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About this blog

My journey to take control of my life

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Putting my big girl panties on....

New to this blog thing. I'm hoping that this outlet will help me get a control of my life, emotional eating and weight loss. So here we go...   We all have our baggage...I'd say there's at least a 99.9% chance that that is the reason that you and I are here, right? I've been fat all my life. I made a huge leap to change that in 2008 when I had the lap band. For the first time in my life, I was eating healthy, exercising and feeling super great--inside and out. Then in 2009 late in the year...I got something lodged and all my saline was taken out. Ever since then I've never been the same.   I've really been struggling. Balancing work, getting out of an abusive relationship, school, family issues/death, a new relationship, etc. My anxiety and compulsive/emotional eating is at an all time high. My breaking point came last week, when I had an anxiety attack that was triggered by my low self-esteem. My weight and food is on my mind all day, every day. I'm in nursing school and getting married in March 2012, I don't have the space in my life for this and I've gotta fix it.   I've put off and put off going into the doctors due to fear and anxiety...I didn't want to feel judged, or shamed. It's hard to explain. But I've put it off for 60 lbs. I threw out all my fat clothes over a year ago and now my pants are tight. I WON'T BUY FAT CLOTHES; not happening!!!!   So right after I joined this, I got busy at researching my insurance coverage on behavior health to try to help with my emotional eating...I keep hearing that we need to fix why we're eating. Weeeell, get this...they don't cover therapy. Rude! So then...I took a deep breath (I have HUGE anxiety issues) and dialed my doctor's office. His nurse actually answers. I just blurt it out "I'm a patient, I've had my band since 08, fallen off the wagon, gained 60 lbs, I'm very embarrassed and overwhelmed. Can you offer me guidance?" With tears welling up in my eyes, if hear her reply..."Jessica, thanks for calling. We probably need to get you a fill and we just adopted a support service. Call Betty and let her know what's going on then call me back to schedule" so I call her. She's a-ma-zing! I'm crying again after I blurt it out...She tells me to take a deep breath and that we need to get back on track and that I've taken the hardest step. Informed me of the newly formed support group that meets on the 25. Told me to start a food log, shoot for 60g protein, 64 oz water and get a fill. Bought my journal and appointment set for the 20th!!   I'm up late right now. Just finished my studying and usually I'd be snacking but I'm not...I'm on here. and now, off to bed.   Making the Change, being the change. Jess
JessIsTiredOfBeingFat

JessIsTiredOfBeingFat

3
 

First support group meeting...

So I've teetered these last few weeks trying to hop up on that wagon and struggled severely with self motivation, time management and preparation. I let that damn food speak to me...I gotta get this straight in my head..."To loose weight, to improve my health, I CAN'T I WON'T EAT YOU!!!!!"   BUT Thursday, I had my fill FINALLY!!! Then tonight i went to my first support group meeting. It was pretty great. I haven't openly shared my weight loss surgery with friends, family, and co workers...and never thought much of it because I figured I didn't need anyone and I could do it myself...but then tonight, being surrounded by people like myself where I heard multiple things that I, myself, have said or done that no one but a weight loss surgery patient could understand...I realized 'wow! These people don't sympathize; they empathize!!!!" Support just got a whole new meaning tonight...   Off to bed I go with an optimistic attitude that tomorrow WILL be a great day, I will MAKE it a great day!!! 6 am...you'll be here soon and I'm gonna meet you with my tennis shoes and ready to head to the gym. Oh PLEASE let me wake up and get myself out of bed PLEASE!!!!!   Jess
JessIsTiredOfBeingFat

JessIsTiredOfBeingFat

2
 

Day 3: teetered but trying not to beat myself up!!!

