Ireally have no place else to talk. I really don't want to talk to my family. I have tried half way to tell them but they are so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't hear. This past year has been hard. I have not had any kind of follow up or fill since June of 2012. First of 2012 my husband was sure he was gonna die. He had two huge abdominal hernias and was convinced that either they or the surgery to repair them would kill him. He did not want me out of his sight. I did not leave the house much because he wanted to know where I was in case he needed me. He would go to the shooting range once or twice with a friend but he wanted me close to the phone if he called. Talked him into the surgery the end of May. It went great. He was up and walking the same day and home the next. Except for him being an ass because of nicotine withdrawal it was a good thing. By August he was feeling really well. The thing is he had gotten so used to be being always available, he continued to want to know my every move. In the mean time, my lack of interaction with people, I believe has increased my depression. I am not very active. I know the band is restricting how much I eat, but I am not doing well with what I eat. Add to the fact that this past year I have been plagued with breaking teeth and abcesses to the point that I have lost all my upper jaw teeth. I just got my upper partial about 2 weeks ago. After being several months with our chewing ability, I am having to learn to eat food that I can chew instead of slider foods. Then husband had a bad fall that almost killed him. I felt bad for him at first. He had both wrist injured and one knee but the worst was he had a facial fracture and a brain bleed. He almost had to have surgery to stop the brain bleed but it stoped with medical treatment. He was in the hospital for 4 days. Again he became quite an ass with out his cigarettes. He also has a problem with urinary frequency and he can' t pee into a urinal. He had several "accidents" if you know what I mean and he was very hard to handle in the hospital. That was just before Thanksgiving. My son, his wife and the two kids age 5 and 7 were at the house for several days right after I brought him home. I love my granddaughters but they can destroy a house in very short order and I am afraid to rant about it for fear of getting on my DIL's bad side. Long history there. Huband's behavior has been even more difficulty since the fall. Or maybe I.m just becoming more......I don't know what I'm becoming. I think he is more rude than ever. He thinks nothing of interrupting what I'm doing but gets upset if I interrupt him. If I go out like to the grocery without him he has to call and check up on me a couple of times while I'm gone. I find myself wishing that he didn't make it after the fall. I sometimes wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I think about what I could do if he wasn't here. I confess that I have taken a large amount of benadryl as well as my usual bed time medication in hoe I wouldn't wake up. But as you can see it didn't work. Sometimes I feel really angry and others I feel like crying, a lot. I don't because I know husband would ask too many questions. Nobady call me any more except occasionally someone from the church, and tha't only because they want something. I know I need to go in for a fill/followup but everytime I pick up the phone to make appointment I chicken out. I'm lonesome. All I do is sit. And the more I sit the more I hurt when I finally do get up and move. My knees kill me. I have trouble breathing. I sweat like a ***** in church. My back kills me. I used to have pain medication (Lortab), but my husband took it all because he was saving his Percocet for his "bad" days ( has Fibromyalgia and Diabetic neuropathy). I would run away but I have no income. I have my social security but that is not enough to pay health insurance and living expenses. I would also feel guilty that someone else would have to contend with husband. I resent everything around here. I hate to cook. All he wants is meat and potatoes. He feels he must eat three to four times a day and feels that I need to eat with him, at least twice a day. Oh god! I am rambling so. Maybe saying it here will help me. Maybe tomorrow I wil wake up and it will be a little better. I didn't even talk about son losing his job in September and us giving him money to hel with his bills. Or daughter being "in love" and going to sell her house and move across the state to move in with him. At least son found a job, but they must move to another state. so they are going to be 8 hours away instead of 3 1/2. Like I said, maybe tomorrow will be better.
