Weighed in today. Said I had lost 2 lbs this past month. Big deal! If the truth be known, it was probably the diuretic I took yesterday and today that gave me that. I have not been good with my diet. I have not been eating ice cream and cookies, but I have enjoyed those cheese puffs. Doctor put in 1.5cc to make a total of 7.2 cc in a 14cc band. that's starting to get on up there. I am resolved to getting back into this game. I am really gonna try to make this thing work for me this month. Port site a little sensitive this evening but I have noticed it always is after a fill. Maybe my new thing should be to walk on the treadmill during Soaps instead of laying down with the dog. Gonna do something different. Got to.
Well, I guess you could say I'm no longer a "stuck" virgin. It happened last night. I don't know if I ate too much, too fast, or what, but it was not fun. Had I not read posts from others, I might have thought I was having a heart attack. I had pain that was traveling under my collarbone and up the left side of my neck. I remembered how everyone says drink something hot and I got some hot tea. Once I was able to start sipping on that and start burping, I got better. I will remember that feeling and try not to let it happen again. It is not something I want to experience again. I know that it can and probably will, but I hope not. I also am a little down hearted. Just found out that my brother, who had lapband surgery one week before me, has lost about 100 pounds. Here I am at 45 and holding. I guess I must cheat more than I thought. But I really thought I was doing well the past couple of weeks. SIL told me he walks 4 miles each morning and 4 miles each evening. I do good to walk 1-1 1/2 miles per day. I have got to get on the ball. I have got to get motivated and get my ass in gear. It just hurts so that I am having a hard time with it. I know. Excuses! Excuses! Excuses! I have got to get going though.
OK. So it has been 4 months since I was banded. I have been eating less and less. I weighed yesterday and my scale has not budged. Got so frustrated. I said screw it and made some pralines. Of course, hubby doesn't know that. I have hidden them and are secretly eating them without him knowing. Like a junkie or alcoholic hiding their drinking. Thing is, I know it's wrong but I do it anyway. No one one is forcing me to do it. I think to myself Just one more. Like a drug. I feel alone. Even with hubby in the house. And now he is admitting he needs to have surgery to repair a huge problem he has. I think I dread it more than he does and that is saying a lot. I remember how he was so many years ago with his other surgery. He does not handle pain well. It also doesn't help that he is a smoker. He is not pretty when he is in withdrawal. I feel guilty because I just want to run and hide. It's not like this condition arose overnight. I had some plans to go on a little trip with my daughter in a month, but he told me I may have to not go so I can take care of him. I figure if he has put it off for this long, he can put it off a little longer. Then I get to feeling guilty for thinking that way. Then I look for something to eat. Lord help me.
Yesterday I had my annual physical. My weight was down from last year but not but one pound from last fill. Not the fill's fault though. Have not been very good. Discovered that graham crackers go right down. So on the way home I went to Curves and joined. I paid my money and was shown how to do the circuit. This morning I went for my first session. Made it through the first circuit and thought that I couldn't do anymore. But I was determined to finish so I went around for my second circuit. For some it seemed like an easy workout. But for a fat old lady like me, at this time I thought it was hard. My back and my knees hurt. I did work up a sweat, so that was good. My goal is to go everyday, about noon. that way I'll be back in time for my soap opera (ha-ha). Hubby was surprised that I joined. He did not remember that we had discussed it about a month ago. I am thinking about going to the Rec Center and checking into swimming too. Have to get my courage up. Hubby goes to see surgeon Nov 3 for consultation on his hernias. I will go with him so that I can personally hear what he has to say. Hubby is not hearing things correctly and forgetting things easily so I need to get it straight. At least he is not against the cost of Curves. Of course the Almond Joy minis I ate this afternoon kinda undid what good I did at the gym. I am sooooo bad!
I need someone to talk to, to explain things to, to whine to. There are situations in my life that I can't change. I have to deal with them. But I need to vent them instead of eating my way around them. I just want someone to talk to that maybe knows what I'm talking about.
