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Personal blog

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Very tough week

Just not feeling "it" this week.  I'm exhausted, not sleeping well, feeling really run down, drained.  I feel fat.  I know I'm not anywhere near as fat as I was, but... I feel fat this week.  Bloated, gross, fat fat fat fat fat.

My sleep **SUCKS** not sure if it's the weight loss changing my CPAP pressure requirements, or something else all together.  I don't want to have to get another sleep study, because they blow, but I know I need some follow up.  Not looking forward to yet another medical bill. Work sucks this week too, a shop of 5, reduced to 2.  really 1 and a half since it's just me and my team lead, and my team lead has to do all the leadership / team lead stuff... so, It's just me, supporting just under 3000 users, on over 2000 computer systems, in 20-30 buildings spread out over all of RI, parts of Mass and CT.  Fun stuff.

I've been in and out of stalls for almost a month now, more in than out of at this point.  Between Monday and today I'm up 2 lbs... not sure why exactly.  All intake is right where it should  be and I've been in the gym daily.  Not going today, just not feeling it.  Way too tired and drained to even care really.

Growing tired of this forum again as well.  Which sucks because, well, I do enjoy helping folks out.  Just getting to the point where every question has been answered over and over again, yet almost no one bothers to use the search function first.

So that's it really... Not a happy Matt at all this week.
Matt Z

Matt Z

3
 

Struggles

WLS is hard.  I knew this going into my band back in 2011.  I knew this going to my revision to bypass this past March.  I expected it to be hard.  I'm getting very frustrated with the struggle.  Granted this is coming from a place where I'm working 10+ hour days, we just had to put a dog down, and I'm stalling hard every few days.  My body fat has been slowly reducing but not the weight.  And again, I get that it's a process.  Just venting I guess.  I'm in the gym almost every day, only missed 2 days total in over a month.  One was because a friend needed help with his car, so I spent several hours in the junk yard getting a door off for him, so I might have missed the gym, but I certainly didn't miss the workout that day!  And the other day was this past Tuesday, because my pup got put down while I was at work.  She was old, and I knew it was coming, but that doesn't change the waves of depression and emotional break downs the loss is causing.  Just need a win this week and everything is coming up crap.  Our dryer stopped working and 4 parts later, too much money and too much effort and it's still not working.  Just feels like this whole week has it out for me.
Matt Z

Matt Z

0
 

Day 4 Post Op

Today marks Day 4 post Band to Bypass revision.  Isopure Zero Carb RTDs are going down so easy, I'm getting over 40 grams of protein a day already and upwards of 60 oz of water.  I'm down just over 22 lbs since the 2nd of March already.  Stomach bloating/swelling is still in full effect, but other areas are clearly thinning out.  The 2x daily injections still weird me out.  Overall doing quite well.  Each day things get just a little bit better.
Matt Z

Matt Z

0
 

8 Days until Revision

So, I'm 8 days until my revision surgery.  I'm on the pre-op liquid diet and it sucks.  I've started using the PatchMD vitamins, still not 100% sure how they get more weight in vitamins and minerals than 1 patch actually weighs, but I bought them and I'm using them.  I've almost gotten all of my leave situation sorted out, just need to wait for the final thumbs up.  I'm still nervous, but I know I need to do this.  I'm worried about the surgery, the changes that are going to be required and some changes that no one can plan for... but, this is my big year.  20th wedding anniversary and 40th birthday this November.  I wanted to be the same weight at 40 that I was at when I was 20, because that would be awesome.  But, I'll take what I can get at this point. 
Matt Z

Matt Z

0
 

Another 1 month Pre-Op

So yesterday I got a tentative surgery date for the 21st of March.  This one is hard.  It seems that with my new job, I don't have TDI.  So I need to file a ton of paperwork to see about getting donated leave to cover the 2 month recovery window for this revision.  So needless to say, I'm very stressed out about all of this.  I'm at a point where, if I can't get the leave, I can't get the surgery, because I can't go 2 months without pay.  Very upsetting situation to be in, finding out that I don't have TDI really changed this entire process.  I've been jumping through hoops for almost a year now trying to get both the insurance's and my surgeon's check boxes ticked off.  And I've got my own goals.  This year is my 40th Birthday and my 20th Wedding anniversary.  So it's a huge year, I was hoping to be back to what I weighed when I was 20, for my 40th birthday.  Not sure if that's going to happen now.  Frustrated, upset and a touch angry.
Matt Z

