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About this blog

My Journey through Lap-Band Land

Entries in this blog

 

Quitting smoking...

It’s 4:10am and I can’t sleep. I had my last cigarette last night at 7:03pm. I sit here at this computer just moments after washing my upper arm with soap and hot water, drying it thoroughly with a towel, and slapping a 21mg nicotine patch on my arm. I’m wanting a cigarette in a really bad way.   Now it’s 4:22am and I’m sitting here with my cup of coffee, still wanting a cigarette. I’m hoping like Hell that this nicotine patch kicks in and brings me sweet relief from craving a cigarette. I let the dog out for her morning pee and stopped abruptly, keenly aware that I wouldn’t be on the back deck, taking a drag on my morning cigarette. Then I went to the front door and looked out the window, hoping not to see frost on the car windows. Damn. SOLID frost – the kind you gotta scrape and scrape even after the car has been turned on and warming up in the driveway for fifteen minutes.   “If there’s no frost,” I told myself, “then that’s a sign that I can dash to the Shell gas station and get a pack of cigarettes.” But the frost is there in a big way, so there’ll be no trip to the Shell station.   But I already knew that before I looked out the window. Head games. That’s what’s going on now.   Damn. Now I feel my chest tightening, like I’m going to start wheezing – like it does when I have an asthma attack. I’m taking deep breaths. I realize what’s going on. I’ve been here before. This scene is all too familiar now. The last time I did this, I lasted four weeks to the day without a cigarette. I used the patch that time, too. The time before that I lasted two years without a cigarette, and I had done it cold turkey that time.   I don’t know how long this time will last, but I know that I’ve gotta try to quit. It’s funny how I said in my opening statement that I had my last cigarette last night. I don’t know if it will be my last. I know that it will be my last one for a while, however. I do know that.   This time will be different. I’m not going to announce to anyone, “I’m an ex-smoker. I quit smoking.” Because, I haven’t. Not yet. I’m not going to say, “I smoked my last cigarette November 21, 2006.” Because I don’t know at this juncture whether that was my last cigarette or not. I’m not going to say that I’ll never smoke again.   This time will be different because I’m not going to say any of those things. What I WILL say is this: “I’m not going to smoke a cigarette right now, but if I want to smoke one, I will.”   That way I haven’t closed my options. That way I will feel that I’m in control. That way I will feel that this is a choice – not an ultimatum. Me and ultimatums don’t do well. Just ask my ex-husband. He’d tell ya’. If someone – anyone – says to me, “You’ve got a choice; it’s either A or B.” Guess what? I’ll do C every time. I’m not takin’ your freakin’ choices. I’ll make my OWN, thank you.   So, if I wanna stop somewhere on the way to work and get a pack of smokes, I will. If I wanna dash out at lunch time and smoke after ripping this patch off of my arm, I will. If I wanna go scrape the car windows for 15 minutes and go to the store right now and get a pack, I will. See…..it’s MY choice.   And that’s what I hafta tell myself just now to get through this first day. It’s 4:46am and I’m still wanting a cigarette, but not as bad as I wanted one when I started typing this. I had my last drag nearly 10 hours ago and that’s pretty damn good for me. I like myself just about now.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

4
 

Confession time...

So, I get on the scale this morning -- for the first time since I quit smoking two days before Thanksgiving -- to see JUST how much weight I've gained.   I thought I would have a stroke after seeing that number staring back at me.   When I initially went to see Dr. Curry about being banded, I weighed in at 249.5 -- fully clothed, in heavy jeans and a sweater, with my shoes on. I was wearing a size 18W jeans.   This morning -- totally naked (very ugly) -- I weighed in at 271.3.   To quote Janice from Friends........OH.........MY.......GOD!!!!!   Today I ate totally low carb. Tomorrow I'll do the same, and from now on. I've got this "quitting smoking" thing totally under control now, so it's time to get with the program and lose this twenty-five-freakin' pounds I've gained BEFORE I get banded. I'm now wearing a size 24W jeans, and they are tight.   I can't wait to see the doctor for my psyche eval overwith and get banded.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

4
 

Second Pscyhe Evaluation Today

Well, I go see Dr. Sampang today at 1:30pm in Dr. C's office. I trust that this evaluation will go better than did the first. I am no longer irritable and "off balance" due to nicotine withdrawal, since today marks -- oh, I dunno. It's about 53 days or so being smoke-free. Huh. Imagine that. I don't even think about it much any more -- smoking, that is. I've lost track as to how many days I've been smoke-free. Next Sunday will be two months.   Anyhow......I go for my second psyche evaluation today and I can't wait to get things in motion and get banded. Wish me luck!
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

3
 

I was approved.........

