Java's Journey

missing

Ugh well I clearly fell off the wagon. I dissappeared from here, I stopped thinking, and I found out that chips and what not go down so easy. Why would I sabotage myself? I feel like I do this just in regualr life too, beyond this massive journey I was so gung ho about. Mental changs is the hardest. I didn't get to 300lbs in college without trying! If I think about the grand scheme of things, at least since 2005 I've lost almost 100 pounds. That is of course a 6 year handicap including atkins, weight watchers, calorie counting, and now the band. What could be my possible problem with being so self hurting? I'm hoping that something in my mind will change soon. While looking at photos from a recent performance last night, I was astounded by how much smaller I look. That was a little kick in the pants to say hey, get back on this, get back to that site, start walking or working out or something, just do it. Remember when you wated to run? Well start moving. Attempts start today

javaquarius

July 20, 2011

3

The big ABOUT entry

Hi... whoever is reading this I'm starting a blog. Well you know that already now don't you. I'm doing this to make myself more accountable for my actions. Also to provide insight on my random musings of the day. I have lots. First I am Michele, second I work in an office- nothing spectacular, third I Victory Rolls, a burlesque dancer. I've been dancing burlesque for about two years now. What a release. What an affirmation about your body and being sexy. What a juxtoposition between this journey and my view of myself and the public's view of me in return. I love it. It's a way to become something outside of yourself. While Michele may not think a bikini is a great idea, Victory Rolls will dance in a bra and shorts... I know Enough of that third person- thats weird. My heaviest weight was about five years ago at 298, it may have been 300 but at that time I refused to look. I did atkins with my best friend, I lost 60 pounds, thought that was amazing. Then slowly over the course of 5 years it crept back on. Up to 265 I started going to the gym, working out, low carbing, trying my best. Got to 215 and thought my god yes I am doing it again! Then relapse. Back up to 250 I decided on lap band. I have never NEVER been skinny, or even normal sized. From grade school all the way through college. During college I found groups and dances that celebrated the fuller figure. I was empowered. I thought no problem. This is acceptance, this is fabulous. Some people find the way I look sexy, but I didn't... I still wasn't right in my life. (Its still a process) I felt like a fraud. I wanted so badly to be healthy and look in the mirror and like what I see. So this journey began. 6 months of research and worry. Doctors appointments and what have you. It was time. Jan 12th and a major storm hits the north east. I would not be stopped. This was my destiny and we made it to the hospital. Now, 3 1/2 months out I'm down to 213.8 today woo hoo! I keep teetering around this weight with no further reference for something smaller. Anything below 200 is my highschool weight, and I don't remember that at all. I'm moving forward though. I can REALLY do this. I don't need some point of reference beyond this... fashion has changed and I won't be pegging my pants and wearing skidz and zcavaricci come 180. (yes i did that. Thanks early 90's) So this is the journey I figure. Beyond those numbers that have become all too familiar. A 2 in the front of my weight number has been normal so far, as well as numbers like 3,4,5,6 second. But no more! This is my year (and yours too)

javaquarius

April 14, 2011

0

morning

go good its early... well not really its regular time but I am exhausted. My cousin just ran the Boston Marathon yesterday and I couldn't be more emotional about it. It was amazing seeing bodies pushed against the limits. Elite runners aside, I was loving yelling for these runners. I loved knowing I was adding to the push to the finish. I'm so proud of my cousin, and so inspired to get on it. If she can do it I've got to do a little something. My victory was a size large shirt. I know different manufacturers make different sizes, but I don't care, that tag said large and I wore it. I also walked my way around a marathon, and believe me that was a feat in itself. On to this new day. Feeeling inspired.

javaquarius

April 19, 2011

1

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