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How I feel today!

I feel uuk! I have definity dun lapped over my jeans and feeling like I'm definitly going to have the surgery.... If nothing happens between now and then.... like loss of job, insurance, etc.... Sometimes I can't wait.... I see people in cute cloths and I think, hey one day hopefully soon I can go and buy cute cloths to where... not just something to cover up my fat body. My husband sometimes is supporting and others times he isn't. I'm not for sure if it's cause of the money or because of afraid of me being skinny... I definite say if he loved me while I was fat I would never leave him when I get skinny(hopefully) unless he does something to deserve it. I think when a man can love you no matter what size you are then he really loves u.... I think he just gets mad sometimes and he wants to hurt me so he will say stuff like; I'm too lazy to loose wait.... I don't think I'm lazy, I work everyday don't miss, I go to all of my childrens school funtions and the only thing is when I am home I don't feel like doing anything.... and that makes me feel LAZY!,,, but I'm always going and I feel like I'm so tired all of the time... I hope when I do hopefully loose weight I'll have more energy... I have been walking about 4 times a week for around 6 to 7 weeks now,,, I should start feeling better,,, but I think I don't because of ALL of this weight I'm dragging around. This sight is very addictive.... I really catch myself going thru alot of emotions since dicided to have this surgery.... I have cried 3 or 4 times this last week... I usually don't do that.... I figure this surgery will cost me about 2,700 and I have problems feeling guilty because of spending that money on myself just because I'm FAT and can't loose weight. Then on the other hand I tell myself, I WORK TOO, I earn just as much money as my husband. Why can't I spend some money to hopefully give me my life back and make me feel good about myself in those jeans.... We are going to spend the money any how,,, why not spend it on something life changing... maybe for the good... I'm about to cry right now.... see I get so emotionally on the debat.... I'm ready to just do it and get it done..... so I don't have to debat,,,, :think
wanna be thin

wanna be thin

1
 

Bad Dream

Well, last night I dreamed I missed by appoitment and couldn't let the lap band. I was lost and couldn't find where I was suppose to go and it made me late so I couldn't get it done. I cried in my dream... I guess that tells me how bad I want to have this done. My son said he would be embarressed to have something like this done, but that he would like to have a skinny mom.
wanna be thin

wanna be thin

1
 

My Journal

10/12/06- On 10/2 I went to a lap band seminar. I decide then I was definitely interested but have a hard time spending the money it would take to have the surgery.... I told my self to try to start trying.... to loose weight. I have been walking three weeks now and I try to eat less. My goaled is by January if I haven't made progress to have the surgery. I have even made an appoitment for Jan 8th.... I thought this would be best and I wouldn't have to pay the 2006 & 2007 deductable for my insurance. I have lost 2lbs in three weeks.... One big meal and that will back. That has always been my problem... I have the if and buts, but I know I'm tried of being overweight.... I have been overweight all of my life and as I get older it gets worse.
wanna be thin

wanna be thin

1
 

I'm ready

Well, my friend had her surgery done last Tuesday and all went well. I'm so ready. I have my medical history, my curves papers. I have an appointment for Jan 8 to do all of my testing. I'm already trying to prepare my self and the insurance company hasn't even approved yet. I'm done to a couple of sips of pop a day. I'm weaning my self off of it. I try to remember to eat slow and cut back on my volume at mealtime. That's where I have trouble if its in front of me I want to eat eat eat... seems like I can eat so much before I feel full. I think I'm driving my co-workers, friends and family crazy always talking the lap-band. I hope truely this will change my life. I want to buy cute cloths, go in to a place and not feel like everyone is looking at me judging me. I feel I have been successful in my career (so far) successful with my family (I can see improvements needing to be made) but overall pretty good. Now I'm ready for the body to work well with all the other things I have accomplished. I feel if I don't do something my weight gain over the yrs with catch up with where it affects everthing my career and family. I can still go to six flags and ride with my boys but barely and I'm almost embarressed to get on some stuff.   I'm ready, ready, ready,,,,,, I'm ready to get something that will stop my eating alot.... rather my head wants to are not.... :clap2: :clap2: :clap2:
wanna be thin

wanna be thin

1
 

how I feel today

Well, I called my insurance company again today to make sure I wasn't doing all of this for noithing because if they don't approve me I know I can't have it done..... I spoke with a lady in the approval department and we discussed my weight and how many years I have been overweight and the struggles and diet methods I have used and she said I would probably be approved she couldn't say for sure but sounded confindent that I was a good candate..... Majel and I have been walking for 5 weeks now and I had lost around 2 to 3 lbs.... but guess what the scale said they found me back.... the expense will still be more than I have been out on medical exp. but I'm willing to do it..... I'm to the point that I don't care I'm ready to feel good about myself......
wanna be thin

wanna be thin

1
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