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Morelgirl's Lap Band Life

Entries in this blog

 

Boy, I needed that

I had a difficult weekend. I've been stressing over a work deadline for the last week or two, but things are really coming to a head. In fact, I'm beginning to hear that whooshing sound a deadline makes as it goes shooting by me. It won't be the end of the world, as it's mainly a self imposed date, but I'm still frustrated with myself that I haven't been able to make it, so the stress is building. In the past, stress for me has always equalled overeating, so my head hunger has just been rising and rising lately.   Yesterday, it got the best of me. I ate and drank way too many calories. Admittedly not as many as I could have, but still way more than I needed. Knowing that bad news at this point would only make me that much more likely to want to quit, I deliberately did not do my weekly weigh in this morning. I do that every morning right after I get up, after I've gone to the bathroom but before I put on clothes, and I record the result of each Monday's scale readout. Today, I officially took the day off. Of course, I couldn't stay completely off the scale, but I waited a couple of hours and weighed myself with clothes on. That way, I can pretend the number is inaccurate. Of course, the number was up so I started to get down on myself,   Then, I realized something. I hadn't taken any measurements of myself in just over a month. Out came the tape measure. I don't take a ton of measurements, just three that are recorded in MFP, but I'm still really glad I remembered to do this. I've lost 3.3 inches! Knowing that was like a huge weight (no pun intended) lifted off my shoulders, because it means that what I'm doing is really making a noticeable difference. The numbers on the scale can get kind of abstract because they move up and down so easily and are influenced by so many things, like salt and water and TOM, that sometimes it doesn't feel like those losses are real. The ones on the measuring tape, though, those can't be disputed.   I really needed the good news today. It helped me to get my head back on straight so that I can take a deep breath and get back to work, both professionally and with my band. I know this journey won't be quick and it won't be easy, but sometimes a reminder really helps. Once a month measurements, which I had planned to do all along, gave me that reminder today, and boy, I needed that!
morelgirl

morelgirl

4
 

I Am a Duck

...the kind in the old saying: swimming serenely on the surface and paddling like a lunatic underneath.   Actually, I've been doing fairly well ever since I got back on board with my band (3/8). The additional fills have made a difference and at 9.25cc, I've decided to consider myself I the green zone. I stay not hungry for about 4 hrs after a meal. I never experience stuck episodes or PBs, thank goodness, but I am a pretty conscientious chewer, which is good because my bite size varies depending on the texture of the food I'm eating. I make sure to get my minimum 50g of protein per day and I keep track of my calories, but other than that I don't stress abut counting anything else (fat or carbs). I still eat "bad" foods occasionally (like chips) but only in moderation, in premeasured servings, and I always count the calories and try to make sure that at the end of the week I average out around 1200 calories per day. I can eat bread, rice, pasta, asparagus, steak ... there is nothing I have ever tried to eat that I was unable to eat. I also don't ever feel like my band "stops" me from eating. My portions are usually 1 cup at a time, sometimes 1.5 cups, but I never feel stuffed after eating or that my band is telling me to stop. My mind tells me to stop because it remembers the rules given to me by my doctor.   In reality, I'm learning to be okay with that. Part of me wonders if I'm missing some vital part of the bandster experience by not having a band that bosses me around, but I think this way is honestly probably less painful. I also hope that it is teaching me more than if I had a vocal band. This way, I know that what I'm doing is a choice and since I'm going to have to do this for the rest of my life if I want to lose and maintain a loss, getting into the habit of choosing right is probably a good thing in the long term. Sure, there are times when I wish I was one of those people whose band made them forget about food completely. When I read about someone who never has cravings any more, or who forgets to eat, or who loses interest in food--even really yummy food--after a few bites, I wish that were me, but I'm doing okay with the me I've got, so I get over it.   The bottom line is that I am losing weight. Not huge quantities and not as fast as I would like, but since I would LIKE to be losing 10lbs per week, I'm focusing on being realistic instead. My 1-2 lb per week loss (really does usually fall around 1.5!) is exactly on track. All I need to do is to remember to stay the course and I will get where I want to be eventually. Better to get there slowly than to stay where I am.   So, like the duck, I just keep paddling.    
morelgirl

morelgirl

2
 

Good Food is a Good Thing

One of the best parts of getting back on track and living like a compliant bandster is the amazing food I get to eat. Nope, not kidding. I happen to be a pretty darned good cook. The problem is that when I'm not living right with my band, I get lazy. Cooking for one person half the time just doesn't seem "worth it," as if I'm not worth taking care of as much as the other people I cook for. That leads to take out, dining out, fast food, convenience foods, and processed foods. And that leads to weight gain. But when I'm concentrating on improving my life by working with the band, I eat not only healthier foods, but often tastier ones as well.   Just in the past week, I made band friendly versions of beef Bourguignon, macaroni and cheese, braised chicken thighs with mushroom sauce, and for dinner tonight, Asian lettuce wraps with chicken and vegetables. It's all fresh, high protein, low fat, unprocessed, organic, and so much better than anything I could get at a supermarket or a cheap restaurant that it makes me shake my head that I ever made those choices. Even with the band, I love to cook, I love to eat, and I love flavorful foods. Now, I'm just finding ways to eat them the right way in the right amounts with the right ingredients.   And it just rocks!
morelgirl

morelgirl

2
 

Reality Check

I really need to learn to do these often. I am the Queen of Unrealistic Expectations. I'm a smart girl, so I know and understand that 1-2 lbs per weeks is the average and is considered by my doctor and the entire bariatric surgery community to be good weight loss, but that somehow does not stop me from being disappointed when I don't lose more. So what do I do? I need to give myself a reality check.   While I was moping about "only" losing 1.6 lbs this week after entering my progress into MFP, my eye caught on the list at the bottom of the screen of previous losses. That told the tale of how I lost weight during the first few months after surgery, before I got frustrated at not finding the green zone and gave up on my band. Before I regained about half of what I lost. And what did I see there? I had lost 25 lbs in less than 3 months. That was FANTASTIC! Maybe if I had focused on that accomplishment instead of becoming impatient and whiney over what I wanted to lose, I wouldn't have cheated myself out of all those months of real progress.   Lesson learned. From now on, when I start to get impatient and frustrated and to compare myself to others who seem to be losing soooooo much faster, I'm going to remember to give myself a reality check. I'm not running a race, I'm changing my life. It WILL happen, as long as I keep working. So that is exactly what I will do.
morelgirl