This last fill has really made a difference. I go longer before I start to feel hunger and I am satified much quicker. I find I don't want to snack as much too. This is a very good thing. I just wish the scale would start to show some loss. I come here to write this for a number of reasons. It helps me to actually say that I am doing better. It helps to get feedback from others. I still seldom leave the house. I feel alone most of the time.even though hubby is always here. I spend my time listening to his complaints, making him food and making sure he takes his medication. He tries to be supportive. He really does. He is just so wrapped up in his own issues that he can see anything else. Most of the time I eat alone, or at least feel like I do. I think I must be grinding my teeth in my sleep because not only is the tooth with the new root canal still throbbing, but both my upper and lower teeth are starting to ache during the day. Every time I think things are going to start getting better, one more thing starts to bother me. Come on Lord. Give me a break .
Had my fourth fill yesterday. Am now at 8.2cc's in a 14 cc band. For the first time I feel like this is going to work. Of course I'm sure yesterday doesn't count. I also had a root canal done yesterday afternoon so staying on liquids was not a problem. And I still cheated. I made 250 cupcakes for church and I could not resist eating some of the batter as I went along. I have no self-restraint. Also my fasting BS was 116 this am. I did not take any Metformin yesterday but did this am. Was not hungry when I got up but I ate a little cottage cheese whith morning meds. BP was also up a little yesterday but that was probably because my weight was up 2 lbs at weigh in. Woke up this morning with new resolve. I am bound and determined to reach the 200's this month even if it's just 299. I have got to start doing better and I think this fill will do it. I've got to be getting close to my sweet spot.
Been an interesting evening. I went to the Center today and had my 5th fill. The below 300 thing did not stay. I hadn't gained any but I haven't lost any either. So now I have 8.6cc in my 14cc band. I wanted her to go to 9cc but we compromised . I was so hungry when I came home that I ate some chicken instead of doing just liquids. Went down OK. No problems. Been drinking lots of fluids all afternoon. Even went to work out at Curves. No problem. Then I fixed supper. I fixed pork chops in the oven with a little gravy. Had some leftover cole slaw and a bite of hubby's dressing and gravy. BIG PROBLEM! Started with this funny feeling in my chest, kinda like a spasm. Didn't hurt or anything. As time went on it began to hurt.Then the slime began. Then the puke, very spontaneous. I thought I was just going to cough but it just spewed out. This is something I will remember and don't want to do again. I guess this means I won't be eating pork chops again, at least any time soon. Scared hubby, but he handled it like a trooper. Now I'm drinking some hot tea and all things are back to normal. I hope this is not a sign of things to come.Surprising what .4cc addition can do.
I need a shirt that says "I survived Thanksgiving with my family." It has been a true experience in all ways. Food wise it has been challenging. I did well with Thanksgiving itself. A little ham, a little turkey, a bite of dressing, a serving of green beans. My downfall was the Watergate salad ( pistaschio pudding, pineapple, Cool whip, Marshmellows). But I made it with sugar-free pudding and fat-free cool Whip so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Ate some Rotel Cheese dip and chips on Saturday, Game Day, and then some Lobster Bisque that DIL made. Both tasted wonderful but the gas and indigestion was horrible for hours afterward. Daughter and DIL announced that the Bisque would be on the Christmas Eve menu. Gonna have to think of some way to get out of eating them gracefully when the time comes. Put some turkey and ham in the freezer for meals later. Gonna make some turkey salad ( turkey, boiled eggs, sweet pickles and a little mayo) to snack on the next few days. Figure it is full of protein so it will help with any hunger. Gonna have eggs and ham in a little while for dinner with hubby. Kids are gone and house is quiet and all I can think about is food. I am craving all kinds of things. Tried to take a nap and all I could think about is what I had that I could eat. Wanted to go to Waffle House and eat greasy hashbrowns and a ham/cheese omelet, but hubby won't go out. I have got to clean the kitchen...again. And pick up the rest of the toys the girls left out. Daughter and DIL put up my Christmas tree. Glad they did cause it really looks nice, but if they hadn't, I wouldn't have put it up. They also got a couple of Santas out so the girls could play with them. The 4 foot one that you can sing along with was a real hit, but I quickly unplugged him as soon as I could. Got the TV in the den working properly after the 4 yo screwed it up by messing with the remote. I know the 4 yo did it cause the 5 1/2 yo delighted in telling everytime the 4 yo did something wrong. She was very quick to say "Rachel did it". And the dogs? Well daughter's dog had a diet of paper, crayons, MM's and turkey, much to her dismay. Everytime I turned around he was trying to eat something the girls left out. Made the dog sick one night. My dog? Well after a $130 trip to the vet and a little doggie valium, let's just say that she is glad to have a little quiet. A least our together time will not be as long at Christmas, but I'll be sure and take her pills with me all the same. Gonna close for now and go feed hubby. Will write more later.
