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My Journey through Lap-Band Land

Entries in this blog

 

Wow, I'm a witch this morning.......

As of this moment, it’s been 36 hours and 50 minutes since I smoked a cigarette.   And, as of this very second, I wish to God I had a cigarette to smoke.   That’s just the way I feel right now. I do know that this feeling will pass, however. It doesn’t help that I have a freakin’ headache the size of Texas right now, and that I had wild dreams that woke me up last night every hour, on the hour – thank YOU, nicotine patch.   I’m so damn grouchy, I can hardly stand myself. The kids are going with their Mom for Thanksgiving today. The only ones in the house will be me and the hubby. I pity the fool who gets in my way today. Honestly, I do. When I let the dog out this morning for her morning pee, I wanted to smoke so badly I was clenching my jaws. My molars hurt from clenching so hard.   And I may as well state for the record right now that I am NOT following any freakin’ liquid diet anymore until I get over these damn cravings for cigarettes. I don’t even have a surgery date, for God’s sake, so I’m not going to try to quit smoking AND quit eating (essentially) at the same time. I’m strong, but I ain’t THAT strong, honey.   Damn, I’m grouchy.   I can’t wait until tomorrow night at 7:00pm. That hour will mark 72 hours since I had a cigarette – notice, I didn’t say, “…since I had my LAST cigarette…” – remember, I’m keeping my options open this time – that’s what’s gonna make this quit different than the last one.   ANYWAY…….where was I? Oh, yeah. Friday – tomorrow night – at 7:00pm will mark 72 hours since I had a cigarette. They say that the first 72 hours are the worst for cigarette cravings (whoever the Hell THEY are….who makes up this shit?). So, I’m guessing that about 8:00pm tomorrow night I’ll be in a MUCH better mood.   I’d better be because, like I said, I’m so caustic just now I can hardly stand my own self.   Better get the stupid turkey out and see if it’s thawed enough to cook it. It’s now been precisely 37 hours since I’ve smoked a cigarette.   Yee Haw . Damn cigarette cravings.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

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WOO HOO!!

Thirty-six days smoke-free here, people.   That's 36 -- T-H-I-R-T-Y - S-I-X days.   36 days, 22 hours, 28 minutes and 8 seconds smoke-free. 739 cigarettes not smoked. I've saved $149.85. And 5 days, 15 hours of my life saved.   Can I get a HIGH FIVE HERE?
Bullwinkle

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What a difference a shrink makes....

Wow. Dr. Sampang RULES. She is simply incredible, and FULL of energy! I absolutely loved meeting with her, and she indicates so far that I am an EXCELLENT candidate for this surgery!! I just have to finish completing a packet concerning my beliefs about food, hunger, and weight, fax it to her, and then call on Wednsday -- tomorrow -- to have the insurance coordinator submit everything to insurance!   I am HYPED.   Also, I went on a job interview today and would love to get that job. Although I am comfortable here where I work now -- and I would miss my co-workers terribly -- I must go where there is a future for me, a rate of pay I deserve, and benefits I need.
Bullwinkle

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Well, Hell....

Out of curiosity sake, I just measured my height here at work. Barefoot, I put my back against the wall and used a pencil to draw a line. Then, I measured it with a yard stick.   All this time, I thought I was 5' 8". NOT SO. I am 5' 6", which makes my BMI 40.3 as of today.   For some reason, that really bums me out. Not so much the higher BMI, but that I am actually shorter than I was in high school. I WAS 5' 8" then. I've shrunk.   Crap.
Bullwinkle

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Today is the day!

