car. It was a good habit. Vitamins - Taking a multi + calcium. Thank God I am almost done with the nasty Viactiv waxy horrid vitamins. Give me those chalky childrens vitamins any day. Thank goodness I didn't get Viactive Calcium supplements, too. I use the Caltrate - chalky chewables - to scrape the waxy vitamin residue out of my mouth. My PCP says I need extra B vitamins due to my meds - but I haven't been taking any. I guess the multi has enough, since my last bloodwork said I was fine. Official weight: 325 (3/20 - last visit to Surgery Center of Richardson) Unofficial Weight: 316 - my scale - this morning. (my scale about 2 lbs low from SCOR or Dr. Fox's scale) The official weight was artificially high due to still puffy from flying on Friday April 14. Two days earlier - my band doc weighed me in at 327. I have made a point to schedule my next visit with him for the very first day of the month of June. That way I will have had at least a week to recover from any trips to the NY office. Well - work is calling. I haven't managed to win the lottery, yet - so I guess I had better get back on task.

April 25, 2006

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I am a horrid journaler...

Yeah. Ok. I suck at journals. It has been AGES since I made an entry - but since have passed my first year, I thought I would make some observations and mark some of the things I have learned: 1) I am incredibly spoiled and lazy. The urge to continue on letting my band do all the work is strong - but my inclination to immediate gratification is leading me toward a better path. Exercise will have to be more frequent and desserts will have to be more infrequent... The same old crap I have been hearing since birth... but for the last few weeks, the scale has been rewarding me for good behavior. I can't knock it if it's working. Between February 6, 2006 and my annual appt on Feb 6, 2007, I went from 331 to 295 - a loss of 36 pounds. Since my annual follow-up in 2007 - I have lost another 5 pounds. My unofficial weight this morning - 290. 2) I used to eat a HECK of a lot of food... I had somehow convinced myself that I wasn't eating much more than your average joe - but I know now that I was. I had no concept of what a portion size ought to be... and really, I am still struggling with that - but I am getting closer. It has taken over a year - but my eyes/head are finally starting to sync up with my band. Now, I only think my portion should be twice as big as needed... LOL! I find that if I plate up HALF of what I think the portion should be, I am satisfied and don't need to eat more. 3) I am starting to recognize the point at which I should just set my fork down and stop eating. Now, this doesn't mean that I actually DO stop all the time (Damned Pizza!) but at least I can tell when I should. At this moment, restriction is not such that I am forced to stop, or that I have pain or anything like that if I eat past the satiation point - but I am hoping for a more punative effect with my next fill. I am not very disciplined. (see #1 - spoiled and lazy) 4) Exercise is really not optional. If I don't go to the gym, I don't lose weight - or at least not much - even if I am trying to "diet". For me, eating perfectly is much less important that hitting the gym for 30 minutes at least 4 times a week. 5) I need to figure out how to eat more Band Effectively in restaurants. I travel for a week every month - so I spend the week of travel eating like a huge monster pig - and the following week (or TWO) getting back to where I had been before the trip. That means that AT BEST, I am only working toward goal for two weeks of the month - and I don't really do well on the weekends - so that means about 10 days a month of active dieting. It's not exactly shocking that my loss has been slow. If you factor my loss into 120 days instead of 365 - it makes total sense. I lost about a 3rd of a pound for every day of active dieting in my first year - very much what my docs told me to expect - a 3rd of a pound a day, or about 2 pounds a week. I guess that is about all that I have learned so far. I know I still have a great deal of learning to do. I also have a great deal of work to do yet. At a third of a pound per day, I still need to do 375 active dieting days to get near to goal. But my goal has actually changed a bit. My doc referred me to the "Aftercare" program at AIGB. The gal there measured my body fat on her little magic zinger scale and found that I have a body fat percentage a bit over 56%. (ICK) According to her calculations, I need to lose another 125 pounds. I was thinking 140 lbs - but if my lean mass is anywhere close to what she calculates, I would be beyond skinny with only like 5% body fat or something like that. I am never going there. So, my new goal is to weigh 168 lbs - and as ever, I will be happy with anything under 200. My true goal is to wear a size 14, or *gasp* maybe even a size 12. It doesn't sound very ambitious - but I haven't worn anything from a "normal" store since I was 18 yrs old. For now, that's the most that I can imagine. We'll see how it goes when I get there. The other part of the After Care program was exactly what you would expect - grilling on my daily & life habits with some gentle persuasion to reform. I guess it was more a way for me to focus in on what I need to do. If it keeps me from totally losing control - then it's worth taking one afternoon a month off. Besides, I had pretty much already come to the conclusion that reform was necessary to satisfy my Immediate Gratification urge. I am ready to work the band, again. NSV's: 1) Airplane travel without extenders - not always - but sometimes. 2) Wearing clothes that have been hanging in my closet for months or years cause I loved them, but they were too small. 3) Walking without pain & with no trace of the fat lady waddle. No longer uncomfortable or afraid to swing my hips and walk like a girl. 4) Fitting into chairs - mostly. I still hit the side of the chairs at the theater - but at least it doesn't HURT anymore. 5) Not choked by my seatbelt anymore. I can actually pull a good foot of excess belt away from my body! So, after a year + 23 days - that's all I know. Onward! Maybe I will journal again a little sooner. We'll have to see how that goes, too.

