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Whoa

Wow is this site woefully inadequate in explaining what all those settings on this blog are. I hope I got them right. I suppose I could open the help section, but like most things, I am too impatient to read instructions. Anyway to the actual blogging now. I don't know if I'll keep this up. It is my first attempt at blogging. I've resisted this before even though I am a writer bu trade. Still I am hopeful that the seriousness of this endeavor will drive me to write about it. I am still in the early stages of getting approval for the lap band operation. I am going to Cedars Sinai by the way. I trust the institution and besides, that is where I have always gone thorughout my various lives. I am still uncertain if I am giong through with this. I mean I am here because I lost the control I used to have over food. In years before I was able to diet down to either my goal weight or in the neighborhood. Why the change? I suppose it is the new level of stress in my life (which I will undoubtedly get to writing about at some point). Anyway I am over 300 pounds now and am just appalled at myself. I mean how did I get this far? It seems to have snuck up on me, despite knowing that I didn't just magically get here. My goal weight? 165. I am practically twice my proper size. I absolutely hate being this big. Not for the embarrassing appearance (although that is a big concern to me), but for the difficulty it imposes on simple tasks, simple moving around. When did just tying shoes become a challenge? And ultimately I am driven by health matters. I have sleep apnea (complex, not just obstructive so it is a problem that might not go away). I have a bad back (the stenosis is genetic however - hence the laminectomy was worsened by the weight but would have existed otherwise). I have high blood pressure. All things that are traditional for the over-weight. No not overweight, the morbidly obese. I like that term because it is uncomfortable to say and I want that discomfort. It will help drive me to action. So here I am waiting to do the next steps, which include a visit with a nutritionist and then a psychiatrist. I will have to admit to some "last meal" consciousness. I do think about the things I won't be able to eat or behaviors I will be giving up and want to indulge in them one last time. Of course I am not because I don't want to shoot up in weight now. I find that even though I am taking in fewer calories now, I am still exhibiting poor habits. Not eating every three hours. Not balancing the protein and fat and carbs. That will be a challenge for me becuase I just want to eat without a great deal of thinking. I do well with a very restricted menu, so as to not be faced with too many choices. One success of the past was a South Beach diet menu. I ate the same thing every day for six months. I liked the menu and was never really unhappy with eating it. I have no idea why I don't just do that again with a greater emphasis on staying the course once I've lost the weight. Inevitably I always stop and cave under the pressure of my world. I am an emotional and stress eater. My thing is volume though and so this is why I have high hopes for the band. Ok I am bored now so first entry over. I plan to be back but we'll see.

Bubba23

April 19, 2011

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