I have an appointment to see Dr. Curry this morning at 11:00am. I am excited, yet nervous. Last night I dreamed that he told me that I wasn't a good candidate for a lap band, and told me to go home and lose weight the "old fashioned" way.   Well, THAT way hasn't worked for me at all. I've been fat ever since I can remember. My parents and three siblings were never fat, but I was. Mom started taking me to Weight Watcher's meetings when I was 8 years old. She gave me Ayds to chew on, helped me count calories, signed me up for gymnastics and dancing lessons in the hope I'd burn more calories and lose weight, threatened and cajoled me into losing weight, bought my sister new clothes but not me, in the hopes that I'd "straighten up" and lose weight, punished me other various ways because I wouldn't lose weight, had me on various liquid diets, including the Cambridge Diet, took me to a hypnotist for subliminal weight-loss messages, and paid for me to go to Diet Center.   In my adult life I continued to life with family put-downs because of my weight and I finally topped out at 352 pounds. I stopped eating on July 1, 1998 and in 23 months I lost over 150 pounds. But that's only because I was eating about two cups of food a day, and mostly protein. Since that time I've tried to stay to two cups of food a day, but I cannot. I've steadily gained weight (big surprise) and am now back up to 247 pounds. At this rate, before the end of 2007, I'll be right back up over 300 pounds.   I've calculated that I've lost and gained close to 200 pounds over and over again in my lifetime, and I'M SICK TO DEATH OF THIS STUPID HAMSTER WHEEL I'M ON!!!!!!!!   Please, Dr. Curry............you're my last hope!
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The initial consult went GREAT!

Well, I finally met with Dr. Curry and his staff today, and my husband and I left feeling secure and thoroughly impressed. First, Charity checked me in and made sure all of my paperwork was in order, and she collected the co-pay. My husband was being a smart aleck (per usual) and she threatened to beat him up for me. I knew I'd like the girl from that moment on. Next, we met with Erin, the Clinical Dietician. She weighed me (ugh!) and took my measurements (double ugh!), and then spoke with us in the exam room. She has a lap band herself, and it was comforting to know that someone with personal lap band experience was extoling its virtues to me. After Erin, we met Tracy. Tracy is the Insurance Coordinator and she really set my mind at ease about insurance. She told me that UHC is a very good insurance with which to work, and she forsees no problem with approval (so far). Lisa came in next, and she's the Nurse Practitioner. Wow. Again, she went over every aspect of my medical and physical history, and answered a lot of questions I had (although, when I left, I thought of several more). And last, but certainly not least, Dr. Curry came in and showed us a brief presentation about the pros and cons of having a lap band, and he told me that I am an ideal candidate for the procedure. Whew! So, I went to work and spent a few moments on the phone with my insurance company getting pre-authorization for a psychiatric review with an in-network psychiatrist -- one of the ones listed on the referral paper given to me by Dr. Curry's office. I'll have my psyc review on Friday, 11-17-06, and 9:00am. The wheels are in motion, and if everything goes as planned, I should be banded around the third week in January! WOO HOO!!!!!
Bullwinkle

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The day is getting closer...

I weigh 287 this morning, so I've lost 6 pounds since starting the Medifast diet on Friday. Not too shabby. I go for my pre-surgery testing tomorrow.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

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The best laid plans.....

Well, Hell. I didn't get on the treadmill yesterday AT ALL, as I had planned. In fact, I just sat on my butt most of the day, watching TV. I only did two loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, washed dishes and put them away, baked some bread for the family, and that's pretty much it.   Wow. I'm a slug.   I also didn't follow the liquid diet I was planning to do yesterday. Oh, well. Today is another day, and as soon as I take my vitamins and enter some foods into FitDay, I'm going to get my butt off of this chair and work on my sewing and do some more laundry. As soon as the hubby wakes up, I'll ask him to help me unfold the treadmill so that I can use it. I bought some more soups last night, so I'll try the liquid diet again today.
Bullwinkle

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Second Pscyhe Evaluation Today

Well, I go see Dr. Sampang today at 1:30pm in Dr. C's office. I trust that this evaluation will go better than did the first. I am no longer irritable and "off balance" due to nicotine withdrawal, since today marks -- oh, I dunno. It's about 53 days or so being smoke-free. Huh. Imagine that. I don't even think about it much any more -- smoking, that is. I've lost track as to how many days I've been smoke-free. Next Sunday will be two months.   Anyhow......I go for my second psyche evaluation today and I can't wait to get things in motion and get banded. Wish me luck!
Bullwinkle

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Quitting smoking...