I received my approval and am scheduled for surgery May 4th.   This past Friday morning, I started the two-week pre-op diet, consiting solely of Medifast.   By Saturday night, I was ready to rip someone's head off.   I'm doing better, however, because after MUCH research I decided that it was okay for me to eat two lettuce leaves in the evening, with a very thin piece of turkey (Buddig).   While my surgeon has said NOTHING but Medifast, I realize what my body is capable of, and I'm doing this so that I CAN make it through these two weeks and still have shrunk the liver enough to have the surgery.   Friday morning I weighed 293.8, and this morning I weighed 288.   I am scared about adjusting my life around the band, but I know that I can do it. I just don't want to be at work and PB or have something stuck and then not being able to function.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

I've turned the corner...

I hate to sound like a broken record with talking about me NOT smoking but, hey......this is MY journal, and I can say what I wanna say, eh?   Last Sunday, December 24th -- Christmas Eve -- was the roughest day so far in my quit. It was day 32 of being smoke-free, and thought it would be my last smoke-free day.   I was experiencing all of the classic syptoms of nicotine withdrawal: temper tantrums, instense needs, feelings of dependency, insomnia, mental confusion, vagueness, irritability, anxiety, negative emotions, and depression.   Who had I turned into? This wasn't the REAL me. I was putting my family through Hell! Worse than that, I KNEW how I was acting, and I felt helpless to stop myself from doing so. I was out of control.   I told my husband that night that I was at a cross roads; something had to give, one way or another. I would either continue to live in that Hell, or I would light up a cigarette, go back to smoking, and be the happy person I once was.   Being the wonderful, supportive individual he is, my husband said, "Just tough it out for the rest of today. If you feel the same way in the morning, go ahead and smoke."   Christmas morning came. I got up and got my coffee. I came upstairs to the computer to look at these message boards.   But........wait.........something was different.   I no longer had that spacey, empty, on-edge feeling I had had for 32 days straight. I took a deep breath and concentrated on how I was feeling at that moment. "Hey," I thought. "That's not half bad! I feel......wonderful!"   It happened for me, folks. I've read about people quitting smoking, and have found that most people hit a plateau to where they either sink or swim. I got to the top of that mountain, hung on, and went to the other side.   And that's where I am now! I MADE IT!!! I am no longer in withdrawal. I am back to my old happy-go-lucky, cheerful, happy self!! I wanna shout it from the top of that mountain, I MADE IT!!!   Today makes 37 days smoke-free, and I've turned a corner in this journey. I know now that I WILL be an ex-smoker for life!
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

4
 

What a difference a shrink makes....

Wow. Dr. Sampang RULES. She is simply incredible, and FULL of energy! I absolutely loved meeting with her, and she indicates so far that I am an EXCELLENT candidate for this surgery!! I just have to finish completing a packet concerning my beliefs about food, hunger, and weight, fax it to her, and then call on Wednsday -- tomorrow -- to have the insurance coordinator submit everything to insurance!   I am HYPED.   Also, I went on a job interview today and would love to get that job. Although I am comfortable here where I work now -- and I would miss my co-workers terribly -- I must go where there is a future for me, a rate of pay I deserve, and benefits I need.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

Cravings from outta nowhere....

