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About this blog

Whatever my mind feels like flowing through my fingers- may not even always be band-related..

Entries in this blog

 

What helped me the most in my decision...

Well, first of all, I am NOT banded, YET!! This is my first blog, and though I doubt many people will ever read this, or even reply- this is my outlet.... this is yet just another TOOL to help my in my trip... Just in case anyone does read this, I shall introduce myself... I am Ryan, and I am a 27 year old single mother to an amazing 4 year old daughter. I am a college graduate, and from the Savannah,GA area. I've been over-weight since I was 5 years old. I, like many others, have tried almost every diet/exercise plan I could even imagine. I look at pictures of me at my daughter's age and I look just like her- tall, thin, and happy. Then I see pictures of me from a year later, and it's like looking at a completely different person. It makes me sad, but only because I know that that little girl went through to get to where she (I) is today... Being picked on, not only for having a "boy's name"- but also for being over weight... having to shop in PLUS sized women's clothing sections.... Wearing a women's size 16 since 5th grade... I could go on and on and on about everything I've gone through, the tears I've cried, the multipule times I've felt heartbreak, but this isn't meant to be a depressing blog- and I'm sure many MANY others have gone through the exact same... I am 27 years old, 5'9", and 267 pounds. I've been up to size 22, and down to 15/16s - back and forth for the last 10 years. When my daughter was born, (:wub:) I couldn't have been happier.... until 5 days later I couldn't breath, I had a horrible fever, could barely walk, my legs had become swollen, etc.. come to find out, I was having congestive heart failure.... at the age of 23?? Sure, I've done my research and know that this could have happened to even skinny people... Fast-forward to today... I've been looking into the lapband for a few years.. But just never thought it was a possiblity for me. I read and read and read, talked to many people, and still- wasn't sure it was for me. I wasn't sure I could make the change... etc. Wasn't sure I could afford it or that my insurance would even help... Well, I went to the informational meeting, went to the assesment appointment, got cleared by my cardiologist, and am scheduled for my psych eval... I was told my out of pocket expenses were going to be around $800+ (not including the actual surgery and all)... $150 for assesment, $350 for psych eval, $30 for nutrition education, and $275 for program fee... Sure, compared to those who are self-pay, this is nothing... but I'm a single mother who already has to work 2 jobs to try and provide for my daughter.... how was I supposed to come up with that much money?! :eek::crying: I believe in signs, I believe in fate, and I believe in God. Well, my insurance paid for my assesment, and just found out that they will also pay or my psych assesment!!!!!! :thumbup::smile2: Everything seems to be falling into place- as if it's all signs pointing to going ahead with the lapband.... December 1 is my Psych evaluation and my nutrition education class... I can't wait!!! May God continue to bless me through this path in my life that he has so graciously given to me, and also reminded me that he may take from me at any moment. May God continue to be by my side as I try to make sure I can be at my daughter's side as she continues through her life, and hopefully I may do so as a healthier me...
RyanTheGirl

RyanTheGirl

8
 

Shopping.... Ugh.

So, I am fully aware that those of us "pre-band" always dread shopping- but sometimes, SOMETIMES I actually enjoy it... Of course, that isn't the case since I gained the last 30-40 pounds... but I can still sometimes enjoy it.   Last night was our work's christmas party, well kind of. First off, there are only 7 of us (including the doctor we work for) in the office- so not really a party lol. One of the other nurses I work with decided to have us over to her place for the "party" the same night her husband was having his party for work- he works for gulfstream. So I figured it might be a nice way to get out of the house since I rarely do, and maybe meet some interesting people... well, with my recent weight gain- barely anything fits! UGH! So, I decided to go shopping... Figured I could just get a new sweater or something... So, I went to Ross (hoping for something cute, and cheap- no luck) then to Catherine's (again, no luck), then to the Avenue (was able to get a sweater and a knitted "shell" type thing- but still wasnt "happy"), went to Torrid (which, aside from their prices, I normally love...) Long and short of it all- I am disgusted that I had to buy the biggest size I've ever been in, and yet STILL didnt feel at least "pretty"-- I know hoping to feel sexy or anything wasnt in the rhelm of reality- but to still not even feel pretty? What a shame.. I'm so sick of it.   Trying to change things now before I have the surgery (if I ever have it!!! Still battling the nasty gross habbit of smoking... which I have to be nicotien free for at least 2 months before the surgery- so that means no patches or gum or anything if it has nicotien!) Trying to eat better and all that- but yet, at the same time- I find myself eatting things that I know I shouldnt and then using the excuse "well, I wont be able to eat this after my surgery"-- REALLY?! C'mon now Ryan.... You (I) know that this surgery isnt going to all of a sudden change my eating habbits for me- SURE, there will be things that my band won't allow me to eat or whatever... but at the same time- there will still be things that it will still allow me to eat that I know I shouldnt... I know I CAN do this- and WILL do this... just trying to fight myself and my own inner psychie that thinks that I need these things (like donuts for breakfast, or smoking!)   Dear Lord- please help give me the stregnth that I need today to help me make a better tomorrow! Amen.    
RyanTheGirl