It’s 4:10am and I can’t sleep. I had my last cigarette last night at 7:03pm. I sit here at this computer just moments after washing my upper arm with soap and hot water, drying it thoroughly with a towel, and slapping a 21mg nicotine patch on my arm. I’m wanting a cigarette in a really bad way.   Now it’s 4:22am and I’m sitting here with my cup of coffee, still wanting a cigarette. I’m hoping like Hell that this nicotine patch kicks in and brings me sweet relief from craving a cigarette. I let the dog out for her morning pee and stopped abruptly, keenly aware that I wouldn’t be on the back deck, taking a drag on my morning cigarette. Then I went to the front door and looked out the window, hoping not to see frost on the car windows. Damn. SOLID frost – the kind you gotta scrape and scrape even after the car has been turned on and warming up in the driveway for fifteen minutes.   “If there’s no frost,” I told myself, “then that’s a sign that I can dash to the Shell gas station and get a pack of cigarettes.” But the frost is there in a big way, so there’ll be no trip to the Shell station.   But I already knew that before I looked out the window. Head games. That’s what’s going on now.   Damn. Now I feel my chest tightening, like I’m going to start wheezing – like it does when I have an asthma attack. I’m taking deep breaths. I realize what’s going on. I’ve been here before. This scene is all too familiar now. The last time I did this, I lasted four weeks to the day without a cigarette. I used the patch that time, too. The time before that I lasted two years without a cigarette, and I had done it cold turkey that time.   I don’t know how long this time will last, but I know that I’ve gotta try to quit. It’s funny how I said in my opening statement that I had my last cigarette last night. I don’t know if it will be my last. I know that it will be my last one for a while, however. I do know that.   This time will be different. I’m not going to announce to anyone, “I’m an ex-smoker. I quit smoking.” Because, I haven’t. Not yet. I’m not going to say, “I smoked my last cigarette November 21, 2006.” Because I don’t know at this juncture whether that was my last cigarette or not. I’m not going to say that I’ll never smoke again.   This time will be different because I’m not going to say any of those things. What I WILL say is this: “I’m not going to smoke a cigarette right now, but if I want to smoke one, I will.”   That way I haven’t closed my options. That way I will feel that I’m in control. That way I will feel that this is a choice – not an ultimatum. Me and ultimatums don’t do well. Just ask my ex-husband. He’d tell ya’. If someone – anyone – says to me, “You’ve got a choice; it’s either A or B.” Guess what? I’ll do C every time. I’m not takin’ your freakin’ choices. I’ll make my OWN, thank you.   So, if I wanna stop somewhere on the way to work and get a pack of smokes, I will. If I wanna dash out at lunch time and smoke after ripping this patch off of my arm, I will. If I wanna go scrape the car windows for 15 minutes and go to the store right now and get a pack, I will. See…..it’s MY choice.   And that’s what I hafta tell myself just now to get through this first day. It’s 4:46am and I’m still wanting a cigarette, but not as bad as I wanted one when I started typing this. I had my last drag nearly 10 hours ago and that’s pretty damn good for me. I like myself just about now.
Bullwinkle

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One Week Smoke-Free

If someone had told me a week ago that I wouldn’t be craving a cigarette first thing in the morning after not smoking for six days, I wouldn’t have believed them.   But, ‘tis true.   Yesterday made six days smoke-free for me. And yesterday morning, while drinking my coffee and taking my supplements, I did not want a cigarette. In fact, I can honestly say that I didn’t crave a cigarette at all yesterday.   Tonight at 7:00pm, I’ll officially be one week smoke-free, and I’m glad of it. However, I am cautious, too. Remember – I’ve been down this road before. Everything was hunky-dory until I hit the end of my fourth week. I’ll call it the Fourth Week Wall (FWW). Up to that time, I had lost all cigarette cravings, and I was feeling fine. Then I hit that FWW and I was depressed, crying, upset – and there wasn’t one damn thing I could do to stop it. I am NOT a high maintenance person, but I became such during that week. I loathed myself for what I had become. And to add insult to injury, the cigarette cravings returned, with a vengeance.   So, I started smoking again.   Now, THIS time I’m fortified for that FWW. After that last FWW episode, I went to my doctor and said, “Hey. This ain’t workin’ for me. You have GOT to tell me what in Hell’s the matter with me.” I ‘splained about the depression, et al, and that’s when he told me about the pleasure receptors in my brain just waiting to be filled by me taking a drag on a cigarette.   Oh. That made sense, because I instantly felt better with that very first cigarette.   So, that’s when he started me on Wellbutrin. He further ‘splained to me that it would take a few weeks – or even months – for it to build up in my system before I’d notice a difference.   He was right. I can tell a difference between this quit-smoking-attempt, and the last one. I’m pretty sure that’s why I am not having the cravings now.   But, we’ll see. We’ll see how I’m doing when I hit that Fourth Week Wall. Hopefully, not only will I make it to that wall, but I’ll be able to scale it and move on with life – smoke-free.   And now I hafta hit the treadmill for thirty minutes. I’ve gained about 10 pounds in one week of not smoking (you heard me correctly – that’s 10 – T-E-N – pounds). Holy Crap! If I continue to gain at this rate, by the time I hit that wall I won’t be able to lift my keister over it.
Bullwinkle

