Too much information might be the problem in my case. I have researched and researched (forums, medical blogs, news, etc) till I have almost talked myself out of any surgery.
I think I am fairly intelligent, and capable of fully understanding that any surgery comes with risk.... but, after reading about port flips, many, many slips, tubing wrapping around intestines, the Band attaching to organs, countless infections and tons of people going for Band to Sleeve revision - and more. Ugh.
I was hoping this was my thing. I have studied it for years. Knowing countless friends to have RNY and Band with wonderful results - only to find out that they secretly had issues. Why didn't they mention it? Why didn't I notice?
I am really disappointed. I feel like it was my duty to do adequate research but now my Band buddies accuse me of digging too deep; they seem to be disgusted with my interest in finding out as much as I can. One even got upset when I showed her a picture of what the stomach looks like when the Band is removed (not gross, just dead-looking white/grey tissue where the Band was, surrounded by healthy pink stomach tissue). She said it upset her.
I am sorry but I have never been big on the whole "Ignorance is Bliss" bull.
So here I sit, wondering if I should proceed with my WLS journey or continue to fight this losing battle on my own ..... and since when is too much information a bad thing?
Sounds crazy right? Somewhere in my mind, I thought I was normal / average sized. Ok, except the days when I saw someone starring in mirror back at me and she was 400lbs heavier than I really am... total body dismorphia. I have friends that were the same size and told me how well I "hold my weight"?!? That led to not worrying about little gains here and there. Then one day, my 4y/o daughter told me "When I grow up I want to be pretty like you mommy... just not fat". Ohhh dagger through the heart... My 4 y/o knew what I denied myself to believe. I was a fatty. Is there a 12 step program for admitting this?!?!
*Shouts to the world* I AM A FATTY, I ADMIT IT! Sadly, the world shouts back "We already knew that; what mirror were you looking in this whole time?"
I refused to let anyone take my picture. I know how to hold the camera at the right angle and use the right lighting to make my FaceBook pictures look ever so slim and sleek. I was only hiding it from myself. Everyone that knows me, knew how I looked in person. So between the ups and downs of body dismorphia, I have imagined myself to be a slvet size 12 to a size 6XL +++. My mind was playing tricks on me and the hardest part was admitting my real size (18 btw). I still had my skinny mind set, but I was living in my fat body - I just couldn't admit it.
So here I am. I am admitting to myself that I have a problem. I am fat. I let myself get this way from years of overeating and no exercise. Would you believe I was a Soldier? Would you believe that was 6 years ago? I won't tell people because I know their reaction. They look me up and down and say something along the lines of, "Oh, I wouldn't have pictured you as the soldier type". Dagger.
Yes, I beat myself up a lot. I can't help it. I was running 4 miles a day with 75 lb ruck. I was fit and happy. I lost myself. I lost the admiration of my hubby. My ex-Army buddies think I am a total loser. And now... my beautiful little girl sees mommy as a big fat wad. *tears*
/end pitty party for one
After a recent visit to my PCP to ask for a diet aide / drug, he prescribed me Wellbutrin. He said even if I were to get WLS that the Wellbutrin would help in pre-approval and pre-op phase. Just curious if this is normal? The pre-op diet seems pretty strict so why would I need to add a drug?!?! Maybe he is hoping that I will be happy with the results of the drug and forget about the surgery?!?! (BTW I wasn't depressed... just not happy with my weight - does that equal depression??) Hmmm.
I have been on this WLS journey for a long time. My best friend had it in 1997 and ever since then, I have wanted it, tried to get approved and educated myself about WLS. During that time I joined the Army and they gave my Butt Kick - errr - Boot Camp WLS. Needless to say exercising 6 hours a day led to extreme weight loss. Shortly after I got out of the Army (4 long skinny years later) I found myself fat again. Old habits die hard. Sad face. Today I am educating myself more than I have ever done because I am going through the WLS approval phase [again]. I want to make the best choices and do things right. I do not want to mess up and fall back into my old ways. I know WLS is not a cure but I need it as a tool to help me make better decisions.
Anthem uses www.lapbandoflouisville.com surgeons for WLS. This is good and bad. Good because that is all they do, Lap Band. No other focus or specialty. Bad because it is a 45 min drive into the city for each visit. I will go to my briefing on March 1 and LBoL said they will do the leg work through Anthem. I mentioned before that this is completely different than how Kaiser did things. But I am stressed out enough and if LBoL can do most of the leg work for me, well I am happier than a pig in mudd.
Concerns -
What if I fail again? I am scared, no lie there. I know my willpower is non-exsistent. This is a No-Go with WLS. I cannot depend on WLS to do everything for me. I need to take responsibility and that is hard!
What about my Thyroid disease? I have heard of people with Hypothyroidism getting ood results with the LapBand but I have a hard time believing it. I need PROOF! How is it that restricting my food will kickstart my thyroid into working again? Scared. Very scared.
In the closet - No, I'm not gay but my surgery (or desire to have surgery) is in the closet to most everyone. I have 2 dear friends, 1 post op and 1 pre op that are my cheerleaders. They are amazing and they motivate me to push for approval. I am tired of disappointment and worried about failure. Both for myself and anyone that knows my desires to get approved.
Enough for now. I will update again soon.
BTW I am thinking of trying the POST OP DIET for a couple days to see if I can really stick to it. I need to build my willpower back up! Wish me luck.
(X posted from my OH.com journal)
I finally told my mom and my hubby. I was more worried about telling my hubby b/c he constantly harps on my friends that have had any type of WLS. He considers it the easy way out - then again, he doesn't drink soda for a day and loses 5 lbs. How could he possibly understand, right?!?! Ok, I got the truth off my chest and I feel better. My mom works in medical coding and she gave me some good advice - much needed and appreciated. Hubby - well he is what he is... he said I will support it if that's what you want. Hello? I have only been trying for 3 yrs to get this approved?!?! Ya think this isn't what I want? Hmm..
On a different note - I am reading a lot of people saying they can't get insurance post banding - OMG. Really? This is not good news to a pre bander. What if I lose my job or my insurance, switch jobs or insurance... oh so many questions!! If you have info please let me know.
<3 Heather
So here I am, on my way for approval of LB and I find out my insurance covers VSG. I was worried that I would have issues with my LB - slip, erosion, port flip etc. VSG may be a good option for me since it has less complications than traditional RNY and no fills/slips/flips/ etc like LB. (Of course I know there are more serious risk like leakage from the sleeve, but no foreign objects in me?!?!)
The bad part is that i would need to change bariatric groups because I picked a group that only does LB. A local group (BlueGrass Bariatric Group) does the all of the procedures but they charge a program fee where as Louisville Surgical does not have a fee. Either way, I am going to both seminars - one for each Dr - to see which surgery fits me best and which group I like better.
Both groups are Center of Excellence, board certified surgeons.
Any tips when shopping for a bariatric group?
My coordinator said she should have the approval from my insurance early next week. I suppose I am worried about if it will even be approved. I have been up and down this road a few times... never to pass the approval point. Now I concern myself with other worries.. insurance and weight.
Insurance - just reading post about people not being covered by a new insurance if they have had any type of WLS.... scary.
Weight - I tried the pre op diet to see if I could stick to it and now I lost weight putting my BMI too low. I stopped when I noticed that I was dropping weight but I haven't gained it back yet. I am sitting at 38.8 BMI and need 40 - OUCH! That means I need to gain 8 lbs to be back to my initial BMI. --(Maybe it was water weight?!?!)
I hope to hear from the coordinator soon... fingers crossed.