Have not made an entry in this blog in quite some time. Quite frankly I have not wanted to admit what a failure I am. As I sit here making chocolate chip cookes for hubby and me, it is really hypocracy that I am whining about my life and my size. Where to begin. As if I really think anyone will ever really read this and really care about what I say. I stay in a depressed mood. I am having a hard time finding joy in anything. I just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. To add to that tne "Holidays" are coming up. It would be nice if I could go hide until January 2. That way I would not have to deal with Thanksgiving and Christmas along with the Doomsday people that are starting up. They are almost as bad as the Y2K activists.Just saw a picture of two people on Facebook that I used to call my friends at a football game and feel like crying cause they have not called me in so long ago that I can't remember when. I got tired of calling them and decided to wait for them to call me. Guess I got the message. I gave up going to Curves. Decided I really couldn't afford the $44 per month. Son lost his job a coulple of months ago and we gave them money last month. Am forever giving daughter money. I love them but I really don't know how long hubby and I can keep this up. Talked to sister yesterday. She is in China. You would think that would cheer me up but all it did was make me angry and more depressed. She always asks how thing are but I know she really doesn't want to know anything is wrong. What can she do about it half a world away. So I don't tell her about my hair falling out or how my teeth keep breaking and having to be pulled out. Or that right now I have no upper jaw teeth and I am eating nothing but soft to liquid foods and are not low in calorie so I am gaining weight. That my back, legs, knees, and feet hurt so bad when I walk the I don't walk anymore than I have to. Not to mention how short of breath I get when I walk. I sound like a damn train engine when I walk and I feel like I look like a person with CP. I do not feel any restiction with my band but I still break up any pills I take because I fear them getting stuck and puking is not fun. What would people say if they knew that I pray all the time for the Rapture to come and take me away so I won't have to continue to live like this. I have tried to take a few extra pills at night just to see if I can go to sleep and not wake up but apparently I not taken enough since I am still here. Maybe I really don't want to do that so I just have not taken enough. Sounds kinda scary when I admit it here.Oh sure. Somebody out there is saying why don't you go see somebody? Money for one. Nosey hubby is the second. I know he would pester me about what I say to the doctor. And talk to my minister? I feel that would be just as bad. I would not want to say anything to him that would put my family in any bad light. So here I sit. My day consist of getting out of bed late every morning, coming down stairs, and sitting in my chair in the kitchen watching TV, surfing on the computer, cooking for hubby sometimes, eating something, then taking an afternoon nap, only to get up after a couple of hours and doing the samething all over again until it's time to take bed time meds, go to bed and then start things all over again. I'm only 62 but I feel like an old,fat, lonely, forgotten creature who is just waiting for her time to end.
Well here I am. Another Saturday night and I haven't even gotten dressed today. Not sick, just lazy. Couldn't figure out a reason to bother getting dressed. Have not made an entry in a month. Not much has happened except I did get to see my sister for the first time in about 3 years and I know it may be at least that long before I see her again. She lives in China, you see. Doing what I'm not quite sure, but she seems happy. The way my life goes, who knows if I will ever see her again. Also stayed at son's house for the first time in 4 years and the visit went well. DIL got a little snockered, but at least everything was cool. Hubby is the same. Still complaining about his hernias, but even more so. I still hear it so often, I find myself tuning him out. I know the time is nearing when he will have to give in and have the surgery. I dread that day. He is a pain when he is sick and I know that the surgery is going to be difficult. So the recovery is going to be long and difficult, Double difficult cause he is such a drama king. And he has not given up the cigarettes, so I know that will be a problem. As long as he remembers that I have committed to doing two wedding cakes in March. As far as the diet goes, I have not been good. I have been cheating with M&M's. A lot of M&M's. They are like an addiction. Like crack. I'm sneaking around eating them so hubby won't find out. I sneak bags in in my purse to refill the bag on the shelf so he won't know. Have not been good at my Curves attendance either. Am having a hard time getting motivated to even leave the house. Gotta get my mind back in order. I know that my going to Curves not only makes me exercise, it gets me away from him for a while. That should be enough motivation right there. Well, that's enough for now. Will update later.
Happy New Year (she says sarcastically). What can I say. Weighed in at Curves yesterday and had actually gained a pound since last weigh in. And instead of losing some inches, I actually had gained some inches. WTF!!!! I know I didn't go work out during the week between Christmas and New Year's, and that I had cheated. But I didn't think it was that bad. Hubby is getting on my nerves and that makes me turn to food, mainly M&M's and Cheetoes. His complaints about his health are getting to me. All last week he said he could barely walk. The grandchildren were here for New Year's and he stayed in his den/smoking room 90% of the time. Then the very day they went home he took his truck, picked up his fishing buddy and stayed gone for 3 hours, buying a battery for the truck and getting it washed. Tuesday I got him to go see a Chiropractor for his "back pain". Now after three visits he is sure that the adjustments have caused him to bleed internally and made his hernias worse. He is even telling me what his stools look like. I get so tired of listening to his complaints. I never know when to take it as serious signs or to just ignore him. Am going to daughter's house Sunday for a couple of days, to baby sit the grand dog. Will be back Tuesday. He's not going. The break will do me good even though I know I will have to check in with him several times a day. Started Curves Smart today. Having the machines make me give it my all will make me do better, I hope. If that is so, then maybe I'll pay some more and do the Curves Complete and try their diet plan. Mainly I just want to get out of this "funk" I am in am get on with my life, instead of feeling like I want to cry and sneak food.