RyanTheGirl

1
 

One of my personal pick-me-ups...

A testimonial from the website of the hospital I will be banded..... insipires me whenever I feel like I need a pick-me-up... just wanted to share.         I have found that there are certain "stones" that you must claim as your own and use with almost religious zeal to keep the tool of bariatric surgery sharp and effective. I think every person who has this surgery builds their own cairn out of the stones that they discover work best to encourage them. So here are a few of mine.   Stone #1—Quiet Reflection This one takes different forms for different people—prayer and meditation, transcendental sauntering, yoga, sitting quietly, being. Take your pick, but this is an important discipline as it keeps the bariatric patient in touch with the one thing that our weight and former dependence on food distanced us from—our feelings. You must think about how you feel, stay aware of how you feel and set your compass each and every day to make all of the choices that keep you feeling good, feeling lean, and feeling in control.   Stone #2—Meaningful Movement Do something. For me the compliance to this particular "stone" is profoundly personal and it took me almost four years to figure out that I would exercise far more consistently if I would work out early in the morning versus in the evening when I almost always had a conflict or flagging motivation. Committing to a time that no person or event could challenge and making it virtually impenetrable from interlopers made this one of the most significant assurances for me. If I start with this stone on the cairn—even if it is just a 45 minute energetic walk—everything else seems to fall in place. Put simply, if I even reluctantly walk over and pick up this stone (no matter how heavy) and carry it to my weight loss cairn each morning, I know that I will virtually run and, with little effort, pick up the rest of the stones that day and stack them on the monument of the day's success. Make this stone anything you like—for me it is walking, rowing, dancing, or maybe a touch of light weightlifting that I should actually do more often.   Stone #3—Liturgical Vitamin Ceremonies My vitamin consumption has become an almost holy symbol of my intent to honor the body this surgery gave me. I bought a tea box (a wooden box with 12 square compartments) that sits next to my favorite chair. Every morning and night I open it up to behold the vitamin selection that assures my good health. There they all are—the multi vitamin, the Co-Q10, the calcium, the Colace (still needed from time to time). I take vitamins several times a day, and each time I take one, I whisper "I am good to me."   Stone #4—The Security of Staples Always, always, always have the staples you need to stay the course for good health. This takes discipline and a list (laminated and always with you). For me, the staples are hard boiled eggs, fat free cottage cheese, Montreal steak spice, Lite Havarti cheese, apples, blueberries, fat-free yogurt, and Crystal Light. These must be in my reach at almost all times or I will most assuredly make the same bad choices that caused my weight gain. Make your own list and carry a small cooler in your car everyday if you must—and I have—so that you have no excuse. Never, never go home without knowing that you have the staples you need there. I do better without too much choice.   An important related "stone" to this one was a hard one for me to acknowledge and eventually convince the rest of my family to join me in honoring. I cannot have any food in my house that is not desirable for a weight-loss patient to consume. Once that first year of no appetite passes and hunger makes its inevitable return, the same temptations you once knew will be back. Even though you will feel rotten if you succumb, it is just too tempting. I find the de-temptation of the home environment and replacing it with staples (symbols of on-going health) is critical for me. Any family member frustrated by this strategy can find plenty of excuses to sneak out of the house for a non-healthy treat.   Stone #5—Surround Yourself with Stone Masons This has to do with the ongoing support we all need in life to achieve any of the goals we set before us, particularly the goal of good health after weight-loss surgery. For some, this may mean participating in support groups. I have had a mixed reaction to formal groups for bariatric patients. Prior to surgery, I found the groups to be absolutely inspiring with so many stories of success transformation. They were a remarkable source of hope during a time of despair. However, not long after my surgery, I found that most support groups were negative. The participants focused on what wasn't working, what they couldn't eat, or what they didn't like. Since I had been totally prepared for the changes that my surgery was intended to bring, I did not find what I wanted in a group. Look intentionally for a support group that absolutely encourages the excitement (and yes, reality) of a body that has been readjusted completely to bring about a transformation. Yes, our cups may now be literally half full, but our lives and futures are virtually overflowing. Surround yourself with people who see it that way and, do as I did, select your own personal support team. The people on that team are your stone masons who will help you set the stones you choose in place and secure them for life.   Stone #6—Celebrate and Play At least once a quarter, take a day to do nothing but celebrate. Keep a list of the things that you always said that you would do when you lost the weight—take a hike, ride a horse, go to a concert, climb a mountain, go sit on the beach and watch a sunset, shop, etc. Write down everything you can imagine and, like a bucket list, do them one by one. Plan these important days, give them to yourself and review the stones in your weight-loss structure. If you can, take the day off on your surgery anniversary and honor your good health.   Stone #7—Share the Joy Take some of the new energy of life that is most certainly one of the extraordinary benefits of weight-loss surgery and give it away to somebody who needs it. Do this in whatever way the world calls you to give something back. People carry "weight" in very many ways and I think we end up with an obligation once ours is gone, to help others carry their own or lose it as the case may be.   Stone #8—Lighten Up and Face the Facts The reality of my numbers is as follows. The last time I weighed prior to surgery, I was a precious but substantial 327 pounds. I would lose a total of 167 pounds, 18 of which have found their way back. Of course, this predictable weight gain is a fact that strikes sheer terror in the heart of any person who has struggled with weight loss and knows how easy and devious the return of pounds can be. However, using the stone stacking method described here, I have discovered how to maintain my weight within about a two-pound fluctuation over the past year. Put simply, the balance of stones and habits for me that I have in place right now will accommodate maintenance. What I also know is that if I want to be as lean as I have been (which I very much would), I will have to exercise a bit more and trim some additional calories out of my diet to create that outcome. These are facts, not magic and not a failure of the surgery. Just a reminder that I will have to continue to use my stones in different ways everyday for the rest of my life to sharpen the tool of my surgery and create the monument to good health that I want my cairn to be .    
RyanTheGirl

