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My Journey through Lap-Band Land

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Wow, I'm a witch this morning.......

As of this moment, it’s been 36 hours and 50 minutes since I smoked a cigarette.   And, as of this very second, I wish to God I had a cigarette to smoke.   That’s just the way I feel right now. I do know that this feeling will pass, however. It doesn’t help that I have a freakin’ headache the size of Texas right now, and that I had wild dreams that woke me up last night every hour, on the hour – thank YOU, nicotine patch.   I’m so damn grouchy, I can hardly stand myself. The kids are going with their Mom for Thanksgiving today. The only ones in the house will be me and the hubby. I pity the fool who gets in my way today. Honestly, I do. When I let the dog out this morning for her morning pee, I wanted to smoke so badly I was clenching my jaws. My molars hurt from clenching so hard.   And I may as well state for the record right now that I am NOT following any freakin’ liquid diet anymore until I get over these damn cravings for cigarettes. I don’t even have a surgery date, for God’s sake, so I’m not going to try to quit smoking AND quit eating (essentially) at the same time. I’m strong, but I ain’t THAT strong, honey.   Damn, I’m grouchy.   I can’t wait until tomorrow night at 7:00pm. That hour will mark 72 hours since I had a cigarette – notice, I didn’t say, “…since I had my LAST cigarette…” – remember, I’m keeping my options open this time – that’s what’s gonna make this quit different than the last one.   ANYWAY…….where was I? Oh, yeah. Friday – tomorrow night – at 7:00pm will mark 72 hours since I had a cigarette. They say that the first 72 hours are the worst for cigarette cravings (whoever the Hell THEY are….who makes up this shit?). So, I’m guessing that about 8:00pm tomorrow night I’ll be in a MUCH better mood.   I’d better be because, like I said, I’m so caustic just now I can hardly stand my own self.   Better get the stupid turkey out and see if it’s thawed enough to cook it. It’s now been precisely 37 hours since I’ve smoked a cigarette.   Yee Haw . Damn cigarette cravings.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

4
 

Quitting smoking...

It’s 4:10am and I can’t sleep. I had my last cigarette last night at 7:03pm. I sit here at this computer just moments after washing my upper arm with soap and hot water, drying it thoroughly with a towel, and slapping a 21mg nicotine patch on my arm. I’m wanting a cigarette in a really bad way.   Now it’s 4:22am and I’m sitting here with my cup of coffee, still wanting a cigarette. I’m hoping like Hell that this nicotine patch kicks in and brings me sweet relief from craving a cigarette. I let the dog out for her morning pee and stopped abruptly, keenly aware that I wouldn’t be on the back deck, taking a drag on my morning cigarette. Then I went to the front door and looked out the window, hoping not to see frost on the car windows. Damn. SOLID frost – the kind you gotta scrape and scrape even after the car has been turned on and warming up in the driveway for fifteen minutes.   “If there’s no frost,” I told myself, “then that’s a sign that I can dash to the Shell gas station and get a pack of cigarettes.” But the frost is there in a big way, so there’ll be no trip to the Shell station.   But I already knew that before I looked out the window. Head games. That’s what’s going on now.   Damn. Now I feel my chest tightening, like I’m going to start wheezing – like it does when I have an asthma attack. I’m taking deep breaths. I realize what’s going on. I’ve been here before. This scene is all too familiar now. The last time I did this, I lasted four weeks to the day without a cigarette. I used the patch that time, too. The time before that I lasted two years without a cigarette, and I had done it cold turkey that time.   I don’t know how long this time will last, but I know that I’ve gotta try to quit. It’s funny how I said in my opening statement that I had my last cigarette last night. I don’t know if it will be my last. I know that it will be my last one for a while, however. I do know that.   This time will be different. I’m not going to announce to anyone, “I’m an ex-smoker. I quit smoking.” Because, I haven’t. Not yet. I’m not going to say, “I smoked my last cigarette November 21, 2006.” Because I don’t know at this juncture whether that was my last cigarette or not. I’m not going to say that I’ll never smoke again.   This time will be different because I’m not going to say any of those things. What I WILL say is this: “I’m not going to smoke a cigarette right now, but if I want to smoke one, I will.”   That way I haven’t closed my options. That way I will feel that I’m in control. That way I will feel that this is a choice – not an ultimatum. Me and ultimatums don’t do well. Just ask my ex-husband. He’d tell ya’. If someone – anyone – says to me, “You’ve got a choice; it’s either A or B.” Guess what? I’ll do C every time. I’m not takin’ your freakin’ choices. I’ll make my OWN, thank you.   So, if I wanna stop somewhere on the way to work and get a pack of smokes, I will. If I wanna dash out at lunch time and smoke after ripping this patch off of my arm, I will. If I wanna go scrape the car windows for 15 minutes and go to the store right now and get a pack, I will. See…..it’s MY choice.   And that’s what I hafta tell myself just now to get through this first day. It’s 4:46am and I’m still wanting a cigarette, but not as bad as I wanted one when I started typing this. I had my last drag nearly 10 hours ago and that’s pretty damn good for me. I like myself just about now.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