March 1, 2007

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Counting Down...

Today is Tuesday. By Thursday, we are supposed to hear the news.... No one is working - there is no work to do. We are pretty much hanging out and listening to the radio, reading, playing games, or studying (me). Everyone is depressed.... Except for one co-worker had a job interview yesterday. He came in all suited up in a tie. No one was surprised, and I hope he gets the job. It sucks to KNOW that you are going to be unemployed and not be able to do anything about it. I guess I should surf for jobs - just to see if there are any worth pursuing - but I am not holding out much hope. I applied for the crash-course teacher training yesterday. I KNOW that if I were willing to go with Special Ed, I could get in, for sure. But, English & Language Arts are more "me". I just don't know if I have quite enough love for Special Ed. It takes a bloody saint to do that - and I am NO saint. My Spanish classes start on May 7th. This is a good thing. Being truly fluent in Spanish again will make me that much more marketable, no matter what I teach. If I get fluent enough, I can do Bilingual Ed - which would make me employable until I die. I will have plenty of time to study... at least until I get another job. It appears severance will pay my salary thru June - which means that I have at least that long to look. All I can say is THANK GOD I have that long... it may very well take every minute of that time to find something suitable. That assumes that I don't get accepted to the crash-course. If I do get accepted, I will have to decide what to do.... I am very glad that I got my band when I did. It will be that much easier to find a job since I lost some weight. It seemed like every pound off has made people react that much better to me. It's amazing. Now that I have cheekbones and only one chin, people can see me again. For a while, I was the elephant in the corner.... nobody wanted to notice or talk to me. Now, apparently, I am down to mere hippo size and much less threatening... :heh: Anyway - only two more days of sitting here killing time. I made DH swear we would go to the gym tonight. We both need to get into the habit and right now, I need his help to force myself to do anything....Thank God for my husband. I would surely have completely fallen apart by now if it weren't for his constant love and appreciation. Even at my fattest, he still told me I was "hot" and sexy. And even when things seem the most chaotic, he is my anchor. Marrying him was the smartest thing I have ever done, I think. The band was the 2nd smartest... Cause even through all this, I am not gaining pound after pound. The last time I was unemployed, I gained 30 pounds in five months. I am so glad that won't be happening this time. I may not be losing anything - but at least I am not ballooning upward. So, that's where my head is today. I just got a line on a mortgage company desperate for people with A-Paper experience - so maybe I will do what I have usually done in the past and get another job right away. A couple of months of double salary would be pretty nice... Fingers crossed.....

April 17, 2007

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2/08/06 - And So It Begins...