RyanTheGirl

6
 

My non-health banding reasons...

Ok, I'm over weight, I'm fat- I know it, and anyone who can see me knows it as well. Those of you, my online support family if you will- understand the reasoning behind me wanting to get banded- and so, because of that- I thought I would share my non-health reasons... because honestly, I'm not sure if it's amusing, or if it's slightly psychotic! hahahaha!!   -Being able to go places and being the one the guys hit on, not my friends. -Completely shocking everyone at my high school reunion in 2012 -Having a "fair shot" at actually meeting a man and having a relationship (yea, yea, if he was a decent guy he would see past the fat and see into the me on the inside.... I call BS! lol... And I will be the first to admit- I usually don't find overweight guys attractive- it just doesn't do it for me- so I can completely understand why I dont have guys knocking on my door all the time lol) -Not being the girl they are talking about when they say "the big girl" -Painting my own toenails- without getting stomach pains or having to hold my breath while I'm trying to paint them -Riding more rides with my daughter at the fair, and not being worried that my belly pushes out the safety bar too much that it isn't safe for her -Seeing my collar bones     It's just the simple things.   I know that I will DEFINITELY have some issues with not being able to see myself as thin- and even if I was able to see myself as thin, I will have to make sure I don't let it get to my head. Hell, I've been fat since I was like 5, so I want to enjoy being thin and having confidence- I just pray that I dont get cocky with it- because I've always hated when others were that way!!!   As of now I've been telling basically everyone about my lap-band, they are MOSTLY supportive- but i've run into those who are not as well. After I actually have it done, I may be a little more picky as to who I tell. For now, I still have more of the pre-op process to get through...
RyanTheGirl

RyanTheGirl

5
 

it's been awhile, and sadly, nothing to report!

