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Starting Over...

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Banded 5/20/08 & Starting Over...

So, here's my story... My 3 year bandiversary is coming up and I feel like I've just wasted the past 2 years battling my food addiction.   I am looking for help on how to start again...   When I was first banded, all was wonderful. The weight was melting off, I was working out, I felt amazing. The one thing that didn't happen for me was self-confidence. I woke up every day thinking, "Is today the day I'm going to mess this all up" or if I didn't show a loss on the scale, I would instantly feel like giving up! I took a trip to visit my family in NY and go to my 20 yr high school reunion. I had a great time- but guess what? 2 weeks in NY made me gain 6lbs b/c I fell right back into my old habits. I love my family, but there's something there that just makes me want to eat ALL THE TIME!   When I returned home, I had my band filled a couple of times. In complete denial that I had fallen back into my old ways - I taught myself how to eat around my band.   After I gained about 20lbs, I started getting sick. I wasn't taking any vitamins, not eating healthy. My band was so tight that I was throwing up 2-3 times a day. I started getting kidney infections & stones and am always always always tired...   Today, I've gained back 40 of the 80lbs I had lost and need to put a stop to it NOW!   I'm so disgusted with myself... What's crazier is that I'm still making payments for the surgery!!! UGH!   So here's where I'm at now... I have spent the last 2 weeks crying, journaling, eating bad things--- I'm in a deep depression. Yesterday, I still woke up depressed - but there was a different feeling. I decided to stop making bad choices & bad excuses for my eating. I went into the kitchen and threw away about $100 worth of junk food/processed crap. I went to work, had eggs for breakfast, steak for lunch. On the way home- I bought turkey, chicken, & salad and made a healthy delicious dinner for the family. I didn't snack, I didn't pick--- nothing.   My husband called on his way home from work- not knowing about my recent tirade in the kitchen and asked me what kind of cake should he bring home. I started crying uncontrollably & begged him Not to. He got it- for the 1st time in a long time- he got it! I told him, if you want to keep junk in the house, please buy stuff that I won't touch... (He's never had a weight problem in his life) He didn't bring anything home but a hug and understanding!!!   When I went to bed I thought about eating- but asked myself, "Am I Hungry or Bored?"- decided it was nothing and went to sleep! I woke up feeling a little happier with my decision to skip the snacks and am doing the same thing today... I did work out 4x's this week- trying to get out of the funk I've been in. Maybe it's working?   I'm going to try taking it one bite at a time, then move up to one meal at a time, and eventually one day at a time... All I'm asking for is some support. I need somewhere to go to keep me accountable.   The strange thing is that I can see myself getting thinner & actually enjoying a good workout. It's just getting there that's the problem.   What I know for a fact now is that: 1. Sugar (Carbs) & Salt are the enemy- they make me sick & fat 2. I can never drink enough water 3. I have to work out -- every single day! I'm not saying that those 3 things are true for everyone- it's just what I've learned about myself...   The other thing I need to work on is my mental health. Getting more confident in ME and dealing with some issues that tend to keep me down...   This website seemed like a step in the right direction-- I hope I'm in the right place. If I'm not- some guidence on where to turn would be awesome!
SweetestHost

SweetestHost

4
 

The New Beginning... Again!

Went to the doctor today- felt great to be there, but was seriously having panic attacks for a week in anticipation of what was to come of this appointment. My Story:   I was banded on 5/20/08- just 3 years ago. I had a great start to the program. I was eating less, working out, feeling so Great about myself. "Onederland" was quickly approaching... Then STOP!!!!! I took a trip back 'home' to NY for 2 weeks- old habits came rushing back Came home and got a fill because I had gained a few pounds- making me TOO tight Husband lost his job I lost my job My Grandmother dies Depression sets in- TRIGGER- bringing on Panic Attacks I stop taking care of myself- no vitamins, no water, eating carbs, snacking at night on Bad things Needless to say- I went completely out of control. Wound up in the hospital with kidney stones. Blamed everyone and everything but myself... I EVEN HAD MY BAND EMPTIED OUT FOR 8 MONTHS!!!!!! I wound up gaining back 38 of the 78 I had lost. Moving On: A girl I work with had her band put in this past December. She's going through everything I went through that first year. The losing weight, exercising, shrinking out of her clothes, the compliments, the all around Great feeling!!! I want what she has again.............. I decided to stop fooling around- get serious. I went back to the doctor today to start over. Feeling nervous as ever- I put my tail between my legs and went in. Brian was Great! He sat with me and talked and is getting me on the path to recovery. My 14cc band now hold 7.6cc's. When I hit my sweet spot 2 years ago, I was sitting at 10cc's.... we're going to get there slowly. My appointments will be weekly for a while so I can hold myself accountable for my actions. My work-outs will start tonight. I'm excited to get back into the swing of things even though my journey feels like its going to take forever. I'm praying that I can make each and every day count...
SweetestHost

SweetestHost

3
 

May 29th...

I'm not really sure that anyone reads this Blog, but that does't really matter much to me. I'm finding it therapeutic to write a little here and there about what's going on with me and my 2nd journey with the LapBand!   Since I restarted my journey 2 weeks ago, I've lost 8lbs and am very happy about that. Now I'm on a mission to get out of the 250's. I wonder if it's just me, but does anyone else have a problem losing 'the tens". I can be stuck at 251 for 2 months before I see the 250 or 249. It's unbelievable to me how it happens all the time. It's a mental struggle. This morning I weighed in at 251.2. Let's see what tomorrow brings! Fingers & Toes Crossed!!!   My eating has changed drastically and I've learned so much about what to eat and what not to eat. It's EXTREMELY important for me to write down what I'm eating throughout the day. This ensures that I'm drinking my water, taking vitamins & eating my 100grams of Protein. I never did that before & look where it got me...   I joined the gym- but am not really getting into it. I go through the motions, but am not really 'pumped'. I think I'm just exhausted and need to find energy from somewhere. It's hard because I have to go after a long day of work. Then after the gym, I come home to my family & they are hungry, want to talk, play, etc... I'm hoping once the kids are out of school, it will be a little easier on me. I can go early in the morning on my days off, then only 3 days at night. I can't go on the weekends right now- but 5 days is much better than the Zero I was doing before!        
SweetestHost

SweetestHost

2
 

Week 1 of Starting Over

WOW- what a week I had!   I ate right- hit just a couple of small bumps- but got right back up and kept going... Went for a check-up and lost 4lbs. Of course, right on track with the 1-4 you're supposed to lose. Got a small fill- only .5cc's bringing me to 8cc's total (14cc band).   If I lose another 4lbs this week- I will be extatic! Is it realistic to think that I can do that?   Now comes my battle with exercise.... I hate it- I hate it- I hate it. I don't know if there is ever going to be a day where I have a good relationship with exercise, but I'm not someone that likes to give up. SO I'M JOINING THE GYM! I can't believe I just said this- but it's true. On my way home from work tomorrow, I'm going to march in there & just do it. I figured out a schedule & worked it out so I can go Mon-Fri. WOW- I never thought I would do this, but here it is...   Wish me luck!!! LOL  
SweetestHost

SweetestHost

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