Matt Z

0
 

1 Month Post Op

I'm considering reducing my blog posts to either every 2 weeks or once a month+ anytime I have issues I need to voice, I don't know, I guess we'll see.   This past week has been interesting. Being firmly locked in Bandster Hell I'm having slight intake control / willpower issues. I'm still well under my calorie burn totals for the days, but I'm eating more. When I'm at work, it's easy to keep my intake under control, but weekends and at night, not so much. Just need to tough it out until the 28th for my fill.   I've had to drop a size in underwear because the 2x i was wearing, was falling down while I walked, so I had to drop down to just XL and I was shocked that even those, are fitting just right / not tight. My stomach fat is getting soft and squishy, my pants are VERY loose to the point where I cannot wear them where I used to (under my gut) now I have to wear them around my belly button / waist.   Not sure where my weight is right now, I'll weigh in either Saturday or Sunday and I'll update when I do.   Emotionally I've been great! And I'm glad that things are going so well.   Stay Strong!
Matt Z

Matt Z

6
 

Week 3 Post-op Wrap Up

So today is the end of my 3rd week. Saw the doc on monday and her scale said I was 321.6. Not sure exactly how my medical scale (with weights and slide) compares to her digital one. The 321.6 was weighed with shoes and all, so I don't know. I haven't weighed myself today because I returned to work. So lets start the weekly break down.   Physical: I've noticed a very large increase in energy. To the point where my wife is getting very happy because I'm doing stuff around the house, not just sitting there tired. I've had the energy to move around and get stuff cleaned up and what not. I can take a flight of stairs with no issues whereas just 6 short months ago it would have winded me. I actually took the 2 flights of stairs to my appointment rather than take the elevator. I started to "feel" the stairs at the 1.5 flight mark. It slowed my pace down, but It didn't take all the wind out of me or put me into a sweat, which was a huge NSV for me. I used to be a VERY active person, always on the go and wanting to do stuff, I could walk forever. I'm happy to see that I'm getting back to that. My pants are not fitting anymore, I used to wear my pants under my gut, now I can't if I do that they fall down, so I've been resorting to wearing them around my actual waist up on my gut over my bellybutton. The only side effect is that now when I walk too far, my underwear falls off my butt! More funny than anything else, my own personal inside joke. My sex life has greatly increased as well, the energy and stamina I have now are getting noticed lol. The downs, I have to wait until the 28th to get my fill and I've been hungry often and if I chew properly I can get anything down in larger amounts than I would really like. I've been doing good with my calorie intake and burn, averaging a 3550 daily burn with a 1170 intake. So I'm tossing 2380 calories out the window each day on average or 1 pound of body fat every 1.4 days. Not too shabby, I guess we'll see how well I'm doing when I weigh in later today.   