One of the most talked about subjects you learn of when going through weight loss counseling is the difference between real (physical) and psychological (head) hunger. What's the difference? "When I'm hungry I'm hungry and that is all that matters"...I know that's how I felt (and occasionally feel), I'm sure many of you feel the same way.
Well, it turns out there is a difference, and surprisingly one is much harder to control than the other. Physical hunger ( I associate it with stomach growling) only happens to me about twice a day and it's technically remedied with anything from a piece of fruit to a big glass of water. Honestly, when I reach the point of true physical hunger I don't like eating greasy or fast food because it makes me nauseated (this is the correct way to use this word; read a book!).
When I am "head" hungry I find it really hard to think about anything besides eating. At work, school, or home it doesn't really matter what I'm doing or where I'm at all I want to do is eat. Now, does that mean i think about eating 24x7? No. But it means that when that psychological hunger DOES hit (usually for me around 12 noon and 8pm at night) it's really hard to focus on anything else. Now, like many heavy people, I have not always been obese. When I was in shape I still used to have these cravings, everyone does. Except when you are fit, the cravings are called "hankerings" or "in the mood for's". When you are large, the cravings are called "Eternal God Masters of chicken nuggets" (or whatever your poison is.. for me it's the mighty McNugget). Basically the cravings start to run your life. You know you are making bad choices (with the internet access and the focus on our country's health, how can you be totally oblivious to what is healthy and what isn't?) yet you make them anyways because the pleasure your brain has associated with the flavors of fast food, junk food, cola, etc. is so powerful you simply don't care. *
All that being said, today was a small victory for me and a big one for will power and truth/justice/americanwaysoforthandsoon.. As you can see by my weight loss calculator I am down 12 lbs. since starting my pre-op diet. Not bad at all. I've also been hitting the gym lately trying to gear myself up for daily life after the surgery. So today at work I decided walk across the street to Wendy's to get lunch. I don't know if it was the good weather, the confidence from losing weight or the desire to not lose my parking space... but I was determined to walk. The walk itself was easy enough, but the funny thing is ... when I left the building I was going on full head hunger... I was still feeling good from my Atkins shake this morning and more than anything just wanted something to get the NutraSweet taste out of my mouth. By the time I returned from Wendy's with my Chicken Caesar salad in tow... I was starving (physically). The simple act of walking 1/2 a mile to the store and back had built up enough physical hunger for me to actually need to eat. Score one for my side! I can't describe how good I felt upon return. Instead of sitting down with my usual baconator and a side of shame, I sat down with my salad and a side of triumph.
* Now I must say as a disclaimer for now and in all future blogs that even though I say "you" I really mean "me". I can only speak for myself... I know plenty of folks are born with genetics that contribute to being large, or thyroid problems, etc. but for me... its pretty much just a love of crappy (albeit delicious food).
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I have...at least that's how it feels right now, but at least I have my band. Surgery took about an hour, no hernia to fix and I'm told my liver was shrunk nicely. Also, I hit my pre op weight loss goal of 20 lbs., score! I cant say I'm digging the soreness right now, but i will say there is no way I'm going back to fast food after this; its not worth the pain.
In 24 hours I'll be banded...queue Europe's "The Final Countdown". I can't believe it's finally here. I remember the first time I seriously considered the band, last May at my son's little league pool party. One of his coaches (whom I considered to be a "guys" guy) told me he'd had the band for about a year and was loving it. Loving the time he was able to be more active in his son's life, the ability to get more out of life, how it brought him closer to his spouse, and I just remember thinking "if I would just swallow my pride and accept I needed help with my weight, I could be a lot happier".
You see, my wife was already planning her lap band at this time and I fully supported her decision to get healthy and reclaim her life, but up until this point I had pretty much resigned myself to being a "fat" dad... the one who was a master at the barbecue pit during family cook-outs but who didn't get into the pool with his kids or play catch with them...because it's too hard.
I know the band is not a magic wand that fixes all aspects of one's life, but for me most of my unhappiness stemmed from not having the ability to control my own issues with food to the point that it was affecting my relationship with my kids and my wife. Tony is 10, I have 8 years left with him "full time" and only about 3 more until he becomes his own person and starts socializing outside the home, how long before he doesn't want to do anything with me regardless of what I can and can't do physically? Josh is 4, if I keep going the rate I am I will die before I see him turn 18.
2005.. the start of my weight gain.
In regards to my marriage, we had our kids very young. We've never had the time to ourselves to really be just a couple. We have always made plans to travel and enjoy each other when the kids are grown, but without a healthier lifestyle what are we going to be able to do? Watch Food network and visit every buffet restaurant in the state? I want more than that! I want us to climb a Mayan Pyramid and see top of the Eiffel Tower. I want to be intimate without fear of throwing out my back.
And now here we are, 7 months later. one day away from go time. I have the usual nervousness and apprehension that comes with any procedure, but all in all I am ready. Ready to make the effort to change my life, ready to put my family and my own health as the number one priority in my life. READY.
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