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Oh, the pain.........

Wow. It's been five whole days since I've posted here. That proves that something was/is amiss in my life.   It started last Tuesday night. I was laying in bed, on my back, flipping channels on the TV, praying for sleep to overcome me so that the pain would stop. My lower back was tight. You could have bounced a quarter off of it. The next day, the pain became worse, but it was bearable.   Wednesday night as I lay in bed again, waiting to fall asleep, I couldn't lie on my back because of the pain. Instead, I turned from side to side all night long because my sides started to have the same pain, too.   Thursday morning the pain in my lower back/top of my buttocks was nearly unbearable, but I knew I had to go to work anyway. It was month-end, and I had paperwork that HAD to get done.   By 9:00am that morning, I couldn't sit, stand, or walk without extreme pain. My threshold for pain is great, so I knew that something was very wrong. I called my doctor and got an appointment for 11:45am. I left work, drove home, and my husband helped me into the house. I couldn't even lift my own legs to walk without wincing and crying out in pain. He helped me into the van and drove me to the doctor. Once there, I creid the entire time I was trying to walk into the office. When the nurse called my name, I hobbled behind her, with my hubby at my elbow, helping me.   She said, "Step up on the scale."   I screamed, "You are KIDDING! RIGHT??!"   But I managed to get up there, not caring what the weight registered. I couldn't see the numbers through my tears, anyway.   The doc told me what I had already suspected: Sciatica. Wow. I've had sciatic pain before, but never like this. It was always either in one leg, or the other. This time is was BOTH, and radiating from the top of my buttocks downward.   Folks, I've been through four childbirths -- all vaginal births with long labors -- and two of them were without medication. Those were rough. Talk about weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth -- I experienced all of those for hours at a time.   But, lemme tell ya'. The pain I experienced for three days straight was worse than any of those childbirth experiences. Incredibly, I went back to work Thursday after filling the Rx's the doc gave me for Vicadin and some arthritis meds, and finished my month-end paperwork, then somehow managed to drive myself home. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to work Friday. I couldn't get any relief no matter what I did -- standing, sitting, laying on my side, on my back, on my stomach -- nothing relieved the pain at all.   By Friday at midnight, going into early Saturday morning, I was sitting at this computer looking up which hospitals were in my insurance network. I just knew that the hubby would hafta take me to an emergency room so that they could either 1) give me a muscle relaxer, 2) give me an epidural, or 3) put me into a coma.   Something had to be done to stop the pain.   Miraculously, by 12:30am on Saturday, the pain ebbed ever so slightly. But, it was enough that I knew I could stand the residual pain. By 3:00am Sunday morning, the pain was back and I found myself down in the living room, trying to curl up in the Lazy Boy, on the floor, on the couch, on the hard kitchen floor -- anything to rid myself of the stabbing, constant pain. By 5:30am, the pain ebbed again, but moreso this time.   By 10:00am, I could actually sit on the couch with minimal pain. By bedtime Saturday night, I could lay on my right side and hardly feel any pain. I slept until nearly 9:30am Sunday morning (something I NEVER do....I'm always up by 5:30am -- even on weekends), and awoke to minimal pain.   I went to work today, and my back is still sore. The spasms have stopped, however. There is still a little lingering pain radiating down my left leg, but this is a walk in the park contrasted to what I experienced over the weekend.   And through it all -- I'm still smoke-free. Tomorrow will mark my two-week anniversary.   I saw the shrink on Friday morning, despite being in pain. My lap band surgeon requires that I see one before surgery. For some reason, the guy wants to see me TWO MORE TIMES. Wuz up with that? So, I have appointments this week on Thursday and Friday mornings. I just emailed my surgeron and asked if he knew why, since he was the one who recommended that particular psychologist.   I guess I'll await his response.
Bullwinkle

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Not too shabby......

