I have been struggling with the break up between me and my now ex boyfriend. I struggle with having so many question that I guess remain unanswered. I think it just clicked for me this morning to just get over it. I am currently reading a book by Joyce Meyer Beauty For Ashes: Receiving Emotional Healing as I am reading it the more things are starting to make sense to me. I think that I have so many different emotional heartache. I had to say to myself God Loves you Nikkia, I had to start saying until I finally felt it in my soul. I was never an overweight person.I was wearing a size 12/14 until I had my first son 8 years ago. I think that I felt like I had so much to prove that I could raise my son without anyone. I think I stressed myself out and I really didn't have to prove myself to anyone. I have my second son 3 years later and once again I felt like I needed to prove myself to people and show them I can do things on my own with two kids. I dated a man who was physically and emotionally abusive. I dated him for a year until I just had enough and just felt like I am better off alone. I then dated a man for 4 years and I can tell you he was a good guy I just think that my emotional state at the time was just all over the place. He would say that i was the biggest woman he ever dated. I wasn't sure how to take it. I went to a Dr, that my mother went to for weight loss. the program was great I was on 1000 cal diet and he also gave me phentermine and I was on a roll. From April to June I had lost 60lbs. Funny thing is everyone looked at me and would say I looked great but I was still so unhappy. I didn't do it for me I did it so my then boyfriend would be happy. he to this day says that he didn't have a issue with my weight, yet he would mention issue with my weight. I lost my job in 2007 and I was so unhappy in the relationship that i began to go back to what I love. FOOD. I would eat and eat because I just didn't care anymore.
When I made the decision to get the lap band I really just got sick feeling sorry for myself. I still have the emotional set backs but my love for Nikkia is so much greater. Happiness is not about losing the weight because you can lose the weight and still be miserable.
My focus now is to become a healthier person and to have a better balance of dealing with my emotions. I am a giving person and I want to share so much and give so much, I just have to remember to think about Nikkia and the things that want and need. I am thinking about becoming a foster parent. I feel that there is so much to offer a child and I want to offer a child not a new life but a second chance.
I weighed myself today and I am currently 251.8 before surgery weight 280 surgery date 7/27/11
Unti tomorrow
Msoutlaw
this is me when I loss 60lbs
Msoutlaw
the picture attached I had loss 60 lbs
Its been soo long since ive done an entry. I think I actually missed my entries and I think that I will continue to blog with the hopes of healing myself and maybe helping someone. so here is a little back story. I had the lapband in 2011 and in 2014 it slipped and I had the gastric sleeve. I developed really bad GERD and in 5/1/2018 I had the gastric bypass. I am still happily married and we actually added a new member to the family I had my daughter 12/26/13 and lord does she keep me on my toes. I have started my own business and which I have opened two stores in one year.
Now that I have had the gastric bypass I will say that I think this is the best surgery I have had. I will admit I still have to work on the program the dr. has in place for me. I just feel that I have so much to focus on that the plan is like a final exam that I have to continue to work on. I will say I am committed to losing the weight and finally reaching my goal and come my 7Th wedding anniversary next year I will be on a beach and proud of the body and the person I have become thought out this journey.
Unit tomorrow
Good Morning Band mates,
It has been so long since I have added an entry and I will do my best to keep up with my entries. Well, lets start with the math. Surgery date 7/27/11 279, current weight 219. goal 165. I am very happy with my progress and I think the more I see the numbers change the more I push myself. My goal is to get to 165 by my 34th birthday which is March 30th. I work hard and I know if I continue the path that I am on that I will meet. it.
