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Texasbandit's Blog

A blog by Texasbandit

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Skeptic!

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Surrealness at Walmart

ok I had a totally freak out moment at walmart on Sunday. So far, I havent really bought any new clothes or anything since me weight loss. yes, I am a saggy clothes wearing mess. I dont have any spare money. My hubby has been in and out of the hospital for 2 months now and money is tight. Soooo... I went to walmart on Sunday to get a few things to eat and wondered over to the clothes section just to see what they had. I had a serious crazy moment. I was looking at pants in my usual plus size section and pulled a pair from the rack that said 2x, but then stopped and looked long and hard. These pants were huge. Thinking it was the brand I moved on to another pair. Size 20, ummmm....huge. I went thru about 6 racks of pants and then it hit me, I cant fit this stuff anymore. Am I that small? I dont feel that small. I feel like a fat moo cow. How can this be? I ventured over to the jr's section and saw a size 15, It looked about right, but no way I'm that little. just no. So i tried them on. I stared for about 10 min first and I'm sure the other customers thought I was mental as I muttered to myself and stared at pants for a long time! lol! Went to the dressing room and to my shock I could fit a size 15. A SIZE 15!!!!!!!!!!!! That means In stretchy pants I can wear a 14. 14!!!!!!!!! WTF!!! How can i be that small. I'm still not convinced. maybe its walmart, I dunno. I snatched up the cute sweat pants with princess on the legs. Size 14 then rethought it. What if they dont fit? So I got the 15/16. I got home and my husband wondered what took me so long. I couldnt explain. I tried on the 15/16's and they are a bit big, but still fit great. I guess i could have gotten those 14's! Oh well....maybe next month! tee hee! So do i have body issues?? I just thought maybe I was trippin. I dunno., This has really shook me to my core. I dont understand. I still see myself as huge. Will this always be even if I get down to 200lbs???

October 31, 2011

8

Hubby In Critical Condition

Hi everyone, just an update. Hubby is in critical condition now. He is not breathing on his own and is intubated and has a feeding tube in his stomach. A few times his vitals dipped really low and we had to rush to the hospital asap cause they didnt think he wouldnt make it. After installing another device, a tandem heart, he has improved, but still in a medically induced coma. It's so hard to see him like that. They are shooting for a LVAD next week. A LVAD is a mechanical pump attatched to his heart. This will bridge him to transplant. A new heart wont be available for a few months. I'm just so tired.

December 9, 2011

14

Finally an answer!!!!!!!!!

After doing everything that I could to lose weight and going nuts I went to my primary care physician on friday to have a checkup and blood and urine work. So.......drum roll please! Tah dah! There is something wrong with me. My kidney's!! I've never been so happy to have a health issue ever! So It wasnt me. I havent cheated on my diet. I'm in the gym 6 days a week and busting my butt. I have a great restriction and under 1000 calories. I explained to my doctor what was happening and how crazy I was going by not losing. I weighed in at 279 on my appointment. So i took a urine test. Nope, it wasnt me. I have a condition where my kidneys does not process salt. I eat a low sodium diet and everything, but still my body holds onto salt and causes water retention. I am waiting for my blood work to come back to see if I have to see a kidney specialist. In the mean time my wonderful doctor gave me temporary meds to flush my system. I feel great!!! I am down to 271 today! I actually had a semi- cheat. I ate one slice of pizza and no bloat, no gaining 3lbs!!! I've lost 2 inches in my waist too and dont feel like a puffy mess. I feel like a weight has been lifted and i'm in a much better mood now. After all these years I wonder why no one found this. So it's not my metabolisim! yeah!!!