It's been about 4 months since I've even really paid any attention to this website. I was soooo amped up about the whole lapband journey and everything, and it's as if my train somehow got derailed... not sure what happened, or why. In order for me to get banded, I have to quit smoking. Which I successfully did, for a whole 3 weeks... not even worth getting excited over really lol. I work in the medical field and was able to get the same kind of test they will give me to check for nicotine- after a week of no smoking, I passed it. Which made me super excited and I got the ball rolling again. My PCP wrote the letter of medical necessity, but I forgot to get a letter of medical clearance.... OF course (murphy's law) when I finally got around to calling my PCP about it, over a year had passed since my last physical- so I have to have another physical before they will write my clearance- no big deal- doing that May 9th... so I will be able to turn in my medical records, letters of clearnace from my PCP and my cardiologist, have already done the support groups, dietician, and psych appointment... so I believe they can contact my insurance after getting those. And in the mean time, I have to take a fitness class and a lapband education course (couple hour course that my surgeon requires) then I believe all my requirements are done... I wish I had the ball rolling on all of this back in January, because I probably would have been banded by now... but oh well. Everything happens for a reason I guess. Starting June 1st, I will have 2 insurances for about a month, so hopefully I will be able to have my surgery during that month so my out of pocket expenses won't kill me. Time will tell... Tomorrow is my new "quit date", gotta stick through it again. I think I need to go through the before/after pictures again and give myself a little inspiration lol!!    
RyanTheGirl

RyanTheGirl

0
 

Feeling every single pound....

As a new year starts I am sure we all have a wonderful list of things we think of as "New Years Resolutions"-- or whatever... I decided that I only have one this year- to drink more water every day... This should help with weight loss since it will cut out more sodas/teas and keep me feeling "full"... Obviously losing weight is a goal of mine for the year.... I will be re-evaluating my "to-do" list from the surgeons to get the ball rolling more on the lap-band situation.... I have another Support group to go to (which, If I can be honest.. yes it's nice to get out of the house- and sometimes I have to be "forced" to do so because my depression makes it hard for me to do to so.... but it really is kind of a joke- very few people there are actully post-op, most of them are like me- there as a required pre-op...) but anyways... on my to-do list-- another suport group, the exercise class, and then the $275 program fee and lap-band education class....Oh, and the hardest, quit smoking for good.   It is so frustrating to know that really, *I* am what's stopping me- if I could quit smoking, "cold turkey", then I would have months ago... but, I am doing what I can to get the quit smoking goal accomplished... and it shouldn't be too long...   Last year-year and a half I probably packed on 30-40 pounds.... WTF?! I cant even begin to express how sickened I am by this... I feel like such a effing loser... I dont even want to discuss how grossed out and disappointed I am- in myself... I know the last few months I really "let myself go"-- mostly because I've been thinking about getting a lap-band-- and to do so I had to actually GAIN like 10 pounds to have the BMI that I needed... but then I kept using "I'm getting a lap band" as my excuse-- saying things like "I have to enjoy this while I can, this time next year I wont be able to eat like this anymore" or "I wont be able to eat _____________ (fill in something I shouldnt have been eating to begin with!) after I get my lapband, so I might as well eat it now!"-- who does that?! I never realized that I had a food "Addiction" until recently-- and that is a sad sad realization to have....   Stress is also at an all-time-high... Decemeber 29th, 2010 my father died in my eyes. NO- he is not LITERALLY dead... but once again, he has shown to be be worthless, judgmental, and a hypocryt. He and his wife bought my daughter (used, but still good!) bunk beds for christmas, well I wasnt able to be home when they came and were going to put them up- so they were at my house when I wasnt there... Apparently my house isn't tiddy enough for them and my "Step mom" decided that I don't live up to her standards and wasn't talking to me... Didnt talk to me, except maybe 10 words all day Wednesday (the 29th, that's when we were doing our "family christmas")... Anyway- long story short, I got into a huge arguement with my sperm donor (aka father) about all of this and I completely blew up at him- seriously? how can you expect me, a single mother, who works 2 jobs, AND goes to college to keep my house up to THEIR standards? Oh, and by the way, my grandma, his mother- fell (3rd time in a month or so) so I've been at her house any time i could to clean her house, put up her decorations, do her nursing stuff (changing her dressings- she busted up her face pretty bad and has stiches), her yardwork, and her christmas shopping... YES- MY HOUSE IS A FREAKING MESS! But that's because HE decided that he wasnt happy here and moved away- leaving ME as the only one her to take care of his mother... He's always been worthless... the first time I brought home an "F" in school was in P.E. in middle school- the first year we had to "dress out" in the locker room- in front of all the girls who already made fun of me for being the fat girl- so no, I never "dressed out", and I failed... when he saw my report card- his response? He screamed at me and constantly told me how I was nothing but a "fat lazy nigger"--- excuse me for even using that "N word"- as I HATE that word and am no way what so ever a racist or anything... and yes, he called me that (and I am white..) He's an alcoholic, and will always put himself before others... when I told him I was hoping to get a lap band, his response? "well, if it will actually work for you, maybe then you'll finally be thin like your sister"--- WHO SAYS THAT?!   Well, I'm at work, so I cant give this blog the attention it deserves right now... but anyway... it's a new year, I feel every single pound that i've added the last 18 months or so... and actually- it's a good thing- it's a reminder to me that I need to get off my ass and actually start making the positive changes my life needs- with or without the lapband... it's just a tool-- I'm the one who is going to have to do the work- so I better start dress rehersal now, because there's less room for screw ups when the real deal is here! (when I actually am banded I mean)   Hope you all are off to a great year!
RyanTheGirl

