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Peeling back the layers

Entries in this blog

 

ww this week

I went to my meeting this morning. It was particularly boring. I usually love those meetings but Weightwatchers launched a new plan so we had to sit through the leader going over the whole thing.   I was down 0.6lbs this week to make a total of 18. I don't know what the heck is up with that since I stayed within my points and exercised 5 days at an hour each day. (as well as one day doing floor exercises when I couldn't get to the gym). Maybe my body is just adjusting to the 6 pound loss last week. I really shouldn't be obsessing and just go with the flow. A loss is better than a gain.   I am cranky today and I think it is because I have so much on my mind with the upcoming surgery. I am scared! It will be here so soon. I watched the lapband surgery video from BWH last night and was amazed. It actually made it look much less scary.   I have this wacky urge to eat something today that I know I will probably never eat again. I am leaning toward getting a small steak and cheese sub. Is that nuts? I just think I won't ever eat it because the steak is really chewy. At the same time, I haven't had anything bad like that in 2 months and I don't really miss it. Why the urge to get something like that today? I must be nuts! We'll see what I end up doing. I haven't had that last supper mentality until today. My plan is to go to mostly liquids starting tomorrow so I feel like I should get in one last yummy meal. i dunno......
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

2
 

What I want

I have made these lists before but I want one in my journal that I can look back on. I will list what I want with my new healthy self and I can check them off as they are accomplished!   1. I want to fit my butt comfortable in a kayak. I love to do it, but last time my butt was pinched and it was not comfy for long.   2. To bikeride without being afraid the tires will look flat and the the seat is lost in my ample rear.   3. To be smaller than my husband. (or at least the same size!)   4. To wear my wedding ring comfortably again.   5. To go to amusement parks and not be afraid the seat won't fit-I have always fit in the past but it has come close!   6. To not have to sit on the couch with a pillow over my stomach for fear that everyone see smy enormous belly rolls.   7. To feel comfortable in my own skin.   8. To shop in regular stores.   9. To not critique everyone in my vicinity to see if I am the biggest one in the room.   10. To take my daughter horseback riding.   11. sex with the lights on!   12. To dance without worrying that I look so huge on the dancefloor.   13. To not revolve an outing around where we are going to eat.   14. To look like the hip, cool mom I feel like I am on the inside.   15. I know I will think of more---edit later.
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

1
 

waaah-can't sleep!

Boohoo..I am tired. But this stomach sleeping gal is struggling to get some decent shut eye laying on my side. I am going to go on the couch in a bit and tryto get a more comfortable position. I am up now drinking a smallprotein shake because I am actually hungry. I know it is not an optimum time to eat, but seeing as I stuglle to get food in right now, I will eat whenever my tummy tells me I can. I actually used a hang blender to mix my protein drink and it tastes tons better-none of that protein sludge in the cup. ::shudder::: I am so excitedfor Christmas. I knw it will be great and I am going to enjoy the company and my family and who gives a crap about food. It will always be there! These 3 weeks of liquids will be tough, but not the end of the world. I am however craving a piece of baked haddock. I think that will be the first thing I eat when I can have solids. What a strange thing for me to crave. I went through my closet today anddumped a crapload of clothes. I have sizes from 22 to 16 in there. I sorted the clothes together by size and then put the 16's at the back, followed by 18' and 20's. The 22's all went in the trash with some really old "thinner" clothes too because by the time they fit, I am buying something new. Ihavehung onto so mnay things because even whenI lost weight int he past, I think I knew that I woulg grow back into some of the clothes and I kept my favorite pieces. Not anymore!!! I may save some of the ncer things and try to get rid of them through friends here that are coming down in size. We'll see if I can figure out a way to do that. I have thingsthat have tags on them because I havea terrible habit of buying and not returning whenthe things don't fit. Now some of them are too big. geesh-what a waste of money. Mom told me today that whenI get down to my goal of a size 12 or 10 (we'll see if it is my goal when I get there), she will take me shopping. I am holding her to that! I love it! I went outlet shopping last week before surgery and fell in love with an Izod Black winter jacket. It was gorgeous and marked downto 50 bucks. I tried on the XL and it was barely zippable. I expected as much since an XL in a designer store is inherently small. Nothing like the "big girl" stores where sizes aremuch more forgiving! I now wish I had bought it, because deep down I think I could be wearing it is a month or so. Can you imagine? I cannot wait to shop in normal stores. How nice. Even being a 20, I find the clothes in size 20 are not comfy. It will be nice to shop off the rack. Okay, enough fantasizng for one night!
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