October 26, 2011

8

Giving up and taking a break

I never in my wildest dreams thought having a lap band would drive me nuts. If I would have known what I know now I would have never ever ever gotten this surgery!!!! I am weak, tired, stressed and miserable.I'm usually a calm, funny, rational person. But this journey has defied logic and tested my already thin patience. In the past I could always lose weight. Granted very slowly and I would stall for a few weeks, but it's been almost a month and my weight has gone from 275 to 279 and back down. I cannot get past 275!!! I've upped my calories and nada. I dont know how much i should up them or for how long. All I know is that something about this lapband is causing my body to rebel. I track what I eat on myfitnesspal and I work out 5-6 days a week and today I'm working out twice a day. I change my workouts every week. I dunno whatelse to do. I'm at 1000 calories now and feel stuffed. I have never ate this good or worked out smarter and harder in my life. I lost 60lbs doing less before this stupid band, so why isnt this working?? No caffeine, no sugar, low carbs, low calories. I have never ate so clean! No Soda!! No F****** Soda! When have I ever given up soda? oh thats right, NEVER!!!!!!!! Not even low carb bread, woooooooooooo lord i've been good. Not even my low carb candy or pastries! NO LOW CARB COOKIES!!!!!!!!! I've never dieted without them!!! I have to see my surgeon next week for a follow up. What am I gonna tell him? "hey I lost inches". I dont even wanna see him. My last fill the PA made me feel like I was lying and that no way I could weigh so much and be working out and eating healthy. No matter what anyone says pounds do matter. Its the stuff of contest, doctor visits and what people go by when they ask you about your progress. No one asks what size you are or what inches you have lost. I dont even know if i've lost inches. It doesnt seem to have changed in a month. I've been told its water weight maybe. Ok but for how long? My period will be here in 2 weeks then I will be bloated again for about 12 days. So in between being bloated due to my time of the month and other mysterious bloat, when am I losing fat??? It seems for 25 days out of the month I'm bloated due to weight lifting, time of the month, or a cheat day. Each causes a week worth of bloating. So where is the break from this??? I'm not even trying a cheat day again since the last disasterous 6 day, 4lb gain! Im heading to my regular doctor, but I dont know if she will find anything. 4 months ago I had a blood work up and everything was fine. I just give up. I tap. I know when I am beat. i cant take any more discouragement. To stall is one thing, but to gain? oh hell to the naw. I want this band out, O U T!!!!!!!!!!! I'll wait a year or so to have it removed, but I dont know what it's doing or how, but I know this thing is stopping me from losing. I did so good when I was on my own. Pregnancy was the only thing that derailed me after a whole year. I'll stick to MFP until 10/03 then if I dont lose I'm off there too, but good bye friends on here! I must save my sanity. I'm tired of reading of peoples success and looking at my failures on the scale and in the mirror. I'm tired of explaining over and over again that I'm not hungry, on 2nd fill, eating right, working out and no one knows. I've drank enough water, I shouldnt yo-yo my calories, which causes me to binge. I'm done!

October 17, 2011

6

Horrible horrible boil!!!!

Well that was a pain in the ass! Last Thursday I thought what was a pimple started to bother me a little, I figured it might be a spider bite and treated it with some cream. The next day it got bigger. By Saturday I had a fever, chills and sick to my stomach! Sunday I got tired and felt worse. The boil got bigger and bigger. Monday I saw my doc and was told to see a dermatologist. So Tuesday I went. I've been in so much pain I couldn't even walk on my leg!! The dermatologist did a culture and came back as staph. I was admitted in the hospital where they cut and drained it. My thigh and hip were swollen so big. I've been home and back to work. I haven't gained anything really, I'm 272. So back to the drawing board!! I did eat terribly some days, but only cause I was too sick and tired to cook. So I thank god this didn't steer me off my path!!