Don't know what's going on with my band. Went to supper with hubby this past Saturday night and ate very well. I finished all my meat and most of the onion rings and a small salad. Had no problems. Was thinking that I wished that my practioner had put in more fluid like I asked her to at my last fill. Went to Longhorn's with hubby tonight. Had 3 mushrooms, 3 bites of salad, 1/2 of a small lobster tail, and about 1/3 of a small filet and the rumble started. It felt like a volcano about to erupt. Made it out to the parking lot and had to puke a little. All I sould think of was "well,what a waste of an expensive meal". In all fairness, the meat was a little dry and this is the second time lobster has given me trouble. Shame too. I have had a love affair with lobster for a long time. Guess those day are over. Only trouble now is that it has only been 3 hours and I'm hungry again. Do I want to eat or have a protien shake or just try to weather it out. The more I think about it the more I want that sweet potatoe I brought home from the restaurant. It has been 6 months. I keep thinking it will get easiet but it hasn't. Do I need to get more in my band,or is that just going to make me get stuck more. I wish I had a magic wand and could just be skinny and be able to eat anything I want.
Not been a good week. Had a good time with daughter last weekend when we went to out of town wedding together. I looked forward to getting back home and returning to Curves workout. But I only went Monday and Tuesday. I have a darn toothache and have turned to pain medication to control it until I see dentist on Monday. Did make it to WalMart yesterday to start grocery buying for the holiday. I walked instead of using the old fart cart. You would have thought I went to the gym the way I was sweating when I got through. Daughter came home today and already she has gotten on my nerve. She made a comment about my computer use, playing games and just surfing, and how I make the computer slower. Blah, blah, blah. Gonna be a long week. Still have to go to store and buy food for Thanksgiving meal. Too many different diets to think about. Hubby wants all the traditional foods: turkey, dressing, Watergate salad, cranapple crunch, sweet potatoes. Daughter wants all low-cal. low-carb, no-additives foods. Son and DIL want ham, green beens. Granddaughters want chicken fingers and Kraft mac and cheese. To top it off, the Iron bowl is next weekend and hubby wants all the usual "football" foods to have during the game. You know, chips and dip, nachos, salsa, sandwiches. Me? I just want my tooth to quit hurting and to make it through this week with as little drama as possible. I am gonna try as hard as possible to stay true to my diet. I hope everybody will have a good Thanksgiving. Ya'll just pray mine is going to be better than this last week.
I'd like to start out this entry with a positive note. the only positive one I can come up withis that I have been going to Curves everyday except Sunday and have been working it really hard, actually working the machines longer than they normally do. I really love going there. I makes me get out. I also went shopping Monday and was able to buy a pantsuit. It was still in a giant size, but it was in two sizes smaller than the last time I bought clothes. Now the negative. I went to Wal-mart yesterday and the Chocolate covered cherries and the mashmellow Santas called to me. I brought a box of cherries and 4 Santas home and hid them from my hubby. I am ashamed to say that I have eaten them all in a 24 hr period. I have absolutely no will power. I also ate a couple of pieces of Mounds candy. I am just going to have to physically stay away from things like that. Hubby and I leave in the morning for daughter's house then daughter and I leave Thursday for a wedding. I figure she will keep me a little more honest since she is on a pretty strict diet herself. All the kids will be here for Thanksgiving and that is going to be hard I know. Hubby is expecting all the trimmings. Pray I can be good.
