So I am a little over a week post op and finally in a better frame of mind. I am ashamed to be admitting this but hope that maybe it will help someone else. Please no judgement.
*DEEP SIGHS*
How could I be 2nd guessing my choice....I mean I worked so hard to make this happen and have researched it for 8 years.......but I did.
Right after surgery it all hit me like a ton of bricks ....not in the chest but right in the face. And all I kept asking myself is WHAT HAVE I DONE? This surgery that I kept telling myself was reversable was not as easily reversed as I had made myself believe. The minute I walked through my front door all I could think is "this is NOT what I want" and now it's to late!"
And the only reason I could say that it wasn't what I wanted ,Swas because I couldn't quit thinking about all the food that I would never be able to eat again. And not getting to eat any food for a week and then knowing I was only going to be on pureed food for another 3 weeks just made it worse. I WANTED TO EAT......and I wanted to sit on the floor with all my favorite foods and .........CRY. I didn't understand this. I couldn't understand how I had become so attached to food and not even know it.
A REALLY GOOD FRIEND of mine, Diane, (God Love her) had mention that sometimes we mourn the loss of food like it was a good friend.....and I read what she wrote but apparently didn't listen before hand because it came as a total shock to me. I mean how could I actually be mourning the fact that I might never get to eat a pizza again and even worse, my favorite, spaghetti. (this is where I want to put the LOL but it's not so funny. I am quite ashamed. I truly found myself crying and crying....I wouldn't admit it when my husband asked me what was wrong....but I honestly knew why I was crying even if I didn't understand it myself. This went on for almost a full week. But I am thankful to say I am in a much better frame of mind.
The surgery itself, looking back, was really very easy. It's the emotions that I thought I had a handle on before surgery....and then feeling like I was loosing my mind....that has really been the hard part for me.
But yesterday was a good day and today was better. I Sat down to dinner with my family finally tonight. I had a very small bowl of pureed chili and I didn't feel like I lost my best friend. I enjoyed our family time. Tomorrow I hope it's the same.
THANK YOU DIANE FOR BEING HERE FOR ME EVEN WHEN I WASN'T.
My surgery is a go for this Friday at 12:30pm. I was able to come up with enough with the help of a very wonderful friend and spoke with the hospital this morning and they said they would take what I have and I can make payments on the rest......
I am so overwhelmed with gratitude and emotion......this is a good day!
I want to thank everyone who prayed and sent best wishes to me. We have all experienced negativity plenty in our lives and to find a place where I have been met with nothing but support and understanding is amazing. Talking with many of you has been such a wonderful part of my beginning steps toward my journey and I am looking forward to really getting to know you guys.
I want to say a special thanks to Diane, Kab, Dee, Diva, Wearyourpassion, Roe, and Glenda. You guys helped me get through these last several days with the encouraging words and messages sent. Diane you are truly and angel. God has blessed me with meeting you wonderful woman on here and I can't thank him or you enough.
DID I MENTION.....MY SURGERY IS A GO! GOD IS GOOD....thank you for helping me help myself :Banane44:
It feels good. But things have sloowwwwweeeeedddd way down. I haven't lost anything in a week and a half. But I'm not discouraged. I don't have much restriction but thanks to the pre op diet I am able to control my portions on my own a little better than before. I have only had to not so good experiences since surgery and I will be happy to share.
1st - One of my residents made me a big thing of banana pudding to say thank you. I decided to have a litte bit. Really only about a 1/2 cup but quickly found out that cream and me really don't do so well since surgery (not sure why this is) and I have to tell you....I have never cramped up like I did within an hour of eating it. I had to take some milk of magnesia and about 5 hours later I finally felt better.
2nd - My husband and I were in a tiff and BOY WAS I MAD and it just so happend to be on a night we made chicken and yellow rice. When I am mad there is no reasoning. I ate to fast and knew I was being STUPID but did it anyway. My chest was a little tight but I was okay. I wanted to just go to sleep and swallowed a sleeping pill with little to no water. IT GOT STUCK....OMG! I laid in bed feeling like I had the worst gas bubble ever and started getting hickups off and on. Mouth was watering and I felt like I was going to gag but didn't. I tried drinking water and it didn't seem to help. I finally got up and went and sat up straight for about 30 mins and FINALLY IT WENT DOWN.....whew! Thank goodness that was over.