1
 

thx angelburch

Thanks for thelink to the pre-op diet. Wow that is strict. have you followed it? I mean, I think I can do anything for the 5 days I have until surgery! Maybe I will follow that plan but modify it with one Lean Cuisine type meal a day so I have something of substance over the next few days. I just spent today eating more than I normally would and more than I have the past 2 months. I had too much pizza and not a vegetable or fruit to speak of. I don't know what got into me. I am done though. It wasn't worth it-I feel like I won't miss it either! Anyway, thanks for the tip-onto liquids tomorrow morning.   ~Kay
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

1
 

South Beach Phase 1 Day 4

Are you ready for crazy???? Well, first off, I feel much better today than I did yesterday. When I woke up this morning, the room wasn't spinning which is a relief! I weighed myself this morning. Monday (Day 1) I weighed 221 on the scale. Today the scale reads 214.5. WTF? Is that even possible? Is it going to stay??? I have gone 4 months or so battling the same 3 pounds up and down between 218 and 221...now in 4 days of proper eating, lean protein & veggies, LF dairy. At any rate, it seems crazy!  
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

1
 

South Beach Diet Phase 1 Day 3

Okay, so today I am not feeling well. I am very lightheaded and dizzy. I woke up around 8am after being up until about 1am last night. When I went to the bathroom I felt like I was drunk with the spins. It was not fun. I have been in bed for most of the day. I ate 2 string cheese sticks at around 10am because it was easy and I was wondering if I needed food. I waited about an hr and drank a lot of water. I just had lunch but I still feel fuzzy. I am not feeling as bad but still not well. I hope this passes!!!!   Meal Plan B: 2 string cheese L: 3oz chicken 1c romaine 3T light caesar dressing   iced coffee (small) with a little cream   D: 3oz. steak grilled zucchini with olive oil mushrooms sauteed with 1 teaspoon butter   dessert: favorite! PB Cup ice cream made with 1T natural PB 1 sf ff fudge pop melted a little .25 cup lite cool whip and refrozen  
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

1
 

South Beach Diet Phase 1 Day 2

Meal Plan Today   B: 1 quiche cup 1 turkey sausage   L: Antipasto Salad included: 2 slices salami 1 slice provolone lettuce tomatoes artichoke hearts balsamic vinaigrette   Sn: Iced Coffee with cream 1 equal Later: 1 Polly-O cheese stick   D: Chicken Fajitas included: 3oz. chicken breast (lime juice, cumin, cayenne, oil) red peppers & onions (about 1/2 cup) 1/4 c. shredded cheddar 1T. light sour cream   dessert: orange SF jello light cool whip   I drank lots of water today too!   Good food, not feeling hungry. I did however covet the brownies at Mom's house but I overcame!!!:clap2:
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

1
 

SBD Phase 1 Day 8 meal

Just a quick recording while it is fresh:   AM coffee w/cream B: 2 deviled eggs L:MCD's dbl cheeseburger (no bun or ketchup) with a side salad (ate 1/2 with 1/2 Ranch dressing) iced coffee with cream D:romaine, parmesan, smoked turkey and caesar dressing 100cal lemon yogurt   dessert:PB cup dessert late snack (tummy growling)...cheese topping off of leftover pizza & a light laughing cow wedge
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

3
 

SBD Phase 1 Day 8

213lbs. Yesterday I actually saw 212.5 on the scale and about lost my breath! Too excited for words! I am starting to like I can really lose this weight. For months at 220 I thought I would never get lower. I accepted that this may be it. Now I am revived and ready to fight the next 50 pounds!   I had a really busy weekend and did not log my meals. I have been to more parties than I can count and had to plan and pick my foods carefully. I succeeded and reinforced the fact that this can be done. Yesterday was the toughest day because we were out from noon to 10pm last night and had to rely on my host supplying the food. I did pack a little salad and some cashews so I knew I could eat something.   yesterday day 7: b:yogurt, iced coffee l:spinach salad, goat cheese, smoked turkey, light viniagrette sn:cashews, ham & cheese rolled up d: hot dog (no bun) and cheeseburger (no bun) unfortunately there was no grilled chicken or any type of salad/veggies at the cookout so I did the best I could dessert at home:frozen pb cup dessert    
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