I have now been banded 5 months. My weight is not is not down where I thought it would be by now, but I have not been entirely honest with my eating. I have cheated with ice cream and chocolate. But I am doing better. This last fill has been really good. I am eating less. And I have been doing my Curves workout daily so I think things are going to start changing. I hope it is. Took hubby to see surgeon today. It went just as I thought it would. He said that hubby's hernias have a slim to no chance of strangulation and that at this point surgical repair is totally elective. He also said that, while it is better to repair them when there is no emergency, there is no big rush to do so. Hubby has acted like he has been on death's door for weeks. Now he is calling everyone and telling them that it's a miracle and he doesn't have to have surgery, at least until after the holidays. Miracle, no. Prayer answered, yes. Mine. I wanted to go with my daughter out of town and now I can. I also wanted to go to son's house Christmas morning to see grandbabies ( they live out of town too) and now I can. He's going to moan and complain, but that is nothing new. I'm sure he will find something else to be obscess about. And I'm sure he will go on telling me about his poops: how many and their quality. At least maybe I'll make it through the holidays with out any new drama/trauma. I don't think I could handle another sad memory at Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Yesterday I had my annual physical. My weight was down from last year but not but one pound from last fill. Not the fill's fault though. Have not been very good. Discovered that graham crackers go right down. So on the way home I went to Curves and joined. I paid my money and was shown how to do the circuit. This morning I went for my first session. Made it through the first circuit and thought that I couldn't do anymore. But I was determined to finish so I went around for my second circuit. For some it seemed like an easy workout. But for a fat old lady like me, at this time I thought it was hard. My back and my knees hurt. I did work up a sweat, so that was good. My goal is to go everyday, about noon. that way I'll be back in time for my soap opera (ha-ha). Hubby was surprised that I joined. He did not remember that we had discussed it about a month ago. I am thinking about going to the Rec Center and checking into swimming too. Have to get my courage up. Hubby goes to see surgeon Nov 3 for consultation on his hernias. I will go with him so that I can personally hear what he has to say. Hubby is not hearing things correctly and forgetting things easily so I need to get it straight. At least he is not against the cost of Curves. Of course the Almond Joy minis I ate this afternoon kinda undid what good I did at the gym. I am sooooo bad!
I need someone to talk to, to explain things to, to whine to. There are situations in my life that I can't change. I have to deal with them. But I need to vent them instead of eating my way around them. I just want someone to talk to that maybe knows what I'm talking about.
OK. So it has been 4 months since I was banded. I have been eating less and less. I weighed yesterday and my scale has not budged. Got so frustrated. I said screw it and made some pralines. Of course, hubby doesn't know that. I have hidden them and are secretly eating them without him knowing. Like a junkie or alcoholic hiding their drinking. Thing is, I know it's wrong but I do it anyway. No one one is forcing me to do it. I think to myself Just one more. Like a drug. I feel alone. Even with hubby in the house. And now he is admitting he needs to have surgery to repair a huge problem he has. I think I dread it more than he does and that is saying a lot. I remember how he was so many years ago with his other surgery. He does not handle pain well. It also doesn't help that he is a smoker. He is not pretty when he is in withdrawal. I feel guilty because I just want to run and hide. It's not like this condition arose overnight. I had some plans to go on a little trip with my daughter in a month, but he told me I may have to not go so I can take care of him. I figure if he has put it off for this long, he can put it off a little longer. Then I get to feeling guilty for thinking that way. Then I look for something to eat. Lord help me.
Well, I guess you could say I'm no longer a "stuck" virgin. It happened last night. I don't know if I ate too much, too fast, or what, but it was not fun. Had I not read posts from others, I might have thought I was having a heart attack. I had pain that was traveling under my collarbone and up the left side of my neck. I remembered how everyone says drink something hot and I got some hot tea. Once I was able to start sipping on that and start burping, I got better. I will remember that feeling and try not to let it happen again. It is not something I want to experience again. I know that it can and probably will, but I hope not. I also am a little down hearted. Just found out that my brother, who had lapband surgery one week before me, has lost about 100 pounds. Here I am at 45 and holding. I guess I must cheat more than I thought. But I really thought I was doing well the past couple of weeks. SIL told me he walks 4 miles each morning and 4 miles each evening. I do good to walk 1-1 1/2 miles per day. I have got to get on the ball. I have got to get motivated and get my ass in gear. It just hurts so that I am having a hard time with it. I know. Excuses! Excuses! Excuses! I have got to get going though.