It's now been 84.5 hours since having a cigarette. Yesterday and last night were surprisingly easy. I found that I didn't think about smoking very much at all. The dreaded 72-hour "sink or swim" mark came and went, and I didn't even make note of it. It was very smooth sailing.   This morning is a different tune altogether.   I woke up early this morning and lay in bed, wanting to get up because my back was killing me, but not wanting to get up because one of my first thoughts was of smoking a cigarette. Knowing I couldn't have one -- because there aren't any in the house -- I grudgingly tripped to the bathroom and ripped the used patch from my left arm, and turned on the tap, praying that the hot water would hurry upstairs from its basement home in the water heater. With hot water, soap, and washcloth readied, I washed and dried my right upper arm and, finding a spot that hadn’t been occupied before, palmed a patch there. Damn. I’m outta cloth tape. I use cloth tape to ensure the patch stays put in its 24-hour dock, and I’m out. *sigh* I hafta go to the store today anyway. I’ll make a note to pick some up.   Dressed, face washed, and arm all patched, I padded down the stairs to the kitchen, filled my 16-ounce Styrofoam cup with water, placed it directly into the middle of the glass microwave turntable, and set the time for 1 minute, 45 seconds. It was at that moment that I turned to let the dog out for her morning pee and the urge -- craving -- hit me. I wanted a cigarette and wanted one NOW!   What the HELL???? I’m past the magic 72-hour mark! The cravings are supposed to be gone, or at least manageable! Not fair! My body isn’t following the rules! Waaaaaa!!!   So, here I sit, journaling about this, taking deep breaths, drinking my coffee, wanting to kick the cat (if we had one), and nearly experiencing weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth.   All because of wanting a stupid, stinky cigarette.   Get a grip, girl. If I can't make it two weeks without a cigarette, what makes me think I'm gonna make it two weeks on the Medifast Diet my surgeon wants me to be on before surgery?
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

3
 

Got denied

*sigh*   I got denied. They said my BMI isn't high enough.   When I told the insurance coordinator at Dr. C's office that I've gained 32 pounds since they first saw me -- because I quit smoking -- she told me that my BMI is high enough now, and she'd resubmit the papers.   I hope they don't deny me again. I weigh 282 now. Wow. I'm depressed. Thinking of taking up smoking again. Why shouldn't I? At least I'll lose weight.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

3
 

Impatient

It's been nearly two weeks since everything was submitted to insurance, and still haven't heard anything about approval or denial.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

Down 11 pounds pre-op

I am down 11 pounds now and surgery is Friday morning. I've been using Medifast since last Friday. I'm getting more and more nervous about the surgery. Asking myself questions like, "Is this the right thing to do?" I wonder how many other people felt this way just before surgery.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

He just really pissed me off...

I got a guy fired today, and don't feel one bit bad about it.   He's a pain in the ass, and has been a thorn in my side for nearly a year now. He is (was) the receiving clerk at our company and treated the truck drivers like sub-standard human beings. He made several of them wait six-and-a-half hours yesterday before he'd load their trucks.   That was the straw that broke the camel's back.   I went out to that receiving dock this morning and told him to get his lazy, hair ass up outta that chair, and unload the truck that was sitting just outside the bay door. He called me a BEE-OTCH in that stupid gansta-rap jargon, and I just let 'im have it with both barrels.   I called the so-and-so everything but a milkcow, told him to unload that f'ing truck, called him a saw off SOB, and told him that if it's the last thing I do today, I'll make sure he's fired.   And, he is fired.   It's been a rough day. Someone hug me.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

5
 

The day is getting closer...

I weigh 287 this morning, so I've lost 6 pounds since starting the Medifast diet on Friday. Not too shabby. I go for my pre-surgery testing tomorrow.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

01-09-07

Weighed in at 269.8 this morning, so I've lost 1.5 pounds. Eating low carb helps, but my period also started, so I know I'm losing water weight there, too.   Gotta stop eating the Russel Stover's sugar-free candy, however. Those are NOT low carb. They also create offensive gas. Wow.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

Oh, the pain.........