morelgirl

2
 

Not So Scary

Today, my housemate very sheepishly asked me for a favor. She asked if it would freak me out or upset me if I made a batch of Mac n' cheese. I am famous across several states for my baked Mac n' cheese. No soupy sauces, just a cheese-laden bowl of goodness so dense that you could cut it into squares to serve it and each square would hold its shape until attacked with a fork. Oh, how I love the stuff.   My first reaction was to think that I couldn't do it, because I couldn't face the temptation of having such a yummy, calorie laden treat around the house and me not be able to eat it. Then I stopped and thought. Yes, I have a band now, which means I have to make better choices with food, but I will be making those choices for the rest of my life if I want to be successful. Can I really contemplate an eternity without ever eating Mac n'cheese? Would I even want to? So I came up with a plan, and I have to say, I'm pretty brilliant.   I made my housemate my old fashioned Mac n'cheese the way I always do. No weighing, no measuring, just put the stuff in til it looks right, then stick it in the over and let the magic happen. But at the same time, I made a second, much smaller batch just for me. For MY batch, I used whole wheat pasta to eliminate the white flour and raise the fiber content. Then I weighed and measured the exact amount of cheese that would go into the bowl. I measured each additional ingredient carefully and programmed the whole thing into My Fitness Pal so that it would calculate exactly how many calories are in each serving. And you know what? It's not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Not only did it taste just as good as the orginial version, but my 1/4 cup serving had a good amount of protein between the pasta, cheese, egg and milk in the recipe. It also had an amount of calories that easily fit into my daily meal plan alongside a serving of lean meat. I found that 1/4 c just as satisfying as the bowl I would have eaten previously and it felt like a huge NSV to reshape the recipe and eat a healthy amount of a "normal" food.   Go me!   Now, that isn't to say that the lingering traces of the old me didn't think briefly about eating the entire batch in one sitting, but with my latest fill, I know that I honestly couldn't do it without getting sick. My band would stop me. Finally. But even more than that, I know I'll enjoy each small serving more knowing that I'm still living as a compliant bandster and that I'm still on track to meet my goals.   So, I'll say it again: Go me!!!  
morelgirl

morelgirl

3
 

Self Control

Not the self control needed to keep from eating. Thanks to yesterday's fill, I'm currently honeymooning in the luxury resort of little food = long satiety. Yay me.   No, I'm talking about the self control it takes me to remove myself from a conversation with no constructive outcome. The self control it takes not to yell and scream and tear out my hair when someone exhibits just how widespread the stigmatization of the obese in our culture has gone. It's so accepted in our culture to hate obesity and the people who suffer from it,that we have successfully convinced the obese to hate themselves.   Personally, I hate being fat. I hate it so much that I underwent weight loss surgery in the hopes of becoming thin. But I spent enough years in therapy in the meantime to understand that the reason we hate obesity is the same reason why racists hate minorities and homophobes hate gays--because we are afraid of them, and afraid of what they tell us about ourselves. We have managed to convince ourselves that people with the disease of obesity (and yes, the National Association of Chronic Disease Doctors classifies it as a disease, as well as many experts in endocrinology and associated sciences) are entirely at fault for their own condition and should view them selves with the same condemnation and disgust and shame that our culture view them.   Do people who are overweight generally eat too much? Yes, but science is only beginning to understand that there are biological reasons WHY we eat too much, that there are disorders systems in our bodies (endocrine, neurological, etc) that do not react the same way that those in individuals without the disease react. There is something more wrong with an obese person than that they eat too much and move too little. If eating less and moving more were a real solution, no one would be fat, and WLS would not exist.   It makes me so angry and so emotionally hurt when people who struggle with obesity deny the idea that it is a disease, that it is not just a matter of being greedy and lazy and no damn good that makes us weigh too much, because if we agree with the rest of the world that we should hate ourselves, what hope for real happiness will we ever have, no matter how much weight we gain or lose?
morelgirl

morelgirl

4
 

The Breakfast Rant

Breakfast and I have never been friends. Then again, mornings and I are not on the best of terms either. I'm so not one of those people who get out of bed ready to face the world and any challenges that come at me. Rather, I get out of bed bitter, grumpy, semi-conscious, hostile, and mute. It takes a minimum of one cup of coffee before it's safe for anyone in the vicinity to approach me, let alone talk to me. If I attempt to eat sooner than at least 1 to 1-1/2 hours after I wake up, everything I swallow makes a return appearance. Before banding, I ate in the morning depending on craving, attitude, and general quirk of fate. Since being banded (while being compliant) I never eat breakfast.   I know all the "rules" about breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day. You need to restart your metabolism after your overnight fast or your body will go into starvation mode. Eating breakfast makes your metabolism work harder all day to burn more calories. People who skip breakfast usually eat more calories over the course of the day than people who eat it. I've heard it all more than once, but the key word (especially in the last bit) is "usually." In other words, it's not always the case.   Take me, for example. My normal routine is to wake up (reluctantly) about 8:30 or 9 (I love to sleep, and I work for myself, so I allow myself the luxury there). I shower, then stumble out into the house for a cup of coffee. Since I drink my coffee with cream (half and half, 20 calories worth, carefully measured), I try to limit myself to one cup. By 10, then, I'm usually ready to start my day. Generally, I get quite hungry by 12, so I begin fixing lunch and eat around 12:30. Then my tummy starts rumbling about 3 at the moment, since I need another fill. If it's not too terrible, I hold out til 4, when I have a small snack (cheese or something else protein rich). That keeps me until dinner around 6:30 or so. It's a system that works for me. I count all my calories and stick to my plan without issue.   Well, every once in a while I start questioning myself about whether I might really be doing this all wrong, and I decide to have breakfast to see if everyone else is right. Today I planned to up my calorie intake anyway, so I decided that it would be a good day to experiment with breakfast. I got up at 8:30 and went through my routine, but at 10 instead of just finishing my coffee, I was sitting down to a healthy breakfast of about 300 calories. I ate it, finished around 10:30, and since enough time had passed, it stayed down. It was yummy, so I enjoyed it, and it was almost entirely protein, so it should have kept me satisfied until around 1 pm. By 11:45 I was hungry again. At noon I was ready to gnaw my own arm off, and all day since I've been hungrier than usual and exerting all my self control not to eat more than my planned intake. Now this may be evidence that my metabolism is working faster due to breakfast, but to me it's not worth it. I can lose weight without the boost, and I do it without the misery of constant hunger that breakfast seems to cause in me.   Maybe that makes me a freak of some sort, but I've finally decided that what works for me is the most important thing.   That, and losing the weight, of course.
morelgirl