But that's it. Learning experiences. I now know not to eat or drink anything with cream. Which I have no business doing anyway. And I know not to eat if I'm upset and to take all my medicine with lots of fluids.
I go on the 16 to get my first fill and I am looking forward to it. I want more restriction. I really can eat more than I should.
<INHALE.> <EXHALE>
I open my Facebook today (you know...aka high school) to this wonderful post from my sister in law (who was at one point my "best friend"):
"WOO HOO I have lost 50 lbs!!!! Its such an amazing inspiration to be able to prove to myself that I can do it on my own without any weight loss surgery. "
hmmm......then this was followed up with post from her friends saying things like: "You go girl! Weight loss surgery is for the weak" "Weight loss surgery is the easy way out" "you should be so proud of yourself for doing it the right way"
COME THE FREAK ON! REALLY??????? I MEAN REALLY REALLY WITH THIS CRAP?????????
My sister in law and I used to talk about this surgery all the time. When I told her I was getting it she seemed happy for me but not as happy as I had wanted her to be but understood. Afterall, It was something she wanted to. But she doesn't work......and has no insurance. Was I supposed to just not get it because she can't. I wouldn't have wanted her to do that at all. Then my favorite was when I didn't think I was going to get it because the hospital told me at the very last minute that I need $2k.......when I told her she ACTUALLY SOUNDED HAPPY! I am not joking.
Anytime I see her she barely speaks to me......and then you go on Facebook and make this kind of comment? So I text her......I am so very proud of you for the weight you have lost! YOU should be proud of yourself. I mean after all you are doing it the right way and not taking the easy way out like me. She actually had the nerve to text me back and say...."don't be down on yourself for getting the surgery"
ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS??????????
I'm DONE.....DON'T YOU DARE SAY YOU ARE DOING THIS THE RIGHT WAY AND I AM NOT.......EXSPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE TAKING PHENTERMINE!
I am truly happy she has found a way to help her loose weight......and I know that even with a tool like phentermine...it is STILL HARD WORK. DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME AND TAKE POT SHOTS AT ME.
What is it I was told before.....the surgery could strain relationships and I could even loose some. RELATIONSHIP LOST - CHECK.
MAN WAS SURGERY EASY......AS FAST AS 1,2,3...AND I WAS DONE....
But then I woke up... haha. I woke up crying and in so much pain.....don't let me forget to mention the worse dry mouth IN THE WORLD! I started burping from the minute I woke up. AFter 2 c-sections I really thought this would be cake for me.....I really shouldn't have. I did have a rough go of it right after.
I thought I was prepared for the gas pain but I really wasn't. I keep walking and taking my gas-x but when I was trying to sleep there wasn't much way for me to get comfortable. I did attempt to lay down in my bed but that was a really bad idea. So my wonderful husband Corey said "babe, let's just sleep on the couch together." Thank the Lord for reclining couches. I actually did get some sleep after that.
When I woke up this morning I really was hurting.....but I got up and walked circles in the house anyway. And I gotta say....."keep walking it will make you feel better" is just now starting to make sense to me because it seemed like when I walked I hurt more... Now things are starting to ease up just a little.
NOW HERE IS AN UNEXPECTED CONFESSION....if I'm being honest.... Last night when the pain from the incisions and gas was at it's worse I lost it....one of the reasons I decided on the lap bad was because if something went wrong or it doesn't work that it is reversable. REALITY SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE LAST NIGHT.....even though it's "reversable" I can't just say I don't like the lap band and pull it out. It's really there....the only way to take it out is surgery. Now I know this is a where you say DUH...... me too! lol. I just did't expect that kind of reaction from myself. This is something I have wanted for years and now it's mine.......so why did I freak out.
Emotions I guess......but today I'm still glad I have been BANDED and I am really looking forward to the rest of my life. At this very moment I want to pass gas though....LOL
NON SCALE VICTORY....lol
It is a good feeling when you are in the middle of a simple conversation with your husband and he stops you to say....."wow, babe...you are really beautiful". and of course I ask him where that came from and he say to me. "You know I think you are beautiful. But you can already see a difference in your self confidence and I really like it".