November 5, 2011

2

2 and 1/2 months banded...Status report

Hi everyone. Well grumpy sour puss Texas bandit is here to update: It's been a rough couple of weeks. My hubby, due to medical reasons, cannot drive anymore so that has disrupted my normal workout routine for mornings. I am still trying to feel my way thru this. I bought some dumbells to use at home and I still walk for an hour on my lunches. Friday-Sunday I hit the gym, hard. I still feel like I can and should do more, but I just dont see how it's possible with my schedule. I cant work out after work either. I gotta pick up my child from his sitter.I wish daylight savings time wasnt here either. I cant even go walking after i pick up my hubby. I dont feel safe at night by myself walking. Despite all that I am losing weight steadily now since I've been on my kidney meds. My dr, doesnt know how long I have to be on them, but at least for now I dont blow up if I eat anything salty. My diet has been really good. I try not to beat myself up too much, but I do aim for prefection. I do under 1200 calories a day. I got my 3rd fill on 11/08/11. I can feel restriction a little more. I have gotten a bit stuck a few times, but no vomiting. I just need to slow down and stop talking and eating! LOL! I've lost 38lbs since 08/28/11. I feel better and look great. Family holiday pictures are in two weeks, so I'm really trying to lose another 5lbs or so. I havent been this thin since I was about 22 so 12 years ago. I have gone from a size 22/24 to a size 16!! From 3x to XL. I've done more clothes shopping and went thru my closet and tried on everything and bagged up everything that is too big and looked stupid. I just keep thinking all of it is gonna stop one day. I feel that one day I wont lose anymore. I know its a crazy stupid fear, but does anyone else feel like that?? I just feel that one day the scale wont more. I weight myself everyday still, but I dont go crazy if I gain one pound. I honestly havent had the wild swings up and down since I've been on my pills. I just dont feel I can get down to 230! That is my goal for now. Can I lose another 38lbs? I'm finding it hard to believe for some reason. Maybe its cause I've never been thin in my whole life? I dunno.

November 14, 2011

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Still Having A Hard Time Sizing Clothes

Ok as we all know clothing sizes can change per brand, store, designer, style etc. About a month ago I bought some new clothes but I've found it a bit disturbing how somethings are fitting now. For instance, my ass. My ass is shrinking. Now I didn't have an ass to begin with, but now it's tight and smaller. So my old jeans have saggy butt when I wear them. Not attractive. Looks like I'm wearing a diaper underneath or something. Also shirts that I have hang at odd angles and look too big. I just don't want to look like I'm wearing clown clothes!! Anyhoo, so I bought new ones. Some stuff online and some at clothing stores. I tried most if it on. Well maybe I'm not sizing myself right or something but I can wear the jeans I bought just fine. They are skinny jeans, but good lord the rest of it is kinda too big. So what should I do? Buy smaller sizes? Or just wait? I tried to predict and get a little smaller but I dunno now. I don't wanna waste money. I don't plan to buy anything soon since money is tight. But I work in an office and I don't want to go to work with my pants dragging the ground and 2 sizes too big!!!!

December 3, 2011

9

Updates!!! Hubby, Holidays, And Passing Out....

Hey everyone its a new year and here is an update on what has been going on: I Made it thru the holiday's like gang busters. Lost weight, still going strong, Went in for a fill and was told I didnt need one. I lost 12lbs last month. I guess I've reached the green zone! I've lost 52lbs now and I feel good. I havent bought any clothes yet, but I'm getting desperate for work clothes. All of my work pants have went to the retired pile now. Money is tight, so I'll try to figure out something. My husband had LVAD surgery 2 weeks ago and due to kidney failure he is on dialysis continiously to try to remove the fluid from his body. He is awake and his vocal chords are messed up a bit, but he talks and I can understand him a little. He stil on a feeding tube and has liver problems. So i just try to take it one day at a time. Xmas was alright. My son got lots of gifts from friends and family. He was having fun running around playing with everything. I had a scary moment while visiting my hubby. I started to feel sick to my stomach. I thought it was something I ate. So I thought it would pass. Then I started to sweat. I was thinking I was gonna puke. Then i got dizzy. I was trying to find a chair and get out of my husbands room. Then I began to see spots, my legs turned to Jello and then bam, I passed out. Thank goodness a nurse was there to break my fall. The nurses in the ICU all scrambled to help me and I was rushed to the ER. They checked everything and I was fine. I think I havent been eating enough and not resting like I should but heck half the time I dont have the time to eat. I'm working, taking care of my son and visiting my hubby almost everyday. I'll try to do better for this year.