So, I didn't do TOO badly yesterday, eating-wise. I received a comment in my journal from a member who told me to eat something low carb if I had to eat solid food, and that's what I did.   I managed to avoid all sugar and flour yesterday. If I can do it one day, I can do it two days.   And that's what I'm shooting for today.   I think I'll go ahead and bid on the Medifast stuff I saw on ebay and give it a try since, indeed, it is the stuff I hafta use for 14 days prior to surgery. The dietician confirmed that to me in an email.
Bullwinkle

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Kinda cool...

Hey. I just realized something. I'm having surgery May 4th -- and that's six months TO THE DAY that I first called my surgeon to schedule an appointment about getting a lap band.   Seems like it was meant to be, or something...
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

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Just suck it up and go on...

I watched a documentary last night on The History Channel about the history of tobacco and its uses. It wasn’t a biased program – anti-smoking Nazi’s, et al – rather, it was truly about the history of tobacco – from the growing of it originally in the Americas by Native Americans for various needs, to the distribution of it across the world, thanks to the Europeans who had the means to ship it back to the mother country and beyond – for personal use as well as financial gain. The hour-long show detailed all kinds of tobacco use – cigars, cigarettes, pipe tobacco, snuff, moist tobacco, and chewing tobacco.   As I sat there and watched, I waited for the anti-smoking rhetoric to being. But it never did. Instead, facts were laid out very matter-of-factly. I debated at first whether to even watch the show, given my state of mind. Yesterday was a bad day for me, as far as nicotine cravings go. It was my fourth day smoke-free, and it was the worst day thus far. The documentary showed frequent images of people smoking cigarettes. I wondered how that would affect me. Would I crave one all the more? I nearly changed the station, but changed my mind. I continued to watch.   And I’m so glad that I did.   Today’s blend of cigarette is not comprised solely of tobacco. It’s only half tobacco – and that half is laced with enticing food flavorings such as chocolate and sugar, to mellow the original tobacco into a pleasing form. The other fifty percent of a cigarette is made up of “recon” – tobacco product remnants swept from the tobacco factory floors, mingled with cigarettes sent back to the factory because their shelf life has expired.   And then there’s the chemicals.   Aside from the few I knew of – tar, ammonia, acetone, and carbon monoxide – I was surprised to find the myriad more: arsenic (rat poison), styrene (think of the things that Big Macs used to be packaged in – those Styrofoam containers), lead, methanol (rocket fuel!), and the one that REALLY gave me the willies -- hydrogen cyanide. That’s the poison they use to kill the bad guys in the gas chambers, folks.   Holy crap! I’m a real hypocrite, yanno? I mean, for the past several years I’ve taken great pains to record what I eat – down to the most miniscule ingredient – recording those findings into FitDay, counting calories and carbohydrates, making sure that I don’t ingest sugar, and thinking very well of myself for doing all of that.   Yet, I ingested arsenic and cyanide on an hourly basis for years. What the Hell was I thinking? How could I think that that was an okay thing to do?   Well, I didn’t think it was okay. In fact, I knew that it wasn’t okay. What had me hooked was the nicotine. In fact, the documentary last night reinforced what my doctor had been telling me since last year. Smoking brings pleasure because it affects the pleasure centers of the brain. What he DIDN’T tell me – and what I found out last night – was that the more I smoked, the more nicotine/pleasure receptors developed in my brain, waiting to be fed, so the more I smoked, the more of those thingies popped up, waiting to be fed, the more I smoked…….   You get the drift. It’s a vicious cycle. Much like overeating. The more you eat, the more you are ABLE to eat, because the more fat cells your body produce, waiting to be filled, the more you eat, yadda, yadda, yadda.   So, I’m a double threat. I’ve been fat since I was a little child, so I have all of these fat cells waiting to be filled. They’ve been filled and then unfilled through weight loss more times than I’m willing to admit. And now that I’ve smoked all of these years, I have all of these nicotine receptors waiting to be filled in my brain.   Holy Jesus weepin’ on the cross. What a fool I’ve been all of these years. I’m gonna quit whining and complaining that I’m craving a cigarette and just suck it up. I did this to myself, so I can just undo it. These cravings will stop eventually – possibly days – possibly months or even years – but, so the Hell what? I can’t go back to mistreating my body. I only have one, and I don’t get another shot at this.   I’ll think about that today when the cravings hit.
Bullwinkle

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January 1st needs to come soon...