morelgirl

1
 

Putt-putt-puttering Along

Reality has set back in. For the first seven days after my last adjustment (first one in 6 months) I was in paradise. Scale kept dropping close to a lb per day. Yay! Thanks, Santa, that's just what I always wanted! Then there was the aberration of a 1 lb gain that I knew had to be bs, so I ignored it, checked my food log, and chalked it down to sodium. Since it was almost all off the next day, that's still my story and I'm sticking to it. Today, the scale just stayed still, so I'm exerting a lot of energy reminding myself that as long as I AVERAGE 1-2 lbs per week down, it's all good. I'm good. Everything is fine.   Can y'all hear me chanting, "Ohhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm?"   I know I can't expect any weight loss to be smooth and perfect and steady downward every time I get near a scale (but, oh, wouldn't that be wonderful?), but it's tough to remember that when my inner toddler is whining, "Are we there yet?" every five minutes. It also doesn't help when my inner b***h can't stop pointing out that if I hadn't taken all those months off and regained, I wouldn't now be facing the extreme frustration of trying to lose 10 lbs I had already lost. She's so annoying sometimes. Still, I am what and who I am and where I am, and I can't change that by looking backward, only by moving forward.   Went shopping today to stock up on lean protein and make sure I had enough variety in the house to keep from getting bored and cranky, which makes me want to break rules. No rule breaking here, just good healthy food and lots of protein (good thing I love chicken).   I know I can do this, especially since I have another appointment coming up in 5 days with the promise of another fill if I need it (oh, I do, I do, I swear I do!). I can no question hold out until then. And after that fill, I will be able to hold out until the next one. If I weren't strong enough for that, I wouldn't have come back with my tail between my legs a week ago. I'm here, I can do this, and I'm too danged stubborn and cussed to give up now.   So there!
morelgirl

morelgirl

1
 

Am I Hungry or Am I Hungary?

I'm actually fairly certain that I'm not a nation in central Eastern Europe, but beyond that, things start to get fuzzy. While I was off the bandwagon, I forgot all the rules about listening to my body and my band to determine what was hunger and what was head hunger. Actually, it would be more correct to say that I ignored all those rules, and now that I'm trying to pay attention again, I think my skills have rusted.   I'm not sure I was ever very good at really distinguishing between head hunger and real hunger, but at the moment, making that distinction seems harder than ever. Maybe it's because I was a slacker for so long, or maybe it's because during the coming ten days, making the distinction is going to be the difference between getting an additional fill at my next appointment and not getting one. I think the pressure is getting to me. I'm back on solids today and trying to tell how long one of my small meals is really lasting me, and I'm having trouble deciding. I know the only thing to do is to track my calories, get all my protein and keep at it, but that isn't actually helping my confusion.   For now, I think I'll just eat my meals and wait for my stomach to growl and know that does mean I'm hungry.   And maybe I'll learn what a soft stop is before I hit my 10 year bandiversary. :-)
morelgirl

morelgirl

1
 

Back to Work

So I made a couple of forums posts that explained what happened to me, so I won't rehash it. Suffice it to say that frustration both psychological and financial made me give up on my band for the past 6 months, but on Wednesday, I got my first fill since August of last year. It brought me up to 9 cc in my 11cc band, which still scares me a bit, but this is what's happened so far...   I spent Wednesday and Thursday on liquids, progressing to a thick puréed black bean soup last night for dinner. Today I'm going a stage further having the rest of the black bean soup for lunch without the purée-ing. It's still extremely soft and barely more textured than a purée, but I wanted the practice of chewing something slowly and thoroughly to get me back in practice. Plus, it's easier for me to remember to wait between bites when there's actually something to bite onto, even if it's a mushy black bean. Getting back into the habits necessary to live with the band is big for me, since I haven't used them in months.   The weirdest thing happened during lunch, though. Eating slowly and chewing bites, I ate 1/2 a cup of soup with sour cream on top and stopped. I'm trying to listen HARD to the band, and after 1/2 a cup, it told me I was satisfied. How weird is that? I don't know if I'll be hungry again in an hour, but if I am, I still have the leftovers (every last calorie allowed and accounted for) to eat to make the hunger go away. I don't know if I've actually ached restriction and am trying to remember that I won't know for potentially a week or two after the fill. But I also know that I have a follow up appointment in 12 days and a new doctor who is more than willing to do whatever it takes to get my fill right and get me to the sweet spot I'm still searching for. So, you know what? It's all good. I'm good, and I'll only get better.
morelgirl

morelgirl

3
 

Finally Hit It!!!

Yay! I finally hit my first self-imposed goal: 25 lbs down!!! WooHOO! (******cue dancing poodles and waving sparklers******)   Tomorrow will mark 3 months of being banded (surgery was Feb 1st), and in that time (well, including pre-surgery liquid diet) I have lost 25 lbs. Forgive me for repeating myself so often, but this is big for me. I think one of the reasons I set my first goal as one that would take some time to accomplish was because I needed hard evidence that this "band thing" could actually work for me, that I might finally have found a way to lose the weight I've been battling for as long as I can remember (I was a normal kid until I started school at age 5... I don't remember what it feels like not to be heavy). Trust me, I've been on every diet on earth, and I've always been able to lose a little weight, but it was always a slow, hard battle and it always seemed to take forever to see results, so I needed to set myself a goal that would be a "real" loss, not just the 5 or 10 or even 15 lbs I've lost so many times before. Been there, done that, gained it back plus some, not impressed. With 25 lbs, I'm finally impressed.   Dieting has been part of my life since I was 9 years old. In that time, I can't count the number of pounds I've lost and regained (and gained and gained). Also in that time I've tried every diet in creation, and let me tell you, they've all of them had one thing in common: they sucked! All of them felt like a constant battle, pitting me and my willpower again my hunger and my love of flavor (I would say love of food, but in this case I'm really not talking about food as comfort or emotional band-aid, but as a pleasurable sensory experience). Every time I've dieted, I've felt miserable and constantly walking a tightrope over the canyon of all the things I wasn't allowed to eat. In the past, keeping myself limited to 1500 calories a day felt like absolute torture. Seriously, it should have been covered by the Geneva convention.   But with the band that's all different. I eat between 800-1200 calories a day (usually around 1000) and I'm only hungry when it's actually time for a meal or a snack. I enjoy everything I eat, but I'm able to stop myself when I've either had my allotted portion or I'm feeling satisfied. I'm able to eat things that truly give me pleasure and stay in control so I don't overdo it. I just can't describe what an amazing feeling that it. It just rocks.   The band has changed my life in so many ways that can only be called positive. I finally have hope... no, I finally have confidence that I can and will take off this burdensome weight. I might not be one of those people who loses every excess pound within the first 6 or 9 or even 12 months, but now I know that it will come off. Let me sit with that for a minute, because that's huge. This is the first time in my life I've ever been able to say that and really mean it. That makes my heart swell with happiness. I can do this now, with the help of my band.   I can and I will.   So, my next goal is a little one: 5 more lbs for 30 lbs total. It's a small one because it will encompass 2 accomplishments in one shot. First, it will be the most I've lost in one attempt in my adult life, and second, it will put me back in onederland, 2 things I've been hoping for for a long time. Plus, hey, 30 lbs is a great round number. I can hardly wait.   Even better, I know I won't be waiting long.
morelgirl

