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An attitude of gratitude

Entries in this blog

 

1/19/06

First of all, this journal won't be specifically about lapband surgery and weight loss. I'm on this site every day more than once usually, and I need to start journaling again. So, it's just common sense to use this space. Secondly, I like to write. Last year, 2005, was the toughest roughest year I have yet experienced. My mom had surgery, stayed in hospitals for 5 months due to complications, and a septic infection finally ended it. Her funeral was on what would have been her 73rd birthday. There will be more about this in other entries. Part of this journal's purpose is to work through this grief. So, the first half of 2005 was spent in hospitals. I decided to face this weight problem and the health problems associated with it and had lapband surgery in July. In November, the day following my 50th birthday (THIS was the highlight of 2005 - my 50th birthday...go figure!), my beautiful, wonderful 92 year old grandmother passed. She had a stroke that led to a coma and she passed peacefully. Yeah, she had a great, healthy long life, but dang! My mom and my grandmother in one year? I told you it was going to be about other stuff. Attitude of gratitude - well, that's just a reminder! One way to handle loss is to try hard to see the good stuff you have. Seems like that might be a good idea for us "lapdancers"...that's what my DH call us...to have the attitude of gratitude, too. I'm sure I'll explore more of that idea, too. I'm grateful for this journal space, and the invitation to use it. I'm grateful for the blessing in disguise offered by the dr. who told me I was too heavy for him to realistically treat my ankle...and suggested this lapband surgery. I am grateful for my little girl's unquestioning, unconditional love (if you don't count being held hostage by the desire for more Polly Pockets!) To be continued...
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1/20/06

People say it is good to get back to your routine. I think that is true, because life is for the living and life does go on. One of the saddest parts of my day is my drive to work. I have a long commute, 40 miles, which takes close to an hour. Each morning on my way to work, I would call my mom...she was always up early, and it was our time to visit. She lived between my town and the town where I work...so we lived close to each other, too. She knew all my friends, all the people I work with (and the ones I used to work with but don't now). She knew everything about my DD, because she took care of her from infancy until she started kindergarten. There was not one topic I could talk about that she didn't know all the details, and we could hash over everything. Now, I'm not saying we agreed on everything; we didn't. Over the years, I made some "right turns" and found myself squarely in the conservative mindset, while my mom became, if anything, more liberal. We clashed on political topics to the point I refused to discuss them with her, especially after the 2004 elections. We agreed to disagree on that. There is not one single morning that I don't physically ache to talk to her. My dad, kind man that he is, calls me every morning while I am driving...and I know he does it because mom and I used to. I enjoy our talks, too, but it's not the same, of course. Not many people know how hard it is, just to get to work each day. I wonder how many people notice the tears...I suppose most people are so busy thinking about their own stuff, there's no way anyone would see and wonder what is causing that lady to be so sad. Funny, sometimes I look at the other drivers and wonder what's on their minds? Are they missing someone, too? Are they worried about a sick family member? I guess that's kind of weird; but I know this: until you have experienced it, there is no way you will ever, ever understand what losing a parent actually means in the way of sadness. I know I can never be nice and helpful enough to any friend who loses a parent in the future. I am grateful for a dear friend I work with who has been there for me without fail, and knows how hard my morning drive is. I am grateful for this journal space. I am grateful for my compassionate DH, who has the patience of Job. Until tomorrow...
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1/24/06

Acceptance. I was reading a book last night, and acceptance was the topic. It was in Simple Abundance...I am sorry, I forget the author's name right now. Sarah Van...something. The point is that in order for us to move on in our lives, we must accept where we are now. That IS our weight on the scale, this IS our messy house, this IS my unfulfilling job, etc. Very simple. HUGE IMPACT! That idea clicked and clicked and clicked. It works in regard to accepting the death of my mom. It works in relation to the mess in my house. It works when I think about my weight loss, and how I've been in stall mode since Christmas. There's nothing magic about it...it is all ME. The good news is that if it's all me, then I can change these things. I can't change that my mom is in heaven, but I can change how I accept it or not. I can't wiggle my nose and clean my house (wouldn't that be GREAT?!) but I can choose one spot to clean and organize, and move to the next one. I can't change my past behavior with food, but I can change my behavior today. As the writer recommends, breathe a big sigh, and accept. Now change. I just love that. I am grateful to wear my new size! I am grateful for the opportunity to learn patience each morning, as I "accept" the traffic. I am grateful for the seasons and the progression of life. To be continued...
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1/21//06