1
 

one day at a time

Had a Designer Whey protein drink this morning before hitting the gym. It is nice to not have to worry about what to have for breakfast and it only takes a minute to mix the shake. I am not really hungry inthe am anyway. At the gym I switched it up today since I don't want to get bored or my body to get too used to the same routine. I did the dreaded treadmill for 20 minutes today and tried jogging. I walked at 3.6 for about 5 minutes, then I would lightly jog at 4.2 for about 2 1/2 minutes then switch back. I think I ran about 2 1/2 times since the last time I could feel a blister in my foot. I had the wrong sneakers on today. After, I jumped on the elliptical for 35 minutes. It was a good workout. I even stretched out in the gym-usually I stretch in the locker room since I am uncomfortable around the men there (even though I am sure they are paying zero attn to me!).   Today is my last maternity clinical! I am so excited for some time off. I will try to take care of as much Christmas stuff as possible this next week since I could be somewhat out of commission after surgery. I still cannot believe I am doing this!
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

1
 

New Year's Eve

Quick mention, I was at WW onthe day after Christmas and down another 3 pounds. I hit my 10% and got my keychain too. Small milestones! Another 10 or so pounds and I will be lower than I have been in about 10 years!!!!   Happy New Year to me! I cannot believe I am starting this year without the dread of another "diet" looming ahead. I don't have that major "last supper" mentality that I would normally have now in preparation for the diet that would inevitably start tomorrow (and fail by Tuesday). This is going to be an amazing year. This year I will become the healthiest I have been in a long time AND I will finish school. What could be better? I am very excited at my prospects this year. Sadly, I am couch bound this eventful night. I could not handle another get together and another food event that I would have to suffer through. I have had 5 of them in the past week and I havehad enough!!!   I will say, I have done very well. Christmas Eve, I didn't eat a thing, Christmas day I had about a half cup of very runny mashed potatoes, Friday I had 2 crackers and my soup at my aunt's house saying I had a sore throat (again-I am sick of that lie!), then yesterday at Dad's. I had about 6 wheat thins over the course of the day with some cheese spread and totally skipped the dinner. It was tough especially since I have to be sneaky. I made up a plate and fed it to my husband like scraps to a dogand no one noticed. Hubby has no problem eating 2 meals anyway. haha. Today was a liquid day because I am feeling guilty for having the crackers. I have no problem at all eating them, since I chew them to nothing before swallowing, but I technically am not supposed to be eating them.   I took my scar pic today. Since then I showered and my last bandage came off. I will take another pic later. I think the scars will heal well. The big incision looks a little pink and scary but otherwise I look like I have scratches. I am pleased.   Off to ring in the new year with DH!
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

1
 

later 12/13

ugh...unflavored proteing powder mixed with pink lemonade crystal light is not great but tolerable...   Anyway, I am getting sorta frustrated. I have my friend that goes to WW with me and she has no idea what I am doing. I have not told her since through conversations past I know that she is anti-surgery. Very judgemental about the whole thing as a matter of fact. I think it is fear mostly. She says that if you just suck it up and stick to a program, that is all it takes. I just say to her that I am not going to judge since I think different means work for different people and the bottom line is finding what works for you. No way is better than the other (although statistically, diets only work what- 5% of the time?).   Well, she calls me a lot to see what I am eating and how I am doing. I feel like as of next week, I am going to be lying to her about everything. What can I do though. I have no desire to tell her the truth because I don't feel like having to justify my decision to someone who is not open minded at all. It is not the end of the world, I am just frustrated. I wish I could distance myself but I don't know how.....
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