Wow. It's been five whole days since I've posted here. That proves that something was/is amiss in my life.   It started last Tuesday night. I was laying in bed, on my back, flipping channels on the TV, praying for sleep to overcome me so that the pain would stop. My lower back was tight. You could have bounced a quarter off of it. The next day, the pain became worse, but it was bearable.   Wednesday night as I lay in bed again, waiting to fall asleep, I couldn't lie on my back because of the pain. Instead, I turned from side to side all night long because my sides started to have the same pain, too.   Thursday morning the pain in my lower back/top of my buttocks was nearly unbearable, but I knew I had to go to work anyway. It was month-end, and I had paperwork that HAD to get done.   By 9:00am that morning, I couldn't sit, stand, or walk without extreme pain. My threshold for pain is great, so I knew that something was very wrong. I called my doctor and got an appointment for 11:45am. I left work, drove home, and my husband helped me into the house. I couldn't even lift my own legs to walk without wincing and crying out in pain. He helped me into the van and drove me to the doctor. Once there, I creid the entire time I was trying to walk into the office. When the nurse called my name, I hobbled behind her, with my hubby at my elbow, helping me.   She said, "Step up on the scale."   I screamed, "You are KIDDING! RIGHT??!"   But I managed to get up there, not caring what the weight registered. I couldn't see the numbers through my tears, anyway.   The doc told me what I had already suspected: Sciatica. Wow. I've had sciatic pain before, but never like this. It was always either in one leg, or the other. This time is was BOTH, and radiating from the top of my buttocks downward.   Folks, I've been through four childbirths -- all vaginal births with long labors -- and two of them were without medication. Those were rough. Talk about weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth -- I experienced all of those for hours at a time.   But, lemme tell ya'. The pain I experienced for three days straight was worse than any of those childbirth experiences. Incredibly, I went back to work Thursday after filling the Rx's the doc gave me for Vicadin and some arthritis meds, and finished my month-end paperwork, then somehow managed to drive myself home. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to work Friday. I couldn't get any relief no matter what I did -- standing, sitting, laying on my side, on my back, on my stomach -- nothing relieved the pain at all.   By Friday at midnight, going into early Saturday morning, I was sitting at this computer looking up which hospitals were in my insurance network. I just knew that the hubby would hafta take me to an emergency room so that they could either 1) give me a muscle relaxer, 2) give me an epidural, or 3) put me into a coma.   Something had to be done to stop the pain.   Miraculously, by 12:30am on Saturday, the pain ebbed ever so slightly. But, it was enough that I knew I could stand the residual pain. By 3:00am Sunday morning, the pain was back and I found myself down in the living room, trying to curl up in the Lazy Boy, on the floor, on the couch, on the hard kitchen floor -- anything to rid myself of the stabbing, constant pain. By 5:30am, the pain ebbed again, but moreso this time.   By 10:00am, I could actually sit on the couch with minimal pain. By bedtime Saturday night, I could lay on my right side and hardly feel any pain. I slept until nearly 9:30am Sunday morning (something I NEVER do....I'm always up by 5:30am -- even on weekends), and awoke to minimal pain.   I went to work today, and my back is still sore. The spasms have stopped, however. There is still a little lingering pain radiating down my left leg, but this is a walk in the park contrasted to what I experienced over the weekend.   And through it all -- I'm still smoke-free. Tomorrow will mark my two-week anniversary.   I saw the shrink on Friday morning, despite being in pain. My lap band surgeon requires that I see one before surgery. For some reason, the guy wants to see me TWO MORE TIMES. Wuz up with that? So, I have appointments this week on Thursday and Friday mornings. I just emailed my surgeron and asked if he knew why, since he was the one who recommended that particular psychologist.   I guess I'll await his response.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

2
 

I'm mad as Hell...