This past weekend was not good regarding food choices.   'Nuff said.   The past few days I've toyed with questions such as, "Do I really wanna do this?" "Have I researched this enough?" "Will I have complications"   Stuff like that. Just any old excuse, I suppose, NOT to be banded.   Then I think about what transpired this past weekend. If I were banded, I wouldn't be sitting here feeling guilty right now, because I wouldn't have been able to stuff my pie hole the way I did.   I gotta get a grip.   I'll be covered insurance-wise for this procedure on January 1st. It can't come soon enough.
Bullwinkle

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Insurance

I keep reading posts on these boards about insurance, and the need to document the information I get from the insurance company. I guess I'll write it down here.   Thursday, 11-02-06, 6:30pm, I called the toll-free number on the back of my husband's UHC insurance card. After pushing a few buttons to get through to customer service, I talked with a man named LeLand. I asked him this question (straight from the paperwork supplied to me by Dr. Curry): "I am inquiring about my policy benefits on surgical weight loss. Is surgery for morbid obesity a covered benefit? In particular, I'm inquiring about lap-band surgery.” LeLand: "Yes, it is. Lap-band surgery is a covered benefit." Me: "May I please give you the code for this procedure and would you please check to see if this particular code is covered?" I gave him the code. LeLand: (After sighing and acting like I was a pest) "Yes, that code is a covered benefit." Me: "What information do you require before approving the surgery?" LeLand: "You have to have a BMI greater than 35." Me: "What else?" LeLand: "Ma'am, just have your doctor's office call our care coordinator and they will work out the details. This procedure IS covered by your husband's insurance policy." At that point I just thanked him and hung up because he acted like I was just a huge pest. What I SHOULD have done was stay on the phone and gotten all of the information from the paperwork Dr. Curry supplied to me. Now I'm scared that if I call the insurance company back, I'll "tip them off" that I want to have this surgery done, and they won't put me on the policy. My husband just enrolled me this past week, and I won't be effective until 01-01-07.
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Impatient

It's been nearly two weeks since everything was submitted to insurance, and still haven't heard anything about approval or denial.
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I've turned the corner...

I hate to sound like a broken record with talking about me NOT smoking but, hey......this is MY journal, and I can say what I wanna say, eh?   Last Sunday, December 24th -- Christmas Eve -- was the roughest day so far in my quit. It was day 32 of being smoke-free, and thought it would be my last smoke-free day.   I was experiencing all of the classic syptoms of nicotine withdrawal: temper tantrums, instense needs, feelings of dependency, insomnia, mental confusion, vagueness, irritability, anxiety, negative emotions, and depression.   Who had I turned into? This wasn't the REAL me. I was putting my family through Hell! Worse than that, I KNEW how I was acting, and I felt helpless to stop myself from doing so. I was out of control.   I told my husband that night that I was at a cross roads; something had to give, one way or another. I would either continue to live in that Hell, or I would light up a cigarette, go back to smoking, and be the happy person I once was.   Being the wonderful, supportive individual he is, my husband said, "Just tough it out for the rest of today. If you feel the same way in the morning, go ahead and smoke."   Christmas morning came. I got up and got my coffee. I came upstairs to the computer to look at these message boards.   But........wait.........something was different.   I no longer had that spacey, empty, on-edge feeling I had had for 32 days straight. I took a deep breath and concentrated on how I was feeling at that moment. "Hey," I thought. "That's not half bad! I feel......wonderful!"   It happened for me, folks. I've read about people quitting smoking, and have found that most people hit a plateau to where they either sink or swim. I got to the top of that mountain, hung on, and went to the other side.   And that's where I am now! I MADE IT!!! I am no longer in withdrawal. I am back to my old happy-go-lucky, cheerful, happy self!! I wanna shout it from the top of that mountain, I MADE IT!!!   Today makes 37 days smoke-free, and I've turned a corner in this journey. I know now that I WILL be an ex-smoker for life!
Bullwinkle

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I've got to get a grip...

