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Post Op 11 Months and I am Still Failing..

It will be exactly a year in less than a month... My Starting weight was 394.6 in May of 09.. I went to my first surgery information conference and decided that the lap band was what I wanted. My mom had the bypass about 8 years earlier and even though she had great success with the Weight loss, She had so many health problems along the way. It scared me.. and My insurance only covered the band which made the decision between the two that much easier. In order to have the Band I had to lose about 55-60lbs on my own to reach the required BMI in order to have the surgery. So from May-Jan I worked my butt off and now that i looked at it.. it really didn't seem that hard.. I lost exactly that.. I lost 60 lbs.. ALL on my own.. hard work.. i felt amazing and all i kept thinking was just wait until the surgery.. i will put everything i have already done and learned and work with the band.. and everything will be amazing i will be a NEW person.. Imagining where and who i would be a year from them... and here i am a year later and i am at the same weight.. feeling like a failure... How did i do this to myself.. The Past year i started off by playing by the rules.. and lost weight the first few weeks a a nice pace.. and then... it started slowing down as i realized i could still eat foods i wanted depending if i ate the slow enough... and sometimes i would over eat.. feel the pain.. and then just wait and eat more later.. i did get down to 312.. but didn't stay there long.. I mantained in the 318-320's for about 7-8 months.. i just didn't seem to care enough.. or what.. something was so wrong with me.. i was always so stressed about when the next time i was going to go to the doctors to be judged ...(they were the nicest group of drs and nurses..No judging was going on at all) but that what i couldn't get out of my head. I starting gaining instead of loosing and I felt like i not only failed myself.. But i failed them. My place of employment has been going through a hard time and has cut back on hours which resulted in me not getting the hrs i needed to have insurance, and So now its the beginning of a new year i am exactly where i was when this began at 336 and i am no longer getting fills because i cannot afford it. I feel So lost.. and I feel like i am a failure.. i feel like i know what the right things to do are.. and I am completely missing so many steps.. like why is my will not as strong as others.. how are my Dreams to look beautiful in a wedding dress, HAVE a baby... Hike a mountain, ride rides at an amusement park and so many other things over take this addiction with food i have? How come i do not think i am important enough? I can blame it on the fact my mom relapsed into alcoholism, and started having seizures after her rehab.. or how my dads life feel apart and between the both they ended up in and out of the hospital one after another month s after months.. or that my boyfriend is the same size as me.. and has no ambition to better himself.. But really None of these things should have held me back or will hold me back... I have it in me.. i DID loose 60 lbs before the band.. and I can do it... I need to do it.. and I will do it... So me and one of my close friends have started back at the gym he is a great motivator.. and i am starting to feel good... now to follow the food rules and I will be back on track.. what a crazy ride this is.. I want to be a recovering Food addict... I no longer want to be a lost soul in the depths of the sick addiction of Food! Well ... here i go..

StacyMainePink

January 18, 2011

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