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I think I've been band passive long enough

I haven't made a post on here in ages. Maybe I've been neglecting my reality, who knows. But I have a problem, the same problem I had almost 3 years ago. I love food. I love the way it tastes, all the different flavors, all that.   I've been going HAM on food lately, so much so that I thought of something pink and glazed with pineapples and brown sugar as I typed that. I have no idea why I won't stop. I would say can't but I can. I'm not sick, I just want to eat. Ugh...So I've gained 30 lbs since last May. GREAT! Once upon a time I was 22 lbs away from goal and now I have 50 lbs just sitting on. I will when I want to but when the fuuuuuck will I want to!?   I wasn't even bad today, but I think my errors are coming back to get me. I did a nice amount of PB'ing and I guess my body said f**k it let's go all the way. And that is what it did. I vomited for the first time in 3 years. It was miserable. It hurt, stung burned, left me embarrassed the whole shebang. And yet still, all I can think about it what I can eat when I feel better.   The amount of money I dish out on food should just invest in a thing I actually want.   One day Tiana, but soon please. For your own good.
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This is weird

When I started I wasn't wearing jeans because my 24s no longer fit and I refused to venture any further than that. Now I'm in baggy size 12 jeans, from F21 of all places. But I don't understand it. Obviously the way weight loss works is you lose weight and clothes fit differently yadda yadda but, it's just so weird to me. I guess it's an nsv in a way right?   I don't feel like I should be in anyones 12 much less them be baggy. What am I to do when the 12 is too big??? It's a great feeling to know that I fit into clothes or that I don't for a good reason. But I still don't feel like I belong in the "skinny:" side. I still have that feeling that an associate will come up to me and point me towards the plus sized section.   Mental weight loss is a real b***h!
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Multiple Sclerosis

I just turned 20 on July 2nd and was diagnosed with ms on July 10th. After a bit of research I see there are a few types, I'm not quite sure what kind I have just yet so I can't say. I have to schedule an appointment for a second opinion, but my neurologist is pretty certain.   Needless to say I'm pretty devastated that I got MS for my 20th birthday but being devastated won't make it go away. Any words of advice?
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Nobody told me..

That shedding 100 pounds wouldn't make me feel good. Once the glory of fitting into size 14 jeans and large tops wears off there is really nothing to be happy about. I was just as healthy, if not more considering before there were no foreign objects in my abdomen and no slits on my torso, as I am now, but my brain feels exactly the same.   I used to cry because I thought being thinnER would make me so happy, and would change everything, when in reality the only thing is changed is what I'm crying about. Now I cry because I did so much to get here and my heart and my brain both ache just the same.   Take a look a look under that silver lining.
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Arghh Stress Overload!

I hate having so much to deal with! My mom is on vacation and my dad works 24/7 so I have to watch over my 4 siblings, and work 40+ hours this week.
I have to remember to make food so I don't stop and pick anything up.
I have to make sure I get up in time for work.
Make my car payment.
Buy birthday gifts.
Maintain this 12 lbs loss.
Lose more.
Get my protein in.
Work out.
Wear clothes that still fit. Sounds a lot easier than it is!
I cant imagine whats gonna happen when classes start up again. I might just drive myself batty!
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Sigh

I'm depressing myself :/ Every day when I get dressed I feel pretty much grosser than I ever have. I've always tolerated being big so I made it work for me. Nice clothes, shoes, so on but now all my clothes fit like garbage bags and I cant buy more because I'll just keep losing and the clothes will stop fitting all over again.   On the plus side ive pulled out every pair of jeans I own and they all fit great, Down side it's summer so I won't be wearing thooose.   I've been having the hardest time sleeping. I.e. I went to sleep at 5am yesterday and woke up t 9. And I havent slept since. so yeah sigh..
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1 Month Post Op

As of Friday I am 1 month post op, and down 20 lbs. 45 lbs in total.   So far things are ok. I'm on soft foods now.   I had 1/2 cup tomato soup and use one slice of toasted wheat with it. I got stuck, but I'll grant it's my fault for not eating with enough time to commit. I've gotten back into my gym ritual. I got to the park more though.   I've topped my time walking/jogging time. Back in February it took me 21 minutes to finish a mile. Now I'm at 16 minutes to a mile. Which is great. Hoping to get down to 14 minutes soon.   My clothes, I started back in March easily fitting 3x and 22/24 shirts and pants. I'm now in 2x's and 18/20's with the acception of jeans which I haven't worn in a while because the stopped fitting. I just bought a pair of 22 jean shorts which is shocking because I skipped 24 altogether haha.   Finally in total I've lost 25 1/2 inches.   Starting:   Right Calf:22in Left Calf 22in Right Thigh:30 Left Thigh 32in Right Arm:17 1/2 Left Arm: 18 Chest:55in Belly:53 Hips:57   Currently: RC:18 LC:19 RT:28 LT:29 RA:17 LA:17 Chest: 48 Belly:49 Hips:53   I think I've hit my little depressed stage I think it's mostly the fact that I like looking good , I never gave up on being pretty, girly what have you. But everytime I leave the house my clothes look horrible on me, loose as hell, and flowy without intention. I honestly feel fatter in my clothes now than I did 45 pounds ago.   Thats all for now -Tiana
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Nsv Woohoooo

I have been wearing leggings and yoga pants since January. I stopped wearing jeans when jeans stopped fitting me, ultimately I stopped shopping all together.   Yesterday, I went to get a dress for my sisters graduation. Dress looks great but I put on these size 24 shorts way to big, that was a shocker because I have been a 24 for a while then 24's from that store (dots) stopped fitting. So I put on a pair of 22 denim shorts and omggggg they fit like a dream!   So now I'm down from a 22/24 in tops to an 18/20. and from a 24 in jeans to a 20!   This feels awsome and I'm closer to being able to buy my Forever21+ jeans. Oh and I'm a 2x now too! ahhhhh Things are going sooo well!   I needed my bf's motivation to get me through the gym yesterday, today I got it covered on my own!
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Approved Approved Approved

The best part? That I want to celebrate by going to the gym, not eating a million course meal! Its been a long time, but I did it, which means I can do it, and anything else I put my mind to. I have never been so happy in my life, I have to take my nails off but thats the lest of my worries, I just, its a great feeling!
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My First 20!