RyanTheGirl

0
 

Fears...

OK, there could be a lot of judgments made about me because of what I'm about to post- and to be honest, sure- I could be questioned about my morals and all that- but it's all a part of MY past- and things that I have to live with on a daily basis- and I feel comfortable enough to post them here to share with you all-- so, please leave your judgments at the door and take this for what it really is-- I saw my therapist yesterday (not the one for the lapband, but I see one monthly--for me I found it helps to unload my issues on a stranger and get someone's opinion or advice from someone I dont have to look in the face every day lol!) So anyway- she is supportive of my lap-band decision 100%. I was talking to her about my fears yesterday, concerning my lapband and the changes that will be made with my body. As I told her, I think I've somewhat been hiding behind my fat- as if it's almost been my escape goat to blame everything on- What happens when it's gone? Are there still going to be things I do that I feel that I shouldnt really do- and if so, what is going to happen when I cant blame it on being fat? Example- when I was a little younger (I'm 27 now, and I'm talking about being like 21, so not that far away, but I still feel i've grown up since then!) I would go out drinking with the girls, and if someone would show me attention, it's almost as if I did things I probably shouldnt have- and I think my mentality then was, "I'm fat, if I dont give him sex then he wouldnt show me the time of day or like me"-- ok, obviously me being fat wasnt 100% of the reason of it all, I have other issues lol... but I am smarter now, and know that if I wouldnt have given him sex or whatever it was (making out, blah blah blah) then he would have found someone else who WOULD have- and it still would have been the same situation- even if I had been skinny back then--Those werent the best guys in the world- and because I felt as though I wasnt worth being treated better- because I was fat- I did things and settled for way less than I deserved.... So now, my fear is- when I DO get banded and take better care of my body, will I take as much care of my mental health? Will I remember to feel as though I AM worth the work? Or will I all of a sudden enjoy all the new attention, and rush out to share that? I would like to think that I am WAY more in control of my mental self and KNOW that I am worth better than I've been treated in the past- and all of that, but I still fear that I will some how have issues with it all... I am a mother now, and I wasn't then, and that has been the biggest influence in my life, so I know that as long as I keep her in mind, I will make the right decisions.... Changing my apperance isnt just going to affect just that- I will definitely affect every part of who I am, and I just hope that I am as ready as I think I am!
RyanTheGirl

RyanTheGirl

2
 

Contest essay..