Have not made an entry in this blog in quite some time. Quite frankly I have not wanted to admit what a failure I am. As I sit here making chocolate chip cookes for hubby and me, it is really hypocracy that I am whining about my life and my size. Where to begin. As if I really think anyone will ever really read this and really care about what I say. I stay in a depressed mood. I am having a hard time finding joy in anything. I just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. To add to that tne "Holidays" are coming up. It would be nice if I could go hide until January 2. That way I would not have to deal with Thanksgiving and Christmas along with the Doomsday people that are starting up. They are almost as bad as the Y2K activists.Just saw a picture of two people on Facebook that I used to call my friends at a football game and feel like crying cause they have not called me in so long ago that I can't remember when. I got tired of calling them and decided to wait for them to call me. Guess I got the message. I gave up going to Curves. Decided I really couldn't afford the $44 per month. Son lost his job a coulple of months ago and we gave them money last month. Am forever giving daughter money. I love them but I really don't know how long hubby and I can keep this up. Talked to sister yesterday. She is in China. You would think that would cheer me up but all it did was make me angry and more depressed. She always asks how thing are but I know she really doesn't want to know anything is wrong. What can she do about it half a world away. So I don't tell her about my hair falling out or how my teeth keep breaking and having to be pulled out. Or that right now I have no upper jaw teeth and I am eating nothing but soft to liquid foods and are not low in calorie so I am gaining weight. That my back, legs, knees, and feet hurt so bad when I walk the I don't walk anymore than I have to. Not to mention how short of breath I get when I walk. I sound like a damn train engine when I walk and I feel like I look like a person with CP. I do not feel any restiction with my band but I still break up any pills I take because I fear them getting stuck and puking is not fun. What would people say if they knew that I pray all the time for the Rapture to come and take me away so I won't have to continue to live like this. I have tried to take a few extra pills at night just to see if I can go to sleep and not wake up but apparently I not taken enough since I am still here. Maybe I really don't want to do that so I just have not taken enough. Sounds kinda scary when I admit it here.Oh sure. Somebody out there is saying why don't you go see somebody? Money for one. Nosey hubby is the second. I know he would pester me about what I say to the doctor. And talk to my minister? I feel that would be just as bad. I would not want to say anything to him that would put my family in any bad light. So here I sit. My day consist of getting out of bed late every morning, coming down stairs, and sitting in my chair in the kitchen watching TV, surfing on the computer, cooking for hubby sometimes, eating something, then taking an afternoon nap, only to get up after a couple of hours and doing the samething all over again until it's time to take bed time meds, go to bed and then start things all over again. I'm only 62 but I feel like an old,fat, lonely, forgotten creature who is just waiting for her time to end.