<INSERT HAPPY DANCE>
I am CRAZY IN LOVE with my husband. It's weird...5 years together and he still gives me butterflies.
I didn't realize how my weight gain had effected my relationship...because of how I felt about myself.....but it did. Everytime I turn around today I have Corey coming up behind me to steal kissed or hugs and to tell me how sexy or beautiful I am. The way he acts you would have thought I had already lost 100lbs instead of 25 to 30lbs. It is wonderful.... It truly reaffirms the fact that I made the right decision to get the surgery. He tells me everyday that he is so proud of me. I know I am a very lucky woman and I cannot thank God enough for such a special man in my life. He's not perfect (Lord knows he can make me mad at times) but he is perfect for me.
He likes to read my blogs and is always impressed with the support I receive from all of you ...... but I hope he knows that his support is amazing in itself.
THAT IS MY NON SCALE VICTORY SO FAR.....and I would say it's a pretty darn good one!
Lots going on in my life.....good things for the most part... I'll get to the part where I need advice in a minute..I want to share the good stuff first.
I GOT A PROMOTION... I will be managing an apartment community in Asheville, NC so we will be moving the 1st week in December. Bye Bye Florida....HELLO MOUNTAINS!! It helps that the promotion comes with a nice fat pay raise too! This is truly a blessing from God and I am so grateful to have a 2nd chance up there. YAY!!
I've been at the gym this week.....went 6 days straight and it feels so good. According to this scale I'm able to use I'm not loosing any "weight" but my clothes are getting bigger on me. Such a good feeling. I go Wednesday for my first fill and I am really looking forward to it.
So here's the part where I need advice..... I came home tonight and started getting ready for bed and found a lump on my breast. *sighs* I don't even have a regular doctor to call. I will call....SOMEBODY Monday but in the mean time I'm left telling myself not to panic....but it is easier said than done. I don't know what to do.....it could just be a boil or a cyst...do I wait and see if it gets bigger or do I go anyway"?
Is it rude of me to ask those of you who pray to say a little prayer for me?
it may have been just that.....a dream.
I am 8 days with no food only liquid for what was supposed to be my pre op diet. I had my appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning for all my test at the hospital for surgery for next Friday.
Then I received a phone call from Robin this morning at the hospital. (well let me take a step back) I was told a few weeks ago that I needed to pay 20% of the cost per my insurance. I asked, "okay, so do I need the full amount by the time of surgery?" (which I figured to be about $2000.00) I was told your surgeon is covered 100% and the hospital will bill you. Well..I still figured I would need to have something so just in case I had about $600. THIS IS NOT THE CASE....which takes us back to the current problem.
Robin called to tell me this morning that I need to have $2189.63 BY TOMORROW. :eek: :angry_smile:
HOW CAN THIS BE? I can't even begin to tell you where my frame of mind is right now. I am on the biggest emotional roller coaster I have ever been on. One second I have fighting tears, the next I am fine, then I am so mad I want to punch someone, then it's full on tears...How could I be so close to my life long dream and have it in my hands and then snatched away so quickly. If they had told me this when I asked maybe I would have been able to do something....but telling me the day before leaves me with no options....leaves me with nothing and heartbroken.
My mind is spinning with trying to figure something out.........after not eating for 8 days I have the urge to go and splurge but I am fighting it
PLEASE GOD.....HELP me figure something out. :crying:
yep...I said it. And it's only day 1 of my liquid diet.
I feel the need to share my experience though. My 2 year old son had his tonsils and adenoids removed today and he is such a champ and doing great. But probably not the best day to have to start my diet.
The surgery center was an hour away from home so I packed my 2 shakes in a bag with ice. Chocolate shake...is tolerable but the Cafe one...not so much! Anyway, my Mom came down for his surgery as well and of course her and my husband were starving 5 hours later so they asked if they could grab a bite to eat......DEEP SIGHS....how could I say no. So they decided they wanted Chili's. Can I JUST TELL YOU THAT WAS NO FUN AT ALL!!!!! My hubby felt pretty bad about it but I really wanted him to eat. BUT I made it through lunch.........