So I went to the contest site that the developer of this site had posted (3 winners get a free lapband lol) and so this is what I sent it (had to be 600 words or less, ugh!--what can i say? I was bored, so I did it, what could it hurt?! lol!!!)           I am more than just a pretty face; I am a whole person. I am a single mother, a student, a hard worker, a possitive attitude, a smile, a daughter... most of all, I am a person who is looking for a second chance at life.   I have been over weight since I was 4. Every memory I have involves me being obese. Camp when I was a child? 10yo and shopping for camp clothes, size 16W... Prom dress shopping? "Sorry, they don't make that dress in your size." Wedding dress shopping? HA! Whatta joke...   I have always wanted to change my weight, tried diets, taking three gym classes a day in high school, diet pills, curves, hourglass fitness, weight watchers, 1000 calorie diets, scale solutions, metobolic weight loss... you name it, I've tried it. Sure, I've been able to lose 20-30 pounds here or there, but it all comes back.   When my daughter ws born, I was so excited about the fact that I had only put on about 18 pounds- over looking the fact that I was over 245 when I got pregnant to begin with. The following Friday I was in the ER- fever over 103, couldnt breathe... little did I know, I was experience Congestive Heart Failure. I had developed cardiomyopathy- my heart couldn't keep up with me being over weight, my blood supply and the baby's blood supply. My left ventrical had increased in size by over 30%. 23 years old and having heart failure?! The nurses told me to enjoy the time I had with my daughter, that no one could promise any out come- that I should say goodbye, "just in case." Just in case what? I die? Die, leaving my new precious baby girl without a mother?   Obviously I recovered- my heart is going back to "normal size" and I have been taken off the medications I was on. I was told I cannot have any more children without risking my life- leaving my child motherless. I had already faced that fear of leaving her motherless once- I couldn't and WON'T do that again.   My daugher is active and spirited. I need to take care of myself, physically and emotionally- and provide a POSITIVE role model for her- not one who cant even get off the couch because being over weight and always drained. My daughter deserves a mother, not a 268 pound dent in the couch.   I want a lap band to help me "remodel my house"- I know the work itself is mine; that I must be accountable for my own actions and make the right decisions, but I need my "hammer" to do this "remodeling". It will be my daily reminder of the struggles I have already gone through, and reminder of the positive choices that I am making and will continue to make. It will be my "helper" in treating myself right, which in return, will help me treat my daughter right.   My daughter is my reason for being, the love of my life, the warmth in my heart, and the sparkle in my eye. Losing weight to have better quality time with her has been my dreams since she was born. Being able take her to Disney and actually letting her ride the rides she wants to because I will finally be able to fit in the seats with her as well- I cant even being to express how much joy that will bring to my life, and hers too! I want to take this tool and use it the way it was meant to be used! I want to be able to tell people when they ask how I've lost weight that it has happened with hard work, proper-HEALTHY choices, and with the help of my tool, the lap-band...                
RyanTheGirl

RyanTheGirl

0
 

"Rehearsal Dinner"

