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my journey

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So I'm taking my life back!

I was in the Navy and I struggled to maintain my weight for years but I did it. I have steadily put on weight and I made excuses like the Bipolar meds made me gain weight, and quiting smoking made me gain weight. But the truth is that I overate and didn't excersize in addition to those things and a thyroid problem. Recently my little boy told me I had a fat belly. Now I know this is an understatement but it hurt coming from him. I remember thinking my Mom was a goddess, lol.   My husband stopped being a husband and started being a freind a long time ago. He HATES people that are overweight, he even ostrasized his sister when she was young because she had a weight problem. He has learned to just not say anything to me, but I miss having a closeness that we don't have because I know what he thinks. It hurts, and is probably one of the key reasons that I overeat. When he says something or acts a certain way I eat.... alot. Shortly after we married, when I felt good about myself he informed me that if I was just skinnier I would be the person he really wanted. I was angry of course, I mean you don't marry an overweight girl and hope she gets skinny to be the person you want to love. I think subconsiously I decided that if I was skinny he didn't deserve me. And that was the start of the downward spiral. At the time I was 50 lbs overweight according to BMI, and since then I have put on more than 50 more lbs. He has always tried to push me out the door to go and work out because surely that would fix everything. It would have helped I am sure. When I did get out there and make the efforts to lose the weight he would not even give me a word of encouragement and I would give up and stop and gain it all back. Not that I made huge leaps and strides in the weight loss at the time.   Well I found out I have blood sugar problems, cholesterol problems, sleep apnea, thyroid problems, I hate my body, I don't even like to see myself in a mirror or naked..... I am done. And when I lose the weight I don't know how I am supposed to feel about my husband. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. But I want my sons to be proud of me, and I want to be able to look myself in the mirror again without cringing. I guess Iam just lucky that my insurance company didn't give me any problems when I finally made the decision to do this.   My surgery is the 8th of March! It's almost here and I am ready. I WILL take back my life, and I will live a healthier life for myself and for my children.
onebadkitty

onebadkitty

5
 

One day at a time

I'm nervous and scared of the upcoming surgery. In my mind I compose beautiful letters to my loved one in the event that I don't make it through surgery, something to let them know how very much they mean to me. I cry just thinking about it and that's when I know I'm really scared. I know that I am trying to make a change so I will be there when they grow up and with my health problems I might not make it without this help. Well I am at 4 days and a wake up for surgery so wish me luck!
onebadkitty

onebadkitty

7
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