Okay, so I took the tests the psychiatrist told me to take. You know the kind……you use a Number 2 Pencil and fill in the bubbles. Two different personality tests, et al. I called his office last week and left a voicemail, asking him to please fax the results to Dr. Curry’s office (my surgeon). He calls me back and tells me that he wants to discuss a few things with me.   Uh oh. Hmmm. Okay.   So I go into his office yesterday to discuss the results. He’s ‘troubled’ by some of my answers, and thinks I need to see him once a week for three months to work on some of my ‘issues’. This guy thinks I’m certifiable, and is going to tell my surgeon that I shouldn’t have the lap band procedure at this time.   What the Hell?   I guess that’s what I get for being completely honest in my answers. He went over those answers with me, and I gave him my explanations for giving those answers. Each time I gave him an explanation, he gave me the once-over and mumbled, “Uh HUH.” And then scribbled something on his note pad.   Sanctimonious, judgmental sonofabi-otch.   Here’s your explanations, buddy. The REASON I have nightmares each night is because I’m wearing a freakin’ nicotine patch. The nicotine patch is notorious for causing nightmares. Dr. Curry told me I hafta quit smoking, so I haven’t had a cigarette in 28 days now. The nicotine patch helps takes some of the edginess away.   The REASON I am anxious and edgy is because I haven’t had a cigarette in 28 days, after having smoked for over 20 years.   The REASON I experience "sweating for no reason" is because I am menopausal. They are called NIGHT SWEATS and HOT FLASHES, you moron.   The REASON I feel pain in the back of my neck is because I have a C5/C6 vertebrae problem. What the Hell else did YOU think it was?   The REASON I have a ringing in my right ear is because I had an inner ear infection with I took the freakin' test. It's not because "I hear things" or "I see dead people" type of situation. Get yer mind out of your ass.   The REASON I said that people talk about me is because, uh, HELLO, they DO. I walked in from the plant the other day at work to find my boss and a co-worker saying something about my pretty, red sweater. So, I answered your question honestly, you dolt. It's not because I'm paranoid or anything. My answer wasn't a NEGATIVE connotation. And I joined into that conversation with my peers about my sweater. What the Hell were YOU thinking???   The REASON I have dizzy spells is because of the aforementioned inner ear infection, causing a little vertigo. Why the Hell do you feel the need to read things into my HONEST answers?   The REASON I’m a little depressed at this time of year is because I don’t get to see my kids. Holy Crap. ANYONE would be a tad depressed because of missing family members at the holidays. Add to the equation that people trying to quit smoking experience depression and, voila, you have a patient, such as I, stating: “Yes, I experience depression.”   Stupid freakin’ “read everything negative you can about this woman and her answers” doctor (and I use the term ‘doctor’ loosely).   The REASON I nibble on food – even when I’m not hungry – is because I’m trying to find a substitute for sticking a damn cigarette into my mouth. You call it bingeing. I call it finding a substitute for a cigarette. It’s not bingeing, you idiot. Why the Hell do you think I want this surgery? People who nibble all night long after dinner NEED to be banded so that overeating will become physically impossible.   So, this unprepossessing fool holds the keys, as it were, to me having this lap band procedure. With one sweeping, generalization about me to Dr. Curry, he holds the power to either allow me to have this life-altering surgery, or to deny me the hope I’ve built upon for the past year that I’ve been researching this procedure.   Man, I want a cigarette. Bad. It’s seven o’clock in the freakin' morning, on Christmas Eve, and I’m thinking of hoofing it down to the local convenience store and getting a pack.   I emailed Dr. Curry when I got home yesterday from Doctor Whats-his-face, and told him just what I think of the so-and-so, and WHY I answered the way I did to some of those questions. With everything I’ve read about Dr. Curry – and from my assessment when I met him in person – he strikes me as genuinely interested in helping people like me who have tried and exhausted every other avenue to permanent weight loss.   Dr. Curry, if you read this, please give me the benefit of the doubt. I’m thinking of sending the link to this journal entry to you.   *sigh* I need a cigarette in a very bad way.   EDIT: Damn. I'm so upset I couldn't even count straight. My last cigarette was on November 21st, so today makes 33 days without a cigarette. Wow. I am wanting one in a bad way.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

3
 

January 1st needs to come soon...