1
 

First entry

I am on a time crunch but I need to get a journal entry so I can start logging what is going on. I am 2 weeks or so away from surgery. I am scared! I just called the Dr. today to see if my insurance approved the surgery and they have. I think I was half thinking htat I would be denied. Next Monday is Pre-op appt then the following Monday is surgery. I feel conflicted. I am definitely not feeling 100% like I want to do this and I am wondering if this is normal. Of course I am afraid to ask that question at the MD office for fear that they will say "Nope, you aren't ready" and cancel my appt. Am I nuts???? I think I am questioning because since I was told that I had to lose 10 pounds and I have joined Weight Watchers (for the 100th time), I have managed to loae about 17 pounds. I have been going to the gym 5 or 6 days a week and I feel wonderful. There is that little thought that, wow, maybe I can do this myself. But then I look at my history and I am always gung ho for about 3 months or so then I lose steam. Typical diet failure. The other thing is, I plan to continue my WW meetings becauseI find them so supportive. ANother thing I never had before. This particular meeting is thebest I have ever attended and every week I feel really pumped to do my best. Anyway, if I continue to go to WW, am I a fraud??? I have not told anyone about my plans and do not intend to. I willbe weighing in with my friend that doesn't know about my plans to have surgery, and I will basically be lying to her every week. It seems so deceitful. I just know how anti-surgery she is and I don't want to tell her. I don't know what to think.   On a side note, I had a good workout today-50 minutes elliptical. I need to do my weights at some point since I did not have time at the gym today (dentist appt). Got a root canal today-lucky me. I made another appt for next week and I actually scheduled it around my workout. Whoever thought that would be a priority! haha.
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

3
 

Before

Testing to see if my official before shots are uploading. I should add that these pics are -18 pounds since I started WW 8 weeks ago to get myself in surgery shape.
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

1
 

8 months later....

It is time to refocus! I am happy to have lost 52.6 pounds, I am happy to not have gained anything back, but I am not happy that I have become complacent. I have not lost a pound in months and I know I am not working my band properly. It is a wonder I have not gained anything back. I have let my busy, hectic life get in the way and I have lost control. I know that chips, ice cream, and those dreadful york peppermint patties go down easily and have no place in my diet. Especially when I may eat them in lieu of a healthy, balanced meal. This is something that has been nagging me for weeks and I am doing that before bed mental crap that I used to do back when I was 270+ pounds. Just as I am falling asleep I get that feeling of dread that I am still obese. I am ready to get this weight loss rolling again or in the very least start feeling like I ma working it properly and being more healthy.   I have opted to try to incorporate South Beach principles into my diet because I truly believe this is a healthy way to live. I am doing Phase 1 as of yesterday to try to detox me from all the crap I was eating. I swear that helps with the craving and I hope it helps again....   Yesterday's Meal Plan B: 1 quiche cup 1 turkey sausage *I cooked 2 sausages and quiche cups but was full after 1.   L: low sodium V8 3 slices ham rolled with cheese mustard   coffee with 1/2&1/2   D: romaine lettuce (about 1 cup) 3oz chicken parmesan cheese light caeser dressing   dessert: SF jello with cool whip   snack later 2 Polly-O string cheese   I figured out the calories to be 932 with 52grams fat and 82 grams protein. Per fitday.   I also managed to drink more water than I have in months. I would estimate that I had 10 glasses! That was why I didn't really snack until later...no time with all that drinking and waiting after meals. I really wasn't ever hungry today though either.   Yesterday was my busy day though so we will see how I do when I have more down time.
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

1
 

5k training week 1

Okay-I am a terrible journalist (journal-er, journale writer??? whatever!). My new goal is to train for a 5K. This is something I have always wanted to do. I have walked races, but never ran them. I have never run more than 3 miles.   I found a race on St Patrick's Day. It is "Ras ns hEireann" "the Race of Ireland". I think that may be a bit ambitious but I know if I cannot run it, I can walk it. I really really want to walk it though. I am registering for it this week. I am going to make my runner friend do it with me too (she doesn't know that yet) because there is a huge Pub sponsered party after with live bands (and food, but I don't care about the food) Now I need to focus on my training.   Week 1-plan is to run M W & F walk/run 29/6. Monday-I walked 5 minutes @ 3.0-paused and stretched, then 3 minutes 3.8, 2 mins run @ 4.2, 3 minutes 3.8, 2 minutes @4.2, walked at 4.0 incline/3.5 speed for 5 minutes, ran no incline 3 minutes @ 4.2 then walked briskly for a couple minutes and then cooled down. It was a total of 28/7. I am sore but I stretched really well and feel good!!!! I will edit this for the rest of the week to add what I do. I also did a upper body weight circuit today. Tuesday-brisk walk 45min. Wednesday-Walked 28min, avg 3.9@3.0incline/ran 7min@4.5 and 1.0incline Thursday- Friday- Saturday- upper body circuit
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