Emotional: I'm feeling SO much better emotionally for the most part. The being stuck in bandster hell has put a damper on my spirits a bit, but I've been keeping things in check with my food log and trackers. I just have to stay strong and tough it out. I'm glad to be back at work. My wife has been extremely happy lately and that is just making things so much better overall at home. I have felt slightly defeated when I stepped on the scale and saw a weight higher than what I had the week before, but when I checked at home, I was the same weight as the week before, so I'm not going to focus so much on the numbers right now, I'm going to keep things in perspective, I'm just starting out and even at a mere 2 lbs a week, that's 110 lbs in the year. I can deal with that. I've actually wanted to exercise more. I take the long way to the rest room at work and even started taking the stairs down a floor than back up on my way to or from the rest room. It's been a icky week weather wise, so I haven't been able to get out and do some walking but I'm finding other ways to make sure I keep my burn rate up.   Other: My boys are starting to show some weight loss, even though they are not specifically on a diet which is fantastic. My wife is smiling and happy both for me and about my overall increase in spirits and health. Things have been getting better each day and I love it.   Now I did get stuck the other day and I'm sort of glad I did. I was eating an orange (LOVE ORANGES!) at work and I went to bite a piece off a section of 3 lobes that were stuck together, I went to seperate 1 half of a lobe when the whole 3 lobe section broke in half in a way that sent it straight to the back of my throat and my bodies automatic response was to swallow. I freaked a bit, but when I didn't feel anything, I figured that it was small enough or soft enough to pass through my totally unrestricted stomach. I waited a few minutes knowing from reading that I might have to let it back up so I preped for the run to the rest room. Nothing. So I finished my orange. A good 10 -15 minutes AFTER finishing the orange I felt this odd sensation of food moving back upwards, not the contraction like a purge, just stuff trying to work it's way back up. I tried to burp, no burp. I sipped some water, stood up, put my hands on my head and walked around a bit, nothing, the feeling was still there. I sipped a bit more water and it was very hard to get down my throat, this triggered the feeling of needing to purge, still no contractions. I bolted to the rest room, took the handicapped stall and stood so that my stomach was above my mouth and I just let the food work it's way back up with no assistance on my part, it was very odd, I knew not to enduce a purge reaction for risk of causing damage to the only 2.5 week old surgery, I did have 2 instances of purge contractions, but I quickly forced them to stop, I got a good amount of orange, but not the piece that caused the problems. I was producing lots of saliva, but after the pieces came up, I didn't have the purge feeling or the uncomfortable "moving up" feeling, I still felt odd/sick the rest of the day, I drank a bit more water and it went down but slowly. So I kept it liquids for the rest of the day and was feeling fine the next day. Some have asked "why are you happy that it happened?" the answer is pretty easy, with any fears, you don't know what exactly is going to happen, now I know, I know why it happened, I know how to prevent it from happening again and I know that in the off chance it does happen again, exactly what to do. Plus, I really do not want to repeat that feeling ever again. So that little negative reinforcement is a good thing.   I will update my weight (good or bad) later when I can weigh in.   Until then, Thank you for reading, I look forwards to reading your replies and comments and STAY STRONG!   ***UPDATE*** Weighed in at 316. w00t!
Matt Z