This past weekend was not good regarding food choices.   'Nuff said.   The past few days I've toyed with questions such as, "Do I really wanna do this?" "Have I researched this enough?" "Will I have complications"   Stuff like that. Just any old excuse, I suppose, NOT to be banded.   Then I think about what transpired this past weekend. If I were banded, I wouldn't be sitting here feeling guilty right now, because I wouldn't have been able to stuff my pie hole the way I did.   I gotta get a grip.   I'll be covered insurance-wise for this procedure on January 1st. It can't come soon enough.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

One Week Smoke-Free

If someone had told me a week ago that I wouldn’t be craving a cigarette first thing in the morning after not smoking for six days, I wouldn’t have believed them.   But, ‘tis true.   Yesterday made six days smoke-free for me. And yesterday morning, while drinking my coffee and taking my supplements, I did not want a cigarette. In fact, I can honestly say that I didn’t crave a cigarette at all yesterday.   Tonight at 7:00pm, I’ll officially be one week smoke-free, and I’m glad of it. However, I am cautious, too. Remember – I’ve been down this road before. Everything was hunky-dory until I hit the end of my fourth week. I’ll call it the Fourth Week Wall (FWW). Up to that time, I had lost all cigarette cravings, and I was feeling fine. Then I hit that FWW and I was depressed, crying, upset – and there wasn’t one damn thing I could do to stop it. I am NOT a high maintenance person, but I became such during that week. I loathed myself for what I had become. And to add insult to injury, the cigarette cravings returned, with a vengeance.   So, I started smoking again.   Now, THIS time I’m fortified for that FWW. After that last FWW episode, I went to my doctor and said, “Hey. This ain’t workin’ for me. You have GOT to tell me what in Hell’s the matter with me.” I ‘splained about the depression, et al, and that’s when he told me about the pleasure receptors in my brain just waiting to be filled by me taking a drag on a cigarette.   Oh. That made sense, because I instantly felt better with that very first cigarette.   So, that’s when he started me on Wellbutrin. He further ‘splained to me that it would take a few weeks – or even months – for it to build up in my system before I’d notice a difference.   He was right. I can tell a difference between this quit-smoking-attempt, and the last one. I’m pretty sure that’s why I am not having the cravings now.   But, we’ll see. We’ll see how I’m doing when I hit that Fourth Week Wall. Hopefully, not only will I make it to that wall, but I’ll be able to scale it and move on with life – smoke-free.   And now I hafta hit the treadmill for thirty minutes. I’ve gained about 10 pounds in one week of not smoking (you heard me correctly – that’s 10 – T-E-N – pounds). Holy Crap! If I continue to gain at this rate, by the time I hit that wall I won’t be able to lift my keister over it.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

5
 

WOO HOO!!

Thirty-six days smoke-free here, people.   That's 36 -- T-H-I-R-T-Y - S-I-X days.   36 days, 22 hours, 28 minutes and 8 seconds smoke-free. 739 cigarettes not smoked. I've saved $149.85. And 5 days, 15 hours of my life saved.   Can I get a HIGH FIVE HERE?
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

2
 

The initial consult went GREAT!

Well, I finally met with Dr. Curry and his staff today, and my husband and I left feeling secure and thoroughly impressed. First, Charity checked me in and made sure all of my paperwork was in order, and she collected the co-pay. My husband was being a smart aleck (per usual) and she threatened to beat him up for me. I knew I'd like the girl from that moment on. Next, we met with Erin, the Clinical Dietician. She weighed me (ugh!) and took my measurements (double ugh!), and then spoke with us in the exam room. She has a lap band herself, and it was comforting to know that someone with personal lap band experience was extoling its virtues to me. After Erin, we met Tracy. Tracy is the Insurance Coordinator and she really set my mind at ease about insurance. She told me that UHC is a very good insurance with which to work, and she forsees no problem with approval (so far). Lisa came in next, and she's the Nurse Practitioner. Wow. Again, she went over every aspect of my medical and physical history, and answered a lot of questions I had (although, when I left, I thought of several more). And last, but certainly not least, Dr. Curry came in and showed us a brief presentation about the pros and cons of having a lap band, and he told me that I am an ideal candidate for the procedure. Whew! So, I went to work and spent a few moments on the phone with my insurance company getting pre-authorization for a psychiatric review with an in-network psychiatrist -- one of the ones listed on the referral paper given to me by Dr. Curry's office. I'll have my psyc review on Friday, 11-17-06, and 9:00am. The wheels are in motion, and if everything goes as planned, I should be banded around the third week in January! WOO HOO!!!!!
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

Just suck it up and go on...