Now down to my topic of the day Sabotage. I have read some blogs and once again I am reading about not losing any or not losing as much as they would have like. I think that some people are self Sabotaging themselves. I am reading things that makes me wonder why did you chose to make a change in your life by getting the surgery if you weren't going to make the necessary changes for the changes to occur? I make a choice to now eat right and to work out 4 times a week, everything is about the choices that you make. Stop with the Sabotage and look deep within yourself. I workout with a friend of mine that also had the lapband done and I think because she is going through the same thing I am going through it make us both work harder to get to our goal. The more you say that you can't the more you won't. You are what you think, change your thoughts about yourself and stop comparing yourself to others and enjoy the journey you are on right now. You may have bumps in the road and you may have a set back and that's just life. How you chose to deal with your set backs are totally up to you. when I work out I listen to Joel Osteen and I listen to the positive things that he says and I apply them to my everyday life. You are a beautiful person and you have so much to offer, you have to believe it within yourself.
Until tomorrow
MsOutlaw.
Hello everyone,
Its has been so ling since I have blogged. So much has happened well lets start with the numbers first . Surgery 7/27/11 279lbs . Current weight 216 lbs. My lowest 193. I will admit that I am upset with my current number simply because I just have not focused on what I was doing. I had to get a small unfill because my esophagus was enlarged and my dr. suggested that i get an unfill. So I don't have the same " sweet spot" that I had before. I currently have 7.75cc in my band. I had 8.25 so I am sure I will get back to my sweet spot. s
Well, on another note, I have some great news I GOT MARRIED!! Yes, I got married March 23, 2012 and I am so happy. I have known my husband since high school, but we never dated. We lived our lives and one day I saw him on a dating website and sent him a message on February 28,2012, we went on our first date March 1,2012. I must say I have great husband and I am truly blessed to have this man in my life. He offers the support when I need it. He is my best friend and I wouldn't trade him for the world.
I am not trying to settle my mind and get back to basics. I have to admit I have stop focusing on what I should be doing. I think being a newlywed and just enjoy the blessing that god has givien me. I lost my grandmother in July and I was extremely hurt and that also made my focus on was still off. I have a talk with myself, Life happens and I have to stay accountable for the things that I do and that I don't do. I am making a promise to myself that I will get back to onederland and I will celebrate all the small and big victories that I have along the way.I do feel that having this blog will allow me to see for myself how far I have come.
I want to say I am sorry for not keeping up with my entries. I left my job and started my own business, I have had this business for about 2 years but I am not fully involved with the business full time. www.jurneeservices.com. I am very let me get down to the math. Surgery date 7/27/11 281 current weight 241... Very proud of my progress and I will continue to work hard. Who would have thought that cleaning homes would be the best workout. Now, remember the guy I told you I was with for 4 years off and on? Well, we are working on things. We have always been in contact even when I was seeing Paulton, I know that was wrong but I was with this man for 4 years and he has my heart. I started doing the LOVE DARE which is a great book for anyone looking to restore your relationship/marriage. I love Teddy and I think that because of my insecurites and love self esteem that I could allow him to love me the way he wanted and I listen to what everyone else would say about the way he should. I am happy and the reason why I am happy is simply that I am now doing things on my terms and making the decisions that I feel is right for me. I had a thing called Approval addiction. I would want to make everyone else happy and do what every I would have to do to make everyone around me happy ad I would forget all about myself and what I wanted to make me happy. I think as I go along this journey I am gaining a whole new person. I am truly happy. I look forward to waking up in the morning with a smile in my heart. I get excited when I meet a goal or challenge myself to do something I use to be scare of doing. I smile wider and sing a little louder, When I pray I find myself thanking God over and over for the blessing that he has given me. I smile because for so long I walked with my head down. I have been reaading blogs and I am still finding people with the victims mentality. I am not losing weight, the scale is not moving , I am so frustrated and it is starting to get real old. people this is the greatest journey you an every be on embrace the good and the bad days. embrace change, I will say it again you can not keep doing the same things and expecting different results. I realize that you will have challenge and you will fall short of some things but keep going. push yourself harder then you ever have before. I had to realize how much I loved Teddy and my three boys ( Teddy has a son that lives with him) I had a family and made a lot of mistakes that I lost my family. I would blame Teddy for the reason the relationship didn't work, but truth be told I had more to do with it then he did. I was moody and had an attitude and it was impossible to be around me because I was so miserable. The hardest thing I think is to look yourself i the mirror and self evaluate yourself. When I did it I cried for about two hours. i asked God to heal me and to wash me clean. My vision is becoming clearer and I am enjoying the things that I see. I am finally doing things on my terms