Not been a good week. Had a good time with daughter last weekend when we went to out of town wedding together. I looked forward to getting back home and returning to Curves workout. But I only went Monday and Tuesday. I have a darn toothache and have turned to pain medication to control it until I see dentist on Monday. Did make it to WalMart yesterday to start grocery buying for the holiday. I walked instead of using the old fart cart. You would have thought I went to the gym the way I was sweating when I got through. Daughter came home today and already she has gotten on my nerve. She made a comment about my computer use, playing games and just surfing, and how I make the computer slower. Blah, blah, blah. Gonna be a long week. Still have to go to store and buy food for Thanksgiving meal. Too many different diets to think about. Hubby wants all the traditional foods: turkey, dressing, Watergate salad, cranapple crunch, sweet potatoes. Daughter wants all low-cal. low-carb, no-additives foods. Son and DIL want ham, green beens. Granddaughters want chicken fingers and Kraft mac and cheese. To top it off, the Iron bowl is next weekend and hubby wants all the usual "football" foods to have during the game. You know, chips and dip, nachos, salsa, sandwiches. Me? I just want my tooth to quit hurting and to make it through this week with as little drama as possible. I am gonna try as hard as possible to stay true to my diet. I hope everybody will have a good Thanksgiving. Ya'll just pray mine is going to be better than this last week.
I'd like to start out this entry with a positive note. the only positive one I can come up withis that I have been going to Curves everyday except Sunday and have been working it really hard, actually working the machines longer than they normally do. I really love going there. I makes me get out. I also went shopping Monday and was able to buy a pantsuit. It was still in a giant size, but it was in two sizes smaller than the last time I bought clothes. Now the negative. I went to Wal-mart yesterday and the Chocolate covered cherries and the mashmellow Santas called to me. I brought a box of cherries and 4 Santas home and hid them from my hubby. I am ashamed to say that I have eaten them all in a 24 hr period. I have absolutely no will power. I also ate a couple of pieces of Mounds candy. I am just going to have to physically stay away from things like that. Hubby and I leave in the morning for daughter's house then daughter and I leave Thursday for a wedding. I figure she will keep me a little more honest since she is on a pretty strict diet herself. All the kids will be here for Thanksgiving and that is going to be hard I know. Hubby is expecting all the trimmings. Pray I can be good.
I have now been banded 5 months. My weight is not is not down where I thought it would be by now, but I have not been entirely honest with my eating. I have cheated with ice cream and chocolate. But I am doing better. This last fill has been really good. I am eating less. And I have been doing my Curves workout daily so I think things are going to start changing. I hope it is. Took hubby to see surgeon today. It went just as I thought it would. He said that hubby's hernias have a slim to no chance of strangulation and that at this point surgical repair is totally elective. He also said that, while it is better to repair them when there is no emergency, there is no big rush to do so. Hubby has acted like he has been on death's door for weeks. Now he is calling everyone and telling them that it's a miracle and he doesn't have to have surgery, at least until after the holidays. Miracle, no. Prayer answered, yes. Mine. I wanted to go with my daughter out of town and now I can. I also wanted to go to son's house Christmas morning to see grandbabies ( they live out of town too) and now I can. He's going to moan and complain, but that is nothing new. I'm sure he will find something else to be obscess about. And I'm sure he will go on telling me about his poops: how many and their quality. At least maybe I'll make it through the holidays with out any new drama/trauma. I don't think I could handle another sad memory at Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Ssssshhhhhhh! Don't tell anyon cause it's not official yet, but I have entered Twoterville. Stepped on the scales last night and it read 298. If it still says that when I go to Center on Tuesday I will believe it. Yeah me, I hope.
Today is another good day. Have been reading other people's posts and taking in their experiences. Ate eggs last night. Going to try meat tonight. Have had a small BM but nothing spectacular. Still waiting. Stomach still churning. No pain though. Too bad. I was hoping to milk it for a little while longer. Hubby doe not want to go to church tonight and that's OK. But tomorrow night is monthly Lap-band support meeting and I think I want/need to go. Not quite a week post-op and I think all is going well.
Today was much better. Port site pain much improved. Incision sites itching. Belching with pain much improved. Have no BM yet. Took some Benefiber this morning before reading that I am not supposed to take any fiber supplements. Still having a lot of stinkie gas. Hoping for something soon. Don't like Milk of Magnesia.