4
 

January 1st needs to come soon...

This past weekend was not good regarding food choices.   'Nuff said.   The past few days I've toyed with questions such as, "Do I really wanna do this?" "Have I researched this enough?" "Will I have complications"   Stuff like that. Just any old excuse, I suppose, NOT to be banded.   Then I think about what transpired this past weekend. If I were banded, I wouldn't be sitting here feeling guilty right now, because I wouldn't have been able to stuff my pie hole the way I did.   I gotta get a grip.   I'll be covered insurance-wise for this procedure on January 1st. It can't come soon enough.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

Gaining control of my eating...

Yesterday was a great day eating-wise. I think I'm getting things under control now. I've lost a few pounds (water weight) since Monday.   As usual, I had my coffee with half-n-half and Sweet-n-Low in the morning, then I sipped on a diet orange Faygo until noon. For lunch, I had a generic SlimFast shake, and a Lipton cup-o-soup, chicken noodle, and when the cup became half empty, I'd fill it with more hot water. I did that a few times until the chicken broth tasted more and more like just hot water. It filled my stomach, so I wasn't hungry for food. Then I drank Diet Snapple the rest of the afternoon.   It was very tempting about 3:30pm to eat one of the tootsie rolls from the candy dish in the office, but I didn't.   At home after work I had my usual 16-ounce cup of instant coffee. Dinner was a little polish sausage and sauerkraut, and a slice of Swiss cheese. Later I had a low carb tortilla with some home made chicken salad on it (chicken, boiled eggs, mayo, onion). I also had a protein bar with 3 net grams of carbs.   So, I was fully satiated yesterday and can only say that I experienced hunger once all day long. I know that I cannot make a habit of having protein bars AND food in the same meal, so I'll work on that today.   Onward.....
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

2
 

Not too shabby......

So, I didn't do TOO badly yesterday, eating-wise. I received a comment in my journal from a member who told me to eat something low carb if I had to eat solid food, and that's what I did.   I managed to avoid all sugar and flour yesterday. If I can do it one day, I can do it two days.   And that's what I'm shooting for today.   I think I'll go ahead and bid on the Medifast stuff I saw on ebay and give it a try since, indeed, it is the stuff I hafta use for 14 days prior to surgery. The dietician confirmed that to me in an email.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

2
 

About this liquid diet requirement before surgery...

I dunno if I can do this. Wow. This is more difficult than I thought it would be. I started over fine yesterday. Got up at 5:30am, per usual, had a few cups of coffee with half-n-half and Splenda. More coffee at work. At 10:00am, drank a generic Slimfast shake. Great. Everything was fine. No hunger. Lunch time -- had to work through lunch, but that's another story -- had my Lipton cup-o-soup chicken noodle (may was well say chicken BROTH) -- had two of those. Home at 5:30pm, had more coffee (per usual), dinner was another cup-o-soup, and another protein shake about 6:00pm.   I did fine up until 7:00pm. That's when the hunger become overwhelming. I had some clam chowder soup. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. That led to having a few slices of Swiss cheese, and just before going to bed at 9:45pm, I had five pretzel sticks.   Yeesh.   I don't even have a surgery date yet, and I can't seem to stick to a liquid diet. The surgeon reuires that I stick to a Medifast liquid diet for two weeks before surgery. I'm worried that I won't be able to do it.   Today's another day.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

2
 

The best laid plans.....

Well, Hell. I didn't get on the treadmill yesterday AT ALL, as I had planned. In fact, I just sat on my butt most of the day, watching TV. I only did two loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, washed dishes and put them away, baked some bread for the family, and that's pretty much it.   Wow. I'm a slug.   I also didn't follow the liquid diet I was planning to do yesterday. Oh, well. Today is another day, and as soon as I take my vitamins and enter some foods into FitDay, I'm going to get my butt off of this chair and work on my sewing and do some more laundry. As soon as the hubby wakes up, I'll ask him to help me unfold the treadmill so that I can use it. I bought some more soups last night, so I'll try the liquid diet again today.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

Feeling much better this morning....