Yep, I have already "cheated" on the clear liquid diet. I blended some FF Refried Beans with a half a can of mild enchilada sauce. It was about the consistency of a thick gravy - and it tasted like heaven and felt like REAL FOOD. So, I guess following "to the letter" is out the window. The good news is that I am learning some stuff from eating this quasi-real-food. 1) Getting hungry is very bad. I waited something like 6-8 hours before I ate my liquid beans. I ended up eating like a whole cup of them - not kosher. 2) I have "new band" restriction. I could tell about when I was supposed to stop - I got that burpy thing that I have seen folks post about. I didn't stop eating, though... Nope. Hungry is BAD. Fortunately, the beans were properly liquid, so I just had to burp and wait a minute and I could take another spoonful without pain. [uh, I am afraid they call that "eating around the band" but I really hadn't had any food to speak of today, so I did it on purpose.] 3) see item 1. Hungry is VERY BAD. My personal goal of No PB's will be right out the window if I don't stop eating when I get the signal. So now I know that I have to portion out the food BEFORE I start eating. If it isn't there in front of me, I will be too damned lazy to get up and get more, unless I am really and truly hungry. Oh well. It isn't like I am anywhere near a "normal" calorie count and my body won't have to work too hard to digest liquid beans, so I am not going to beat myself up about it. It's just interesting that I am only like 2 days in and I am already "cheating". Maybe I should have that discussion with my Brain, right away. Overall, I feel much much better today. Lots less pain (yeah, the 2nd day after the Anesthesia wore off, I had pain) and many more hours of consciousness. I wasn't QUITE up to a trip to IKEA, yet. Tomorrow, I promised DH we could go for a short trip tomorrow. I am supposed to be walking more... and there will be much less traffic there if we go during the week. If I feel even a little bit better tomorrow, it should be fine. Truth be told, I could have done it today. I just didn't want to. Well, I am going to go burp in a different room, now. urp. giggles!

February 9, 2006

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Another month, another 3 pounds....

Well, I am back to make another entry. I had another "Aftercare" visit yesterday. My Official weight as of yesterday (per doc's scale = official) was 289. My last official weight 1 month prior was 293.5 - so I have officially lost 3.5 pounds. My unoffical weight (unofficial = my scale + 4 lb) this morning was 287.5 pounds. Not exactly supermodel fitness - but a damned site better than the original 357 pound that I started at when I first joined LBT. I was pretty gung ho going into March - but I must say that a number of life's little occurances stood between me and my motivation this month. 1) 1 week of vacation. Vacations are always a trap for me. I am out playing - and I don't want to do anything that resembles work... including exercise. Plus - road food leaves something to be desired in the nutrition and fitness category. I would have been ok - cause I had planned to come home and get back on it however.... 2) DH was sick - REALLY sick - with a high fever for 10+ days... First his temp spiked up to about 103 - then he started throwing up and was unable to keep any foods down - then he got delirious from the fever and lack of food... I took days off to take care of him - and because there were only certain things that he would/could take into his system without throwing up, I had to shop a lot. The longer he was sick, the more desperate I was to get some calories into him - which led to less than stellar foods making their way into my kitchen. Plus, the constant worry about him took all my energy. I just didn't care about diet & exercise at all with him so sick. So by the time he was better enough to start taking care of himself - we were already thru week three in March. 3) Job Hell all month. Lay-offs, program changes, uncertain as to whether I would/will have a job in April. Nothing like worrying about your financial future to stress you out. And what does Irene do when she is stressed out? Well, she EATS, of course. And she eats nachos and donuts - not veggies. *sigh* (spoiled, lazy AND weak.) 4) And just for shits and giggles - my refridgerator stopped working 3 days ago (repairman comes today) which meant I had to throw away almost everything in it and clean it so the repairman can fix it. I have been eating take-out for the last few days, and there is this lovely "rotten food" smell in my house... Hopefully the rain will let up so I can hang the doors open and air the place out, soon. 5) Last, but not least, somebody rifled through my car last night while it sat in the driveway. Nothing like walking out to find all your stuff strewn around the inside of your car to start your day off right. Thankfully, either the door was unlocked (maybe?) or they kids who rifled it just happen to have an electronic lock gizmo that works on my car (somewhat worrying). So, they didn't really do much damage - they didn't even take my crappy stereo, although they broke a piece of plastic facing trying to - and there wasn't a damned thing in the car that they wanted. So far as I can tell, nothing is missing except 20 cents from the change slot. So aside from the worry that they do have an electronic gizmo that opens my door locks, it was just a pain in the ass to have to clean up the mess before I could leave for work. I guess I won't be leaving the Hope Diamond in my car overnight any time in the near future. *sigh* So, the trick now is - what the hell do I do with this big ol' pile of stress? I want to curl up into the foetal position and suck down a couple of boxes of chocolate - but I think that might be somewhat counter-productive to both my attempts to retain my job and my attempts to lose weight. I really can't feel too badly about losing 3.5 pounds last month. March has been FAR too much drama for me. Any one of those things would have been too much drama. All of them is practically overwhelming. I am trying to be proactive at work. There isn't any actual WORK to do (can you say "Sub-Prime Mortgage"? - sure you can) but I am working on an alternative career selection as I wait to get laid off with the rest of my co-workers. I go tomorrow for an informational seminar on getting certified to be a Teacher here in Colling County, TX. I have been spending my days at work researching how to go about that, and brushing up on my once-fluent Spanish. I have a degree in Psychology, a minor in English, and plenty of Spanish Language credits on my transcripts. If I can get certified to teach English & Spanish, I should be able to get a job teaching full time. I want to do Math, too - but I don't think I have the credits for it. I would have to go back to school for that. I guess I might have time to do that if I get laid off! *sigh*. I need to be more proactive about exercise, too. The Aftercare gal reminded me that exercise helps with stress control & relief - so I guess I am going to have to get to the gym and hit the elliptical machine. My eating has been sporadic. Some days I eat proper bandster portions, some days I don't. Unfortunately, I have been making some less than stellar food choices. It would be so much less irritating if I didn't KNOW better - but I DO know - and still choose the wrong stuff. How crazy is that? I am going to have to see a counselor of some kind. I really am. I could be so much farther along in my weightloss journey if I didn't sabotage myself at every turn. But stinking counselors cost money - and I am trying to SAVE money right now - just in case I have to live on unemployment... *shudder* I really, really wish that I could regain the motivation I had when I was battling the insurance company. I was so into the whole thing... I went from 357 to 331 on my own prior to surgery, doing low carb and exercising 4 days a week. But it's hard to do the right things when the weight is sliding off anyway. It doesn't go away FAST - but it goes, even if I eat carbs, even when I don't exercise..... So, for now, I will just keep creeping downward... 3-4 pounds per month... It certainly beats creeping upward. I hope things even out, soon. I planned on needing 3 yrs to get to goal... not 10! NSV's **Weird one - I can feel my port for the first time ever. It was too deep under a layer of fat to feel it, before.

