I'm Not That Creative

Where It All Begins...a (Re)Introduction Of Sorts...five Years Later

It's time to do this. You gotta start somewhere, right? Right. Where to start so as not to bore any unsuspecting reader into a seizure? My signature really tells the beginning story, not much else to tell about that part. It's everything that came afterward and the sheer frustration and disappointment in my band that led me to this point, five years later. Five years later I am still struggling with my weight. Five years later I haven't lost but a little over 60lbs. I had wanted to lose 100. I still remember standing in my surgeon's office at my consultation and telling him my goal was to lose at least 100 pounds. He smiled and laughed and said I would lose that in 6 months, EASY! OoOoOoOoh!! Sign me up, I'm sold! Actually, WLS was something I had been contemplating for several months, but at the time LB wasn't covered by Tricare. I have struggled with my weight my ENTIRE life. I was a relatively normal-size baby, then a fat kid, then a fat teen, then a fat young adult. Fat, fat, fat. I weighed about 220lbs in high school. Needless to say I was never asked out to a dance or even on a date. My mother also struggled with her weight and I learned everything I needed to know about gaining and losing from her. I learned that food equaled happiness, a reward for a job well done, something to pass the time when you're bored, and an excellent TV companion. She used to buy junkfood by the bagful and we'd lay in bed all day on a Sunday and just eat and nap, eat and nap. Cheetos, candy bars, candy, ice cream, Fritos, Banana Flips...we ate these like it was going out of style and when the food ran out, we just walked down to PDQ and bought more. When she finally decided she had had enough of being obese, she crash dieted through starvation and anorexia. I watched her melt away into a skinny, sexy, bombshell and suddenly she started getting the attention I so desperately craved. I started starving myself during my senior year of high school and I lost about 50lbs or so. I started getting noticed. I had my first boyfriend...and then my second...and then I got pregnant at 18. By the time I was 29 weeks I had gained 40lbs and I ended up delivering my son then. Who knows how much I would have gained had I not delivered? Between the stress of a failing, abusive relationship, being a young mother, and moving across the country, I didn't care about my appearance as much anymore, and the weight sort of clung. Then I got pregnant again at 20. This time I put on a whopping 80 pounds! I really, REALLY enjoyed using pregnancy as an excuse to gorge myself silly. Fast forward a year and my relationship with my abusive partner finally ended, and I found myself the FAT, single mother of two young babies. Feeling desperate and scared of being alone forever, I again became anorexic and starved myself. I lost about 90lbs in 9 months and WOW did I get the attention! I think that's when I really started equating being thin with being worthy of love...how terrible is that? It makes me sick now, but back then I really thought that way, and to some degree, it has stuck with me. I met my husband when I was this skinny, non-eating person. He couldn't figure out why I never ate in front of him...or at all, really. I would subsist on nothing but a few crackers and juice for about 3 days, and then on the 4th day I would eat one large meal of whatever I wanted. Real healthy, eh? Anyway, my husband was the one who eventually pulled me out of that disorder, and gradually I began eating again...which meant back came the weight. Grrrrr! I got pregnant in 2006 and with this baby I gained 70lbs. Sigh. Back on the dieting wagon. I did WW for a while and I excercised like a crazy person. I lost most of the baby weight I guess but by now my body was just never going to be the same. For the next couple years my weight just slowly crept up. I battled severe postpartum depression with my third baby and I struggled with the medications I was on and the intense feeling of hunger they produced 24/7. I continued to pack on the pounds and I entered a stage of self-loathing. Ultimately it almost cost me my marriage...I had absolutely no sexual desire nor did I feel sexy, I felt my husband was not attracted to me anymore, and I felt incredibly sad and powerless against my weight. I started having weight-related health issues like horrible arthritis in my hip joints and worsening asthma. I was tired all the time and had no stamina. I was resentful that everyone (it seemed) could eat whatever they wanted and not gain an ounce, but that I had to starve myself in order to lose or maintain my weight. By this time my weight was creeping toward 240lbs and I started contemplating WLS. After much research I decided on the LB. Only problem was that Tricare was not yet approving this surgery for weightloss. About four months after my decision to pursue the LB, Tricare finally approved the LB and I jumped at the opportunity. I was banded on April 23rd, 2007 in Louisville, KY. (to be continued)

mommakatx2

May 30, 2012

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