....and it's probably because I slept well last night, and could sleep in this morning.   I'm going to try to follow a liquid diet today and tomorrow -- not the Medifast stuff my surgeon will have me use just before surgery -- but I'll start with clear soups and beverages. Monday I'll use Kroger's generic version of SlimFast Shakes to replace two meals a day. I'm gonna try that for a week. Today's liquid diet may include some liquid Vodka-and-Diet-Coke clear beverages later this evening.   Now it's time to hit the treadmill for 30 minutes.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

I'm just torqued off today

I'm just in a really pissy mood today, dammit. Hell Week** started today, and I'm just ready to go off on anyone. Just gimme a reason.   Emailed the dietician today to ask if I could lose some weight without it affecting whether or not the freakin' insurance will cover my procedure. She said they'd take the weight and measurements they recorded for me when I was in the office the other day, and turn those into the insurance company. They damn well better, because I am going to try to give a liquid diet a fighting chance here starting this weekend, just to see how difficult it is, and I intend to lose weight between now and the surgery date. I don't care WHAT anyone else says...when my surgeon tells me that I hafta be on a liquid diet for 10 days before my procedure, I'm gonna By God be on that liquid diet.   The NOIVE of some people saying, "Just do what you want -- eat what you want -- but don't tell your doctor." Man, that just tears it. Holy Mother of God.....this is SURGERY, for God's sake. DO what the SURGEON says, not what you WANNA do. Nothing like breaking the freakin' rules before you're even banded. Makes me wonder what will happen to those people AFTER being banded if they can't follow the rules BEFOREhand.   I woke up at 3:00am this morning, and couldn't get back to sleep. Hubby was tossing and turning -- am CONVINCED the dolt has sleep apnea, but does he belive me? NOOOOOOOoooooooo -- so instead of laying there feeling the bed shaking every few moments because he's thrashing around like he's threshing wheat, I just said, "Oh, what the Hell," and got my arse outta the bed.   So, it's 3:45am and I've already had two cups of coffee, so I'm wide awake. I took the opportunity to search some message boards for a "routine" liquid diet menu that folks follow, but couldn't find one before I had to go to work.   It's now 9:08pm and I'm just dead to the world right now, so I think I'll give everyone in my life a break and go to bed, falling asleep to the sound of everyone heaving a huge sigh of relief.   Hey......I KNOW how I can be during Hell Week, and it ain't pretty. I pity the fool who gets in my way.   This, too, shall pass.   **Hell Week = the week before my period starts. All bets are off during that week. I am NOT my normal self, so don't expect anything normal outta me.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

The initial consult went GREAT!

Well, I finally met with Dr. Curry and his staff today, and my husband and I left feeling secure and thoroughly impressed. First, Charity checked me in and made sure all of my paperwork was in order, and she collected the co-pay. My husband was being a smart aleck (per usual) and she threatened to beat him up for me. I knew I'd like the girl from that moment on. Next, we met with Erin, the Clinical Dietician. She weighed me (ugh!) and took my measurements (double ugh!), and then spoke with us in the exam room. She has a lap band herself, and it was comforting to know that someone with personal lap band experience was extoling its virtues to me. After Erin, we met Tracy. Tracy is the Insurance Coordinator and she really set my mind at ease about insurance. She told me that UHC is a very good insurance with which to work, and she forsees no problem with approval (so far). Lisa came in next, and she's the Nurse Practitioner. Wow. Again, she went over every aspect of my medical and physical history, and answered a lot of questions I had (although, when I left, I thought of several more). And last, but certainly not least, Dr. Curry came in and showed us a brief presentation about the pros and cons of having a lap band, and he told me that I am an ideal candidate for the procedure. Whew! So, I went to work and spent a few moments on the phone with my insurance company getting pre-authorization for a psychiatric review with an in-network psychiatrist -- one of the ones listed on the referral paper given to me by Dr. Curry's office. I'll have my psyc review on Friday, 11-17-06, and 9:00am. The wheels are in motion, and if everything goes as planned, I should be banded around the third week in January! WOO HOO!!!!!
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

Today is the day!