2
 

12/24/06

I posted the following in my favorite thread but felt I needed to post it in my journal for a reference:   Last night I went to exchange gift at some of my family's house. It was informal and nice. My aunt served dinner..just snack type foods but there was so much delicious looking stuff. Not the fancy things, more like chicken wings and cheesy appetizers, boatloads of baked goods. I just sipped tea because of my "sore throat" (the excuse I am using for not eating). It was tough and I was feeling a little bad for myself. We came home after a couple of hours and I was starved so I had some soup. I was relaying to my husband about feeling a little sad about not getting to eat all of that delicious smelling food. Things I would have devoured until I was stuffed pre-surgery. He just turned to me and said "it's just like drinking". he had given up drinking about 6 years ago. I kind of felt like a dope. Here is this guy who quit something that he enjoyed because he drove me crazy when he did it-he wasn't mean or belligerent. He functioned daily, but when he drank he got sloppy and annoying. He is so much funnier now that he stopped and no longer tells me the same stories over and over-hehe. I know it was a huge hurdle for him and he has been sober for 6 years. I guess it put things into a perspective for me. I too have to give up my addiction. I can still eat, but I can no longer just stuff myself with all the things in front of my face. He beat his addiction without the help of a tool like I have. I admire him for it even more. When I woke up this morning, the longing for those foods was over. Yeah, I didn't get to eat all that stuff I saw last night and desperately wanted despite not being hungry-but so what. It is only food. It will be there whenI can eat and have a little bit...I don't want it to have power over me anymore.
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

0
 

12/23/06

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I got up early,took some Tylenol, and was off doing errands. How liberating to feel independent again. I am definitely not getting the coddling and attn from DH as I would like. He is helpful if I ask, but I am still up doing dishes and the like since no one else in this house seems to mind if this place turns into a rat's nest. It drives me batty. And now he has a cold which sucks, but I swear if I am sick, he is sicker. Is it a guy thing? I actually thought I would be waited on a bit. Not that I need to be, it just would be nice to be nursed like my mom would have. Okay..enough pity party for me. I had a couple of weird chewing incidents yesterday. I chewed 3 cheezits and spit them in the trash. then a piece of chicken. How gross. I am not proud of my crazy behavior. Iwas just desperate for something of substance in my mouth. I am over it though and will try not to do that again. The last thing I need is to have some eating disorder where I start chewing and spitting..not to mention, it is just no fun when you can't swallow the food. My banded friend came to visit last night and brought some shakes for me to try. I am looking forward to having them this morning! She made me feel good since she said I didn't look like i had sx 4 days ago. That was nice. I actually feel so much better than I could have ever dreamed! I went to WW yesterday on a whim since I missed my meeting on Tuesday. I was down 7 pounds! I felt a bit fraudulent, because I know I havethe unfair advantage of having had sx. Whatever-this is about me. I need to lose this weight by whatever means necessary without hurting my body. I don't feel like I need to be going to WW right now, but my membership is paid for until the end of January. By that point I will be on some regular food and that iswhen I think I will need the accountability since I will still have to make good food choices. It helps me to keep ontrack and journal what I am eating. Looking forward to havinga good, productive day. And tomorrow is Christmas Eve! Exciting. This is my last fat Christmas! I already feel so much more attractive down 25 pounds than I did a few months ago. Yay me. Check in later.
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

