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Trouble Allowing

OMG! Today I am soooo obsessed with food. Im looking up food or nibbling or watching something about food. My mind is hungry or something. Or maybe my heart/soul is hungry. But for what? What will fill the void. I don't know. I think I need a purpose. Ive been pretty bored, lonely, bored, unmotivated, blah. I am tired for no reason. I think the kjey is to get my ass back in the gym. Ive been having a hard time getting to the gym but I have been trying to supplement my workout needs with walks. I see that I need vigorous exercise to feel awake. The walks are nice and all but I dont feel more alive afterwards. New York in the spring is an amazing place, the people are like flowers. The sun comes out and out comes the fabulousness that id NYC style. I had hoped that I would be able to participate this spring but I still haven't a job, money, or the amount of weight lost to shop at better stores.   I guess I feel like a failure. Its been a year since my college graduation and a little more than a half of year since getting my band and I dont feel that I have done enough since either. I had expected to have my paper published and have lost way more lbs by now. Im having a bit of trouble accepting that Ive done what I could with the life and time that I have. The truth is that there has been death, illness, and depression all within this last year but I still feel like I am making excuses. I need to cut myself some slack.   Therapy here I come.
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This is what doing the headwork looks like.

I am a very personal person. I dont tell everybody everything. I have two distinct sets of friends, my home friends and my college friends and the two rarely meet. Then there is my family, I dont tell them much of anything.   This was all working out for me until people started making things up about me. I dont want to feel faulted for being secretive. I don't like my personal business discussed and then the result of that meeting of the mindless to be brought to my attention by strangers or even my ten year old cousin who thinks he knows everything.   I know that you cant stop people from talking about you but it doesn't make it hurt less knowing that the things they are saying are untruthful.   I had a life where anything that was different or wrong or even right about me has been used to embarrass me or hurt me. So I don't let many people in.   There are some things about me that only certain people know. It has gotten to the point where the fact that I haven't had a boyfriend means that I must be gay.   First thing that no one seems to understand is that while I do have issues with men, none of them is that I dont like them. Ive believed so long that men didnt like me. I have spent my WHOLE life so far believing that I was ugly, disgusting and utterly unlovable.   I hid under a tough image and under tons of fat. For two years in my adolescence I actually hid from the world. When my friends were dating I was in my bedroom trying not to kill myself. There is no other way to say that, its the truth.   DO I feel like I missed out? Yes. I feel cheated. I cant lie. Does part of me feel like a loser because of it? Yes. Its hard growing up thinking that no one would ever love you.   So I kept my eyes down. I gained LOTS of weight. I became the best friend anyone could ever have. I got pets. I became a gift giver. I got used to the idea of being alone. I expected to be alone. I freed myself of the notion that any man could find me attractive which made it easier to be social with the opposite sex. I tried my best not to be jealous when my close friends and family got paired up. I never offered relationship advice so as not to look jealous. Far be it from me to assume that I know anything about relationships, that would be laughable, right. AND...I hated myself more than ever through it all.   NOW because Im losing weight and Im starting to feel good about myself and what I am capable of I see that I was reacting to a childhood and adolescence full of rejection. However, a lot of those feelings hide in my subconscience.   My real issue here is that I feel like a failure that I have never had a boyfriend. Plus now I am a laughing stock again. Everyone makes jokes either I'm a loser or I'm gay. Good times.   Its so much easier to assume that I am I the closet than to except that I'm not promiscuous like one cousin or a gold digger like another. If I where gay I sure wouldn't be in any closet. But since I'm a 28 year old virgin I have to be in there behind the coats.   With no religious reason for being a virgin I'm all fucked up. So many of the people who know I'm a big ole virgin have told me, "oh yeah its better that way, I wish I had waited". BTW I find that completely patronizing (so please don't offer up any of that bullshit).   So what? I get to call myself a late bloomer? But while I do so I also get to be the big old joke. This my friends is why I haven't told anyone anything till now. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes a bit, I'm still learning my worth.   I don't know why I'm spilling guts on here but...those are my intestines and my banded stomach   Im a closeted virgin. Funny.
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THE PLANE! THE PLANE! I finally see it!

Before and Afters have been what has fueled my weightloss and kept me on task (mostly). However, I cant seem to take one of my own. I had gotten so used to taking pictures for various reasons that now when I seem my image I hardly recognize myself. I am so not complaining!   What I have learned is that the last 20lbs made ALL of the difference. I look like a different person to myself!   The only problem is that I feel that I look sick (not weight-wise). I am hating this winter complexion I have going on right now, I am not to pleased with my pallor. (Yes, Black people can look pale :w00t: )   Hopefully I will be able to take some decent pics soon to post on the B&A boards!
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Sexy Sexy Sexy!