January 3, 2012

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Progress Report Banded 09/02/11 And Sadness

Hi everyone! Ive been so busy these past months with the holidays and everything. My T-giving was hard work, but I feel great that everything was healthy and low carb, low salt food. I actually lost 3lbs and I dunno how. So far, I'm happy with my weight loss and I have my 4th fill on the 8th. I am finding I'm getting stuck more often, but I still dont feel hungry. I'm working out 5-6 days a week, but recently I've had a blow to my routine This week my husband had another episode. He has congestive heart failure at 25. He was born with a heart problem that no one thought would degrade this quickly. He has a ICD defibulator inplanted already for 6 years. Since August things have went down hill. This weekend he went back to the hospital. We are being told that he needs a transplant. So they shipped him off to a transplant center which is kinda far away from where we live, but closer to his family which makes me feel better. However, no children are allowed which sucks. We have a 19 month old. They said in time if he gets off of being bed ridden then he can go to the visiting area and see him, but for now no. He has a week worth of evaluations to see if his system can take it then onto a transplant list. People always talk about the physical and him getting better, but mentally he isnt doing so well. He is depressed and misses us. Especially his son. My God, our son is our world. He is a daddy's boy. We are trying to work out the visits and have someone there to wait with our son while I see him. He's gonna be in the hospital for a while, months even. So I'll try to fix up his room when I visit this weekend with something Christmas like. I just hate to see him so sad. He wants to give up, but I tell him he cant and its normal to feel that way. My hubby is normally full of life and jokes, but now he is grim and cranky. I worry so much. I'm having to work so we can pay the bills. It sucks being here, when I just wanna be at the hospital. I have so many things to do. I just try to take it slowly. One thing at a time. As for my diet, well I've stuck to it and I'm proud of that. Thank god im not an emotional eater. When I get depressed I don't eat. So here I am just trying to hang on.

December 1, 2011

4

Eat more calories, OK BS!

So everyone is telling me the reason I'm not losing weight is cause my calories are too low. So yesterday I upp my calories. I cheated a little by eating some sugar free birthday cake with my niece. I also ate a huge salad. So that was my cheat day. I'm terrrfied to log in my calories. Well I check the scale this morning and guess what?? up 3lbs!! yeah me. So never again. I'll stick to my 800 calories a day. Now I have to practice damage control. Which means liquid fast for a day or two. yeah lanpband.......NOT!

October 10, 2011

4

Frustrated! Not losing....

I know that the first month or so is for healing, but I can help but to be frustrated. The scale hasnt moved for me at all. I'm getting about 600-700 calories a day. I still feel like I'm eating too much. I track everything on myfitnesspal. I've only worked out once this week, but will work out today. Hopefully I can get one day in this weekend. I just dont get how healing stops weight loss. I feel maybe its something that the doctor tells people so they dont go crazy. I'm so impatient I know. I'm a pessimist by nature so I'm not too sure this is all gonna work, but I'm gonna give it a try. I eat a lot less than I did before and before I didnt eat much. I'm tired of the scale not moving. I even feel more bloated, but it could be constipation. I dunno I'm just so mad.

September 16, 2011

5

Yeah My Life Sucks! Updates

Hello! Well I found out last month that on 06/15 I will be laid off! This couldnt have came at a worse time with johns health problems and all. I cried like a baby and went on a eating binge for 3 days. My weight loss came to a screeching hault for a while. I was in a really really dark place. I feel better now, but still worried about work. I do get severance which is great. on 03/13 my husband will be released from rehab. I am so happy!! He wont be able to walk, which sucks, but I'm just so happy to have him home. He has been in the hospital since 11/27/11. He is in good spirits and I have to take this weekend to get everything ready. I gotta clean my house, car and buy some stuff for him. Like a cart for all his medical supplies. He needs to have bandage change every 3 days. There will be a home health care nurse and rehab specialist coming over almost everyday. I'm also trying to set something up with a state funded program that has someone sitting with him while I am at work. Until then, I will be taking vacation time. As for work, I am kinda looking here and there for a new job within my company. My impending layoff on june 15th has me kinda frantic, but to be honest I look forward to my severance pay and taking a break. I need a break. I realize that when I move I will take a 3-4 dollar pay cut which is huge since I will be the only breadwinner for a while. I had an interview yesterday, but I'm not positive I will get it. John wants to return to some kinda job, maybe his old one, but he isnt strong enough for all that. He will walk again, it's just one week at a time, As for my weight loss. I did hit the 6 month wall. All weight loss stopped. Partially it was my fault too, I ate too much and didnt work out a lot due to stress. I have found that stress halts all my weight loss efforts and when I'm not so stressed the weight has been coming off again this week. I've stuck to my diet and I am proud of myself that despite all this I am still standing and standing in size 14 jeans!