I watched a documentary last night on The History Channel about the history of tobacco and its uses. It wasn’t a biased program – anti-smoking Nazi’s, et al – rather, it was truly about the history of tobacco – from the growing of it originally in the Americas by Native Americans for various needs, to the distribution of it across the world, thanks to the Europeans who had the means to ship it back to the mother country and beyond – for personal use as well as financial gain. The hour-long show detailed all kinds of tobacco use – cigars, cigarettes, pipe tobacco, snuff, moist tobacco, and chewing tobacco.   As I sat there and watched, I waited for the anti-smoking rhetoric to being. But it never did. Instead, facts were laid out very matter-of-factly. I debated at first whether to even watch the show, given my state of mind. Yesterday was a bad day for me, as far as nicotine cravings go. It was my fourth day smoke-free, and it was the worst day thus far. The documentary showed frequent images of people smoking cigarettes. I wondered how that would affect me. Would I crave one all the more? I nearly changed the station, but changed my mind. I continued to watch.   And I’m so glad that I did.   Today’s blend of cigarette is not comprised solely of tobacco. It’s only half tobacco – and that half is laced with enticing food flavorings such as chocolate and sugar, to mellow the original tobacco into a pleasing form. The other fifty percent of a cigarette is made up of “recon” – tobacco product remnants swept from the tobacco factory floors, mingled with cigarettes sent back to the factory because their shelf life has expired.   And then there’s the chemicals.   Aside from the few I knew of – tar, ammonia, acetone, and carbon monoxide – I was surprised to find the myriad more: arsenic (rat poison), styrene (think of the things that Big Macs used to be packaged in – those Styrofoam containers), lead, methanol (rocket fuel!), and the one that REALLY gave me the willies -- hydrogen cyanide. That’s the poison they use to kill the bad guys in the gas chambers, folks.   Holy crap! I’m a real hypocrite, yanno? I mean, for the past several years I’ve taken great pains to record what I eat – down to the most miniscule ingredient – recording those findings into FitDay, counting calories and carbohydrates, making sure that I don’t ingest sugar, and thinking very well of myself for doing all of that.   Yet, I ingested arsenic and cyanide on an hourly basis for years. What the Hell was I thinking? How could I think that that was an okay thing to do?   Well, I didn’t think it was okay. In fact, I knew that it wasn’t okay. What had me hooked was the nicotine. In fact, the documentary last night reinforced what my doctor had been telling me since last year. Smoking brings pleasure because it affects the pleasure centers of the brain. What he DIDN’T tell me – and what I found out last night – was that the more I smoked, the more nicotine/pleasure receptors developed in my brain, waiting to be fed, so the more I smoked, the more of those thingies popped up, waiting to be fed, the more I smoked…….   You get the drift. It’s a vicious cycle. Much like overeating. The more you eat, the more you are ABLE to eat, because the more fat cells your body produce, waiting to be filled, the more you eat, yadda, yadda, yadda.   So, I’m a double threat. I’ve been fat since I was a little child, so I have all of these fat cells waiting to be filled. They’ve been filled and then unfilled through weight loss more times than I’m willing to admit. And now that I’ve smoked all of these years, I have all of these nicotine receptors waiting to be filled in my brain.   Holy Jesus weepin’ on the cross. What a fool I’ve been all of these years. I’m gonna quit whining and complaining that I’m craving a cigarette and just suck it up. I did this to myself, so I can just undo it. These cravings will stop eventually – possibly days – possibly months or even years – but, so the Hell what? I can’t go back to mistreating my body. I only have one, and I don’t get another shot at this.   I’ll think about that today when the cravings hit.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

3
 

And so it begins...

