Now let me start by saying sleep is hard to get for me to begin with. I have a 2 year old that sleep walks and a 5 month old that still wakes up at 11pm and 4am for feedings. And so now that I've taken the 1st steps come all the what if's that are keeping we awake.
Like the.....what if this really happens for me?
1. will it work?
2. will I be able to play with my kids and not feel like I'm dying?
3. will people finally see me and not the fat?
4. will I look good in clothes again?
OH THE POSSIBILITIES......
and the questions and day dreams don't stop there.....I found myself getting nothing done yesterday at the office and then sitting in my bed last night eyes WIDE OPEN considering all the possibilities. I promised myself I wouldn't do that you see. Just incase my insurance denies me...but I can't help it....what this would do for me and what it has done for so many has me sitting on the edge of my seat.....like waiting for the part you know is coming as the music gets louder and louder ......
So I ask...what is sleep? I am not sure I will get any for a minute or two.... Let's just hope it's worth it.
Could this ever be a reality? I hope so....
I, as many of you, have had weight issues my whole life. I have tried the "diet & excersice" routine religiously in the past....and well I'm here today so I'm sure you know the outcome and how successful I have been in t he past.
Funny enough though, I decided a couple of weeks ago to take Oprah's stance on it (after yet another failed attempt at a similiar version of the Atkin's Diet) I decided that I "would not be defined by my weight". You know one of those attempts to pacify our mind so that maybe we can stop torturing yourself with the unrealistic goals. But as always that to never last.....
My last straw .....(that moment when you give up on your own ability to control your weight and seek help from anyone or anything) happend just recently on June 9th, 2011.
In a conversation with my boss about me finding a new doctor now that my insurance has kicked in, I asked who he uses(just a family doctor).....the conversation (one sided at this point) went a little something like this......
"oh my Dr. is great but he isn't what you would expect from a Dr. He so fat. I mean when I say FAT I mean really FAT. How unhealthy should a Dr. be. It's rediculous! He so short and dumpy. Just to give you an idea of what I'm talking about, and no offense to you, but he's shaped like you."
Let's just say that I cried for hours when I went home for the day.....He said it like it was a KNOWN FACT....no big deal he just called me short, fat, and dumpy. :'o('' and later I was told that his "culture" doesn't see anything wrong with.....wait for it.....the truth. Oh thanks for that one too!
So now a few short days later with a wonderful supportive husband by myside, I have been in touch with my insurance company and signed up for a required seminar to try and start this process.
so to say the least I am excited, nervous, scared, worried, and anxious all at one time....but all with reservation because it's not hard to remember how it feels to be disappointed each time you feel your dreams are within reach to only fail again........I don't want this life anymore.
Keeping my head up and hope to be posting more blogs in the future about my "journey" to my healthy me!