Well, today I went to the Dr. for what I thought was for a fill and that was no the case. I weighed in today and I lost 8lbs in two weeks . I was so shocked that I told her that she had to weigh me again. lol. I don't snack between meals because I don't have desire to do so. I drink water all day. I brought the Brita water bottle and I use that all day. I put lemons in my water. My total weigh loss since surgery is 34lbs in 6 weeks. I am excited, and I also think it will make me work harder each week. I had to really think about my journey and do I want a microwave journey or a Crock pot Journey. Let me explain: Have you ever cooked a roast? If you put the roast in the microwave, yes it will cook fast but how does it taste? is it tender or tough? When you use a crockpot, you season the roast and you let it SLOW cook. when you come home your house is filled with the great smells from the roast. It took time to become tender and you can taste the seasonings. I think that's how we have to look at this journey. If you want to lose it fast you can, but what are the chances that you will be happy and that you won't gain the weight back? If you take your time and allow yourself to adjust to you new life style and take every milestone for what it is you will be able to enjoy so much you allowed you body to prepare for the new you. I smiled today because I know my hard work paid off and it will continue to see the progress weather its 1-2 pounds a week or 4 pounds a week it all takes time. We all have goals and that great, we just don't need to rush to get there.
Until tomorrow
Msoutlaw
Yesterday I watched Dr. Phil and there was a woman on who was 5'2 and weighed 520lbs. I am watching the show and I at first I felt sorry for her. I listen to her story and I just couldn't understand why she was laughing at some of the things she would say. I can remember when I moved to North Carolina. I moved or should I say I ran so I didn't have to deal with the issues. I moved to North Carolina where I had no friends or family. I would go to the buffets and I would order food and I would just eat, because I was so unhappy. I never once thought that I should really think about what issues I was running from. I remember sitting on my couach watching a dvd and having a large poppa Johns pizza and wings and not seeing anythng wrong with it. I was so consumed with issues from my past that I stop living in present time. I was not balanced when it came to a lot of things. I say to you live in the moment, you may not be happy about something today but things about how blessed you are. I have two wonderful boys that challenge me to be a better person. I am aunt to 4 great kids and a friend to my circle. I laugh when I think about how I was so miserable that I didn't even see what I had in font of me. I have a closer relationship with my mother. I think when I let go and let God alot of what I thought was wrong really wasn't as bad as I thought it was. The mind is a battle field and it will make you think things that are not really there, make you feel things that you never really knew you could feel. As we go on this journey, I challange you today to take 5 mintues out of your day and write 5 things you are greatful for. I write mine on a post it and I read it every morning while I am bushing my teeth. I also have a copy of it in my car on the visor. I read it all the time because no matter how bad of a day I am having I still have so much more to be thankful for. Think about the things that you have and not what you don't have. The challenge is simply to allow yourself to be in the moment. I was listening to to Kirk kirk franklin's " Smile." I think that even when you are hurting just smile.
Good evening all,
Today was my first day back on program, and I am not going to lie and say it was easy. Since getting married, I have enjoyed many date nights with my husband and just started to focus less on the things that I should. Today was a new day for me. I woke up and ate a Greek yogurt and that was a bit strange because i was use to picking up a a bagel and cream cheese and a coffee. That little voice kept saying that I didn't want that and I could really eat the yogurt and be satisfied. My husband brought me " The Biggest Loser" for XBOX and I started working out and I am going to be honest 20 minutes in I wanted to quit. That little voice in my head kept telling me that I could do it. I completed the 30 minute workout and I felt a since of accomplishment. I believe that sometimes we have to program our " voice in our head" to say when I say I CAN'T please tell me that I CAN. I don't think anyone will say that the journey is easy.You will have many obstacles in the way life will happen and you may have challenges how you chose to deal with the challenges it totally up to you. I truly believe that this journey has taught me so much about the things that I CAN do and not so much of what I CAN'T do.