morelgirl

3
 

Back On The Chain Gang

Not that following the rules of being banded is the equivalent of being on a chain gang (face it, it's not hard physical labor, just a good mental work out) but I've always loved the Pretenders. I mean, how cool is Chrissie Hynde?   I got myself back on track as of Tuesday, and I've had a few good days this week. Of course, I'm also back to weighing myself obsessively (give and take, I suppose), so I'm trying to remember that it's normal for weight to fluctuate day-to-day, so having the scale go down steadily for a couple of days then be up a bit today is not really a sign of the coming apocalypse. Nor is it any reason to quit doing what I'm doing.   Put down the chips, ma'am. Step away from the chips.   Overall, I'm feeling pretty good. Since I just had my last dress fitting for my BFF's wedding, I could definitely be feeling worse. Do I love the way I look in my dress? No. It's okay. It's a good style for my body type and the color is really nice for me, but in my mind, I won't look good in a dress for at least another 30 lbs. But, I do like that I don't have to worry about whether or not I can wear it again, since by the next time I have an occasion for a really nice dress, it ought to be way too big for me. That keeps me feeling pretty positive. It's the little things, right?   So things are pretty good. The wedding is one week from tomorrow, meaning that's one level of stress I get to shed. I just need to take one day at a time, especially while the BFF is away on her honeymoon, since that's someone who can't hold me accountable during that time. I'll need to do the heavy lifting myself. But you know what, I've built up some fairly big bandster muscles over the last 3 months. I'm pretty sure I got this.
morelgirl

morelgirl

0
 

If I Know It's My Fault, Why Is It So Hard To Fix?

Today, I'm buckling down, because I've completely stopped losing. In fact, over the past month, I've gained 0.6 lbs. Now, part of me is celebrating and praising my band that I've ONLY gained about half a pound when I have been doing nothing right and totally slacking off this process of being banded, but the other half of me is kicking itself repeatedly in the head and screaming that I'm a #&*%#$%! idiot for paying thousands of dollars for surgery if I'm not going to follow the program that goes along with it.   Remember Logical Me and Emotional Me? Yeah, they're at it again.   It's been a rough few weeks, and instead of buckling down and meeting the challenge, I let myself fall back into old habits. My excuses ranged from a deadline for work, through a long-planned (since well before banding) out of town girl's weekend that included much wine and some fabulous food, through the stress of helping my BFF with her wedding (happening in 11 days) prep. The truth is that life is always going to throw stuff like this into my path, and while I may not have dealt with it well this time, that's no reason to give up or to expect to deal with it poorly next time. Every minute is a chance to start over, or to at least get back on track, so that's what I'm going to do.   Of course, I could have been a lot worse, and remembering that is helping me pick myself back up. I'm definitely still eating less than I would have pre-band, but I've allowed myself to slack off on paying attention to my physical hunger as opposed to my head hunger, so that's today's number one priority. Along with getting back to drinking my water. All the fundamentals, as it were. I've already made it through breakfast and lunch successfully, counting my chews, spacing out my bites, and taking at least 20 minutes to eat. I also have a plan in place for dinner, so I'm cautiously optimistic.   I think the important thing to remember is that I am in control of this process. When I follow the rules, I will lose weight; when I don't, I won't. It's really that simple. The power is in my hands. Time to use it for good instead of evil.
morelgirl

morelgirl

1
 

Exhaustion = Philosophy***

Feeling so tired today, and I'm not sure why, so I might just decide to blame the weather. Yesterday was beautiful, but today it's back to Spring in the PacNW. Translation = Cool and Rainy.   So I was out of touch for a couple of weeks there. Nothing horrible happened, but I had a work deadline that butted right up against a trip out of town, so I was a bit preoccupied and not spending much time on the forums or even online in general. I did learn something, though, that has made me both happy and totally surprised: So far, having the band has meant that even when I get incredibly stressed and stop paying super-close attention to what and how I'm eating, I still don't go back to my old habits. At least not totally. Before the band, a work deadline combined with a couple of weeks of stress would have meant an automatic 5 lb gain or more. This time, not so much. I pretty much stayed the same overall. It's still sinking in, really, because it's such a foreign concept to me. I mean, intellectually I knew from the beginning that getting the band would mean a permanent lifestyle change, but it's still weird to me to see concrete evidence of that.   Or maybe that's just me.   On Tuesday, I got my third fill, bringing me up to 6.5cc in my 11cc band. I'm still not feeling restriction, but I'm hoping I'm just one of those people who needs a little time for the fill to settle in. I keep expecting to hit restriction and have to start eliminating items from my diet, but so far I can eat anything and everything, including bread, pasta, rice, beef, and raw veggies. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I mean, I don't want to have to give up foods, but it makes me feel like something less than a "real" bandster for some reason. I mean, part of why I got the band was so that I could change not what I ate but how much I ate, but it's weird to hear all the stories about how people with bands absolutely canNOT eat certain foods and know that I have no issues with them. I keep waiting for it to change, but will it? And if it doesn't, am I still a bandster?   *sigh* Like I said, I'm tired and philosophical today. Maybe I should just go have a nap now...     ***Apologies for the rambling. I really do need more sleep.
morelgirl