Weighed in today. Said I had lost 2 lbs this past month. Big deal! If the truth be known, it was probably the diuretic I took yesterday and today that gave me that. I have not been good with my diet. I have not been eating ice cream and cookies, but I have enjoyed those cheese puffs. Doctor put in 1.5cc to make a total of 7.2 cc in a 14cc band. that's starting to get on up there. I am resolved to getting back into this game. I am really gonna try to make this thing work for me this month. Port site a little sensitive this evening but I have noticed it always is after a fill. Maybe my new thing should be to walk on the treadmill during Soaps instead of laying down with the dog. Gonna do something different. Got to.
I'm not doing well with this. I have not lost any since my second fill on the 3rd. I find myself sneaking food so my hubby won't see. I am so full sometime it hurts and yet I still seek something to eat. I am such an addict. I am so ashamed. I am reverting back to old habits of sleeping a lot and not leaving the house for days. The girls were here this weekend and I did not eat right or drink right. Why can't I do the things I am supposed to do? Have tried to get support on the chat line, but I can't bring myself to tell what I have been doing or how I feel. How do I tell someone I feel like such a failure. I do have more energy, but I choose to ignore it. I don't want to leave the house for two reasons: 1) I really don't want anyone to see me and 2) I don't want to explain where I'm going to hubby. He is still somewhat supportive but he is also getting critical. And with his size and health problems, that is like the pot calling the kettle black. His short term memory is getting worse and I have to remind him of things constantly. I thought my depression was getting better,but apparently it's not. I would say that I don't know what to do but I do. I need to suck it up and get my mind back in order. But that is easier said than done. If anyone has suggesti9ons< I'm open.
Had my second fill on Wednesday. Now have 5.5cc in 14 cc band. doc this will be the last time I get a 2cc fill at one time. I feel more restriction this time. Bad part is the burping has gone back to being terrible. Yesterday was hubby's birthday and we went out to eat. I ate 4 small bites of salad and 10 shrimp. Brought the potaote and Hush puppies home, along with 3 shrimp. I have to admit that I was bad tonight. I ate the shrimp and the potatoe with my piece of steak. I gave the hush puppies to hubby.
I was starving. I had breakfast (7 chicken nuggets) at 11 am and only some peanuts until we ate supper at 7:15pm. I think I should start eating something about every 5 hrs and see if that keeps the starving feeling from happening. I have nothing in the house to "graze" on and that's a good thing. If it's not here, I can't eat it. I have to go to the grocery tomorrow and get more chicken. Gonna have to keep myself in check and stay out of the snack aisles. Lord give me strength.
Why am Iso obcessed with food? I think that I wake up thinking about when I can eat and what I can eat. While I'm eating I think about when I can eat again and what I can have. Inbetween, I'm thinking about what to drink and how much I have left to drink for the day. It has been two months since I was banded.You would think it would be better by now. I get a second fill tomorrow and I know I am going to be chastized for not doing better .My clothes fit better and I seem to have more energy, but I am just so obcessed with food. Motivation seems to be a problem too. And the more my family talks about my "diet", the less control I seem to have. What is the matter withme? Am I ever going to get myself in check? I feel like a whiney brat writing this.
Today has been a good day. not only did I beat my daughter in Scrabble twice ( as well as the two times last night and the three times night before last), I went to the movies and did not a tub of buttered popcorn and large soda. I snuck a bottle of water in and just had part of that. It worked out well. Then we spent 2 hours in a traffic jam trying to get home. We finally got to Full Moon BarBQue and I got the half chicken. That gives me chicken for tonight and for breakfast in the morning. I did cheat though. I had fried onion rings too and I ate 2/3 of them. I also had some ice cream last night. I am doing better but not good enough. And I know it. Food addicts. It is hard.