March 7, 2012

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Day 2 after cheat day. Hello 4 lb gain!

So I'm up and decided to weigh myself. I've gain another pound. 4lbs in 2 days??? WTF! I give up. One cheat day??? Really ?!?! Really?!? I've bee. Taking water pills too. Drinking water and I'm working out today. I'm at a loss as to what to do.

October 11, 2011

3

Update Time!! Drama, Feeling Lost And Weight Loss

I feel lost. Just lost. My hubby is doing much better now. He is going thru physical therapy to try to get him moving his limbs and eventually he will walk. He can talk, but his voice sounds strained and hoarse. He still is on a feeding tube. he has to pass a swallow test, but keeps failing. They will try again in two weeks. His liver is still troubling and he is on dialysis cause his kidneys stopped working. He is out of the ICU now and in a regular room, but our son still cannot visit on that wing. Hopefully one day he will be strong enough to be put in a wheel chair so he can go down to the family waiting area to see our son there. In other news, my niece that was watching my son decided to move with her boyfriend and get a daytime job. I ddidnt wish her any ill will. I just spent one stressful week calling and visiting places. I was paying my niece, but regular child care is super expensive. Especially when I am paying all the bills and struggling. I finally found a place and a lady that will work with my budget. However this also means that I can only see my husband on the weekends now. Before my niece had a night time job and I would wait till she got off, put my son to bed and go up there to visit at night for a little. Everyting seems to go wrong all at once. I spent the days I had off to try to find some financial assistance. I have been so frustrated at the lack of help. I dont want anyone to tell me that help is easy to find. It's not. You have to be practially destitute to get help, with everything about to be shut off. Shouldnt organizations try to help before your credit is ruined, you are about to be evicted and your heat shut off?? Then there is the fact that for most places I make too much money. I've tried to move out of our townhouse and into a smaller place, but our Apartments wont work with me. $500 transfer fee plus a deposit and first months rent for me to move to a smaller place. if I could pay that I wouldnt be asking to move in the first place. I tried to get child care subsidy but there is a 3 months waiting period!! I did find a food pantry to help and got some food. Thank god for the lapband! I just use the food to feed my son. I feel so lonely. Sometimes I just cry alone. I miss my niece being there. I only look forward to going to work so I can talk to adults. I talk mostly to my cat and my son. My best friend calls or texts but she is young and busy. Most people pity me or say they will pray for me, but not any real help. I miss my husband so much. I just want one day off. One day where I dont have to stand outside in the cold in front of some so called Christian Charity and have them turn me down. Or where I dont have to spend all day at work applying for help that never comes. I'm depressed. I'm broke and my heart is hurting. In positive news my wieght loss continues. I'm at 250 now. I lost on the average of 8-10lbs a month!! I havent been able to work out in over a week cause of my schedule now. I'll try to do something maybe afterwork, but I have the baby and its cold. Maybe get some tapes or something when income tax time comes thru.

January 18, 2012

3

Up one pound today and about to give up.

I am about to give up seriously!! After gaining 5 lbs of I guess what was water weight, I finally as of Friday get back down to 275. Well this morning I am up to 276. Haven't done anything different just my body wants to gain. I'm so tired of this ****. This is crazy. Monday I start the biggest loser at my job and I am sure now that I will fail. I will start working out 3 times a day. Weights in the morning. An hour walk at lunch and a walk when I get home. If that doesn't move the scale then I dunno. My body is a freak.

October 15, 2011

4

Yup fill PA done made me mad!!