Saturdays...I remember when Saturdays meant sleeping late and hanging out, just waiting on Saturday night's excitement. Now, it still means sleeping late (well, anything later than 4:45 AM is late to me!) but the hanging out has pretty much disappeared. Now, there's laundry, and cleaning, and errands...there are bills to pay, activities to organize, and transportation to arrange (these last two are related to DD!) Saturday night excitement means my FIL is coming for dinner. Strangely, not always but 90% of the time, I'm not bitter about these changes; to the contrary, I rather like them. Living "on the edge" had its moments...my crazy younger days certainly hold their charm, even today. But just thinking about the uncertainties, the headaches, and the forgotten drives home are enough to make me thankful, not bitter. I'm one of the lucky ones, who found the right man at the right time, and we now have a normal, regular, happy little family. I laugh when I think that in days gone by, I wanted nothing whatsoever to do with "normal" or "boring". Now, I consider a boring day, a GOOD day! It's nice to remind myself of that when I've spent yet another Saturday organizing our lives to get through the next week. I still can't believe I'M the mother...you'd think at 50, I would think of myself as an adult, and I do, but maybe an adult in the 30-something range! I'm grateful for my funny little puppy that always makes me laugh...especially his yodel! I'm grateful for Saturdays, and the chance to be at home. I love my new Royal Elastics red and white shoes...they are so cute! To be continued....
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1/22/06

The important thing about this date is that it is (was) my parents anniversary. It would have been their 51st anniversary. I am proud of dad...he went to church this morning and we sat together. It seems like just yesterday we were sitting in church, last year, celebrating their 50th anniversary! My DS and I had special flowers on the altar to commemorate the special day. We all posed together after church, with the flowers...we had all their friends send cards, and we have a great big storage box full of those cards. Mom's dream was to take all of us to Disneyworld for their 50th anniversary...we did that Christmas 2004. Thank God we did that when we did...if we had chosen to wait until summer, well, we wouldn't have had that trip. So, Mom and Dad took all 8 of us (my sister, husband and son...DH, DD, and me..plus the two of them) to Disneyworld for 8 days at Christmas! We did everything! Mom couldn't do the really intense rides, due the abdominal aneurysm, but she had the biggest smile on her face the whole time, just so thrilled that they could give us such a great treat! I like scrapbooking, and have planned to make 3 scrapbooks, one for my sis's family, one for us, and one for my parents. I have not been able to work on them...after she died, when I look at those pictures, I get lost in sadness that I won't ever, ever see that face again (here on earth, anyway). So, all the pictures and really cute scrapbook stuff sits in the cabinet, waiting on me. I know it will be such a healing experience to put it together, and I look forward to doing it, when I'm ready. So, on their anniversary, I honor my parents' devotion and commitment. It was not always easy; perhaps it was rarely easy. They had their arguments, and they had their differences. But I learned this: marriage is a decision, and love is a decision. Love is giving it all, when the chips are down and the road is rough. Love is getting each other through the good and bad times, and the even worse times. There is sacrifice in love. There are tears and joy beyond measure. When I sit here today and think back on my parents' marriage, the vow, "Until death do us part" means more than it ever has before. They kept their vows. What an accomplishment. I am grateful for the lessons in love I learned from my mom and dad. I am grateful for the rainy day we have today, and the cooler weather. I am grateful for my church, and the people who have surrounded us with love and care. To be continued....
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1/23/06

Let's talk about weight and perception of weight. Very few subjects cause as many intense reactions as a discussion of weight....unless you want to mention religion and politics, which I don't (right now, anyway!). I remember doing exercises with my mom when I was probably 10 or so...by the time I was in jr. high, we were trying all kinds of crazy diets. Remember the one where one day you ate only bananas, the next day was eggs, the next day grapefruit...I think there were 10 days of that. How about the cabbage soup diet? Check! Hypnosis? Check! A tablespoon of vinegar before every meal? Check! The original Atkins diet, complete with ketosis strips you tested your pee with? Check! Aerobics? Check. Step classes? Check. Weight lifting? Check. Weight dares and competitions, with cash prizes? Check. You know what I'm talking about. When I was a young adult, I found out about those doctors - the ones who would talk to you for a few minutes, then write you a prescription; mine was for Tenuate. All you had to do to get more was lose some weight each month. That wasn't a problem! And, I had a really clean apartment! This drug brought about one of the greatest sustained weight losses ever...I actually wore a size 10. You can't stay on diet pills forever, so that had to end, and the weight came right back. It took a while, but I gained it all, and another 80. Sure, I intervened from time to time, and the term "yo-yo dieting" was my lifestyle. For those of us of a certain age, Twiggy had a profound effect on our self-concepts. I look at pictures from high school, and I see a perfectly healthy, vibrant 17 year old. I remember thinking I was fat, even then, at 5'7" and 135. I mean, embarrassed about it kind of fat. Can it be true that thinking something actually does make it true? I wonder if my fellow bandsters have had similar thoughts, at least the ones who were a normal weight as teenagers and gained weight during adulthood? If one's perceptions are that powerful, that they can actually create reality, then I think I'm going to try an idea someone on the LBT boards wrote about...I'm telling myself that I'm losing weight, and that I weigh about 10 lbs less than I actually do...and create the reality I desire. My brain is so full of negative self-talk, I figure it can't hurt to use a little positive self-talk to win the battle. I'm grateful for being able to work with kids who have hard situations, and help them make a success out of their lives. It's so great to do something you love! I'm grateful that today has brought a break in the clouds for me, emotionally. I'm grateful for my home, which is safe and full of love, if also quite a bit messy. To be continued...
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1/28/06