Fixed homemade chili for supper tonight. I know it's hot outside, but hubby loves it. I thought it was a little spicy, but he said it was good. Of course, it cou taste like s--- and he would say it's good. I've only had a few dishes that he has not eaten. After 41 years, I can tell when he doesn't like something. Have not been very good today. I am probably over my calorie limit. I had my usual chicken nuggets for breakfast. That's okay. but then I've had two servings of Cheese Puffs, a few peanuts, a cookie, 4 Ritz crackers, and about 1 cup of chili. I know that's more than I'm supposed to have. I am such a junkie. The food just calls to me. I know that sounds atrange. No! I'm not crazy. I just can't seem to resist. I tell myself no but then I eat anyway. It is much less than I used to eat. And I know I don't like the way I feel when I'm too full,but I do it anyway. The only good thing that has happened in last few days is that at least I'm not constipated. I also have not walked on treadmill today. I did clean out the freezer and throw away a bunch of freezer-burned food. At least that was constructive. I am looking forward to going to daughter's house next week even though I know she will be hurting and probably be bitchy. I guess I would be too if I were her. She will keep me more focused. Made appointment for next fill (Aug 3). Looking forward to it as I hope it will give me restriction and help me stay on the straight and narrow.
Today has been a day of firsts. To start with, I actually walked on the treadmill this afternoon. I won't lie. It made my knees and my back hurt. I only made 1/2 mile at a speed of 1.7 mph, but it's a start. I'm gonna try to walk every day. If all I can do is 1/2 mile to start, so be it. Maybe I can try walking twice a day. Go to daughter's house next weekend, so i guess I'll have to walk outside at her house. The heat will limit how much I walk there. The second thing I tried is spaghetti squash with spaghetti sauce on it. It was a lot like eating pasta, just a little sweeter. Made me wonder what spaghetti sauce and cheese ( you know, like macaroni and cheese) would taste like. I got some left over cooked squash so I think I may check it out tomorrow. The last thing is I took some Miralax tonight. I have got to find the secret to this constipation thing. I'm tired of going to the bathroom with the urge and only passing gas. I burp like I'm drinking beer at the bar and I fart like a mule eating hay. Laugh as you may, I'm afraid I'm going to do either one at the most in-opportune time possible. I hope the walking will help this too. I wonder if Beano would help . I'm trying to eat slowwwww and chew extra well to see if that will help with the belching. If anyone reads this and has any suggestions, feel free to give them.
Well, made it back from B'ham without problems. I did cheat though. Hubby and I went to CheeseCake Factory for supper Saturday night. I did well for supper. I only ate a piece of steak, rwo onion rings,and 4-5 french fries. My downfall was the chocolate brownie cheese cake I ate for dessert. I ate half of it Sautrday night and the other half Sunday night. Sunday night was bad. I am going to remember how bad I felt after eating the cheesecake that night. Being in the car driving home Sunday I did not drink enough fluids and I am trying to make up for it today. I can tell when I have pushed my eating limit. The burping becomes ridiculous and the flatulence that comes later is also bad. I would like to promise that I will be good eating wise, but I know I can't. I know that I will slip again. It is the nature of an addict, which I am a food addict. But I am going to be extra aware of what I do and eat. Am going back to B'ham in two weeks to care for daughter after she has procedure done. I hope hubby will stay home. Since daughter does Paleo diet, I think it will be easier to stay on a good diet at her house. If he's not there, I will cook better. Will write again later .
Well, I survived my first fill. Now have 3.5cc inmy band. Seems like such a small amount. I am to be on full liquids for 24 hours then back to regular. Feeling sorry for myself because I am hungry now. Guess I'll just have to grina and bear it. It didn't hurt but my port site is now burning a little. I know that will improve too. Have not lost anything since I weighed at doctor's office 1 week post-op. I am disappointed. But truth is, I have not exercised. I have dramatically reduced my eating, I know. But I guess I have not cut the calories down enough. I want this so bad. I want it to magically happen. But I know it's not. I keep giving myself a pep talk, but it has not stuck yet. Confessions of a food addict. As with any addiction, I must take it one day at a time.