1
 

12/21/06

I went out shopping at Target today and felt pretty well. I had only Tylenol this afternoon for pain but I know I won;t sleep well without the percocet tonight. I have some burning in my back and I don;t know what that is all about. My little girl fell off the rocking chair tonight and I jumped up to try to get her and ended up on the couch in tears. The two of us bawling! It was scary-I should notbe getting up that fast. ::ouch::: Food today: 1cup proteinshake over 2 hours water decaf tea (about 1/2 cup) small container of no sugar applesauce(about 1/2) 1/2 cup cottage cheese with strained marinara sauce (yummy) water I am going to take my measurements today too. I wish my big bloated belly would go down. ho-hum
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

1
 

12/20/06

I am home among the living-thank God. Presently, I am feeling pretty well. I was not feeling well at all yesterday and part of today. I am very bloated and gassy and I feel like a semi backed over my stomach but it is definitely getting better. It sounds gross, but I so thrilled when I pass gas because it is a huge relief. The gas pain is mostly in my lower belly and lower back. Not in my shoulder as of yet. I am including my scar pics (despite my icky stretch marked bloated belly). I think it is important to be able to look back...  
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

2
 

12/16

OMG-TWO MORE DAYS!!!!!!!   I am freaking out a bit. I am also having a little attack of the last supper syndrome. I have not journaled my food in 2 days which I am usally diligent about. I had Wendy's grilled chicken sandwich and a 1/2 order of fries (which reaffirmed that I really won't miss french fries). For dinner I had about 1 cup of past and a piece of chicken parm instead of the salad I planned to have. I think itis hitting me that I won't be able to eat "normal' (as far as chew my new lap-band food) for about 6 weeks. My only instruction from the Md is to eat light Sunday, liquids only after 7pm and NPO after midnight. Today I will try to keep it light as well. I am so excited to see so many of my fellow December Bandsters on the board doing as well as they are. I am also glad to see somethat are uncomfortable because it reminds me that I am probably not going to be feeling great right away. I think there were a few that seemed to bounce back really quickly and it was giving this false sense that I would not have any pain. I am nervous about the pain meds since I tend to not feel great when I take them. Ijust want to be able to transition to Tylenol as quickly as possible! Especially when not eating, those meds are going to make me feel like crap! I am off to get therest of my "nesting" done and scrubthe heck out of my bathroom!
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

1
 

12/14

Went to 2nd seminar tonight. It was ok. Found it to be repetitive since I already have learned so much in my own research. I did find myself comforted by the others in attendance who had had the surgery previously.   I wish I could sleep through the next few days and fast forward to Monday. I am anxious to get this show on the road!
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

3
 

12/13/06

5 more days!!!!   I am so anxious. I am waking up at night thinking about it. I am on this website 5 times a day! I am feeling like I will get through this alright but I am still in shock that I am doing it at all.   I ate pizza yesterday and a small steak and cheese sub. It wasn't even good. I just felt like I had been doing so well the past two months that I had to have a last hurrah before my self inflicted liquid diet begins today. I honestly think I am nuts but I learned something---crap food just isn't as exciting as I think it is anymore. It made me feel sluggish and really didn't taste as great as I thought it would. From this point on, if I ever have a craving, I will at least make sure it will be something worth it. If it had been really good pizza like found in the North End of Boston, it would have been worth it. But there is no good pizza like that around here. And I know I willbe able to have it again someday, I will just have to chew chew chew it. It is only food. Why do I give it so much power over me sometimes?   I hit the gym this morning and did 30 min elliptical, 20 min treadmill and tried the scary looking revolving stair machine. Yup, lasted about 5 minutes and my hear rate was really up.Not to mention, I couldn't get the hang of the machine and my toes kept getting squished. Maybe my feet are too big. At least now I know what it is like. I love the elliptical, so I guess I will stick with that. I just feel like I need to mix it up sometimes.   Off to the dentist for part 2 of my root canal. Lucky me!   ~Kay
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

1
 

12/11/06pm

Made it to the gym tonight. Very reluctantly. It seems if I don't go in the AM it is too easy to lose my motivation. I had a good 50 minutes ont he elliptical burning 500+ calories. I don't know if it will be enough to get the pound or 2 I seemed to gain this week (I don't know how) before my weigh in tomorrow morning. UGH!!!!!
Kaydotrn

Kaydotrn

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