Matt Z

2
 

Week 2 Blues

Weighed in today, 319. Only 2 pounds since last friday. I know why and I have to change it. I've got zero restriction now that the swelling has gone down, I'm eating around 1200-1500 less than I burn each day, so I'm a little unsure at the lack of weight change. I know 2 pounds a week is a good rate, but it's disappointing. I'm mad and upset. But I know it's ok.   What am I going to do about it? I'm going to get my ass out and walk more. I'm going to ignore the growls creeping out from my belly. I'm going to keep up my protein intake, my water intake and I'm going to keep logging every single piece of food that enters my mouth.   I am not going to be effected by this slow down. I haven't had a fill yet and I know that this is the main reason why my weight loss has slown down. I have my first post-op appt with my doc on Monday and I'm going to push for a fill. I just hope she agrees.   Weight loss issues aside, I feel fantastic. Walking is so much easier, I don't get winded as quickly as I used to, standing for longer periods of time doesn't bother me as much either. My clothes are fitting better and my face is noticably thinner.   I just have to stay strong.
Matt Z

Matt Z

5
 

1 Week Post Op

Today marks my 1 week post op and what a week it has been. Let me recap in a few important catagories.   Physical I've experience the pain, which in all honesty isn't as bad as I would have expected. If we ignore the day of surgery and the day after, the rest of the week has been ok. I haven't needed any pain meds since the 3rd day post op. Pain has been limited to gas pain and incision site pain, both completely tolerable. The begining of the week I was a bit more tired than usual and I became tired quicker when doing simple activities like walking, each day this gets a bit better. Today I went shopping with my mother, my fitbit says I took around 3500 steps and walked 1.4 miles. My knees feel better, my back feels better, my feet feel better. I am actually sleeping better and waking up feeling as if I slept, no more waking tired. Looking forward to the next week!   Emotional This has been one of the toughest things to deal with, the disappointment in not being able to enjoy the foods I love has hit me pretty hard a few times, always when out. I went to breakfast with my wife and her dad, I assumed that the resturant would have yogurt for me to eat since most do, they didn't. So I sat there with a decaf coffee and a kids sized orange juice while they ate. I don't like eggs and what not, but the smell comming off of their plates was so amazing, it took most of what I had to keep from breaking down into tears. I focused on why I'm doing this and resolved in the fact that I would be able to eat again in a few weeks. The biggest test was Thanksgiving. My family are big eaters, Italian families know how to eat. So I was dreading Thanksgiving at my parents house. The night prior I jumped the gun on my puree phase and attempted some pureed meat pie, a tiny 1/4 inch slice and some beef broth, blended it up, poured it into my 1/4 cup ramekin and heated it up. It looked so nasty, but the taste, after all the liquids and puddings and jello's was so damn amazing. And lucky for me, I didn't have any problems with eating it, I finished the serving a little quick for my liking, but I held off and sure enough, I felt the fullness coming on, but it never got painful, so I knew I hit the mark size wise. This gave me a bit of a bump for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving came and I pureed some turkey with gravy, some corn and potatos and took a 1/2 slice of cranberry sauce about a cup of food in total. We all said our thanks and got to eating. I focused on taking my time, I watched the clock and put my spoon down between "bites". About 20 mins in I knew I should stop, the fullness was just starting to kick up, so I put down my spoon and pushed the plate away. Everyone was suprised by how little I could eat. But they were all impressed. So one more big eating day left and it will be a smooth year.   Weight I saved the best for last. I weighted in at 350 when I finally decided that I had had enough and that diets and yo-yo weight gain/loss had to go. My last appointment with my surgeon I weighted in at 343. The last "official" weight in at my pre-op training class was 336.8. The night before surgery I weighed myself on a medical scale at 335. Pretty good. But these next numbers are amazing. I had surgery on Friday, the following Monday I weighed in at 329, Yesterday, I weighed 324. So from 335 to 324 in 1 week! and all without feeling underfed. This is the motivation I need. I'm feeling the weight loss in my clothes, on my back and knees. It's noticable.   I'm greatful to everyone here for the information and support that you are providing. All comments, both positive and critical are appreciated. I understand that to learn we need to be shown our faults.   Stay Strong LBT!
Matt Z