I found myself saying to my best friend last night, that I was ready for a new chapter in my life...I just didn't know where it started or what it would be. Looking at that idea more closely, I feel very positive about what it means. I think it means that I am coming to terms with the big losses of the last year, and know there will be better days. One of the teachers I work with wrote this on a sympathy card: "Your life will never be the same, but it doesn't have to be bad." That's a big idea. Doesn't that statement cover almost any big loss or change? Acceptance and moving forward is the goal; not moving away or forgetting. There's a blurred boundary here, at least when you're in it. I imagine that once you are past this point, it is more clear, and you find out you "had the power" all along. I've always liked that line from The Wizard of Oz...what the good witch tells Dorothy when she says she wants to go back to Kansas...funny, that is where my grandma lived, and where my mom grew up. One thing for sure, we're not in Kansas anymore! We're on our way to somewhere else, and we can always return if we need to. Things won't be the same, but they don't have to be bad. I am grateful for the anticipation of my niece's new baby...she'll be born soon. I am grateful for the bigger idea of the cycle of life...my mom left, a new baby is coming. I am grateful for wireless internet, so I can journal in the middle of the night, without waking everyone else! To be continued.....Cindy
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1/29/06

What's the hot topic for today? I've been thinking about "community." We all have our little groups (communities)...family, work, church, activities, our children's activities....maybe even people who have chosen the same surgery, like here at LBT! These communities give us connectedness to the outside; they provide a meaningful way for us to relate to each other. Sadly, not everyone feels that they belong to a community, so they make some up: gangs, drug and alcohol abusers, unhealthy relationships, etc. Ironically, these communities seek further isolation from society, so that the problem that led people to them is exacerbated further by their participation. Ask yourself if you know anyone who is part of a community that leads to further isolation....I know I have sought company by banding with others who have the same isolating problem I have had. Maybe you're doing the same thing? Take a close look at your communities. Make sure you are part of groups that are caring, positive and supportive of each other. If you are "stuck" in a group that is not like this, (family) do what you can to change your reactions to it. Notice I have not said that these communities have to think, talk, or believe exactly the same as each other...there must be room for respectful disagreement. Respectful. Disagreement. Those two words do not go together often today, do they? They should. So, let's start in our little communities...allow a disagreement of opinion. Seek to give help more than you ask to receive it. Instead of going within, reach out. Somewhere earlier I said I think I do better when I'm helping others...since this topic came to me today, I would imagine I've done enough introspection for now, and it's time to take the show on the road! I am grateful for my communities...my family, my work, my church, my friends, and LBT. I am grateful for my electric foot warmer...so cozy! I am grateful for the love and friendship I share with my husband. To be continued....
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2/1/06

What causes "blue" days? I can be going along, doing pretty good...then the next day, WHAM! All I think about is mom, I replay the scenes from her last days, I remember other times that were great, and times that I know I hurt her feelings. This type of thinking is with me all day, if I'm lucky, and several days or a week if I'm not. It affects everything...my work, my family, my attitude. The strange thing is, I KNOW I'm doing it, I know it isn't helping, and I cannot nudge myself out of it. Tears are just waiting to be released, but not every time is a good time for a cry. I mean, I can't just start crying in the classroom...I don't want to upset my DD by crying too much. I can cry on the way to work, but it does take a toll on my make-up and I arrive at school all red-eyed, and at this school, the automatic thought is that I'm smoking pot...that comes from the kids, not the teachers! Just don't want you to get the wrong idea... Maybe these waves of sadness are the reverse of birth contractions. There's really no way to avoid them, and at the end, a new life arrives. Like contractions, fighting them only adds to the pain, and you know they won't last forever. But it feels like that, that these pains will never go away, and when you're in them, it is your total focus. Mom had these pains when I was born, now I have them when she died. I guess that's about as balanced as you can get. I'm grateful for being able to wear some pants that didn't fit last week. I'm grateful for the love and comfort of family. I'm grateful for the blessing of a good mom, thank you God.
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