I am loving this new hourglass figure! Today it was called sexy. I havent been called sexy before this day! It is a MONUMENTAL event in my life. Sex appeal is new to me. Yesterday I found myself flirting with who was walking across the street in front of my car. I did the smile-look away-smile bit and he responded. Besides the fact that he responded (because I am AGHAST that he did), what is so exciting is that I didnt freak out. I did drive away though but, I didnt freak out. I would pre-weightloss have freaked and not even looked at him. I would have come out of the situation sad and frustrated. He was cute and we flirted, I cant believe it is that easy. It is really that easy, wow. I am considering it part of my workout yesterday (I was on my way to the gym). I am working out my sex appeal. I may need to be contained, there is a beast inside and its getting hungry. Mmmm boys:tt2:.   This crazy, I am still trying to understand that I look so different. Weird, but I can get used to this kind of weird.
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Sabotage!!!! I see you!

SO its birthday season in the fam again. Cake...cake and more cake.   I find myself eating more and more. Im not sure if I need an adjustment or if my head isnt screwed on too tight but something has got to give.   What I think is really oing on is that I am nearing the 199lb mark and I am freaking out for whatever reason. I did the same thing at the 299 and 250 marks. This needs to be sorted out. I am going to do some really soul searching to find out why I am so afraid of succeeding. This issue comes up time and time again throughout my life. It manifests itself in most endeavours. There must be a lesson that I am not learning in here, because it keeps popping up.   I am going to figure this out and beat it because I am tired of holding myself back from everything. Shite! I wish I could express how disheartening this all is. Out of control.
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PostSecret.com is Reading My Mind

SO yeah, this is an anonymous Postcard sent to postsecret.blogspot.com (Google it).   I would just like to know when it will stop. Not the mind reading, silly. When will I stop Being afraid nobody will love me?   Easy answer: when I start loving myself. Good thing I'm working on that.   Hard answer: when I stop hating myself for ever being 344lbs. Good luck with that one.   If you cant read it, it says:   I will never miss the person I lost when I lost 100lbs+. But I will always live in constant fear that no one will love the body that she left behind.
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Portions may be smaller than they appear.

Well Ive been moving my keister this weekend. I havent been that mindful of my eating though. No worries, I dont think I did any damage to my weight loss. Which leads to a NSV btw. I though that yesterday I really screwed myself up by having eaten copious amounts of crap. But when I took inventory last night on what I consumed, I made a discovery. My perception of how much food is too much has changed. I didnt eat nearly as much a I had thought. Interesting. Food logging in earnest starts in the morning.
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Ode To Lane Bryant! WE ARE OVER!

I wrote this on the Peeved at Lane Bryant thread but I am so in love with it Im posting again:   I am ecstatic that LB has gotten so expensive and boring. It is incentive to trudge on, to eat bandster portions, and to exercise daily. They've gone insane and I am happy.   I love that I will never have to pay $40 for one of their cheaply made tee shirts again. I'm glad that they don't make 36 inseam Supreme jeans any more. I'm glad that they have converted to that new (nonsensical) sizing. I'm happy that their coupons are scams. I'm even happy that they never have my bra size in stock.   I am overjoyed that they have become so inhospitable! I am so happy because I am leaving them behind! I am on my way to the Gap, BananaRep, JCrew, Regular stores!   When I want to breakdown and buy something there, I come here. Seeing everyone's (many of you are on this thread) progress, NSVs, and before and afters makes it sweeter. For a long time all I could wear was LB, now I am almost at the point where if I do shop there it isn't out of necessity. Hurray! I love my band!
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Obese!

Holy shit I am OBESE! Not severely or morbidly obese but regular obese! Holy crap! Ecstasy!:biggrin:   I hit 262 yesterday which is the lowest weight of my entire adult life. There is so much to say but I haven't the time...later.
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NeoMail to My cousin.

Cousin: Do you still exercise?   Me: Yeah but not as much at the gym. Ive been walking everywhere, doing videos, and fitv shows. I try to get to the gym at least once a week. Lately Ive been at the pool, park, beach, or mall so that a lil bit too.   I joined a weightloss challenge yesterday so Im gonna step up my exercise starting this week. The challenge runs from Monday to Labor Day, I have a goal of 20lbs. Its gonna be hard but its doable. So Im back at the gym at least 3-4 times a week starting tomorrow. I have to get fit for all the things I want to try. Im planning on starting hiking this fall and climbing next spring or fall.   Plus this Fall/Winter Im taking swimming classes, I will start training for lifeguard proficiency. I dont necessarily want to lifeguard but I am planning on learning to surf next summer so my regulation swimming has gotta be in tiptop shape. Ive always want to surf but it never seem feasible til now. I have a school scoped out and everything, they give vacation clinics in Costa Rica. I have become a exercise fanatic. I think I have always been one underneath. I have had a huge list of this I wanted to try when I lost weight. END   I have grown. Funny how it took that question for me to actually believe it. Its all true Im just loopy.
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My Pledge To Myself!