Matt Z

6
 

Post Op Follow Up

Thanks for all the pre-op support all, I'm still feeling kinda icky, but I'm home and I wanted to provide a proper update.   Friday the 18th of 2011 at 6:30 am I was admitted into the Rhode Island Hospital Outpatient Surgery Center. The staff was nice for how early it was. I checked in and around 7:00 am I was taken back to the prep room. I geared down and johnny'd up, complete with the fantastic johnny socks compression socks and a fabulous blue hair net. I voided, and I will tell you this, if I had known that this was going to be my last easy void in the next few days, I would have taken the time to enjoy it a bit more. I was then paraded past other weary surgical travelers enduring what I was soon to as well, the slew of questions from the prep nurses, anesthesiologist, head anesthesiologist, attending nurses, supporting nurses, and finally my surgeon. Everyone was fantastic. My doctor signed off on my belly and at 8:10 I was wheeled into the OR. The OR was super bright, bustling with prep work, beeps and boops, motors pumping away at this and that, the whole time the surgery staff was light hearted and up beat, The slide me from my gurney onto the operating table, propped up my arms with arm boards, pluged in me and put the gas mask on. Within a few moments my ears started ringing, my vison got distorted and everthing stopped. I had a bit of a dream, about my dogs I think, but I don't fully recall.   With me out, the surgeon and her team started preping me and the equipment for use, I found out later that the laprascope was mis-behaving and not outputting video, so I waited in some undisclosed state of prep for 30 mins while they got it fixed or replaced.   I opened my eyes around 11 am, coughing, which I guess is a good thing. I was woozy and had a hard time focusing on what was going on around me, the place was simalar to the pre-op room, but was clearly not. Other post-op patients beeped, buzzed, whooshed and groaned around me. Again the staff here was very pleasent. I was checked and rechecked, told to sleep, but once I'm up, I'm up, and with all the noise and lights, going back to sleep again wasn't going to happen, even if I was as tried as I have ever been. I overheard several comments about me not having a bed to go to. I've got sleep apnea, so I was being admitted for overnight observation. I saw in the recovery room for several hours, I was visited by my lovely wife, my parents and my oldest son, who notedly did not want to be there, but that was ok, I understand why. I was in moderate amounts of pain, more discomfort than pain, slight burning pressure under my left clavicle, but nothing major. My incisions were tender, but I wasn't putting any strain on the abdominal muscles so the pain meds I was given control of did the trick at keeping everything to a decent ache.   5 pm came around I my doctor came back in to check in on me. I was upgraded from swabs to wet my mouth to ice chips and small sips of water, this was fantastic news! After 6 hours of narcotic added dry mouth, some cold water and ice was heavenly. I was sat up, walked around and allowed to void again, but this time with great amounts of trouble. The muscle groups just wouldn't work with me, it was all about the relax and let go, which is a LOT harder than it sounds.   6pm I had my room. A step down ICR shared room. But I had a bed now, not the 2 inch thick gurney pad that had be causing me tailbone pain for 6+ hours. I walked around a bit, attempted to void again, and watched some tv with the wife. All while enjoying this fantastic new discovery, ice water! I was cleared for an amazing 60ml per hour, so 2 of those little meds cups per hour, this was fine with me. We watched TV for a bit, talking with doctors and nurses that came in and out checking in on me. Tried to stay up to watch Fringe, but by then I just couldn't hang it. So I made my way to the bed. After some tweeking, a few extra pillows, a fan (it was VERY hot for some reason) I put my cpap on, grabbed my pain button, slid down my blindfold and drifted off. Most important thing to bring with you to a hospital if you are going to be there overnight, a good pair of blindfolds! Saved my night!   The night was oft interupted by the snoring of the woman that was my roomate, by nurses checking temps, iv amounts, my vitals, etc etc, understandable interuptions. These folks were taking care of me, so I was being extra nice back. Nothing can make their already stressful jobs worse than a pissy patient!   4am I was up again, the void at this point was much less stressful, and much more welcome. I stopped using my pain pump at this point. I guess that while I was sleeping, I pretty much just kept pressing the button, oops. At least it was set to lock out, so I got the max amount of meds. I fell back a sleep for a while.   6am rounding time for the doctors, I was visited, told that I was stable enough to go home once the orders were drafted, which take a while I guess. I amlessly watched tv for a few hours. At around 8 am a tray was brought in with apple juice, a bottle of water and a cup of broth, lol I'm on 60ml of fluids an hour and they bring a liters worth of liquid. The apple juice was FANTASTIC! The wife showed up at around 9:30 am, she helped clean up and pack things together to make it easier on everyone. I was then slowly removed from iv's and monitors, provided with my liquid pain meds, and started getting word of a potential release. I hurt, moreso now because of the lack of constant pain meds, but nothing super horrible. Just very uncomfortable to move certain ways, like sitting up, spinning around, leaning over, picking stuff up at arms length, putting my head over my head etc etc etc. All slow and deliberate movements from here on out I guess.   Shortly before Noon I was signed out, wheeled down and driven home. Ouch, bumps SUCK. I putted around a bit outside, working out some of this interesting pain which can only be described as a combination between gas pain and hunger, without the growling. It comes and goes. Gas-X doesn't seem to be doing much of anything, but I've been trying just in case. I slept a bit, had a bit of a fever spike 100.5 (still below what they said to come/call in with) fever is down into 99.0 right now, took some liquid tylenol to help with some slight pains and the fever. Still on clears until tomorrow, so once the Jello is done setting up, I'm going to break into some of that, the Isopure Zero Carb RTD's have been yummy, just enough flavor, and it's clear and full of protein!   So that is all for now bandsters/bandits and those starting out where I did. I'm offically banded with the realize band. The worst pain is behind me, now to just tough it out through the next few days of pain and discomfort.   Thanks for reading! Stay Strong!
Matt Z

Matt Z

4
 

The pages of this chapter come down to their last.