I have an appointment to see Dr. Curry this morning at 11:00am. I am excited, yet nervous. Last night I dreamed that he told me that I wasn't a good candidate for a lap band, and told me to go home and lose weight the "old fashioned" way.   Well, THAT way hasn't worked for me at all. I've been fat ever since I can remember. My parents and three siblings were never fat, but I was. Mom started taking me to Weight Watcher's meetings when I was 8 years old. She gave me Ayds to chew on, helped me count calories, signed me up for gymnastics and dancing lessons in the hope I'd burn more calories and lose weight, threatened and cajoled me into losing weight, bought my sister new clothes but not me, in the hopes that I'd "straighten up" and lose weight, punished me other various ways because I wouldn't lose weight, had me on various liquid diets, including the Cambridge Diet, took me to a hypnotist for subliminal weight-loss messages, and paid for me to go to Diet Center.   In my adult life I continued to life with family put-downs because of my weight and I finally topped out at 352 pounds. I stopped eating on July 1, 1998 and in 23 months I lost over 150 pounds. But that's only because I was eating about two cups of food a day, and mostly protein. Since that time I've tried to stay to two cups of food a day, but I cannot. I've steadily gained weight (big surprise) and am now back up to 247 pounds. At this rate, before the end of 2007, I'll be right back up over 300 pounds.   I've calculated that I've lost and gained close to 200 pounds over and over again in my lifetime, and I'M SICK TO DEATH OF THIS STUPID HAMSTER WHEEL I'M ON!!!!!!!!   Please, Dr. Curry............you're my last hope!
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

Well, Hell....

Out of curiosity sake, I just measured my height here at work. Barefoot, I put my back against the wall and used a pencil to draw a line. Then, I measured it with a yard stick.   All this time, I thought I was 5' 8". NOT SO. I am 5' 6", which makes my BMI 40.3 as of today.   For some reason, that really bums me out. Not so much the higher BMI, but that I am actually shorter than I was in high school. I WAS 5' 8" then. I've shrunk.   Crap.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

Insurance

I keep reading posts on these boards about insurance, and the need to document the information I get from the insurance company. I guess I'll write it down here.   Thursday, 11-02-06, 6:30pm, I called the toll-free number on the back of my husband's UHC insurance card. After pushing a few buttons to get through to customer service, I talked with a man named LeLand. I asked him this question (straight from the paperwork supplied to me by Dr. Curry): "I am inquiring about my policy benefits on surgical weight loss. Is surgery for morbid obesity a covered benefit? In particular, I'm inquiring about lap-band surgery.” LeLand: "Yes, it is. Lap-band surgery is a covered benefit." Me: "May I please give you the code for this procedure and would you please check to see if this particular code is covered?" I gave him the code. LeLand: (After sighing and acting like I was a pest) "Yes, that code is a covered benefit." Me: "What information do you require before approving the surgery?" LeLand: "You have to have a BMI greater than 35." Me: "What else?" LeLand: "Ma'am, just have your doctor's office call our care coordinator and they will work out the details. This procedure IS covered by your husband's insurance policy." At that point I just thanked him and hung up because he acted like I was just a huge pest. What I SHOULD have done was stay on the phone and gotten all of the information from the paperwork Dr. Curry supplied to me. Now I'm scared that if I call the insurance company back, I'll "tip them off" that I want to have this surgery done, and they won't put me on the policy. My husband just enrolled me this past week, and I won't be effective until 01-01-07.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

I've got to get a grip...

I keep thinking, "What if Dr. Curry says that I'm not a candidate for this procedure? What if he won't let me get banded? What if I just keep getting fatter and fatter, until I end up bed-ridden?"   Yeesh. I've GOT to simmer down.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

And so it begins...

I made an appointment with Dr. Trace Curry in Cincinnati. I'll see him next Wednesday, November 8th, at 11:00am.   What impressed me so much about Dr. Curry so far - without ever having met him -- is that he answered an email I sent to him, and I found out later that he wasn't even in town when he answered it!   Wow. Talk about a doctor who has "checked his ego at the door"!!! I like him already.   Everything seems to be falling into place already. I'll be covered with good insurance starting January 1st -- and have found out already that they do cover this procedure -- and I have three weeks of vacation to use if I need it. I'm aware that Dr. Curry requires me to have a psychological exam, and I don't know whom to see for that, but I'm sure that he will recommend someone.   I'm excited.   And so my journey to being healthy begins.....
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
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