Now it's dinner.....I made Jacob his noodle soup....reserved the broth for me! YAY!
and then I put the roasted potatos and onions on to back with the French's Onion Baked Chicken.........
IT IS TIME TO LEAVE THE HOUSE.....Just sayin'
So to sum up my blog for the day.....If I make it through the next two weeks I KNOW I WILL be successful with the lapband tool.
PS...........I really HATE the shakes
and I have 3 shakes left......
I know some people drink these shakes even after but I swear to you if I even smell another Protein Shake I might gag! I am sitting here just looking at mine for lunch and pouting like my 2 year old son....not wanting to drink it. But alas I know that I have to because that is all I get to eat/drink.
Okay so I have 2 questions I would like to know from you guys before my big day.....
Question 1: What is your least favorite thing about having the lap band?
Question 2: What is your favorite thing about having the lap band?
and for pete sake can someone tell me if I will ever be able to take a bite of Pizza again.....lol I mean I really didn't eat bad before but since not eating for 2 weeks I am wanting PIZZA SOOOO BAD! LOL I know I know....BAD BAD BAD.
and any last minute advice for after surgery.....ie...recovery.....would be appreciated as well!
That's my mind set. It has to be. I don't have it in me to quit without a fight.......
I had surgery September 30th, 2011. I expected my weightloss to be a little slower than I would have liked simply because I received a promotion with work and moved out of state 8 weeks after surgery. It then took me until February to get in with another doctor up here. But since February I have had 2 fills (that's a total of 3) and although I feel restriction and I excercise 4 days a week for 1 hour I haven't lost any weight.
Now with that being said I have lost a total of 27lbs since the start of this. And for me...hey it's 27lbs that I don't need.
I do find myself getting frustrated because I have gone so long without seeing any weightloss. Has anyone else experienced this? If so......please share. I need some encouragement right about now.
I'm doing good and haven't cheated. Not going to lie though some of my motivation was coming from seeing the scale show a decrease in numbers. Nothing for 2 days though....well I can't exactly say nothing either. I gainded a pound back yesterday.
Anyway, I know this isn't the big picture so I'm not stressing if I don't loose much more...but its nice seeing those smaller numbers for a change. I am curious to know though...what you did as far as weighing yourself. Did you weigh yourself each day or did you wait? If you did wait how often?
I tried walking the night before with my family but found that I was really tired soon after starting and then yesterday was a little rough. I love to go for walks but I'm thinking while I'm only consuming 500 - 600 calories a day maybe I should just hold off. What are your thoughts? Just curious?
Am I excited...OH YEAH! :Banane13: I start the liquid diet on Thursday. I never thought I would be so excited to drink my food and not be able to have anything solid! But when you are ready you are ready! The only thing that makes me nervous (at this point anyway) is cooking dinner. I cook every night and we sit down to dinner family style at the table.....thinking maybe this is when I will have my jello. Or I will say prayers with them and go and have a little quite time and read.....not sure yet.
Any advice is truly appreciated.........I am working on my new excerise plan...hope to be back up and working out 4 days a week and walking the other 3 with in a few months. It's been a really long time. And I hope to get my kids involved.....I want them to live a healthier life than I have.
My 2 year old is having surgery Thursday as well to have his tonsils and adnoids removed.....little guys snores so bad because of them and rarely sleeps through the night. I am more excited for him. Keep us in your prayers please!
Might or might NOT be so bad..........