I am to be admitted at 6:30 am tomorrow. Sigh. That's earlier than I would have hoped, not because it's early in the day, but because I have sleep apnea, that means I'm there all day, all night and part of Saturday. My poor wife is going to be sitting around doing not much of anything for hours on end until they kick her out for the night. At least by this time tomorrow I'll be banded.   Today has been ok, the emotional rollercoaster started off early, but right now, I'm 100% not phased at all. I know what's going to happen yesterday and I'm resolved to the fact that 1 of 3 options will occur tomorrow. Either A ) I get banded. B ) I die from complications or C ) They find something inside and are unable to complete surgery.   Either way, I know that this chapter of my life has come to a close. We'll see tomorrow if it was the last chapter of the book of Matt, or if there is another exciting adventure awaiting in the pages forthcoming.   Today I'm doing a clear liquid only pre-op diet and it's been a mixed bag. I've quelled most of the true hunger, but I've battled several brain hunger episodes, short lived as they were, they occured. But I won.   I'm going to weigh myself tonight, just an un-official pre-op weigh-in on a medical grade scale, just to see what the last week has done for me. I'm not sure if I'm down or up... I guess I'll see.   *update* Just weighed in, 335. So that's 1.8 lbs since the 10th and 15lbs total since I started the whole process. yay!   Thanks for reading all Stay Strong!
Matt Z

Matt Z

8
 

The Last "Hoorah"...

Today is my my and my wife's 13 wedding anniversary. We had a celebration with family at my mom's house. I had a muscle milk light for breakfast . I went in with intentions of knowing I was going to eat,but that I would going to limit my food intake, but ended up doing what I usually do and eating far too much. I stumbled today. But I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I consumed my salad first, and only had 1 helping of Lasagna and 2 bread sticks. I drank water. I did have a slice of the Tiramisu that my wife bought because it is my favorite and only one scoop of ice cream. And now... I feel like crap. Not mentally, but physically and I like that. I know what I did wrong and my body is "thanking". I'm 5 days out from surgery (I don't have any pre-op diet, less the day before where I'm on clears only) and I'm focused on exactly what I did wrong and I'm enjoying the fact that I feel like total butt because of it. This is a great milestone, because before, when I was "stuffed" I felt good about being "stuffed", now knowing that I don't like the feeling any more, I'm even more excited about the upcoming weeks. The rest of my day remained intake free, less the water and some tea with stevia "sugar".   I've got my sights set on the FitBit fitness tracker. It's 100 bucks give or take and I've got 45 saved up for it already. It's odd that I'm actually excited about a fitness tracker, that is something that has never happened. I never really looked forward to exercise or being shown exactly what I did right and wrong calorie wise. I've made a huge turn around in mindset in just the last few weeks. Thanks to the lovely folks here and those at the local weight loss support group. I know I'm not alone in this, I know that my support group is above and beyond ready to deal with helping me post surgery.   For the first in a very long time, I'm happy. Content knowing that my future has a positive outlook. That in one year's time, I will be much healthier, happier and lighter than I am today. I'm happy knowing that I will be able to take trips to the amusment parks with my kids and actually be able to do more than just sit there holding items. I'm at the bottom of a long flight of stairs, looking up, knowing that what lies at the top is Love and Joy.   Stay strong fellow Bandits and Bandsters. The road is bumpy, dusty and hard, but at the end we will all be able to look back and smile at what we have accomplished.   I'm reminded of a lovely poem by Mr. Robert Frost The Road Not Taken Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by And that has made all the difference
Matt Z

Matt Z

3
 

Last appointment down, next up lap-band

So, I had my pre-op class/appointment today. It was really odd because besides my wife, I was the ONLY person in this "class". Lucky for me I knew the instructors, so it went by easy. We skipped over things I already knew and went into more details on those topics I wanted more information about. Overall, it was nice.   I got my final pre-op "official" weigh-in, 336.8 lbs. I started the whole process when I topped out at 350 about 4 months ago. My last weigh-in was on the 31st and it was 343, so in 10 days I dropped 6.2 lbs with only better food choices! I was so excited by this, the thought of what the next chapter in my life is going to be like knowing that, if I am forced to make the proper choices, knowing that I can't slip up and binge or stuff without serious issues, I'm going to start dropping weight like a "dancer" drops laundry!     The wife and I did go out to eat and we did indulge a bit, but it was nothing like I used to. My lunch was small and low carb, I didn't touch soda, and we split a dessert. We then went and walked around walmart for 2 hours so I'm sure it balanced out somewhat.     I popped into a local fitness store to check out some protein choices and I met to rather wonderful people that work there. Steve and Amanda, they were both your typical looking fitness store folks, trim and athletic and full of energy. Steve called me "big guy" on the way in... but I kept myself in check and pulled out the "cool guy" inside me and went to shopping, talked them up a bit and come to find out, Steve, was at 330 at one point in his life and Amanda was a good 60+ lbs heavier too, she showed me a photo! After talking to them both and just being my inner self, the words from these two both sunk into my heart like they wouldn't even know. Steve looked amazing, fit, trim, muscular, exactly what I would KILL to look like right now, and the fact that he was around the same weight as I am, gave me so much hope and joy for the future. Amanda was cute as hell too. Knowing that they both have been pretty much where I am right now, both mentally and physically gave me more hope than I could have even asked for. I know I will be going back there for my protein and other dietary needs.   I wish everyone could have a moment like this, where at the start of an interaction your just feeling like crap, down, ashamed of yourself, embarassed for being the "fat person in a fitness store", to walking out with a major smile and two new potential "friends". Love it.   That's all for today good folks of the internet, Good luck, Keep positive and Stay Strong!
Matt Z