OK. I am now three days out from banding. Had to go to Outpatient and have blood drawn. Walking was not a problem, although I am still sore. I am afraid I am being quite a wuss though. I was watching my husband eat his lunch. Although I'm not really hungry, I found myself very envious of him. His food smelled soooo good. I know I have to do this. I need to do this. Weighing 310lbs is not a good thing. It's better than the 347 I started with when I first started my journey. But I still seem to be obsessed over food. I think I'm greiving over all the things that I will never be able to eat again. It doesn't help that every other commercial on TV is for food and usually one that I like. Sleep was better last night but not wonderful. Husband is sending out for his meals, but he is diabetic and sooner or later I'm going to have to start cooking for him. Can't afford for him to eat out every meal. I know I am going to have to find a creative outlet for my thoughts. Just not feeling mentally up to that yet. Here's to a better day tomorrow.
Life is not fair. I do this procedure to help me not be hungry and lose weight. And here I sit smelling my husbands food and all I can think about is eating......what I can eat now, what I'll never be able to eat again, what I want to eat now, all that good stuff. And belch. It actually hurts to belch, but it hurts more not to. I wonder if any one will read my post, if anyone really cares, if anyone who has had this done will help me with the su8pport and encouragement that I seem to need right now. Husband is being supportive but he keeps trying to feed me. He doesn't understand thjat I am hungry but I really don't want to eat. I am really trying to drink lots of fluuids though. Here's to a better day tomorrow.
I'm not sure how to write about my feelings today. I realized today that hubby is some of my problem. He is very supportive of my banding and my diet. And, bless him, he has lost 5 lbs since my surgery. So I guess my diet has changed his diet. He is still having hia fried pies and honey buns, just not as often. What I mean is that I think some of my inactivity is because of his inactivity. Take today for example. I thought he was going to go to a doctor's appointment and then to the bank. I had planned to go with him. Instead he said he didn't feel well, again, anfd had me reschedule his appointment. He makes me feel like I'd be a real heel if I left him alone. So instead I just went back to bed and went to sleep. The truth is that I really don't think he'd mind If I had somewhere to go. I'd just have to tell him all about it when I got back home. .You know, where I went, who I saw, what i did, what I said, what they said. I guess that's why I don't go. I don't want to play twenty questions when I get back. We live on his income and I feel like I have to ask him for money and things, even after 41 years. I know I should grow a pair but I can't seem to get past it. I know this blog seems to have nothing to do with banding but it does. Banding has made me more aware of my feelings and how they affect my eating (head hunger). And if I don't address my feelings, all the bands in the world will not help. The chat room helps too even if I don't talk much there. At least I am communicating with others. Tomorrow is another day. I think it will be better.
Well,it has now been 24 days since I was banded and some times it feels like it was forever ago. I know I am eating a lot less than I did before but I am still dealing a great deal with head hunger. I suppose it will always be that way. Being able to come here and talk to others has helped. I still cheat. I had a cookie yesterday and today. There is a time not so long ago that I would have eaten more than one. I also had some ice cream tonight. It's like it calls to me, "Psssst! Hey you! You know you want me. It'll be alright." I know I have lost in size because I wore a blouse and pair of pants that I haven't worn in quite a while to church Sunday. I wore my hair pinned up and people were telling me I looked different. Most don't know I've been banded. My other milestone is that I went to Sam's Club saturday and actually walked through it. I have been having to ride the Old Fart's cart for the last year because it hurt so much to walk. I also walked tonight when I had to go to the grocery to pick up a few things. Small victories. I know some would not think of these things as victories. I am going to try to get motivated to go check out Curves tomorrow or Wednesday. And after my first fill I am going to see about going back to aquatic fitness at the indoor pool. I did that 7 years ago and really enjoyed it. I had even started lap swimming. I gave up and gave in and stopped going. It's hard to get motivated again. Every night I go to bed with good intentions for tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and I just can't seem to get myself to do anything. I can't seem to get up the nerve to leave the house. I think the problem is that I have not actually set a goal. If anybody reads this post and has any suggestions to help get me off my butt, I'll gladly hear them. I need to get out of this depression I seem to stay in too. I know I'm good for something,but I just haven't found it. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Been almost three weeks since I was banded. Still feel great. Talked to another bandster last night at church. She is 1 1/2 years out and she is still not at goal. I don't know whether to be anxious about the future or not. The other thing is my first fill coming up on the 5th of July. I don't like needles. Now I'm learning that Fills involve more needles than I originally thought. Makes me a little scared. I think I have done well diet wise today. Fixed ribs and french fries for hubby. I did eat the meat off several ribs. Probably blew my carb count with the sauce but I only ate 4 french fries and there was a time I would have made sure there was nothing left. Clothes fit different, better but the scales don't show any weight loss. The belching is still a problem. I do it a lot, big burps too. Farts are pretty spectacular too. Afraid either one might happen at a most embarassing time. Have to deal with that if the time ever comes. I think it would embarass hubby more that me.