morelgirl

0
 

That's Not Real Food

So one of the things I'm still working on figuring out nearly 8 weeks after banding is what foods are worth it for me to eat. This is a new equation in my life. Before banding, I just ate. Half the time I didn't think about what I was putting in my mouth (if I did, I would have lived in a state of perpetual self-disgust) and the other half, I just didn't care. I was already fat and unhealthy, so why stress about the food that was making me that way? Clearly, I was eating too many calories, but now I'm realizing that the amount of calories I was eating may have mattered less than whether those calories were worth eating.   What I mean by that is that as I make better, more sensible food choices, it is becoming clearer to me that "real food" is much more satisfying than the alternatives. "Real food" is a hot topic these days. You can find whole books about it in your local bookstore, whole pages of books on the topic, if you cruise through Amazon. For my purposes, though, when I talk about real food, I'm referring to anything that isn't processed or prepackaged. Things like eggs (pasture raised, please), meat (ditto), milk (three for three), vegetables (organic, please), fruits (yuppers), and grains (certainly in the "o" column). To many, my obsession with organics and pasture-raised animals may make me a snob or a hippie, but I'm okay with that. Even before banding, I preferred to choose those foods when possible, but now I'm realizing that the alternatives aren't worth it.   I try to keep my calories at somewhere around 1000/day. I say around, because there are days I eat 850 and days I eat 1400. Mostly, I average between 1000 and 1100. Before banding, I could get 1000 calories having coffee, a piece of toast, and a single fast food sandwich, and then everything else I ate that day would be those excess calories that made me fat. Theoretically, even with the band, I could still make those food choices, but now they're just not worth it to me. Today, I would say that most of that food isn't real food, and therefore, I'd rather not eat it.   This morning, I had toast and coffee for breakfast. Not the bandster's first choice, perhaps, but I find I can't eat anything too rich or too heavy in the morning without severe nausea and potential for vomiting (I've always been that way, even before banding). The difference here is that the coffee was made with real raw sugar (half a teaspoon) and organic, pasture raised half-and-half. One tablespoon of that. For a total of 37 calories. The toast was a thin slice of home-baked bread (made last night from organic flour and natural ingredients) with a teaspoon of pasture raised butter. Low in protein, but I'll have meat for lunch and dinner, so I'll have no trouble meeting my protein goal for the day. So far for the day, I've had 137 calories, less than 15% of my allowance for the day, and every single one of those calories was totally worth it. They all tasted good, none of them cost the environment more than necessary, and all of them allowed me to live with my band while feeling content and satisfied. If I'd tweaked that just a little, gotten a small nonfat latte and a bagel with non-fat cream cheese from Starbucks, for example, I'd have eaten 500 calories of food that wasn't really worth it to me. Even if the band had stopped me at half the bagel, that would still have been 250 calories (113 more than I actually ate). It would have contained less fat, but also less satisfaction and it wouldn't have tasted as good. To me, the unprocessed "real food" I ate at home was a better, healthier choice and worked with my band.   True, a lot of bandsters would tell me I should have had Greek yogurt instead. Or maybe a scrambled egg. There are days when I do that, but here's my confession: I love bread. Love it. It is my favorite of all foods. I adore it more than ice cream (meh) or potato chips (one of my trigger foods and a life-long addiction for me). Give me a choice between a handful of chocolate and a piece of fresh baked bread (home-made or from a real bakery) and I will go for the bread 9-1/2 times out of 10. My brother and sister-in-law are gluten intolerant, and have cut all products containing wheat out of their diets. I'd rather cut off my own arm. Seriously, I can't live without bread. Which could be a problem for a bandster, both because of the low protein/high carb nature of bread, and because the texture of bread can have trouble passing through the band. But here's the thing. "Real" bread (the kind from the bakery or from my very own oven) passes through the band pretty well. It has fiber and texture and it tastes so good, that it's worth it to me to take small bites, chew slowly, and get it through the band. Pre-sliced generic white sandwich bread? Not real food and definitely not worth it. Also lower in fiber, higher in sugar, stickier in texture, full of chemicals, AND higher in calories. Clearly the unhealthy choice. As a bandster, I have had to reshape my priorities. Homemade bread is a priority; processed, pre-sliced bread is not.   It's all about priorities.   And balance. For breakfast today, I had a carb-heavy, protein-light meal. For lunch, I will have a couple of slices of roast chicken (heritage breed, pasture raised) and some veggies. Or maybe a small serving a chili with pastured ground beef. The meat cost a lot more than the supermarket alternatives, but it was locally and sustainable raised and frankly, it tastes so much better that I don't feel deprived from eating only 2-3oz of it as a time. It's so full of flavor that 2oz feels more like a meal than 6oz or the alternative. For dinner, there's either the chicken or some leftovers from an organic rabbit I stewed over the weekend in red wine and prunes. And more veggies. So worth every single calorie and so, soooooooooo satisfying.   One of the reasons I got the band and not another procedure like bypass was because I wanted to be able to eat and enjoy real food, I just wanted to eat less of it. I didn't want to give up my bread (obviously) or my chocolate or my steak. I wanted a smaller slice, nibble, or cut. I'm doing that with the help of the band, and because I'm choosing real food, I'm doing it with happy tastebuds and a smile on my face.     ------ I hope no one interprets this as a lecture, or me claiming to be better than anyone else. My priorities are my own. I happen to live in an area where organic, pasture raised foods are easily accessible. They're sold at my local groceries and at the weekend farmer's market in my town, less than 5 miles from my house. I also only have myself to feed and worry about. I'm not trying to budget to feed myself, a husband and three kids, let alone saving for college, paying for daycare, or providing clothes to cover bodies that seem to double in size every few months. My animals and myself are the only things I have to spend my money on, so it's easy for me to justify funding my environmental and health agenda. Everyone has to do the best they can with what they have, and no one--least of all me--should fault them for it. Make your own priorities, and then live by them. I hope it brings you the same satisfaction it brings me.
morelgirl

morelgirl

2
 

Fill 'er Up!

