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Morelgirl's Lap Band Life

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Exhaustion = Philosophy***

Feeling so tired today, and I'm not sure why, so I might just decide to blame the weather. Yesterday was beautiful, but today it's back to Spring in the PacNW. Translation = Cool and Rainy.   So I was out of touch for a couple of weeks there. Nothing horrible happened, but I had a work deadline that butted right up against a trip out of town, so I was a bit preoccupied and not spending much time on the forums or even online in general. I did learn something, though, that has made me both happy and totally surprised: So far, having the band has meant that even when I get incredibly stressed and stop paying super-close attention to what and how I'm eating, I still don't go back to my old habits. At least not totally. Before the band, a work deadline combined with a couple of weeks of stress would have meant an automatic 5 lb gain or more. This time, not so much. I pretty much stayed the same overall. It's still sinking in, really, because it's such a foreign concept to me. I mean, intellectually I knew from the beginning that getting the band would mean a permanent lifestyle change, but it's still weird to me to see concrete evidence of that.   Or maybe that's just me.   On Tuesday, I got my third fill, bringing me up to 6.5cc in my 11cc band. I'm still not feeling restriction, but I'm hoping I'm just one of those people who needs a little time for the fill to settle in. I keep expecting to hit restriction and have to start eliminating items from my diet, but so far I can eat anything and everything, including bread, pasta, rice, beef, and raw veggies. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I mean, I don't want to have to give up foods, but it makes me feel like something less than a "real" bandster for some reason. I mean, part of why I got the band was so that I could change not what I ate but how much I ate, but it's weird to hear all the stories about how people with bands absolutely canNOT eat certain foods and know that I have no issues with them. I keep waiting for it to change, but will it? And if it doesn't, am I still a bandster?   *sigh* Like I said, I'm tired and philosophical today. Maybe I should just go have a nap now...     ***Apologies for the rambling. I really do need more sleep.
morelgirl

morelgirl

0
 

Round 1: Coming Out Swinging

I'm starting this with the uncertainty whether I hope or dread anyone reading it, not to mention the hard-earned inability to believe that even this step will really be able to accomplish the thing to which it seems I've dedicated my life: losing weight. Unsucessfully, natch.   I remember being on my first diet by the age of 9; I got my lap band (a Realize band, actually) on February 1, 2012, a little less than 3 month before my 37th birthday. Did I give up on losing the weight on my own? Maybe, but I prefer to think of it as giving up on the DELUSION that I could lose it on my own. Yes, I said it--it was a delusion. Delusional thinking. I've dieted for almost my entire life; if dieting actually led to weight loss, I'd be f'ing Kate Moss by now. Heck, I'd have melted away to nothing more than a decade ago. Atkins? Did it. Sonoma? Did it. Cabbage soup? Grapefruit? Mayo Clinic? Done, done, done. Jenny Craig? Check. Weight Watchers? Which of the nine times do you want to discuss? Counting calories? Yup, as well as counting fat, counting carbs, and counting numbers of bites. I became a human abacus. I saw a nutritionist for two years, and a therapist for even longer. I worked on my issues even as I worked harder at losing weight than at anything else in my life, but the lesson I learned from all of that work was that dieting doesn't. It doesn't work, and it most especially doesn't work for me.   Enter, the band. Through five little incisions right in my belly. It is even now wrapped around my stomach and giving me a new (if still shaky) hope that maybe I can finally solve this problem. You know the one. The one that makes buying clothes not only difficult, but occasionally humiliating. The one that makes other people's gazes either slide right over you, or linger in that way that makes you want to crawl under a rock and hide. The one that makes doctors blame anything you ask for their help with on the same thing, regardless of symptoms, cause, or duration. The one that makes anyone in the medical profession ask if you've ever considered losing weight, as if you hadn't noticed you were fat and the idea of attempting to be thin had never even occurred to you. Yeah, that one.   The issue here is that one week after surgery and 13.7 pounds down from my pre-pre-op-diet weight, I still haven't decided whether or not I believe this solution will work. I hope--God knows, I hope--but I can't quite commit to optimism yet. All I've got at the moment is that hope, and the kind of anticipation you feel before a huge exam. I know I studied, and I know the material backward and forward, but I still can't help feeling that I still could fail, just because I've done it before.   Still, fingers crossed and breath held and band installed. I've even begun to transition (with desperation induced permission from my surgeon...I couldn't take liquids anymore) onto purees. Maybe this will work. Maybe I'll blog here more than this once. I don't know what the future holds yet, but I really hope it's good.
morelgirl

morelgirl

3
 

Wish Fulfillment!