Was a little more active today. Went to church this evening. First time there since banding. Did not eat there. They had hot dogs and did not feel like just eating the weiner. So hubby and I went to Shoneys and ate off the food bar. It was good but I didn't eat enough to warrant the price (first time for everything). Next time I.m gonna make sure I order off the Senior menu or off the child's menu. Didn't drink until a hour after just like I'm supposed to. so I guess you could say I had a good day.
Another day In the life of a new bandster. Too hot to got outside. Still have not gotten mentally motivated to do anything inside. Each morning I get up with the best intentions. I think today I'll start that quilt, or that scrapbook. I think today I'll walk on that treadmill. And by evening, I have done nothing. What do others do to get motivated ? Used to love to bake and cook, but that is not a good thing for someone as large as me to do. And I am not supposed to eat things like that with the band or with carbs and sugar like bread, cake, casseroles,etc. Of course my hubby is not happy that I am not wanting to cook. That's ok though because he is big too and could stand to lose a bunch. He is not a candidate for the band because of his other health issues as well as the fact that I know he will not put down the cigarettes. My surgeon will not do the surgery unless you have quit smoking at least 2 months before. He has promised to quit too many times for me to even assume he would quit now. And the last time he went for more than four days without one, he was almost impossible to live with ( and he had a nicotine patch on). I was a smoker, just not as much as he . I quit the end of November 2010. I know it's hard, esp. when your spouse is smoking around you. Giving him a hard time doesn't do anything but aggravate him. So I leave it alone. Oh, well, guess if I don't cook, he can't eat unless he goes out. Had my usual chicken nuggets for my meal about 1 pm. Gonna fix ham for dinner but don't know what I'll have with it. Figure that out later. I'll close for now. Write tomorrow.
Doing better eating wise today, but the day is far from over . It's just 6:00pm. My problem comes about 9 or 10. I find myself searching for something to eat. I know I'm not in need of food, but I feel driven to eat. It doesn't have to be sweet. Salty is good too. Salty and crunchy is even better .Have got to get a handle on this addiction or getting the band will be for nothing. Writing here seems to help. Wonder if others have this problem and how they deal with it.
Another day, another challenge. My older brother, God rest his soul, used to get fresh sweet corn from the farmers he called on. He would then give me a call and my family and his would get together and eat corn on the cob til it came out our ears (figuratively, ha, ha). We used to laugh at how many ears of corn I could eat at one setting. I think back and realize now I shouldn't have been laughing. My sister-in-law called today to say she had some sweet corn and did I want some. Foolish question. Of course I want it. But now, with the band, I have to think about what I eat. Corn is a carb and it also has that hull. I could probably eat it with out problems right now since I haven't had my first fill, but I need to start establishing good habits now. So I said no. Hubby not a big corn fan, so he was OK with it. I have to learn to eat right, not for memories. I felt sad, but proud of myself for turning her down The first step in dealing with my addiction..