I had my 2nd fill yesterday and it was painless. I have gained 5lbs since my cheat day on Sunday. Today I think I am down 2lbs, but really I dont know anymore. The scale at the fill center says i'm 280, but I know 1lb of that at least was what I was wearing but whatever. I've noticed during the day I am at least 2lbs heavier. Anyhoo...The PA questioned what I ate and how I worked out and sounded like I was lying! I was deeply hurt and offended. It's bad enough I'm a slow loser and one cheat day sets me back a week. I dont need anyone else making me feel like I'm not working hard. I am. I've never worked this hard ever trying to lose weight. She said it would almost be impossible for me to eat less than 1000 calories and work out 4-5 days and be the weight that I am. I should be losing 4-8lbs a month. for my size it should be 6 punds a month. She told me to bring a print out of what I'm eating for a week for my next fill. Whatever. Ugh I'm so mad. yeah I should weigh 274, but guess what? My body SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully liquids for a few days will help. I'm out of answers. I'm so confused. If I upp my calories and that doesnt work then I'm going to what I know. Ultra low carb high calorie diet. I lost consistantly by not counting calories but carbs. I count both now and it is killing me. So yeah she made me feel like a failure. I guess I am. I am so cranky lately and on edge. I dunno what the band is doing to me??? Is it the lack of food. I dunno? something has to change. Something has to give, but I dont know where to start.

October 12, 2011

5

Oatmeal is the Devil!!!!!!!!!!!! I worked out today, ouch

Oh yeah its the devil. I've decided to stop eating it!! I think it is the source of my stall. Waaaay too many carbs for me. So yesterday was my last day. I'll just give the rest to my son. We'll see how this works. Today I see my dr for the first time since surgery. I was suppose to go last week, but last week was an utter meltdown. babystter almost passed out and had to go to the hospital. I totally freaked. I had to leave work early and stay home with my son until she recovered so there went my workout plans. Blah! Im still angry about not losing. I feel like I have gained weight. I have stayed away from the scale, but I can feel my a** spread everyday. We shall see. I know I got a weigh in at the dr.'s. I'm terrified. I worked out today. OWWW!! i feel a sharp pain in my side now. I just know I kinda over did it, but jesus a light workout feels like a waste of my time. I dont think 30 min of cardio would be that bad. Oh well I feel better now. Probably just rusty. The barbells are calling my name. I so wanna lift. I'm gonna ask my dr about that today. I know 3-4 weeks, but cardio for the next couple of weeks aint gonna cut it unless I do 60 min a day 4x a week. I have to feel the burn! Obsessive? maybe? I never said I was too sane. LOL!!! I feel a bit weak. Maybe I should eat before lunch, but i'm not hungry. Bandster heck is terrible!!

September 20, 2011

2

Ok wow some seriously bitter people on here!!

Ok here we go. Jesus I didn't know some people get their panties in a wad over others threads. I didn't know that sounding like a bitter **** was just on par in someones postings on a message board. I came here for info, encouragement, boredom not to be talked to like I'm an idiot. I've done so well though. Not one curse word!! Normally I would tell someone to **** off. The point is if you don't have something nice or constructive to say then just hit the exit button. If you have no clue about a person then ask and don't assume you know. I'm new but I can read between the lines. Take your b.s elsewhere cause I ain't trying to hear it!!!

September 20, 2011

3

So...tired...fading fast...Thud

Ugh I am so tired. WTF? I feel like I'm gonna pass out seriously. Maybe not enough calories? I dunno. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. I'm having a hard time getting up in the morning too. I've never felt like this before. Kinda scary, but I just dont want to go over 1200 cal. My dr told me I shouldnt go over that much. UGHHHH!

September 22, 2011

2

Went to see my surgeon and healing period over!!!

Well well well according to my surgeon my healing period is 2 weeks. He said he has no idea where people get 2 months from. I should be losing 1-2 lbs per week period. I'm clear to lightly start lifting weights again. Yeah!!!!! No over doing it. I need to up my protein and I'm scheduled for a fill but only if I think I need one. I'm not sure yet. So the whole crap about giving myself time to heal is what some have been told by other doctors. I guess I should have listened to him. I was told yes to give up the oatmeal or so it once a week. Excersize more and more water. I've been slacking on that. It feels good to get the green light.

September 20, 2011

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