Yay! I got my first fill this morning! I'm so happy, it's ridiculous. Even if I don't reach restriction from this fill, at least I now know that this journey has really started and is really progressing, and as long as I do the work, I can expect to get results. I can't even describe how that feels. It's euphoric!   Even though my surgeon had indicated I would likely have a fill at this appointment (4 weeks post-op), I still had paranoia that it might not happen. I'm just that kind of girl--a worrywort! Well, when the nurse escorted me into the exam room, I saw all the accoutrements of a fill already laid out for the doctor, and that soooo made me happy. Never have the sight of needle, syringe, and alcohol swabs given me such a thrill! When the surgeon came in, he asked me if I was on soft solids yet (which I am) and if I wanted my first fill. I don't think he even got to finish the question before I was shouting my "YES!"   It turns out that my surgeon does his fills by feel--no barium swallows or flouroscopy. He had me lay back on the exam table and lift my head in a mini-crunch while he located the port. Then came the needle. Now, I'm on the fence about needles; they don't totally freak me out, but I don't love them, either, so it was a little odd for me when, after the initial stick, he spent maybe 15 seconds wigglnig the thing around to get it in precisely the right spot. I can't say it was totally comfortable, but I can't say it was painful, either. It was just a weird sensation. Once the needle was in place, he started the injection, backed it up to be sure it was correctly entering the system, then completed the fill. The whole appointment was like 5 minutes (with another 40 minutes spent completing my form, waiting, weighing in, and getting my vitals checked). After the fill, he gave me a small cup of water to drink and said I could come in after 3 weeks if I felt I needed more restriction.   The fill itself consisted of 3.0 cc of fluid. That made me quite happy, since I dreaded getting only 1 cc at a time. The surgeon claims that most patients feel restriction between 3 cc and 8 cc. Right now, I'm not entirey certain what I feel, since I've been instructed to have my first post-fill meal as liquid, then progress slowly back through the stages until I'm on solid foods. The water at the dr's office went down with no issues, so I felt a little worry that I might not have any restriction at all. When I got home, I had a protein drink for lunch, and it took me 45 minutes to drink the 8 oz. I didn't have any trouble with it at all, but I thought I could feel it going down in a way I hadn't before. Whether that's restriction or just swelling, I guess we'll see, but I'm feeling fairly optimistic. And full off just liquid, which is nice. Hopefully that will continue.   Anyway, that's my first fill experience. I'm crossing my fingers that the band kicks in and starts holding up its part of this bargain, since I only lost 3.4 lbs since my last dr's visit.
morelgirl

morelgirl

2
 

Better To Emote Than Eat

My bff/housemate went to stay with her fiance for the weekend, so this is the first time I've been alone (I mean, other than when she's at work during the day...I work from home) since being banded. I was a little worried that old habits might kick in and have me eating badly while left to my own devices. Even though I've been making all my own meals this whole time, in the time BB (before banding) a weekend alone would have seen me too lazy to cook and living on take out or fast food. I mean, why bother going to the trouble to actually take care of myself when there's no one to eat with and no one to see my bad habits? Fortunately, AB (after banding) I'm still feeling the motivation of a new adventure and did pretty well for myself.   Spending a bunch of time on LBT did, of course, help me keep focused and honest with myself. I'm being more and more careful about weighing and measuring my food as opposed to guesstimating. After so many times on Weight Watchers, I generally do farly well with estimating tablespoons and cups, but it's always good to give myself a refresher course. I also did some cooking. I found a recipe for Wendy's chili that made so much of the stuff that my freezer is now full of tiny cups of it! I also cooked a couple of chicken breasts in the crockpot until they fell apart and I've been using those for chicken salad. Just add lite mayo, plain greek yogurt and spices and it's pretty yummy. I'd love to throw in some diced celery and pickle relish, but I'm still wary of those fibrous vegetables. Maybe in another few weeks.   Wednesday will mark my 3 weeks since surgery. Since my doctor plans to do my first fill at my 4 week appointment and wants me ready for solids by that point, I'll probably begin transitioning to soft solids in the second half of this week. Like with every other stage of this progression, I have my initial, "what counts as a soft solid?" confusion going on at the moment, but I'll figure it out. After all, I can always look it up on the forums!
morelgirl