I keep thinking, "What if Dr. Curry says that I'm not a candidate for this procedure? What if he won't let me get banded? What if I just keep getting fatter and fatter, until I end up bed-ridden?"   Yeesh. I've GOT to simmer down.
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I'm mad as Hell...

Okay, so I took the tests the psychiatrist told me to take. You know the kind……you use a Number 2 Pencil and fill in the bubbles. Two different personality tests, et al. I called his office last week and left a voicemail, asking him to please fax the results to Dr. Curry’s office (my surgeon). He calls me back and tells me that he wants to discuss a few things with me.   Uh oh. Hmmm. Okay.   So I go into his office yesterday to discuss the results. He’s ‘troubled’ by some of my answers, and thinks I need to see him once a week for three months to work on some of my ‘issues’. This guy thinks I’m certifiable, and is going to tell my surgeon that I shouldn’t have the lap band procedure at this time.   What the Hell?   I guess that’s what I get for being completely honest in my answers. He went over those answers with me, and I gave him my explanations for giving those answers. Each time I gave him an explanation, he gave me the once-over and mumbled, “Uh HUH.” And then scribbled something on his note pad.   Sanctimonious, judgmental sonofabi-otch.   Here’s your explanations, buddy. The REASON I have nightmares each night is because I’m wearing a freakin’ nicotine patch. The nicotine patch is notorious for causing nightmares. Dr. Curry told me I hafta quit smoking, so I haven’t had a cigarette in 28 days now. The nicotine patch helps takes some of the edginess away.   The REASON I am anxious and edgy is because I haven’t had a cigarette in 28 days, after having smoked for over 20 years.   The REASON I experience "sweating for no reason" is because I am menopausal. They are called NIGHT SWEATS and HOT FLASHES, you moron.   The REASON I feel pain in the back of my neck is because I have a C5/C6 vertebrae problem. What the Hell else did YOU think it was?   The REASON I have a ringing in my right ear is because I had an inner ear infection with I took the freakin' test. It's not because "I hear things" or "I see dead people" type of situation. Get yer mind out of your ass.   The REASON I said that people talk about me is because, uh, HELLO, they DO. I walked in from the plant the other day at work to find my boss and a co-worker saying something about my pretty, red sweater. So, I answered your question honestly, you dolt. It's not because I'm paranoid or anything. My answer wasn't a NEGATIVE connotation. And I joined into that conversation with my peers about my sweater. What the Hell were YOU thinking???   The REASON I have dizzy spells is because of the aforementioned inner ear infection, causing a little vertigo. Why the Hell do you feel the need to read things into my HONEST answers?   The REASON I’m a little depressed at this time of year is because I don’t get to see my kids. Holy Crap. ANYONE would be a tad depressed because of missing family members at the holidays. Add to the equation that people trying to quit smoking experience depression and, voila, you have a patient, such as I, stating: “Yes, I experience depression.”   Stupid freakin’ “read everything negative you can about this woman and her answers” doctor (and I use the term ‘doctor’ loosely).   The REASON I nibble on food – even when I’m not hungry – is because I’m trying to find a substitute for sticking a damn cigarette into my mouth. You call it bingeing. I call it finding a substitute for a cigarette. It’s not bingeing, you idiot. Why the Hell do you think I want this surgery? People who nibble all night long after dinner NEED to be banded so that overeating will become physically impossible.   So, this unprepossessing fool holds the keys, as it were, to me having this lap band procedure. With one sweeping, generalization about me to Dr. Curry, he holds the power to either allow me to have this life-altering surgery, or to deny me the hope I’ve built upon for the past year that I’ve been researching this procedure.   Man, I want a cigarette. Bad. It’s seven o’clock in the freakin' morning, on Christmas Eve, and I’m thinking of hoofing it down to the local convenience store and getting a pack.   I emailed Dr. Curry when I got home yesterday from Doctor Whats-his-face, and told him just what I think of the so-and-so, and WHY I answered the way I did to some of those questions. With everything I’ve read about Dr. Curry – and from my assessment when I met him in person – he strikes me as genuinely interested in helping people like me who have tried and exhausted every other avenue to permanent weight loss.   Dr. Curry, if you read this, please give me the benefit of the doubt. I’m thinking of sending the link to this journal entry to you.   *sigh* I need a cigarette in a very bad way.   EDIT: Damn. I'm so upset I couldn't even count straight. My last cigarette was on November 21st, so today makes 33 days without a cigarette. Wow. I am wanting one in a bad way.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