Just got back from having my second fill. This time I know better than to try to predict how it will work until it's had time to settle in. Of course I didn't notice any immediate difference (unless you count belching a couple of times within a few minutes of leaving the office, and with the way I belch after being banded, I put no store in that), but I know it will take time for the stomach to adjust to the additional pressure in the band, so for now, I'm just in waiting mode. Waiting and liquids mode today. Waiting and mushies mode tomorrow.   Apparently, I am totally average so far according to my surgeon. He said most people lose 3-4 lbs per month the first couple of months until they get a sufficient level of fill. Yup, I'm right there. I told him that unless I ate a cup or more at a time, I was hungry within 2 hours of eating. Totally normal. And I also mentioned that the first fill actually seemed to make a difference for the first week or so, then the noticeable effect went away. Again, that's normal. Good to know that I'm not somehow an oddball for my experiences so far.   He gave me the option of choosing between 3 levels of fill: Aggressive = adding 3cc; Moderate = Adding 2.5cc; or Conservative = Adding 2cc. I went with moderate, which brought my total fill up to 5.5cc in an 11cc Realize band. Aside from my anal retentive soul liking the idea of being at exactly half-full, I also felt this was the right decision at this time. Part of me really wanted to go with the aggressive fill, because, hey, it's not like I don't want to lose as much weight as possible as fast as possible, but the larger part of me thinks that if I can make this journey without ever experiencing a stuck episode or the joys of PBing, that would be just fine with me. Also, I'm a bit of a wuss about stomach discomfort; to me, vomiting is the most horrifying experience in the human repertoire, and I dread it for more reasons that just not wanting my band to slip. I'd rather go through just about any type of illness than have to vomit. I mean that. So the idea of going slowly seems to make sense to me. I knew I didn't want to be super conservative, because I get uber-frustrated when I don't lose, but since my surgeon is fine with filling every 3 weeks, I figured I could do 2.5 until then and see where it takes me.   Fingers crossed. In the meantime, I'm going to go make some soup and pay an inordinate amount of attention to any and every sensation between my neck and my belly button.   Because I'm obsessive like that. Duh!
morelgirl

morelgirl

2
 

Almost Like I Was Banded!

Well, I finally did it! I finally lost an amount of weight in one week that didn't show up on the scale as 0.something or 1.something. This week, I lost 2.8 lbs!!! (Picture me doing a happy dance here. It involves sparkles. And trained poodles.)   This feels almost like I've got a lap band. It's hard sometimes to read about how fast other people are losing weight when I've been losing mostly a pound a week, if I'm lucky. 2.8 brings me real satisfaction. Even if it doesn't happen like this every week, getting a result like this at least every once in a while is like a shot of inspiration. I can take this and run with it. GO ME!!!
morelgirl

morelgirl

5
 

Water, Water Everywhere

The excitement of the moment is that I will be getting my fence fixed! Yay! In a remarkable stroke of luck, I got a phone call last week from a detective with the local police department (this was entirely different from the department that took my report of the fence damage...since I live outside the incorporated city limits, the sheriff's department had jurisdiction over my report). It turns out that she was in the neighborhood the morning of the incident and actually SAW a tow truck hit my fence, tear it down, then turn and flee the scene. Since she was out of jurisdiction, she didn't stop them, but she made note of the name of the towing company and tracked down their phone number. When she called them and explained that the driver could be arrested because he hadn't stopped to exchange info or report the hit and run, suddenly the company was happy to contact me and arrange to pay for the fence repair. So next week, I'll have the fencing company out to replace nearly 40 ft of damaged fence. Woohoo!   Other than that, I'm mostly holding my breath. My daily weigh-ins seem very promising this week, but I'm scared to believe it yet. I haven't been doing anythig really differently than I have over the last 2 weeks, when I began varying my calorie intake daily. Actually, that's not quite true. The one thing I've altered a little bit is that I've been much better about drinking water since my last weigh-in. I still don't drink nearly the amounts you hear recommended (2/3 of your body weight in ounces??? I'd end up drowning myself!!!), but I've been getting in a minimum of 8 glasses of fluid and guaranteeing that at least 6 of them are pure water. So maybe that's actually helping? I've heard people before swear up and down that drinking water can help you lose weight, but I guess I'm just stubborn and hadn't really paid attention to it before. Silly me.   Anyway, official weigh-in is on Wednesday, and I've got my fingers crossed that the number on the scale from this morning either holds steady or continues to drop. We'll see!
morelgirl

morelgirl

0
 

Can't You Just Be Happy For 5 Minutes?!?!?

Well, yesterday I was. I was happy for 5 minutes. Maybe 7. I didn't time it (though now I think maybe I should have).   I had my weekly weigh in, and for the first time since the week after surgery, I actually lost 1 whole pound. Plus. I lost 1.8 lbs. Yippee! That's like a normal weight loss, right? That means I really CAN lose 1-2 lbs per week just like the surgeon told me. I can be a real bandster! I can lose this *#$#&$%@! weight in less than 5 years! I can do it! I ROOOOCCCCCKKKKKKK!   Then I remembered that I lost 0 last week. Zero. Zilch. Goose eggs. The big nothing. Which meant that my mind automatically did the math (I hate when it does that. I hate math.) and calculated that this fact brought my average down to 0.9 lbs for those 2 weeks.   Yup, less than a pound a week.   Cue 3-year-old temper tantrum. It was a thing of beauty. Seriously. I scared the dogs.   At this point, I'm seriously considering adding lithium to my list of supplements. These mood swings can't be healthy. Yesterday, I let my annoyance guide my eating (but I still tracked it all). Today, I'm back to sanity (or my version of it) and reminding myself that I get a fill next week. My second fill. One that will hopefully bring me that much closer to restriction. I want it so bad I can taste it, and it tastes like skinny.
morelgirl

