Another day In the life of a new bandster. Too hot to got outside. Still have not gotten mentally motivated to do anything inside. Each morning I get up with the best intentions. I think today I'll start that quilt, or that scrapbook. I think today I'll walk on that treadmill. And by evening, I have done nothing. What do others do to get motivated ? Used to love to bake and cook, but that is not a good thing for someone as large as me to do. And I am not supposed to eat things like that with the band or with carbs and sugar like bread, cake, casseroles,etc. Of course my hubby is not happy that I am not wanting to cook. That's ok though because he is big too and could stand to lose a bunch. He is not a candidate for the band because of his other health issues as well as the fact that I know he will not put down the cigarettes. My surgeon will not do the surgery unless you have quit smoking at least 2 months before. He has promised to quit too many times for me to even assume he would quit now. And the last time he went for more than four days without one, he was almost impossible to live with ( and he had a nicotine patch on). I was a smoker, just not as much as he . I quit the end of November 2010. I know it's hard, esp. when your spouse is smoking around you. Giving him a hard time doesn't do anything but aggravate him. So I leave it alone. Oh, well, guess if I don't cook, he can't eat unless he goes out. Had my usual chicken nuggets for my meal about 1 pm. Gonna fix ham for dinner but don't know what I'll have with it. Figure that out later. I'll close for now. Write tomorrow.
Another day, another challenge. My older brother, God rest his soul, used to get fresh sweet corn from the farmers he called on. He would then give me a call and my family and his would get together and eat corn on the cob til it came out our ears (figuratively, ha, ha). We used to laugh at how many ears of corn I could eat at one setting. I think back and realize now I shouldn't have been laughing. My sister-in-law called today to say she had some sweet corn and did I want some. Foolish question. Of course I want it. But now, with the band, I have to think about what I eat. Corn is a carb and it also has that hull. I could probably eat it with out problems right now since I haven't had my first fill, but I need to start establishing good habits now. So I said no. Hubby not a big corn fan, so he was OK with it. I have to learn to eat right, not for memories. I felt sad, but proud of myself for turning her down The first step in dealing with my addiction..
Was reading other blogs today and it got me thinking. I have said many times that I was addicted to food, but not until today have I realized that I am a food addict. Been banded 16 days now and it has made me very aware of everything I put in my mouth. If addictive personalities run in families, then I can see that I am an addict. My father was an alcoholic as was my older brother. Second brother was addicted to perscription narcotics. I used to pride myself that I did neither of those. But now I see that I was not immune. I can sit here and blame it on my childhood traumas ( do not wish to go into those here) but it comes down to personal responsibilities. No one forced me to become this obese. I want and I need to lose this weight, as much as I can, be it 60 lbs or 160lbs. I know I need to get support everyday for my journey. I don't think very many people read these blogs so I don't expect much in the way of responses. I just want to write down my feelings, my goals,and my successes or failures in order to continue on. Maybe I can read my entries in a few months and see I am getting better.
Life is not fair. I do this procedure to help me not be hungry and lose weight. And here I sit smelling my husbands food and all I can think about is eating......what I can eat now, what I'll never be able to eat again, what I want to eat now, all that good stuff. And belch. It actually hurts to belch, but it hurts more not to. I wonder if any one will read my post, if anyone really cares, if anyone who has had this done will help me with the su8pport and encouragement that I seem to need right now. Husband is being supportive but he keeps trying to feed me. He doesn't understand thjat I am hungry but I really don't want to eat. I am really trying to drink lots of fluuids though. Here's to a better day tomorrow.
I was banded on Friday. This is Sunday. I was prepared to be unconfortable, but not hurt like this. The port site really hurts. It is better today, but still hurts. I feel hungry but have no interest in food, you know broth, pudding, and the like. Having a lot of gas, belching.a lot, and that's not real comfortable. I know it's going to get better because it is better than yeaterday. going to try to get by with minimal pain med today. Have to admit that I am having some "Just what have I done" moments lately. Think this will get better when I can sleep more comfortably. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.