morelgirl

2
 

Quick And Dirty

This is a quick update because things are fairly status quo at the moment. It was a crazy weekend punctuated by the pain of having to go and order my dress for my bff's May wedding. Let me tell you, there's nothing in the world that can slam a new bandster back down to earth like trying on satin dresses in a bridal shop in front of about 97 million mirrors. I mean, I'm doing well, but I've only been banded 6 weeks and am not at restriction yet, so I've lost only a tiny fraction of what I need to. Clothes shopping is still painful. I had picked out the dress ahead of time from photos based on the style, which is one that would generally be quite flattering on me, and since I'm the only bridesmaid, I could have any dress I wanted. I had it in my head that I wanted to buy something that I really loved so I could wear it again and get some use out of it, but when I tried it on, it was really more of a "meh" moment. I liked it fine as a MOH dress, but I didn't love it, which was really disappointing. Then the bff saved the day by reminding me that even if I did buy something I really adored, the chances of my being able to wear it again were pretty slim because in a few months, it wouldn't fit anymore!!! Wow, did that totally change my prespective. Suddenly, all was well again and the dress got ordered.   Then this week started out with a bang. Literally. I live on a corner lot which is entirely fenced in three sections, thank goodness. the back yard is separated from the front and side yards and is where the dogs go out to play. The front and the side are more for show with nice plants and stuff (it was landscaped by the previous owners...I have a black thumb for anything except herbs). Well, sometime between 9 am and 11 am yesterday, some a#$@!%)$ took the corner too tight (frankly, based on the look of it, they HAD to have been under the influence of something) and destroyed about 30-40 feet of my fencing in the side yard. Uprooted 4 posts from their concrete moorings and everything. And then just drove off. Leaving me with a huge mess and no chance of compensation for the damage. If anyone had seen the car and given the police a lead, I'd be able to make a claim against the owner's car insurance, but no such luck. I could claim it on my homeowner's insurance, but based on my deductible and the fact that the claim would sit on my policy for the next 5 years, I'm better off just eating the cost. This makes me less than happy.   The only bright spot at the moment is that I think I might actually have a real loss this week (fingers crossed). This is based on my daily unofficial weigh-ins. Tomorrow is the real thing, so today I will be watching my salt intake and trying to be extra mindful so that I can maintain any loss I've had long enough to record it tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me, please. I'm kinda sick on losing less than a pound per week.   So that's what's going on and why I haven't posted more the last few days. Trust me, if I have a decent loss, I WILL be posting again tomorrow.
morelgirl

morelgirl

1
 

These Are My People!

I want to thank everyone who's been reading my ranting posts, and especially all of you who've taken the time to comment. It's such a relief to get these thoughts off my chest sometimes, but it helps even more to hear from others and know that I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. Maybe it's my persecution complex talking, but there are times when being a fat person in our skinny-obsessed society is the most isolating experience in the world.   And being a fat person who has been unable to lose weight is the worst. If I had a dollar for every time someone has asked if I've thought about losing weight, I'd be rich. I might also be in prison, because the more it gets asked, the more I want to smack them upside the head while yelling (at my loudest and most sarcastic), "No! I've never thought of that! Oh, my goodness, I've been having SO MUCH FUN being fat and ostracized and mocked and ignored and insulted and slighted and exposed to ridicule that it NEVER EVEN OCCURRED to me to try to lose weight! Thank you so much for being the frst person to point out that I'm fat, or I never would have figured it out!"   Not that I'm bitter or anything.   Anyway, I don't need to be bitter anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm still fat. In fact, for another 5 pounds or so I'll continue to be mordibly obese. After all, I was only banded 2.5 weeks ago, so the journey is just beginning for me, but for the first time in my life, I honestly believe that I have a chance to succeed. Even with my band unfilled, I still am able to be satisfied with eating much less than I ever have before. I'm conscious of my portions and my calories, but I'm content with what I'm allowed, not always finishing a meal still wanting more and not starving in between them. Once I get some restriction, I really believe that I'll be able to succeed where in the past I've always failed.   Even better than that, though, is the knowledge that I'm so not doing this alone. I have all the other members here at LBT going through exactly what I am. I can share my feelings with you and know you'll understand. I can ask questions and know that you'll answer. And I can get tips and ideas I never would have thought of myself without having to go digging through the entire internet to find them. That rocks so hard.   So, thanks, all of you. And here's hoping we all succeed together.
morelgirl

morelgirl

4
 

Am I Really Going To Have To Be Adult About This?