morelgirl

2
 

Quick And Dirty

This is a quick update because things are fairly status quo at the moment. It was a crazy weekend punctuated by the pain of having to go and order my dress for my bff's May wedding. Let me tell you, there's nothing in the world that can slam a new bandster back down to earth like trying on satin dresses in a bridal shop in front of about 97 million mirrors. I mean, I'm doing well, but I've only been banded 6 weeks and am not at restriction yet, so I've lost only a tiny fraction of what I need to. Clothes shopping is still painful. I had picked out the dress ahead of time from photos based on the style, which is one that would generally be quite flattering on me, and since I'm the only bridesmaid, I could have any dress I wanted. I had it in my head that I wanted to buy something that I really loved so I could wear it again and get some use out of it, but when I tried it on, it was really more of a "meh" moment. I liked it fine as a MOH dress, but I didn't love it, which was really disappointing. Then the bff saved the day by reminding me that even if I did buy something I really adored, the chances of my being able to wear it again were pretty slim because in a few months, it wouldn't fit anymore!!! Wow, did that totally change my prespective. Suddenly, all was well again and the dress got ordered.   Then this week started out with a bang. Literally. I live on a corner lot which is entirely fenced in three sections, thank goodness. the back yard is separated from the front and side yards and is where the dogs go out to play. The front and the side are more for show with nice plants and stuff (it was landscaped by the previous owners...I have a black thumb for anything except herbs). Well, sometime between 9 am and 11 am yesterday, some a#$@!%)$ took the corner too tight (frankly, based on the look of it, they HAD to have been under the influence of something) and destroyed about 30-40 feet of my fencing in the side yard. Uprooted 4 posts from their concrete moorings and everything. And then just drove off. Leaving me with a huge mess and no chance of compensation for the damage. If anyone had seen the car and given the police a lead, I'd be able to make a claim against the owner's car insurance, but no such luck. I could claim it on my homeowner's insurance, but based on my deductible and the fact that the claim would sit on my policy for the next 5 years, I'm better off just eating the cost. This makes me less than happy.   The only bright spot at the moment is that I think I might actually have a real loss this week (fingers crossed). This is based on my daily unofficial weigh-ins. Tomorrow is the real thing, so today I will be watching my salt intake and trying to be extra mindful so that I can maintain any loss I've had long enough to record it tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me, please. I'm kinda sick on losing less than a pound per week.   So that's what's going on and why I haven't posted more the last few days. Trust me, if I have a decent loss, I WILL be posting again tomorrow.
morelgirl

morelgirl

1
 

Rambles

Not the healthy kind, mind you, that involve long walks over varied terrain where you can breathe the fresh air and move your muscles all in the embrace of nature's beauty. No, I'm referring to the kind of rambles where I attempt to disguise the fact that I have nothing new to say, but feel the need to vent the same old whining on you poor people yet again. Feel free to ignore me. I ignore me half the time.   1) This has not been a good week, loss wise. Despite getting my first fill a week ago today on 2/29, I do not have restriction. Well, barely any. I am able to eat way too much (though admittedly exponentially less than before the band) and my scale is showing me the un-love by reusing to creep downward. If I'm lucky and my daily spot checks are accurate, I can expect to either stay the same, gain a few ounces, or lose at most 0.2 lb when I officially weight in tonight. I find this very discouraging.   2) I made an appointment to return to my dr for another fill as soon as my three week waiting period is up. 3/23 will be fill number two, and I have my fingers crossed that this will give me at least a little restriction. Well, I should be honest. I think I do have a teensy-tinesy bit of restriction now, because I do notice that I stay full longer after eating than I did before my first fill, but I can still eat a cup or more of food at a time, easily, and that's too much. I also have had no trouble eating anything I've attempted from bread, to pasta, to rice, to chicken breast. It all goes down. I need more help here.   3) I'm struggling really hard to keep all of this in perspective and not have a hissy fit over how much weight I'm not losing at the moment. When I see posts form people who've lost 25 lbs since surgery without even a single fill, it takes me a minute to climb down from the clocktower and stow away my rifle. I know it's not helpful to compare myself to others. Everyone is different. Everyone loses at their own pace. I myself have a whacked out metabolism. I know this, and I get a reminder of it everytime I take a dose of sinus medicine or a sleeping pill, because even if I halve the regular dose, it take at least 36 hours for me to work that stuff out of my system. I also have PCOS, which I know makes weight loss slower for most people. but damn it, I want to be losing! That's why I payed for this dratted surgery and went through the process of being knocked out, cut open, and banded. I want the loss. NOW. *picture me stamping my foot and sticking out my lower lip like a three year old being sent to bed early*   4) Last night was my first social special event since being banded. My housemate's coworkers threw her a wedding shower, to which I was invited. I enjoyed attending, but I did overdo a bit on the food. Not horrible (I only went about 70 calories over my high calorie goal for the day) but I still felt like a bit of a failure. I was able to limit myself to 1/2 a glass of wine and 2 buffalo chicken niblets, but someone had made spinach artichoke dip, and I'm a sucker for that stuff. I mean, it calls to me in the seductive tones of a stubbled, sweaty, banged up hockey player (did I mention I looooooooooove hockey? and hockey players... it's a sickness) whispering in my delicate shell of an ear about love and passion and eternal bliss. I ate about a quarter cup of it with crackers and chips. And a few strawberries. And about a teaspoon of brie. And part of a pinwheel wrap. And three bites of cake. Lord help me. I know I should be keeping in mind that I ate a LOT less than I would have pre-band, but my mind just wants to linger on the things I did wrong instead of the things I did right. I hate that.   So anywho, like I said nothing I've said here is new or earth shattering, but I have a little bitty problem with patience. Not standing in line patience, or waiting for a package to come patience, but patience with myself when I think I should be reaching a goal. At the moment, my goal is to get back under 200 before my birthday (4/22) and I'm starting to wonder if I'll make it. Trust me, I'll keep making the old college try, but at the moment, I could use a little encouragement.   (Hear that, Mr Scale? Throw me a bone, why don't you????)
morelgirl

morelgirl

3
 

Off Site Blog

To anyone who might be interested, I've started a band blog off of LBT. The link is here: http://themagicminimushroom.blogspot.com/   Posts may or may not overlap here and there (they do not at the moment), but I think I probably have enough rants to be okay with both at the moment.
morelgirl

morelgirl

0
 

Am I Really Going To Have To Be Adult About This?