Yesterday was such a good feeling, I prayed and asked God to allow me to relive that same feeling again. I woke up this morning in a good mood on purpose this morning . I didn't care that it was raining or that I had a meeting with a client who at the last minute cancelled. I care that I woke up with joy in my heart. I think we beat ourselves up over the smallest things and we carry it all though out the day. I think if we make it our business to say no matter what I will be OK and not look to the negative side of things when something we were expecting goes wrong. I have read some blogs and when someone doesn't lose as much as they would have liked their mood changes. I am very much understanding of how disappointment can make you feel. We have to change the way we handle the disappointment. That's what this journey is all about doing things differently then how we did it before. We can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results. I do things now on purpose, like saying good morning to a complete stranger or smiling at the lady in line behind me. I have no idea who they are but my hello and my smile may be what they needed to get them out of their bad moods. We have to really focus on the things we have and not so much of what we don't have. remember the 5 things that you are thankful for.
I am thankful for.....
1. My God is forgiving and loving God
2. My Kids
3. My health
4. My Children's Health
5. Courage, and the ability to take a chances.
You may not be were you want to be today, but you are a lot closer then you were yesterday.
Until tomorrow.
Msoutlaw
I first want to say that finally making it about me for a change has really been a struggle. I say that simply because I worry and have a concern for everyone that I do sometimes forget to focus on me and think about the things that i want and that I need. Myy boyfriend and I broke up, it kind of caught me off guard and I have been trying to deal with the emotions that come along with losing someone you love. I am an emotional eater and having this lab band has really saved me. I worked out to get rid of some of the anxious feelings that I was having. I think that I have gained a little more control over how I deal with my emotions and that I need to find balance and not worry about the things that I can't change. I have also ended a friendship. I think that sometimes people want to be happy for you, but sometimes don't know how. I think that people are so use to taking advantage of me. As my confidence is increasing by the minute I am starting to speak up for myself and make better choices about the people I confide in. I think that I have allowed people to walk all over me that it became the norm. I know that I don't want to be in a relationship anytime soon. I really want to find Nikkia and really learn to love Nikkia for a change. I think that's going to be the hardest part. I have to find away to remove all the negative images that I would have of myself and start replacing them with positive. I think sometimes I am afraid of being happy.I say that simply because I have been so unhappy for so many years and have had people tear me down that I just don't want to get so excited about things and then only to be disappointed later on. When my boyfriend and I broke up I cried for two days. I cried because I did love him and I did want the relationship. I was trying to find a way to fix the issue. he was there for me though out the preop and he was there the day of surgery. I am sure my heart will heal and I will move on. I think I am the type of person who always has to have a reason why things happen. I am now learning everything takes time , just like losing weight to get to my goal weight everything that I want will take time as well.
Until tomorrow,
Msoutlaw
Good Afternoon Bandmates,
It has been so long since I have made an enrty I almost feel bad about not doing so. I say almost because I know my reasons are good. I have been enjoying life. God has truly blessed me in a way that I wake up every morning thanking him. Well, I am about to celebrate my 3 year bandiversary. 7/27/11 I was had my lap band and I truly believe that to this day that I made the right choice for me. I am also going to be celebrating my 2 year wedding anniversry. I must say my husband is my best friend. we have our moments but for the most part I thank god for blessing me with a great provider for our family. I received my third blessing, My daughter Essence Laverne on December 26. I look at her and wonder how did I get so lucky to be chosen to be her mother. I gained a lot during my pregnancy and I will say that I have no shame about doing so. I have unfills and I knew that by doing so that i ran the risk of gaining weight back. I am 10 pounds shy from my pre surgery weight and once again I am OK with it.
I think because I know what needs to get done and I believe that if I was successful the first time I will be successful again, I was thinking about possibly getting the sleeve done but I think that with the success that I have already had with the lapband that if I focus and I will accomplish my goal.