Officially down 20 lbs, and it seems like the whole world is noticing! This feels awsome, I'm 3 weeks away from surgery and excited as ever. Took a leave from the gym for a while but I'm in action.   Two must be my lucky number haha, got a 2% raise at my job, not much, but its a part time job, and I'm in college, I'll take anything I can get! Anyway, I've been doing so well!   Sad note, I got a dog a week ago, fell in love with her, and now shes back at the shelter It's ok shes in a good place.   hmmm what else...Boyfriend , Franky that miserable pia, gotta love him. Blah I think thats all, Im working right now, or hardly anyway. Bye guys
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-3 More

Lost 3 more lbs, two more months and then surgery! I used to have these "pockets" of fat under my boobs, I'm young I can say boobs, and they're gone!! My calves are getting toned, theres an indent in the side! My back is smoothing out! My face is slimming down! haha Sorry, just really excited. My skin is lightening and my cycle came by it self this month! I wanted french bread pizza today, two slices, saw it was 470 calories for one, said nope! had turkey bacon, an egg with egg whites, and weight watchers toast.   I don't think I've ever felt so good!
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3/6/12

Did 45 minutes on the elliptical today, non stop, back and forth between an 8 incline and a 4, and back and forth between 200 resistance and 60 aww yeah! 30 minutes on the treadmill, at a speed of 3 and a 5.0 incline   And very reluctantly 30 minutes on the stationary bike, in hill mode.   Yet no scale movement! sigh...I guess on the plus side, this morning in the shower, I noticed my calves have slimmed down substantially.   I'm on my special yogurt and apple diet yet again, have to be less than 317 at appointment on friday!   Feels like I'm getting discouraged!
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One More Thing

One of the pharmacists at my job, same one that ridiculed me over my tattoos, asked what I was putting on my face, because it's apparently getting lighter. my answer? Nothing!   I have something called Acanthosis Nigricans, something that has to do with my weight and my skin being whatever color, google it. But with weight loss it goes away.   I'm going home VERY happy today, why did I wait so long to make this change? It feels great!!
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Progress

Things are good!   Although, every so often I get the idea I'm trying to lose weight for the wrong reason ( not health related, more for visual effect). But I like that I'm doing well for myself, I mean c'mon, how can I complain that I'm losing weight?   So I'm at work today, and the day receptionist says to me "Tiana you look thinner, that diet is working!" Thanks barb! Then my dad comes do make sure I got to work alright, and he goes, what are you doing, losing weight in your face? Thanks dad!   I never see it on me when I lose weight, I only go by the numbers I see on the scale. Blah and those dont move very much. But I'm down to 318 so I must be doing something right. Hoping the scale gives me good news again on friday!   My boyfriend broke up with me, for reason I cant verify...whatever, but I'm using that as more motivation to lose weight and look good, he can see what he's missing out on . Anyway, I'm on a roll. I met these things called sweat, and resistance, we're pretty good friends. They know whats good for me!   Less than 70 days til the next surgery attempt, I have a feeling they'll deny AGAIN but I'll keep trucking on, I'm doing alright thus far.
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Down In A Good Way

apparently I lost 6 lbs in two weeks. 13 in a month. as much as I dont think its under the best circumstances ( on the days I go to the gym, oh yeah I joined a gym, I only eat yogurt apples and water) but thus far it's working for me. At the weigh in though. my nutritionist did not seem as happy as me probably because I shoooouldnt be losing so much if I want the surgery.   Speaking of the surgery, I sooooomewhat think I under estimated myself in the sense that, I never really, FULLY tried to lose weight. Like yeah I had a gym membership last year, and I used it but I still ate the same way. Now I work out 3-4 times week AND I eat a lot more reasonably.   Never felt so good about my health though, I've noticed that those little races I have with my siblings to the car, now I can keep up and by the time I get to the car Im not wheezing. Its a great feeling that I caant explain. I havent gotten around to running at the gym yet, but I do outside so I'll take that.   Sprained my ankle back in September, starting to feel that again every so often.   Oh aaaaand I spent 40 minutes on the bike, just 15 on the elliptical and 60 mins on the treadmill. Needless to say, I'm very proud of my success. a word from the experienced   Make natural energy, I tried a red bull on top of a 5 hour energy, just doesnt work, dont do it.
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Update

After dissappointing ( pretty sure thats spelled wrong), news that my insurance denied my surgery I kinda fell off the band wagon. But got right back on, I determined if I could'nt get assistance I'd try AGAIN to do it myself. Then spoke to my health center again, and they started me on a 1500 cal, supervised diet with exercise 3-4 times a week, 2-3 miles w/ weigh ins bi weekly. I havent been doing my best on that either, but I get my tax return tomorrow, and I whole heartedly intend to renew my gym membership. I loved the gym and I love losing weight! ha   So as of 2/7/11 I was 324.9. I think I'll take it! I think thats all.
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