Am at daughter's house today. Her surgery went well and she is doing much, much better than I thought she would be. That is a very good thing. I feel I have been a help.I plan to stay until Friday or Saturday, if hubby doen't self-destruct before then. I made what my daughter calls Paleo jambolya last night, with her help of course. Didn't care for the sausage part but really liked the chicken, shrimp, and broth part. It was served over califlower "rice" that was actually very good. Don't think hubby would like the "rice" but may try the jambolya on him. I'm afraid I'm a little bored here. It's not my house so I'm trying to not step on her toes and do something to make her uncomfortable. Am getting more exercise here cause I have to actually walk her dog and i can't sit any when i cook . That is a real challenge because it hurts so much. My knees and my back kill me. But she needs me and I want to be here, so I am going to do it. Have to call hubby 4-5 times a day. He whines a lot but he is doing ok. I don't know what the big deal is. You would think he had never been alone. He calls and tells me what he ate and I tell him how much medication to take.have to admit house stays cleaner when he is not here, too.I don't think I'm eating too much here. I don't think I'm eating exactly right. but not too bad either. Guess time will tell. Go for second fill next Wednesday. I hope that will help with my hunger.. Will write more later.
Well, it's been two weeks since I was banded. The last five days have been good, even though I have fudged a little. My sca,es say I've even lost a pound or two. But now hubby is home. I feel like everything is now in s state of disrepair since his arrival. I know this is not his intention. I am sure it is my problem. But he asks me what I have eaten, when I last ate, why I am not eating more, etc. His questions, his messiness, the disruption seems to make me just want to eat, eat, eat. I have got to find a way to cope with my feelings. I don't want to become a grouch but I feel it coming. I know he doesn't mean to make me feel this way and it really never bothered me before. Now I feel so obsessed with what I eat, what I can't eat, when I can eat, when I can't eat, that having to deal with someone else in the house seems stressful. Did not realize it until I was by myself for 6 days. I don't want him to leave. I have missed him. Maybe just talking here will help. Does anyone else ever feel obsessed over food?
I am home now. Got home yesterday and the house is still standing. I stepped on my scales and I have gained 3 lbs. I thought I had done better than that. I figured I had at least maintained at her house. Weigh in Wednesday is not gonna be good. It was really depressing for me to see the scale. I found myself searching for something to eat. I found the bag of cheese puff and kinda pigged out on them. Afterward the guilt set in. What a vicious circle this is. Will I ever defeat it. Right now I don't feel confidant. all I can do is try again.
Doing better eating wise today, but the day is far from over . It's just 6:00pm. My problem comes about 9 or 10. I find myself searching for something to eat. I know I'm not in need of food, but I feel driven to eat. It doesn't have to be sweet. Salty is good too. Salty and crunchy is even better .Have got to get a handle on this addiction or getting the band will be for nothing. Writing here seems to help. Wonder if others have this problem and how they deal with it.
Was a little more active today. Went to church this evening. First time there since banding. Did not eat there. They had hot dogs and did not feel like just eating the weiner. So hubby and I went to Shoneys and ate off the food bar. It was good but I didn't eat enough to warrant the price (first time for everything). Next time I.m gonna make sure I order off the Senior menu or off the child's menu. Didn't drink until a hour after just like I'm supposed to. so I guess you could say I had a good day.
Well, happy Leap Day everybody. I thought I would feel better today, but I don't really. Daughter called and so much as said it is all my fault that her cellphone bill was $20 higher than she thought it would be and that don't expect her to be calling that much any more unless it was to my cellphone. It is not me who calls. It's her dad. And all she has to do is quickly remind him to call on his cellphone. Besides he already gave her a tank of gas and $200 extra this month. It's always something with her. Next thing on my list is hubby. He drives me insane. I just want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. I have written before about his health issues and his spending. A couple of months ago he bought a small aluminum fishing boat for $2500. I thought, "Oh,great! Something else that will sit in the garage unused." When I saw it I was mad. It looks like shyt and I told him he got took. "Oh, no." he says. "I got a good deal. It's perfect. It already has a trolling motor and that's all it needs." Well guess what? That perfect boat just had to have a small outboard and we just had to drive 2 hours up and two hours back to buy one. $2000 later he has a new motor for a fishing boat that hasn't been out of the garage in 2 months. Then to top it off, a buyer for the Ranger bassboat appeared. Hubby has talked about how, since it has not been in the water in almost a year and the fact that he can't handle it alone, it would be a good idea to sell it and use that montly payment to payoff credit cards. Well, he sold it but we had to come up with another $2000 to pay it off. This is not leaving much in savings. On top of that, the very same day he sells the boat, his buddy from the boat sales place calls him with "a great deal that just came in". Hubby gets all excited and tells me he just may have to go see it cause it would only be about $10,500 and we could get the money from our home equity line and not even have an increase in our payment. Of course, we don't even owe the equity line anything and it was opened just for the care of the house. I feel cheated. There are so many things I would like to have and they do not include a boat. I find myself wishing he would just go away. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I only have here to vent because no one here really knows me. I find that I don't really care about my diet or my eating. My band raises it head every once in a while and lets me know it's still there, but I am not using it as a tool like I'm supposed to. Started back to Curves yesterday and am going to try to go there at least three times a week. Got some extreme baking to do next week and the week after so at least I will have an actvity to occupy my thoughts. All for now.
