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About this blog

My Journey

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Body Image, Or Lack Thereof

Okay, I have a horrible body image. I still look at the plus sized clothes when I need something new, WHen I shop online I am drawn to plus size thing. My t-shirts are still XX and above; my sweatpants I still by XL. I just can't see the new me. It doesn't make me eat more, I don't want to be that size again.....   .....yet, I can reconcile what I look like to the world to what I look like to me in the mirror. I have tried tucking shirts in; wearing tighter clothes, telling myself I look good - all to no avail. I just can't see it.   Now it's been 2 years... I don't have a better grasp on self-image than I did before. I will tell you though that I felt I looked pretty good before (until I saw the pics). Now I think I look BAD, even in pics.... lol   I am a hot mess
mauraclegg

mauraclegg

0
 

Losing Or Is It Winning

Okay, I am going to say it. The weight loss was relatively easy for me. I hate to say it because I've read about and know personally people that have struggles after their band. I lost 85 lbs within the first year with 3 fills.   Now that you hate me for saying it was easy let me explain WHY I think it was easier for me. WHen I was allowed mushy food I tried out all the yummy carbs that I was missing (rice, pastina, mashed taters). I couldn't tolerate the rice so I eliminated it from my life (not my family's but mine). I never minded making the husband and kids something and having something different myself.   I think that my losing was easy because I changed my mind set. I gave myself about a cup of food and convinced myself I was full. It has worked for me.   That being said, I still need to have a little sweet when I am done eating (a Dove Promise or 2) and I think the fact that through all my fills I have been able to eat popcorn has been my saving grace. I love popcorn!! It's a perfect snack for me.   I still have some food struggles - I still want to eat french fries and they really don't work with my band (maybe 2 or 3), but then I get a bit stuck.   If I eat too fast, or I talk when I am eating I tend to stick and vomit.   But I stand by my saying that my weight loss was easy. I barely exercised - bad I know - but it's the truth.   I love what my band has allowed me to do for me, but I think the mental part of seeing yourself different has been the hardest part for me - I still see a fat chick in the mirror (I'm between a size 8 and 10). I don't want to be a size 2, but when I look in the magazines at people who are my height and weigh 115/120 lbs I am convinced I am still as big as a house.   I think part of my blog is so I can get more of these negative feelings out there into the universe and maybe, just maybe I can see me the way others see me
mauraclegg

mauraclegg

2
 

First Entry - Backround

Well, if I am starting a blog to hold myself a little more responsible then I guess I should start with a bit about my journey thus far:   I was banded June 8, 2010 and June 9, 2010 by the most wonderful surgeon, Dr. Nahmias here in CT. Yes, my band immediately slipped and I had to have a second surgery, but really it wasn't all that bad. The worst part was the NG Tube before the second surgery - I swear I could have punched the nurse tech who did it square in the face it hurt so damn bad. But after I woke from my second banding I felt like a million dollars and I didn't look back from there   I started about 262 lbs and by I lost my 100 lbs within 15 months, although the last 10 were as a result of my TT. But I am relatively happy with my size 10 bod.   I will say though I have HUGE body image problems. I think I look worse now than I did before. I don't see (somehow) that I look smaller. It's insane, but it's true. I have gone from a size 22 and a 44DDD to a size 10 and a 36DD and when I look in a mirror I see no improvement. I know it's all mental, and I am working on it, but it's HARD!!   My TT was uneventful, except for the hospital not being able to give me any ICE.. freakin crazy.   My JP Drains were removed within a week - I did have 2 small probs after - some fluid that had to be manually drained by my doc every week for about a month; and a small wound right above my pubic bone (smaller than a dime) that had to be chemically debrided - but it did eventually close (icky scar).   Lately I am maintaining my 96-100 lb weight loss - but I am occasionally bored with my food choices and I do push the envelope at times. I rarely vomit - only if I am talking when I am eating or I eat too fast or something I really shouldn't (more than 3 french fies)   I have to say my journey has been pretty easy - I lost my weight with minimum exercise which has led me to not want to exercise. I have been trying to walk again though.....
mauraclegg

mauraclegg

3
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