I'm now at the 1 month mark. Been an interesting day. I am drinking Benefiber every day, but i realized yesterday that I had not had a BM in several days. So yesterday I took a laxative. It didn't work. So today I took the laxative again along with Benefiber. I had been told before this that I could take a stool softener if I first dissolved it in hot water. So I put two in some hot waster, dissolved them and drank it down. BIG MISTAKE! It was horrible. It burned the back of my throat for the longest time. I even ate some cottage cheese to see if I could make it better. It took quite a while for my throat to feel better. Long story short, something finally worked. But I think that it should have worked better. I may have to give in and get some Milk of Magnesia. If I can drink the melted pills, I can get MOM down. Food wise, I'm doing fair to good. I ate too much for dinner and I'm paying for it. The burping is ridiculous. And each burp feels like I should be throwing up. I am such an addict/food hog that I often have a hard time stopping eating. Sometimes I wait until no one is watching and eat more. Tis what I did tonight and I am paying for it. You'd think I'd learn. If I were the type that could throw up on cue I'd do it, even though I have never liked to do that. I go for my first fill Tuesday. I don't think I've lost any weight. Pretty sure I haven't. Know I'm gonna get fussed at and I deserve it. If I don't get a better grip on myself, I'll never lose this weight. I will write more after the fill. Hope it doesn't hurt.
I'm not sure how to write about my feelings today. I realized today that hubby is some of my problem. He is very supportive of my banding and my diet. And, bless him, he has lost 5 lbs since my surgery. So I guess my diet has changed his diet. He is still having hia fried pies and honey buns, just not as often. What I mean is that I think some of my inactivity is because of his inactivity. Take today for example. I thought he was going to go to a doctor's appointment and then to the bank. I had planned to go with him. Instead he said he didn't feel well, again, anfd had me reschedule his appointment. He makes me feel like I'd be a real heel if I left him alone. So instead I just went back to bed and went to sleep. The truth is that I really don't think he'd mind If I had somewhere to go. I'd just have to tell him all about it when I got back home. .You know, where I went, who I saw, what i did, what I said, what they said. I guess that's why I don't go. I don't want to play twenty questions when I get back. We live on his income and I feel like I have to ask him for money and things, even after 41 years. I know I should grow a pair but I can't seem to get past it. I know this blog seems to have nothing to do with banding but it does. Banding has made me more aware of my feelings and how they affect my eating (head hunger). And if I don't address my feelings, all the bands in the world will not help. The chat room helps too even if I don't talk much there. At least I am communicating with others. Tomorrow is another day. I think it will be better.
Well,it has now been 24 days since I was banded and some times it feels like it was forever ago. I know I am eating a lot less than I did before but I am still dealing a great deal with head hunger. I suppose it will always be that way. Being able to come here and talk to others has helped. I still cheat. I had a cookie yesterday and today. There is a time not so long ago that I would have eaten more than one. I also had some ice cream tonight. It's like it calls to me, "Psssst! Hey you! You know you want me. It'll be alright." I know I have lost in size because I wore a blouse and pair of pants that I haven't worn in quite a while to church Sunday. I wore my hair pinned up and people were telling me I looked different. Most don't know I've been banded. My other milestone is that I went to Sam's Club saturday and actually walked through it. I have been having to ride the Old Fart's cart for the last year because it hurt so much to walk. I also walked tonight when I had to go to the grocery to pick up a few things. Small victories. I know some would not think of these things as victories. I am going to try to get motivated to go check out Curves tomorrow or Wednesday. And after my first fill I am going to see about going back to aquatic fitness at the indoor pool. I did that 7 years ago and really enjoyed it. I had even started lap swimming. I gave up and gave in and stopped going. It's hard to get motivated again. Every night I go to bed with good intentions for tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and I just can't seem to get myself to do anything. I can't seem to get up the nerve to leave the house. I think the problem is that I have not actually set a goal. If anybody reads this post and has any suggestions to help get me off my butt, I'll gladly hear them. I need to get out of this depression I seem to stay in too. I know I'm good for something,but I just haven't found it. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Been almost three weeks since I was banded. Still feel great. Talked to another bandster last night at church. She is 1 1/2 years out and she is still not at goal. I don't know whether to be anxious about the future or not. The other thing is my first fill coming up on the 5th of July. I don't like needles. Now I'm learning that Fills involve more needles than I originally thought. Makes me a little scared. I think I have done well diet wise today. Fixed ribs and french fries for hubby. I did eat the meat off several ribs. Probably blew my carb count with the sauce but I only ate 4 french fries and there was a time I would have made sure there was nothing left. Clothes fit different, better but the scales don't show any weight loss. The belching is still a problem. I do it a lot, big burps too. Farts are pretty spectacular too. Afraid either one might happen at a most embarassing time. Have to deal with that if the time ever comes. I think it would embarass hubby more that me.