Went to group meeting tonight. I enjoyed it even though it was mainly a rah-rah meeting. They all are. We are supposed to be doing this "Back On Track" program but all the meetings so far have been the same. I still go. I need the rah-rah. I take notes and listen intently. What I get out of them is this: the lapband takes commitment, conviction, and diligence. The odds are that we will all slip with our diets within the first 6-9months. The test will be if we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and start all over again. A 12 step program teaches you one day at a time. I think this is true for Bandsters. Food is a drug for me. It gives me comfort. I crave certain foods. I feel like my body need them. These cravings are better but I still have them. The hunger thing is getting better too. I have to be very careful or I'll over eat. then I pay for it by feeling miserable. My brother had LapBand procedure 1 week before me and he is having a completely different experience than me. He's a little weird any way. Correction. He's a lot weird. So far everything he has told me he can't eat, I have at least tried with no problems. He can't eat shrimp. I can but don't really like the taste/texture once I've chew, chew, chewed it. I've eaten fried chicken, too. Just chewed it extra well and didn't eat the skin.Gonna try spaghetti squash tomorrow night with some spaghetti sauce. Daughter says it's good. Maybe it will help the pasta craving. Well, that's ablut all for now. Will write more later.
OK. I am now three days out from banding. Had to go to Outpatient and have blood drawn. Walking was not a problem, although I am still sore. I am afraid I am being quite a wuss though. I was watching my husband eat his lunch. Although I'm not really hungry, I found myself very envious of him. His food smelled soooo good. I know I have to do this. I need to do this. Weighing 310lbs is not a good thing. It's better than the 347 I started with when I first started my journey. But I still seem to be obsessed over food. I think I'm greiving over all the things that I will never be able to eat again. It doesn't help that every other commercial on TV is for food and usually one that I like. Sleep was better last night but not wonderful. Husband is sending out for his meals, but he is diabetic and sooner or later I'm going to have to start cooking for him. Can't afford for him to eat out every meal. I know I am going to have to find a creative outlet for my thoughts. Just not feeling mentally up to that yet. Here's to a better day tomorrow.
Today was much better. Port site pain much improved. Incision sites itching. Belching with pain much improved. Have no BM yet. Took some Benefiber this morning before reading that I am not supposed to take any fiber supplements. Still having a lot of stinkie gas. Hoping for something soon. Don't like Milk of Magnesia.
Ssssshhhhhhh! Don't tell anyon cause it's not official yet, but I have entered Twoterville. Stepped on the scales last night and it read 298. If it still says that when I go to Center on Tuesday I will believe it. Yeah me, I hope.
Today is another good day. Have been reading other people's posts and taking in their experiences. Ate eggs last night. Going to try meat tonight. Have had a small BM but nothing spectacular. Still waiting. Stomach still churning. No pain though. Too bad. I was hoping to milk it for a little while longer. Hubby doe not want to go to church tonight and that's OK. But tomorrow night is monthly Lap-band support meeting and I think I want/need to go. Not quite a week post-op and I think all is going well.
Had my fourth fill yesterday. Am now at 8.2cc's in a 14 cc band. For the first time I feel like this is going to work. Of course I'm sure yesterday doesn't count. I also had a root canal done yesterday afternoon so staying on liquids was not a problem. And I still cheated. I made 250 cupcakes for church and I could not resist eating some of the batter as I went along. I have no self-restraint. Also my fasting BS was 116 this am. I did not take any Metformin yesterday but did this am. Was not hungry when I got up but I ate a little cottage cheese whith morning meds. BP was also up a little yesterday but that was probably because my weight was up 2 lbs at weigh in. Woke up this morning with new resolve. I am bound and determined to reach the 200's this month even if it's just 299. I have got to start doing better and I think this fill will do it. I've got to be getting close to my sweet spot.