Seriously, there are times when I totally resent having to be a grown up, especially about things I want but am not getting. Those are the times when I want to throw myself down on the floor and have a kicking, wailing, punching, sobbing fit worthy of a sugar-crashing three-year-old. And I could do it. Trust me. I could rock the #$&% out of that. RIght now, I'd like to give in, but instead, I'm just going to whine and trust that if you don't want to hear it, you all know where to find your "back" buttons.   I think I'm going to have to resign myself to being a "slow loser."   Sheesh, even the term makes me want to gnash my teeth and curse creatively. Really, I still cling to hope that I'm wrong about this and that at some point, something will click in my stubborn little (I mean that metaphorically) body and the pounds will start to drop off at the rate of several lbs per week, but I have the sick, sad feeling that I shouldn't hold my breath about that.   Offically, I weigh myself once per week, every Wednesday night. That's the weight I record on my ticker and in MFP, and in my brain, that's the weight I attach to myself. I am what the scale says I am on Wednesday nights. However, that doesn't stop me from weighing in every day or two just to check myself. Or to obsess about my weight; however you want to look at it. Before I had my first fill, it was wasy to blame my eensy-weensy incremental losses on bandster hell. To even be happy (to a small extent) at not having gained. After my fill last week, though, I'm running out of excuses. I'm not so restricted that I can't eat every food I've tried (haven't tried white bread) including rice, pasta, and chicken breast. But, while I can eat what I want, I find myself filling up on a cup of food or so and staying full for 4-5 hours after a meal. From what I've read, that should mean I'm at least close to an appropriate fill. Doesn't that mean I should start really losing now?   I'd like to think so, but in the last 5 days, the scale has gone up 0.4 lbs and now down 0.6 lbs, leaving me only 0.2 lbs below my last week's weight. 0.2 lbs? Seriously? Is that all I can expect to lose in a week? Less than 1 lb? How can I lose less than 1 lb when I'm averaging 1000 calories a day, not eating junk, eating my protein first, and not filling up on hi-calorie, low-nutrient sliders? If I'm following the rules, I want to see results, damn it!!! I deserve it!!!   Yes, yes, Logical Me realizes that any loss is a step in the right direction and that the goal is to lose slowly and steadily while maintaining my health and my sanity. Well, my health seems assured, but I can't vouch for my sanity. I mean, seriously. This is going to drive me bonkers.   My surgeon will allow me to return for another fill in 2-1/2 weeks, and at the moment I'm planning on doing that because I don't think I can deal with losing less that 1 lb per week. I think that might kill me. Or cause me to kill someone else, and really, prison jumpsuit orange would totally make me look sallow.
morelgirl

morelgirl

4
 

Off Site Blog

To anyone who might be interested, I've started a band blog off of LBT. The link is here: http://themagicminimushroom.blogspot.com/   Posts may or may not overlap here and there (they do not at the moment), but I think I probably have enough rants to be okay with both at the moment.
morelgirl

morelgirl

0
 

Okay, Done With Down

The emotional down, that is. Hopefully, there will be lots of down happening on my scale in the weeks and months to come. My last entry was a bit on the depressed/depressing side, and I'm going to work not to let that take over. After all, things are actually pretty good.   The surgery was surprisingly easy, in more ways than one. Since my insurance excluded the procedure from my policy, I ended up paying cash for it, and let me tell you, that certainly speeds up the process--so much so, that when I gave my surgery date to the program coordinator at the center where I had the procedure (a little less than three months after attending the mandatory information seminar on bariatric surgeries in general), she informed me that she thought I had set a new speed record for the pre-op phase of the process. And the surgery itself was way less scary thanks could have been. In and out of the operating room in 1 hour, and home in my recliner within another six.   Surprisingly, the incisions ended up being the least noticeable pain after the fact. The shoulder pain, which I hadn't heard of but now know is normal, was much more uncomfortable. In reality, the incisions just itch a lot. Only the largest one is a problem, and that's mostly just sore, as if I had pulled a muscle there a few days ago and it's now slowly repairing itself. It only really bugs me when I stretch. All in all, the recovery is going smooth and easy, just like the surgery. Let's hope it's an omen of how the weight loss will go as well.   So really, I should be feeling pretty good. And I am, on top of the underlying low grade fear. This could mean very good things for me, especially now that I'm on mashies; it's amazing how that one little step can make a person feel sooooooooo much more human. In two and a half weeks, I go back to the surgeon for what I hope will be my first fill, and then the journey can really start.   Please, bandster hell, go easy on me. I'm still feeling a little fragile.  
morelgirl

morelgirl

2
 

Truckin'

Apologies to anyone who is (like me) old enough to see that post title and now has the Grateful Dead stuck in their head. At least be comforted that I am in the same boat.   It is appropriate, though. I am truckin' along here 10 days post-surgery. I'm really enjoying my mushies over last week's liquids, but I am trying to keep an eye on my calories and getting as close to my minimum protein goals as I can. On that score, I can't wait until I can actually eat meat again. It has sooo much more protein than the softer eggs and beans and cheeses I'm most comfortable with at the moment. Honestly, I'm so comfortable and having such an easy time of it, that I'm guessing I could probably handle soft solids if not solids already, but after pushing for early mushies, I'm trying not to rock the boat too much more. And honestly, I'm not really having hunger issues yet, either. I mean, I get hungry, but it pretty much corresponds to mealtimes and 1/4 to 1/2 cup of food keeps me satisfied for hours. I still worry, though. I'm a bit paranoid about whether I'm inadvertently stretching my pouch, but I think my volumes are small enough to be safe. Fingers crossed.   Some soreness around my largest incision still, a bit worse today after I overdid it a little yesterday on the bending at stretching, but nothing liquid Tylenol isn't dealing with. First fill should be in 18 days, and I'm marking the time off with eager anticipation!
morelgirl

morelgirl

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