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Randomness of everyday life

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Lapband: The Gateway Drug

My life is caos. I can only influence what happens in my life, but I cannot control it. The only thing I feel like I can control is what goes into my mouth. Before lapband, my control issues with food was eating as much as humanly possible. If I saw food I ate it. Food didn't make me happy, but it numbed me. It took away the stress, anxiety, anger, frustration, etc. By having the band I figured that it would help me lose weight (and it did). The only thing it didn't do is take away my issues with food.   I can control food. I can control how much I stuff into my mouth (binge) and I can decide to not eat at all (starve). I can control my weight. I can control how many inches I've lost and how much/little I eat. I have so much power when it comes to food. I'm constantly trying to balance on the tight rope of disaster. I have no safety net. If I lean too much on the side of not eating I could easily fall to my death toward anorexia. If I lean too much on the side of binging then I could (yet again) easily fall to my death toward heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. Yet, if I can keep my balance and stay focused, I can reach the other side. I can be lean and healthy. I could have the opportunity of living a long life. I just have to keep my balance.   This self-discovery is devistating yet enlightening. It is important to constantly self-assess your mind. To be in denial is self-destructive. Never lie to yourself. Constantly work on yourself. We are all under construction, not just our bodies but also our minds. I'm working on myself. I still have alot of work to do and there is always room for improvement. I strive for perfection, yet I know it is unattainable. I must remind myself to shoot for the stars and feel comfort in the fact that if I don't make it, then at least I'll land somewhere in the sky.   Until next time, Angrybaby signing out.    
AngryBaby

AngryBaby

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Fatty vs Skinny-ish

So I have the lapband and my mom has the sleeve. I received my band roughly a month before she had her sleeve surgery. Considering the circumstaces we have both acheived splinded results. However, I am envious of how far she has come in her journey. She has gone from wearing a size 22-24W to a skinny size 8. I have gone from a size 20-22W to a size 12. Keep in mind that this is roughly 8 months post-op. I just wish I could have lost weight as quickly as she has. I have lost 70 pounds at this point and still have about 60 pounds to go until I hit my goal. I'm trying my best to be happy for her and I always celebrate her victories with her. I'm so proud of her, it's just that I just wish it was me...   Although I am happy for myself too. I've never been this small in my entire life. I've always been a bit of a butterball. I'm starting to realize that the "skinny life" is so much different from my old life. It's really weird. I'm now cold ALL THE TIME!!! Back in the day I was often know to go outside in just jeans and a t-shirt (in the snow, mind you) and just comfortably chill. Now I have to wear three shirts, a sweater, gloves, a scarf, and a hat... and I'm STILL cold. My bones aren't as well cushened as before, which is making it uncomfortable to sleep. My knees poke at eachother if I try sleeping on my side and my elbow keeps poking me in the ribs. Who knew being 70 lbs lighter could be so uncomfortable. I also find that I'm not as clumsy as I used to be. I don't bang into door entries anymore. I also don't trip over my own feet as often. My shoe size has also shrunk quite a bit. I used to wear a size 10W shoe now I'm at an 8 1/2. Weird...   People treat me differently too.   I don't know what it is about being fat, but I'm used to people avoiding me. If I was to sit in an empty auditorium back when I weight 262 lbs no one would sit next to me. In fact the entire auditorium would fill up and the only seats that would be empty would be the ones right next to me. You would think that I smelled bad or had some horrible contagious disease. Now however things are different. People talk to me and they don't even know me. Guys shamelessly hit on me in front of my fiance. Hell, I'm just shocked that guys are actually hitting on me!   Unlike some people, I am very open about my surgery. If anyone asks, I will honestly tell them how I lost weight. It's even all over my facebook page. I'm not embarressed and I'm not ashamed. This is the first time I've actually succeeded at weight-loss. I'm very proud of myself. I have not finished my journey, but I have accomplished many goals that I never have before. This is the first time I've been below 200 lbs since I was in Jr. High. I never thought I would be able to say that. My next goal is to be able to say I've lost 100 lbs and not be lying.   Until next time...   Angrybaby signing out.
AngryBaby

AngryBaby

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The 20s: The best years of your life...