You know I don't have to cook for my family every night....my husband has offered to take that over for the time being....but I feel the need to push myself and be around all the food just like I would be any other time. So I'm cooking and sitting with them like we always do for dinner. I figured if I can't do it....what's the point in me going through with the surgery. I have to make changes....but the people around me don't. Food is such a big part of my ENTIRE FAMILY's life that unless I plan on never going around for cookouts, holidays, birthdays, Sunday's, or just what ever...I better get used to this now. I won't NOT be a part of all the get togethers.........(just to give you an idea of how big my family is....I have 15 nieces and nephews....and I wont talk about cousins)
It's funny....I had the conversation with my husband before I decided to do this....I said "you know there is still a lot of work you have to do to make this successful even after you have the lap band". I said "it is going to take a lot of will power....but if I had will power I wouldn't need surgery right?" He couldn't answer that question any more than I could.... But it is simple to answer for me today....all of a sudden...and I'm not sure that this will be true for me 6 months from now or not but we will see..... For something that seemed impossible before (loosing weight)....with a tool that can help me.....I feel like I have the will power to do my part and help myself.
And I have to add....I am pretty proud of myself... Yes even just 2 days in. I have not only given up solid food for the time being but I have given up sweet tea! For me this is almost as painful as it was when I quit smoking over a year ago! LOL
finally all the testing and doctor's appts done.....I have been waiting on approval or denial from my insurance company.
<insert DEEP SIGH> THEY APPROVED MY SURGERY!!!!
I dare say all of you know what the feeling of anticipating that phone call is like and others who know what it is like to hear YES on the other end and not be expecting it. I don't mean to come off dramatic in saying this but I feel like those people (the insurance company) when they approved it....said yes! Yes Arnetta you can have a 2nd chance at life......you can have the chance to play with your kids on the floor without hurting, or take them to the park, and most importantly be here for them later in life.........I mean what an overwhelming feeling..... I was bracing myself for that NO and I got a YES. I am so excited and surprising....I am scared too.
I know some people think this is a mircle fix....and I know it's not...but I hoping it will be the tool I need to help me reach my goal. I have researched and looked into this since 2002 and I have been through the "fad diets" and worked out 4 days a week religiously for 3 years with little success. I worked my butt off with little results long term (no pun intended btw) I am so thankful to have the option of such a wonderful tool that will help me along the way.
I AM SO EXCITED...........
Went to the seminar last night and met the Doctor! I am impressed with how much I still learned at the seminar. Spoke with his office today and registered online with their office and now I am waiting........on the insurance approval. I am doing okay not getting to excited....I mean it still seems like this can't be real to me. Maybe it's my self preservation mode kicking in.... so many attempts with diets and pills....failed miserably.
I have only told 4 people I'm considering it (outside of you guys of course ) I just think that if it doesn't happen for me right now it will be easier to take the blow the less people know.....make sense?
On the possitive side the doctor said that if they approve everything I could have my band in as little as 5 - 6 weeks WOW! REALLY....
Oiy' these butterflies need to fly away.......I'm not in high school anymore....
Well first ..... I know I blog a lot and I love the fact that I will be able to look back on my journey!
I GOT INSURANCE PRE-APPROVAL!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D
I go Monday for my Medical Evaluation.....
I think I am more excited than a 5 year old on Christmas Eve...
Leads me to my question of I wonder if.....I wonder if I will be this excited when I pass successfully through each step!!!
I AM SO STUPID EXCITED RIGHT NOW.....
I am going to the Phyc Dr. next Wednesday and was going to get blood work done today so I called my insurance company again for the 50th time to find out what lab to go to and the woman I spoke with this time......not so friendly.... She said that my obesity my be considered a pre-existing condition. Okay...so why is it that when I called each time just to check that no one mentions this to me? I know that nothing is guarenteed until it goes before prior review....but why can't we just be given answers when we ask? I don't mind waiting 6 months or a year even but I just want to know damn it.
And when you ask what they consider a pre-existing condition.....HA. What a joke....doesn't answer anything. I will tell you I have not been seen by a doctor in the past for my "obesity". Infact I refuse to go to doctors unless 100% NEEDED because all they want to do is talk about how fat I am and try and sell me on the "weight loss diets" that are going to cost me a fortune that I don't have that if I stop doing for any amount of time I will simply gain alllllllllllllllllllllll the weight back......frik frik frik. I am frustrated!
OH AND SHAME ON ME for immediately looking into the lap band when my new insurance (that covers it) took effect........ MY BAD! I gotta say I wouldn't mind the waiting period if the turd on the other end of the phone had treated me a little better....but she didn't....
Could this ever be a reality? I hope so....