I am giving myself a lifestyle makeover. I have decided that 2008 is the year of Me. Its the year where I come first. My physical and mental health, financial stability, and education/career path are my top priorities. I have promised myself that: I will take my appearance more seriously I will lose 100lbs in '08 I will write more I will keep a cleaner house I will be the star of my own life
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My mind is far-sighted.

Its really funny how even though my body is shrinking my mind isn't. I can really explain the headwork that is being done any better that that.   I perceive my body getting smaller but my mind is struggling to wrap around the fact that I am not 344lbs anymore. For instance, I practice the power of attraction and when I am trying to visualize my ideal weight/size/appearance I see my body as I intend it to be, BUT the closer the visualization gets to my head the less I believe the picture and the more distorted it becomes. :w00t: Weird.   In fact, the visualization becomes cloudy when I try to get a clear picture of my face or upper body being thinner. This is weird because I am not top heavy at all, I am quite the hour glass figure. But before the weight loss I thought I was top heavy, my large breast and torso fat were hiding my curves.   I have had a hard time accepting myself smaller. The big # milestones freak me out and send me into subconscious self sabotage patterns.   Ive been at 273 for about 2 months partly because the 260's are frightening. It all makes me realize how attached to my big girl image I am. Talk about addicted to misery. I hated being fat, I still do but it was all I knew for just about my whole life.   I was a fat kid, a fat teenager and a fat adult all the time hiding from this or that. As the shy nerdy child of checked out parents and the lonely and LIVID teenager of those same parents I ate to quiet the teasing and to confirm the feelings of not being good enough. As an adult I am still struggling with feeling like I am good enough and that I deserve to be loved and respected.   Ive accepted myself at 260lbs. So now I can focus on getting there. Ive made a lot of progress this last couple of months and one of the most important realizations I have made was that I must accept myself in a smaller package before I can manifest it.   Normally I would never post something this revealing and while part of me wants to backspace this whole page, I wont. I didn't intend on writing most of this but apparently it needed to get out. I'm a borne writer so I should know that sometimes writing it out helps me work it out. but thats another can of worms.   Who knew it wasn't all about the food.
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Like the deserts miss the rain.

So Ive been pretty MIA for a while. Maybe Im getting that senior bandster syndrome, where RL is just to packed with "I'm not fat anymore" goodness. Nope I don't think so.   The truth is that I was at a plateau and have been struggling with eating well and exercise. I have been getting to the gym less often, much to my chagrin. Lately the source of gym dodging has been my mysterious neck/back muscle pain or lack of transportation.   I have to fully disclose that I am EXTREMELY hard on myself and even the most valid of reasons feel like excuses to me. I know that exercising while injured or unwell is a HUGE no no. But I still beat myself up about not exercising. There, I said it. So please understand where this comes from.   I am at the point where I am ready to see my PCP about the back pain. Being a recovering hypochondriac, Ive had this issue before and I know he is just going to give me muscle relaxants. Which I will not take. So goes the cycle. No amount of stretching or hot showers seem to help and I even wake up stiffer than when I went to sleep.   Oh and I got an adjustment on Monday. NP took out .5ccs under flouro. Apparently I was too tight. I didn't feel too tight but the flouro doesn't lie. The unfill is slightly annoying because I saw the next fill as the beginning of the end of this journey. However, I feel more relieved than anything that nothing is wrong with my band, I tend to worry. Even more, I feel like this slight unfill is the push I need to kick this thing into high gear because I refuse to gain weight. Furthermore I intend to lose the rest of this darned weight regardless of what level fill I have in my band.   My goal is to lose 25lbs by summer. IDK how Im gonna do it and I am trying not to get discouraged.
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Journaling. Its different for writers with issues.

Grr, I havent been journaling my food well. But know Im gonna up the anti...Im gonna start journaling food and exercise. Dun DUN DUN!   Tomorrow.:wink:   I joined two challenges this week. They are the Labor Day weightloss challenge and the July Exercise Challenge.   Labor Day Chal. I will lose 20lbs by Labor Day.   July Exercise Chal. I will do: 60min gym workout 3x a week 30min walk 5x a week 20min swimming session 1x per week.   For a total of 23.3 in July Time to get moving my 1 year Band Anniversary is Sept. 25th. Losing this 20lbs will put me over 100lbs lost in a year. I will accomplish this goal. I LOVE THE SUMMER! There is no better time to get moving.
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Its My Bandiversary!