Matt Z

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Lets get the party started....

Ok so lets start this out with a bit about me. My name is Matt I'm currently 32 (birthday Nov 15) I'm married I have 2 boys I have many many many hours of tattoo work, with lots still not finished I have my septum and lobes pierced, my septum was stretched up to 00ga, but is now without jewelry, my ears are just shy of 1 3/4ths of an inch I'm a Veteran I'm an Information Technology Security Degree holder I'm a contractor for the Department of Defense   I was overweight as a child, was made fun of left and right. I was my mom's eating buddy, my extended family was mostly Italian so there was lots of "manga manga" going on. We were expected to eat and eat quite a bit, which I did, of all the wrong things. We moved around a bunch. When we lived in Florida, a combination of the heat, increased activity and better eating choices lead me to lose quite a bit of weight. I was now "fit and trim" for my return home and subsequent high school years.   I Joined the Air Force in 1997. I was over what the Air Force wanted me to be weight wise compared to my height. At 5 foot 9 inches I was to be at or under 189 lbs. I was 200/210, but still very fit and active. Most of the weight I attribute to my muscle strenght. but alas, I needed to be under 189, so I did everything I could think of, from starvation, to dehydration, jumping jacks in the sauna, you name it, I did it. And I made it in. During basic training I widdled down to an amazing 170 lbs. Sure I looked good, but I didnt' feel all that great being that small. Looking back at photos, the thoughts I have range from "I look sick like I have aids or cancer" to "damn I was sexy". After basic was technical training, during these months in Mississippi, I slowly got back to my "normal" weight, floating around 200. But no one noticed and I wasn't flagged for any weigh-ins. After tech school came my assignment. Fort Meade, Md. Things went fine, but being an IT job, sitting lots, working odd hours, overnights, etc, the muscle weight was replaced with flab, and after a year or so at my duty station I was poked for being too chubby. I was pointed to a co-worker and ex body builder for assistance. I followed his orders and begain doing some "not so healthy" things to lose weight, which didn't happen. Quite the reverse actually, I was consuming massive amounts of protein, water, carbs, I was working out 2 hours or so a day in the gym, yet in 3 months, I actually gained 80 lbs and I didn't know why. Turns out that part of the suppliments I was taking had triggered a massive hypothyridic response, my thyroid shut off, all the carbs, protein and calories I was injesting was being converted directly to fat. The Air Force did not like that at all. I went to 3 nutrition classes, did mandatory supervised exercise, wore a heart monitor and had my exercise tracked. The last 2.5 years of my enlistment was met with medical work ups, exercise, and warnings of being kicked out. I did everything I could to make until my contract was released from stop loss due to 9/11. My original out processing class turned into a stop loss class half way through. For those that don't know, stop loss is when the military says you can't leave, even if you have completed your signed contract, if they have an official need to keep you, they can. So my last full year was hell. Weigh ins, tapings, blood work. All in all, I made it out by the skin of my teeth. Which is sad because I signed up, with all intentions of doing 20+ years.   I bounced around jobs a bit, got my degree and started doing IT work for the government. And I love it. I do not however love the weight I've been stuck with.   I'm being banded on the 18th of Nov. I was hoping for my birthday, but my surgeon doesn't do surgery on Tuesdays. Sigh. Friday is close enough.   I'm glad I found this website, the information and support from it's members has and will prove to be a very accepted crutch. Thanks for reading and Stay Strong! Matt
Matt Z

Matt Z

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