3
 

I'm just torqued off today

I'm just in a really pissy mood today, dammit. Hell Week** started today, and I'm just ready to go off on anyone. Just gimme a reason.   Emailed the dietician today to ask if I could lose some weight without it affecting whether or not the freakin' insurance will cover my procedure. She said they'd take the weight and measurements they recorded for me when I was in the office the other day, and turn those into the insurance company. They damn well better, because I am going to try to give a liquid diet a fighting chance here starting this weekend, just to see how difficult it is, and I intend to lose weight between now and the surgery date. I don't care WHAT anyone else says...when my surgeon tells me that I hafta be on a liquid diet for 10 days before my procedure, I'm gonna By God be on that liquid diet.   The NOIVE of some people saying, "Just do what you want -- eat what you want -- but don't tell your doctor." Man, that just tears it. Holy Mother of God.....this is SURGERY, for God's sake. DO what the SURGEON says, not what you WANNA do. Nothing like breaking the freakin' rules before you're even banded. Makes me wonder what will happen to those people AFTER being banded if they can't follow the rules BEFOREhand.   I woke up at 3:00am this morning, and couldn't get back to sleep. Hubby was tossing and turning -- am CONVINCED the dolt has sleep apnea, but does he belive me? NOOOOOOOoooooooo -- so instead of laying there feeling the bed shaking every few moments because he's thrashing around like he's threshing wheat, I just said, "Oh, what the Hell," and got my arse outta the bed.   So, it's 3:45am and I've already had two cups of coffee, so I'm wide awake. I took the opportunity to search some message boards for a "routine" liquid diet menu that folks follow, but couldn't find one before I had to go to work.   It's now 9:08pm and I'm just dead to the world right now, so I think I'll give everyone in my life a break and go to bed, falling asleep to the sound of everyone heaving a huge sigh of relief.   Hey......I KNOW how I can be during Hell Week, and it ain't pretty. I pity the fool who gets in my way.   This, too, shall pass.   **Hell Week = the week before my period starts. All bets are off during that week. I am NOT my normal self, so don't expect anything normal outta me.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

I was approved.........

I received my approval and am scheduled for surgery May 4th.   This past Friday morning, I started the two-week pre-op diet, consiting solely of Medifast.   By Saturday night, I was ready to rip someone's head off.   I'm doing better, however, because after MUCH research I decided that it was okay for me to eat two lettuce leaves in the evening, with a very thin piece of turkey (Buddig).   While my surgeon has said NOTHING but Medifast, I realize what my body is capable of, and I'm doing this so that I CAN make it through these two weeks and still have shrunk the liver enough to have the surgery.   Friday morning I weighed 293.8, and this morning I weighed 288.   I am scared about adjusting my life around the band, but I know that I can do it. I just don't want to be at work and PB or have something stuck and then not being able to function.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

I have hope again.....

I haven't had a response to the email I sent to my surgeon, nor the messages I've sent online (on his website), but that's probably because of the holidays. He probably is trying to catch up on everything, just like I am here at work!   But I did call and speak with the office manager, and I have an appointment to see a different psychiatrist in my surgeon's office on 01-15-07.   I'm very glad of it. I have hope again that I can have this surgery.   I'm also very glad and VERY proud of the fact that I didn't cave and smoke a cigarette!!!! Today makes 35 days smoke-free, and I am feeling better today than I ever have since I've quit smoking.   Wow. I can actually say it now. I've QUIT SMOKING. After 22 years of smoking, I have quit!   I've also gained a lot of weight since I quit. Now that I'm feeling more like my old self -- instead of always being edgy and gritchy and irritable -- I'll be able to focus on losing these extra pounds I've gained.   Thank you, everyone, for your comments and support. It means a lot to me.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
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