I've heard people say time and time again: Enjoy your 20s... Everything goes down hill from there (body wise). When people think of back when they were in their 20s most think of their smokin' hot bodies, stamina, and their joints not popping all the time. I'm 23 going on 85... I started off my 20s at 5'5" and 270 pounds with a fat rear, thunder thighs, and working on a triple chin. Every joint in my body screamed as I moved. I would hyperventilate when I tried to run. At the age of 22, I had my gallbladder removed. My life as a butterball was really starting to show massive signs of stress on my body. I have more stretch marks than Octomom and am really surprised/relieved that I didn't get diabetes.   My life is beginning to change. I'm losing weight and I can breath. I can fit in a roller coaster and I don't have to touch anyone I sit next to involuntarily (ass spilling over to the next seat where someone else happens to be sitting).   As I shrink, my skin refuses to join the crusade. As one blogger put it, I look great in clothes but horrible naked. I am one of those people that as they gained weight they gained it everywhere. My once thunder thighs have become empty potatoe sacks. My floppy/fatty boobies have become tube socks with a rock in them. My plump santa gut now looks like a melted and scarred up smiley face. Don't even get me started about my ass... To give you an idea of how many inches it took for me to look so pathetic here you go: Inches lost 6in off chest 7in off stomache 8.25in off ass 4in off each thigh   Going back to where I started... They say the 20s are the best years of your life. I say screw it! I've never been much of a conformist anyway... I'm going to make my thirties the best years of my life. By my thirties, I'll lose all of the rest of my weight and get a nip/tuck or two.... or eight (we'll see what happens). By my thirties, I'll start popping out pups, have a stable career, and become less of a closet nudist and more of a streaker. Rawr...   Until next time, Angrybaby signing out.
AngryBaby

AngryBaby

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Rant: clothing prices vary depending on size

I went shopping today in hopes of finding something cute to wear to work. I found an adorable top (normal size Yay!) for $8. I then had a revelation. I realized that when I used to go shopping for tops (plus sized), I was lucky if I could find something less than $25-$30.   I've realized that you end up spending alot more money when you are obese than when you are "normal". America is "fighting" obesity. Eat healthier food.... healthy fresh food is more expensive than over processed food. Work out more.... commercials flood television shows with "use this EASY workout and you will loose 20 pounds in two weeks" results not typical... Plus, you figure in all of your doctor bills then BAM! bye bye money....   Of course the majority of society frowns on public nudity. Therefore, we must buy clothing. So we hit up the malls and other random stores in need of wearing something publically acceptable. *Sigh* Why do businesses think that is okay to charge a plus sized person more for their clothing than someone who is smaller. I've seen the crappy material they use to make some of these clothes. I know you're using more material HOWEVER I also know that it doesn't cost THAT much more for the extra material.   On a side note... why do designers think that everyone who is plus sized should wear ugly clothing? It's hard to find something really cute (and age appropriate) for a 22 year old sized W22-24 chick. I would hit up Lane Bryant and nothing is screaming "buy me 'cus I'd look great on a 22 year old". I'd hit up DEB and they have cute plus sized clothes but not everything is adjusted appropriately for the chicks with curves in all the right.... uh well curves in all the places...   I'm just happier that I'm smaller. It's less frustrating to shop and soooooo much cheaper. I wish good luck for those of you who are on the road to normal-dome.   Until next time, Angrybaby signing out.
AngryBaby

AngryBaby

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Slave to the band

I don't work with the band the band works on me. The band screams at me when I'm hungry. The band abuses me when I'm full. The band is happy when I don't eat at all....   I don't get hungry anymore. I simply don't want to eat. Eating no longer makes me happy it only annoys me and it consumes too much time (pun intended). I have better things to do with my time. It's funny how much the band has changed me... I used to live around food. I looked forward to every meal. When I finished that meal my mouth would salivate as I dream up my next meal or dessert. Food made me happy in every way possible. I dreamed about it and I lived for it. Now I must find something new to fill the void of food.   My body has changed because of the band, however my mind remains the same. As time passes by and inches melt away I slowly begin noticing the miniscule changes my body attempts to make. I see a glimps of collarbones, a trace of the hip bones, a slight hint of wrist bones and knuckles. My body makes me marvel at every curve and flab of grotesque skin emptied of globules of fat. Priceless...   My mind is stuck in neutral. I try to keep a journal to track my measurements, weight, and appearance as I change from month to month. Yet I am still surprised to see the face that looks back at me every day in the mirror. My face has changed dramatically. When I first turned 23, I looked like a 16 year old. Now after losing 70 pounds and simply 8 months later I look my age. Which may seem like nothing to an average person, but to me it's pretty freaky. Aging 7-8 years in only one year is creapy, like something you'd see on the Twilight Zone.   My personality remains the same, through thick and thin (again pun intended). I'm a gamer chick who diggs comic books and loves reading. I'm also a closet rock star who plays a kick-ass air guitar. I have a unique and sometimes dark sense of humor and love to laugh. I enjoy not being the average girl. I love being different and I am more honest than most people will ever dare to be.   Until next time....   Angrybaby signing out.
AngryBaby

AngryBaby

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