Unitl Tomorrow
Msoutlaw
Good Morning Bandmates,
Today was offically my day one. I was banded 7/27/11 and made great strides to losing weight with the tool we call lap band. My starting weigh was 281 poounds. throughout the year my lowest weight was 185 pounds. I was so happy that not only did I complete a task and follow through with it I can honestly say that the journey was hard but well worth the every up and downs of the journey. I had a baby in december and like i said previous I had unfills throughout my pregnancy. I was enjoying the pregnancy and the cravings were off the wall and to be honest i enjoyed every moment. I have to say that looking at my daughter I can say I made that and I thank god that he has allowed me to take part in the mircle of making her. My baby is now 2 months old and I am now healed and ready to tackle the journey once again to losing the weight that I have gained. My current weight is 261 pounds. I have no shame about that number. I say that because I know with hard work and true focus I will get back to my post weight. today I got on the exercise bike today and oh my goodness was it hard work. I didn't go as long as I would have like would have liked but like my husband told me a little will go along way. I was fustraded because I didn't do what I planned. I think that sometimes we put more pressure on ourselves that when we don't meet our own expextations that we shut down and feel like you have nothing eles to offer. I believe that with every failure that I have endured I have just as many success. I had to think about the first day after my surgery and I wanted to tackle the world and I set all these goals that I was going to meet and I was going to show everyone what I could do. When I didn't meet my first goal I cried. I don't even know why I was crying. No one told me show me what you got? no one said I had to lose weight by a curtin day.I had to get out my own way and allow baby steps and thats when I started to see the results. If you are new to getting lap band or you are a vetern we will all face ups and downs through the journey. I have a "crockpot" mentality ( see my previous post)
Today I chose to celebrate my task of getting back to being active and I may not have road my bike for the 30 mins that I planned but I did make an honest attempt, I know that as I continue to push myself and with the support of my husband I will be successful. today's task celebrate the small things the same way you would celebrate the big ones.
Until Tomorrow
Msoutlaw
Good Morning Band mates,
I am feeling good this morning. Just completed my workout for the morning and I am ready to tackle today's journey. Something very interesting happened to me this morning. I was coming out the gym and bumped into a lady that I use to work with Nora. Now Nora was the weight watchers queen, she could tell you how many points something was just by looking at it. I am sitting here laughing because as much as she was aware of how many points things were she was big as a house. I couldn't understand why a person with her knowledge was still so big. The first thing she said to me was wow you look good. I said thank you and was open about having had WLS. I wonder why sometimes people feel they need to keep what they have done a secret. I think that if I can help another person just by telling them my story and showing them the results of what I did, then why not.
I think we make things bigger then they really need to be. I think that we forget the celebrate the small things and allow ourselves to enjoy things for what they are and not what they could have been. I think that we get so caught up with the numbers that we allow the numbers to determine how we are going to feel. I have a week that I didn't lose anything, and yes it can be disappointing and you feel sad but when I look at the scale and I don't see 279 I am still happy. You have to train yourself to celebrate the simple things. Remove anything negative you may have about this journey and replace it with positive thinking. I worked out today, I celebrate that I am able to do 60 minutes on a treadmill. I couldn't have done that before. I celebrate the small thing of putting on a size 16 and not having to wear a size 22. We sometimes forget how far we have come in the journey. You will only be defeated when you allow yourself to be defeated. I challenge anyone on the blogs that get upset when they don't lose to look back on what you did for the week and how did you eat? did you work out? are you drinking enough water? all these things are things you have to look and and think about what you need to do to make things better for yourself. Lap band is a tool, it is not the deciding factor to your life.