This isn't going to be a huge retrospective on the first year of the rest of my life. I am 100lbs lighter and I love it.   Such is the nature of a tragic perfectionist, that I am focused on my goal. What that means is that this bandiversary I am recommitting myself to achieving my goal of 178lbs.   I took this week to begin-again so to speak. I took many steps to gauge where I am in my journey. Here are some:   I saw my nutritionist to remind myself of what and how I should eat. I attended my Dr's WLS orientation to remind myself of how it felt to be hopeful about never being fat again. I had a complete physical in order to see where I am medically and nutritionally. I refocused my brain on being thin. I talked with the only experienced bandster I know in real life to discuss her eating habits, her plastic surgery and how she got her insurance to pay for a full Tummy Tuck.   It has been a full week of refocusing on ME and my weight-loss journey. I have had more than a happy bandiversary, I had an honest appraisal of how far I have come and the kick start to where I am going to be. This has been the best year of my life because I finally feel alive.   Happy Bandiversary!
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Frustration Nation

What the freaking f*ck is up with my appetite? TOM came and all of a sudden I am RAVENOUS! I mean like a starving animal. I know some of it is head hunger having to do with some minor stuff in my RL but sheesh.   Brownies, cake, Oreos (I used to HATE Oreos), pancakes, honey glazed chicken, fried chicken (used to LOATH fried chix). Furthermore where is my restriction? It is all but gone. I can put away a full plate of food. EASILY.   So with that said, here is my plan from now on. I am making a fill appointment and am gonna request a band placement check for a month from now. In that time I will really closely assess my hunger and appetite.   I want to be logical about this an not jump to being super tight because TOM is making me a beast. But TOM was also preceded by almost 2 straight weeks of partying and very little exercise. I am not going let myself get dismayed about being stuck in the 250's. I refuse to fail. I refuse to stop now.   Admittedly I feel leaps and bounds better than I have EVER felt in my whole life and in the past few weeks especially my confidence has just begun to soar. I will accept these last few weeks as major NonScale progress. My weight may have been still and my eating not so grand but my soul and mind have been working overtime. Okay. Im okay.
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Food Journaling.

So Im gonna start to actually count my food calories, instead of estimating.   So far today: Food___________Serving______ Calories Farina........................3/4 cup.............120 L.C. Chix Philly.............1......................330 Club Crkrs...................4 crackers..........70 Apple Butter................1 Tbls................25 Wendys Grl.Chx Wrap....1......................260 Jr.Vanilla Frosty...........4oz...................150 TOTAL...955   Not great but not too shabby either! :cool2:
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Back to the Drawing Board

So recent events like my slight unfill and this stupid plateau have me desperate. I am trying to be calm about losing the rest of this weight. Its working but I am ready to start losing again.   The truth is that I am getting kind of anxious about staying this weight. I am not happy with the current state of my fitness either.   So I am giving the 5 day pouch test a go again. I am also going to be trying some different ways of getting cardiovascularly fitter as well as stronger.   Tomorrow I am doing 1hr of cardio, consisting of Couch to 5k (wk1) and the elliptical for the remainder of the hour.
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Arrgggh!!!!!!!!!!

IDK what the fuck I have to do to lose weight. Im finding myself eating out of anger that Im not losing how I want. BUT you know what, that is self destructive! I workout and I mostly eat right (TOM and stuff). Im competitive with myself and I am not pleasing the judges. FUCKING A! Get it together!:wub:
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10 1/2 Months out. Who needs a full year to reflect on a life long journey?

Getting the band for me has been a process of more than just losing weight. It has been the warp drive for my journey of self reflection, improvement, and discovery. I have found out so much about myself since last year.   I learned what my body really looks like. Ive seen glimpses of what it can do. I was raised well. I am strong in many many ways and now I can feel the strength in my body. I am not my family or friends. Most importantly I am not what other people think of me. I define me.   I have learned that I incredibly smart. One would think that being so, I would have made that revelation eons ago. I had been told my whole life but I never really believed it. I have begun to own my intellect.   This year has been a banner year for me. This year has been amazing for my mind, body, and spirit. I feel closer to whole than ever. I have dropped almost 100 lbs of weight and about a ton of baggage in the last 10 1/2 months.   My band has helped me get healthier inside and out. I am happy. I feel love for me. I see the possibilities before me to become more athletic, more social, and more experienced. I see only what I can do. I have a real life now, full of happiness and disappointment and I am so happy to finally be participating. I love my band.
chocolate_snaps

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