March 30, 2007

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3/31/06 - The Fill and the Fury

OK - so no fury - but the fill is a good thing... I went in on the 21st and filled out the paperwork. I asked that I not have to see the needles - so the lovely gals at SCOR covered the tray for me before I went into the room. I hopped up onto the table under the Flouro machine and they located the band with it. I studiously looked away as they gave me the numbing shot, which I could barely feel at all. I kept studiously looking away as they put the fill needle in - first try, no problem. No pain at all. I felt an odd sensation as they put the fill in. Almost impossible to describe - but just a tightening sensation in my chest. They had me drink some lovely barium through a straw from the lying down position and they took a picture of it flowing through the band. Then, they pulled out the needle and sent me out to the waiting room to drink water. I sat out there for a couple of minutes and then I went back to Chat with Mary Ann - the Patient Coordinator. We talked about what I was eating and whether I was exercising while I continued to sip my water. Then I went back out front and finished my drink. Since I had no problems with the water or anything, I went off to work. Restriction is going to be AWESOME. For the first couple of days, I could really feel restriction - and after that, I had a great effect from the fill. I could still eat anything that I wanted to - but the compulsion to eat was gone. For the first several days after I stopped the liquids, I could really tell I had the band. I actually got FULL and had to stop after only a small plate of food! Of course, now, I have just the tiniest amount of restriction. I can eat anything - but if I avoid dining out at restaurants and eat what my DH cooks for me, then I still don't have TOO much trouble stopping. I think the 2nd fill I have scheduled when I come back from my April trip is going to be even better. The scale has stabilized at about 321 - which is great. Now, if I could just get back on board with the exercise, it would all come together. With the new month and the Time Change - I am going to TRY the getting up early thing. Maybe I can just go in the morning... or at least get home early enough to go with DH at night. *sigh* I was doing it before! I should be able to do it now! Well, no time like the present. I am going to go home and drag DH to the gym!

April 1, 2006

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