I had a very interesting week, my now ex reached out to me on Tuesday. I wasn't sure how I would respond once we did speak. I at first would only give him one word answers and I could tell that he was a little uncomfortable which was the reason why I did it. I am not sure what happened but in the mist of the conversation I had to change the direction. I felt like he may be thinking that I was heart broken and that I was so unhappy and the truth is that is far from the case. I am disappointed that we are no longer together, but not to the point that I need to sit and morn loss of a boyfriend. I am now starting to understand when people say that people enter you life for a season. I believe that he was there to be the support that I needed during my process with my surgery and he gave me great insight to things that I would have possibly took as a negative experience. I am not in the least mad at him and I made sure during the conversation that I let him know just that. I can hold my head up today and say I am proud of who I am becoming. everything is a working progress and I know God has got a blessing with my name on it. Paul told me that he didn't want to end things but he wanted to work out his issues and really be able to be the man that he knows I deserve. I took what he said and to be honest I respected that he was able to acknowledge his issues and not put me through unnecessary drama. I can also say that I will not be waiting around for him to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up. I think we someone times put our lives on hold for others and we don't allow ourselves to live life the way we see fit. I truly believe that my life has changed for the better. I feel like I now want to take control over who I want to be and not what everyone else wants me to be.
until tomorrow
Msoutlaw
Hello Band Mates,
I have never done a blog before and thought this would be a good way to connect with people who may be going through the same things or have already gone through some to the ups and downs of the Lap Band Journey. My Name is Nikkia and I am 33 years old and a single mother with two boys ages 8 and 5. I am 5'9 and my post op 280 and my current weight is 258. My surgery was July 27,20011. Looking back I am so glad that I made the decision to have the lap band surgery. Myself esteem was at an all time love and I just didn't know what to do and how to feel about anything because I was so caught up in my own mind of denial about my feeling and never really took action to make changes. I have a great support system and I am forever thankful. My mother and my boyfriend have both been there to see me through the process. In January I told Paulton that I was thinking about getting the lap bad and of course he felt that I was fine and didn't need to get the surgery done. what he and many of my family and friends failed to realize how unhappy I was every time I would look in the mirror or how I hated going shopping for clothes April 12,2011 changed my life and impacted in so much that it really made me search within myself to get healthy and happy. April 12, 2011 my step sister killed herself and three of her four children. Her death effected me in away that I had to take a good look at myself. I was always one to have a victims mentality about everything and scare to step out on faith out of fear. I went to a seminar on April 27, 2011 and the process was well worth it. The day of the surgery I was so nervous, I was to be at the hospital at 7:30 am. I don't think I even slept the night before. My mother and Paulton were there and so were my boys. Dr. Kwon put me at ease and it was time to get started. Today my love for Nikkia is increasing day by day. I am not going to lie I do have a slight fear of failing. I am looking forward to so many things but in the back of my mind I want to scream out joy because this is the first time I doing something for me. My first Post op visit was August 1 and I lost 15lbs. My next appointment is August 15. ( tomorrow)
I ask you to take this journey with me and allow the love for ourselves to grow. This is not a race, its a Journey. this .blog is for positive thinking only. I will add entries everyday day..
"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."
MsOutlaw378
Over the weekend I was having a conversation with a friend of mine. I started to notice a trend in the things she would say, she would say well this person did that and this person did this to me. I was more then willing to listen to what was being said and really tried to find the true meaning of what she was saying. to be honest I was lost, I was lost because I would hear what everyone did to her and yet she never took accountability for the things that she said in did. Today's task is to start holding yourself accountable for the things you do and the things you don't do. I read someone's blog today and I was soo mad that I had to back out of reading it. She was complaining the scale hasn't moved for her and how the people around her around her stressing her out so much is going on. I am trying to figure out who said that having the lap band done would make all your troubles go away? who said that the lap band was a problem solver? I was trying to see in the blog if she worked out or if she was eating the right thing? its easy to blame someone or something when it doesn't turn out the way you hoped. If you want change you have to let go of the fear. I think we are so scared of whats behind the new door that we choose to stay in the same OLD situations. If I don't loose anything I can say well, I didn't work out or I didn't eat the right things. I can't blame it on anyone other then myself. Keep it real with yourself. I like to workout in the morning, I make sure that I get up early enough to make the time to work out. Some people may say that they are not morning people, and I say this if you needed to catch a plane you would get up early enough to do so. Why can't you get up early enough to take care of your body? Reading the blog really bothered me because its sad that nothing is being learned though out the journey, and sadly she will remain the same way until she challenges herself to make a difference.