Seriously, there are times when I totally resent having to be a grown up, especially about things I want but am not getting. Those are the times when I want to throw myself down on the floor and have a kicking, wailing, punching, sobbing fit worthy of a sugar-crashing three-year-old. And I could do it. Trust me. I could rock the #$&% out of that. RIght now, I'd like to give in, but instead, I'm just going to whine and trust that if you don't want to hear it, you all know where to find your "back" buttons.   I think I'm going to have to resign myself to being a "slow loser."   Sheesh, even the term makes me want to gnash my teeth and curse creatively. Really, I still cling to hope that I'm wrong about this and that at some point, something will click in my stubborn little (I mean that metaphorically) body and the pounds will start to drop off at the rate of several lbs per week, but I have the sick, sad feeling that I shouldn't hold my breath about that.   Offically, I weigh myself once per week, every Wednesday night. That's the weight I record on my ticker and in MFP, and in my brain, that's the weight I attach to myself. I am what the scale says I am on Wednesday nights. However, that doesn't stop me from weighing in every day or two just to check myself. Or to obsess about my weight; however you want to look at it. Before I had my first fill, it was wasy to blame my eensy-weensy incremental losses on bandster hell. To even be happy (to a small extent) at not having gained. After my fill last week, though, I'm running out of excuses. I'm not so restricted that I can't eat every food I've tried (haven't tried white bread) including rice, pasta, and chicken breast. But, while I can eat what I want, I find myself filling up on a cup of food or so and staying full for 4-5 hours after a meal. From what I've read, that should mean I'm at least close to an appropriate fill. Doesn't that mean I should start really losing now?   I'd like to think so, but in the last 5 days, the scale has gone up 0.4 lbs and now down 0.6 lbs, leaving me only 0.2 lbs below my last week's weight. 0.2 lbs? Seriously? Is that all I can expect to lose in a week? Less than 1 lb? How can I lose less than 1 lb when I'm averaging 1000 calories a day, not eating junk, eating my protein first, and not filling up on hi-calorie, low-nutrient sliders? If I'm following the rules, I want to see results, damn it!!! I deserve it!!!   Yes, yes, Logical Me realizes that any loss is a step in the right direction and that the goal is to lose slowly and steadily while maintaining my health and my sanity. Well, my health seems assured, but I can't vouch for my sanity. I mean, seriously. This is going to drive me bonkers.   My surgeon will allow me to return for another fill in 2-1/2 weeks, and at the moment I'm planning on doing that because I don't think I can deal with losing less that 1 lb per week. I think that might kill me. Or cause me to kill someone else, and really, prison jumpsuit orange would totally make me look sallow.
morelgirl

morelgirl

4
 

Fill, Full, Feel And Other F Words

A little over 24 hours since Fill #1, so anything I say here is speculative at best and ridiculous at worst. Good thing ridiculous has never stopped me.   My surgeon instructed me to stick to liquids for my first meal after the fill, but said that I could progress to mushies after that and back up to soft solids and then solids as soon as it felt comfortable. I'm assuming I still have some swelling, but no discomfort at all. Having liquids yesterday was touch and go. I felt full quickly at lunch (my liquid 1st meal), but it didn't last more than a couple of hours. I went to mushies for dinner and had no problem getting anything down, but I did notice that the more substantial meal stuck with me a loooong time. I ate at about 4 PM (because I was starving after my liquid lunch) and was still not hungry when I went to bed at 10 PM (yes, I live like an old woman at 36. Sue me ) That was great!   Today, I had a poached egg for breakfast and was good for about 4 hours. My lunch was tuna salad and it really filled me up! I ate about the same amount I was eating before the fill (about 1/2 cup) and I can totally notice the difference in satiety. Before the fill, that amount would end my hunger, but the reason I stopped eating was because the food was gone, not because I felt physically full or satisfied. After the fill, I feel full off the same amount of food. Not stuffed or uncomfortable but full, as if I would choose to turn down more food if it were offered (and free of calories!). It's a delightful feeling, because it tells me my band is really there! And it's working!   I wouldn't call what I feel "restriction" per se, because I don't feel anything unusual going down, and nothing is having any trouble sliding through, but like I said, I feel full off smaller amounts of food. Maybe that's what restriction is supposed to be? It could be that I've been misunderstanding the term all along. And it could also be that it's not really my band making me full but that residual swelling from the fill. Doesn't really matter to me at the moment, because either way, it's working. If this feeling fades in a couple of days or a couple of weeks as the swelling goes down, I can go back for a second fill in 3 weeks. Yay!   I'm on my way, kids, and nothing can stop me now!
morelgirl

morelgirl

3
 

Wish Fulfillment!

Yay! I got my first fill this morning! I'm so happy, it's ridiculous. Even if I don't reach restriction from this fill, at least I now know that this journey has really started and is really progressing, and as long as I do the work, I can expect to get results. I can't even describe how that feels. It's euphoric!   Even though my surgeon had indicated I would likely have a fill at this appointment (4 weeks post-op), I still had paranoia that it might not happen. I'm just that kind of girl--a worrywort! Well, when the nurse escorted me into the exam room, I saw all the accoutrements of a fill already laid out for the doctor, and that soooo made me happy. Never have the sight of needle, syringe, and alcohol swabs given me such a thrill! When the surgeon came in, he asked me if I was on soft solids yet (which I am) and if I wanted my first fill. I don't think he even got to finish the question before I was shouting my "YES!"   It turns out that my surgeon does his fills by feel--no barium swallows or flouroscopy. He had me lay back on the exam table and lift my head in a mini-crunch while he located the port. Then came the needle. Now, I'm on the fence about needles; they don't totally freak me out, but I don't love them, either, so it was a little odd for me when, after the initial stick, he spent maybe 15 seconds wigglnig the thing around to get it in precisely the right spot. I can't say it was totally comfortable, but I can't say it was painful, either. It was just a weird sensation. Once the needle was in place, he started the injection, backed it up to be sure it was correctly entering the system, then completed the fill. The whole appointment was like 5 minutes (with another 40 minutes spent completing my form, waiting, weighing in, and getting my vitals checked). After the fill, he gave me a small cup of water to drink and said I could come in after 3 weeks if I felt I needed more restriction.   The fill itself consisted of 3.0 cc of fluid. That made me quite happy, since I dreaded getting only 1 cc at a time. The surgeon claims that most patients feel restriction between 3 cc and 8 cc. Right now, I'm not entirey certain what I feel, since I've been instructed to have my first post-fill meal as liquid, then progress slowly back through the stages until I'm on solid foods. The water at the dr's office went down with no issues, so I felt a little worry that I might not have any restriction at all. When I got home, I had a protein drink for lunch, and it took me 45 minutes to drink the 8 oz. I didn't have any trouble with it at all, but I thought I could feel it going down in a way I hadn't before. Whether that's restriction or just swelling, I guess we'll see, but I'm feeling fairly optimistic. And full off just liquid, which is nice. Hopefully that will continue.   Anyway, that's my first fill experience. I'm crossing my fingers that the band kicks in and starts holding up its part of this bargain, since I only lost 3.4 lbs since my last dr's visit.
morelgirl

morelgirl

2
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