I, as many of you, have had weight issues my whole life. I have tried the "diet & excersice" routine religiously in the past....and well I'm here today so I'm sure you know the outcome and how successful I have been in t he past.
Funny enough though, I decided a couple of weeks ago to take Oprah's stance on it (after yet another failed attempt at a similiar version of the Atkin's Diet) I decided that I "would not be defined by my weight". You know one of those attempts to pacify our mind so that maybe we can stop torturing yourself with the unrealistic goals. But as always that to never last.....
My last straw .....(that moment when you give up on your own ability to control your weight and seek help from anyone or anything) happend just recently on June 9th, 2011.
In a conversation with my boss about me finding a new doctor now that my insurance has kicked in, I asked who he uses(just a family doctor).....the conversation (one sided at this point) went a little something like this......
"oh my Dr. is great but he isn't what you would expect from a Dr. He so fat. I mean when I say FAT I mean really FAT. How unhealthy should a Dr. be. It's rediculous! He so short and dumpy. Just to give you an idea of what I'm talking about, and no offense to you, but he's shaped like you."
Let's just say that I cried for hours when I went home for the day.....He said it like it was a KNOWN FACT....no big deal he just called me short, fat, and dumpy. :'o('' and later I was told that his "culture" doesn't see anything wrong with.....wait for it.....the truth. Oh thanks for that one too!
So now a few short days later with a wonderful supportive husband by myside, I have been in touch with my insurance company and signed up for a required seminar to try and start this process.
so to say the least I am excited, nervous, scared, worried, and anxious all at one time....but all with reservation because it's not hard to remember how it feels to be disappointed each time you feel your dreams are within reach to only fail again........I don't want this life anymore.
Keeping my head up and hope to be posting more blogs in the future about my "journey" to my healthy me!
well...not really but I did decide to get on the scale this morning just to see.
Before I started my 2 week liquid pre op diet I weighed in at 268 lbs. It truly has been probably 7 years since I've seen the scale do anything but go up each time I step on it. For Pete sake even when I went to the doctor last time I gained a pound despite being more active. So I had no intentions of getting on the scale again until I went back to the doctor, but after 3 days of only liquid and NO CHEATING I new I had to have lost at least a pound or two right and it could really be good motivation!
So I get on the scale and I just stare at it.....honestly in disbelief. Could this be true? I mean I've worked hard to not cheat.....I've tried to walk places I would usually not.... even though I was sure it wouldn't make much difference but it was a start...and I drink my 4 shakes a day...even though I HATE THEM! After all that .....was I really reading the scale right. So I blinked and yep the number was still there.......260 lbs!!!! 260lbs after only 3 days. I can't help myself everytime I think about it I want to cry!!!! 8lbs even without the lap bad is a big move in the right direction for me!!! Even if I only loose a pound or two more on the pre op diet I am so stoked about what I have already lost! This feels good.
What weight loss is expected during this time??? How much did you loose? Did you gain any back once you were had the lap band and are able to eat again?
:Banane37: I am working my way through the insurance process which actually is reasonable.....but with a 2 year old and a 6 month old and my full time job...finding time to get the doctor proves to be difficult at times.
But my appointments and blood work are moving along....maybe not as fast as I had hoped.... but none the less we are still moving in the right direction and insurance hasn't said no so far.
so I'm not so over excited that I can't sleep but I am still excited enough to keep wanting this and keep pushing! :woot:
onto day 6 tomorrow!
10 days of my liquid diet left and 10 days to surgery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Felt much better today than I have any other day since I went on liquid diets. And I'm 10 LBS DOWN! Feels good.
After work I came home and my hubby had already had dinner and the kids feed so I said.....Let's do it! Let's go for a walk! I'm so ready. So we loaded up the kids in the double stroller and walked through the community. IT FEELS SO GOOD to WANT to go for a walk.
It hurt and I am tired....but darn it....I wanna do it again tomorrow.
so now is the wait for insurance to tell me yes or no...........<INSERT DEEP SIGHS>
Wish I knew how long this "wait" was going to take. Does anyone else have BC/BS of NC? If so how long did you have to wait after they had everything for the approval?