Though my banding wont happen until some time early next year (Jan or Feb) I have decided to use this time before hand as my "rehearsal dinner"- changing my eating habbits, re-evaluating my relationships (healthy and unhealthy ones) with those in my life, realizing that I AM worth a lot more than I've allowed myself to feel and be treated lately....   Last night was a "going away party" for a friend who is moving to Hawaii- because I had to be at work pretty early this morning (630am), I didnt do the whole "partying" thing with them- but I did join them for dinner at Carrabba's (Italian restaurant). I made pretty healthy decisions as far as what to eat-- Blackened Talapia, fresh green beans, and a ceaser salad. Sure, I ate basically everything, but it wasn't a huge bowl of pasta with a cream sauce! I tried to time my meal so that it took the recommended 20 minuts to eat- chewed each bite at least 30 times, etc... It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be lol! And, I don't really think I drank much while eating either- which is really a big deal for me, because I'm usually gulping down something! (Even if it's just water!) This morning for breakfast I had some string cheese and a chocolate-peanut butter protein shake- which is actually delicious! I will have something to eat at 1030ish (4 hours after breakfast)- and continue to try to follow the through with the right decisions and hopefully form that as a new habbit BEFORE I'm banded...   Now, the relationship part is a little tougher... my weight isn't 100% to blame on my relationship issues- it's self esteem issues in general, growing up with an alcoholic father, dealing with abandonment issues, parents who always cheated on each other- etc. So, obviously I've made a lot of bad decisions when it comes to who I've dated in the past- 95% of them were cheaters themselves, my ex husband is an alcoholic, etc... Yes, I'm lonely most of the time, yes I enjoy having someone show me affection, yes I probably settle for less than I deserve... Wait, scratch that- there is no "Probably" about it- I DO settle for less than I deserve, or at least-- I DID!   I was so desperate for someone's affection that I didn't take the time to be picky about WHO was giving it to me... And sadly, those people are still in my life. Making an apperance when THEY want to- not when I want them to (well, I always want them to, but you know what I mean!) So quick to say yes when they ask if they can come over, so quick to letting them in to hang out and watch a movie- KNOWING what the out come will be later-- so quick to forget the anger I have towards them, the resentment, the pain... all for what? A night of forgetting about my loneliness, only to feel even more lonely when I don't get a phone call the day after, or even the week after? That's ludacris!!!!   So as part of the "new me" that I'm working hard to create, even before I get a lap-band, I WILL NOT put up with it anymore... I will not be someone's option when I've made them my priority for so long- they are now just my option- and honestly, they aren't even my best option! I'm going to learn to be conent with what I already have in my life, I'm going to learn how to take care of myself- physically and emotionally- because once I can do that, then there are no excuses for someone else not to take care of me in those same ways!!! No more using me, no more making me question myself when it's been them doing the wrongs, no more thinking "well, I guess this is all that I deserve"-- SCREW THAT! Even being fat I know that I deserve to have someone in my life to look at me and think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, I deserve someone who is going to be open and HONEST with me, someone who is going to be loyal, and someone who is going to treat me the same way I've been treating others!   I took the first step last night- "he" came to dinner last night, and normally he would have come home with me, watched a movie or whatever, and well, I don't have to spell it out... but when he hugged me goodbye, I turned my face so he couldn't kiss me goodbye, got into my car quick enough that he couldnt even have the chance to invite me over or ask if he could come over- and when he sent a text a few minutes later (of course saying BS like "you should have come over for dessert"--- gag me!!!) I sent back- "Sorry- I'm learning to be selfish and putting myself first- satisfying you is not on my to-do list... you can be my FRIEND- and that's exactly how you will be treated"   I am finding "myself"- the girl that I've always been, but let others push into the corner... I am going to have moments of weakness, sure- we all do right? But I will have the courage to pick myself up and give it another try every time I fall!   :clap:
RyanTheGirl

RyanTheGirl

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"Just go get yourself a gym membership..."

I originally sat down to write this post with positive attitude, with so much to say.... And now I sit here amazed at how quick my mood could be changed with just one simple comment-- from someone who I do actually like and think of as a friend. "Just go get yourself a gym membership and work it off"-- was the comment I got from my friend when they saw that I was logging into this website...   How often do people say this to us? (Us being the "over weight" of the world...) And let me clearify- I'm not just "Overweight"- I AM OBESE! I am fat, and I know it. To deny it would be stupid- why would I try to deny what the naked eye can see?? If I could lose the weight I NEED to lose by simply working out- don't they think I would have done that by now?! Don't they think I would save myself a ton of money, a ton of time, and just simply "get a gym membership and work it off"????? I just don't understand!!!   The person who happened to make this comment is a nurse- a RN. Someone who is supposed to be medically trained. So, I guess I was wrong as assuming that those in the medical field would understand a little more than the uneducated. But- you know what they say about assuming!!! I should have known better I guess!   I guess it's kind of like how extremly skinny people are always told "just eat something!" or "put some meat on your bones!" It's not always that easy. Of course, because I am on the opposite end of that (on the obese side) I would love to be one of those who are told to eat something or put meat on my bones, the grass is always greener, right?! But the truth is, it's not just that simple. Just going to the gym and working out isnt going to make us lose all the weight we need to lose, and just eating something wont make an unhealthy underweight person gain the weight they need. Not all of us get they pleasure of being able to have "healthy weight bodies"- not all of us get to shop in the regular sized departments, not all of us get to wake up with the energy and ability to have a "regular" day. Some of us have to shop in "plus sized" or even "Children's" departments-- some of us have to sit down and take breaks when others can walk the whole mile or play with their children-- some of us have to fight things like diabetes or heart disease (or other diseases) related to our weights...   I'm sorry- just letting out steam... people just upset me with how simple minded they are, and the judgements they pass... I am not a lazy person. I am a 27 year old single mother who takes care of not only a 4 year old child- but also my grandmother. I work two jobs, and I go to school... I work out when I can, but honestly- no, I don't do it as often as I should- but when do I have time?! Quit judging me and learn to look at your own self... I don't talk about your situations, please don't talk about mine unless you are here to support me.
RyanTheGirl

RyanTheGirl

1

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