Hello all!!! I really appreciate the words of encouragement. They're amazingly helpful.   So I started off yesterday on the right foot. Writing in my food journal, ate my breakfast, packed a quick lunch. It was my 2nd day of my nursing clinicals...the clinical was good. I passed my physical assessment on my assigned patient ...buuuuuut not time to eat!!!! So as soon as I was done, I ate my 2 slices of deli turkey and a couple carrots! I had lots studying to do so I came home and spent 30 minutes of 'catch up' time with my fiance and fixed up a quick snack 6 strawberries and 2 tbsp cool whip then hit the books. We had a party to go to which I had been dreading for 2 reasons...1) I have soooooo much studying to do and feel guilty for not and 2) it's a PARTY with drinking and food and I'm only day 2 in!!!! ugh!!! Ok so we were running late and no time for dinner, my fiance (his name is Paul...so now I can stop saying fiance which sounds so corny lol) said we'd stop for something quick (remember from the last blog that he stated he wouldn't ask for Taco Bell) but I didn't want to be tempted so I popped one of those broccoli and cheese steamer bags in the microwave and emptied it into a cup and chowed on it on the way (only 145 calories for the whole bag!!! but...no protein though)...so we get to the party, I was happy that my friend's husband was secluded on the back patio AWAY from the yummy appetizers galore! I brought a can of Coke Zero and sipped on that while they enjoyed their beverages of the alcoholic sort I was doing pretty well until about 930. I hadn't planned to be there so late and the pesky hunger pangs snuck up on me Luckily, they had Coke Zero and some veggies. I had a itty bitty spoonful of ranch with some broccoli, 2 slices of strawberries, 3 small slices of provolone cheese AND 3 mini quiche....eeeeeeeeek but seriously, this wasn't that bad...not my 'on the wagon' diet but I avoided the chip, dip, taquitos, chicken and cheesy rice, cake, pizza, etc!!! So, we stay awhile longer...then head home and Paul plays video games and I study. And, again, around midnight those hunger pangs rear their ugly heads!!!! I make some coffee and drink some water in an attempt to rid them. No help. I'm hungry!!!!! And...a terrible thing happened...I'm so upset...only day 2 and I already have a weak moment...this is usually a thing I would hide but the new me is holding myself accountable for the things I eat and do....Paul made blueberry muffins for his snack I had one with honey and a glass of milk....annnnd if that wasn't bad enough, I binged!!!!!!! Left over pizza and Velveeta pasta leftovers readily available...ah!!!!! I eat half a piece of cold pizza standing in the kitchen...realize what I'm doing and throw it away...BUT then that pasta was talking to me (I'm such a fat girl) and I snatched it up, popped off the lid and took 3 ginormous bites!!!!! I automatically felt guilty and wished in that moment that I could take it back but I couldn't so all I can do is own it. Usually, I would just continue to eat like Oreos or the rest of the left overs since I'd already cheated but I didn't. I went back in the living room, logged onto my laptop and finished my studies then to bed.   So, today is a new day. And, I haven't given up even though the urge to quit is whispering 'you'll always be a fat girl'...I'm owning it. I'm writing it in my journal and need to calculate the calories so I can see the damage...BTW any suggestions for an easy website to do that? I've had my cup of coffee and 1/2C of oatmeal and about to hit the shower then hit the books.   So...what did I do well yesterday? I increased my water intake and almost had my 64 oz!! I made smart snack choices before midnight( I know we aren't suppose to snack but I have no restriction right now) . I recognized the opportunity to eat out would rear it's head so I ate the broccoli. While binging, I recognized it and restricted myself a little. What I learned? That if I go out, I need to pack a bag for 'just in case' to eliminate the dilemma of eating what's available. Midnight is a bad time for me...and I need a better coping strategy for late night hunger pangs. I can't just go to sleep because I must study late in order to stay on track...I need to brainstorm!   Thanks for reading and helpful suggestions are most appreciated!!!! Have a great, healthy day!!!!
JessIsTiredOfBeingFat

JessIsTiredOfBeingFat

6
 

First day back on the wagon complete!!!

So today was my first day back on. I haven't had an adjustment and have no restriction right now but I'm trying my best til I do. Got up, had a cup of coffee and 1/2 C oatmeal. Tummy started growling at 1030 so I drank 10 oz of water at once. Went away. Then lunch came and I had 2 oz sliced turkey meat, 1/4 C baby carrots and 5 strawberries. Was starving when I got home. I REALLY wanted the Cheez-its that were sitting on the counter, but I resisted. My best friend (who is staying with my fiance and I with her 2 little ones) was making Velveeta dinner (a spin on hamburger helper--not the healthiest)...had about 1/2 C of that with a cup of tossed salad! I only got in about 50 oz of fluid today but it's a start. Went for a walk after dinner with my fiance, bf, 2 girls, and our 5 dogs!!! That was interesting to say the least...30 minutes. It was nice and didn't feel like exercise at all.   While talking to my bf today, she made it apparent that I need to share what I'm going through with my fiance. I was absolutely against it but when I got home and wanted to share about my day...it all just came out. I told him about my struggle with this weight and my emotional eating behind closed doors and how discouraged I am. I told him it was hard for me to admit to him because when I talk to him about me being self-conscious, he just tells me I'm beautiful and that it'll be ok. That's great to hear but I need to talk about these things!!! He said he'd be as supportive as possible...told me 'I'll stop pressuring you to eat Taco Bell' and talked to me about how we could set up a treadmill and such.   Oh and today Betty, the support lady for my doctor, called and left me a message. She said that she took a look at my chart and thinks that I'm an individual that hasn't found my right fit and that we need to get it right. And, in no way, does she think that I've reached the capacity of my band. She told me to keep the journal, get my fluids, get my proteins....AND 'don't beat yourself up. I won't say don't be discouraged because that'd be impossible but don't beat yourself up.' I teared up.   Now, to study a bit and get a good night's rest because tomorrow is my 2nd clinical of nursing school!!!   Jess
JessIsTiredOfBeingFat

JessIsTiredOfBeingFat

4
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