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About this blog

My lapband journey

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Thoughts About Food Addiction

I quit smoking over 12 years ago. I didn't want to quit smoking; I quit because my husband had serious heart problems. If he didn't quit, his doctor said he would live 10 more years. My husband stated point blank that he would not be able to successfully quit if I was smoking.   I recall feeling panicky at having to quit smoking. In my nicotine addicted mind, cigarettes were paired with so many activities and I couldn't imagine enjoying any of them without a cigarette. Before we quit, I wanted to go on vacation because I couldn't imagine relaxing at the beach without smoking. I wanted to go our favorite steak restaurant so I could have a post-dinner cigarette with a glass of port in the lounge. I wanted to go to Atlantic City and play the slot machines. It took me many years to realized that my pairing of pleasurable activities with cigarettes was a component of my nicotine addiction.   Prior to being banded, I started having those same panicked pairing of activities. Could I enjoy a meal at a restaurant without overeating? Would I enjoy holidays without overeating? Could I go to a theme park and not gorge on junk food?   I am still learning to live with my band. But I am confident that I am unpairing pleasure from food addiction. Thanksgiving was a wonderful day and meal. I savored the few bites of cheesecake (low fat/no sugar) that I tasted. I enjoyed our office holiday lunch and ordered a drink and an appetizer. Because I ate slowly and chatted while I was eating, I finished my meal around the same time as the people that had three courses. I went to Disney and ordered kids meals; I was satisfied with the portion sizes and saved a lot of $$$.   I know that overcoming a food addiction is a process. However recognizing that I have one is a good beginning.
Dulci

Dulci

2
 

One Month Bandiversary

Today is my one month bandiversary.   I had planned to update my blog here frequently so I could record my journey, but I haven’t updated it as much as I intended.   Recovery   My small incisions are nearly healed. I expect that those scars will disappear, much like the ones I had from the endo surgeries.   My belly button incision seems ok too. But I wish they had made this incision in the same place where the prior scar was. Even if I do get small enough to wear a bikini, the only person that is going to be able to closely examine my belly button is Nick and he won’t notice it. (He will just be thrilled for me to be healthy, happy, and confident again.)   My port incision is healing nicely as well. I still need to be careful of where waistbands hit my belly. This scar will likely be visible, but hopefully it will fade to a white line. One obvious scar is much better than many pounds of quivering blubber.   Weight Loss   I started this journey very close to 220. I was struck with the realization that 250 lbs was only a few months away, if I didn’t make a drastic change. I am now in the low 190’s and the 180’s are so close.   I have hit a plateau. Although I am frustrated, logically, I know that my body has dropped a good amount of weight and is still healing from surgery. I didn’t start recording my weight until I began the pre-op diet, so I have “officially” lost 20 lbs (since the beginning of the preop diet). My scale seems stuck in the 190’s, but I do have to acknowledge a bit of progress. I was stuck fluctuating between a low of 193 and 195. After a week of stick to my plan (even during Thanksgiving and even incorporating Nick’s Egg Nog Cheesecake into my meals for three days) I am now fluctuating between a low of 191 and 193.   Exercise   I need to increase my activity level. I have to stop inventing excuses, getting comfortable on the couch and not thinking about activity. Nick is being so supportive. Tonight we are going out to buy a Kinect game that looks like fun and that will get our heart rates elevated.   As soon as I am cleared for full exercise, I need to commit to using Mom’s gym and pool. The indoor pool will be nice. Hopefully, I will begin to enjoy swimming laps again.   Clothing   My clothes are fitting a lot better. I have been wearing tops that I haven’t been able to wear in almost a year. There are a few that look good from the front, but not from the back. A month ago, I would have worn them and ignored the rolls in the back.   My jeans are getting loose. Soon I won’t be able to wear my “big” jeans at all. My work pants are getting too loose and too long. I need to go through the clothes in the guest room and get rid of the garbage and see what fits of the remaining clothing.   My Appearance   I can see a difference in my face. My chin is more defined. I also see that my boobs and butt are shrinking. Usually, my booty is the last part to slim down. I hope I can hold out on replacing pants as long as possible. I am thinking that buying cotton Capris are the best idea because they won’t drag on the ground if they get loose.   Health   It seems that my blood pressure is back to the normal range. It wasn’t an issue in the hospital at all, which is a huge relief.   I feel more engerized. I’m not napping as much during the day (only once the whole Thanksgiving weekend). I also feel much better rested when I wake. I’m not sitting on the couch, sipping coffee and trying to wake up! I wonder if 30 lbs was enough of a loss to lessen the sleep apnea?   Appetite and Diet   I am doing surprisingly well at following my doctor’s protocol, even though he is stricter than most of the diet plans I see people mention on Lap Bank Talk. I am satisfied by the allowed portions of protein, but I am getting hungry before 4 to 5 hours after a meal.   I also need to learn to s l o w d o w n and take small bites. I am doing ok about 75% of the time, but the 25% of the time that I am eating mindlessly may (will) cause me problems when I have a fill or two.   I am so scared of getting PB’s and stuck episodes. I have one month to learn to ALWAYS be mindful when I eat before my band will begin to teach me the hard way.   Going Forward   I promise myself to continue my commitment to myself. I am worthy of my best efforts.
Dulci

Dulci

2
 

Non scale victories that I am looking forward to experiencing.

1. Not being the fattest person in the office. 2. Finishing the two week liquids only pre-op diet. I'm not hungry, but after only three days, I am sick of the protein after taste/coating on my tongue. 3. Being able to throw away several of my 'go-to' items of clothing. I'm sure we all have those items - the ones that are reasonably flattering and are wearing out, but they are irreplaceable. 4. Learning how small of an amount of food will satisfy me. 5. Joining the people that walk, jog and run around the lake in my community. (I won't now because I'd feel too self conscious.) 6. Going back to the area where I grew up to see old friends. I have missed reunions, turned down invitations and made so many excuses to avoid seeing people because of my weight.   more to come as I think of them . . .
Dulci

Dulci

3
 

Things that I discovered that I have known as I prepared to be banded.

I know how to eat healthily. I know that when something tastes good, I will continue to eat, regardless of whether or not I'm full. I know that when I lose weight, I look great, I feel great physically, I am more confident and out-going. I know that my husband loves me regardless of my body size. I know that my husband finds me attractive regardless of my body size. I know that I can make changes that are good for me. I know that I can break bad habits. I know that I have never learned to maintain my weight. I am in a constant state of weight change, either gaining or losing. I am hopeful that the band will be the tool (along with my NUT) to help me learn to maintain my weight. I know that I allow myself to let my weight hold me back. I have avoided seeing friends and relatives because I am ashamed of my appearance. I know that food is not medicine, and it is certainly not a panacea to cure all that ails me. Eating won't cure depression, sadness, loneliness. Food will not cure a cold, a headache, a stomach ache, or anything else.   I know that I am worthy of being healthy and happy.
Dulci

Dulci

4
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