I made an appointment with Dr. Trace Curry in Cincinnati. I'll see him next Wednesday, November 8th, at 11:00am.   What impressed me so much about Dr. Curry so far - without ever having met him -- is that he answered an email I sent to him, and I found out later that he wasn't even in town when he answered it!   Wow. Talk about a doctor who has "checked his ego at the door"!!! I like him already.   Everything seems to be falling into place already. I'll be covered with good insurance starting January 1st -- and have found out already that they do cover this procedure -- and I have three weeks of vacation to use if I need it. I'm aware that Dr. Curry requires me to have a psychological exam, and I don't know whom to see for that, but I'm sure that he will recommend someone.   I'm excited.   And so my journey to being healthy begins.....
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

Today is the day!

I have an appointment to see Dr. Curry this morning at 11:00am. I am excited, yet nervous. Last night I dreamed that he told me that I wasn't a good candidate for a lap band, and told me to go home and lose weight the "old fashioned" way.   Well, THAT way hasn't worked for me at all. I've been fat ever since I can remember. My parents and three siblings were never fat, but I was. Mom started taking me to Weight Watcher's meetings when I was 8 years old. She gave me Ayds to chew on, helped me count calories, signed me up for gymnastics and dancing lessons in the hope I'd burn more calories and lose weight, threatened and cajoled me into losing weight, bought my sister new clothes but not me, in the hopes that I'd "straighten up" and lose weight, punished me other various ways because I wouldn't lose weight, had me on various liquid diets, including the Cambridge Diet, took me to a hypnotist for subliminal weight-loss messages, and paid for me to go to Diet Center.   In my adult life I continued to life with family put-downs because of my weight and I finally topped out at 352 pounds. I stopped eating on July 1, 1998 and in 23 months I lost over 150 pounds. But that's only because I was eating about two cups of food a day, and mostly protein. Since that time I've tried to stay to two cups of food a day, but I cannot. I've steadily gained weight (big surprise) and am now back up to 247 pounds. At this rate, before the end of 2007, I'll be right back up over 300 pounds.   I've calculated that I've lost and gained close to 200 pounds over and over again in my lifetime, and I'M SICK TO DEATH OF THIS STUPID HAMSTER WHEEL I'M ON!!!!!!!!   Please, Dr. Curry............you're my last hope!
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

I have hope again.....

I haven't had a response to the email I sent to my surgeon, nor the messages I've sent online (on his website), but that's probably because of the holidays. He probably is trying to catch up on everything, just like I am here at work!   But I did call and speak with the office manager, and I have an appointment to see a different psychiatrist in my surgeon's office on 01-15-07.   I'm very glad of it. I have hope again that I can have this surgery.   I'm also very glad and VERY proud of the fact that I didn't cave and smoke a cigarette!!!! Today makes 35 days smoke-free, and I am feeling better today than I ever have since I've quit smoking.   Wow. I can actually say it now. I've QUIT SMOKING. After 22 years of smoking, I have quit!   I've also gained a lot of weight since I quit. Now that I'm feeling more like my old self -- instead of always being edgy and gritchy and irritable -- I'll be able to focus on losing these extra pounds I've gained.   Thank you, everyone, for your comments and support. It means a lot to me.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

1
 

Eleven more days...

I contacted the surgeon's office the other day, wanting to get the ball rolling, and was told that they are awaiting the results from my psyche exam.   Called that doctor and he said to come see him to discuss the results, and then he'd fax them to my band doctor.   So, I have an appointment tomorrow at 2:00pm to see him.   I received my new insurance card in the mail, and I am effective 01-01-07. As soon as I pay the $300 program fee, and they have the psyche results, they'll submit me to insurance on 01-02-07. That's only 11 days from now!   Can't wait!   And it's been tough, but today makes 4 weeks and 3 days smoke-free. Yay!
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

2
 

Not too shabby......

So, I didn't do TOO badly yesterday, eating-wise. I received a comment in my journal from a member who told me to eat something low carb if I had to eat solid food, and that's what I did.   I managed to avoid all sugar and flour yesterday. If I can do it one day, I can do it two days.   And that's what I'm shooting for today.   I think I'll go ahead and bid on the Medifast stuff I saw on ebay and give it a try since, indeed, it is the stuff I hafta use for 14 days prior to surgery. The dietician confirmed that to me in an email.
Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle

2
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