I need a shirt that says "I survived Thanksgiving with my family." It has been a true experience in all ways. Food wise it has been challenging. I did well with Thanksgiving itself. A little ham, a little turkey, a bite of dressing, a serving of green beans. My downfall was the Watergate salad ( pistaschio pudding, pineapple, Cool whip, Marshmellows). But I made it with sugar-free pudding and fat-free cool Whip so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Ate some Rotel Cheese dip and chips on Saturday, Game Day, and then some Lobster Bisque that DIL made. Both tasted wonderful but the gas and indigestion was horrible for hours afterward. Daughter and DIL announced that the Bisque would be on the Christmas Eve menu. Gonna have to think of some way to get out of eating them gracefully when the time comes. Put some turkey and ham in the freezer for meals later. Gonna make some turkey salad ( turkey, boiled eggs, sweet pickles and a little mayo) to snack on the next few days. Figure it is full of protein so it will help with any hunger. Gonna have eggs and ham in a little while for dinner with hubby. Kids are gone and house is quiet and all I can think about is food. I am craving all kinds of things. Tried to take a nap and all I could think about is what I had that I could eat. Wanted to go to Waffle House and eat greasy hashbrowns and a ham/cheese omelet, but hubby won't go out. I have got to clean the kitchen...again. And pick up the rest of the toys the girls left out. Daughter and DIL put up my Christmas tree. Glad they did cause it really looks nice, but if they hadn't, I wouldn't have put it up. They also got a couple of Santas out so the girls could play with them. The 4 foot one that you can sing along with was a real hit, but I quickly unplugged him as soon as I could. Got the TV in the den working properly after the 4 yo screwed it up by messing with the remote. I know the 4 yo did it cause the 5 1/2 yo delighted in telling everytime the 4 yo did something wrong. She was very quick to say "Rachel did it". And the dogs? Well daughter's dog had a diet of paper, crayons, MM's and turkey, much to her dismay. Everytime I turned around he was trying to eat something the girls left out. Made the dog sick one night. My dog? Well after a $130 trip to the vet and a little doggie valium, let's just say that she is glad to have a little quiet. A least our together time will not be as long at Christmas, but I'll be sure and take her pills with me all the same. Gonna close for now and go feed hubby. Will write more later.
Nine days since being banded. When I write it down, it make me realize how short a time it has been. I feel great.Finally had a good BM, and according to my father, that should make you feel really better. Diet going OK. Had cantalope and cottage cheese for breakfast and five pieces of BBQ flavored Chicken chunks for lunch 4hrs later. Also had some Chocolat pudding about 2hrs ago. OK! OK! So it wasn't sugar-free. I promise to do better. Hubby has gone to help daughter with her house reconstruction. Will probably be up there thru Friday, so I plan to be good. Having a hard time with Head hunger Vs real hunger. Maybe I'll get motivated and start a project to get my mind on other things. Will write more later.
Been an interesting evening. I went to the Center today and had my 5th fill. The below 300 thing did not stay. I hadn't gained any but I haven't lost any either. So now I have 8.6cc in my 14cc band. I wanted her to go to 9cc but we compromised . I was so hungry when I came home that I ate some chicken instead of doing just liquids. Went down OK. No problems. Been drinking lots of fluids all afternoon. Even went to work out at Curves. No problem. Then I fixed supper. I fixed pork chops in the oven with a little gravy. Had some leftover cole slaw and a bite of hubby's dressing and gravy. BIG PROBLEM! Started with this funny feeling in my chest, kinda like a spasm. Didn't hurt or anything. As time went on it began to hurt.Then the slime began. Then the puke, very spontaneous. I thought I was just going to cough but it just spewed out. This is something I will remember and don't want to do again. I guess this means I won't be eating pork chops again, at least any time soon. Scared hubby, but he handled it like a trooper. Now I'm drinking some hot tea and all things are back to normal. I hope this is not a sign of things to come.Surprising what .4cc addition can do.
This last fill has really made a difference. I go longer before I start to feel hunger and I am satified much quicker. I find I don't want to snack as much too. This is a very good thing. I just wish the scale would start to show some loss. I come here to write this for a number of reasons. It helps me to actually say that I am doing better. It helps to get feedback from others. I still seldom leave the house. I feel alone most of the time.even though hubby is always here. I spend my time listening to his complaints, making him food and making sure he takes his medication. He tries to be supportive. He really does. He is just so wrapped up in his own issues that he can see anything else. Most of the time I eat alone, or at least feel like I do. I think I must be grinding my teeth in my sleep because not only is the tooth with the new root canal still throbbing, but both my upper and lower teeth are starting to ache during the day. Every time I think things are going to start getting better, one more thing starts to bother me. Come on Lord. Give me a break .
